Tag Archives: Balance

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April Fool’s Day

The wind died down! Woo-hoo. It was so depressing. I still was able to walk 230,460 steps for March, which was good for me as of late. I bike a ton so often that’s why my step count is lower. January and February were so trying for me because I couldn’t really cycle much. I had never truly known how much of my self-care is wrapped up in riding my bike. I have this thing wherein I like my walking and cycling to add up to more hours than being in a car. I failed miserably last month:

I had a bunch of fun with my friend yesterday at lunch. I drank two IPAs. I had the best charred chicken wings ever too. I told her that I have a goal of love for others. She said, “Like polyamory?” I answered in the affirmative. She said, “What if you meet an incredible woman and she wants you to be hers exclusively?” I told her that I would say that she is a great woman and if that is what she wants she deserves someone to feel that same way about her and build something exclusive together. When I have just written out what she asked me, my stomach truly turned the strong, black coffee that I consume every morning. There is something revolting to me about possession of a person.

I do think that marriage is a great idea. When I got married in 2014, I wanted two egos in the house–as I am forever seeking balance and have it tattooed on right bicep–to help raise my son well. She did so many things for him. I really hope that if he does get done with high school midway through next month that he calls and tells her. I would have stay married to her too; although, like I told my friend yesterday, she did wind up crying 3-4 days inconsolably weekly in the last year that she lived with me. She struggles with health and wellness. I wish her well, and am grateful to her that I finished my doctorate with her help. She will get $82,500 for it, and then I will consider our chapter completely written.

I don’t want to remarry. I don’t want to cohabitate. I also truly believe that I can be in love with 2-3 women concurrently. My friend was obviously intrigued by how that could be. I told her that I had 15-years of my writing, so it’s not like a new concept to me. Speaking of which, look what I found this week:

“I wonder if I can be very attracted to several girls at once,” as written by ______ on January 17, 2013. That’s because I always am. So, as I wrote about in March as written by the brilliant screenwriter Cameron Crowe, “So what’s love?” To me it’s being moved mind, body and soul. The soul thing is consuming and pervasive. I’ve felt in twice in my life. One lasted a few months and another lasted years. I’m fine with no sex until those three conditions are met.

My friend recommended “Attached” and there are 22 holds, so I used gift cards and ordered it. I can bike to pick it up tomorrow. I’ll give it to someone after I read it. Obviously, people are wrestling with their attachments if there are currently 22 active holds.

My colleague who almost died is in FL as I mentioned and we have her daughter. Her daughter is a year younger than my son and lightyears more advanced emotionally. I don’t know why. Anyway, she talked to me last night about her attachment to her mother and how mother-daughter relationships are complicated. Mine really wasn’t. My Mom and I only fought when she told me that I was putting on heirs going to my first round of graduate school. We weren’t the same after that, but we still had a foundation and she was my touchstone and safe point. I know that she wasn’t a treat to come out to, but we had an uncomplicated foundation that is difficult to completely explain.

I sang on Thursday and some members of my doctoral group and the nice guy from work and his girlfriend and I are singing tonight. I called the dance studio and no one is there until Monday. I may drop in there on Monday. I don’t work very much on Monday anyway. My son and my colleague’s daughter practiced a little bit last night and we taught her some chords. She has an electric guitar at home. I was so grateful that she entertained my son last night. I was also grateful that my son’s Dad went through his Federal and State returns and found an exclusion for tax rate because someone claims him as a dependent. I am looking forward to my Boss’ birthday party tomorrow. Her sister is an artist and has a huge poly community. I’ll definitely be chatting with her!

Finally, I read an article in the US version of “International Business Times” about April Fool’s Day. It likely started when folks migrated from the Gregorian calendar to the Julian calendar. There have been several types of spring jest as well. Sometimes sending someone on a fool’s errand or dressing up to make fun of the powerful is part of April Fool’s Day. All of those historical reference points seem good for a night doing karaoke with physicians and professors!

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Try it again

I did not have to use those simulated ice tools again. They let me simply climb. They started me on a 5.9 and the start was brutal. By the time I was 10-feet up, I was shaking. I told the instructor that it was way past my ability level. I have climbed 7 times TOTAL before, so I’m not good with mini edge pieces like this one:

You slide your foot sideways on it and are barely flat on the wall. I felt really good when the instructor who has climbed all over the nation said that the start was gnarly, and also said that it was a 5.11+ climb after she couldn’t get up it all the way. Sport climbing is pretty difficult actually. I want to get back on rock. I ought to be able to do that mid-April because the climber is so nice. I needed my pinky though and because I had bowled 6 games on Thursday, and my middle finger was a little swollen and it got more swollen climbing. I need to take really good care of my hands and joints if I want to get better at climbing. The top broken pinky joint feels mostly healed, but the bottom joint still looks a little dislocated and is pretty swollen. I’ll have the OT at work look at it again next week. No more boxing or dodgeball.

I lifted on Friday and on Sunday. I want to take my dogs hiking Wednesday. I would like to get my total steps up to 300,000 by Friday. I never quite track 10,000 per day, but always get way more heart points than is recommended. I’m only up to 174,368 steps, so I need 31,000 or so everyday for the remainder of the week. It’s doable. I have a walking lunch with a friend of mine on Friday and tomorrow I am having lunch at a colleague’s parents’ house.

I am going to karaoke with my doctoral group on Saturday. I’m going to bring the nice guy from work if he remembers. I guess that you can have friends join. The cardiologist’s friend from snowshoeing saw his picture and asked me to bring him. It’s at least slightly a prowl for me. I really want to increase my pool.

My Boss turns 40 on Sunday and is having a bash. I asked the climber, but she was noncommittal. She wasn’t rude, but has been pretty adamant lately about wanting to climb soon, and hasn’t said yes to anything else; although she thanked me for calling and inviting her to the party. She’s climbing and ice climbing for a week. We’re good though. She didn’t go to work last Monday and texted back and forth with her initiation that day. After kissing in the car when we commuted home together a couple of weeks ago today, I knew that she and I were good.

It’s so nice to not be working right now. I got all my tax stuff submitted to the accountant and now am waiting for a giant bill. I made over 131K last year, so I will pay in badly. I’m going to clean some stuff around the house too. I’m getting things done that I don’t have the bandwidth to do when I go into the office everyday.

My ex-mother-in-law texted me. She has a memory of just us eating dinner in a restaurant in NM. I don’t think it ever happened. We had breakfast with her boyfriend only, but I didn’t go to dinner with just her. I didn’t argue and recommended The Shed. I hope that she and her boyfriend like it. Neither one of us made it a thing. It was a little unsettling. I would never want ill-will between us and legitimately miss her and my ex-wife’s two sisters.

I get 9-weeks of vacation this summer. I’m going to go to OR. I’ve never been. I’m going to stay in Portland two nights and then I’m actually driving–I never do that–a couple of hours to Crater Lake. I will still rent a bike so I can do the 33-mile rim ride, but will have a car. I usually use my feet or rented cycles on solo vacations. I’m going to call two companies tomorrow morning before I go to lunch. I want to have a bike with me for a couple of days when I’m physically at Crater Lake Lodge. I’m also going to boat on a booked trip to Wizard Island. I’m looking forward to spring and summer!

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Afternoon commute

Sunday night the nice guy said that he is going to ride in solo for a day or two, so I texted the climber about our commute. The nice guy’s gf is very sick with COVID; although he is testing negative. So, it would be three of us–including my son–in, and she and I only on the way home. Yay. I got my son settled in the backseat of the car with the exception of his missing medication. I also forgot my coffee cup because I didn’t pack it in my lunch pail. If those are the worst things that happened given the time change, I’ll take it. I knocked on the dark door of her huge house and she came out very shortly. My son was nice and quiet in the backseat with the exception of making conversation about a topic that she knows a lot about, so it was a cool commute in given that I had snowshoed this weekend and she had climbed a frozen waterfall and rare formation. We had tons of outdoor conversation. She was really touched by the coffee that I made her and the milk, but didn’t use the cane sugar.

