Tag Archives: Fighting

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Friendships

I had this impressive student in 2015-2016. He’s now a licensed psychologist. Last night he and I walked around a couple of parks and then the trail by the creek and had Mexican food at a Taqueria. We’re friends now because he’s done with school and we both want to stay in touch. He’s 14-years younger than me.

He had a really bad breakup. He told me about it two-weeks ago.

I told him my whole story.

He was horrified.

I asked if he like the piece about my being “fake.” And he said, “You’re a lot of things, and fake isn’t one of them.”

It is true that I’m direct. To a fault. I also have to be really careful so I’m not sharp.

I got good at being gentle with my ex-GF.

I know that I was as kind as I could be with Scorpio and my worries about her threesome.

He thought reading that in a text was inappropriate and extremely hurtful.

We hung out for two-hours. Here was his text:

“Home safe and doing laundry. Thanks for a great convo and meal together. My heart is heavy for you and all you’ve had to endure or be subjected to–it’s not fair and it’s not right. But, I’m also struck by your awareness, resolve and unwillingness to tolerate bullshit. You’re amazing.”

I have lived so many days more than the ones that I have left. I don’t want volatility, belittling, communication that is gamey and can’t deal with deflecting responsibility.

Unless something happens again, I think that I have laid to rest the topic of Scorpio’s and my four-months together.

I’m lucky.

I don’t want to wash myself clean of her. I don’t regret meeting her. She was fun, funny, passionate and great to be around. We had some amazing travels. We laughed so hard. Just because we don’t have healthy conflict, and she hasn’t treated her demons and mood, it doesn’t mean that I want to vilify her. I wish her peace.

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Rage

I had a weak moment after I left the gym having done the adductor, abductor, elliptical for 20-minutes and then the leg press yesterday morning.

I called the author.

I had some tears and told her that I was practically sitting on my hands because I wanted to see how Scorpio’s tooth extraction went.

She said, “And you won’t do that.”

I knew that she was right, and I knew that she was the perfect person to call so I wouldn’t do that.

We talked for probably half-an-hour on the phone. I finally went in the grocery store and then it ensued.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, texts started coming through from Scorpio.

I was called an “evil cunt.” I was told “fuck you bitch” more times than I have heard across a lifetime raising my son. It was vitriol like I have never seen.

I held firm that because we don’t have healthy conflict, we can’t do anything.

She said that she regretted meeting me and that she wishes she could wash me away from her body. She said that she shouldn’t have trusted me with her body and heart.

Scorpio said that I better worry if she ever sees me again.

I texted that engaging in this much negativity wasn’t good for her. I texted that I don’t return this level of anger or name calling.

My hands shook for awhile texting her back, and then I just called Hockey when I got to the car because she had an hour-long drive and wound up staying on the phone with her while Scorpio continued to blow up my phone. I was folding laundry and using my Pixel Buds and I could see the flashes of texts coming through the whole time.

I only had a half-day off from work, so I wound up going into work and after I had just cleared her messages that continued to come in, so soon after she started calling me. She must have called me ten times total. I texted that I was at work.

She said that I needed to go meet with my Boss and tell him that I abandoned her today and didn’t help.

I texted that he knew that and I’d met with him yesterday.

Because she has a specific ring tone (chimes), it kept ringing and I had two clients for group, so I powered off my phone. 2-hours later when I turned it back on I had 30 unread texts from her. She called at least twice more. The last one that I can see in our thread is 🖕🏻

Scorpio doesn’t like to text. Apparently when she’s mad enough she is able to send over 200 of them.

I called my best friend, I called Brooklyn, I had an appointment to talk with my friend who runs a polyamorous discussion group who’s a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW), I spoke briefly with the author again, and I talked with Hockey for an hour last night. Although when my best friend called I was talking with LCSW, she and I will talk sometime soon. I made a walking date with the Realtor. Portland also reached out yesterday again, and this time she made a phone date for Saturday.

When I write this part of the account down I recall Scorpio texting, “You deserve to be alone like I do.” I simply texted, “I am not alone.”

I’m not.

