Monthly Archives: July 2012

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I have issues clearly

So, I took my son to my folks’ house during the lunch hour and met her for a impromptu date yesterday.  I fed her meter–actually I parked her car too, as she had trouble getting in the spot–bought her a couple beers and pizza and we went home to have sex.  It was nice, as was the conversation that we had, but then she suddenly looked at her watch and said, “I told [my roommate] that I’d be home at four, so I have to go, as much as I’d like to stay here and have sex all afternoon.”

I told her that she has to get home to someone who doesn’t give her what I do–which I had said in a smart aleck, in jest sort of way.  Then she said, “I have been in a relationship like that where I was told, ‘Oh, you can be an hour late.  You can be half-an-hour late,’ and I’m not going to do that anymore.  I like to tell whoever I’m meeting what time I will be home and do it.”  I said, “OK.”  I got up and got dressed.  That was not what I was saying, and I was joking, but I was pissed at the abruptness of her transition, and because she is so attached to her roommate I was really aggravated.  Also, I took my son elsewhere to do something nice for her, which I paid for, orchestrated, and was not implying that she needed to be late.  I was joking around.

As I was getting ready to leave my bedroom, I was seething, because she was comparing me to some girl who she was with for over three-years, and is probably 10 or more years my junior.  Then, the kicker was that it was 50-minutes until it was 4!  She lives 15-20 minutes away from me.  I told her the time and she said, “Oh, I looked at my watch wrong!”  I was infuriated.  Last night when we talked for a two-hours she said that I blew her looking at her watch incorrectly way out of proportion.  I told her that it seemed convenient, and she was insulted that I thought that she’d lie.  I told her that with the fervor that she started leaving, it seemed so dissimilar to the way in which she rolls.  I figured that she was going to go out, do whatever around girls, and wanted to get the hell out.

So, she is now aggravated at me for thinking that the watch was an excuse and that I want her to be with me all the time.  The latter is completely bizarre.  I have to admit that she triggered my ex-partner stuff.  Recall that my ex-partner was not exclusive with me, always slept with another girl, and “fell in love with me” when she had moved to the Southeast.  I do not want another fuck buddy again, and do want to be of value.  I guess that if you have as many relationships as I have had that you have what Missy Higgins sings about which is scars.

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Semi-gf

Remember in “Singles,” when one of the main characters is sitting in a coffee shop and says, “Hand me that phone, I am going to call my new, semi-girlfriend?”  I don’t know if I even really want one right now, and I do know that my schedule is daunting for all who are around me.  I was with my best friend and her family yesterday and she said, “Isn’t there one night that we can have dinner together next week?”  Things are going to go from busy to insane within seconds here, so I don’t know what I am capable of in terms of relationship maintenance.

Also, I would NEVER live with girl until I have known her a year, so I am not sure when you switch your relationships when many falls come around, how you will have a partner to do the day-to-day with you.  I told her and it is unfortunately very true that I have been part of a catch and release program for sometime now.  However, what I imagine myself being in is a longterm partnership.  That is what I’m seeking though in all honesty.

She left yesterday morning before I left to take my dog on a walk.  She was in text contact most all afternoon and then came over to connect and have more sex in the late afternoon.  I didn’t ask her to come over, but she kept asking what I was doing and when I would have my son with me again.  Then she had a family situation to deal with, which stressed her out, and we wound up talking quite a bit on the telephone before bed.  Then she texted and said that she still wanted to be talking to me, so we did.

She is sweet.  She is romantic.  She is an earnest and aggressive lover.  She is young.  She is scared to be vulnerable and open with me, so I will do what I do with anyone in that boat and that is give space to her while being consistent and solid.  In conclusion, I really do like her, enjoy time with her, and am grateful to have a girl to sleep with and connect to while I am working on my wounds.