I had cooked breakfast for our whole staff and she has a mug of mine that she’s been using since then, so I went to borrow it and she said, “No, I’m going to take care of this because it has water in it.” Then she came into my office and laid against my back while I was scoring a test event. I told her that she is distracting. Pretty ballsy too as the nice guy was outside the door just feet away; although he can’t see into my office and could only hear us. I spent 10-minutes in her office at the end of lunch. She’s really easy for me to talk to and feel connected.

I told her that people have specific reactions to me just wanting to be and be open to whatever in terms of connections. I told her that people believe that I’m in a phase. She said, “Who cares if it is a phase and it ends?” I told her it’s really not given that with my marriages and the time that I was with both of them that it added up to 21-years of monogamy. Then I had exclusiveness with at least four other women now that I think about it. (I just realized that now that I’m writing.) The day to day stuff just doesn’t work for me personally, so I know that it’s not phase-oriented. I just want moments. I found out also that the climber had wanted kids and that she would still likely be married if he’d been able to have them, and that made me sad and made me understand her big, bustling household of 5 other folks who cook and host dances together. That’s her family and it’s very cool.

When we got to her house I asked her if I could have a hug. Then we wound up holding each other really close. Her breathing was a little jagged and she said, “I don’t want to get out of your car.” I told her that she didn’t have to and kissed her cheek and she held me tighter. We wound up kissing for awhile. It was so incredibly nice. Before she was getting out, she bit the front of my left bicep. I told her that we need to get together and she agreed. I’m going to see if I can get dinner with her in the next three weeks, and she wants to go climbing with me. My skin on my pinky is scaly and weird. I think it’s trying to do everything to heal up. I’ll use the dreaded simulated ice tools again on March 25th and will see how holding it with a three-fingered grip works.

She is such a complex person. I’m just starting to get to where I can ask her personal questions. I wouldn’t say that’s she’s guarded, but she doesn’t give lots of information unsolicited. She has definitely moved me on a body and mind level. I look forward to more time with her.

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Social Butterfly

It took forever to get up to the lunch spot that the host picked. A pickup and some semis had a collision near one of the mountain passes so traffic accordioned back although the accident had been cleared. When I got there, Vegan was there! I was shocked. The host and her partner said, “Well, you pretty much have your doctorate.” So the rules are loose and you can bring friends. Check. No neuroscientist and no medical school director in attendance. Fairly nice lunch. The butterfly had hosted a Christmas Party recently and I said, “I thought that you said, ‘no more potlucks?'” She explained it was mostly outside our group, and then I learned that it was for an elite group within our group. I just said, “Gotcha. It was for people who you care about.” Lesbians can be incredibly exclusive. It makes everything difficult with dating for sure. Lunch was only slightly awkward, but the friend of the cardiologist who I’d met before at a beer garden happy hour and I talked a bit, and I finished her hashbrowns. I noted that I liked them both.

I talked a bit with Vegan. She’s a really good skier so on the downhills on the groomed snowshoeing trail, she got some speed and went down fast. I was talking with the cardiologist and her friend again, and helped the cardiologist get into her cross country skis by pushing the side of my gigantic snowshoe into the front of her ski and she got clipped in. (My snowshoes were given to me by my ex who just got a liver transplant, and she’s a hair under 6′, so they’re really too big for me, but I’m a minimalist amd won’t buy new snowshoes.) However, there was massive ice on the road between the trails, so the cardiologist fell and had to go back. Our group met up with them again on the downhill and I told the group, “I’m going back up with them because I drove all the way up here, and have barely hiked!” The cardiologist was faring much better in snowshoes! Great conversation and connection. I just love the cardiologist and her friend.

We got down to the bottom and were hanging out in a group–Vegan was gone because she had another obligation–and I told them about karaoke a couple of Thursdays ago. The host said that would be our next thing. It will be cool. I explained that things happen there like me kissing 30-year-old women so we need to keep things on the dl. Social butterfly was in costume and her snowshoes still, but everyone else was loosening up and getting beer samples. Then the cardiologist and her friend and I caravanned back to their hotel and spa and went to dinner. We had a wonderful time. I’ll make sure that I see them as often as they can make time to meet up with me. They included me and were genuinely interested in me. I had such a wonderful time yesterday and feel encouraged–so grateful that I’m even dealing with losing an hour this morning!

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Pins, Young Ladies and Facing the Music

I have taken off my homemade splint. The top pinky joint was broken, and the second joint dislocated. It’s going to take some time. I am using a hand strengthening ball at work when I’m talking to clients. I bowled without it, and in my third and final game I got my new approach down and bowled 152. I’ll take it. My other games were bad though so my average was only 115. We have made a small spare dance and also a bowing with crossed arms for strikes. It’s a hoot.

I have a gay bf. His name is Owen. We love each other. We talked again last night. He makes mannequins and is tall, gentle and sweet. He moves to OH with his soon-to-be-husband soon. The ladies on the lane next to us were cute and I think in their 20s. We’ll play them soon. Super fun.

I’m snowshoeing with my lady doctorate peeps. I have to face the medical school director and the neuroscientist on Saturday. It’s all good. Calm and cool. Time to shower and bike to work!

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No chemistry

My initial impressions were correct. I like Vegan. She’s so cool. She’s full of forgiveness and acceptance. I can’t kiss Vegan and I didn’t hug her. She hugged me though. I stepped on the toe of her boot and put my leg back.

When I was making out with the climber in October–the very first time that we did–we did all kinds of kissing and such. It lasted over 3.5-hours. We had paused and I was running the tips of my fingers up her back and down the sides of her face. She asked me to do that more. I asked her, “I wonder why our teeth never hit?’ She said, “I think when we’re both riding skateboards, kissing while going down a hill, they will.” We both laughed, and kissed more. Chemistry is a real thing and you’ll never be able to get reductive and analyze all the factors behind it. She and I have it. Indoor ice climbing would have been very fun on Monday night. Damn pinky! All that being said, the nice guy got COVID and is out until Wednesday. I’m making making the climber coffee and bringing her milk and sugar. Just us in the car if it all works out!

Vegan and I talked about our marriages. It’s helpful to have her as a friend. Her marriage petered out. Mine was fraught with unpredictability wherein she’d move out or quit jobs.

My wife was like a beautiful and less violent version of my Dad. I have to be completely honest with myself that is either: 1) normal for me, or something that 2) I’m attracted to. I know that my ex-wife is beautiful. She’s tall and has a killer body. She lives 12-hours away with her mother and I don’t have to see her. I would have a lot of trouble when she’s in a normal mood cycle not touching her. Her shirt rode up the last time that we truly spoke in June and I ran my fingers lightly up her back over her incredibly faded tattoo of a character from “Moondreamers.” Not cool. We’d filed three-weeks earlier. Chemistry is real.

Regarding other redheads… If I run into the 5’9″ one again, I’ll kiss her. She seemed pretty cool. She goes out in a group with her friends occasionally.

I’m looking for partners and liaisons. The former would need to be women who are those with whom I have intimacy, and the latter would be those with whom I hang out with and don’t get completely naked. I can add some friends too.

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Little Updates

I think that the fracture was mostly at the top joint. There is a smaller one down the side. It’s healing though which is good. It’s almost a week. At 6:30 tonight, it will be just that–one week. I’m not going too nuts. I don’t love not being able to plank, but I’m not completely crazy.

