Tag Archives: Relationships

by

April Fool’s Day

The wind died down! Woo-hoo. It was so depressing. I still was able to walk 230,460 steps for March, which was good for me as of late. I bike a ton so often that’s why my step count is lower. January and February were so trying for me because I couldn’t really cycle much. I had never truly known how much of my self-care is wrapped up in riding my bike. I have this thing wherein I like my walking and cycling to add up to more hours than being in a car. I failed miserably last month:

I had a bunch of fun with my friend yesterday at lunch. I drank two IPAs. I had the best charred chicken wings ever too. I told her that I have a goal of love for others. She said, “Like polyamory?” I answered in the affirmative. She said, “What if you meet an incredible woman and she wants you to be hers exclusively?” I told her that I would say that she is a great woman and if that is what she wants she deserves someone to feel that same way about her and build something exclusive together. When I have just written out what she asked me, my stomach truly turned the strong, black coffee that I consume every morning. There is something revolting to me about possession of a person.

I do think that marriage is a great idea. When I got married in 2014, I wanted two egos in the house–as I am forever seeking balance and have it tattooed on right bicep–to help raise my son well. She did so many things for him. I really hope that if he does get done with high school midway through next month that he calls and tells her. I would have stay married to her too; although, like I told my friend yesterday, she did wind up crying 3-4 days inconsolably weekly in the last year that she lived with me. She struggles with health and wellness. I wish her well, and am grateful to her that I finished my doctorate with her help. She will get $82,500 for it, and then I will consider our chapter completely written.

I don’t want to remarry. I don’t want to cohabitate. I also truly believe that I can be in love with 2-3 women concurrently. My friend was obviously intrigued by how that could be. I told her that I had 15-years of my writing, so it’s not like a new concept to me. Speaking of which, look what I found this week:

“I wonder if I can be very attracted to several girls at once,” as written by ______ on January 17, 2013. That’s because I always am. So, as I wrote about in March as written by the brilliant screenwriter Cameron Crowe, “So what’s love?” To me it’s being moved mind, body and soul. The soul thing is consuming and pervasive. I’ve felt in twice in my life. One lasted a few months and another lasted years. I’m fine with no sex until those three conditions are met.

My friend recommended “Attached” and there are 22 holds, so I used gift cards and ordered it. I can bike to pick it up tomorrow. I’ll give it to someone after I read it. Obviously, people are wrestling with their attachments if there are currently 22 active holds.

My colleague who almost died is in FL as I mentioned and we have her daughter. Her daughter is a year younger than my son and lightyears more advanced emotionally. I don’t know why. Anyway, she talked to me last night about her attachment to her mother and how mother-daughter relationships are complicated. Mine really wasn’t. My Mom and I only fought when she told me that I was putting on heirs going to my first round of graduate school. We weren’t the same after that, but we still had a foundation and she was my touchstone and safe point. I know that she wasn’t a treat to come out to, but we had an uncomplicated foundation that is difficult to completely explain.

I sang on Thursday and some members of my doctoral group and the nice guy from work and his girlfriend and I are singing tonight. I called the dance studio and no one is there until Monday. I may drop in there on Monday. I don’t work very much on Monday anyway. My son and my colleague’s daughter practiced a little bit last night and we taught her some chords. She has an electric guitar at home. I was so grateful that she entertained my son last night. I was also grateful that my son’s Dad went through his Federal and State returns and found an exclusion for tax rate because someone claims him as a dependent. I am looking forward to my Boss’ birthday party tomorrow. Her sister is an artist and has a huge poly community. I’ll definitely be chatting with her!

Finally, I read an article in the US version of “International Business Times” about April Fool’s Day. It likely started when folks migrated from the Gregorian calendar to the Julian calendar. There have been several types of spring jest as well. Sometimes sending someone on a fool’s errand or dressing up to make fun of the powerful is part of April Fool’s Day. All of those historical reference points seem good for a night doing karaoke with physicians and professors!

by

224,503

That’s my current step count. It’s incredibly unlikely that I’ll get 75,000 today, but I want to get as many as I am able. I’m drinking coffee and waiting to walk the pups and then am meeting a friend of mine for lunch. She has a private practice–she’s not a public servant like I am–and always texts and says, “I’m free on Thursday.” I don’t quite understand how after we’ve known each other for 14-years how she doesn’t understand my ample vacation schedule, but I guess it doesn’t really matter. I just know that she won’t encode mid-August through the first days of June is my schedule for grad students and clients. Her knee is toast right now and she plays semi-professional pickleball, so we won’t be walking. I have improved my step count for March as it’s much higher than it was in January and more than February. The latter is surprising because February I was at convention and also had to walk 4-miles in the middle of the night one night when the trains were not running consistently.

She’s on her third and final marriage. She was also, like me, married to a man as a young person. She has a thirty-year-old and a 20-year-old. I like her wife. We three span 30-years, which is really weird to think about. I’m 48, my friend is 58, and her wife is 68.

I remember when she was 44 that we were smoking pot on her couch and I was thinking about kissing her. She probably chalked it up to my being stoned. I floated dating her for a year probably and never made moves. We have a long-term friendship. She isn’t the most consistent person in the world and I wind up leaving her many VMs and then she finally will make plans with me, and again, texts things like “I’m off on Monday.” I think that I see her once or twice a year.

I went out with a couple of colleagues last night and we all sang. One of the women is really, really good. It’s funny, but when someone is that good, I don’t sound as good. I’ll have to go out with them again and get over myself. I need to do that and also learn to dance. I’m going to call another studio today. I think that if I could be less stiff, I would be happier. Learning new things is good for everyone and especially good for me.

It’s dry and scary windy. I have to water my trees shortly, so they don’t perish. After lunch today I have to go get groceries. My colleague who almost died is away on convention in FL and I am taking care of her daughter. I need to prepare four meals and she is a big eater, so I have to get lots of food. I am prowling with my doctoral group on Saturday night and will take her to work before that. Sunday I will just unwind. It was a pretty fun week off of work, and I’m ready for the 8-week push until summer vacation!

by

Attachment

The last time that I saw the climber was March 13th and we kissed a whole bunch in my car after I asked for a hug. That weekend I read Fraley (2019) for an updated view of attachment. The article was very good, so I printed it for her, but she wasn’t at work on the 20th having had car trouble weekend climbing so I’ve not given it to her and am re-reading it in the printed form. I’ll give it to her next Friday.

What’s sticking out to me now, upon reading the article another time, is that primary attachment isn’t likely an adult thing. That makes a ton of sense to me too, as when toddlers who were characterized as avoidant or anxiously attached would have disruptions as adolescents given that they didn’t have a safe space at home when they were going through tumult. I agree. Several hours before my Mom died I told her again what a good Mom she was and that I wouldn’t be who I was without her parenting. Had my Dad been responsible for me solely, I’d be on drugs, a drunk or dead. My Mom would stay up late until I got home from work, she would keep dinner on “Keep Warm” in the oven when I got home in the dark at 7:30 after a difficult swim practice and sit there while I ate it talking to me about school and practice. I was attached to my Mom in a secure way. But, she didn’t stay my primary figure.

My friends are really important to me, and I’m attached to them as a source of support. I have four best friends. A guy from middle school, a woman who I used to work for in TX, my best friend from my first round of grad school, and my best friend here whom I see in person usually monthly are people who I can only see or talk to occasionally, but feel connected to anytime that we’re together. I can always eat and laugh with my best friend. We have a love of music. She will Pollyanna things though and also has a bit of the “silver-lining” it. I don’t give her full details of my plights, and rather just tell her where I am once I get there.

My best friend from grad school was the one who knew that I was going through problems with my ex-wife in the greatest detail. My ex-wife would get overwhelmed with the way that I argue and the general fire that my son spews and would move out all the time. Oddly, she wanted to live partially here and partially in AZ ongoing. When she met a man on the Internet and had him in the house while I was in ME and asked my son about it when he was going to his Dad’s and I couldn’t talk to her about how inappropriate that was–you can’t date at a park or coffee shop?–I said that we didn’t need to talk anymore. I’m just paying her off right now. I’ll be completely done in either August or September. I told my best friend from grad school the whole story. She listened and said, “Wow” a lot. That’s all that I needed. I’m going to go see her in Germany in November. All this information to say that I don’t have a primary attachment figure and have several. Fraley (2019) summarizes research about adult attachment networks.

I have networks and am most interested now in consensual nonmonogamy, which is what the same article has detailed in the last section (Fraley, 2019). I want to treat lovers as I have friendships. I have so many friends. Because I moved 13 times before I turned 13 too I am adept at making new friends. I have also worked on being open. It was easier for me after I came out at 33. I can talk openly with anyone who I trust and am a good judge of character. The latter is probably an occupational hazard as I can read body language and also tone of voice better than most. I can easily tell who I should tell personal bits of information and who I should not. I don’t like to do what society tells me. I also believe that I can be completely in love with 2-3 women. Fraley (2019) that personal motivational factors can affect attachment. I am motivated to meet lots of women and also spend time with the climber when she wants to hang out with me. Stay tuned.

by

Try it again

I did not have to use those simulated ice tools again. They let me simply climb. They started me on a 5.9 and the start was brutal. By the time I was 10-feet up, I was shaking. I told the instructor that it was way past my ability level. I have climbed 7 times TOTAL before, so I’m not good with mini edge pieces like this one:

You slide your foot sideways on it and are barely flat on the wall. I felt really good when the instructor who has climbed all over the nation said that the start was gnarly, and also said that it was a 5.11+ climb after she couldn’t get up it all the way. Sport climbing is pretty difficult actually. I want to get back on rock. I ought to be able to do that mid-April because the climber is so nice. I needed my pinky though and because I had bowled 6 games on Thursday, and my middle finger was a little swollen and it got more swollen climbing. I need to take really good care of my hands and joints if I want to get better at climbing. The top broken pinky joint feels mostly healed, but the bottom joint still looks a little dislocated and is pretty swollen. I’ll have the OT at work look at it again next week. No more boxing or dodgeball.

