Tag Archives: Balance

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Venus

I’ll write a little bit about my Houses 9 & 10, but my 11th House has my Venus placement so it’s more important in my chart.

My Saturn placement is in my 9th House. There isn’t anything else in that House. My Saturn is in Cancer, which like most of my chart is a water sign.

Saturn is the planet of responsibility and hard work. Those things are just me, so I knew that there had to be some importance in this house.

Also, the 10th House is that of Mental Exploration, which checks out because I love learning and researching.

A Saturn placement in this House means that I am contemplative and exhibit a desire to learn. The good point is that I have idealistic principles, and somehow I’ve overcome this position of the planet in my chart because there are usually obstacles and limitations in receiving an education (Woolfolk, 2001).

A Saturn placement here means that I overindulge–like in food and sex (Woolfolk, 2001). That’s maybe not wrong. It also means that I can see a task through completion and that I’m ambitious (Woolfolk, 2001). Again, that checks out. I was blown away that Saturn Cancerians often have to take on parental tasks at a young age–my mother was significantly disabled, so I helped a ton at home and with her too.

Like most people, my midheaven appears in my 10th House, which is the House of Career. (The midheaven can appear in the 9th through 11th houses, but my placement is most common.)

My career has been so important to me. I found this information from the software spot on as well. I’m simply going to quote it.

“Your work generates a sense of wellbeing in others. You career may run the gamut from banking to creative design, but you always have an impact on people’s lives. You offer comfort, security, emotional appeal and have a talent for touching the public’s heart. Happily, your skills are also financial. You pour brilliant imagination into moneymaking projects. You nurture what you create and make it grow into a booming enterprise” Woolfolk, 2008

Now, it’s my super complicated albeit accurate Venus placement.

My Venus is in Virgo, which is also my Sun Sign. (Venus moves into Virgo starting on Tuesday btw.)

There isn’t anything in my 11th House except my Venus placement.

The 11th House is the House of Friends, Hopes and Wishes.

This house is associated with long-term dreams and goals. It represents working together harmoniously with each individual illustrating his or her individual personality. This position is also one of organizations or clubs (Woolfolk, 2001). For some reason I was thinking about my teammates and also colleagues here.

Venus in Virgo are warned to be cautious about falling in love. Often the heart is given to the wrong person who will not appreciate the fine qualities. This placement is regarded for people who are intelligent, loyal and sympathetic (Woolfolk, 2001).

So, I have an Opposition, a Square, and thankfully a Sextile in my Venus.

An Opposition is thought of as a challenge to growth and achievement, and mine is with my Jupiter placement which is in Pisces. Given extreme feelings that I have I can become unhappy with love affairs (Woolfolk, 2001). The way that I’m dealing with this issue now post-divorce is when I have stumbling blocks that are not able to be addressed, I exit. That has been better than all the years that I’ve spent previously trying to fix something that just isn’t working.

A Square is challenging and stressful and if addressed a person can develop drive and strength of character.

My Venus squares with my Neptune placement which is in Sagittarius. This aspect is associated with disappointment in love, being victimized in relationships and difficulty making decisions (Woolfolk, 2001). I can see all of these features in past relationships. Since my divorce, I don’t tolerate being treated poorly. I want to seek mutually beneficial and health love relationships.

A Sextile is a harmonious and favorable aspect in a chart.

My Venus forms a Sextile with my Saturn which was illuminated in this entry. Again, my Saturn is in Cancer.

My Venus placement here as it corresponds to my Saturn suggests constructive influence in business partnerships and being serious and faithful in love (Woolfolk, 2001). And that’s true. I can’t establish relationships concurrently, have stuck out really bad experiences in long relationships, and what I say I am doing is always what I do with love.

I haven’t mentioned her yet because our first date is tomorrow. And she has a beautiful Venus placement. Hers has two Sextiles and a Conjunction. It appears in her First House too. Is it possible that I have found a teacher in serious and faithful love?

Stay tuned. I only have one more House to write about now.

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Houses 2, 3, and 4

There isn’t a ton going on in these Houses in my Western Zodiac chart.

Therefore, in this entry I can mention some generic astrology background which I have gathered.

Astrology predates astronomy as scientists began to notice that babies born in certain times, seasons, and even during events like a full moon behaved in similar ways. Astrologers often employed a map of the sky and divided it into 12 sections, or houses, to determine which planets were pronounced in a person’s chart and also to divide a life into specific tasks.

House 2 is the house of Money and Income.

I simply have Neptune and a Node here.

The node means that the moon crossed there when I was born. It was in Sagittarius at that time where my Neptune is also.

The placement means that I’m intellectual and care about humanity. Neptune in your House 2 means that you’re both intuitive and imaginative with making money (Woolfolk, 2001).

I have certainly found a way to make what would be two salaries on my own and have kept my house. Objects that I collect only have value to me and I’m unmaterialistic. I’m generous to people in need and am indifferent in general about money (Woolfolk, 2001).

Uranus forms a sextile with Pluto in my chart here. It’s important for me as Scorpio is pronounced in my chart. The placement said that occult traits are used positively (Woolfolk, 2001).

Case in point.

House 3 is the House of Communication. It’s related to your family ties, daily travel and self-expression.

It makes sense that mine is empty. By the time I was 47 I had no members of my family of origin. I get around simply. My Mercury is in my first house–where there is also a stellium–so it’s not as important to be part of my communication because it’s in the forefront.

House 4 is the House of Home.

Again, makes sense that it’s empty.

I moved 13 times before my parents got a house changing schools too. My relationship with my parents could be complicated, and was definitely so with my father always. It also has to do with an emotional and physical space which you call home, and with two marriages and problems with my son blowing up in my house where I’ve been 24-years that makes sense too. The cool thing about mine being empty is that this house also signifies where you age and close out your life (Woolfolk, 2001). I definitely have small and big plans there.

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1st House

I had written before that Scorpio found a book on colors and three primary adjectives for all 365 birthdays in the art museum we were in. Mine were Researcher, Healer and Seductive.

I’m going to employ the first one for a week.

I’m going to write about my zodiac chart.

Previously, I only had looked at my Sun, Moon, and Ascendent (Rising) Signs. When I was dating Scorpio she felt fascinated by all the empty houses in her chart, so I started thinking, “What’s up with houses anyway?”

There are 12 houses which astrologers used to divide the sky, and they are the degree to which the earth was with respect to the sun when and where you were born. According to astrologers, each house divides your life into categories.

According to a source that I have by Woolfolk, your first house is the House of Self and is your most powerful house. And what is there encompasses the most important placements in your chart. She also writes that the First House is a lens for your chart as it filters everything else.

I was blown away looking at my chart yesterday because my Moon, which is in Scorpio, is in my first house. I knew that had to be important. I have a DK Parker’s Astrology book that a previous workout partner gave me, so I read about that placement.

So, what does it mean if your Moon Sign falls in your first house?

Apparently, if you’re Moon is in your First House you have an urge to care for people. That made my worries about my son and his choices seem validated. Additionally, I have chosen a career in mental health so that checked out too.

Moon placement involves your reactions and responses. People with a Scorpio Moon have feelings directly on tap anyway, and that’s always true of me. The energy is also physical and has determination and the instinct to achieve.

Scorpio Moons in the First House are intuitive, imaginative and remember your childhood with nostalgia. Weaknesses are that you can dissipate energy, be moody and oversensitive. I like to see that as me being emo. Strengths are that you’re receptive, romantic and curious (Woolfolk, 2006).

So, there are Conjunctions, Trines, Oppositions, Sextiles and Squares which are the aspects of planets to the degree to which they were apart during the time that you were born in charts too. Some of these aspects are favorable and others are unfavorable (Woolfolk, 2006).

My Moon in Scorpio has an aspect with my Venus which is in Virgo that forms a Sextile. A Sextile are planets which are 60 degrees apart. That means that I am affectionate, light hearted, artistic, and love beauty (Woolfolk, 2006).

My Moon in Scorpio also has two Trines. In charts, that position is the most favorable aspect. It means that you have planets which are 120 degrees apart. (I should mention that 44% of my chart is in water, which I found so telling because I have had romantic relationships mainly with water signs.) These two Trines and with water placements in my chart. I have Jupiter in Pisces and Saturn in Cancer. The former suggests that I am optimistic and that I have a friendly personality. I also that I have good business sense and I enjoy travel and literature. The latter suggest that I am diplomatic, ambitious and that my overall nature is conservative. I am thorough when dealing with problems and patient (Woolfolk, 2006).

