Becoming Me

I had a kid come out to me at work and then I second-guessed everything that I said to her and worked myself up in terms of worry that her parents were going to email me and lay into me. Everything is fine. After having a girlfriend since high school and then fully coming out 15-years ago, you’d think that I could calm down especially at work, but internalized homophobia is a real deal. I’m reading all this stuff that I’d written in this blog and just laughed my ass off about an entry called, “Suckage.” Hahaha. Anyway, I couldn’t find all this old backstory stuff here, so I’m going to reproduce and rework it a little here.

“My Story in Five Parts with an Epilogue just added”


How did I wind up sleeping with a woman after an 11-year hiatus?  The story started in 2005 when I shook her hand.  The first thing that popped into my head when looking into her eyes and having the thunderbolt was, “Boy, do I have to avoid you!”  So, I did for about two-and-a-half years.  Then I was transferred and had to see her daily.  No more were the days of being able to e-mail, and use interoffice mail.  Daily contact. Why did she fall into the chair next to mine in August of 2007?  Who knows… Because our journey unfolds and we cannot effect or alter it. Unfortunately, I had to drive a mile or so past her house twice on Saturday and it really screwed me up.  It would be nice to be completely over her.

My marriage had been purely awful for 6-years. And when he screamed at me in front of our very young son, and I screamed back, and I realized that I could not hear my 19-month-old, I said, “You’re moving out for good this time.  I’m done.”  He didn’t even say anything when I reached back in our car with one hand on the wheel to comfort our tear-stricken boy.  He had never heard me yell until then and fell silent with tears streaming.

Then I began working through all my internalized homophobia.  I told her that I had slept with a woman before after some mutual friends had left and we were the only two left at Happy Hour.  I will never forget the size of her eyes.  They are big, beautiful, and green anyway, but they sparkled, as she drew in a breath and said, “Reeally?”  That’s when I knew it was inevitable.

We didn’t even make out until 6-weeks after that. I rubbed her back after making her dinner once. She was telling me about a restaurant and talking nervously about her trip to P-town.  She had bought me a necklace there whose charm I only threw out about 18-months-ago.  Her cat knocked it off the couch, and she said, “Oh, I think that was your box!”  Being unable to resist I said, “Am I sitting that close to you?”  She laughed and it broke some heavy sexual tension.  We also wrestled that night, but since I like athletes or dancers, she overpowered me easily, and had no idea what to do with me supine.  Even though she is both a dancer and an athlete.

She spent three weeks away.  We texted an average of 35 times a day in crazy fervor.  When I picked her up from her plane, she jumped too quickly into my arms and I wound up with my lips in her hair.  We caressed and hugged, and I said, “I’ll give you a better kiss later.”  She laid on my shoulder for the agonizing 45-minutes for the duration of the ride home.  As soon as we got home, we flopped onto her couch.  I have never been that aroused.  Holding someone who you have slowly been falling in love with over the course of three-months, but have had fantasies about for nearly three years is something that honestly is indescribable.  I kept telling her to kiss me.  I had STARED at her mouth for years. Her lips are so full and sultry.  She wouldn’t.

When she did, I was forever changed.  I get specific compliments about my kissing after her. We didn’t sleep together at all that night.  We made out for two-and-a-half hours.

Backstory II

I don’t know why we didn’t do anything more that night…  After it was close to midnight, I got off of her, and told her that I would have to relieve my soon-to-be ex-husband so that he could get to a friend’s house to crash.  (He didn’t have a permanent residence for a few more months, and it is not really all that permanent to this day, which is now three-years later.).  She kissed me in her doorway and I drove home. That began my soaring, that would later give way to some serious imbalance and mood swings, but few can make that many changes in their lives over the course of five-months.  I’m hardy, but was thrown off for a good amount of time to say the least.

I could not wait much more.  After two days had gone by, I decided to drop by a “care packet” as she had caught a cold on the plane.  I put it in a purple paper bag with rafia handles.  It was chicken tortilla soup, Progresso chicken noodle, a mix CD, zinc tablets, and some Emergen C.  After her best friend left, I pinned her against her refrigerator, and started kissing her neck.  I said that we should both call our offices and play hooky.

She still had a ton of work.  So, I watched her work and helped her a little.  We ate lunch.  We made love for a few hours.  It was honestly so interesting because I had never had sex with an actual lesbian before.  I had been with two straight girls very long term as an adolescent and young adult.  It began an unfolding for me. Three weeks later when I was getting my hair done, I looked around the salon at all the beautiful women stylists and patrons and it was like walking through a waterfall without sustaining a brain injury.  I could never go back.  I had to come out.  Another inevitable surfaced for me.

