This is the third year of them, and I’ve had incredible luck. When I was trying to fly out to get to Fort Lauderdale the plane was on a weather delay. It was 81 in Miami with light showers and 96 on the tarmac while we were trying to take off in the plane. They had to wait 75-minutes for the engine to cool substantially and be in the “green zone.” (Note those were the pilot’s words and not mine and I didn’t find them comforting.) I ate late night sushi when I finally got to South Beach. That whole trip was amazing. There is a great botanical gardens in North Beach which was quite the find.
Can you believe this area is where the city compost pile is? I’m not kidding.
I saw Vulture Island, air boated the Everglades on a tour, saw tons of alligators and learned about the impact of exotic pets. I’m glad to have been there before salinity ruins them and the small mammals are all eaten by animals which don’t belong there. I had ample beach time and really good food. The latter was surprising because I’ve spent many, many days in Florida and have eaten some terrible and greasy fare. Southern Florida seems to have better food from my experience anyway.
I had the same type of weather pattern the following year when I went to Mount Desert Island. I was getting texts from friends about 100-degree days and was soaking up the 70s on a rented bike going through Bar Harbor and using the carriage roads in Acadia. I would go back there and spend two-weeks in a heartbeat. I can’t describe the beauty.
I took off on my bike when the ferry that I took at the base of my bed and breakfast on Southwest Harbor was secured. We spent a couple hours on the larger Cranberry Island and I did a solo hike too. This is the view from one of the rock beaches there. There are all kinds of different boats on the Maine Coast.
We had over five-and-a-half inches of rain last month, and meteorologists are saying June will be “soggy.” Totally fine with me. I don’t have a working cooler in my house right now and the company wanted 10K, which I am not doing, obviously. I can use the attic fan in the morning and then shut up my house when the storms and rain abate. I’ll get a cooler when I sell the house. Rain is forecasted here at home until June 14th. It’s incredible. It’s in the upper 70s and 80s in Portland, and over 90 when I get there. I’m so lucky. Who knew going to Portland would be going into summer?
I had made a whole bunch of Udon in my wok on Friday, so I took some over to my neighbors with the last Korean Beef Rib, a piece of fried Turkey Spam, and an egg over easy. So they brought over the roasted and seeded red pepper dip which is milled into a paste, and a goat cheese dip that has a bit of black pepper in it (This dip is great and new to me.) and the huge pitas from the Lebanese bakery last night. This breakfast alongside black coffee is the best one!
This dip is made with cream cheese and feta. It’s apparently Greek and you put some yogurt in it as well to get the consistency correct. (I already ate the two triangles of baklava. I can pretend it’s a special occasion. I don’t do any sugar unless it’s a holiday or I am away from home.)
Maryland is taking me to the airport on Tuesday morning. I’m giving him $40, coffee and a burrito. I already made the latter. I think that I’ll get a private shuttle to get home. I know that’s really expensive, but our airport is notorious for having Lyft and Uber drivers just not show at night from the airport. I don’t want to be there until 5:00 am when the trains start running again. That would be an awful way to end my vacation in Oregon.
Wait. What is up with these fonts?!? It’s bothering me to write. Why did they change? They didn’t email me. Software engineers are likely well-intentioned, but these things can be alarming. I’ll write anyway.
I went to happy hour and people were talking about work. That can be annoying. It also makes the men leave abruptly which leaves me feeling paranoid. I ordered BBQ nachos with diced jalapeños. Everyone inhaled them–I should have ordered two orders. I went to the bar and sang one song and didn’t like the vibe and couldn’t get anyone to meet me so I went to Trader Joes and got some beef ribs which I put in the ceramic skillet and left on 8 while I walked the dogs quickly. I wolfed all but one.
I slept off and on until 8. I’m going to shower, walk my dogs, and then get the coffee packs and granola bars and such out of my car from my main site out, and go to my secondary site. Hopefully, I can just get my vacation setting on remotely from any phone, and I’ll do the one in that work email. I did a two-week and a day vacation setting for my one university job and I’ll log into the other one when I get back from OR. I have to start checking that one more faithfully. Those are doctoral students only so the level of maintenance is more significant for whatever reason.
“Plural Loves,” which I’m reading now is ok. Some chapters are better than others, but it’s mostly just a lot of sex. Sex is fine, but I like the psychologically nuanced stuff and research things more. It’s not bad and there are tons of contributing authors to the book. I’ll be done tonight or tomorrow night. It’s cool that an Ereader tracks your book progress. Glad that I bought an Ereader.
I cut the grass yesterday between happy hour and karaoke. It took a very long time and it’s a small patch of grass so it was pretty funny. After I’m at work an hour or so, I’m going to three pet stores–how annoying–and getting everything so that I don’t come back to any problems. I made my son watch “16 candles” this week, and he loved it. I told him that I will not come back to a house like that. I’m really hopeful. My neighbors will look in on him, thank goodness.
I have a really rattly cough. It sounds wet in the morning. I also have had some pretty bad headaches, which I’ve not had in years. Just a gross cold going around, I guess. I don’t know if it will be gone by Tuesday, but I hope so. I brought home a KN95 to wear on the plane. I’ve not been sick like this in many years.
Libra is the ballet dancer’s best friend out here. She wanted to do long distance with her semi-gf who is still in Nashville. That woman’s mother told her that they shouldn’t talk for a month, so they didn’t until yesterday and then they talked and decided not to date. I texted her that was wise and she said that she wants to believe that. Anyone in their mid-twenties who still has a parent with that much sway isn’t a love interest. That’s a child. She is going to bowl for me next Wednesday when I’m in OR and our other teammate is her age and also from the south. Hoping, hoping, hoping! I love setting people up. I hope that they hit it off.