I lifted on Friday and on Sunday. I want to take my dogs hiking Wednesday. I would like to get my total steps up to 300,000 by Friday. I never quite track 10,000 per day, but always get way more heart points than is recommended. I’m only up to 174,368 steps, so I need 31,000 or so everyday for the remainder of the week. It’s doable. I have a walking lunch with a friend of mine on Friday and tomorrow I am having lunch at a colleague’s parents’ house.

I am going to karaoke with my doctoral group on Saturday. I’m going to bring the nice guy from work if he remembers. I guess that you can have friends join. The cardiologist’s friend from snowshoeing saw his picture and asked me to bring him. It’s at least slightly a prowl for me. I really want to increase my pool.

My Boss turns 40 on Sunday and is having a bash. I asked the climber, but she was noncommittal. She wasn’t rude, but has been pretty adamant lately about wanting to climb soon, and hasn’t said yes to anything else; although she thanked me for calling and inviting her to the party. She’s climbing and ice climbing for a week. We’re good though. She didn’t go to work last Monday and texted back and forth with her initiation that day. After kissing in the car when we commuted home together a couple of weeks ago today, I knew that she and I were good.

It’s so nice to not be working right now. I got all my tax stuff submitted to the accountant and now am waiting for a giant bill. I made over 131K last year, so I will pay in badly. I’m going to clean some stuff around the house too. I’m getting things done that I don’t have the bandwidth to do when I go into the office everyday.

My ex-mother-in-law texted me. She has a memory of just us eating dinner in a restaurant in NM. I don’t think it ever happened. We had breakfast with her boyfriend only, but I didn’t go to dinner with just her. I didn’t argue and recommended The Shed. I hope that she and her boyfriend like it. Neither one of us made it a thing. It was a little unsettling. I would never want ill-will between us and legitimately miss her and my ex-wife’s two sisters.

I get 9-weeks of vacation this summer. I’m going to go to OR. I’ve never been. I’m going to stay in Portland two nights and then I’m actually driving–I never do that–a couple of hours to Crater Lake. I will still rent a bike so I can do the 33-mile rim ride, but will have a car. I usually use my feet or rented cycles on solo vacations. I’m going to call two companies tomorrow morning before I go to lunch. I want to have a bike with me for a couple of days when I’m physically at Crater Lake Lodge. I’m also going to boat on a booked trip to Wizard Island. I’m looking forward to spring and summer!

by

Fill Line

Whew!

I have weight machines today, but first have to drink coffee and walk my dogs. I also need to pop over to the crunch and go chiropractor because my left hip is really janky and throwing me off.

I am over the social limit. I had fun at guitar, but two teachers were talking to me during instruction, so I’ve had to practice more at home because I didn’t learn the song as well as I usually do. Bowling was fun. I was super mid averaging 115. Then Thursday we had our neighbors over for dinner and wine until 9. Friday I went to my best friend’s house and had to meet two new women. I sang like crazy, and didn’t play much. My best friend is a professional musician, so I get really shy when it’s her and others around. I could play just for her! I did sing a lot and sounded good. Yesterday two previous colleagues and I got together for Korean BBQ and Cass. I don’t even like lagers, but it was so cool and crisp–yum! Then I had a two-hour pit stop at home and my son learned the bass line for “Jumper” and brought his tiny amp that my ex sister-in-law had bought him for Christmas upstairs. It’s really fun to play. I want to sing it a little differently, so I need to memorize it. Then we went to the cowboy bar with two different previous colleagues and my current colleague who almost died and our workmate. The latter two and I do the same job. I really need to learn to dance. I have no confidence anymore. I was wishing that Owen was there. He would be patient with me, and he smells good, and is tall and gentle. I hit a wall at 11:30 and insisted that my colleague didn’t Uber and took her home. I had two big beers at 2-hour dinner, so I didn’t drink at the cowboy bar. I had a dissociative state and slept until nearly 9. I am over the fill line for being social.

This week is just as social. I have weights today, cardio with my son tomorrow, guitar class, bowling and then bowling with much of our whole staff from my main site. I’m so glad that I have Friday off of work! The weekend is cold, so I’m going to solo hike with the dogs on Friday when my son leaves for school. My goal is to practice guitar everyday and hike on the days that it isn’t snowing starting the 27th. I climb on Saturday the 25th.

I’m going to ask the climber out tomorrow afternoon. I was wanting to go to the Japanese gardens and eat, but the restaurant has permanently closed. COVID has really changed our landscape in the city. I am going to see if she’ll go north and west of town to sushi and then we can walk the neighborhood to some parks. I know that she wants to climb again soon too, and only the middle joint of my pinky is still swollen. I would like to have dinner with her on April 6th.

She introduced me to a term that I didn’t know on our ride home solo last week. It’s a phrase called, “attachment system.” I certainly knew about Ainsworth’s work with the strange situation and parent-child attachment and possible impacts on adolescent development, but thinking about anything related to one’s schema of attachment in relationships later was new to me. I printed the article that I read, and will give her the copy tomorrow. I learned about consensual non-monogamy in it in addition to attachment systems that she explained a bit. I hope that she likes the article and talks to me about her insights. Maybe over dinner in a month or so!

by

Afternoon commute

Sunday night the nice guy said that he is going to ride in solo for a day or two, so I texted the climber about our commute. The nice guy’s gf is very sick with COVID; although he is testing negative. So, it would be three of us–including my son–in, and she and I only on the way home. Yay. I got my son settled in the backseat of the car with the exception of his missing medication. I also forgot my coffee cup because I didn’t pack it in my lunch pail. If those are the worst things that happened given the time change, I’ll take it. I knocked on the dark door of her huge house and she came out very shortly. My son was nice and quiet in the backseat with the exception of making conversation about a topic that she knows a lot about, so it was a cool commute in given that I had snowshoed this weekend and she had climbed a frozen waterfall and rare formation. We had tons of outdoor conversation. She was really touched by the coffee that I made her and the milk, but didn’t use the cane sugar.

I had cooked breakfast for our whole staff and she has a mug of mine that she’s been using since then, so I went to borrow it and she said, “No, I’m going to take care of this because it has water in it.” Then she came into my office and laid against my back while I was scoring a test event. I told her that she is distracting. Pretty ballsy too as the nice guy was outside the door just feet away; although he can’t see into my office and could only hear us. I spent 10-minutes in her office at the end of lunch. She’s really easy for me to talk to and feel connected.

I told her that people have specific reactions to me just wanting to be and be open to whatever in terms of connections. I told her that people believe that I’m in a phase. She said, “Who cares if it is a phase and it ends?” I told her it’s really not given that with my marriages and the time that I was with both of them that it added up to 21-years of monogamy. Then I had exclusiveness with at least four other women now that I think about it. (I just realized that now that I’m writing.) The day to day stuff just doesn’t work for me personally, so I know that it’s not phase-oriented. I just want moments. I found out also that the climber had wanted kids and that she would still likely be married if he’d been able to have them, and that made me sad and made me understand her big, bustling household of 5 other folks who cook and host dances together. That’s her family and it’s very cool.

When we got to her house I asked her if I could have a hug. Then we wound up holding each other really close. Her breathing was a little jagged and she said, “I don’t want to get out of your car.” I told her that she didn’t have to and kissed her cheek and she held me tighter. We wound up kissing for awhile. It was so incredibly nice. Before she was getting out, she bit the front of my left bicep. I told her that we need to get together and she agreed. I’m going to see if I can get dinner with her in the next three weeks, and she wants to go climbing with me. My skin on my pinky is scaly and weird. I think it’s trying to do everything to heal up. I’ll use the dreaded simulated ice tools again on March 25th and will see how holding it with a three-fingered grip works.

She is such a complex person. I’m just starting to get to where I can ask her personal questions. I wouldn’t say that’s she’s guarded, but she doesn’t give lots of information unsolicited. She has definitely moved me on a body and mind level. I look forward to more time with her.

by

Social Butterfly

It took forever to get up to the lunch spot that the host picked. A pickup and some semis had a collision near one of the mountain passes so traffic accordioned back although the accident had been cleared. When I got there, Vegan was there! I was shocked. The host and her partner said, “Well, you pretty much have your doctorate.” So the rules are loose and you can bring friends. Check. No neuroscientist and no medical school director in attendance. Fairly nice lunch. The butterfly had hosted a Christmas Party recently and I said, “I thought that you said, ‘no more potlucks?'” She explained it was mostly outside our group, and then I learned that it was for an elite group within our group. I just said, “Gotcha. It was for people who you care about.” Lesbians can be incredibly exclusive. It makes everything difficult with dating for sure. Lunch was only slightly awkward, but the friend of the cardiologist who I’d met before at a beer garden happy hour and I talked a bit, and I finished her hashbrowns. I noted that I liked them both.