It’s the third one that I have broken. When I graduated with my two Bachelor’s in 1997, my left ring finger was taped to my pinky on a tongue depressor. I caught a basketball pass incorrectly playing pickup three-on-three. It looks funny wherein I am shaking the President’s hand with my other hand injured in my cap and gown picture. Then in 2015 or 16 my dog ran one way while I was picking up my wife’s (ex now) dog’s poop and she snapped my right ring finger. Three fingers, so I know and don’t need to do the $60 co-pay. I’ll rehab it too. Our new Occupational Therapist at my main site is so cool, so I’ll ask her about it when I start doing hand strengthening.

I am not going to stay with this league. I paid for March and April for the old one. I had fun in the summer kickball and really these huge men are a bit strong for me to hang–especially in dodgeball. I also don’t like this team manager. She’s rude and kinda stuck up. I’m going back to what I knew. I played on a Meet Up kickball league about 10-years-ago and there was one guy who pitched as hard as he could. I blew my quad kicking it.

I have to expect that playing sports causes injuries. I just want to be a little more circumspect. I do want to keep playing rec sports though.

I have been walking and biking. It’s a little difficult to bike over bumps because of my pinky and pain, but I’m getting it done. I had fun at the Mardi Gras party that I went to last night, and am looking forward to seeing my teammates and my colleague tonight at the cowboy bar. I’m being social and as active as I can injured. I also have practiced guitar three times. I think that I’m doing as well as I can. I hope that my son can stop lying about vaping, and have told him–as I caught him again–that it was the last time that is happening in the house if he wants to live here. We’ll see. It’s nice again, so I’m going to add to my biking right now. Hopefully, I will meet a nice woman tonight. I’m super behind on that goal.

  1. Calm and cool – Absolutely
  2. Spend less – Moderate progress as the convention and being away from my house set me back
  3. Do you – yep, and helping others
  4. Lift like a girl – damn pinky; another setback
  5. Healthy alcohol consumption – check! Only three over the course of 4.5 hours with massive amounts of food at the Mardi Gras Party
  6. Get big – I am bigger, but have a small injury setback currently. Thursday – now: 30,058 steps & 13 miles cycling
  7. Love / Connect / Lead with Heart – Check
  8. Sing – Check
  9. Play guitar – Moderate progress
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Quickie

Nope.

I had a ton of fun at dodgeball. I did get hit in the butt, and it stung! Then, I got hit the face, which was really sucky. Then I saw my fifth penis. Yikes. I went outside and changed into a long sleeved shirt in my car and realized that I’d left my water bottle on the court. It’s so, so cold, so that much in and out of cars and buildings made me have to pee, and I went to do that and the ref was peeing. Embarrassing. Terrifying.

I went to the cowboy bear bar and talked with a woman on the opposing team. It was so cool because I worked at her school in 2009! She’s like a success story. She got out of a terrible neighborhood, was never parented and really raised her brother. We had a great talk, and her teammates were very cool. I don’t have many gay guy friends because sometimes they act strangely effeminate which strikes me as disingenuous or they get loaded and feel you up. Then they say that they just like breasts and aren’t into you. I don’t like that. No problem on Sunday night though and I had fun. Our team manager actively flirts with me. She is a good hugger. She is really overweight and a child though, so definitely not a love interest.

I told my other colleague who does a similar job to me that I keep getting hit on by men when I ate lunch with her yesterday. That was much of the night when we had to move venues Saturday for our prowl. She told me that I should basically switch hit. I said that I have only ever seen 5 penises and love men, and it’s not a sexual thing for me. I don’t think that she understands, which is fine.

I think that the climber has missed over three-days of work. She really hasn’t worked a ton in January. She must be hot and heavy with a new partner. I know that she doesn’t sleep much. Again, I wouldn’t have gone out of my way to interact with her yesterday anyway, but it’s odd how she was gone an extra day for her birthday weekend, we didn’t work mid-week that week anyway, and then missed Thursday, Friday and Monday. If she’s now sick, that is really sick. When I was in my twenties, I used to get sick and missed work. I’ve rarely missed any work at all in the last 8-years. My immune system is really good too. I attribute much of that to this:

I also take a multivitamin and 4300 grams daily of high grade fish oil. I think those are my sweet spot. Did you know that fungus covers our earth? Taking an immune enhancing mushroom blend is honestly helpful. Watch this TED talk if you’re incredulous:

Blew my mind.

I don’t miss work, because I don’t get sick. I’ve never had COVID although I’ve had super direct exposure. I like good food, sleep and exercise too, which likely helps. I’m getting so excited to meet women next week and be away from work. I’m going to cook on Sunday afternoon and bring food to work on Monday to thank staff for actively screening kids for mental health problems that we can address. It will be a nice way to kick off my week next week, and then it’s four-days of convention! Woo-hoo.

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Pools

I went to work yesterday and was what has become my emotional and behavioral baseline which is a bit nervous, and altered into worry because she wasn’t there nor was her commuting partner. My work partner is back finally after, honestly, almost dying, so I went to her office for several minutes too.

I should probably tell that story. There is a chance that if I stuff it and don’t write about it that I’ll have weird dreams or parts will come out in conversation.

My son and I went touristy caving in August. It was a long, long drive. I’ve worked with one of my work partners for going on 6-years. She and I have never been super close, but we have a great working relationship. Her Dad got very sick last April and had to go to the Mayo Clinic. He had so many blood clots a the time. She hates driving. I don’t love it and don’t enjoy being in a car, but I’m a good driver. My son and I were having dinner with her in August and she said that she needed to see her Dad but couldn’t drive and my son said, “We’re going there in two-weeks and can take you,” and she was so grateful. The initial leg of our trip was way out of the way and on the way back we asked her to meet us near another highway to reduce time and mileage. It all worked out. However, her Dad died just under two-months later because he actually had fast-progressing cancer.

Then she became suicidal. She drank hard alcohol, didn’t drink water (You HAVE to drink water here because it’s so dry.) and stopped eating. I took her food and also dropped off food for her daughter. She kinda stopped parenting last fall. She came back to work and off leave and went promptly home after a couple of hours. Then she was drunk for our next several phone calls. Finally, I gave her an ultimatum. Go into rehab or I’m dispatching a welfare check. She was hospitalized for 6-days. She’s getting lots of bills. However, she’s alive. In a training that I lead one line that I learned is “I’d rather have you mad at me, than dead at me.” We’re friends now. So weird.

When I went out into the hall I saw the climber–so glad that she was at work–and said, “Happy New Year, _____,” and thought fuck it, so I hugged her close and tight in the hallway. Easy to get away with that stuff under the guise of 2023. So nice. A little later I said that I wanted to show her my tattoo. It is finally finished. It was done later in the month in 2013 and some on the top of my hips hurt like hell, so I never finished it. (That area hurt again too. Ribs are ok, and body fat is not on me.) We went back to my office and then four people were there. Of course they were. I’m going to ask her Monday if I can take her out to dinner for her birthday next Monday and then I can show it to her in my car or something. I just want to make plans for this month. She invited me to a community dance last night, and I just don’t feel confident about that yet. I need to get lessons squared away. She also said that I should do a sing along at her house sometime. I could go for that. I’m getting way better chording on this guitar that I bought.

I led an hour-long training yesterday afternoon for everyone. I couldn’t even look at her. So, she got one of the notebooks that I brought and some colored pencils and drew. She’s so cool. After my training and after our meeting was done, I gave her the unopened bag of Bark Thins and the one that had been opened and asked her take it to her house. I think that she has five roommates in her giant house that she owns. She handed me back the unopened one and I told her please that my son doesn’t need it and needs to lose weight. She thanked me.