Backstory III

What was the affair like?  Amazing, exciting, and fast-paced for three-months.  My heart used to pound out of my chest.  Literally! I could see my pulse in the sides of my neck, my entire body would flush, and well…  I’m sure that I don’t have to be crude, but honestly, no one has ever held a candle to her in terms of anticipation.  And truly, I don’t ever want to feel that excited again, because, at times, I felt like my heart would race away from me and I’d come to an end.

The last month turned out to be the most agonizing and haunting for me and likely for her. We had a great pattern for about 11-weeks. Dinner (usually I cooked it) and then tons of sex either on Friday or Saturday night.  Occasionally, we would have a couple of hours of sex during the week as well.  I felt that I wanted to tell her the truth, so I texted, “I love you,” to her once. She said, “I’m protective with my heart right now.” Of course, I reminded her that she had said it to me first anyway, and she had.

I had to go to this Christmas party the end of the year before I finally was able to start sleeping with her.  She was there.  Looking beautiful in a black suit, and thinner than usual, I decided to put away my general fear of her (In fact, she still makes my heart race.), and went up to her and said, “Merry Christmas, _________, and by the way, you look skinny and beautiful.”  And she flushed and said, “I love you.”  That was it.  So, the weekend after I had texted her that, I told her it, and said, “You may not recall that you said it to me first anyway,” and she said, “I remember that. It was last year’s Christmas Party,” and then she started kissing me.  I can still remember what her kisses felt like.  She acknowledged it, and from that night when we talked on the phone (and all days forward until the end of that year) she would say, “I love you.”

So, we should not have been having this affair for a variety of reasons.  We were having some pillow talk on the last day of November or it may have been December 1st by that point, and she said, “I want to go somewhere special with you and be like, ‘Here’s the woman that I love.  I want to show you off.'”  I told her, “_______, we cannot do that.  Wait until next fall and we can be doing what we want.”  She rolled away from me.  I tried and tried to talk to her about it, but she wouldn’t. The next morning seemed okay, but when I came up with my son, and her friends canceled on having dinner with us, the atmosphere around us got polluted.  I drank too much.  I kept apologizing.  I put my son on her bed to go to sleep.  She lay in my lap and then finally looked up at me, and said, “You don’t need a relationship.”

Agony that was December

So, we texted a little bit that night, and I didn’t sleep at all.  Nary a wink for a night, which would be what the next four months would mostly be like for my sleep, which also meant that although I had already lost 19-pounds that fall that I would loose another 8 and you’d be able to count the ribs in my back.  I was only able to sleep in four hour stretches from that point forward until spring came.

The next morning we spoke and she explained that in addition to her never wanting to be a mother, she was so far past being “anyone’s dirty little secret anymore.”  I didn’t even see her until the following weekend, and she only would talk to me on the phone about twice a week, instead of every single night as she had done for about 4-months.  That Saturday night, we watched some SNL, and she started holding me. That would be the pattern for the month of December.  She would eventually touch, cuddle, or kiss me, and stop me if I got to where she couldn’t keep me from taking the next step, which had been normal for us until that month.

I resigned the following Friday.  I got another job that Monday, which would start late January. She went out of town the week that I resigned.  She texted me the day of the face-to-face interview with the team, as I had passed the administrative interview, and then we had a cold conversation on the phone.  That is what December was like… She got colder and colder, and more removed from me.  It was so strange–watching someone become an iceberg.  It was like the lyrics to “China” by Tori Amos.

Two days after Christmas, we were to exchange presents and have dinner.  As I was finishing the very last errand two miles from my house, I got a flat.  I called her at her desk.  She wanted to patch it, but I just wanted a ride home.  She and I emptied out the contents of my car, and then drove to a restaurant for lunch after the tow truck pulled away.  We had lunch and laughed and I had a beer.  When we got home and she handed me my childseat, she embraced me, and I pushed her off.  I was nervous because I hadn’t vacuumed or finished up in my house, and didn’t want anything physical because I was tired of it. I was exhausted.  When I turned the corner in my basement, I started because she was at the base of my stairs and I was carrying clean sheets (I guess I was hopeful.).  Bam.  There she was.  I dropped my sheets and she held me for two minutes.  Do you know how long that is?  I honestly did not have the strength to push her away.