And yesterday solidified that I made the right decision returning her things on Friday morning. She is so unwell. Scorpio is the eternal victim.

I have to leave her unread going forward and won’t answer her calls. If she ever leaves a message, I’ll have a friend delete it. I don’t block her because that seems limiting. She can have her process. My hope is that someday she gets professional help (Reading self-help books are a start; however, you don’t pay anyone to challenge your thinking errors in that scenario.) and make amends with everyone with whom she has been volatile while accepting no accountability.

I wish her well.

The nice thing is that I’m no longer in love.

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Health

I’m a health fanatic. I watch my step count. Every week I lift, run an interval for 20-minutes, and do a cardio routine with 90 reps of hip and leg sets. I also eat fruit and vegetables and try not to eat things out of bags. I drink water and coffee and rarely drink.

I have also had only 11 sexual partners which is one of the lowest numbers that I’ve heard of with unmarried people in their 50s.

I like dating a lot. I like connection. My sex drive isn’t as such that I would engage in casual encounters. I don’t need it like I did in my 30s and love connected sex. I had two partners in my 30s who I slightly regret the speed in which we were intimate.

My jobs are trying at intervals during 10-months of the year. I have made a decision that I need to meet with my pension organization in the fall. I need to know if I have 3 or more years left. I’m tired of jugging responsibilities and these often impact my health when I’m overwhelmed. Work life balance can certainly affect all aspects of my life.

That doesn’t mean that I would tell anyone how they should do health, work and sex.

Scorpio and I had a date on Saturday. I drove to her house and brought her to my friend, Brooklyn’s house. We had a good time with her. Scorpio is very social so she likes hanging out with other people too. We had fun, connected sex that night. I took her home so she could get ready for brunch on Sunday late morning.

I didn’t hear from her again until after I’d slept about 3.5-hours.

I had texted her at 7:30 pm that I hoped that brunch was fun and that I had a wonderful 36-hours with her and that I appreciated her. That night I went to bed at 9:30 and sent the “Goodnight” text with the hug and kiss emojis. When I randomly woke up at 1, I think that what I had was a drunk text. And it included information about a threesome.

Then she was in a bad mood via text on Monday and on Tuesday. Her texting was cold. And she has to get an extraction and probably a bone graft on Wednesday, and I’m willing to take her to that appointment and get her back to her house. However, she was in a bad space and barely asking me a single question. Some was related to drinking, which she doesn’t do often. I know that some is related to the way she is impacted by my dating that I’m doing. I wasn’t sure how to bring it up last night. And I was in a hideous mood anyway (work, second date with Portland, wibbles about a threesome, and feeling behind in my giant house and yards).

I eventually asked her for an 8-second hug to see if it would reset my nervous system. It did. In fact, she continued to hold me. Later when I was putting the final touches on dinner I felt my vagus nerve reset. It hadn’t done that in a few weeks. We adjorned to her movie room and office to talk.

She said that she trusted me enough to be around me when I’m in a bad mood because she knew that I would bring it up if it had anything to do with her. I told her that unprotected penetrative sex that could lead to my contracting HPV would be something that would affect my mood. I get that was direct.

However, I didn’t deserve what happened. She cried and sometimes when she does she also yells. That feels like weaponizing tears to me. In fact, she told me that I was 1) controlling, 2) manipulative, 3) a bisexual shamer, 4) monogamous, 5) a repeat of her ex-boyfriend of 3-years, and that I needed to go fuck someone.

Last night marked the 2nd time that I have had to tell her that I don’t want empty sex.

I was so proud that although she was yelling that I said that I had not heard from her in 9-hours and assumed brunch was that: 1-4 hours max. I told her that I sent a text saying that I had a great 36-hours with her and it was met with a threesome text. That was so off the mark. To hear nothing from her and then have something insensitive in response to my text regarding appreciating her made me feel bad.

She told me that 1-4 hours for brunch was an “assumption,” and went back to saying that we don’t have “rules,” and all kinds of other things that make me monogamous. It was so strange. And, I was done being yelled at. I said, “You’re yelling still. I don’t think that I can do this.”