You’re ascendent is always in your First House and mine is in Libra. My Mercury is in my First House and it’s also in Libra. The themes are that I make lists of pros and cons with every decision and can change my mind. It also means that I like socializing with people. This placement Squares Saturn though… Squares are challenging and stressful and when they can be overcome, resilience is possible. I certainly can be blunt and abrupt 😳I also have a Conjunction in Mercury, which is powerful, so it’s typically beneficial, but not necessarily. It’s simply the most powerful aspect. My Mercury conjuncts my Uranus, which suggests a talent for scientific thinking but that I am stubborn and eccentric (Woolfolk, 2006).

All these things in my First House form a stellium. It’s like waring planet placements. They’re gathered together in one area of the zodiac and can form conjunctions (Parker & Parker, 2001).

I think that because there are so many planets in my first house that is why people misread me as having the Fire element in my chart. I really have an overall deficit. However, my First House is busy with waring planet placements. I do find that I do best when I ponder solutions for a long period of time, find people fascinating, am odd and do better when I’m reflective rather than quickly speaking my mind.

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Transactional

Last night I took my ex-husband out to dinner. I have not spoken with him much since February of 2025.

Last Groundhog Day, I had him look after our son that evening because I had concert tickets. As is consistent with some types of college age kids, our son experimented with concentrated marijuana–it’s called a dab–and way too much acid. He cried most of the day and kept telling me that I was lying to him and that he’d broken his brain.

My ex-husband drank 7 beers that night. I had stopped drinking altogether and didn’t get triggered by alcohol so I had a six-pack in my beverage cooler area of the refrigerator. I was keeping those around for friends who come over to my house when I make them dinner–I do that all of the time for loved ones. I had told my ex-husband that he could have the Christmas Ale that was there and to be sure to eat the lasagna that I’d left for him too because the ale had high ABV. I never said anything about the six-pack.

He drank everything (7 beers total), triggered the shit out of our son, and was acting bizarre.

Two-weeks later I told him via phone that he has always been an alcoholic. I told him that he needs full treatment. I never spoke to him again. He said, like he always says, that he needs individual therapy and he was going to do it this time. He never has addressed anything. I know that will never happen. I was with the guy 11-years, and married to him for 9. (Just an aside that he’s the only man I’ve ever been with. I’ve kissed two guys including him.)

I used to be in touch with both of my former mother-in-laws. They generally loved me. Because my ex-spouses are the dreamer types they also were glad that their kids married me. I’m not given to anything dreamy or prone to fantasy. I’m always pragmatic.

Anyway, my ex-husband’s mother is starting to decline. I can just tell via text. My son told me that when he called her a few weeks ago for her birthday that she repeated things over and over. Last night I learned that her brother (my ex-husband’s uncle) has early onset dementia.

I talked about his mother and he said that she was fine in person when he saw her in 2024.

He said that he knows that he needs to visit them seasonally.

He acknowledged that he’s unable to make plans.

It’s ok. Those things are not my business at all. Now that my son drives and I bought him a car and insure it, nothing will ever happen again. My son won’t need him for anything.

And this dinner wasn’t transactional. I just knew that it was time that I had some manner of relationship with him again. I’ve known him 32-years. And he has never been able to set a goal or really make any decisions of any kind. That won’t change. Nor does it change that I have his DNA in my brain because we had a child together. I had to get over myself and my anger towards him.

He’s been with his partner for a few years now and they live together. He described parallel play that they engage in. He doesn’t seem happy or unhappy with her. I can imagine that many more years will pass by for him and there won’t be anything that has changed.

We did, however, laugh a ton.

I told him about breaking up with my GF in May and the following morning being in a pool of my own blood on the floor given the difficulty of a restraint that I had to complete for the safety of a youth.

I told him about the old dating app that I used to use and the conversation that I had about race and racism with a person who was using his ex-wife’s identity on a lesbian only service and let him read the bizarre text conversation thread. That whole exchange could be written with some backstory and be an episode or a limited series comedy.

We laughed and it was such an easy dinner. The only obstacle was that the Sudanese restaurant is closed only on Wednesdays and I forgot completely that we have a good Thai restaurant now close to the high school in the neighborhood, so we wound up driving to a suburb to eat at one that is authentic. It was fine. We got a table; although, it was packed.

I had a great time with him. Basically, I grew up with him. He’s the same as I remember him as a teenager. I met him when I was 19 or 20 and he was 18. Honestly, he really hasn’t changed much at all.

I’m so glad that I took him out to dinner.

His binge drinking and overall alcoholism won’t affect me or our son.

I was thinking about transactional relationships generally after dinner.

I had gone over to visit Nightingale one night this month and asked her out of the blue if she was using me for sex.

She paused a long time and said, “I was at first.”

Now that she’s decided that I create an obstacle or perhaps distraction to her finding her life partner that’s really what our thing was. She spent most of the month mad at me because I don’t date someone and state, “You’re going to be my life partner.” I don’t think that stance is real.

For example, I thought that Scorpio and I would travel together forever. I knew that she wants to live with someone again eventually and given that she was almost always talking about her ex-BF I just kept assuming that she would reconcile with him and that would be who she lived with. I would have been so fine with that scenario too. He sounded cool. She and I still could’ve travelled together and I like male metamours.

That didn’t work out. If I had feelings that didn’t match hers, she told me that my feelings didn’t make sense. I had to break up with her.

Prior to Scorpio, I dated another woman for a year who had a young child. This day a year ago I had blogged about a date that she and I had that she completely planned and paid for. Although we had been dating for 10-months at that time, this was the only date in which she had done that. Our relationship was transactional and I got very little out of our relationship. Seems like it was a soft onboarding to relationships in general after my divorce.

Maybe dating is often transactional.

I want to communicate and be myself in relationships.

I couldn’t do that with the woman that I dated after my divorce. In fact, I wouldn’t go on very many dates with a woman now who said that she’s not a sexual person. It shuts off all my physical touch needs that I have. I used to have to ask her to rub my legs or play with my hair. And she was good at it! It never would’ve occurred to her to touch me unsolicited.

Scorpio told me once that she wanted a BF who would fly her to Pfish concerts all over the nation. That would’ve been transactional. Our relationship was uncomplicated. I made her dinner midweek and we talked and connected and then spent one night together every weekend after a proper date doing something specific.

Nightingale wanted to travel with a woman right before her knee surgery. It turned out that her previous replacement wasn’t ready enough to go to CA, so she decided a mountain cabin was fine. After some time together and a little travel, she decided that I’m not worth having around.

I think that if I understand the playbook with women who I date, that I’m flexible.

Pic taken today 5-years ago

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Delegation

July 2 – July 19th was a record for me.

I had an intense experience which was connected and full of chemistry that burned out completely.

She did it for me too. Nightingale was the delegate.

Since she left the cabin on the 15th late at night our texting was scant and we didn’t talk on the phone ever again until yesterday: the 19th.

Last night when I called her at her request she sounded oddly formal and told me that the local anesthetic that her surgeon had given her would wear off the following day (today). She indicated that was when her pain management would begin getting real.

Nightingale has another brand-new knee. She’ll be healing now and her not-quite-three-month-old other knee still swells a whole bunch when she walks around on it. I’d imagine that sometime in the spring things will feel healed.

She proposed a boundaried friendship.

She told me that she knew that I’d be fine with occasional sex here and there.

It’s true that I didn’t have any expectations of her.

I like helping people out when they have needs.

She and I had a solid connection and undeniable chemistry. When she wasn’t unloading on me suddenly, it was seamless. I think that I have a higher toleration for that behavior anyway given my work and also some of my relationships. I know that flying off the handle isn’t about me.

She told me that she doesn’t want any of my help during her recovery. I’d imagine that she feels vulnerable with her knee elevated all the time and walking 10-minutes every hour for a couple of weeks.

Regardless, boundaried friendship is a strange term.

I told her that we were never friends, so although I couldn’t really say quickly how I felt in the moment, I’d be more inclined to reach out to her when and if it made sense.

I told her that when we left it at the cabin I was going to check in on her in the morning and at night as I’d been doing. My texts were pretty cursory. I’m glad that she asked me to call her last night.

This morning, I realize that I may not even be to wish her a happy birthday in November via text.

From her perspective I delay her finding her one. The woman who is perfect for her and wants to move into her house and blend finances. She bought her house with an ex-wife 7-years ago, and many women have lived in it with her including the ex-wife who she was married to for 1-2 years.

I have married, cohabited and blended finances before. The last time ended only 4-years ago, which Nightingale said was a long time ago and that I am ready to move on because the relationship was short (We were together 9-years.).

In fact, in a few weeks, I’d have been married 28-years to my ex-husband. We were married 8/98 – 3/08. I was married to my ex-wife 5/14 – 9/22.

When we were driving back from the urban lake hike last Wednesday Nightingale asked me if I’d remarry. I said, “I don’t think that I want to.”

I realize now that I believe that I have spent more years married than she has.