I have to go. I have to shower. I have to walk the girls. I have to work a couple hours. I have to run errands. I have to work in the yards before the storm rolls in. I’m Ernest Hemmingway.
Dinner was good and because we were the second group of people there on Saturday night, service was swift. The appetizers came out within typical timing and our food was maybe 20-minutes after that. The pacing was weird, because I didn’t get mine right away, but it was delicious and we weren’t there long–just over an hour. Then I took my son bowling. Bowling is soooo expensive outside of league. It’s ok.
For some reason, I got an extra $90 from the University this month, which always makes the alimony bite better when I see extra money. There are 3 payments left folks, and I have already written in the Exclusive Right to Sell Document on Thursday that some of the money goes in a cashier’s check. I’ll get the title company to send that to my ex-wife and then this chapter finally closes. I think that it will be about a year from when my divorce finalized.
We picked up Maryland at his house and had a nice ride up to the trailhead. We even got a parking spot which was shocking! I had never been up there in the spring. There were some really muddy areas from the brook that feeds out of the canyon and there was a really pretty flower just blooming. Google Lens wasn’t working because no one had signal.
Pretty mountain flower
I had packed turkey, Swiss, and romaine sandwiches for us all. Then my son wanted me to store his raincoat, so I told him to put it in my backpack with my water bladder and first aid stuff and he threw a sandwich on the trail and blamed me for not having it wrapped well in aluminum foil. I told him to pick it all up and had to keep telling him where pieces of it were and he got so pissed about me not wrapping food correctly–mind you it was securely in my backpack–that he charged ahead of us. That was fine.
Maryland and I had great conversation. He said, “So, you’re returning to polyamory.” I said, “I’m trying not to mess up. I had a quad that only the girl and I knew about in college and it was unethical. And then I was in a Vee in 2009-2010. In fact, she was the first person that I thought of when I got divorced. I texted her, ‘How are you? I’m divorced.’ But, she wound up being really sick so she had to stay in her marriage because her wife has good medical insurance.” I told him my ideal would be a couple of married women who had girlfriends as younger people and are in a long-term marriage and not doing well with bisexuality, so they’ve talked with their husbands about opening up. I told him that I don’t see myself as a threat to a man. I’m direct, authentic, open and would never want to break up a marriage. I just like having girlfriends. He told me that I’m the unicorn. He also told me to get on an app. That won’t happen.
The climber would scurry and solo this stuff all the way up the top piece of granite.
Maryland has been polyamorous since college. He is in a year-long relationship with a partner who is my age. I think she’s probably just a little older than me judging from the way that she looks. He loves her and considers her his primary partner. She loves him and is solo poly. I think that I’ve discovered that people who make a decent amount of money and have a house identify more with being solo poly. The words seemed loaded. Eg. “My money is mine and I don’t cohabitate.” His partner brought him over to me at karaoke and introduced us and then she said, “I’m going to mingle.” He had gotten my phone number and then we texted and made these plans. I think that we’ll camp this summer too. I enjoy his company very much. He’s also sweet. He texted, “Ok, good to know. Yes, definitely feeling it but that was good,” after I’d texted him our mileage. I texted back, “Hahahaha. Me too! I got nine-years on ya, too,” and sent the sleeping head and grandma emoji. He texted back, “You rock it,” with the starry eyed emoji and a pine tree. I prayer handed that text. He’s going to be a very close friend to me. I’m very happy.
Today I have high tea at the Indian tea house. I wonder if liquor stores are open today? I want to add a bottle of Scarpetta Rosé to the candle and bath bombs for the ballet dancer. Hopefully, they’re open. I have to pick up her best friend out here before we go to the other city. Her best friend wrecked her car. She’s a lesbian too, so I’m looking forward to chatting with her. I told the ballet dancer because she’s newly out, I could be like a mentor to her. I’ve been out 16-years this fall.
I’m going to do yard work and organizing today before the birthday party at high tea. I have to have the house more manageable before I leave for Oregon. It’s pretty disorganized and the yards are actually insane because of all the spring rain. The yards at my house are ridiculous. Like other things from the 50s that I don’t agree with is not limited to all kinds of Kentucky bluegrass everywhere surrounded a brick ranch in the desert. I have mulch and a xeriscape up front and have a tiny patch of tall fescue in the back. I’m doing no mow May though, so it’s also crazy. It’s going to take forever on Thursday to cut it.
Has anyone seen “Indecent Proposal?” Robert Redford gives a couple a million dollars to have a night with I think Woody Harrelson’s wife… Is it Demi Moore? I can’t recall, actually. It fucks up their marriage entirely. I don’t want transactional intimacy. I want a couple of girlfriends. I want to do what I want that doesn’t involve sex, and want to always kiss who I want to kiss. With girlfriends, it would be wonderful to be friends with husbands too, because I really feel at ease around men. They don’t make my heart race or make me feel fluttery.
Maryland, who is so cool, and doesn’t make me feel anything but respect and companionship told me about the relationship smorgasbord. I don’t love this podcast, but have listened to 3-5 of them, and found the graphic in the podcast of the relationship smorgasbord that I want to include in this blog about my weekend and reflections on transactional sex.
Maryland is a Companionship / Playfulness and Emotional Intimacy relationship. The ballet dancer is also Companionship / Playfulness but there is some level or hierarchy given our age difference–Power / Hierarchy on the graphic. I think that will be the same with her best friend. The climber does some communication dynamics and is Romantic with some manner of Emotional Intimacy. Maryland was correct, as this graphic is really helpful with conceptualizing relationship. My best friend and I cross over so many areas on this graphic, so you can see visually the import of our connection.