I talked a bit with Vegan. She’s a really good skier so on the downhills on the groomed snowshoeing trail, she got some speed and went down fast. I was talking with the cardiologist and her friend again, and helped the cardiologist get into her cross country skis by pushing the side of my gigantic snowshoe into the front of her ski and she got clipped in. (My snowshoes were given to me by my ex who just got a liver transplant, and she’s a hair under 6′, so they’re really too big for me, but I’m a minimalist amd won’t buy new snowshoes.) However, there was massive ice on the road between the trails, so the cardiologist fell and had to go back. Our group met up with them again on the downhill and I told the group, “I’m going back up with them because I drove all the way up here, and have barely hiked!” The cardiologist was faring much better in snowshoes! Great conversation and connection. I just love the cardiologist and her friend.

We got down to the bottom and were hanging out in a group–Vegan was gone because she had another obligation–and I told them about karaoke a couple of Thursdays ago. The host said that would be our next thing. It will be cool. I explained that things happen there like me kissing 30-year-old women so we need to keep things on the dl. Social butterfly was in costume and her snowshoes still, but everyone else was loosening up and getting beer samples. Then the cardiologist and her friend and I caravanned back to their hotel and spa and went to dinner. We had a wonderful time. I’ll make sure that I see them as often as they can make time to meet up with me. They included me and were genuinely interested in me. I had such a wonderful time yesterday and feel encouraged–so grateful that I’m even dealing with losing an hour this morning!

by

Pins, Young Ladies and Facing the Music

I have taken off my homemade splint. The top pinky joint was broken, and the second joint dislocated. It’s going to take some time. I am using a hand strengthening ball at work when I’m talking to clients. I bowled without it, and in my third and final game I got my new approach down and bowled 152. I’ll take it. My other games were bad though so my average was only 115. We have made a small spare dance and also a bowing with crossed arms for strikes. It’s a hoot.

I have a gay bf. His name is Owen. We love each other. We talked again last night. He makes mannequins and is tall, gentle and sweet. He moves to OH with his soon-to-be-husband soon. The ladies on the lane next to us were cute and I think in their 20s. We’ll play them soon. Super fun.

I’m snowshoeing with my lady doctorate peeps. I have to face the medical school director and the neuroscientist on Saturday. It’s all good. Calm and cool. Time to shower and bike to work!

by

First Day

I have a picture of him with his tiny fist pumping in the air, jumping off the stairs from the front of his school where he attended a full-day early childhood education program–like pre-kindergarten. Today is the first of 47-days. He is no longer a hobbit-sized tow-headed Energizer Bunny. He stood in his egress window smoking cigarettes on Sunday night until I woke up. He always shuts down and says, “Send me back to my Dad.” It took about an hour on Sunday night and he finally shifted. He said that he was petting our tortie in the basement and saw the shelf with all the books that I used to read him and teared up. He and I could go to family therapy twice a week. He doesn’t have an off-cycle. He’s defiant and often very rude. I just want him to finish high school. He hates it and needs to be done. Today feels like my first day too.

The climber did get sick. I don’t know if she has COVID. The nice guy who also commutes once a week with us does. I was disappointed to not get her all to myself in the car. That could only happen now in the afternoon one day or possibly May 22nd through early June. However, I must note that she said that we need to go back to our climbing spot two-weeks ago and directly invited me to the indoor ice climbing gym last Monday. She sent me pictures of her in a crack way up some giant sandstone formation and a sunset picture on Sunday when I sent her a small text re: I’ll pick you up and text when I leave my house at 7:20. We seem good. I want a get together though.

Vegan texted me yesterday. It said that she hoped that my week was off to a great start and that it was wonderful meeting up on Friday and having the introduction to Green Goddess dressing. I texted back that when she heals, I want to climb with her. She is accepting and will be a good climbing partner–just can’t kiss or hug her.

I’m not going to ever text GA again. If she comes to my city, I hope that she gets ahold of me. I would call her if my partner-in-prowl and I do a workshop in GA, but that’s it. I’ll get tall redhead’s number if I ever see her again. I’m excited for guitar class tonight. Spring is on it’s way; although it’s cold as shit. Today could mark the first day of the rest of my life.

by

The Joys of Parenting

My wife and I had gotten married in NM where it was legal. One of her sisters was pregnant at the time. She and I had toyed with her carrying a baby that we would be parenting together. You know: give my son a sibling. We all stayed in a huge condo together in NM and cooked meals together and the like. Listening to her sister and her husband romanticize and frankly, idealize and fantasize about parenting propelled me into talking through what parenting is with my wife on the 5-hour drive home. We decided not to have kids.

I’ve worked 72-81 hours a week lots of weeks. I’m actually a workhorse. People call me that. Working is really easy, and I am able to do a lot of it. Parenting involves active and psychic burdens daily. Sometimes hourly. Is he going to vape in the bathroom on this co-located campus with younger students? Is he going to get distracted and avoid class and work that he has to complete for graduation? Who knows?

I’m sure that some people have kids who go to class, work, and do chores. I’m sure that exists. I can imagine that there are those who do not actively defy just like breathing in and out. That hasn’t been my experience. He actually tried to bust out of my womb when he was 8-months in utero. I have permanent scars around my ribcage that look like blue lines wherein he would push his feet anytime I was sitting.

The other hand has a finger beckoning you to come closer so that the teenager can push you away
by

No chemistry

My initial impressions were correct. I like Vegan. She’s so cool. She’s full of forgiveness and acceptance. I can’t kiss Vegan and I didn’t hug her. She hugged me though. I stepped on the toe of her boot and put my leg back.

When I was making out with the climber in October–the very first time that we did–we did all kinds of kissing and such. It lasted over 3.5-hours. We had paused and I was running the tips of my fingers up her back and down the sides of her face. She asked me to do that more. I asked her, “I wonder why our teeth never hit?’ She said, “I think when we’re both riding skateboards, kissing while going down a hill, they will.” We both laughed, and kissed more. Chemistry is a real thing and you’ll never be able to get reductive and analyze all the factors behind it. She and I have it. Indoor ice climbing would have been very fun on Monday night. Damn pinky! All that being said, the nice guy got COVID and is out until Wednesday. I’m making making the climber coffee and bringing her milk and sugar. Just us in the car if it all works out!

Vegan and I talked about our marriages. It’s helpful to have her as a friend. Her marriage petered out. Mine was fraught with unpredictability wherein she’d move out or quit jobs.

My wife was like a beautiful and less violent version of my Dad. I have to be completely honest with myself that is either: 1) normal for me, or something that 2) I’m attracted to. I know that my ex-wife is beautiful. She’s tall and has a killer body. She lives 12-hours away with her mother and I don’t have to see her. I would have a lot of trouble when she’s in a normal mood cycle not touching her. Her shirt rode up the last time that we truly spoke in June and I ran my fingers lightly up her back over her incredibly faded tattoo of a character from “Moondreamers.” Not cool. We’d filed three-weeks earlier. Chemistry is real.

Regarding other redheads… If I run into the 5’9″ one again, I’ll kiss her. She seemed pretty cool. She goes out in a group with her friends occasionally.

I’m looking for partners and liaisons. The former would need to be women who are those with whom I have intimacy, and the latter would be those with whom I hang out with and don’t get completely naked. I can add some friends too.

by

Nice three days

I drove my son to work Saturday–he didn’t want to practice driving and I don’t want to make anything into something. I watched his game and we worked out together on different weight machines. I also called my aunt right before he started coaching. It was nice to catch up with her. My son’s team learned a ton and played great. I took a picture and sent it to my aunt. It was his last day of his basketball season, and next he coaches soccer. After weights, I took him to a local guitar shop and messed around on an acoustic guitar while he played a black EVH. He wants it for graduation. I’ll have to have his Dad contribute to it and I told him when he moves out that he has to keep it locked up. He and I walked around the park and talked. I took another long walk that night.

Sunday was book club. I don’t know why I had so much trouble with the murder in “Under the Banner of Heaven.” I didn’t even flinch with the depictions in “Killer Clown” or “Lost Girls,” but I think that the cold realism of Krakauer who I love made the murder of the toddler and mother something that I couldn’t read. I love the author. I’ve read, “Into Thin Air,” “Into the Wild,” “Rape and the Justice System in a College Town” and am now reading his book of essays. I liked all the history in “Under the Banner of Heaven” and our good discussion–just couldn’t read the murder parts. My son and I took another even longer walk Sunday; although, it was really windy. I got my mail shredded and all my laundry done and actually put away.

Today the super nice guy from work texted me early and said his girlfriend was dropping him off at 7:20. I asked if she was ok meeting me, because I want to meet her. When I went out there to meet her, the climber was in the back. I was surprised. The guy’s girlfriend has great energy. It was so nice to meet her. When the climber got out, she looked super hot. I said, “You look nice, _____.” The guy said, “You look great and professional.” She said, “The jacket is really to cover up the back of this shirt that has a design that I screen printed for a a burning man.” She sat up front. We all had balanced and good conversation on the way in. When we got there the climber said, “I think that we should all hang out in the car for the next eight minutes because we’re not contracted until 8.” I said, “That sounds like we’re doing drugs.” She laughed and said that it did. She said that she was going to lay on her desk for eight-minutes, which raised my eyebrows.