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Growth

I got mad at her last night, and I’m not going to lie.  She told me all about what her housemate and she have decided about dating a mother, and I told her in addition to neither of them not being parents that they really don’t need to make me out to be a Springer episode.  And they don’t.  We aren’t doing family time, and the latter was only done with my ex because it was the first and only time that I fell head-over-heels in love and believed in a one.  Also, I loved, loved, loved her son, and really can’t click to her social media page because I don’t want to see him.  I loved him and I still do and probably wouldn’t have put up with her shit as much with no backlash had I not felt so connected to him.

Now, I want concerns to be dealt with right away, so I told her that she and I would be seeing each other every other weekend until we make some decisions.  This is dating at it’s purest form and that’s it.  Speculating about my abilities as a parent when your analogy is your str8 sister and your nephew and two nieces that you see about monthly is a poor one.  She knew that she crossed the line and I don’t want her and the woman who she lives who she addresses as “her wife” to make assumptions about me.  It’s judgmental.

I won’t be judged.  I won’t be defined.  I will slowly see what we are.  I will make some decisions after some time has elapsed.  I will communicate clearly and efficiently too when I’m triggered.  After it occurs, I will write about it, and put it away forever, because I wish that my ex could have done that just once with me.  I’m not going to make hash marks.  That is NOT me.

She called me back 5-minutes after we hung up and asked me to tell her a joke.  She said our conversation was odd, and I didn’t remind her to put herself in my shoes, but I did call her back several minutes after we hung up again, and told her one.  We will have fun tonight though…  I just know it.  I’m done with it, told her where my limit is, and I won’t even put energy out where she can talk about my son who she has seen twice.  I want us to discover what “we” are and that should be free of my kid.  That is where my ex and I got convoluted anyway.  No texts since Thursday from the latter, so I plan on enjoying this night to the hilt, and having some good, illicit sex as well.

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Kindness

The friend who I have been sleeping with is so kind.  I can’t believe how conscientious she is about contact and staying connected to me.  We talked last night before bed and then texted some more.  I really hope that she will finally get some sleep.  I like just being able to talk free from resentment and simply enjoy when we are together.  I think that she and I really do have some destiny to stay in each other’s lives after we see out what it is that we are doing.

My ex texted me last night.  It says that she misses me and that I will always have a piece of her heart.  I don’t even know what that means really.  I think that given what she does for a living and how she controls her friends that she is not able to separate how she shows up with others or even differentiate between her work and friendships.  Even with her best friend, who she doesn’t see frequently, she still makes comments about and to directly in terms of the way that she leads her life.  It’s really a classic Adlerian paradigm, and I’d rather be with someone and just be.  I want judgment reserved.  I’ll delete her message in a little while.  I won’t contact her again.  I’ll wish her a Happy Birthday, but I don’t want contact.  I really do want a year’s worth of space.

I want kindness.  I’m seeking it and give it anytime that I can.  If someone is leading her life in a way that I don’t think is good, I can say that it wouldn’t be for me, but it probably works for that person.  A good example is a friend who I’ve had for 25-years who has done break-up / make-up with her partner for 4-years.  It would not be for me (And I have told her this twice), but I think that is the dynamic that she and her girl have, so it must work for them.  Kindness and consistency works for me in addition to honest and open communication.  I like having sex with someone who is kind, consistent, and honest with me too.  I am having a good end to my vacation this week.

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Momentum

I feel really good.  I think that although I did coerce her into coming over last night that I was good to her.  She was sore given her camping trip and fast-paced lifestyle that she has.  Also, she had not slept in four-days.  I should have taken melatonin, so I could have slept more soundly after I gave her a deep massage.  Next time…  Saturday that is.  I felt bad that we woke up a lot because I am–let’s face it–stoked to have a naked woman wake up next to me what will be three times this week.  That is so rare for me, and is honestly what I’m looking for longterm.  As is someone to make breakfast for everyday.  That was nice too.