About two-weeks ago, I saw a robin digging dead grass out from under the area in our backyard which grows terrible grass because of the lack of rainfall that lands given that it’s right under the eaves. A robin’s nest is really, really cool. It looks like it’s spun around. She’s been chilling there this week–I’ll bet that there are eggs, but they’re pretty deep in there because my 6-foot-tall son can’t even see them jumping up.
She’s been eating and standing on it too, so I know that she and her mate who also visits are working on something. Many bird species, given their short life span as a mammal, mate for life. They’ll probably be hatching babies soon and it will be so cool. We don’t have the wrens this year in the red bird house in the other corner of the patio, but we do have sparrows in the opposite side and that house has been here a really long time with no inhabitants, so it’s exciting.
She and her mate are so industrious. They really make you realize the short evolutionary distance that we have between ourselves and birds.
I did the community walk this morning, and learned about the pancreas. I thought it was excretory. Yes, AND responsible for hormones and blood sugar too. Nice, little 2-mile walk and good connections. My dog got tired, and my ex’s dog got weird. They’re both fine now. I had to take a nap because I have a sinus infection. Five pets on the bed with me. I made a quesadilla and will eat it soon. I put seeded a jalapeño in it. Nothing is very hot for me anymore. I want to have eaten recently when we go to dinner.
I even ate ghost pepper tenders on Tuesday and was fine. I’m going to hot Thai tonight. Our neighbors and I are making the trip to the strip mall for 2-3-Hour-Thai. Honestly, you sit FOREVER. The food is incredible though. I’ll time when we hand back the menu to our server and when the food comes and update peeps. My neighbors are like my family now. I am so, so lucky.
Work was so trying this week. I think that I work 2 or 3 days next week, and then I have a few days off. I’m going to Oregon, and I’ve never been there. I’m so excited. I’ll spend almost a week there. I’m open to whatever experiences will unfold there.
I’m supposed to go hiking with my buddy tomorrow. I haven’t heard from him for confirmation, but I think that he has a friend in town. The woman that he’s dating I think is older than me, so I’m bringing my son so he doesn’t get the wrong impression of me. I really like hanging out with men. Monday I have a birthday party for my new friend who is super young and works in IT. I think that she’ll be the ballet dancer. I don’t want to reference age anymore. I don’t have a nickname for the blog for my new guy friend, but if tomorrow happens, I will easily be able to craft one which I’ll use in this blog.
My colleague who almost died has a roommate. That is so, so good! She tends to deny all social needs and her roommate is a former colleague of ours and such good people. She broke up with her serious girlfriend. They even lived together. I am not positive, but I think that they were together at least 3-years. It’s really sad. She is so cool though, and I am so glad that she’s living with my colleague. My colleague won’t be able to drink herself to death either which creates a piece of mind for me.
I met with the realtor on Zoom. I’m still a bit attracted to her. It’s ok. I think that I like the way in which she doesn’t half-ass work. She is such an Ace at what she does! She speaks and writes three languages too and is very bold. Like I wrote in December she wants to be friends, so that is what we are. I’m having her over for dinner on Father’s Day with my son and I. I think that she’s an extrovert, so it will be a very easy time. I’m introverted and can do a little better with an extrovert because I don’t have to work as much and I can always ask really good questions. On the 15th, the climber and I had long periods of silence in the car because we’re both introverted. It wasn’t awkward–it was quiet.
For whatever reason, I’ve had a higher than normal sex drive, which is a little bit annoying. I don’t want to be intimate with anyone who isn’t in love with me. Hopefully, I’ll have a fun summer and make some good connections.
There are all kinds of polyamorous people. I hung out with kinky and queer poly folk on Saturday and then a whole bunch of different types of polyamorous people on Wednesday. I talked with the climber on our solo commute home Monday before I’d been with the group, and she told me that the dance community is mostly polyamorous, but they’re not experienced really because they just have always been poly and around lots of people who they move in an out of the same type of relationships rather than aging, changing and seeking something that is different. They’ll age though. No one is 20 forever.
I have an aromantic buddy. We watched the Lakers game and both sang on Wednesday. He hikes and climbs. He texted a whole bunch yesterday while I was bowling. He’s a grad student at the medical school and smart. In fact, a woman who is M to F also wrote to me in the app, got my number and texted. I’m definitely making poly friends. One woman was super hot and nice and was there with one of her partners. I don’t think that she likes women romantically though. I sat with who I thought was a triad, but it was two solo poly folk who do date a bit and their friend who I’m reasonably sure was F to M. They were cool and decidedly queer.
I don’t really want to write about my son or the house I’m selling here today. I just wanted to write about my life. I’ll do another entry on Sunday.
The music teacher says that she is bisexual and not pansexual. She likes the word queer. She explained that in the quad that she’s seeking that she wants to buy a duplex with a communal backyard so people can hang and be in an above the ground pool. I think that’s attainable. We had fun bowling on our new team. I’m so surprised that my colleague feels so at ease with us. She’s very straight and just chills with all of us queer folk! Ok, I have to shower, walk my dogs, and figure out some food situation to put in my panier. Later days, WordPress Friends!
My Boss is amazing. She did probably one of the sexiest karaoke acts at the good venue to “Work It.” She even makes the “Cuban Shuffle” sexy. I had to video that. I couldn’t really concentrate for the former. It was a lot. She would be a lot to handle actually, so it’s good she’s 1) married and 2) my boss. I won’t ever make that mistake again. That ended with 2007.