Her daughter’s other mother and she were in a domestic partnership, and it seems to have lasted only through the time that her daughter was 4 or 5. I don’t know how many years they were together before Nightingale got pregnant. Her only marriage was 7-years ago and lasted 1-2 years. She also isn’t single long ever. I heard so many different women’s names when she would share about her life. I’m a good listener, so she certainly talked more about herself and filled the air much more than I anyway.

Nightingale helped me feel better about Scorpio.

The trajectory of 17-days was always hers. I never initiated sex once. I just showed up and was my normal, attentive self. I never made a promise to her that I didn’t intend to keep.

I also won’t ever think that you should rush living with someone and blending your lives. She asked far fewer questions about me and made lots of assumptions.

I hope that she can find exactly what she’s looking for in a long-term and lifetime partner.

For my part, I’ll keep seeing women as it makes sense and I feel passion. I don’t have an end game. I also have never stopped believing that it takes a year to get to know someone well.

I’ve had three sexual partners since my divorce. I waited over two-years to have sex with anyone.

After this fire, I have realized that I’m comfortable in many different relationship structures. It will be interesting to see what transpires going forward.

I’m glad to have clarity today. I’m also going to use my vacation time remaining to address things that I want to before I start my other two jobs and begin taking classes.

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Intense

I know that I’m intense, and it’s been better generally when I have dated women who were equally so or got fired up about things occasionally. That way my energy matches well with a romantic partner.

Monday I got up to the cabin early afternoon and connected for about an hour with Nightingale. I had to head into town to get a couple of groceries that I’d forgotten. I came back and Nightingale had out olives, cheese, fruit and some other things, which was sweet. I got a salad completed and put it on the table and then made the pasta.

Nightingale told me that she was hanging onto something.

It was about my best friend.

When I was in my mid-twenties and new to this career we had a friend group who were also all early career.

One of the members of this group was visiting from CA and her trip dates were migrating all over the map which was frustrating. I cancelled some plans that I had too, but had promised her that I’d see her.

Finally, my best friend said that she’d host a pizza party for this mutual friend. I made a salad.

I asked Nightingale to accompany me because I thought that she was leaving for Northern CA the following day–it turned out that she couldn’t because of her knee swelling.

Anyway, what she said that she was hanging onto was that she had an awful time there.

My best friend was being cold and strange. And the experience was pretty awkward generally.

Nightingale said that I didn’t have her back, that I behaved badly, and that I should’ve gotten her out of there quickly.

That’s an overreach. I didn’t abandon her. And that she brought it up many days later is a difficult way to have conflict.

Anyway, I didn’t even want to eat, so having not even brought in my suitcase, I decided to go. I took my pasta dish and headed out on the dirt road to get to the highway. She called me a few minutes later and seemed less volatile, so I drove back and we talked it out.

Nightingale slept upstairs and I slept downstairs.

I hiked the following day.

I hiked the creek initially and it was moderately steep, and then after I did so at elevation and saw the creek from below I walked to the other side of the trailhead and started this hike (pictured above). It was very pretty and peaceful. It didn’t really rain as there is severe drought in the majority of the West–in fact, only in the area of ID where I was last month is lacking drought currently–but, I decided that I would be best to finish up where I had originally hiked.

I was planning to go back here

I headed down the rocky trail (the first picture) and a guy and a girl were heading up. Only the guy greeted me and I noticed his nice and piercing blue eyes. After that brief greeting I walked a little longer when a small distance in front of me a blur crossed over. Then I saw a little cub, which was cute.

I froze.

They both crossed over the rocky path and began scaling the hillside on my left. I backed up and stepped several steps to my right.

Then the mother saw me and stared. She was 40-yards away.

I could hear my heart beating in my ears and all the blood was rushing to my temples. My neck was shaking as the blood was coursing through my body to my brain and extremities.

I stood completely still and didn’t avert my gaze.

She got out of my view and went up the hill and huge rocks started falling onto the trail. I walked sideways a bit more and could see that she was throwing them with her back feet. I kept sidestepping and then as she was busy throwing rocks, I thought that now was a good time for me to completely leave the trail and go back to the creek. I walked sideways for a minute or so and then because there wasn’t a trail and I didn’t want to fall, I went back to the rocky trail. I looked up. I stood silently. I couldn’t see or hear her. I ran like hell and was back to the trailhead in a flash. I’ve never run that hard. I also have never seen a bear before. And this situation included two bears in the worse scenario given a mother’s protection.

I’ve hiked many hundreds of miles. This was my first scary wildlife encounter.

I drove into town to get cellphone signal and talked on the phone with Hockey.

I didn’t want to take bear energy into the cabin given how touchy Nightingale is in general.

After a good talk with Hockey, I drove back to the cabin.

I told her that I was back an hour early because I had an encounter with a mother bear and cub. She told me that it was good that I wasn’t in Yellowstone or Glacier, because if I had been that would’ve been a grizzly, and I’d be dead. Regardless, it was scary.

Nightingale had made a roast with potatoes and carrots. It was really good. I said, “This is lovely. Have you ever made something this fabulous and someone pours ketchup all over it instead of tasting it?”

WWIII ensued.

To her I was controlling someone’s enjoyment of food that doesn’t have to do with me.

I do think that as an adult you have the chance to enjoy one bite of something if you simply try.

I told her that I was going downstairs and I packed up and started showering off the hike and the bear.

I only feel comfortable writing that she had a crisis. I know because I work with episodes all the time at work.

And because I know what to do, I tended to her for about 3-hours and she was fine and was able to sleep soundly. I went downstairs that night and slept solidly for hours having a bear encounter and then having my shit jumped again by a woman going through way too many moving parts at the moment.

The next day was fine and we walked roughly the same distance that I had hiked solo the day before; however, we were on an urban trail with panoramic views of mountains along a huge lake.

I picked up takeout Japanese food for us that night, brought it back to the cabin, and she wanted me to watch “Ted Lasso,” which has been recommended to me for years by various people. I think that I watched 3-4 episodes with her. Then she started cleaning up so I helped and then I went back to the tv because she asked me to start another episode. I could hear her packing up food so I said that I’d wait until she was done. I paused the show.

When she was done she said that because tomorrow was her last day before her next surgery that she wanted to be home, sleep in her own bed and wake up for a full day at home. I told her that made a lot of sense to me. I loaded her car. She hugged and kissed me in the house and I said that I’d walk her outside too. She kissed me again when I was talking to her before she drove away on the dirt road.

I called Hockey and we talked a long time. She and I talk everyday.

Nightingale texted me that night when she got to her house.

The following morning, I did as she asked. I addressed the final things in the property rental and sent a DM in the app for us. Then I texted her that I was leaving and texted her when I got to my driveway (not my garage).

Yesterday, I got home and my son had the garage blocked and the housecleaners were here. It was all pretty typical. I have a good vacation and come home to something chaotic or unpredictable which impacts my transition. The good thing was that I had a massage at 3. I was able to tell my massage therapist about the bears and I wrote a draft with some of this material in it when I came home. It was nice to be in a clean house. I slept well all night.

Whew.

I’m no stranger to any of these dynamics with women. She reminds me of a previous GF that I had in my 30s and also reminds me of my ex-wife in terms of seething for days about things that she spins on without talking about them. I also know that because of what she’s gone through in her life that talk therapy isn’t going to cut it and has the chance to be counterproductive. I’ve told her which modality I think that she should switch to after she’s recovered and can walk now that she’ll have two new knees.

Anyway, I am making the responsible choice and not mixing any romance between us going forward.

Nightingale says over and over how she’s seeking her long-term partner. That effort will be better when she’s addressed some of the things going on in her body.

Yesterday she told me her surgery time. I’ve texted her about good energy, healing vibes and other things. I won’t ever say or text anything adjacent to dating going forward. I’m willing and able to run some errands, chat in person or on the phone, and drop off meals or specific food craving things during her recovery. That’s it. There are some intense things that I can’t engage in anymore at this stage of my life.

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Lifestyle

My dog has some spinal problems so she doesn’t know if she’s pooping. She’ll be 15 in September at the end of summer. She hasn’t been able to take walks really anymore. She was into and completed a super short one–two blocks–yesterday after I bathed her at a Mom and Pop pet shop.

Her back hips are displacing altogether.

Yesterday she slipped in the tub and was laying down in the tub and pooped again.

One of the three cats has renal failure beginning. It’s been really stressful because she doesn’t always finish her special diet food and then one of her brother cat eats it and he gets diarrhea. The other brother had an anal gland abscess and when his Vet removed it, she said that it was the biggest that she’d ever seen. He has to go to the Vet every four months now.

My dog is in a clinical trial, so her life will be extended a little regardless if she’s on the placebo because she sees the Vet all the time.

However, they cost thousands.