I told her that my lifestyle may not work for her because this will be my busiest 10-months, but if she just wants to see what may develop given that I love hanging out with her and enjoy our sex life, then we can just see what it’s like when we spend more time together and settle into the fall.  We really had some good chemistry there and it is sooooo good to be back in the saddle again.  With my ex, things that were that satisfying became few and far between, so it’s also gratifying.

I’m just going to take this situation day-by-day.  She has housemates who are like family to her, and she frankly does not want to disrupt that much, so it may be that she is not really in the boat for a partner.  I’d be fine with us just having sex and seeing each other when we could and then becoming friends after I’m done with this busy, busy year.  What will be, will be and I feel so much better than I did and am grateful to not be pining for last fall with my ex.

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A taste

That is the bad thing about sex when you are not used to having it as much as you’d like…  You want more.  Damn.  She is out-of-town and I have my son.  I suppose that we will sleep together this weekend anyway.  Damn again!  I wasn’t going to do this kinda thing with her.  Physically, she is not really my type at all, but maybe I’m just so happy to liked for who I am and have someone interacting nicely with me that thinks who I’m sexy and smart.  That’s a good thing.  Sooooo superior to selfish, negative, and creepy when you are unwilling to drive to me, are unsure that I have longterm potential, and want to be free of sexual intensity.  Well, the latter sure has a different spin when you fuck until 5 in the morning and then do it again at 7.

I did tell her that she needs to be dating a non-mother and probably someone her age or younger.  She said that she has done younger.  I will tell you too that she was the first thing on my mind today as were some of the particulars from the 6-hours of sex.  When I called her this morning, I told her that I have no idea what we are.  The thing is that I just want to take a year and see, but I also want her to find someone way less complicated than I am.  I will be working constantly August – May and I have full custody of my son.  That is not constant sex, which is something that she likes.

I can also tell you that for right now, she is nice to talk to and that I’d do her right now if she was in town and I could get a sitter.  I fell in love hard once and it was simple for three-months, so now I think that I feel more comfortable going back to slow, organic development.  I shall see and truly have an ease with her, so I will just take each day with her and see what becomes of it.

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30-day trial is not applying right now

I had hot sex last night and this morning with a friend of mine.  She and I have known each other very vaguely, but we have been hanging out a ton since mid-June.  We went out and when the night waned on, I realized that I was going to sleep with her.  She is also vaguely in love with me, which made it flattering.  She is very smart too, so when we talked about our fate and a one-time thing, it was obvious to me that is just want she wanted as well.  It was nice, and it was very nice to forget about my ex for many hours.

The only thing is that she is ready to date, and I can date every other weekend.  Given that she does not have kids of her own, that is what we could do.  I told her what we both already knew…  We are at different stages of life, that I would not bring my son around our dating, and that she is worth way, way more than a rebound thing.  She deserves the whole package.  I need to heal up completely anyway.

I won’t sleep with her again anytime soon.  I want to do social things with girls and build up my circle of friends.  I used to say that I don’t do my friends, and I wouldn’t, but I just wanted arms around me as did she, because for her, it had been a long, long time.  She is a brand-new friend anyway, because I have known of her, but not known her really until last month.  I hope that this intimate connection will be an impetus for her to meet a girl who is not a Mom to date.

The thing that is amazing is how open she is.  My ex doesn’t take anything that I say at face value.  It’s a competition or I am not being truthful.  With this girl who is my friend it is polar opposite–as are her looks–which meant that I had to talk to her somewhat about the obvious reasons for our sex.  I have no regrets.  It made me feel vital and will help cure me of my ex’s spell.