I signed in second, and she stroked my back and said, “You’re going to sign in today?” I said, “Yes, are you going to lay on your desk?” She cracked up. However, when I went into her office she got out behind her desk and laid on two tables in her room and bent her head back to talk to me. I sucked in my breath and said, “You’re terrible!” She said, “Thank you.” I adjourned and was definitely turned on. I worked and so did she. At the end of the work day I was zipping up everything, getting my things and she laid on the nice guy’s tables. I looked away and kept focused so I wouldn’t leave anything. When I exited my office she had left and was back in her office. We all left together. We all had a great and connected conversation on the way home. I looked west and said, “The mountains are beautiful.” She said, “Let’s all drive there.” The nice guy said, “Drop me home first.” Good vibes and conversation on the way home. I have cardio with my son Mondays and she was going to use her kiln and then go to the ice climbing gym.

I was so excited when her car wasn’t at his house. She said, “It’s only two blocks, but I’m getting up front.” I said, “You should! I feel like your Mom with just you back there and if I’d had a kid when I was 11-years, three-months and twenty-eight-days-old that would be a huge problem on many levels.” I think that she was going to pick up my hand when we got up the street. I told her that I couldn’t believe that she laid on tables and that she should warn me when she is going to do something that sexy at work! She said it was my fault for bringing it up again and I said, “To be fair you asked if I was signing in and then I followed up with that, but touché, you definitely won and nailed it.” She said, “Come ice climbing. That’s a workout.” I said, “As soon as my pinky heals, I would love to.” She picked up my hand and kissed my pinky. When she got out I unbuckled my seatbelt and said, “I’m hugging you.” I held my breath. She got out and winked at me. I would venture that she has served the ball from her court!

by

Keepin’ on

I biked about 10-miles and some change on Sunday. I went to a very small lake in a park in our city and laid down. Before I did that I sent GA a text. Her name isn’t Georgia, but she lives there. I just don’t want to call her Rugby although she played it in college because that evokes a certain look and she’s really feminine. In fact, she’s the most feminine woman who has ever kissed me. I would’ve thought that she was straight actually. I laid down on the other side of a drainage ditch about 20-feet from the lake and closed my eyes. On the dormant grass I was in a windbreak, but it was roaring. I could only hear the seagulls calling and with the high wind it was like the ocean. I laid there for 10-minutes with the sun on my face. Gorgeous.

GA and I texted all afternoon into early evening. It was Q & A and really nice. It definitely cut the loneliness. On Thursday, Vegan texted me and asked if I could go to the restaurant with her. I’d told her that it had the best Green Goddess dressing that I had ever had when we had lunch two weeks ago. We had such a good time at lunch. We have dinner next Friday. I’m looking forward to it. I might like her. I’m not sure.

Today I was waiting for the nice guy from work to show up for our commute. I’m going with him and his girlfriend to karaoke next Thursday. I texted him that it was no rush, but I was wondering and he said minutes later that the climber had just picked him up. They finally got to my house and we went to work. She sat in the back, and was pleasant and more open than she’d been last Monday.

I worked and was doing massive amounts of paperwork and finally went to warm up part of my lunch. I didn’t want to go back to my office. I’ve been so lonely. I peeked into her office and said, “Are you busy?” She said she wasn’t. I said, “I don’t want to eat alone, may I eat in your office?” She said that I could. We had a really nice conversation. She laughed a lot, blushed a little and I found out that although she nor her ex are neither satisfied with the terms that mediation is done and she’s glad it’s over. She also said it’s getting warmer so we need to go back to the spot where we climbed in October. It was a nice ride home and I told her commuting partner that she was getting shotgun. We all chatted and joked and such. Balanced car trip back to my driveway where her car was parked, and then we all said, “See you Monday.” It was so much nicer than it’s been.

I’m going to send GA a picture of me tomorrow. The one that I’d sent her with my fall kickball team is ok, but I look too skinny, so I’m sending one tomorrow. I’ll watch my son’s team play and then lift weights and my son can get a good picture of me. I would love to see her again. It would be possible at the end of next month, but I’m being calm and cool.

I was pretty sad this week given the injury. I can type now, but I can still feel where the fracture is. It’s also very purple at the top joint. I have to bowl on Wednesday, so I’ll have to get creative with taping or really bandage it. I decided to play kickball on the old league and bowl for this gay league. I think that’s the safest sports with young, huge men.

I guess these girls don’t look masculine. One could be GA before she puts on her makeup and fixes her hair.
by

Broken

Not my heart, but my pinky. I thought that I had jammed it because I was holding a ball when a shot was near my head so I blocked it with the ball that I was holding. It really hurt, but I could bend both joints. I couldn’t play though and our team manager got pissed. It was Super Bowl Sunday and we didn’t have a full team. I was sorry that we were at a disadvantage, but couldn’t use my right hand well. We lost. She was pretty nasty to me. She’s a little weird anyway and sneers, but she was visibly mad about my hand.

The next day after my shower it was zombie colored. I knew that it was broken. I showed the climber and her commuting partner. They were in my car. I don’t have a good read on the climber anymore. She’s not cold, but definitely not effusive any longer. I don’t want details and didn’t give her or her commuting partner who I drove to work any information about my Poly-Cougar kissing episode at the bar on Friday. I’ll drive them next Friday and will have to see if they like riding with me when my son is in the car because I’ll have to give him a lift once a week when I drive. I dropped her off at her house and she said, “Bye.” I don’t know. I also don’t chase. I’ll just see what the next month or so involves.

Conversation was pretty dominated by her commuting partner on the way in and then she asked me a question about my son that was open-ended on the ride home. I have been encouraged by his openness and attitude lately so I told her and him about my hopefulness. She talks more in describing adventures in the car, and frankly lately. I don’t even know how mediation with her ex for the house has been going. I guess that I don’t feel close with her. I can be open, but she seems maybe a little guarded. I’m not going to give energy to thinking about why, and will drive them both next Friday if they want to save gas and be green.

I got a popsicle stick from work and waterproof tape and have my finger splinted. I have been toggling over with my ring finger to type, but shifting is very awkward and slow. It’s ok because the pinky is easiest. It’s just the shifting thing that is super slow. It could be much worse.

I probably won’t get to play in our last couple of dodgeball games. I’m only going to play kickball for this league. I don’t want to be around the team manager who is a varsity dodgeball player. I may go back to the other league anyway because I don’t have to play on a gay league. I had fun last summer. There was a woman who gave me wine and she was friends with a lesbian married couple on that league, so I can probably still meet woman in the other league.

I had so much fun in guitar class last night! The teacher is a nut and I’m honing my skills. I’m going to play a song at open mic at the bar. I would like to get the strumming pattern for “Little Bit of Love” down completely and do a sing-a-long. I’m going to practice all weekend. I have my grief group for the loss of my parents tonight, which always helps. My colleague who almost died is going too. Life is pretty good right now.

It’s snowy and pretty today. Since Saturday I’ve biked 24-miles, so with biking everyday Friday through Tuesday, I ought to get to at least 50. I won’t bike today, but maybe I can bike to work on Thursday. I can do that with a broken, splinted pinky!

by

Feeling really good

My son’s best friend since probably about 4th grade was here last night. I was so peopled out that I had to escape: wash my car, find the cat litter that is difficult to find, get some vegetables, etc. because I didn’t want to catch up with his Mom for an hour or sometimes more. She had her daughter at 17, and so she’s much younger than I am. We don’t have a thing in common. Actually, now that I think about it, she’s probably the same age as the climber. I didn’t want to talk though because I talked with people all week. Originally, my son’s best friend was going to come and go. I thought that he was driving and he is licensed; although my own son is three-months older than he is, but his Mom didn’t want him driving so far. His family moved counties when my son was in 6th grade and he’s known him since 1st. They were laughing and my son was showing him the guitar that I rented for my son and they were having a great time. Hearing my son laugh was so great. I can make him laugh a little, but he’s not generous with laughter. I know it’s part of the depression that he deals with as well. His best friend stayed the night. I made southern chicken sandwiches, sweet potato fries and a monstrous salad. I left it out and will eat it tonight before dodgeball.

I also got three rounds of rapid eye movement. I can remember three rounds of dreams. I feel so, so good. It also was nice on Friday night to get hit on. And not by a man! By a super young, blond, blue-eyed, very feminine, ex-Rugby player with a slight southern accent. Fun. I actually looked terrible Friday night and didn’t have on one bit of makeup. I also never would have approached her to talk, because I was just chillin’ in the gay bar, which is something that I like to do. I’ve known the owner for 15-years and talked to her as well. It’s where I prowl with my friend.

Speaking of which, I need to work through more modules to update one of my trainings. It’s probably 5-10 hours of content. I’m motivated to do it though because the particular training is such a good one. These other two workshops can be a little dry. I need to really get familiar with the content so I can bring my charm. I can’t dance. However, I would say that I’m one of the best public speakers period. My partner-in-prowl has done these workshops probably more than I have. I’ve probably given about 3-6 times via the one that I’ve been endorsed in for the last 8-years, and have given close to 20 in the one that I like. During convention, I got a new one and am a virgin for it. It’s actually called “Provisional.” We should look for places to train in which there is hiking and pretty women.

That’s it! I just feel so good and hopeful. I know that I’m going to meet lots of new women.

I was surprised not to meet any at the convention, but the one night that a vendor had drinks and food was the one in which our old friend had chosen for a dinner out. It’s ok, she lives in CA now where she was born and without her I’d never have met my best friend. I also was intrigued by the best flatiron steak I’ve ever had. I have a couple, so I’m going to read a bunch of tips before I cook it. I make good steak, but this one was like butter. I need to look up some tips before I make my own. I just thought that the convention would be a good place to meet women, but it was more a time for reconnecting with students whom I’ve taught.