Her sister is pretty and also sexy. She brought a triad and then at least 4 or so other folks came by. With the exception of the one man, they were all either huge or just overweight. I had two beers and had done my first Zumba and also the elliptical, so I was starving, so I felt really good that the triad and my Boss’ sister invited me to late night middle eastern. The conversation was super interesting. The male in the triad is a leather worker and my Boss’ sister talked about hikes being distracting because she sees branches and thinks about how well it would work to tie someone up. It leaves me neutral. Not sure why. I think that kink just isn’t my thing.
I have done things with exes that they wanted me to do, and never really found it that particularly hot. I just think it’s whatever someone is into. I don’t want to be hurt or beaten though, and have never been asked to inflict lots of extreme pain. I do think that I’d struggle with that. It doesn’t gross me out, but doesn’t turn me on at all either. I saw my Boss’ sister’s breasts in her bra. They’re very nice. I gave her a hug at the end of the night and want to chill with her again. However, I just want some mentors. My Boss’ sister would be a good one for me because she’s active and organizes for kink-queer events. She’s also been poly lots of years. I think that I have for a total of four years of my life prior.
Speaking of which, one of my former colleagues wrote a Mother’s Day post on Instagram–I’d had my son hold the rose that I got at brunch from the bar–that I am a nurturer of so many. I think that I am huge hearted. I loved what she’d written. I think that pretty much illustrates part of my always present polyamorous nature. I just like to love lots of people very deeply and give myself fully to many. I’m so excited for tomorrow. I’ll meet new people. Again, I think that I need mentors.
I went to a high tea at my best friend’s friend’s house on Saturday. Her singing partner was there. Otherwise the crowd was very straight. It was beautiful though. For Mother’s Day we cleaned her back sun room and also the craft studio where she has a trundle. Her parents get here tomorrow for her son’s graduation. She was grateful. I love her so much, and she’s always accepted me and all my twists and turns. It’s funny, because I’m really stable–same career for most of my years working, and have just added work, and I am only 6-years from paying off my house which only had a contributor for one of these 21-years–but my life has been anything but that. It’s ok. I know that I’m resilient.
My son and I have to pick up the climber here in just under an hour. The nice guy has an after work dental appointment. I have to finally wash my hair. I put smooth infusion in it on Saturday and couldn’t really get it completely straightened. It would have taken 20-30 minutes to do it well and I didn’t have that much time because of my workouts, errands, high tea and cleaning my best friend’s rooms. We got 5-inches of rain in three days, so the ground is kinda boggy. It’s like the Pacific Northwest; although, I live in the Mountain West. My hair is gross though, so I have to give myself ample time in the shower, and then I’ll walk the dogs and pack up. I have to eat peanut butter sandwiches, an avocado and tuna. I also didn’t cook for my colleague either. I ate a couple meals out yesterday given Mother’s Day. I’ll let her know that food is coming for her on the 22nd.
I’ll blog again Wednesday or Thursday. More karaoke with peeps. Let the connections ensue.
I sang on Saturday night and met a really nice woman. The music teacher got her number. She was fun to talk to and very smart. I think that she was close to the music teacher’s age. Speaking of youngsters–the woman from the climbing class texted and we hiked on Sunday! We asked a fellow hiker if we were on the loop though, and we weren’t, so that was funny. I told her that we’d pay a fellow trailblazer for a ride to the other trailhead. She said that on All Trails we’d hiked for 5.5-miles! This really nice mountain biker went and got gas and then took us up the canyon. It was so cool of him and I Venmo’ed him $10 and then my new young friend sent me $5. She is having a birthday party at a teahouse over Memorial Day. Such a fun connection for me! She’s going to talk to my son about IT too. My son was Prom King on Saturday night. I’m so glad that he’s graduating.
The nice guy walked to my house and we three made good time in. When we had our morning meeting our Boss said that the climber was running late. I had lunch with everyone and took my lake walk. We have an absolutely awful meeting every Monday afternoon, and this one was only slightly better. With the exception that I learned from our Boss that the climber is late 2-3 times every week, and that the nice guy was sleeping, and that the woman with whom I share an office this year wouldn’t meet with me and a client feigning “too busy,” I was fine in the meeting. Then I was just grossed out at the lack of professionalism and entitlement. Gross.
There are professional lines at work, and I would be a terrible boss because I’d fire everyone. It’s good that I do what I do. I had to talk to the climber about memory and learning trials given one of our clients. It went well and she was interested. I didn’t feel sparks. I did smile back at her and she smiled a lot at me, but I think because she mentions plans and doesn’t do anything to follow through that she is moving to a comet for me. I used to think of her as a satellite because of seeing her weekly, but with the amount of Mondays that she misses it was already getting like a comet. Not that I chase. Now, I just am doing my thing three more times until late summer.
Speaking of which, the nice guy and I were driving home together and the climber was next to us on the highway. We paced her to be funny and also were waving our arms. She was texting! On the highway. She didn’t see us. Eventually we were on the street and did get her to look over with honking, yelling, and waving get her attention. I told her we’d been with her on the highway when she rolled down her window and she seemed a little embarrassed. I told her that her texts must have been interesting. The nice guy said that her driving often scares him. He told a bunch of stories. He also told me that she fell asleep at the wheel once and he had to clap by her face! The nice guy told her that she is going to have to start sleeping at night. It does explain being late 2-3 days a week. He also said that she had accidentally put her car into park when it was running and it was after that it became unfixable. Apparently, she met him in the copy room and asked him if we were mad at her. He told her that we weren’t and he always assumed that we commute Mondays so he walked to my house because I leave earlier. I’d never be interested being late 2-3 times a week.