I was able to rehome my ex-wife’s dog in May of 2025 so that’s helpful. It is also helpful to not have dog pee on things that she would mark smelling up my house while I was at work.

Only the dog is mine.

I’m too much of a softy to rehome the cats although they’ve become too much with the food situation. I’ll contact the cat vet and see how the diet can be changed to one thing for all of them.

I was talking with Nightingale last night and the cat with the renal disease was chirping, meowing and sometimes purring.

Nightingale didn’t mention anything. She’s allergic to cats. However, to some extent she’s not even close to an animal person. I haven’t ever been on the phone with someone who didn’t ask which one was making noise when any of mine are being appealing.

I like her dog a lot and he’s trained to only be a dog in all respects. He can’t get on furniture, beds, or even greet someone unless they reach down to greet him.

When she made me dinner on Saturday night in her house her well-trained and super cute dog made a specific noise and wagged his tail and I said, “He’s asking for food, right?” She was shocked. I told her that I’m great with animals. I am good with domestic animals cues and can get very close to deer when I’m hiking to snap a picture. (I’m not a dumbass so I don’t like being near mountain lions, rattlesnakes, moose, and haven’t had a bear encounter yet thankfully.)

Scorpio’s dog was a really good boy and well-trained. He was allowed to obsess on me when he wanted to and he did. I still miss her dog a lot.

I love all animals. I like to watch the birds on the porch when I drink coffee in the morning or have a Spindrift, Waterloo, or Lacroix at night. When I used to walk my dog sometimes I’d see black foxes near the creek which was equal parts scary and cool.

I’m an outdoor plant. I love being outside all of the time and even don’t mind repetitive tasks such as removing cheatgrass, kochia, henbit, prickly lettuce, purslane, and spotted spurge in my tiny grass patch in the backyard at night. It’s too bad that means that no matter what I do, I’ll get bitten a couple of times by mosquitos, but I still like the task.

Nightingale can’t come over to my house because of my ex-wife’s cats and my dog. She has allergy induced asthma and some other conditions.

Nightingale has lived with other women in her pristine house. I don’t know the timeline–meaning when they moved in. Not only would I not want to do that, but we don’t like the same things day-to-day. Even if I could cohabit, and at this point I absolutely cannot, it would have to be with a likeminded woman.

I love having a purring cat next to me, sitting outside and fussing in a yard, talking a long walk through neighborhoods (which used to include walking my dog 1-3 miles everyday), and taking any excuse to spend more time outside.

I go to a cabin in the mountains today. Nightingale rented it.

I’m looking forward to walking and probably doing a journal in my nature journal today. I can hike on Tuesday and Wednesday too.

I won’t miss my pets really given all the things that they’re requiring now and need a break.

I’ll write on Friday. Nightingale gets her knee replaced that day. I’ll have a lot of information about our dynamic after this week.

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Cabin

I was in one in a really remote area in May with Scorpio. We spent three nights there. We had a night with one woman who neither of us knew, and then the following two nights we were with two women who were her friends in our cabin. That configuration of sleeping ensured no sexual intimacy.

I’ll be in a cabin in another area of the mountains Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday night with Nightingale.

Just us.

It’s pretty remote too. And it includes an area that I climbed in 2009 a couple of times. I’m excited to see what I can see from the windows in our cabin. I also want to trek around solo or with her.

Last night I took her basmati with saffron, chicken piccata with fresh lemon butter, and cauliflower with sweet peppers and garlic. We talked and snuggled and kissed a tiny bit and then I left after a couple of hours. I simply wanted to know that she had dinner that night. Cooking for friends and other loved ones is like breathing for me.

She texted, “This meal is so fucking amazing.”

The kitchen in our cabin is waaaay better than my kitchen, so I think that I’ll bring some food that I can cook. I’m excited to have a meal with her in a home. We are so new we’ve not gone out to dinner yet. And she can’t come to my house due to significant cat allergies.

In a cabin. 1-1. Together and with enough space to not be together when something moves us.

I like that so much more than being around tons of people. I’m not a group person unless there is an activity like kickball or bowling. I don’t even enjoy parties.

I do enjoy nature. I enjoy it solo and haven’t had an intimate partner who enjoys it as much as I do.

I think it’s worthwhile to mention again that Nightingale has a new knee that is 12-weeks old. She’ll get the other knee replaced on Friday.

We have to stick a pin in our mutual love of nature. We can certainly trek a tiny bit this upcoming week, but she can’t overdo it because then she’s stuck to her ice machine afterward.

She’s a fly fisher.

I’m a hiker and tiny bit of a climber.

We’re so undefined right now. She could pull the plug on us anytime that she wants to. I can’t imagine having a new love interest when you’re going into another knee replacement.

I’m going to:

  1. Enjoy tonight and our vacation next week
  2. Support her with her guidance and direction after her other knee is replaced

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Teachers

We stay stagnant when we surround ourselves with people who think only as we do.

I’m learning that some people know what they want no matter what.

Nightingale is learning that some women move slow and intentionally with decisions.

She was sooooo pissed off at me on Tuesday night. I had to get polished at using the skill: “I feel x, when y is happening, and I’m hoping that in the future you’ll respect my (boundary, time, need for understanding / validation).”

We talked on the phone for four-hours.

At the end of it she said, “Can you just come over here and hold me all night?”

“At two in the morning?”

“Yes.”

I don’t like having conflict over the phone. I will not engage in ANY intense texting.

When we have friction, we’re going to talk f2f.

Sleeping or Sex?

It was nice to be in her bed with her and see how nicely our bodies fit together when we’re sleeping. It was interesting that she approached intimacy from so many different angles until she got what she wanted. I was firm with not touching her and kept moving my hands away from where she’d put them. She said, “You’re strong.” I said, “Yep. And I don’t engage in gamey or shitty behavior.” The thing is that if someone after a long time keeps showing how much they want you, you can clarify, obtain consent and go for it.

She’s not my GF.

She’s not really my friend.

We don’t have similar ideas / attachment about outcome.

The only crushing thing about an end to being lovers for me would be not preserving a friendship.

I still want my exit interview with anyone.

She wants the life partner who she wakes up with everyday and who she will grow old with and tend to and vice versa until death.

I don’t think that the relationship escalator is real–it’s exceptional, so it works for a small percentage of couples.

I have to work today and tomorrow.

We’ll see each other on the weekend.

I don’t care what we’re doing and will do it with her as long as she lets me.

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Stable

Nightingale and I have had some emotional and physical Jenga.

She is about 10-weeks out from her first knee replacement.

Her other knee gets replaced this month.

I had a friend here in town who’d not visited in 7-years. She was here for a few days with her ex-husband and two kids.

After Nightingale and I had met and clearly established that we liked each other romantically, she accompanied me to my best friend’s house for pizza and sides on Sunday night. That morning after we were done walking around we hugged again and I kissed her quickly. That night, she met me at my best friend’s house. Our Sunday was a bit like a marathon first date, and it worked for me.

She and I had a wonderful time with all of my friends.

Then she had to name all of her discomfort while we were talking in her car at the end of the night. She doesn’t want to date anyone polyamorous. It was a rough and painful conversation.

I get it.

I’m great with boundaries.

We can both let many hours go by talking, so it was about 10:30 and I said, “I’m going to give you a hug and drive home.”

I moved across the seat and hugged her and she was crying a little bit and said, “I want to touch you.” I said, “Yeah, and you’ll have to keep it G rated.”

Yesterday, I went over to have coffee with her in her modern and pristine house and it was awkward and sad.

I hadn’t slept worth a shit on Sunday night so I did a few things that I had to do and didn’t feel any better until I lifted weights. Nightingale’s knee had swelled up so bad that she had to cancel her trip to CA that she was going to have before her next knee surgery. I know that she and I probably overdid it on Sunday, but I was kinda glad that she found out about it when she was here and not in Northern California unable to do things that she wanted to do because of swelling.

It sucks to have wiring that doesn’t fit another’s when you clearly have a good connection in the emotional, physical and romantic realm.

Last night, I cleaned up after my dog and cats–talking to Hockey on the phone the whole time–and then settled in to watch the next episode of “Dark” in the sequence. Nightingale texted me. Given that she’s a real athlete–the whole thing–track and soccer through high school, college track scholarship, and has completed two Iron Mans and is a triathlete–watching the US lose yesterday and also knowing that she can’t go to CA was too much for her.

She texted, “Have you ever just wanted to be held so you can cry?”

I said, “Absolutely. Do you need me to shower and come over?”

I think that she wanted that and didn’t want that. Holding two things that are both true is a tough spot.

I went over there.

I could hold any friend who needed me to. I could provide a clothed massage, a held hand all night, and would even draw a bath and keep a friend company while she cried in the bathtub.

This scenario wasn’t a heavy lift for me. It was nice to 1) support, and 2) have physical input.