I took a 10-mile bike ride yesterday because it was 63-degrees. There is still a lot of ice on trails, but my bike to work route is nearly clear. I can do it in rush hour and will do it Tuesday through Thursday. I feel like I want to bike 30-miles a week to make up for all the commuting that I missed from snow-poc-alypse. I love cycling and tooling around on my bike.

I don’t work Friday or Monday. Friday I’ll have to deal with my parent’s estate and we do have family therapy. I want to talk about goals and rewards for doing work and connecting with teachers rather than leaving campus at lunch and getting high in the parking lot. I texted his godparents to help me. I didn’t want to be a downer during our climbing class in January, so they didn’t know that he dropped out. I wish my son’s Dad was a little more inspiring for my son. It was odd, but my son said last week, “I’d never marry a woman like you. It would be like marrying myself and I would be so angry all the time.” It’s odd because I don’t think that we’re similar. I’m super active and hardworking. I’m not sure what he meant. I’m going to ask what he meant in family therapy. As I was finishing this entry, his godparents were texting me back and they’re going to support me and him. I’m a lucky person.

by

Asked for a kiss

I only worked on Monday this week, which was good given a crisis that happened the week before. I didn’t talk to or look at the climber. I came in early, set up an incredible breakfast, and worked. I was walking a client down the hall to my office mid-morning and she was talking with one of our colleagues and I kept talking with my client, and honestly didn’t notice who she was actually speaking with in the hallway. I had to walk past her office several times all day, but didn’t look in, linger and walked my typical super fast pace. (I get a lot of shit about how fast I walk.) At the end of the day, she came into the front room in my office and then into mine and we chatted. I said, “I didn’t see you today, but knew you were at work.” She said, “I saw you in passing several times.” She also complimented the food. I told her, “I’ve cooked for you before. We need to be honest about that.” She told me that I’m good at everything. I don’t even know what that means. We haven’t had sex. I can’t dance.

I had forgotten some materials for one of our clients and told her commuting partner that I would bring it by his house and didn’t know what time. I made it home, got it, and then went to his house when they were driving up. I joked with him to catch it. I told him I was kidding because it’s very heavy and then walked to my car and started getting in. The climber said something that I couldn’t hear so I walked to her car. She said, “_____ and I were talking and said that we should all commute together.” I said, “That probably wouldn’t work because they have me go to client homes sometimes,” and she said, “As long as you were back at the end of the day, that would be fine.” I said, “There’s a liability with driving someone else’s car.” She said, “Maybe you could drive us?” I texted her the next day that I would drive them. I didn’t hear back so I texted her commuting partner that _____ had mentioned when I was leaving his house us all commuting together. If they were there at 7:20, parked on the side of my driveway, I would drive. He hearted the text. We’ll see. I don’t really care either way. If I was in the car with the climber, it would be nice for us to be alone. Her commuting partner is a super nice guy though.

I was away from my house for hours all week, but only had to get up incredibly early on Tuesday. The convention was wonderful. I saw so many former students. They are all over the nation and it was amazing to see them. I also saw a couple of colleagues who I had not seen in years. I went to the corporate party and had a complete blast and then when I left at 11:30 the next train was due to come at 4:18. I walked 4-miles through not the best neighborhoods and finally hailed down a bus amidst construction barrels, plastic fencing and missing streets. The bus driver told me that at the central station that the next train would be there now. Nine-minutes later nothing, which is what my Google Maps said for the next train. It kept getting pushed back for the ETA. About 20-minutes into my wait it said it would be there at 2:24. I downloaded Lyft, got to my Park N Ride and went to bed a bit after 1:30. Yikes. The entire convention was excellent. I learned a ton and have a new endorsement for trainings. The woman who I prowl with and I will have to start some marketing. She and I can train in the same three trainings. I should go to GA. More on that 😉

I went to lunch today with the Vegan. I can’t call her Angry Vegan anymore because 1) I had fun, and 2) We had wonderful conversation. We’re going to go to a favorite spot of mine for veggies and the best Green Goddess dressing that I’ve ever had. She is still pretty injured, but we will climb together eventually. It was really nice.

I taught tonight and barely got home in time to do it from home. I was craving Mexican food so I went downtown to eat and then dragged myself to the bar. I watched the Celtics game at the restaurant, but the bar owner doesn’t pay for the NBA channel so I had to watch a repeat game: Cavs and Pelicans. I slowly drank a beer. After standup was over, I was able to move to the other side of the bar. I had asked a woman who was with her girlfriend if it was ok that I put my jacket on the chair next to her as I was standing at the bar and she said “of course.” Super nice girl. When I was moving to the other side of the bar after standup was over I retrieved my jacket and she chatted with me and was kind. She said, “I’ll hopefully talk with you more later.” I said that I’d like that.

She and I chatted a bunch. She asked me my sign and said, “I’m always attracted to Virgos.” We talked for a long time. She’s 30!!!!!!! I told her, “I could be your mother!” She said, “Just barely.” Flattering nonetheless. She’s from Atlanta and here for a vacation and the girlfriend is her ex. When the latter was back, I made myself scarce, went to close out my tab and said goodbye. Then I said, “Give me a hug.” We embraced. When I told her that it was nice to meet her and that I was sorry not to take her to lunch she said, “Can I have a kiss?” It was quick. I hugged her again and said, “Let’s have one more kiss,” and really kissed her longer. Nice. Should a 48-year-old person kiss a 30-year-old?!? Who cares.

by

More loose ends

I process things pretty slow. I’m also long-suffering. Those qualities do not make for a good match in exclusive partnership. Anyway, as I write all of the time as I’ve been doing since last November these features have made me want independence, and to love and enjoy others in specific places and times. I won’t live with someone again until I am in my 80s and need some help from someone younger who I pay with whom I have a business relationship. I will not remarry. I think that monogamy works for a handful of people. I have not been exposed to a marriage that I thought was working for both people in my sphere. I know that they exist, but it always seems like massive sacrifices are made by one person more than the other when I know both people. That is where I am.

I had talked to my ex who is dying slowly on January 21st and was on car adapter through speakers with her and her wife. The conversation was bizarre. It spanned medical procedures and the new cars that they’re thinking about buying. It made sense finally to me why she reconciled with her wife. I guess she was broadcasting their business on Facebook, and talking about their fights and possible divorce. I don’t get on Facebook unless someone tells me that I have to log in: eg. pickleball dues or a post that they need me to address. Didn’t ask how I was. Didn’t inquire about my son who she always says that she adores. I get she’s on a transplant list. I knew all the stuff that had happened via text when I donated to her Go Fund Me. I don’t like cars. I bought a sport utility vehicle in 2008 and still drive it. It was two-years-old. I repair it and put parts in it. I’m not going to hustle down there. I’ll go see them when it’s necessary.

I have a sinus infection. I guess what is going around is bacterial. I’m NOT getting antibiotics. Work was difficult, but definitely not impossible. And then I bought everything and took it for the first time last night, and I slept through the night except to blow my noise once and my throat is good. One night of vitamins and such. I always have Kickass Immune and EmergenC, and still have a little bit of the Chinese herbs that my ex-mother-in-law used to send, but I needed to add these until I felt cessation in sinus pressure and a sore throat:

I COVID tested negative–again–why don’t I get COVID? I have to be careful with zinc. It sends to nauseate me or make me throw up. I think that the sources on the left were more water soluble so it was fine. I also made mushroom risotto, chicken cutlets with panko and kale chips in the oven last night, so I was pretty full when I took these zinc.

I didn’t see the photographer at the art performance. She texted me the next day and said that she was texting with the woman who I was able to sit with–and her boyfriend and a lesbian couple. She said that she was sad not to run into me. So, I’ve texted with her a little bit about the sale of house this summer. I don’t actually want to hike or cycle with her. I want a professional relationship. I saw a few pictures of her recently and didn’t find her attractive. At the beginning of April, we’ll do a walkthrough pending the late afternoon that works for the tenants who pay bills there. I’m not hugging her and will bring my son if I can make it work with his schedule. He’s a good buffer. He’s also very good looking, so he distracts people.

He’s going back to high school. Not his high school, but one in which he can blend online and in person classes. He told me last night that he wants mostly in person classes. I don’t care, and am glad he’ll have a diploma instead of a GED. There still is some stigma. In his case, it’s truly being lazy. I have to hire a driver. Uber and Lyft have too broad a window, and I want him to be on time. He can take the city bus home. His Dad can take him once a week, and I can take him once a week. Hopefully, it won’t be as expensive as his out-of-pocket therapy that ended a week ago was. He has to go to school nine weeks only–not a year-and-a-half. They’ll get his schedule done on Monday. His personal essay for the application said that in 6th grade the friends that he had controlled him rather than knew him, and that COVID killed all his motivation for school. I wonder who else has a student like my son?

I have to study today and also read. I have a training of trainers event on Tuesday and Wednesday and work on Monday and have convention things all day on Thursday and Friday. There is a corporate sponsored party on Tuesday night as well. Maybe I should have my son stay at our house and I should stay in the hotel with an old friend? No, I won’t sleep well and that seems a little bit 20-something. Regardless, I’m excited for the convention.

by

Quickie

Nope.

I had a ton of fun at dodgeball. I did get hit in the butt, and it stung! Then, I got hit the face, which was really sucky. Then I saw my fifth penis. Yikes. I went outside and changed into a long sleeved shirt in my car and realized that I’d left my water bottle on the court. It’s so, so cold, so that much in and out of cars and buildings made me have to pee, and I went to do that and the ref was peeing. Embarrassing. Terrifying.