She finally said, “Bye.”

After my former sister-in-law was murdered I began utilizing curriculum that is used mostly with young people (high school and college age) that helps recognize the Signs of Heathy and Unhealthy relationships. I was so glad that a colleague recommended the training to me. It took me weeks to get through it and I use it personally and at work. The curriculum is a family’s sublimation effort as a result of the murder of their daughter whose ex-boyfriend killed right before she graduated from college.

I mention it because no matter what, no one should be yelled at. I mention it too, because having my check-in text met with a flippant threesome text was hurtful and would’ve hurt anyone. Instead of acknowledging my feelings, regardless of how I brought it up, she unloaded on me. That’s not love.

I’m not going camping today or this weekend. I have very little to apologize for–I just don’t have ways to bring things up to her generally. We see each other midweek and spend weekend dates together. Our texting isn’t great, and she doesn’t like to text. She’s also not a phone call person. We’re good in person. We’re not good at conflict.

I think that if she wants to continue to spend time with me that we need to have a friendship.

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Drill down

My mentor introduced me to the work of Susan Scott and I use her work today. Over the weekend, and it took us talking about it 3-4 times again, Scorpio and I drilled down to the root of our problem.

It’s not about sex.

It’s not about objectification.

It’s about her feeling like she and I are a team.

She said that we have the ability to figure anything out and get creative.

In a Mineral Rights Conversation (Scott) is used when you have to think of the good of a group and an ideal outcome for your relationship.

One of Scorpio’s best friends is having a camp themed birthday party in the woods in three weeks.

When I learned that our first night of connecting alone was off of the table, I didn’t want to go at all.

That was met with sadness and anger.

I liked it when she named both of her emotions and also told me that I was acting like a baby. There wasn’t anything disingenuous about her approach and I love the way in which she deals with things so head-on. I also think that I was getting all worked up in an unhealthy fashion.

Describe a tough conversation that you’ve had in which you challenged your own thinking directly through having the ability to consider fully yours and another’s reality.

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Defense

I wish that I wasn’t thinking about my drawbacks hiding in the bushes.

I am though.

Saying “honeymoon phase” is grossly oversimplified.

I think that with intentionality, you can orchestrate exciting and passionate moments even when you’ve been with someone for a year.

When she was probably slightly altered Scorpio whispered in my ear, “I want to travel with you forever!”

I think that the business of staying together is mostly couched in fighting well.

I would like to learn to fight well.

I worked on that a ton with my ex-GF.

We handled conflict well until we reached an impasse.

I don’t think that she was accountable for her role in barely meeting my needs physically and emotionally.

I think too that because I’m so sensitive, we weren’t a good match for each other ultimately.

Scorpio is just as sensitive as I am.

Scorpio is physically motivated.

Scorpio is an emotional creature.

How do you fight?

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Gallows

For someone who has never fought with a romantic partner, last night was off the chain.

Not that it’s new to me.

Women and even my ex-husband a couple of times when he’d been drinking cuss at me and flip out.

It’s because I showed some other people that TikTok to see if it was mean. The consensus was that it was passive aggressive. She swears it was because she and I beat the odds.

I asked her how’s that?

I asked about the ultimatum. I said it was a veto.

I told her that she wants to offshore me for sex, which is dangerous and will result in STIs for me as women who are sleeping with tons of women are not exactly practicing safer sex. I told her that it was empty. She told me that I’m incongruent. I said that I could’ve had sex on Wednesday and I don’t want to. I’m wanting two GFs and she’s hierarchical.

I told her that she has stuck her own “For Rent” Sign on my heart and no one can be there. It’s rented. I said that didn’t honor that my heart moves on it’s own as does another woman’s heart.

We didn’t land on anything.

She would only own that my thinking that I am an afterthought could be true.

She said that she will gladly take her spare free time back.

I guess that my feeling taken for granted is my “story line.”

I guess that my feeling hurt by that TikTok is projection.