We half-assed watched old episodes of “American Idol,” talked and I rubbed her back and even her surgical scars on her knee that has already been replaced.

Her knee is stable and it is nervy and feels weird so it jacks up her body. She is healing.

We talked and talked and talked. It wasn’t friendly, and it wasn’t purely romantic. It was a completely intimate and connected experience for both of us and I really needed it.

When I’m not seeing anyone, I miss touching a woman. It doesn’t have anything to do with sex for me.

After a couple of hours we were simply snuggling and it got intense so she said, “It’s time for you to go home.”

I popped up and she was shocked.

“Jesus Christ, I didn’t mean get out! Wow.”

I told her that I’m good with boundaries. She came over to me and took me in her arms and kissed my neck while holding me. I held her tighter and then walked over to her door.

I put on my shoes and looked at her and said, “Just one kiss, ok?” I had the green light and went to give her a quick kiss and then it was all her.

I stopped in the middle of it and said, “That’s you! I was just going to give you a quick kiss before I left.” She just pulled me to her and kept kissing me.

I totally get where she is coming from with regards to not wanting to date me. And, I’m fine with it. I had a couple of GFs since 2024 and those relationships were not meant to last longer than they did. I think that I can just keep showing up for Nightingale and see what unfolds. I’m not going to do anything weird. I’m glad that she let me support her last night and that we had some genuine romantic kissing when I left her house. There is zero reason to future trip and not just let something unfold organically with her based on the pacing that she sets.

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V2

Today I talked with Nightingale for close to two hours. She’ll leave for her solo vacation on Tuesday.

We talked about our childhoods.

Our experiences in therapy.

We talked about work.

We talked about parenting (Hers is 18 and a daughter; mine is 20 and a son.).

She talked about her reservations seeing someone polyamorous.

I told her that I got it. And honestly I’m pretty malleable and have done all manner of relationships based on what partners talk to me about and what I’m comfortable doing.

I told her that I felt like I was being punished for the sins of their ex-BFs in my last two relationships.

It’s refreshing that she was married to a woman and has had many, many GFs since then and those have mostly been with women who need some caretaking.

I listened fully to that.

I only take care of myself. I don’t ask for anything either.

I didn’t ask my ex prior to Scorpio accompany me to my PRP injection last summer–but, she offered and did it giving a baby monitor (She had a three-year-old at the time.) to the accountant below her unit in her building, and Scorpio didn’t do anything for me. (She did arrange some flowers by hand in vases and bring them to me twice, but that’s small gestures after four months. I think that she paid for two meals during our time together too. She was waaaay cheaper to date than my ex-GF though because I didn’t have to take her places all the time and pay for babysitters.)

I explained what an anchor partner does and described the tour of my city that I did for Scorpio when I got off work, had to pick her up on the far west side and then drive far south to pick up her car. I made dinner for her that night. I’m a great anchor partner with a local GF.

I talked about how I’ve always had friends for different purposes. (Honestly, I think that lovers could fit that bill for me too.)

I also let her know that there isn’t a single romantic connection in my life right now.

Assuming that we get there–and we both decided that needs to be determined not only through a vibe check but also an embrace–she and I can work on what feels right. It would take me quite awhile to feel solid with her anyway and my last comet doesn’t talk to me at all anymore. I think that we can make something work if we like each other romantically. We certainly have great chemistry and conversation.

She wants lasting connection.

I asked her when her birthday is. It’s five-days after Scorpio’s. I said, “Oh, that’s good.” And she asked, “When’s your birthday?” And I told her and she said, “Oh, you’re a Virgo. That’s my moon.”

🤯

Nightingale is Scorpio-Virgo. I’m Virgo-Scorpio. Her Ascendent is right on the cusp of Gemini and Taurus, so that means if she’s mostly Gemini, our big three are the same (Earth, Water, and Air). The latter seems to fit more because she is verbose in her presentation. Cancers are pretty careful and watchful. Nightingale is a great talker.

I’m hoping that Scorpio Version 2 is a romantic and intimate prospect, and I’ll know on Monday morning when we walk.

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Boyfriends

Therapy is such a good thing. I have one more thing which is not related to a new love interest to write about today. It’s related to my insight after therapy.

I’m totally fine dating bisexual women.

They’re often prettier.

My last two GFs were still both really hung up on their ex-boyfriends.

My one prior would talk about him all the time. I realized recently that she was going to parks with her daughter in his area of the city because she probs wanted to run into him and had a belief that when he saw their daughter he would rekindle. Or maybe just pay child support. Or perhaps stop texting, “Hi,” at 3 in the morning and respond to pictures of their daughter that she sent to him. She would also talk about how amazing he was too. It was a treat.

Scorpio talked about her ex-BF all the time. Recently she told me that she’d gotten spoiled by him because he did all the driving. During our last fight she called me monogamous and said that I was a repeat of this ex-BF. To all that, I can call bullshit.

My new love interest is lesbian. Like me. That means that she won’t be hung up on an ex-BF.

When I date a bisexual woman again if she’s recently broken up, I need to ensure that she is over him. If not, I will probably suggest that she does couples work with the guy and reconciles. I’d be fine dating her after that time. I like having male metamours. I don’t want to be a stand-in for a man going forward.

🤯

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Fire

I had therapy yesterday.

I told him that I feel like the whole world is on fire so it may not be the best time to start a long-term relationship.

He told me that he would worry if I was sitting at home and refusing to step outside.

I debriefed my date with KY.

He said that he worries when people seek passion, but he hears that I don’t want to be depleted by someone either.

He also called me an optimist.

Why should I give up?

Wildfire smoke has settled in my face.

Finally all the sinus stuff has moved and my cough and such are productive. I won’t be feeling like poo too much longer given that the stage that it’s in.

I did my interval run anyway and dealt with the headache.

I still didn’t want to cook.

I logged into my dating app and saw that I had squirreled away three boosts… I guess that maybe I had forgotten to use them in MT and ID? I dunno.

I boosted.

I went to pick up a whole bunch of Chinese food. (Catonese. Unfortunately, one of the best restaurants in the nation closed here so we don’t have a good Szechuan choice anymore.)

DMs:

Tomboy: “Hello! We have some of the same things in common. And we both have verified profiles, which is refreshing. What are your plans for the weekend?”

Nightingale: “It might also be refreshing that I have done therapy. This weekend is trip planning to [an undisclosed location]. I’m going to do a little road trip, redwoods, the coast, oysters, and farm to table food. What are your plans?”

And then the good, reciprocal exchanges came. She’s smart. She’s funny. And she’s open. That all seemed good to me.

Then she wanted to move right to a call.

“Hey do you want to talk over the phone?”

“A phone call tonight?” It was really late.

“Why not?”

Why not indeed.

An hour and half later she wants to delay her trip leaving in a day so we can take a walk. Ripping off the Band-Aid it seems. Stay tuned.

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Matchable

Getting to the date was a whole thing.

I got there early because I didn’t want her to be waiting for me.

She apparently was just a little bit late and didn’t want to interrupt my conversation.

She also didn’t think that I was me.

That was the odd part. I was the only one there within the 45-minute time period who was in a purple dress–or any dress at all for that matter.

So I wasn’t just standing around being awkward and overdressed, I made conversation with a guy who was timing his walk and getting some coffee refilled. We talked about electric cars, pollution, wildfires, democratic socialists, and corporate interest.

I sent location pins to the matchmaking service and kept going in and out of the coffee shop.

Finally, there was a short woman sitting at a table by herself on the phone, and I just interrupted her conversation and asked if she was waiting for someone and she nodded and tied up her conversation.

She is very pretty. She has huge blue eyes, a great smile, and takes her appearance very seriously.

Our dynamic seems friendly to me. She wants to meet my friend group too and is willing to be our sub for bowling when she’s in town. Her teams are now in Philadelphia, NYC, and DC, so I don’t know how many Mondays she’ll be here realistically, but I do want her in our friends circle. She hails from KY. I know that she is going beyond vibe with my teammate from AL.

Neither one of us are attracted to butch women.

I guess that if you exchange numbers with a date that you’re not really matched again. So, she told me that we shouldn’t say that we have each other’s numbers. I told her that I would upvote her and she said she would with me as well. We texted quite a bit last night with her initiation.

I’m going to host a Saturday night party at the end of the month like the potlucks that I used to host seasonally after I’d been divorced for 2-years. Hockey has wanted me to do that, and I’ll literally invite any woman with whom I’ve had a date over the last 2-years to it. Part of my polyamorous orientation is that I want people to have new friends and lovers because I connect them.