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Leave it

I think that my ex did some girl on Friday night, so of course she gets into contact with me under the guise of supporting me because something awful has happened to some of the families who I work with and that she wants to “support.”  I did think about her all day and I actually don’t care that I said that she was the one who I wanted to hug me via text.  It’s true.  I  think that she was on my mind, because there was pain and pressure resulting from the problems and we had pain in our relationship.  That was our normal rhythm.  But, I do feel good about leaving her a VM saying that I have plenty of friends and if it was 5-years later, we could totally catch up, but right now, thanks for checking in on me, but what I miss is being her girlfriend.  I do get that she will always push and pull me and that is more her issue than mine, because I’m for real.  And I know that I can leave it…  Just like my dog is typically able to do with those things that would cause her pain or she does not need.

I am glad that I’m writing, because I don’t feel jealous now.  I was in Nancy Drew mode when I woke up this morning, and really the girl (Or even if it is a guy, because she does enjoy sex with men.) doesn’t matter, but what does is after she did it, she misses me.  In fact, I completed a 9-mile hike on Friday and she commented on the album in the middle of the night on Friday.  She can’t stop thinking about me.  Me.  The one who was a blue-light special who she won’t drive to, doesn’t know if I have longterm qualities, and just needs to see if we are compatible.  Well, at the end of the day, we will not have a longterm relationship, because she will not let it just be and grow, but instead has to look for “hidden” meaning in what I say and put parameters on my behavior that she controls.  So be it.  Now, I need to focus on the fact that she’s an ex and that I don’t need another friend.

My cycling partner’s family was in town last week.  I really liked meeting her sister; although my son was a mess and making interesting choices when he was upset.  I know what we can focus on this school year, because he is actually doing much better with compliance, so now we can work on confidence.  That is a good analogy for me too.  I am a good rule follower in relationship, because although my personality is fairly strong, I usually bend because I’m naturally adaptable.  This time around I will be cognizant about where my girl bends too.  Compromise and flow.  I really like that my cycling partner’s sister said about me, “I liked meeting her.  She is such a genuine person.”  That is me, and I know that I can find genuine too, because that is honestly the energy that I put out there.  Tomorrow or later in the week, I am going to start writing about my 30-day plan.

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Realization

I don’t like nominalizations as a general rule, but I guess I am here and that is what the outcome is because I’m completely single and it is one of those abrupt ending things.  I got really angry with her because her approach is competitive and superior.  I realized that would be hard for me and my son to navigate when she and I fought.  I was also really hurt when what I was reduced to was 1) not be willing to drive to me, 2) not sure if I had longterm qualities, and 3) wanting to date in a casual, but exclusive way.  All of smelled of I want you to know how not into you that I am, and you have to chase me while I call all the shots.

I have realized that I am at least initially attracted to these controlling, addict types of women.  They have this appearance and semblance of security wherein they really just want to craft a world that includes how others around them will behave.  I don’t actually miss her, but I miss the way it felt to fall in love with her initially.  How does one keep love going?  I think I could have had I not been attacked so often.  That I do not miss or do I miss the way that she would loose her temper walking her dog or when an employee of hers did something that she didn’t agree with in terms of performance or decision-making.  She is the type of woman who puts others on the constant defense in general.  I think that she likes to be intimidating, because then when those around her have had enough and leave, she can tell herself that they had failings or weren’t accountable.

I used to be so sweet to her.  I was reduced in the end to being hopeful, but ultimately realizing that we would always have an external factor in our relationship, which at the end was halting the physical component in our relationship.  I have great friends and I do get to see them often, but I do live alone with my son and my dog.  I don’t want to be living in this big house without a family that includes partnership.

I learned that I can be rawly vulnerable.  I mastered the ability to connect before and during sexual intimacy.  I developed the desire to keep my body as strong as is possible with many duties that I have.  I have started to put things that are small first in my house so I live in order each day.  I know that I am worthwhile and that I deserve lasting love, and even though everyone says that we all deserve to be loved, I appreciate working toward it and making changes that I can.  I will make mistakes, but I’m willing to behave differently.

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Can’t do crazy

So, she was here for a couple of hours and some change and said that we could date.  Are you kidding?  We talked about your donor and when our timeline could align, etc., and were together for 8-months.  I can’t navigate her control issues and her approach to me.  Done with the push-pull.  Will not ever answer anything from her ever again and am all set.  I just need to heal.