I need a new pool. One of my bosses was talking shit to me on Tuesday because he’s been out on all kinds of dates and I have had one in the last two weeks. I said, “Yeah, you swipe,” and he said, “No, I met her on Facebook.” Don’t know how the Facebook dating app is different than swiping, but ok. You’re better at pool and bowling than I am and you win on dating. I just need a big pool.

Goddess of the cyclist/hiker hear me! Where is that pool?

I’m excited for a convention next month. My old friend who moved back to California may come too. She asked me to send her a picture from my wedding via text, and I said, “No way.” Then I realized it was super rude so I texted that I was divorced. She felt so badly that she didn’t know, so she said she’d come next month for the convention. We spoke and she said that she can get funding for the Conference, so we may connect there. I’m excited to network at the convention and maybe have a long distance hiker and biker.

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Exciting reconnection

My best friend is a musician. She is also very, very extroverted. During the height of the first COVID summer my ex-wife and I were in her backyard with another couple drinking and eating cheese and veggies. I had brought a beautiful bottle of Rosé, and it was good, and the bottle and stopper were gorgeous. I was drinking. My ex-wife doesn’t drink at all. Awkward doesn’t scratch the surface. One of the women with whom she’d performed in an amazing canyon the summer before just has dark energy. Her partner sat mostly quietly. My ex-wife wanted to leave when we got there. That wasn’t unique.

My best friend was having a concert this October and it was going to be at the partner’s house. Not sure when the couple broke up. I’ll find out soon. The concert was fairly inexpensive, but the people she’d invited couldn’t afford it, so it was cancelled. My best friend was disappointed because she really wants me to be connected with this woman. Last Wednesday, my best friend had lunch with her and she told her to give her my number. Not sure why my best friend wasn’t down for that, but she sent us a connection email.

Here is what I wrote back to the connection email:

“Hi, ___,

Do you hike or cycle?

Kindly,

______.”

Several days later I got back the cutest email. She doesn’t remember me. When you’re in partnership that’s exclusive and you live together it has an effect on what you see, connect to, and are open with in terms of others. I sent her a picture of a glass wine stopper because she had complimented the bottle two-years ago–my God, it will be three in July, and now that I’m thinking about it, I think that bottle is in my son’s room with a plant in it, but I wanted her to have a visual of something she’d said to me then. She had given me her number in the cute email, so we’ve exchanged lots of texts Monday through yesterday. I wasn’t heavily flirtatious or anything, but we’d just made plans so I wanted to her to have the knowledge that we did indeed meet almost three years ago so I sent that picture.

She had said in her email that she’d like to get a drink/coffee/hike/bike. I made hiking plans with her for Sunday. I actually can’t wait! She’s really cute. Reddish, blondish hair, large blue eyes. I can’t remember, but I do think she’s taller than me which is my historical norm. I want: great conversation, and two hugs. I want the last hug to be tighter and closer. Of course, I’ll get what I want and that’s exercise. I need a woman with whom I can hike and bike who I think is attractive. I don’t necessarily need to be taught something from a woman such as climbing or dancing, because it creates a power differential, which I don’t think is super healthy with someone who you kiss.

The climber is all stressed out. When I see her on Thursday at the tail end of my work party, I’m just going to give her a hug and read her energy. She had to make an appointment for Thursday and I thought that it was going to be Monday, but the person helping her with legal navigation with her ex wasn’t available on Monday. I don’t have any expectations for Thursday and have loved our last four times together with the exception of her worrying that I want to be her girlfriend after the ballet. I don’t want a girlfriend/partner.

I tell everyone the same thing. I don’t want to live with anyone, I don’t want a marriage, and I never want financial entanglements. I don’t have the energy that is required in exclusive love relationships. I also have come to a decision that like your friends, you can have girlfriends that you like to do different things with: go to dog parks, potlucks, adventures, dress-up dates, hikes, etc. I really don’t even have enough experience yet to know all the possibilities. I will tell you that after I broke up with my ex who is likely dying that I went straight into another partnership and was convinced of a “one.” That is nauseating bullshit. I’m not everything for anyone and why would there be for me?

I’m not afraid of commitment. I could be with two or three different women and those could be the ones who I see. I do think that when sex occurs that I’ll go back to therapy. The climber was super relieved that I’ve had a date since she belayed me and that I had asked out another woman who said life was hectic right now. I’m not sure what she was thinking, but I don’t want to talk about other women with women and she said that she wants to hear that stuff. I won’t give details unless I’m asked though, because I don’t want repeats of what I had in 2010 listening to a woman bitch about another woman she is intimate with, because that doesn’t work for me. Again, when things progress physically, I will get a new therapist.

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Push it

Not Salt and Peppa. I’m trying to force myself to go to a new bar in two-hours. My son and I did our community walk this morning, and then I did some deep cleaning of some items. I ate some food and biked nearly five-miles. I did a group ride of 8-miles and biked about 5-home, so I feel good about exercise today.

Tomorrow I’m doing a new abs routine. I want to do that and arms once a week. I don’t need a legs day. One time my Dad said, “Your legs look like a guy’s.” I’m glad.

The CEO had scary piano legs. Probably not much that you can do about that because it’s genetic.

My left leg was crushed in 1988 so the shin is really crooked, but I’m still fit. I just have a small left leg. When I was doing telesurveys in 1997 the creepy, tiny, overly developed ex-boxer told his partner, “Her legs don’t match.” Well, no shit, you little shit! My right leg is actually phenomenal. My ex wife called me “long thighs.” I have a knee muscle and four muscles on my calf. Again, don’t need a legs routine.

The arms are really coming back and I’m happy about that. Stomach. Sad. When my leg was crushed, and my pelvis in three pieces, the triage team was concerned that I had internal bleeding so they cut through my abdominal wall quickly in the vertical which left a large pink scar that I can’t tattoo over like I’ve done with my compound fracture scar on my tiny left leg. Makes for difficulty sculpting my stomach, but I’m motivated. What does Kevin Spacey say when his family male neighbor asks about his fitness goals? Oh, yes, “I want to look good naked.”

Back to the bar and pushing myself out. My friend had COVID all week, so she can’t do anything for three more days and then has to mask for 6 more days. We’ll prowl on December 29th. Yay. Monthly prowls.

However, I should go sing at the new bar, right? Maybe I’ll get an Uber. I’m writing and drinking. I was excited that they had karaoke by my house, and I called to confirm and he told me that the KJ now does it at a different bar. I need to go right? I had a couple of short conversations on the ride, so I don’t know if I will. I know that I should, but it’s not likely.

I might just cook four portions of food and hang. My brother would be 39 tomorrow. So, so sad. I would happily split the proceeds of the house less the realtor 10%, the 75K to the ex-wife and such. I wish that I had family close. My aunt took care of my parents’ house until my Mom died and then she moved 3-weeks later. I miss her too. Glad that I have my cousin half-an-hour away. It doesn’t matter if we don’t see each other for months, as we can just talk and talk, and talk.

Yikes. One beer and I’m really, really slowed down. I’m kid-free, but probably not going out tonight. The new bar can wait. If my friend didn’t have COVID, I would prowl though. I only need one short adult conversation everyday anyway, and I talked to three people for probably 20-minutes total during the ride. I biked 2/3 of the way home with this nice guy too. I hope to see him again. I love bro time. That’s all I need. A little adult convo, some bro time, and I’m usually ok. I just wonder if I should solo prowl and push myself. I just did the online Magic 8 Ball. “Should I force myself to go out?” “Don’t count on it.” Done. Not pushing it.