So, we laughed, talked, downloaded music, and made playlists and got increasingly physical over the next five hours. Then we were laying on my bed, and I had my left leg across her waist and one arm under her, and the other across her chest.  She has an absolutely beautiful voice, and she whispered, “What are you thinking about?” Then we were kissing pretty intensely when I unbuttoned her pants, and she said, “We said we weren’t going to do this…”  I heard “You said that,” in my head, but can’t remember what I said next.  It was great to make love again.  We showered together.  I sat on my bed and she started dressing, and so I said, “Just stay with me tonight.”  She said, “I can’t.”  When she started out of my bedroom, I said, “Why?”  She said, “I’m not convinced that this ever needs to happen again.”  Sex with her never did.  In fact, I only saw her pre-arranged three more times the following year, and it was always in public. My dance of imbalance began.


So, we had a going away party.  No clue why she came, but she did, and I guess that means that I saw her four times that New Year, but I don’t count this one, because I think it was very difficult for her to attend, and was shocked when I saw her walking in two and half hours after we had started.  It was emptying out, and there were only five girls left, and I was talking over my right shoulder and then she was suddenly in booth next to me.  I said, “You’re leaving?”  She said, “No, I have to finish that drink, but wanted to hug you and avoid the five person shuffle.” She embraced me tight, and I have no idea how I didn’t break down, but I didn’t.  The girls saw it, and probably after I left, that began the gossip, but I could barely function so it didn’t matter.  I remember one of them asking me if she and I were “good friends,” and I said, “We used to be.” One who is probably one of the most striking women I’ve ever seen not pictured in a magazine said, “Well, _______, is beautiful.”  And she is.  Not that I purport to “get her.”

About two weeks before that, I had driven partially off an icy bridge.  I hit the embankment, and was like, “Wow, what would have happened to me?”  Knowing the answer and seeing my son’s face, and realizing that I was not alright, I made a same-week appointment with a psychologist.  She helped steer me from active SI, but I could not sleep appropriately for four months.  I had an old blog at that time.  It is bizarre to read what I wrote:

I get a little nervous admitting this fact, as I’m sure that the flurry of responses to this entry will range from disbelief to profane.  But, until the end of last year, I had NEVER been hurt in a love relationship…  Ever.  I’m 33!!!  There was this kid that I was messed up about in high school who was four years my junior—scary—but that REALLY doesn’t count.  High school is so stupid.  I also had to end something in college, but I knew it was doomed from the beginning, so it was not something that could continue and it ending was a decision that I initiated.  My 11-year relationship HAD to end.  We both know that now based on so many things.  But…  These recent feelings are uncharted territories for me.

When I told a friend about this realization last night, she said, “Well, it’s about fucking time!”  She really wasn’t all that sympathetic, but then she got all sage-like, as she has a tendency to do (And incidentally, is one of the things that I really love about her.), and she said, “______, this was bound to happen.  You can’t avoid love nor can you wield it.  You’ll get over this when you are able.  It may be that someone helps you forget, or you may just begin to be O.K.  The latter could take a very long time, or you could be in the middle of a new relationship and something will remind you…”  Thanks, my friend.

So…  It’s an inextricable part of MY journey, which was wrought with very raw pain at the end of last year.  Everything is compounded though, because I am decisive, and sure of myself and my intuition, so parts of it have been extremely painful and difficult for me to discern.  The ultimate WTF moments have abounded.

I’m simply a person who just KNOWS nearly all of the time when it comes to people.  I guess that I’m not supposed to know the outcome of this situation.  I’m better than I was, but I still pine at times.  I also get very muddled and confused.  These are not typical emotions for me!  I am thankful not to be so raw though–that was truly awful off and on for about 5-weeks. My friend also quoted Michael Stipe a few times for me, which she said was “cheesy,” but I didn’t find it so.  Raw emotion is probably a universal experience that hits people at one time or another.  I just am so delayed in parts of my path, so that it took until my Jesus/Alexander the Great year to hit.


33 was a power year for me. I came out to everyone who I knew and one of my cousin’s responses was the best: “Well, duh. We all were wondering how the fuck you wound up marrying a man.” Hahaha. I’ve been out for 15-years.

Out completely with kids and staff at one site, and out with staff at the other site, which is why I was a mess a bit over the weekend and couldn’t bring myself to check email for a long time today.

I just had coffee in the climber’s office. It was nice to see her today. I wanted a hug, but it was a public and social day, so I’m going to lay low and hope that she contacts me. I’m not going to bother her with texts from me. We both have a vacation next week, so we’ll see if anything transpires. The other two possible situations have fallen flat, and that is cool. I want to go out on dates, connect with friends, and do my thing. It’s good for me to remember where I started and where I am going.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s