Let’s summarize.  She wants to “date,”  but won’t drive down.  She has no idea if I’m longterm relationship material and just wants to get to know me to see.  I’m afraid that is working with an employee from an escort service, and I know that I could use her Debit card for gas, but again, I’m looking for a partner.  I thought that is what we both were looking for, but she’d rather stay stuck in old patterns and saying that I hurt her too much.  So, I guess it’s a call girl who emotionally triggers you.  No thanks.

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What does she want?

I still don’t understand where she is.  She chats me last week and says that she wants what I want too, eg. being held, co-parenting, and not feeling like she is carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders, and now the difference between she and I is that she doesn’t really have to have a partner.  Well, make up your mind.  You sure have about not going to counseling, but you still want the cake to consume don’t you?

She tells me that she misses our sex life and that we should try that as an approach.  I told her that I have had a loveless commitment, and I’ve had a fuck buddy, and now I’m seeking partner.  I guess that we have a lot to talk about today.  Again, she plays the role of seductress very well, but it feels like she has to keep one foot out.  I’m worth much more than that.  She said that we can’t make a relationship work, but doesn’t want to be analyzed or does she have time to go to counseling.  Given that she neglected to see the woman who she sees during her father’s last month, death, and disorganized funeral, I do know that the latter is true.  To be true to myself and respect myself, I can say what I want in just over four hours.

  1. I want to share my daily life with someone
  2. I want to wake up next to her and go to bed next to her more nights than not
  3. I want a family and the possibility to have more children
  4. I want to talk about things before they become problematic and evolve into bad patterns
  5. I want someone who even after some time, we still have trouble taking our hands off of each other
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Wonder

So, a brand new friend came over for the traditional 4th of July BBQ last night and we played with my son, talked, ate, laughed and connected.  Notice that I say new, because in fact, I met her at my friend’s going away party last month as that girl was moving to the West Coast.  We get along really, really well.  It’s easy and it will stay easy because of variety of reasons, but it’s sad that she does like me.  That won’t grow for me, because with sexual chemistry, I can feel it immediately and if I can’t imagine things, I don’t stare into your eyes, at your mouth, look at your ass, and glance at your hands, it won’t happen ever.  I know that is not cool, but I’m wired that way and passion doesn’t grow for me.

I was not only thinking how odd it was that she and I can just talk, but I was also thinking how good it is that when she challenges what I say that she gives me examples about what others do, etc., but doesn’t attack me or make a fundamental attribution error saying that decisions that I make, make me who I am, when in fact, they are simply decisions and not character flaws.  I also don’t like having my words dissected so they can be used as evidentiary support for why I have ulterior motives or am being deliberately evasive.  Why does my ex still have my heart?  Well, because in matters of the heart, rational thoughts don’t enter in as much as we’d like.  I told my new friend that it would really be great if I had a switch over my left breast, but I don’t, so I will just have to gain some understanding on Sunday and then make some rules.

She thinks that I will continue this waiting around thing, and I assured her that I won’t.  Otherwise, “coffee” would not have had those kinda thrilling aspects when I got compliments, or when we smiled as often at each other as we did.  I am glad she is taken, because I don’t want the swing through the rebound with a girl like her, and I really need to get my act together before I date again.  But, after some connection and time, I would be ready to date another girl again.

I wonder what Sunday will hold.  I think that I know because she is pretty transparent.  I think that she has now had ample time to build up her case for why I messed up our relationship.  That’s fine if that it is what she has to convince herself of, but I know that we’d have been fine if she didn’t start breaking up with me after the first of the year, and by the third round of it, I just tended to agree with her.  The final straw was the dramatic going into the spare bedroom when I was not only not near her or was I talking to her.  Honestly, when I think about that, I wonder why I even went up there over Memorial Day?  When you know that you have  a few good days with someone and then she goes back into a cycle of worry and anxiety, which translates into her attacking you, that will probably always be her pattern.  I don’t understand why she has my heart actually, and I wonder how long it will take to have it be ready and open for something new?