I told him that I would love to be involved as a girlfriend in a couple of marriages. I acknowledged that it was a complete unicorn hunting episode, but said that it would be so cool if a couple of women who had been married awhile couldn’t deal well without a relationship with a woman given their bisexuality and made a consensual, ethical arrangement. He told me that it wasn’t unicorn hunting at all, and that my talking about it was giving it life. He told me to get on the app, Her, because that arrangement is super common. I told him that there was no way that I would ever do apps. Maybe someday I’ll blog about the cowgirl and flute player more specifically, but apps don’t work well for me. I’m organic.
My son and I did our cardio and my best friend was walking into the gym! She had a box of materials with her. She was going to throw clay in the studio. It was so nice to see her. She complimented my physique. I see her on Saturday to help her get furniture moved because her parents are coming. We’ll clean too. It was funny that the day was all about bisexuality and that a new friend here on WordPress was saying that polarized thinking is inflexible. It is. It’s a scale. Lots of women lean toward the middle on Kinsey.
It would be so cool to find some 5-6 scale women on either or both coasts and some 3-4 women who have an open understanding with their husbands. We shall see!
I used to say yes all the time when offered extra work. There isn’t any way that I’ll do that anymore. They’d like me to teach the crisis intervention class on the main campus of the university. I had asked weeks ago via email if I could get a hotel room three Saturdays and he just didn’t answer. I saw him yesterday in the lines for students getting ready to walk to the stage in their robes with their specialist hoods on, and he said, “Yeah, I don’t think that we’ll be able to do that.” No email. No response until I directly asked him yesterday at graduation. I said, “Well, I think that you’ll have to get someone else to teach it. It took me an hour and fifty-minutes to get up here.” I know it wouldn’t take me that long on a Saturday and Sunday, but why? A half tank of gas and my hips getting stiff three times for $2,600? No way.
I’ve known this Dean for 26-years. We were ships passing in the night until I took a class when I first entertained a doctorate in 2003. When I got my first graduate degree she was a professor there and left right before I started, but I knew her. Then she went to two different universities before directing the program that I just finished coordinating. Recently, she was promoted to Dean. Her successor isn’t half as professional as she is with respect to consistency in contact, answering emails, and being able to get ahold of readily. I’ll teach the internship class as long as they need me to because it’s a really low lift and I don’t have to go anywhere. I don’t mind Zooming because there isn’t any content to speak of; you answer questions and lead supervision. Videoconferencing for hours in a training or with lecture is terrible. The software wasn’t made for that!
I actually didn’t stay. It was cold and and windy and I didn’t want to be in the bleachers. I would have had to order months ago and really advocate for my doctoral robe and cords and stuff. I never did walk when I got my doctorate because my final defense was a week before the first day of fall in 2014 and by the time May of 2015 rolled around, I was already working in higher ed and doing my post-doc. Maybe someday I’ll participate as faculty in my robe for graduation. However, it was really nice to see all of them. Three weren’t there. I texted them and one said that she is buying me beers and we’re connecting about our field soon! They were a special cohort to coordinate. They had to learn intelligence and cognitive testing in fishbowl masked watching me test my neighbor’s kids. They practiced on each other or on friends to try to learn instruments. In the height of COVID parents didn’t let their students volunteer for anything. People were dying.
Mother’s Day is fucking me up this year. It didn’t last year, and it is this year. I miss my Mom and have been so teary all the time. I didn’t cry yesterday at graduation, and wouldn’t have had I stayed, but I am heavy and sad. I probably should talk to someone about it, but now I bowl on Wednesdays so I can’t go to group on the 17th. Actually, like many things, just writing about it is helping.
I dreamt on Wednesday night that the climber was laying on my back while I was facing away from her in a chair. She’d done that in March I think. I’m pretty sure it was before we kissed last–maybe it was February. However, in the dream we would up laying together and she was holding my hands which started to sweat and we were moving our hands together and she laid on my back. It wasn’t erotic, but definitely sexual and sensual. I like the way that she feels against me in life too. I texted her Thursday, “I dreamed about you last night.” I didn’t get a response, but I wanted to be vulnerable. Again, boundaries, I control me. I don’t know if we will wind up doing anything soon. She has said three times that we need to climb after work, and then she has missed at least two Mondays. In fact, she has missed a day or two of work for many months now. She misses a lot of work. I don’t. I think showing up no matter what and not taking mental health days is also a boundary for me.
My son has prom. I guess I’ll go to the bar tonight. I’ll only get to sing once because of the weird way that she does the rotation, but that is fine. I may stay awhile. We go to the good venue with my Boss, her sister and some of her sister’s friends on the 13th. There is no way that the owners will be at a basketball game on a Saturday! I’m excited for the 13th. My boss’ sister teaches classes in BDSM nationwide and internationally. That isn’t my thing, but she’s poly and has a huge scene. I’m looking for mentors. Three days after that on what would have been my Mom’s 74th birthday, I meet the group members–ones who are doing this event anyway–at another karaoke venue who are also poly. I’m not putting energy out to date, but want to be around other people who have lived in this world. I’ve had experiences with it, but not recent ones, and never was in a community.
Chop wood; carry water. It’s time to put on running pants, a sports bra, and a wicking shirt and walk my dogs! Happy Saturday.
I was kinda leering around the door of the venue last night at 6 when these guys in jerseys said, “Are you trying to go to _______?” I said that I was and they said that they wouldn’t open tonight. I told them that was a pattern now for Mondays. They said that they were going to go to a basketball game instead tonight when they got tickets and that would be the last Monday that would happen. Here we are again! Only this time the nice guy from work had cancelled a few hours earlier, which made complete sense given that he was carjacked on Saturday, and the girls and I had to make a quick plan. We went back to the crappy karaoke venue and ate psuedo Irish food and then went to meat market karaoke. I was starving all day because of the hike and climbing on Sunday.