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Life

Career after retirement:

This morning I got up to enroll in the first course that I’m taking in a 5 class sequence. I’m on a wait list though 🫤 There is a chance that I can’t start until NEXT fall because I think that I may have to stop teaching on Tuesday nights for one semester. (I’ve taught almost exclusively on Tuesday nights for 11-years at one university.) I’ll have to talk to my supervising professor who made a post-doc experience for me in the winter of 2015 to see if she’ll allow me to change the night of the week for one semester only. One class that I will need to take for my candidacy application is only taught 3:30 – 6 on Tuesday nights. I’m so lucky that my Boss will let me flex my work hours and leave early for a semester. There is no way that if I had my old day job I could do that. And my old Boss would’ve said no.

Last two GFxs:

  1. We had mismatched libidos. When I said that we don’t belong together in March of 2025, I should’ve stuck to it.
  2. We didn’t have healthy conflict. I need to ask specifically at date #4 with any woman if she yells during conflicts. I can’t tolerate that at all. Because it’s a no fly zone, I need to ask if I can take a break from the conflict until she is able to speak without a raised voice.

Dating Pool:

I remain in the database with the matchmaking firm as a “Matchable Member.” My first year was comped. I have my first date today which is in person and now has been moved by the match again. It’s close to lunch time. It’s nice to have plans regardless. I’ve not had an in person date with a new woman since May 16th. I’m going to bring my most charming and funny self to this date regardless if I’m attracted to her in the slightest. It’s nice to have something to do today.

Pride:

I went to a friend’s house for a pre-party on Friday night last week. I got concerned whether or not they were going to go out at all and didn’t wind up leaving their house until after 11 pm. I went to a party with DJs with a friend on Saturday night and we stayed all afternoon until the evening. On Sunday I went with MI to the parade and we listened to some music and watched the coolest and most creative drag performance that I’d ever seen.

Mental Health:

I feel balanced. I have an appointment with my new psychologist tomorrow. I’m awarded two more sessions for free after this one and then I’ll see him monthly out-of-pocket. I need some support with my dating life generally. Breakups are never fun.

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Basics

I slept having multiple dream cycles. I haven’t slept well since I got back from my solo vacation. Except for some congestion and a minor sore throat, I feel excellent today.

I took a strength training class last night with MI. Her gym is female only. She asked me to give her options for boxing classes, so I’m going to call the boxing gym that I can go to and give her the schedule for the week of July 6th when I see her again on Sunday. Boxing class rips up my hands altogether, which is one of the reasons that I stopped, and it’s embarrassing that my overall lack of coordination with my legs unless I am climbing makes the movements difficult for me. However, she’s my friend and I want to do something fun with her next month.

I’ll go out of town today to meet Hockey’s two sons, bowl with them, and have dinner together.

I sunsetted my Facebook account completely yesterday. I had to go through years of photos, which got me emo. Downloading them took forever, but it felt great to just delete the whole thing. I made that account in 2007 or 2008, I believe. I’m glad that it’s gone.

The oppressive humidity that we had all day yesterday ultimately had a purpose and we got rain. That means that I can finally put my cylinder back in my rain gauge! I think that because we have been in a severe drought for five-months, it will take much for the ground to absorb moisture. Thankfully, when the arborists were here on Tuesday removing nuisance trees from the chain link fences around my huge backyard, they also dropped some mulch on the dirt around my shed. That night, I went to Home Depot to buy organic, non-dyed mulch for the places that were still barren (well-spent $20). This rain’s moisture will stay in the yard for the very few wildflowers that came up this year.

I have a matchmaking date in 6-days which will be sooooo interesting.

I began DMing with a woman who owns a petsitting business which she runs with one of her two adult daughters and even her 11-year-old granddaughter helps out. We moved to text last night.

I may be building some friendships atm. That sounds good. Dating apps are something else generally.

I have Hockey. I have MI. I had Scorpio who is conflicted generally and can’t have healthy conflict.

I wish that HER had a the ability to write in your own status message! Mine would say something to the effect of “Scammer liked you! Enjoy stock photos and DMs that are from a bot or pair of people in an office in Eastern Europe!”

I’m going to give Cookies and another woman deets for my Saturday and Sunday plans for Pride. They’re welcome to join me with a friend who is doing plans with me. I’m going with LA to a concert in the afternoon on Saturday, and with MI on Sunday to the parade which has a brand new route this year. I’ll probably stay out a bit on Sunday. MI can drink if she’d like as I’ll park. She can vape too if she’d like–just not in my car. (Scorpio was already high once and spaced out that she was in my car and absentmindedly took a hit and had to roll down my window as quickly as she could when she realized that she was in my car vaping 😳.) Oh, stoners!

Did I mention that I slept?

I wish that I could always just magically give myself sleep. Before menopause, and even when I was simply perimenopausal, I could just start sleeping. And being well-rested makes all the difference in the world with my mood! When we had a 5-hour layover in Phoenix to get home from HI after our honeymoon, my then wife watched me sleep in chairs at the airport. When I woke up she said, “You slept like that for 2-hours.” How I miss being an awesome sleeper!

Now we have an OG butcher shop that’s a 1.2 mile RT walk from my house. They have actual hoagies. The bread is white with a crust. (Please don’t tell me that Subway has real delicatessen bread. That’s not real.) I have had two of their sandwiches so far. It takes them a long time to make them and they’re worth the wait. I had one yesterday with corned beef and purple pickled cabbage.

Exercise, sleep and nuitrition.

And then the cherry is going back to basics with chopping wood, carrying water, and quieting unnecessary noise.

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🤯

I have known one of my bowling teammates for nine years this fall. She is a professional musician and also chaperones travel for students, so I’ve not bowled with her this season due her summer commitments. She hurt her back this morning, and I asked her if she would still consider coming to league because I hadn’t seen her in two months.

She wound up bowling with a 6-pound ball. And she’s so funny and zany that we all had fun with her.

I told her that I had to tell her something that was pretty awful.

I got to the part wherein I told her that my ex said that she could hold space with me when I was in a bad mood because she trusted me enough to know that if she had anything to do with it that I’d bring it up and that I told her that if there was a chance that I could contract HPV that would definitely impact my mood.

I told her that was when my ex exploded.

She said, “I’m going to stop you for a moment. 1. You’re always have the right to ask any questions that when answered may affect your sexual health. 2. Going dark on anyone is not ok.”

I don’t know why dialing it in so specifically blew my mind. It did.

I said, “And she was my girlfriend. And an anchor partner.”

I can’t remember exactly what she said, but it had to do with you’d never do that with anyone, and the least of which would be anyone that you called a partner.

🤯

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Coffee

It’s happening. And this woman is beyond cautious. She may give me a fake name.

It’s not like I don’t get it on some level.

Personally, I have gotten really adept at spotting romance scammers. I’ve been dating online for a year and have worked with this matchmaking service for six-months.

Now, I understand why the service said that our tapas thing last week (when a tree fell on her car) had a reservation under the concierge’s name.

She likes incognito.

Giving me her cell phone number would be a no fly zone for her, which is why she wanted to move to Google Meet with me. I think that I’m all set with any Google Meet dates regardless. They remind me of working.

The coffee is pretty late–10:00, so I won’t be having any. I try to be done at that time and during the academic year, I like to be done drinking coffee by 9:30. In fact, I am going to bike and then change. Then I’ll order something caffeine free that comes in a ceramic cup.

We find each other by what we’re wearing that day. I have to announce my outfit in the correspondence. I’ll put my purple dress and sandals with heels in my panier and bring a comb. I don’t wear a ton of makeup, so it will be fine.

Writing it out is helpful. I will leave to bike there a bit before 9–it’s not far from my house.

So, I’ll get there about 9:30. I’ll change. I want to have coffee in something not disposable. She’ll get a lot of information about me.

I’m definitely not cautious.

After I got divorced, I realized how much I love people. And I particularly love them 1-1.

Like any typical Virgo, I do have very high standards and they’re only for myself.

Ergo, I bike. I don’t like disposable cups and that seems really odd to have one when you’re consuming something in an established place.

Whatever you want to do is fine with me, because it doesn’t really affect me.

I made some grilled chicken chimichurri last night and cut up a tomato and put salt, garlic powder and some dried basil that I pinched into a fine dust on the slices. Then I arranged butter lettuce leaves on the bottom of my salad bowl, laid tomatoes on them, put sherry vinegar on it and olive oil on the lettuce. I took it over to my best friend’s house. I’d not seen her in ages. It had probably been late fall. She travels to different parts of Asia in January with her husband.

I told her the whole story about Scorpio and then about my coffee date that my date didn’t want. This date is a dinner person. Holding firm about coffee for a blind date is my statement. Let’s get to know each other in a low stakes environment. My best friend loved that dinner didn’t happen because nature intervened.

I’m getting better. Yesterday, I listened to “Downfall” too many times on repeat; however, I’m doing better for the most part.