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Chill

My best friend from work who I worked for 2001 through 2005 told me “Good luck today” via text and I texted back “Calm and Cool.” We rolled in roughly the same time and I beelined to my office and sat there for fifteen minutes going through 82 emails when the intercom with our Boss’ voice said “Meeting at 8:10.” I strolled in at 8:09 and they were already meeting. After a pause a colleague said, “Did you cut your hair? It looks great.” She swiveled around in her chair at the Conference Table and I looked straight ahead at our boss after saying thank you to the colleague. I could feel her looking at me. I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t notice her clean, long, blond hair and the way she had it tied back with the purple highlights showing when I strolled in at 8:09. When the meeting ended, I was the first one out the door. 10-minutes later she came into the office with my office mate and they were catching up. I had materials that were delivered to this building that I had to put in my car, so I ducked out. My other workmate who has the adjacent office was kinda leering into the office so I said, “Be right back” to him, and put the materials in my car and came back to the office and she was gone as was my office mate.

Around 8:45 she was going into her office wherein I was doing my morning routine of trips to rid myself of coffee that I really need to work and met her gaze in the hallway. I said, “Hi,” and she gave me the best, large smile and said, “Hello.” She had faded makeup on her eyes and looked super hot. I’m sure that I smiled large back at her.

At 9:30, she came into the large room at the front of my office that I share and was talking to our colleague and then she came in. She sat down and when I turned, our legs were really close together like they were on Halloween. We talked and her vacation wasn’t great. Mine really was. I said, “You should have pinged me!” She said, “You could have… All my housemates were sick all at different times, and I didn’t want to expose anyone.” The beginning of her sentence didn’t elude me. Yay. I asked her if we could go to one of those smashing places or throwing axes and she said that she was down. My officemate came in shortly after that. She took her leave.

I eat lunch with a colleague most Mondays, and did so today, and when I got back to my desk I had two texts. They were from her! “Lunch?” Several minutes later, “Want to get pizza?’ DAMMIT. I usually try to be a little screen free here and there. I texted an apology and later that I was sorry to miss an opportunity to connect. After work was over, I walked down the hall and she was in her office. She asked if I wanted to go to the ballet and that made me so happy because I had asked her on the 11th if she’d go to play, ballet, or symphony with me sometime as I had a nice cocktail dress. Her commuting partner came in shortly afterward, so I texted her tonight. Stay tuned, ya’ll.

It’s good to 1) not be weird, 2) avoid reading into anybody’s behavior, and 3) to be chill after you’ve had little contact.

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I wrote this the last day of 2012

I want to focus on what I want and what I’m looking for, but will start with a preface that it doesn’t mean that it’s not in my current relationship.  We are just new…  Eight-days shy of 7-months and both equally independent and busy.  I’d rather reflect on I want and as everyone seems to say these days, “Put it out into the universe,” which I think comes from that somewhat Eastern movement on the law of attraction and what one is interested in for focus. So, at least for today, I will blog about what I value.

  • That’s stupid.  Be what you want.  You’ll attract people who you want to spend time with, and don’t count dates.  There could be shitty dates and exciting dates.  I’m glad that I’ve not seen or heard from the CEO in YEARS.  Who cares that I spent 7-months exclusively dating her?  Shame on me for trying to force a long-term relationship with someone so mean.

I love being outside and feeling the sun on my skin.  I love the way that water sounds when it is unsettled either from the tide or when it is disturbed by a motor and laps against an embankment.  I also like the noise water makes when it is rushing when the table in a river is up. Being on top of a mountain and feeling the wind cover your body while you look literally at the world makes you feel small and like you don’t really have a single problem.  When you come down and laugh full of natural endocannabinoids from your summit and have a burger and a beer, you have never felt so happy. Snowshoeing up to a glacier lake and working your legs give me a whole feeling too, and again, I love afterward to share a meal with someone who I love and can laugh with about anything.

  • Yep, those things are still very, very good.  I have gaiters now too and know how to self-arrest with an ice axe, so I should bundle up and go soon.  Not solo though.  That’s stupid.  Love is expansive.  I love lots of people.

I love to cook when I come home, and if my day has been awful, I also open a beer and drink while I prepare a meal.  I love to throw dinner parties and hear my friends laughing in my kitchen and enjoy pieces of their conversations. Music is my soundtrack and I break out into song with good friends or make references to song lyrics all the time.  I want to get back into practicing guitar and can’t wait until my son picks up an instrument!  He is dancing now, and although I can’t, I love to watch him dance because his energy takes on a life of its own and he is expressing himself.  In a woman, I find dancing sensual and appealing because you can see things in her that you didn’t see before, and I love novelty.

  • Still love to cook.  Don’t have the need for a large dinner party, but my birthday party when I turned 48 was fun with my neighbors, my old work husband and his wife and my son.  I do need to practice guitar.  Teenagers don’t do anything.  At least he is dating a cheerleader now, so maybe he’ll dance again.  Been thinking about taking some dance lessons, actually.  I continue to have a thing for dancers and athletes.

Adventure is critical for me, and it can be simple adventures like the good memory that I have holding hands crunching through the snow and then naked hot tubbing under the stars–it’s like a pleasant surprise to have romantic things like that unfold and is the ultimate expression of one’s chemistry with another person.   I love to travel and see new places.  I love meals that are well prepared and looking at art.  It would be really cool to see a new city and rent a bike and race around on it to discover tons of it quickly and then be able go back on foot holding a woman’s hand and feel the air on our faces while we look over the scenery that we took in quickly and now want to take in more fully, and at a slower rate.  It could be a preview from the bike with a return on foot because walking and hiking are some things that I also value.

  • I can add to that walking on the beach and getting frisky.  That was fun too.  I went all over Mount Desert Island in June on a rented bike and it was phenomenal.  Gonna do that next June around the whole rim at Crater Lake, and I want to boat to Wizard Island.

I taught myself how to ride a bike when I was eight, and I still feel youthful when I ride my pos Mt Bike down the street, trails or on a singletrack. I can race it as hard as I want or just glide down hills.  I love the wind rushing on my face and going for hours.  I feel strong and alive when I watch the clouds and the afternoon wane on while I’m on my bike.

  • I bike to work everyday except for Mondays.  I have to drive on Mondays.  I have a police bike now and a road bike.  I donated that POS.  I LOVE cycling.

Quality of light is important for me too.  The moon casts a beautiful sheen across lakes, and the angle of the sun on a woman’s face at different times of day shows her beauty outdoors.  Seems that I value being outside, using my body, cooking and eating, and connecting and laughing–all of these things are made better if you share them with a beautiful woman.  I think that I do attract these things, so I must be lucky.

  • Still have fortuitous circumstances unfold in the dark. The climber held me on a climber under moonlight when I told her that my ex-partner is either dying or waiting for a transplant and that my son and I will have to motor to NC at some point because of that.

When I think of my son, I value that he is thriving, feeling well, and learning a lot.  Love of nature, being well and whole, and learning as much as he can from mentors should be his focus until he is ready to leave our house.  When one is balanced, he can give unto others, which is probably the only “Christian” value that makes sense to me.  In addition to being glad that he is enjoying sports, getting excellent grades in music, I am most grateful that he is regarded as the most kind and appreciative of diversity by his current teacher.  I hope that if I am lucky enough to add children to our family with a partner, that this virtual child is able to feel well, be outside, learn and truly share.

  • I don’t want any more children.  I hope that my son will be ok when he’s 25.  I drug test him weekly–it was hot today–and he gets a flip phone going as soon as the GPS that he has to carry that I’ll be subscribing to as a service is here and working.  Children are an active or psychic burden until they have a working brain.