I went to the cowboy bear bar and talked with a woman on the opposing team. It was so cool because I worked at her school in 2009! She’s like a success story. She got out of a terrible neighborhood, was never parented and really raised her brother. We had a great talk, and her teammates were very cool. I don’t have many gay guy friends because sometimes they act strangely effeminate which strikes me as disingenuous or they get loaded and feel you up. Then they say that they just like breasts and aren’t into you. I don’t like that. No problem on Sunday night though and I had fun. Our team manager actively flirts with me. She is a good hugger. She is really overweight and a child though, so definitely not a love interest.

I told my other colleague who does a similar job to me that I keep getting hit on by men when I ate lunch with her yesterday. That was much of the night when we had to move venues Saturday for our prowl. She told me that I should basically switch hit. I said that I have only ever seen 5 penises and love men, and it’s not a sexual thing for me. I don’t think that she understands, which is fine.

I think that the climber has missed over three-days of work. She really hasn’t worked a ton in January. She must be hot and heavy with a new partner. I know that she doesn’t sleep much. Again, I wouldn’t have gone out of my way to interact with her yesterday anyway, but it’s odd how she was gone an extra day for her birthday weekend, we didn’t work mid-week that week anyway, and then missed Thursday, Friday and Monday. If she’s now sick, that is really sick. When I was in my twenties, I used to get sick and missed work. I’ve rarely missed any work at all in the last 8-years. My immune system is really good too. I attribute much of that to this:

I also take a multivitamin and 4300 grams daily of high grade fish oil. I think those are my sweet spot. Did you know that fungus covers our earth? Taking an immune enhancing mushroom blend is honestly helpful. Watch this TED talk if you’re incredulous:

Blew my mind.

I don’t miss work, because I don’t get sick. I’ve never had COVID although I’ve had super direct exposure. I like good food, sleep and exercise too, which likely helps. I’m getting so excited to meet women next week and be away from work. I’m going to cook on Sunday afternoon and bring food to work on Monday to thank staff for actively screening kids for mental health problems that we can address. It will be a nice way to kick off my week next week, and then it’s four-days of convention! Woo-hoo.

by

Writing helps

I know that I had written that I read “Opening Up.” Through writing and also processing some trauma, people experienced alleviation of symptoms according to the professor and researcher. Now when we work with people we teach them a ton of mindfulness, relaxation, and sometimes biofeedback before we process anything significant. The exception is when you have someone come in your office in an acute stress state or fully panicked and then you ground them fairly directedly, and allow them enough time and space to tell the whole story. You can also have them rate how it feels to tell it with totally freaked “10” and calm “1.” You can have them tell the story a few times too to hopefully desensitize the heightened emotional state. I have life circumstances that are in a low state of stress all the time, so I just have to ventilate a little. I talk a bit about stress and write way more.

Last night my colleague who almost died was talking to me about work and when we got to my son’s best friend’s house, I hung up the call. I called her last night while I was lifting weights. She’s a mess. I think that three-years ago her own stuff got really flared up when a client of ours was murdered. It was grisly and all over the news too. Her father had chosen to come to her house to die just a year prior, and the man who raised her just died of cancer. Way, way, way too much. That’s why she was suicidal. I told her, “______, I am your solid friend. I’m pretty basic (I didn’t explain that it wasn’t in the white Adidas, yoga pants, carrying a Hydroflask way because she’s a Gen X’er too–actually I’m 6-weeks older than her.), and never do anything weird. You can count on me to always be the same.” She stopped crying eventually and calmed down. Hopefully, she slept ok.

After my brother was killed and I was in the hospital, my mother had fielded all kinds of phone calls and read letters from 8th grade kids who were my “best friend.” I know that the woman who I prowl with once monthly also calls me her “best friend.” My ex-wife always told me that I’m so much of a better friend than a partner. It’s all pretty interesting to me.

Even the climber said, “Have you always been this confident?” I told her no, and especially was not in my thirties. That’s true. I used to try to hard. I can read my writing from 2011 – 2013 and see all kinds of over extensions and frankly silly shit that I used to do. Glad it’s over and likely has come with age. Speaking of which, I put it out there that I’m still wickedly attracted to her on Monday with talking about the blue hue match of her eyes to her sweater, and that she has a memory of me in my underwear. Because she’s busy, and likely it’s with new partners, I’m going to just work with her a bit and say “Hi,” if our paths cross in the hall or copy room. Otherwise, I’m not going to initiate a conversation with her again. That’s more firm than my simply saying that I won’t ask her out. Come to me if you’d like, as you know where to find me.

I’ll see the photographer on Friday. I really hope that she just says, “Hello,” and catches up with me. I don’t want to hug her or do anything which involves a mixed message. We all have an art demo and music performance from my best friend’s singing partner. My best friend gets back from a month in Asia next week. She won’t be at the museum for this artistic experience. My Boss will at about 7 or 7:30, and she was shocked that I don’t have a date. I told her that I don’t chase. And, again, she said, “Wow. That is impressive.” I guess confidence is sometimes attractive and other times surprising.

I think that in entries from 10-years ago I talked about next year starting my easy part of life. A Vedic Astrologer told me that during a 2.5-hour reading that I paid for. I also had my friend who is coming in two weeks for convention do a distance reading through her mother probably 12-years ago. She told my friend that I wasn’t through the difficult part of my life. I think that Dad dying in 2020, Mom dying in 2021, my divorce in 2022 and my son dropping out this year are all trying. I think, too, that these circumstances have been helpful. Writing about them has made them more easy to process.

by

Saturday

I took a class on the artificial wall again, and we used ice tools. Imagine a slanted hammer with a handle, and also some edges half up it and a movable leather loop. There isn’t a loyalty free simulated ice tool available so I drew it for you here and you must imagine trying to find ledge pieces on an artificial wall from which you attach the leather instead of using your hands. That meant that when I slung it onto a ledge piece on the wall and then stepped up and threw it to another piece I fell. Not gracefully. Boom. Hit my back, flail off and away. Simulated ice tools. Real fun.

I have drawn the simulated ice tool for you to view using the Paint App–you’re welcome

I had a ton of fun though. The instructor was the same main guy from the class that I took late summer and told the climber about. That means that since I’ve healed from my injuries, I have now had the same instructor for the same class and then this class with simulated ice tools from one of the instructors from the first outdoor class ever. When I retake his day and a half class this spring, I shall have come full circle. I should do well, and still want to try to climb weekly if possible. I like it and will likely get better. Just don’t know about simulated ice tools at this stage for me.

There were eventually three other students. I spent about an hour and half climbing and stayed there for 2.5 hours. The instructor is also a dancer and has mutual friends within the dance community with the climber. Small scene: dancing climbers. I told the instructor that she was my colleague and she is. I’ve just had three make-outs with this particular colleague.

I also redid my highlights and they’re legitimately red now and did two haircuts. Yes, two. Getting the undercut the way that I wanted it was a tall order. I’ll include a loyalty-free picture here for you of an undercut.

I have salt and pepper hair though

My new-to-me-salon-cosmetologist doesn’t have a barber’s license, so I had to go elsewhere to get my mountains. I have mountains in my undercut because I went to a Barber Shop and two guys worked on my mountains in the back of my hair in my undercut. The back of my hair is mostly dark brown while the front is pretty gray these days. I’ve actually been noticeably gray since 26, and my ex-wife “encouraged” me to go gray during COVID. The word is loose as it was more like, “I can’t believe that every three weeks you put plastic into the environment and rinse all that toxic shit down the drain. You have to dye it outside, because it’s giving me hives. Gray hair is sexy. You’re so rigid.” It’s highlighted now anyway and has been for two-months, and with the undercut, I think that I look badass.

I am fair to midland. I am super excited for dodgeball league that starts tomorrow night. Hopefully, it will be super social and improve my mood. Talking on the artificial wall today and to three different hair professionals was also fun.

On Thursday, I went to the bar and sat down at the bar. A girl asked to sit with me. She was cool and kind so I bought her GIGANTIC shot of Patron. I thought that she was Gen Z and she thought that was hilarious. I think that there are child millennials and just on the edge of Gen X millennials. She was on the child side. She wanted to buy me a drink and I declined. Anyone who reminds me of my son cannot buy me a drink. I owned “Hit me with Your Best Shot,” and then took myself out to sushi. It was fun.

I brought home takeout after my haircut and another errand. I am playing fortune cookie love life. Here is my closing:

by

Landed

On Friday night I taught and was done at 7, and I was really hungry. My son had been at the music studio and he had met his ex-girlfriend there. I really like her. I don’t like them together. She has poor health in all facets, so I think that he was drawn to her because of my ex-wife honestly who was also in poor health all around. Anyway, we went to dinner. The kids told me that they want to get back together and I said, “That’s not a good idea. You should be good friends, and _______, if you want to break up with ____ you should talk to her. It’s likely impulse and it’s comfortable seeing ___ again.” They listened and considered all of it. Her mother met us there and we hugged and chatted. She invited my son and I to family karaoke.

I did my walk Saturday. My colleague who tried to kill herself called me and we we talked awhile. I played guitar, I sent the required paperwork to the Bank Manager for the house, and cooked a bit. I took my car to get detailed because I want it very clean when women who are new to me go places with me, and then although it’s still pretty icy, I biked 7-miles to go shopping. I got some dog food, new jeans and finally found a red t-shirt. Why is it difficult to get a red t-shirt?