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Rant

I got back from my 6th solo vacation last night and will have a lot of material to write about in forthcoming entries.

For now, I am going to rant.

I was hiking in the West Rim of Glacier National Park last Friday when I got a text message from the matchmaking service regarding a woman who lives between here and TN.

She sounded like a Republican.

There used to be no issue with that; however, now much of the ideology has become synonymous with religion as a tool for hatred and also a nod to times that probably were non-existent. Let’s face it: “Leave it to Beaver” had one real character and that was Eddie Haskell. I digress.

I texted this matchmaker, “Make sure she’s ok with my being Agnostic and also working in Public Service. I am not a Republican.”

I should also provide some context regarding that my package is completed. I had six dates. One via phone which later became a hike and the rest were video dates.

I’m in their “membership pool,” which I think means that I’m kinda like a chess piece for paid members for whom they’re having difficulty matching. I don’t pay for these dates going forward though–I pay for my food or beverages and that’s it. This time period will last through next spring.

I had one phone date with a woman who’s about 50-miles from me and we eventually met for a hike. I’m still in some contact with her. She’s smart and cool. She has her own TED talk.

Otherwise, I had video dates. In my mind, three went really well. One woman likes me a lot and won’t move from OR. I’d be fine with a partner in the Pacific NW, and I think she’s monogamous. So, she and I don’t have similar ideas about relationships.

This service lists my relationship style as “Open.”

Video dates aren’t my favorite.

My webcam is unforgiving. It reminds me of a concave mirror.

And I have NEVER in my nine-years of dating, had a dinner date for a first date.

Why would one do that? Particularly a blind date. You’d have to be very extroverted.

So, I was SUPER clear about that. I’ll write the clarity here:

“I’m currently driving back to Missoula from Idaho. I am free tomorrow. I don’t like doing dinner on a first date. The pressure’s too high.”

“I understand! Safe travels!”

“See if she’s amenable to having coffee or a drink. I don’t drink, but love club soda.”

“You got it! Maybe there is a cool mocktail bar?”

“We have awesome spots. A majority of my GFs have been drinkers. I also like to take walks in public parks. I don’t love my webcam; however, my speaking voice is one of my best assets. I am flexible generally. Just have always thought dinner is an oddly formal first date. Nothing like the stare down across the table for an-hour-and-a-half!”

“Totally get it! Working on setting something up now and will send details shortly. Stand by!”

Then I landed home and had this date information in an email:

“Get ready for your upcoming drinks and appetizers date at [insert the name of a tapas bar!] Enjoy a cocktail or mocktail and small plate or two as you get to know one another. To make it easy to find each other, a reservation has been made under the Concierge name.”

WTF?!?!

So, the text patronization rounds began.

“I’m nervous for a 6 pm dinnertime first date. Not my thing and I will be charming.”

“Hi, Tomboy. Thank you for reaching out! We totally understand that this process takes trust and vulnerability. We are here for you every step of the way. Remember that this could be your last first date. It could also be a great opportunity for you to learn more about yourself and your ideas of partnership. Release your attachment to any outcome and keep an open mind!”

“I don’t have an attachment. I just don’t prefer eating with a stranger. I will turn up the charm.”

“That is the perfect mindset! Bringing your charm will make it a fun experience no matter what. We completely understand that dinner with a stranger can feel a bit intense. Have a wonderful time!”

I couldn’t text back.

What a pile of shit.

I said that I wouldn’t do dinner. He (this woman’s Matchmaker) set up dinner.

“Last first date” is the most revolting thing that I have ever read.

I forwarded that whole message to Hockey and she said that it made her cringe.

I should note that Hockey is a standard monogamous lesbian who has even U-Hauled a couple of times.

What exactly should I be learning about myself with respect to partnership?

And where did I lose sight of my self-awareness?

I have been in therapy off and on since I was 14 when my body was shattered and my brother was killed. I don’t need an awkward AF dinner date to help me “learn more about [my]self.”

And this poor woman! She has no idea that I don’t do dinner with strangers. Her matchmaker set dinner, which I don’t do, and likely she paid $12,000 for her package. I think that her matchmaker set her up. She’s a person. She deserves respect. I will be so nice to her. If she’s MAGA who is anti-science and hasn’t done therapy, I’ll tie it up within an hour and ask her if she’d like a hug or handshake.

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Honesty

I’ve had five dates since I broke up with Scorpio.

I have been DMing with about six other women.

I don’t have any business investing my heart in women.

At this time, I wrestle over and over with the fact that when Scorpio is mad she yells. It may begin as crying, which becomes a raised voice and later always gives way into yelling.

I can’t understand how she was able to go dark for an entire day. Having sex with three different people in 24-hours also seems like a mood cycle.

I probably shouldn’t say the latter, but after a lot of reflection, it’s very difficult for me to turn off the part of my mind which is trained.

In terms of healthy conflict, I had said that we needed to walk away from people in a park when we were out of town together and she was yelling. That time she was yelling because I said that I would go back on Saturday from the camping birthday party that she wanted me to attend with her and she said, “No.” Originally when I committed to that activity, she and I would’ve had the first night with just us together in separate accommodations. Then we’d have had two other nights in an open floor plan cabin with two other women. We wound up having a woman whom neither of us knew in our cabin that Thursday night, and then two different women from her friend group on Friday and Saturday nights.

During that conflict she told me that she would never go to an overnight party for one of my friends and that she was glad that she knew that was my boundary.

She continued to yell.

We talked about that conflict four different times and got to the bottom of it and she said that my not staying the whole time meant that I wasn’t a teammate. I understood that. I went. I did the best that I could around 60 people who I don’t know and I made three quiches for the contribution that she and I made for our brunch team. (Due to her dietary restrictions I learned how to make one that was gluten and dairy free.)

Teammate.

Does a teammate go dark for a whole day?

Does a teammate not acknowledge two texts that you send (one at 7:30 pm and another at 9:10 pm)?

Does a teammate drop a threesome bomb via text in the middle of the night?

I think that’s a coach who tells you how you’ll play everything.

Last week one of the video dates that I had was awful–I wrote about it–and the one that I had yesterday was good.

I have to admit that an adventure partner or an out-of-state travel partner feels less appealing to me given that I broke up with my girlfriend and don’t have an anchor partner. I’m left not understanding how she could unload on me when I had hurt feelings about her behavior and choices.

I can pose those three questions again and substitute the word “anchor partner” with “teammate.”

I know the answers regardless of the role of the person in each question. No.

It doesn’t change how incredibly heartbroken I am in this situation.

Scorpio and I had so many things that were aligned. We had a brilliant emotional and physical connection. There were superficial things that turned out to be fascinating in our commonality as well. We had both empty sibling and home and root houses in our charts. I have the same facial expressions that one of her partners had whom she was deeply in love with and would break up with and get back together. She looks like my murdered former sister-in-law and is an artist and witchy like she was too. We have women (different archetypes) tattooed on our left sides. We laughed so hard for hours. We could cuddle for hours too as our bodies ceased to begin and end (She said once, “Our bodies just fit. They fit perfectly.”). Scorpio and I had it going on. There is nothing that I can do to impact her volatility, deflecting responsibility, belittling, and sabotaging.

I’m committing to five sessions with a psychologist (The first appointment is today.) to reconcile my conflicting feelings and deal with heartbreak.

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Honeymoon

It’s interesting to reflect now that I’m just over the two week mark. I think that Scorpio mostly held it together for four-months illustrates that she was really trying with me.

Our travels together are the best memories that I have with dating or those when I travelled married. With previous partners there would be fatigue, complaining outside, one often got drunk, another had to rush back to her son, and then just tension overall with my ex-wife.

Scorpio and I simply travelled wonderfully together. And she was so fun, a good storyteller, and affectionate. I loved her and those things.

I’m ready to give my heart and fully embrace being in love. Scorpio has to do her work. That work is independent of me.

I had a brutal video date yesterday. There couldn’t have been less chemistry between us and she wasn’t able to flow in conversation. I knew her hobbies and how much she loves her cute dog. There was this element that made me think that she was maybe a little defensive and rusty altogether with dating. I also wasn’t attracted to her. The 30-minutes was really difficult.

I was so mad when the call ended. I texted Hockey and then called my Employee Assistance Program. I’ll go to an appointment next week with a new psychologist.

I had a phone date last night with a cool woman. She’s open, vulnerable, and deep. We talked for over an hour-and-a-half on my landline. I’ll text her today so she has my contact information.

I texted Cookies. She is always so verbose, silly and a little bit odd. I’m weird, so it works. Her texts make me laugh. I’ll take her quiche when I get back from vacation.

Today, I have to get ready to host a party.

I’m going to hold out. I want partners with the whole package. Ability to resolve conflict in a healthy way, fun, open and sense of humor are requirements. I don’t want to settle for anything because I’m willing to work in relationship too. With fewer days left than the ones lived, I think that my being in love is a gift to myself.