I’m thinking that these desires and wants are what I value most, and my partner could make it more powerful.  When I imagine this partner, I am outside with her and we are having one night away.  It wouldn’t have to occur much, but I would value it when it did. She and I could maybe have a meal on a deck near Clear Creek in Buena Vista and have to sit very close together so that we would be able to hear each other and then we could hold hands while the sun sets. She’d make me laugh a lot and I would be taken in completely by her eyes.  We could leave the doors to the deck open so when we made love you could hear that deafening roar of the water in the bg.  That kind of connection while in nature is important to me and my meaning, as is going back to our kids and enjoying them after we had a night away like this one, because I think that meaning too, comes from raising a family together and meeting the challenges of parenting together as a concerted team.

  • I don’t want a partner.  I don’t want financial entanglements.  I am a complete sucker for green, hazel and blue eyes.  I love to laugh and will look forward to some fun sex when the time is right.  I don’t want to raise my son with anyone.  I want him to stabilize and get his act together.  My parents were not a concerted team, and I can’t think of an example of that with any of my friends.  I’m lucky that mine will be out of the house in July of 2024.  Then I can re-read this entry and see what’s shifted.  Love of parts of Colorado will never shift.
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New Chapter

I worked through a lot of things in this blog, and so I am not going to write here any longer.  I’ll leave it up for another year, and then will take it down.  I’m going to start a brand-new blog as me.  I happily abandon dating, despair, pretending that I can work with women with whom I’m not compatible, and needing self-of-therapist activities nearly everyday.  I thank all of my readers and those who stopped by to Like a post.  I appreciate everything that you imparted to me over the last two-years.  It’s now time for me to write anything that I want to as myself.

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Engagement

I gave her a playlist on a CD, and a pink journal to write her dreams in and also things for our wedding.  I had taken what I remember from seeing her through my friend’s FB and then finally meeting her in July of 2012 for the words, and then songs that I listened to during the torturous part of 2013 before we finally got our timing together.  Before we left, we made love, and were able to reflect on the holiday season and the time that we had with her sister who surprised the family with a visit.  We had an incredible time with her listening to hair rock and playing Super Nintendo’s Super Mario World.  It was a retro fest of love.

Her sister drove home on Friday–which takes about 11-12 hours, and afterward we cleaned out our pantry after I had brought my dog back from the dog park.  We had to drive back to her kick-ass apartment and pack it.  Her mother and her mother’s boyfriend are in GA and left their SUV, so we were able to basically get everything down to our house.  I don’t think that there is much left, and we hung some shelving and got things into the pantry.  It was a really busy day before we left to get engaged.

We drove two-and-a-half hours, and then soaked in springs until night fall.  The first night was cloudy, but it was very nice.  The stars were phenomenal the second night.  We took a small hike today.  I love her.  I love being engaged.  I love starting my life on stable ground.

View from the trailhead

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Adjustments

We’ll be making them winter through the spring, I would imagine.  I’m excited to sleep with her every night and not just for physical reasons, but because I wake up a lot earlier when she is not here because I wonder what she’s doing.  It is nice that we both sleep well next to each other given our level of trust that we have for each other.

I had a long day yesterday.  I wasn’t done with work until 6 and then I had to drive to our church because my son had to learn his percussion part for the Christmas services.  The woman with whom I had that emotional affair was there and she looked tired given that she is going through a brutal divorce.  At the end of the night, I hugged her super tight and told her that I was sorry.  I’m not sure that she has been held like that.  It made me think that my partner and I have something really special.  We hold each other tight all the time, and I don’t think that is something that everyone gets.

Apparently, the woman who my partner had half-heartedly tried to date exclusively who she met when she was ending her relationship called her last night too.  I was thinking that it was probably around the time that I had hugged the woman at church.  She told me that she would have to call me back when I called her because this woman was really sick.  When I say that it’s not because she is having surgery, but it’s because she has a condition that is degenerative.  While that is really too bad, I was fuming.  I don’t want her calling my partner because she had every chance in the world to treat her right and was awful.

I told my partner that it was a weird boundary and was gamey.  I asked her to text her that I needed her tonight and that she should reach out to her friends.  I guess that she had told her that the news was so awful that she wanted to tell her instead, because they “weren’t in each other’s lives anymore.”  Whatever.  You had your chance, and you were a shit who wanted side relationships, so there you are.  You got nothing. And honestly, it’s because your foundation was nothing but some open stuff that my partner needed to get space between her and her serious girlfriend–who also called her last night.

I remember nights that I’ve had like this one.  You know when your exes would come out of the woodworks and try to connect with you, and typically it was when I was either dating someone new or having some shifts within myself that propelled me toward wake-ups within myself.  I think that when you’ve been physically intimate with someone more than once, you have a collective of energy between you that can result in universal shifts when you are having new experiences.  That is an adjustment as well.

Here is what I took away that was new:

  1. We honestly don’t fight
  2. My partner is the nicest person who I know
  3. She has fewer exes than me because girls would never want to let her go
  4. I’m looking forward to learning how to encourage her to make this relationship work for her
  5. Timing does it’s own thing and you cannot wield it directionally
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Reflections

I only have three-days of work left and then I go on a fairly long vacation.  It will be nice, given the disruptions to my doctoral process, and because I’m adjusting to my new life.  I’m thinking about how grateful I am again this morning, because I have begun my life with a woman who simply fits into mine by just moving into it.  She doesn’t ask me to defend the way that I do things, but gently comes forward and is accommodating rhythms that we had, yet she adds to them.  Enhancement and comfort is her way and I love it.

I read over my About page on WordPress and realized that it can’t be reworked.  I just need to rewrite it because everything that I’m doing is so new.  I have this amazing partner whose pictures still make me say, “My God, she is so hot,” and yet given our intimate connection when we talk, laugh, and make love, I know that I will not ever date again.  I’m glad too, because I was really sick of dating.

She’s mine.  I can’t believe that, but she is truly mine.  (These kind of assertions make me realize that I will never be Buddhist.)

Tomorrow night we will finally get our tree.  We didn’t sleep together last night, but of course we talked, and I was able to sleep well this time even without her with me last night.  I just sleep better with her there.  I never had a solid night of sleep with my ex.  I guess one time we slept late–until 8–in my bed, but she was so wound up all the time and also needed the tv on so that she could distract herself into falling asleep.  We were just incompatible.

When someone is as gentle as my partner is, you just relax, get warm and sleep.  After talking to me, she was able to get me where she can when we are in bed together.  I was just warm and drifting off to sleep.  I appreciate her way.  I’m lucky to bask in her light and love.

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Coffins

I’ve had some funny and non-coincidental things come up in the last week.  I’ve experienced some really weird stuff with respect to my doctorate, and I had some account fraud in my checking account.  However, it’s funny to me that those things are not really bothering me too much because there is a solidarity that I’ve never experienced as a result of being with my partner.  We picked up our rings last night, because we go away to the mountains in a couple of weeks so we can get engaged.  I have a surprise for her at the spa,  but I’m not going to write about it here, because when she’s not busy, she reads my blog.  🙂

I was up Thursday fairly early, because I cook for my mental health partner who has a four-month-old every Thursday when we share our office.  I was peeling carrots and cutting them up with celery, garlic, and onions and I got a picture from my ex.  She had broken her arm severely and had a caterpillar of stitches down the arm.  It looked awful.  We texted back and forth a little bit and the timing of them had a funny moment.  She asked about the artist and I said, “OMG, no.  She’s a nice person, but not for me,” and she responded, “Women can’t live with them, can’t kill them.”  Then I followed up my text having not read hers yet and told her about my upcoming engagement.  She wants to meet her.  I will not drive up there, and I wouldn’t invite her down here, so unless we run into each other, it’s not going to happen.  So odd.

I guess that one of my friends is right.  She can’t stand an unfavorable impression from anyone.  I just think that she exercised a lot of her rage and discomfort with the way of things that did not sit well with her, toward me.  Although I have called her the queen of displacement and projection, I don’t have anything that lingers in terms of a reaction.  It was a past, and I still learned four good things from her given our dating.  That’s it.  But, I don’t desire a friendship in the slightest.  We are just cool.