The other stuff that we talked about was related to her “encouraging” me regarding that my 12-14 hour work days that include an activity sometimes in which I can’t see clients, because my clients don’t have transportation, but I still have to log those hours doing nothing being “fun.” After she explained her perspective on my having good jobs, I understood that. I told her that I don’t need any advice about work and going forward we could talk about it and I don’t want to text about it.

In fact, I don’t like texting with her much anyway. I haven’t in a really long time. She is sooooooo great in person and presents kind and sweet. That phone fight last night was awful and it did lay groundwork for today. I’m leaving for her apartment in just under an hour. It doesn’t feel great and is scary. I’m not a wimp though.

We’d be together a year on Monday, so I wrote out the anniversary card that I’d bought. I wrote in the last sentences that like I promised with her ring, every February can be made special and surprising as well as her birthday as long as she lives here. I can keep that promise.

I put my birthday gift to her (Her tradition is giving loved ones presents on one’s own birthday.), a dice game that she bought which is unopened, the journal that I’ve written in for her and her daughter daily since 1/1/25 (9/5/25 is the last entry), and her 52 questions that we’d planned to use in 2026 in a brown bag. I’ll leave it in the car until she’s done talking to me. Then I’m 95% that I’ll run down to the car, hand it to her and give her her keys back.

Tonight is about listening with compassion. We hashed everything out. It’s about my marching orders how she wants us to be moving forward.

I’d still like to see her for many days for the month of February. I’d still like to celebrate her birthday in July. I’d still like to teach her daughter to ride a bike. And none of these outcomes are up to me.

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IRL

I think that I’m just better with in person meeting. Years ago, I met one woman on Chemistry.com and we just spent a couple of weekends together. A friend ran an OK Cupid for me and I had a couple of months of dates with a tall, blue-eyed flute player. However, online dating is pretty difficult.

I had a very cool thing happen on Tuesday. I was scrolling through Tinder before I went to a meeting and saw the girl who hugged me and rubbed her hands all over my body at Karaoke Thanksgiving week. I had her number anyway so I texted her about seeing her profile and we exchanged a few texts. I told her that I’d take her to dinner outside of the context of Tinder. I asked for a phone call.

Again, in real life stuff (IRL) is how I roll.

Yesterday, she asked me to go roller skating alongside the women who she and her best friend had met at karaoke in November. (One of my friends was dancing and making out with her best friend that night.) She texted only me and I asked her if she would like me to forward that text to these women. I haven’t roller skated since 7th grade and would be terrible now, and can’t anyway given my knee. I wasn’t sure if she wanted to see me or go out in a group. She didn’t answer that, and instead began a long text exchange with me. I even left work late!

I’m so looking forward to our phone call. She wants to go to karaoke in a group before our date, but I think that I’m just too busy this weekend.

I am unsure what’s going to happen with my girlfriend. She had texted me fairly late yesterday a laughing emoji with the words “How is active dating going?” I just called her.

I had the tough conversation with her on Saturday, and I think that my position isn’t understood. I don’t understand hers either, so because she thinks that I’m being aggressive, I told her that I’ll just talk to her on Friday. She has a friend here from Chicago anyway.

I would rather, and this isn’t shocking being that I’m Solo Poly, just continue to date her when she makes plans with me. We have some really wonderful things in our relationship and she’s the nicest woman whom I have dated. Saturday was no exception. It was a nice date.

I’ll see Friday if she wants to be friends. I have named that directly and kicked it around frequently since March, so I’m fine with that. I don’t want to fight about a lack of sex anymore. That’s just weird and goes nowhere.

I’m very excited for my phone call with the woman whose Tinder profile I saw after having met her in person in November. She is about 5’10”, has a fantastic body, hazel eyes and sandy brown hair that she highlights. I have called out that I am ten-years older and she texted that she’s always drawn to older people. She has a ten-year-old, which means that she had him at the exact same age that I had my son. She’s also a Taurus, which is easy for me given that I’m in my element. She knows about my GF and that I’m Solo Poly. After we go to dinner, I’ll write an update.

I may write another one on Sunday after Mother’s Day stuff with my GF and our kids depending on how the weekend goes.