When I got home, I had really rough conversation with my son and found out that he had only been to a few classes in the last two weeks. His Calculus teacher reached out to me via text. He said that if I gave him $2 a day, he’d go to all his classes, and that sounded like a cheap way for me to preserve some sanity for what I call my jail sentence. I have just over a-year-and-half left with him here. He has to move out when he turns 18.5. He has a move out day. Then my son left to his current girlfriend’s house for her father’s birthday party. I fed my pets and did a little cleaning and took them on a nice walk. While playing guitar, I got a text from my son that he was coming home.

He’s dropping out. I think that he’ll pass the GED in his sleep. He’s so good at math and a good writer, and will just need to work off the study guide for Science and Social Studies, but for the latter he passed an Advanced Placement exam two school years ago doing nothing. It’s not that he isn’t bright. He can’t navigate social dynamics and now can’t go to class at all. It’s definitely upsetting. Not what you want for your child either. He has to get another job and doesn’t drive, so he’ll have to bike or walk to work. His ex-girlfriend messaged his current girlfriend during the birthday party and a mess ensued. Doors slammed, awkward whispering, and he came home. Suffice to say, I had shitty sleep Saturday night and Sunday was difficult.

I talked with my colleague who tried to kill herself–she’s a single mother too. I got a text from the wife of my ex who is dying, and she had to get two units of blood on Saturday night and they can’t find the bleed. I’m buying tickets for the end of March to NC, and am hoping to see her with my son. That may not be the timing and I’m distraught about it. And I drove to the Rec Center and added 15-20 lbs more than I’d been using on the machines. I was still in a hideous mood and tried two friends, and it went to VM. I walked a bit over a mile and drank my recovery drink. When I got back to the car his girlfriend texted me that my son had a “family iPhone.” I was shocked. I called my colleague who tried to kill herself. As I was driving back to my house, I kept her call in the pocket of my jacket. I went to his room and said, “_______, ____ texted me and I need the iPhone that she gave you.”

At the time, I never thought in a million years that parents would undermine MY parenting and not talk to me regarding a smart device as they knew that the flip phone was a consequence. I kept my colleague on the phone. I went to their house, put the phone on the porch and took a picture which I sent to the girlfriend’s Dad and Stepmother. He texted, “Thank u.” Are you kidding me? My son’s on a flip phone and subscription separate GPS! On what planet do you give a child a phone who’s had a phone for 7-years and doesn’t get to have technology in his room? Why is that your decision? I woke up my son, said it all made a lot of sense why it’s been easy for me to collect his district-provided laptop and flip phone at night, because he’s never had to stop using text and social media messaging. And what’s worse is that other parents made that decision for me.

Although my mood was only slightly less hideous, it was then horrific. I was vile. My son asked if he should move out and I told him no, but whenever his Dad can have him overnight that he should. I just need space. Not that a 17-year-old understands interfering in other people’s parenting, and her parents apparently handed over the phone to him “so it would be easier for him to text their daughter.” I told him that they have bizarre boundaries, and it’s not his girlfriend’s fault, but I have no trust in them and he’s not permitted to date her ever again while living with me. I got a text from his ex-gf’s mom saying that she would include me in the next family karaoke, but her daughter hasn’t been feeling well all day and she’s not going out with her friends. I thanked her. I hope that I do hear from her again, as she’s cool and that sounds so fun. Just before 7, my son’s Dad picked him up. I was in a hideous mood still. So, I went to a new karaoke bar and put my name in and sang. People at this venue were really good, so my first song was mid. My second song was wonderful. Too bad what was derivative of that was two guys hitting on me and one trying to buy me drinks. I was polite and declined, but then didn’t wait for my next rotation. I just went home. I slept like a rock last night. I feel so good today. I’ve landed.

I’ll text the climber happy birthday. She apparently wasn’t at work on Friday, so I’ll text her that I hope that meant that she wasn’t sick, but was rather extending her plans to add a day. I don’t think that she’ll text back. She’s been bad about that as of late. However, I do me and I’m conscientious and wish people Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday. I don’t chase, and won’t ask her out again. We shall see. She’s sexy and incredibly fun. She lives with five people though and they dance all the time and also do elite outdoor adventuring. Admirable for sure, but not something that someone can just simply join into and I wouldn’t want to do so. I’m up for a sing-a-long if that ever happens.

I’m NOT texting or calling the Photographer. After we get back from NC I’ll send her an email calendar notice for late afternoon some early April day so that we can walk through the house. That’s it.

I’ve had this situation happen before wherein things fizzle and then I have new experiences. The main difference now is that I’m not looking for an exclusive thing. Case in point is these two situations. One could be my crazy adventurer, and the other could be my coffee and hiking / biking companion. I would love to add a third too. Like a woman to traipse around a museum and go to live venues for music. I have what I want dialed in and won’t compromise anything.

  1. Honesty
  2. Independence
  3. Boundary
  4. Kindness
  5. Love big and with no limit

by

Cheer Up

I can climb! Honestly, I really can now. I did mention in an entry over vacation that I got up a route, and last night I’d paid for a 2.5-hour class that I had taken in 2015 or 2016 and retook in August. I gifted two slots also for Christmas to my son’s godparents and we did the class together. I’m also waaaay faster than I had been. I used the same method: watch someone go up to a place where I got stuck and then I could do the whole route. I also encouraged my son’s godparents and another woman who took the class. I can belay the shit out of someone on an ATC, but that gris gris thing freaks me out. I do need to practice tying the knot because at the end, I lose where I’m tracing. Maybe tonight I can go to Army Surplus and cut four-feet of rope. Then I’ll run a video off of “Outside Plus” to follow with the last leg of the trace. I think that I’ll take another intro class at some gym around here so that I can learn that gris gris which is what’s used inside. An ATC gives you a repelling option and I find it intuitive, but I’ve only used the gris gris personally one time. However, I can climb and want to learn more and more. I kinda pressured them to join a gym so we can go in threes. That was so fun over vacation with my old work husband and his real wife. There isn’t any reason for me to join a gym, because I don’t have a partner to belay. I look forward to later spring and being outside again, and as soon as the guide comes out from our Rec Center, I’ll get signed up for the class again. I had an injury in May and was not in shape for the class really. The teacher at the indoor class last night said that he was shocked to see a familiar face. I told him that because I was healing from a torn hamstring and bruised meniscus, I needed to retake it. I got to the top of two routes and climbed five times total, and the knot is easier. Yay.

I have been semi-hideous. There is still so much ice in the bike lanes. I’ve not cycled to work for two-weeks. When you cycle a minimum of 16-miles every week and your last ride was on December 28th, it’s a shift for sure. My mood is hideous as I mentioned. However, climbing over an hour last night was super helpful. I have a community walk tomorrow morning for just me and the dogs because my son has work crew. Then on Sunday I’m going to ride to the Rec Center to get there by nine and do machines for upper body and come home. It’s going to snow again, and I need to avoid being hideous all winter. I have no idea how people survive in Chicago. I’d lose my fucking mind.

I asked the climber out to dinner. She’s busy all weekend with her household. Sucks. I’ll send her a birthday text on Monday and will see her next Friday. More calm and cool for me. I don’t chase and it will work out to hang when she initiates something. One relay of hearing three-days worth of plans is enough for me. I know though that we’ll do something at some point, but it can’t be a dance because I can’t dance, and she doesn’t have an indoor climbing gym membership nor do I. I’ll check on Sunday if the outdoor wall at the Rec Center has open climb times, and if I’m proficient with that damn figure 8 knot by Sunday, maybe that will work out sometime, but again, I am not asking her out again and will wait for her to ask me out.

I am over the legal hump with selling the house. I’m meeting up with the photographer in early April to do a walk through. I may have to put money into the house to sell it. I’m going to ask her opinion because she’s also a realtor. She said in text that she is still up for hanging out if I am, and I said that when it’s warm we should do a bike ride. She sent a wink and said that 50 degrees and above works for her. I’d NEVER text winks or hearts to her ever again, and so I said to ping me when it’s warm enough for a ride and she thanked me for reaching out. I’m NOT hugging her when I see her. I’m not a mixed-message person and she wants to be friends, and that’s what we are, but we’re not close friends because I’ve literally seen her twice. Twice is not for hugging. I will take her up a peak too. I need to get up a few of them in the summer and fall. I miss it. My son’s godmother and I can do those together. She is a good climber and is also a marathoner, so it’s feasible. I’ve known her 34-years.

I start a rec dodgeball league in just over a week. It would be amazing if there are some fit 40ish women on my team or other teams. The Conference is less than a month away and I’m networking like a mad woman there. I also am going to haunt the bars and do anything LGBTQ that the professional association hosts. I have to talk to my son’s Dad about limiting his alcohol intake all week so I can have a piece of mind for those four-days. My son has watched his Dad pass out too many times, and he’s troubled enough as it is without having to watch that. I’m going to have to talk to him in private and that is going to be awkward as fuck, but it has to be done before early February.

I am cheered up. Work has been trying, but I am in a good space. The climbing really helped me out. The walk and then the bike and gym day will too. I should mention also that I’m still practicing my guitar. I feel on track and dumped my hideous mood.

by

Pools

I went to work yesterday and was what has become my emotional and behavioral baseline which is a bit nervous, and altered into worry because she wasn’t there nor was her commuting partner. My work partner is back finally after, honestly, almost dying, so I went to her office for several minutes too.

I should probably tell that story. There is a chance that if I stuff it and don’t write about it that I’ll have weird dreams or parts will come out in conversation.