However, if you’re in a group of four you’re left alone and if you’re in a group of three you’re only slight accosted–we were able to get the guy to finally stop hugging me eventually and especially when my friend said, “Smile?!? Why would I have to smile?” He got kicked completely out anyway around 10. That was the only unwanted attention though, so it was good. I had decided to sing only things that I’d never sung before. I nailed “Umbrella.” “Don’t Stop Believing” was just ok, but one of my friends teaches music, is a musician, and is getting a specific Master’s in music right now; so she explained that it’s better in karaoke to do only vocal forward songs because guitar heavy songs have too many instrumental layers blended and it’s hard to find pitch in the medley. “When Doves Cry” was good too. I like not just singing Pat Benatar 🙂 We bullied the music teacher into singing “It’s all coming back to Me now.” She was amazing. My other friend did “Walking on Broken Glass” again and she always sings that song very well.
I’m getting really close with them both. I could have babysat the music teacher given our age difference, and I think that my other friend is around the climber’s age. I talked to them about polyamory and found out that the music teacher just wants to split bills with someone and likes the idea of polyamory. Neither one of them ever want kids. I can’t wait to start bowling with them next Wednesday! My straight friend in this little friend group obtained our 4th teammate for the league. She’s younger than the music teacher and in the middle of divorce because she feels so bi. I asked my friend why they didn’t just open their marriage and she said that she’s also no longer in love with her husband. Relationships are changing y’all. The music teacher told me that married people have the most STIs and it’s because of cheating. Why cheat? Figure your stuff out or get divorced. If you married mostly for financial reasons, ask your friends for loans for a short-time. Life is really short and it’s best to be honest.
Sooooo… Yesterday Vegan texted. I didn’t think that would happen again tbh. It was somewhat awkward at snowshoeing. She was talking with the two organizers about not getting comments on her jacket and I said, “Do you need someone to tell you that you’re cute, __ ______?” She blushed and one of the organizers explained about this amazing skier and his clothing brand and that they were both hoping that someone would know that her jacket was his and was retro. I like to tease and stuff, so I didn’t apologize. However, we’re going to climb on the outdoor sport wall next Thursday. Now, one of us just needs to improve and take some more safety stuff to learn to safely fix a top rope and then they’re at least two places that we can go outside. I don’t want to get a gym membership. They’re nearly $100 a month. We can climb. Plus, she walks faster than me–she’s two or so inches taller and in very good physical shape although she’s two-years-older–and we can do some summit hiking as well. I’m so excited. It’s as good as an aromantic man. I have no physical chemistry with her and she’s a good person. She’s super athletic too. I’m stronger and she is faster and more lithe. Good combination!
I think that I’ll proofread this entry, add a picture with a loose metaphor and walk my dogs. I have a Zoom for the work on the house at 9:15. Then because I climbed and didn’t lift on Sunday, I’ll go to the gym. I should bike there. Why use my car today?
I had nightmares on Saturday night and last night, which often means that I have to look at my associations with objects in the dreams. As I started doing just that this morning I started thinking about a guy who’s aromantic and asexual for both a hiking and climbing partner. There was a really nice girl who was a former ballet dancer in our climbing group yesterday. She was probably between 22-24 and I thought that she would be such a good connection for my son. I think that means that she is Gen Z like my son, too. She said that she’d climb with me and brought that up, but I don’t want to chase that. She’s really good given both her age and now I just know that if you’re a dancer, you’re typically really adept at climbing.
Is it possible for me to meet a guy who is only interested in me as an outdoor companion? My best friend from middle school has tried to kiss me at least twice–once when I was 13 and once when I was 34–and it’s always alarming. With all the emphasis on how one identifies, I was thinking that a guy who’s asexual or aromantic would be ideal. It’s definitely a me problem and I could be accused of unicorn hunting, but yesterday I had so much fun climbing in that group that it made me long for when I was in my mid-thirties and had a climbing partner who was 7-9 years younger than me. His family was really religious though so when he got married we pretty much fell away. He has a couple of kids now too. Having some older lesbian hiking partner just looks weird in some circles.
I’m at a point where women my age have often become very overweight, or simply just do a single cardio activity once a week. They can’t really hike at elevation with me. Also, I don’t know any of my female friends whom have an appeal or draw to climbing. I feel as if I’m at an impasse with pools of possible outdoor companions. I really hope to connect with men soon and will put that out when I’m meeting new people. I want a guy who isn’t interested in me romantically at all to hike and climb with this spring and summer.
I know that this picture (above) is sandstone, but instead imagine granite. The stuff going up on the sides is not my bag. I struggle so much at present switching my feet and the exposure factors. It’s maddening when you’re moving your feet and running one of your hands along rock above you looking for your next area to put your hand as you step up. I’m reminded of Alex Honnold saying and writing “trust right foot.” I know that it will get better though. I’ve been on real rock three times only! Look at the left side with those chimneys. I love, love, love climbing in those and feel not a concern with heights when I’m surrounded in a chimney. I just go up quickly and keep stepping. I’m going to research chimney areas in the canyons around here! First off, I need to find my unicorn.
I found something written recently today (4/23), so I’m reading it. (I finished the book in four days.) It’s by Fosse (2021) and I am now hooked. She is a psychologist and the book is “The Many Faces of Polyamory: Longing and Belonging in Concurrent Relationships.” Much of it is reflections on her practice with couples. Here is a quotation that I particularly liked in the introduction: “At the core, all relationships are about the same issue—a sense of connection and belonging, and hope for a lasting, secure attachment” (p. 2).