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Clairvoyance

Is this what “actual girls” really expect you to have?  There must be a reason that I have been with three Gold Stars, as they were pretty transparent.  A couple of my friends have said that my ex was my “first real girl,” but I lived with a barely bi straight girl in college, so I am not sure, but I do not get my ex.  What does she really want and expect?  I sure as hell don’t get it!  And when I was married to a man, I just wanted him to listen and not tell me what I did wrong or tell me how I should have handled things when I had a bad day at work.  I did not expect him to anticipate my needs and would directly say, “Can you just listen?  I don’t even expect you to respond,” which did translate into him making a hostile look while he listened, but then again, he does things so much better than me.  Anyway…

So, of course the contact CONTINUES.  And I don’t like the way that some social media sites keep you signed in if you are just simply using your cell, so I may disable that feature if possible.  She acts like we have been hanging out or something and can just do idle chit chat.  What kind of shit is that?!?  We have not seen each other since the 25th of May and that ended in total crap, so I am not sure what she is thinking.  She also wants to say that I am the one that is too busy, and that is bizarre too.  I asked her what was attractive about an 80-mile roundtrip in three-hours wherein I watch her paddle around a lake and get all kinds of emotions stirred up?  She changed the subject on that one!  Lord.

Sunday cannot come soon enough for me because she will just keep contacting me.  Why TF will she not go to counseling with me? I don’t get it, because if someone is on your mind this much and all you want is for them to hold you at night, then why don’t you want to make the relationship work?  I do not understand her.  I do need some loose ends tied up though so I can move on, so I really can’t wait for the weekend to get here.  I may not comprehend things any better than I do now, but we can make some rules so I don’t have to be pissed like I am.

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Dday

So, I’ve got a week.  That’s good too, because she actually is driving me nuts.  She said that she was thinking about me in a naked way last week, and a few hours later, she called and was sarcastic and flirty, and then we lost signal so she played her game by not telling me why she couldn’t call me back (She could have quickly sent a text.) until she was going to bed.  She is mean and manipulative.  The thing is that saying that to her won’t get me anywhere.  I just want to tell her that I’m not comfortable with much of a friendship until a lot of time has elapsed.  As she makes commenting on my status and activities in addition to pictures that have me in it a religious exercise, she can stalk me since she added me last week (She had taken me off when she told me that I was selfish, negative, and creepy.).  I don’t ever click to her page and may turn off any updates from her soon.

I just need to start getting over her.  My cousin is afraid that I will sleep with her next week and then feel guilty.  She needn’t.  That I won’t do; although, I am sure that she will be seductive, which is another form of her manipulation.  When she asks me directly if I’m either still attracted to her or if I want her, I will answer honestly.  Although I do, it wouldn’t feel right even in the moment because our relationship has gotten so gamey and fucked up.  I will tell her that even though I asked twice about going to couple’s counseling, her non-answer was enough for me.  I will also explain that I just need time off and I just believed that we needed to state our intentions uninterrupted and face to face.  Using her words to “not personalize it” when I don’t contact her at all should be that she understands that in order for me to heal, I don’t want to be intimately connected.  Again, maybe next July we can see what is what, but for now, we should embark on a Christmas card relationship.

We will need parameters and ground rules.  I’m going to ask that we don’t raise our voices.  I have only done that once at the end of a VM, but she is a screamer.  I also want us to completely hear each other out, and when I ask, “What do you think of that?” I would prefer that she tell me rather than say, “I’m just listening” or “I need to process,” because I know what that yields.  She keys up for why I am wrong much, much later rather than just validating how I feel.  That approach makes me really glad that I’m not her girlfriend and makes me not want to ever have her very close.