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Knowledge

The woman who eventually fell in love with me, who I took home from a bar one night in 2009, had the Latin phrase know thyself on one of her thighs tattooed. I’m not sure how that shook out for her. She almost drank herself to death. She has a new liver and doesn’t engage with me at all anymore.

I know myself well.

I have also made so much progress with respect to what I want in my romantic relationships.

I have learned lessons that I apply to my dating and also my love relationships.

I read the Substack “Decolonizing Love.” There was a quiz on it–that I understand fully isn’t normative–that I took to see if I would test in the realm of Solo Poly. I didn’t.

Looking at it, I agree that I am mostly autonomous, and can still show up for partners who need some help from me or like it when I take the wheel to plan dates. Apparently, I’m not solidly autonomous, so I am maybe less solo than I think.

My main problem with monogamy is that I think it’s typically something that makes sense when you’re raising kids and when you are doing something that is status quo. I prefer to reflect on my decisions and choices to determine if they are ones that I am engaging in of my own free will.

There is also no way that a single romantic partner could meet all of my needs.

Scorpio was a great travel partner.

Given her heavy THC usage, she was nowhere near athletic enough to meet my adventuring needs.

I want to hike for miles and get better at climbing.

I need another partner to fill that order.

Frankly, I want partners period and am super single atm.

The last thing included on this test are ideas about sex.

I’ll be 52 at the end of summer and I’ve never had a STI. I’m going to keep it that way if I’m able. Sexual health matters as much as my step count and athletic abilities.

There is a massive difference between polyamory and promiscuity. And the latter involves a gamble for me too.

Related to my expressions of polyamory is that I’m probably demisexual. I need a massive emotional connection and pull to get naked with a woman. Until now, I had not realized how much I prefer being love or being soul-level connected to a woman to have sex with her.

In this moment, I’m trying to ensure that this painful end that I had 12-days ago is one in which I can find lessons in resilience.

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Friendships

I had this impressive student in 2015-2016. He’s now a licensed psychologist. Last night he and I walked around a couple of parks and then the trail by the creek and had Mexican food at a Taqueria. We’re friends now because he’s done with school and we both want to stay in touch. He’s 14-years younger than me.

He had a really bad breakup. He told me about it two-weeks ago.

I told him my whole story.

He was horrified.

I asked if he like the piece about my being “fake.” And he said, “You’re a lot of things, and fake isn’t one of them.”

It is true that I’m direct. To a fault. I also have to be really careful so I’m not sharp.

I got good at being gentle with my ex-GF.

I know that I was as kind as I could be with Scorpio and my worries about her threesome.

He thought reading that in a text was inappropriate and extremely hurtful.

We hung out for two-hours. Here was his text:

“Home safe and doing laundry. Thanks for a great convo and meal together. My heart is heavy for you and all you’ve had to endure or be subjected to–it’s not fair and it’s not right. But, I’m also struck by your awareness, resolve and unwillingness to tolerate bullshit. You’re amazing.”

I have lived so many days more than the ones that I have left. I don’t want volatility, belittling, communication that is gamey and can’t deal with deflecting responsibility.

Unless something happens again, I think that I have laid to rest the topic of Scorpio’s and my four-months together.

I’m lucky.

I don’t want to wash myself clean of her. I don’t regret meeting her. She was fun, funny, passionate and great to be around. We had some amazing travels. We laughed so hard. Just because we don’t have healthy conflict, and she hasn’t treated her demons and mood, it doesn’t mean that I want to vilify her. I wish her peace.

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Rage

I had a weak moment after I left the gym having done the adductor, abductor, elliptical for 20-minutes and then the leg press yesterday morning.

I called the author.

I had some tears and told her that I was practically sitting on my hands because I wanted to see how Scorpio’s tooth extraction went.

She said, “And you won’t do that.”

I knew that she was right, and I knew that she was the perfect person to call so I wouldn’t do that.

We talked for probably half-an-hour on the phone. I finally went in the grocery store and then it ensued.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, texts started coming through from Scorpio.

I was called an “evil cunt.” I was told “fuck you bitch” more times than I have heard across a lifetime raising my son. It was vitriol like I have never seen.

I held firm that because we don’t have healthy conflict, we can’t do anything.

She said that she regretted meeting me and that she wishes she could wash me away from her body. She said that she shouldn’t have trusted me with her body and heart.

Scorpio said that I better worry if she ever sees me again.

I texted that engaging in this much negativity wasn’t good for her. I texted that I don’t return this level of anger or name calling.

My hands shook for awhile texting her back, and then I just called Hockey when I got to the car because she had an hour-long drive and wound up staying on the phone with her while Scorpio continued to blow up my phone. I was folding laundry and using my Pixel Buds and I could see the flashes of texts coming through the whole time.

I only had a half-day off from work, so I wound up going into work and after I had just cleared her messages that continued to come in, so soon after she started calling me. She must have called me ten times total. I texted that I was at work.

She said that I needed to go meet with my Boss and tell him that I abandoned her today and didn’t help.

I texted that he knew that and I’d met with him yesterday.

Because she has a specific ring tone (chimes), it kept ringing and I had two clients for group, so I powered off my phone. 2-hours later when I turned it back on I had 30 unread texts from her. She called at least twice more. The last one that I can see in our thread is 🖕🏻

Scorpio doesn’t like to text. Apparently when she’s mad enough she is able to send over 200 of them.

I called my best friend, I called Brooklyn, I had an appointment to talk with my friend who runs a polyamorous discussion group who’s a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW), I spoke briefly with the author again, and I talked with Hockey for an hour last night. Although when my best friend called I was talking with LCSW, she and I will talk sometime soon. I made a walking date with the Realtor. Portland also reached out yesterday again, and this time she made a phone date for Saturday.

When I write this part of the account down I recall Scorpio texting, “You deserve to be alone like I do.” I simply texted, “I am not alone.”

I’m not.

And yesterday solidified that I made the right decision returning her things on Friday morning. She is so unwell. Scorpio is the eternal victim.

I have to leave her unread going forward and won’t answer her calls. If she ever leaves a message, I’ll have a friend delete it. I don’t block her because that seems limiting. She can have her process. My hope is that someday she gets professional help (Reading self-help books are a start; however, you don’t pay anyone to challenge your thinking errors in that scenario.) and make amends with everyone with whom she has been volatile while accepting no accountability.

I wish her well.

The nice thing is that I’m no longer in love.

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Common Denominator

If you are abandoned by friends of many years, have really short stints of dating boyfriends, or have to mass remove people from your friends on Facebook, you should probably examine your role in conflict.

It takes two people to fight.

I don’t engage when a woman is yelling. I just listen. If she is yelling at me, it’s my job to listen. When it doesn’t abate, it’s my job to point out the yelling.

Name calling is never productive.

My ex-GF and I never called each other names.

My ex-wife criticized me, definitely called me names, attacked my character and generally gave me feedback about how I was failing everyone around me.

I won’t sign up for designated asshole in any of my romantic relationships going forward.

My Boss checked in with me yesterday because he was out Thursday and Friday given that he’s in an elite fellowship through Columbia University and had classes last week. He wasn’t at work until Tuesday. He wanted to make sure that I was ok after I had my ass handed to me during a restraint. Scorpio was to get an extraction today and maybe a bone graft too, so he asked how my partner was as well.

I told him that I had to break up with her. He seemed shocked. I said that she yells during conflicts and I can’t manage that. He’s an 8–I would bet all my pension on it–and so he said, “You can’t do this job everyday and deal with crazy at home.”

I told him that I don’t live with anyone and won’t ever again.

It’s not that I’m sitting around regretting the decision that I made.

It’s not that I don’t love her or that she doesn’t still have space in my heart.

A reader wrote recently on an entry that she may be afraid to love.

I think that’s possible.

I also think that it’s possible that she’s never learned how to fight right.

With an 8 (like me) and a 4 (like her) you have to learn how to not react at the same time. Both types are reactive for different reasons.

I didn’t react on Thursday. I simply asked her when she wanted to deal with this difference of opinion regarding going dark, leaving my texts seemingly unread, and getting into contact late at night or early in the morning on Monday by texting about her threesome.

My being hurt doesn’t make me controlling, manipulative or does it make her have to check in with me every three seconds when she is partying with her friends. That’s strange conflation and leaves my feelings completely unacknowledged. She said some odd things to me on Thursday night, and I still wonder if that was the THC.

It’s been 6-days. I’ll keep doing what I always do and that’s try to make sense of what happened. Regardless, I’m the one who decided to break up with her, and so I shouldn’t be surprised that she attacked. She is after all: Scorpio. Seems related to going dark and then having a threesome.