I think that the difference, for me anyway, between desire in monogamous and polyamorous relationships is being present and asking questions rather than making assumptions. I was able to take communication for granted when I would see my wife every week, but with a partner who is poly, you have to let go of filling in any details and ask instead gently-phrased questions. You also have to make your needs known directly.
For jealousy, the whole thing seems complex. There were three chapters dedicated to it in the book.
“In polyamory, jealousy is considered a complex phenomenon too, consisting of many underlying emotions and affective states, including sadness, anger, anxiety, insecurity, low self-esteem, possessiveness, territoriality, envy, and fear of abandonment” (p. 67). I felt envy that the climber already has a partner who lives on the West Coast and has been with him off and on for 5-6 years, but then quickly rationalized it. I’ve not even been divorced for a year yet, and wouldn’t have had the opportunity to have something that long because my last marriage wasn’t open. I told the nice guy from work that maybe I could have two Portland women: one from ME and one from WA. Hahahahaha. A good goal though. 🙂
I know that my first ex-mother-in-law always thought it was weird that I did lots of stuff with female friends. I just feel more emotionally close with women. I also know that my ex-wife resented and was jealous of many of my friends and colleagues. Envy makes the most sense to me for jealousy. It’s largely because I’m in transition though: my kid moves out next summer and I’m barely out of a monogamous marriage. These goals with 2-3 partners shall materialize.
Are there often poly structures in female friendships? I think that I get a lot of emotional needs met with my best friend and always have. I talk through pain with friends whom I’ve had for years. It’s not sexual though, but rather close, emotional intimacy. My ex-wife and I shared our past rather quickly and then she would reference my other girlfriends to ensure that I wasn’t as “weird” with them. I am weird. I have elaborate inside jokes that few can follow and like to laugh about really odd things. I wouldn’t necessarily need a partner to act weird with though, and can do odd stuff with family members and some of my friends. Right now I just want some sparks for romantic partners.
The CEO got jealous about all of my friends all of the time. It’s funny because it wasn’t romance, but I’ve had long-term close emotional connections with women. I still have those too. My son and I just had lunch with his godparents and their kids for her birthday (I bought for all six.) and we all had a good connection. She wants to hike a high peak with her husband this summer. I’m not interested any longer in re-summits though. There is no way he’s in shape enough to complete some of the longer ones that I’ve not completed yet. Anyway, I still feel emotionally close to her, but it’s not sexual chemistry. I feel that via good conversations that I’ve had with the climber or the ones during the initial part of the hike with the photographer.
I also read more in Fosse (2021) about how NRE can impact stability and feelings of ease in a long-term relationship with a partner. I can remember being excited to see my best friend and make dinner together for our kids years ago when I was single. I loved it too that I would get closer with colleagues at work, and we’d do stuff together. That always felt so fun to me. Like I wrote earlier, I remember some jealousy from my ex-wife too when I’d hang out with colleagues or my best friend. I think that pushed me in our last few years of marriage to do things solo: join a rope team, do some hikes with our dogs only, etc. Fosse (2021) writes about “companionship and security” which is present in marriages (p. 92). My ex-wife was a companion, but we never honestly had any security. Regardless of her narrative, she was always one foot out with me and sometimes it was literal wherein she lived elsewhere.
Knowing your identity seems to combat this dissention which can be found in another partner. I still think, too, that relinquishing any desire for control and remembering that you can only control what you do is important. I identify as completely solo poly, lesbian, and like the term “relationship anarchy.” I don’t want convention, and rather want to communicate individual needs with each woman. There will be no cohabitation, or mixing of finances. Trips and even dates will be paid for by the person who makes the date or will be decided on before we go out. I don’t want another triad or quad. I’m fine with lots of vees, and I don’t want to hear complaints about anyone from a woman about another partner. I’ve got experience in those things and don’t want repeat mistakes. I don’t want sex without love from me and love from her either. I want to kiss whoever I want and have sex rules with women with whom I’m in love and with whom I am physically and sexually intimate.
A majority of the last part of the book was about unpacking and working through jealousy. The vignettes that the author used were mostly about married couples who opened up their marriages, so it didn’t apply to me. My ex wife wasn’t committed to me in a realistic way. She would have to take long breaks from me or my son all the time. If we’d opened up our marriage, it would have been like many of the vignettes in the text in which the marriage was simply ending anyway so the inevitable was postponed via sharing about NRE within the couple or sometimes falling love with a partner and being monogamous with them and restarting a new monogamous relationship. I guess that could happen to me in a couple vee. I’ll have to work through that stuff if I sleep with a woman in an open marriage. Again, don’t bitch about your husband to me. I’ll exit that date!
“It is possible that polyamory attracts people who are prone to intellectualization, rationalization, and reaction formation as coping strategies. (p. 96).” I’m fine with having defenses that help me get through situations. I’m also pragmatic to a fault. I feel secure to explore now and want to interact. I’m going to ditch kickball and guitar on May 16th and sing karaoke with poly folk, and will blog about that experience fully. I enjoyed this book and now am ready to apply my knowledge getting to know more people who have been poly for years and with whom I can hopefully have close friendships.
Last fall I realized and made known to anyone who was talking to me about romance and relationship that I wanted never to mix finances or live with anyone. My divorce finalized a couple of weeks before my 48th birthday last fall. Then enter the climber who is poly and gender non-conforming and we had a fun outdoor climb. I started thinking is there a way to not be like her and live with people but be poly? I ran across this blog entry: https://holierthantao.com/2023/04/03/exploring-relationships-beyond-monogamy-the-rise-of-ethical-non-monogamy/
That was amazing for me. One of the people that Peter McGraw interviewed has had two “sweethearts” for years. Another woman interviewed has had a 6-month, year, and three-year relationship and has just started up with someone exciting who provides that which is referred to as “new relationship energy” (NRE) in the polyamorous world. A book comes out next winter and I’ll definitely read it.