I saw the artist’s second son last Saturday.  He is a such a neat kid.  It was wonderful to connect with him and his father who is married to another friend of mine.  My son asked about her younger boys yesterday.  I may shoot her an email and invite them to his birthday party at the end of next month.  I’m not going to make a definite decision about that though until well after the holidays.  She and I just don’t work and are in different places.  I think that I confused timing with the right friend.  It was timing with this friend who is cooking veggies and eggs right now.

Death of things is not final.  After the coffin is closed, there is life around because of the mark of others.  I’m grateful for closed doors and the green and new of my journey.

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My slow path to introversion

My Dad moved us all the time.  I went to five elementary schools.  I think that there were a total of 13 different rentals that we lived in prior to buying our house, and in a universal sick thing, my brother was killed after we had lived in the house that was bought just a bit over a year.  I think that everyone’s childhood is a bit messed up, so I don’t think that I have the corner market, but I sure have changed now that I’m middle aged.

My son asked me last night how many years I have left, and having seen a Vedic Astrologer in 2008, I just told him that number and then I realized that I have fewer left than I’ve had.  I have changed the basic structure of my personality too, which certainly gives me pause.  I’ve also become less dominant in general.

I had to make new friends all the time.  So, I talked to everyone, but I also listened.  I developed the persona that I could talk to anyone, and I did.  I think that this particular trait came in handy especially when I was selling software or CDs.  (I loved that job at the record store.)  I participated in class, I did forensics, I sought some leadership positions, and in college, I realized that I was only a mediocre actor, so I began *attending* the theater instead of trying out.  I figured, at the time, that was my litmus test.  I was truly an extrovert, because I wasn’t a good actor.  It was interesting to me that contrary to most popular beliefs, actors are introverted.

I was talking with my partner last weekend after I did the announcements at church.  I stumbled a bit in the earlier morning service and found the crowded 11:00 am service much easier.  She figured it was practice effects, and I told her that while that was true, much of it was crowd size.  Larger group, easier for me to feel less pressure and intimacy.

So, that’s it.  I was terrified of deep intimacy and being isolated.  I moved to a minuscule town in the midwest for my first grad degree and if I didn’t teach that day and participate in class, I heard no human voice, as those were the days of calling cards and land lines for long distance.  I got much better at being alone, and then I got really good at being alone when I booted out my ex-husband, had my coming out affair, and many friends stopped interacting with me.  These days, I talk to a new person if I have to, but mostly I work.  On nights like last night, I miss the lanky swell of my partner’s body in our bed.  I can connect deeply, openly, and honestly with her.  But, that’s about all that I want, because I don’t want an entourage, but seek things that help my family be solid and happy.

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Conflict and Timing

We don’t have them.  A little more than a month ago, I had intended to explore fully a more solid friendship than I had with my partner.  So, after my latest dating stint ended, I texted a woman with whom I had an emotional affair, and then my one-who-got-away.  She didn’t get away.  She’s my partner.  We are going to get engaged in December.

I have not fought well or communicated well with my girlfriends.  To date, I have not had a fight with my partner.  There was a moment when we could have fought and fought badly.  Instead she asked me some honest questions and cried a little.  I sat on it for a couple of days, made a plan, did all of it, and asked her if my decision was ok.  And it was for her.  We just get each other and respect each other as well.  We did a communication meeting last night, and we decided that what we really do well is talk about things which are difficult and be nakedly vulnerable.  I know that is a good start.

At work today, my office partner who also works with kids and families in mental health told me that she saved the very first chat that she had over old school IM with her now husband.  She said that the whole thing is embarrassing to both of them now, because they were trying to show favorable sides to each other.

I liked that my partner also saved our original exchanges.  About three weeks ago, my partner made a document in Word called, “_______ and ______: A Lovestory,” and it started with my first FB message which said, “Nice to finally meet you in person, _______ .”  I told her that I wanted to help her move so she could see how strong I was.  At that point, nearly 18-months ago, I was off with my ex and stayed off until that August when we tried to date for two months.  I would have loved to dated my partner, but we weren’t in the right places.

It begs the question, would she and I be fighting if we didn’t wait for our moment?  I’ve loved her since those damn swings, and I have been thinking that she was intriguing from the first time I saw her picture when our mutual friend showed me her years ago.  I can’t believe that we are together.  We get along extremely well and have spent most days together recently.  She’ll be back tomorrow and in a wonderful sense of synchronicity, the friend who is responsible for us being together, is in town and having dinner at our house.  That is good timing too.

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Puzzle

I can be overly concrete.  Typically, I get fired up too, which could be part of my genetic make-up given that I’m Italian on my Dad’s side, but some of it too, probably comes from the nurture side of the house.  Experts in neurological research say that part is 40% of who we are (our experiences and social learning) is how we are raised and environmental influences.  My father flew off the handle all the time, and because I was terrified that I was that way too, I tend to seethe.  Could be because I’m a Virgo-Scorpio 😉

I haven’t screamed in a long time.  I did in October of last year.  My ex was fucking with me.  At that point, we hadn’t had sex in about three-weeks, so she was chatting with me on the phone like she did once or twice a week.  She said, “We are just not priorities in each other’s lives right now,” during our chat.  But, I heard, “We are just not a priority in your life right now.”  I lost it.  It was pent up stuff that she had always projected on to me regarding how I didn’t hustle for her, didn’t meet her needs, and wasn’t right for her.  That is the last time that I raised my voice and was irrational.

I talked with my partner last night on the phone.  So funny, because it’s rare for us to not be sleeping next to one another now, but I just had to talk to her before I went to bed, so I did.  I’m prone to worry.  We both tended to agree that we won’t fight actively, but will instead have spats and little tense moments of speaking in mean tones, etc.  I need to tell her that what works when we are under stress is quiet for both of us.  One time we wound up being in bed an entire day and ate very little.  We had to power eat two meals nearly back to back and were both slightly edgy.  We took turns cooking parts of it while the other was pretty quiet and either wrote or listened to music.  Adding down time when we are stressed is good.  I also told her that we need a fighting journal.  She can write down her impact of stuff that I do and say, and then I can read and validate it.  Seems good.

I dated a woman pretty recently at the end of summer and the beginning of fall.  She is a mess and not consistent.  Those girls are attracted to me.  I’m boring and stable.  When she got withdrawn and did some push-pull, I just disengaged from her.  She was pretty and all that, but I want a lot more than good-looking.  I didn’t understand well, being concrete, why she meant much of anything to me.  Much of her was the idea of her–four boys and into me.  My son doesn’t even mention her kids, because he saw them twice, I think.  Anyway, I’m actually getting things now as I piece stuff together.

In a couple of vivid dreams that I had, my partner was in them.  In one dream, she was riding a horse in a stall on a grainy video shot when she was a child.  I closed my phone–I thought because it was a film of my ex-although the video was my partner, and at that time, I was not ready to be with my partner.  In another dream the woman who I dated tried to give me a gingery brown cat, and one of my readers asked what the cat meant.  It didn’t mean what I thought that it did, because it was my partner.  I wasn’t ready to tend to her quite yet.  I tried to give her back.

I have a friend who introduced the woman who I dated a bit.  She kept telling me that I was in love with this woman; although, I knew that I wasn’t, I danced with the idea that somebody had my heart.  She has.  She always has.  But, it was not the woman who I was with.  It was my partner.

Looking at her pictures on FB five or more years ago with our friend caused me to wish that she would move back home.  It was a pull.  It was a draw.  When she got off of the couch to shake my hand and flash that gorgeous smile of hers in the summer of 2012, I felt it everywhere.  We became good friends.  Now, we are where we are supposed to be.