My son and I went touristy caving in August. It was a long, long drive. I’ve worked with one of my work partners for going on 6-years. She and I have never been super close, but we have a great working relationship. Her Dad got very sick last April and had to go to the Mayo Clinic. He had so many blood clots a the time. She hates driving. I don’t love it and don’t enjoy being in a car, but I’m a good driver. My son and I were having dinner with her in August and she said that she needed to see her Dad but couldn’t drive and my son said, “We’re going there in two-weeks and can take you,” and she was so grateful. The initial leg of our trip was way out of the way and on the way back we asked her to meet us near another highway to reduce time and mileage. It all worked out. However, her Dad died just under two-months later because he actually had fast-progressing cancer.

Then she became suicidal. She drank hard alcohol, didn’t drink water (You HAVE to drink water here because it’s so dry.) and stopped eating. I took her food and also dropped off food for her daughter. She kinda stopped parenting last fall. She came back to work and off leave and went promptly home after a couple of hours. Then she was drunk for our next several phone calls. Finally, I gave her an ultimatum. Go into rehab or I’m dispatching a welfare check. She was hospitalized for 6-days. She’s getting lots of bills. However, she’s alive. In a training that I lead one line that I learned is “I’d rather have you mad at me, than dead at me.” We’re friends now. So weird.

When I went out into the hall I saw the climber–so glad that she was at work–and said, “Happy New Year, _____,” and thought fuck it, so I hugged her close and tight in the hallway. Easy to get away with that stuff under the guise of 2023. So nice. A little later I said that I wanted to show her my tattoo. It is finally finished. It was done later in the month in 2013 and some on the top of my hips hurt like hell, so I never finished it. (That area hurt again too. Ribs are ok, and body fat is not on me.) We went back to my office and then four people were there. Of course they were. I’m going to ask her Monday if I can take her out to dinner for her birthday next Monday and then I can show it to her in my car or something. I just want to make plans for this month. She invited me to a community dance last night, and I just don’t feel confident about that yet. I need to get lessons squared away. She also said that I should do a sing along at her house sometime. I could go for that. I’m getting way better chording on this guitar that I bought.

I led an hour-long training yesterday afternoon for everyone. I couldn’t even look at her. So, she got one of the notebooks that I brought and some colored pencils and drew. She’s so cool. After my training and after our meeting was done, I gave her the unopened bag of Bark Thins and the one that had been opened and asked her take it to her house. I think that she has five roommates in her giant house that she owns. She handed me back the unopened one and I told her please that my son doesn’t need it and needs to lose weight. She thanked me.

I need a new pool. One of my bosses was talking shit to me on Tuesday because he’s been out on all kinds of dates and I have had one in the last two weeks. I said, “Yeah, you swipe,” and he said, “No, I met her on Facebook.” Don’t know how the Facebook dating app is different than swiping, but ok. You’re better at pool and bowling than I am and you win on dating. I just need a big pool.

Goddess of the cyclist/hiker hear me! Where is that pool?

I’m excited for a convention next month. My old friend who moved back to California may come too. She asked me to send her a picture from my wedding via text, and I said, “No way.” Then I realized it was super rude so I texted that I was divorced. She felt so badly that she didn’t know, so she said she’d come next month for the convention. We spoke and she said that she can get funding for the Conference, so we may connect there. I’m excited to network at the convention and maybe have a long distance hiker and biker.

by

Challenger / Protector / Boss

What do I want to work on? Conflicts. I don’t care about them at work. There are some unreasonable consumers that I have for stakeholders, so I just disengage. I guess that is normal for who I am via the Enneagram because when I get stressed out I withdraw and think about my own things which are often pessimistic. The approach reads like a turtle. In the shell, head buried, stay in there, and then when you come out have a strategy. That’s gross. It is the natural stress point though with becoming an investigator when you’re under stress and are a Challenger.

One time in one of my buildings we were all stuck at work late at night because we are public servants and sometimes little makes sense and is a rule or simply bureaucratic. We were reading the Enneagram stuff and when it got to parts about an unhealthy 8, it basically described razing the area and everyone in the path to the ground whilst self-destructing. Hahahahaha.

The photographer said that I don’t seem like an 8, and that’s because I feel most comfortable living in the Giver and Helper, which is the heart of the 8. Like me, the climber is also an 8. I noticed that she only uses one noun to describe it: Protector. The photographer is a 3 and the term Achiever resonates with her. She told me that she is working on not having to accomplish daily.

I need to work on conflict. I am wondering if taking a walk would help the turtle. At that first twinge of disappointment / disagreement just say, “This situation seems to be going in circles. I’m going to take a walk, and come back in an hour. I value you and don’t want to say anything that is solely in anger.” I need to operate from a place of empathy when I come back and acknowledge any harm that I have caused.

Do you fight with lovers who you don’t live with and with whom you make concrete plans and only concentrate on those? I don’t think that you do. We had plans to climb the artificial wall at the Rec Center and those had to halt because we had a late meeting and celebration which ensued after the meeting was over. I didn’t trip out. And she didn’t trip out when I couldn’t find my car that night. She also had to cancel when she got rebound symptoms on 11/11 when we had plans. I didn’t trip out. I texted her that if she’d like we should go to a play, symphony or ballet sometime because I didn’t know how my hair looked straightened since I stop dyeing it, and we should do so and get dressed up together. She thought about it for three-weeks and then asked and we did it! No fight. No conflict. Not that we’re lovers… Yet.

I haven’t spent enough time with the photographer to test my evolving theory. I hope that she can make Tuesday work, because I had to flake out on indoor climbing and dinner plans with my old work husband and his real wife. Now, he’s got to reschedule those. I just have to watch the weather for winter summits. Those can be really impossible in windy conditions.

When the photographer and I got back to the trailhead where I parked on Sunday, I’d asked her if I could take her to lunch and she said that she had a 4 o’clock and that made me really conscious of the time. I think that I got back to her car at 3, so she made it. She said that she would not have any plans after our plans for the next get together. Again, no conflict. I still need to work on my skills with them though.

by

Blue-eyed, Millennial Capricorns

She embraced me too–super mutual embrace.  She remarked that I was obviously good people because I was acquainted with my best friend as is she.  I asked her if she was allergic to dogs and she exclaimed, “No, did you bring pups?!?”  I said that I hadn’t,  but wanted to drive and couldn’t do so if she was allergic due to dog hair in my vehicle.  She hopped in.  I drove west.  And when I turned off to start heading up to the trailhead from the highway I said, “It’s so beautiful up here. I’ve not been up here in a long time,” and she talked about hiking there last weekend.  I turned around and got back on the highway.  She was taken aback and did laugh, but was very surprised.  I actually had intended to head more west, but the road was confusing so we were heading back, so I decided to turn into the road that goes into town and she told me that she’d shot a wedding here.  I said, “I want to hike somewhere new to you!”  She said that she swore that it was right there only and hadn’t been on the back side of the trail.  We found the trailhead with her help and she started talking to me about what she is going through right now with a friend of hers and it is a lot–scary stuff.  That opened the door to my being really open with her.

The photographer talked about her family, she talked about her ex, so I talked about two of mine including my ex-wife.  And she told me where she’d arrived with her friend and care of her.  She’s solid.  She is also very sexy, multilingual, does a daily Yoga practice and dances.  She has her own businesses and has a flexible work schedule.  We talked about her bike too.  I want to ride with her as well.  She told me that she’d never done a high peak and that friends are always saying that they’re going to take her up one.  I’ll have to lend her snow pants and they won’t fit her super great, and we should maybe both rent crampons.  I am reasonably sure that I have two sets of trekking poles, but have to look.  I know the one that we’ll do and have done winter mountaineering one time on a rope team, so I feel confident.  We just have to look for the best high pressure day next week because it can get windy and miserable.  The forecast looks safest in 8-days. 

I talked about my recent shift into believing in polyamory.  I explained a few times that it’s weird to have many friends and one partner.  I talked about how odd it is that one person would believe that she could be all for another.  We talked about my best friend’s desire to be with a woman, and how it freaks out her husband.  I said that they should swing, and then realized that would mean that my best friend would also be providing some intimacy to a man other than her husband and it 1) really grossed me out, and 2) helped me understand that would be incredibly complicated.  It would be easier for them to have a woman that they had an understanding with, but it’s off the table because he’s jealous.  It makes me sad for her. 

She almost fell and noted how quick my reaction time is.  I would have caught her.  Parts of the trail were incredibly icy.  I’m going to have to buy new boots finally because there is a part of them that has no tread at all.  I slipped a couple of times, but it wasn’t anything serious.  We must have hiked almost 8-miles.  I keep my phone in my back pocket, but it lowballs things if I don’t specifically run the app and rely on it to run in the background.  If I run it specifically to track though, it drains my battery.  It tracked us at 5.8-miles.  Regardless, we gained lots of elevation and I was STARVING when I got home. 

It was a great first date.  We embraced again outside her car, and she said, “Nice to meet you,” and I said in her ear, “We’ve met.”  She blushed a little and laughed and said, “Oh, I know.”  She’s much more cautious than the climber.  She’s also almost exactly two-years older than her.  It’s really odd.  The climber’s birthday is one day in the next three-weeks (37), and the photographer’s is three days after that (39).  Incidentally, my best friend’s follows in three-days and my son’s three days after that, but they are Aquarii.  My love interests are blue-eyed Millennial Capricorns.  I like this part of my life.