Now, it’s time for me to go on more dates or spend more time with different women. I’m not sure how though to be completely honest via my incognito blog-diary. I think that I’ll join a group in May or June. I’m not a particularly social person. I do much better 1-1. I force myself to play kickball and bowl with strangers and now that our latter team has disbanded, I’m bowling with two colleagues and one of the colleague’s cousins on the gay league still. I also go to a guitar class each week, and don’t really like the social aspect. I just go to get better on the guitar. I’m trained as a psychologist; although, I never took the EPPP and did post-doc stuff in higher ed instead. (I would have had to taken it and passed it between the fall of 2014-2021 and never really studied much.) I mention that because people like to talk to me: a lot. I don’t love conversation unless it’s interesting.
When you’re a solo polyamorist you don’t personally have a primary relationship. There isn’t a triad or quad. I’ve done a vee and been in a dishonest quad. The former two-years after the divorce from my ex-husband and the latter in college, which really feels like a thousand years ago. What I didn’t like was the pressure in those. You have to follow through on things because the person that you’re with has other obligations at times, so you have to be available when the woman is.
I don’t want a primary relationship again. I don’t mind being on the side of some woman’s geometry, but don’t want to have to ask anyone who I can kiss. Additionally, when one reads NYT or the like what you’ll find are interviews of women who have two boyfriends. That isn’t me.
I also am independent and have a whole bunch of hobbies which my jobs get in the way of–especially in the spring. My health is so important to me. I like to sleep 7-10 hours, cook and eat really good food, and when I can’t cook I like to have a crispy apple, a can of albacore and an avocado. My sleep, nutrition and exercise were something that I compromised in both of my marriages. I’ll never do that again.
Solo polyamorous people don’t have a most significant other and their primary relationship is with themselves. I am a great date. I concentrate on that person completely, don’t use or even check my phone, and am an impeccable listener who asks good questions and can remember with uncanny detail what women tell me. I am a great friend. I cook for new mothers weekly, I drop off meals for women who have lost a family member, I coordinate details and make food for birthday parties, I call often friends who are going through difficult times. These, the romantic, and the platonic efforts, all come from me and I don’t have any expectation for anything in return. I love others all the time.
Here I am. My best friend is married and has two different jobs and various employees. I would say that all of my long-term friends, as defined as a minimum of 20-years, are either married or in longer term monogamous relationships. These folks are busy with work and other things. They’re also all: straight. I think that I need to have intentional new friendships and I think that I need to have poly role-models. There are certainly things that I don’t ever want to do: live with someone, give money to someone, put all of my love into one woman, or be in large groups for hours. I wonder what is next for me this spring and summer?
So, I’m on page 126 in the Sheff (2013) book and thinking about my past relationship with the woman who got a transplant recently as well as thinking about what I’ll never do again. It probably helps to review, but if you’re interested in the slightest, please read “Waiting or Dying.”
When I met her, I just wanted to hook-up and we did that for a couple of months. Then she pared down lovers and it was me and one other woman. We were eventually a vee. I knew about it with a great level of detail, and the other woman knew little about me. One time she had texted me, “Do you have earrings with _____?” I can’t remember what she texted. I texted back, “My ears aren’t pierced.” And she had texted something to the effect that she knew that I “could handle her asking about the earrings.” By that time, I don’t think that she was having sex with anyone but me and one other woman. We were a de facto vee after my girlfriend couldn’t manage her “kid in the candy store” stage. I was so busy with a preschooler that I could just sleep with her every other weekend.
I don’t want that ever again. The other woman was insanely jealous of me, and when my girlfriend moved, I was just glad that she was 6 states away. I wasn’t ever jealous. After she pursued me because the other woman was out of the picture, I couldn’t let go of that she really didn’t ever choose me. Being exclusive with me was an extension of her pervasive complacency. Our foundation was built on nothing, and we ended with nothing. How you start out does matter.
I don’t want to have or be a primary partner. I want an honest rotation. A quad would be ideal. I understand that the network would be complex, and I have no need to know much about any of the women in my partners’ networks. I would be fine if my partners wanted to zoom, phone or have a quick meeting, but that would not be something that I’d want. I just want a clean STI test and I’ll give one too before intimacy.
I would still like to hold hands, snuggle and kiss whoever I want to, and think that works fine too. If someone in my quad wants to sleep with an entire network that is totally fine with me too, and I know that I could manage around three significant relationships. Again, when there is time in between having sex, I won’t have sex with a woman until I see a newly dated STI document.
I don’t want weird jealousy ever again. I don’t want to ever listen to someone bitch about a woman in their network either.
We live way past 25 now. In some cases, a relationship can last forever and be very good. People dynamically grow and change together. Otherwise, I think that we’re meant to have many relationships. I personally want to have safe, honest, and relationships built on emotional intimacy. And like my friendships, I want to have many.
As my pinky heals, I am still having some trouble with sports. I talked to the OT at work yesterday who encouraged me to manually close the finger to my palm and then ice it. I’ll do that between bowling tonight. In the meantime, I am reading “Attached,” and also came across a blog this morning with the term “solo poly” in it and found a researcher and professor who wrote a book called “The Polyamorists Next Door.” Being a professor myself, I easily downloaded it. It’s fascinating. I wrote to my friend via text today and said that I am enjoying “Attached,” but it’s VERY straight and exclusive monogamy-based. Totally fine with me as I want to learn more about adult attachment, but I need to read it in tandem with something for sexual minorities. Back to that.
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