We put together the frame of the picture in June of 2012, and I had started with some corner pieces and edges.  She filled in pieces of unusual size while she let me into her heart as a good friend.  Then we put the whole thing together when I told her, “I need to see how this feels,” while taking her by the hand, pulling her against me and then nuzzling the nape of her neck and kissing the notch at the base of her throat.  Everything is together.  I can see the picture.  I had posted a real picture in reference to the wrong woman in this blog, and only now do I know exactly what was on that horizon.

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Happened

It’s kinda scary when it finally happens.  You find someone who doesn’t criticize you when you don’t do something right and who supports you, because she actually does believe that love is unconditional.  I can remember my ex always saying, “Love isn’t enough,” and it really rankled me, because 1) I believe that it is, and 2) It was a harsh piece of evidence that she was breaking up with me from the get-go.  Not a way that I’d want to live.

I’m liking:

  1. Care and consideration
  2. Warm cuddles when we are together
  3. All the endless laughter about everything
  4. The way that she has always connected, and continues to connect with my son
  5. Our amazing sex life
  6. The way she treats and interacts with my son
  7. What we are building
  8. How much she nurtures and takes care of me
  9. When she sings and plays instruments
  10. Her eyes, body, mouth

That’s enough and more than I could have ever asked for.  I used to just want sexy, smart, and consistent.  Now, I’m with my dream.

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Fruition

I should probably be scared.  But, I’m not.  I have not been paralyzed with fear in nearly two-years.  I got through that phase of my life and am grateful to be here as a result of all the learning that I’ve done.

We talked on the phone for an hour last night, and then I didn’t want to lift weights.  She made me feel relaxed, loved, listened to, and appreciated.  I’m loving this relationship.  She had spent the night down here with us the night before, and I loved seeing her leave for work and knowing that she was mine.

I’m going to take her to dinner and a musical at one of the high schools where a boy who I work with attends next Saturday. When you’re queer, at times, you just move into an ltr, and that is definitely what I did.  I did that with my ex who I refer to as Bette, but otherwise, I have adopted organic development and flow.

Never thought that the timing would align and I would get my chance with her.  The circumstances don’t even particularly feel like a chance.  She is really smart, so when we talked after I got my Dear John email nearly three-weeks ago, she asked for my email address and sent me some information about planetary shifts that were occurring over that particular weekend.  I was hurt about the method of breakup from the woman who I had dated, so I confided what I wanted to say to her.  Then she said, “you’re a major catch and you deserve someone who treats you as such.”

Those were all the words of encouragement that I ever needed.  I was going to pursue her given those phrases being my green light.  Little did I know that in that particular email, when she scheduled a time with her Mom and boyfriend for us to cook and be together on a Saturday, she “knew that we’d be together by then.”  I like that.  I like that until I went there on the 8th of September–I didn’t know her Mom at that point because she and her ex-girlfriend had been housesitting for her and her Mom’s boyfriend–I had not let my more pointed crush begin.  I wanted to tell her that day that I wanted to be with her, but neither of us dealt with it that day.  It took six more weeks.  I’m so lucky that I didn’t let desire take me over when she was in a relationship.  Now, we will all be there at the house with her family, and we are as we should be.

  1. She’s confident
  2. She’s beautiful
  3. She is pure light
  4. Her mouth, body, and eyes are incredibly beautiful
  5. Her skin deserves its own category of reverence
  6. She’s bright
  7. She’s funny
  8. We have an amazing intimate connection
  9. She wants a real ltr
  10. She is not scared of conflict

Well, I’m sold.  There is no way that my 40th birthday will pass and I’ll not ask her to be my partner.  I would like to do that in July at some point.  I want it to have a reason behind the date…

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Getting here

We actually wound up talking every night following her leaving on Monday morning.  I haven’t done that before.  Ever.  With my ex, she would have truncated conversations with me while she drove home and most of the time shoot me a goodnight text, but if her day was particularly bad, she would say mean stuff to me or make accusations.  In other words, it was fine to NOT have  a goodnight call.

My girlfriend and I don’t run out of things to talk about, and we were like that when we were friends.  I reminded her that we have always been like that.   She would call to make some plans to see me, and we’d wind up talking for 45-minutes; although, she only had 15, and she would help me with things, and of course, as it is now, we’d laugh and laugh.

I’m leaning toward feeling like this path was the right timing, because we both learned some things that were non-negotiable from our last relationships.  We both want connection and passion.  We both want to be treated very well and cared for by the other.  The thing is that now that we both have it, we are given to long amounts of pause.  She wonders if she deserves it, and I wonder if I’ll do something stupid and she will just break up with me.  That’s what had happened with my ex, and that is what happened with the woman who I just dated.  I want us to talk.  I want to make compromises.

From what I can tell, the women with whom she has lived with have just kind of faded.  I think that this a common dynamic for the woman who is the nurturer.  I’m sure that it can happen in straight relationships too.  The thing is that I have this incredible amount of passion for her, I would not fade away from that, because I want to make love to her all of the time.  I get how that will shift a little when we live together, but I have wanted a deep connection like this one for so long.  I have also wanted to fall deeply in love.  I’m here now.

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She told me that she hasn’t really slept next to her girlfriends

We had an incredible night the night before last.  She’s been having some stomach aches that are deep.  There was a woman in a few of my grad classes when I first started this doctoral program who also had a NIA license, and she explained how when your middle chokra is off, you have been too affected by change.  My girlfriend told me that when I’m next to her, and holding her, that her stomach actually feels good.  It has been hurting for months, and she has had to change her diet.  When my son and I were leaving her house on Thursday, she said, “Now, my stomach is hurting again and when we were laying down together it was fine, so I guess that means that I am not supposed to stop cuddling you.”  I always wanted to cuddle her.  When my friend told me that she would be moving home, I looked at her FB and thought that she was so incredibly sexy, and then when I met her a few months later, my attraction to her was obvious.  Now, I need to know who she is and what she desires.

I’m learning about her.  She allows me to nurture and support her and doesn’t start tripping.  That makes me so damn happy, because I have had other girlfriends in the past that didn’t want me to do anything, and would freak the hell out when I did things that are normal for me–cook, put their jacket on, open a door, help them up, write out little cards, etc.  I’ve talked with her about it, and she sees it as willing to truly believe in your heart that you are worthy and deserve good treatment.  I don’t struggle with that as much anymore.  That is why I have not stayed with my last two full-on girlfriends, and the woman who I had just dated.  If you wanna go back and forth, get on a see saw.  If you’re not sure about me, I’ll just help you out and you can watch my little ass adjourn forever.

I understand that she wants to build something with a woman with whom she has a strong emotional, spiritual, and sexual connection, but I am hungry for understanding what she dreams about, and how she sees herself in two years.  Because I really just want to say, “Get a job down here.  Move in.  Let’s make a baby next fall,” and that is super frightening, I tend toward, “Let’s take this whole year and learn how to understand and communicate.  Let’s take a peek into what we both want next fall.”  Plus, she has a wonderful life where she is, so we need an understanding of how we should compromise as a couple.

Last night when we talked on the phone, we were talking about our night together.  We ate salmon, basmati, and asparagus.  Then I put the lentils that I had made for her with onions, garlic, celery, and carrots in a pyrex with a lid with a note on them.  I really don’t want her stomach to hurt anymore, so I have been cooking healing foods.  We talked a ton over dinner, cleaned up just a little, and then adjourned to the bedroom.  We made love for about 3-hours.  Then we slept, and did so pretty damn well.  She told me that she didn’t know if she’d be comfortable with me all night, and that she had never prior–although she has had partners with whom she has cohabited–slept well next to her girl.  ❤