Tag Archives: Changes

by

April Fool’s Day

The wind died down! Woo-hoo. It was so depressing. I still was able to walk 230,460 steps for March, which was good for me as of late. I bike a ton so often that’s why my step count is lower. January and February were so trying for me because I couldn’t really cycle much. I had never truly known how much of my self-care is wrapped up in riding my bike. I have this thing wherein I like my walking and cycling to add up to more hours than being in a car. I failed miserably last month:

I had a bunch of fun with my friend yesterday at lunch. I drank two IPAs. I had the best charred chicken wings ever too. I told her that I have a goal of love for others. She said, “Like polyamory?” I answered in the affirmative. She said, “What if you meet an incredible woman and she wants you to be hers exclusively?” I told her that I would say that she is a great woman and if that is what she wants she deserves someone to feel that same way about her and build something exclusive together. When I have just written out what she asked me, my stomach truly turned the strong, black coffee that I consume every morning. There is something revolting to me about possession of a person.

I do think that marriage is a great idea. When I got married in 2014, I wanted two egos in the house–as I am forever seeking balance and have it tattooed on right bicep–to help raise my son well. She did so many things for him. I really hope that if he does get done with high school midway through next month that he calls and tells her. I would have stay married to her too; although, like I told my friend yesterday, she did wind up crying 3-4 days inconsolably weekly in the last year that she lived with me. She struggles with health and wellness. I wish her well, and am grateful to her that I finished my doctorate with her help. She will get $82,500 for it, and then I will consider our chapter completely written.

I don’t want to remarry. I don’t want to cohabitate. I also truly believe that I can be in love with 2-3 women concurrently. My friend was obviously intrigued by how that could be. I told her that I had 15-years of my writing, so it’s not like a new concept to me. Speaking of which, look what I found this week:

“I wonder if I can be very attracted to several girls at once,” as written by ______ on January 17, 2013. That’s because I always am. So, as I wrote about in March as written by the brilliant screenwriter Cameron Crowe, “So what’s love?” To me it’s being moved mind, body and soul. The soul thing is consuming and pervasive. I’ve felt in twice in my life. One lasted a few months and another lasted years. I’m fine with no sex until those three conditions are met.

My friend recommended “Attached” and there are 22 holds, so I used gift cards and ordered it. I can bike to pick it up tomorrow. I’ll give it to someone after I read it. Obviously, people are wrestling with their attachments if there are currently 22 active holds.

My colleague who almost died is in FL as I mentioned and we have her daughter. Her daughter is a year younger than my son and lightyears more advanced emotionally. I don’t know why. Anyway, she talked to me last night about her attachment to her mother and how mother-daughter relationships are complicated. Mine really wasn’t. My Mom and I only fought when she told me that I was putting on heirs going to my first round of graduate school. We weren’t the same after that, but we still had a foundation and she was my touchstone and safe point. I know that she wasn’t a treat to come out to, but we had an uncomplicated foundation that is difficult to completely explain.

I sang on Thursday and some members of my doctoral group and the nice guy from work and his girlfriend and I are singing tonight. I called the dance studio and no one is there until Monday. I may drop in there on Monday. I don’t work very much on Monday anyway. My son and my colleague’s daughter practiced a little bit last night and we taught her some chords. She has an electric guitar at home. I was so grateful that she entertained my son last night. I was also grateful that my son’s Dad went through his Federal and State returns and found an exclusion for tax rate because someone claims him as a dependent. I am looking forward to my Boss’ birthday party tomorrow. Her sister is an artist and has a huge poly community. I’ll definitely be chatting with her!

Finally, I read an article in the US version of “International Business Times” about April Fool’s Day. It likely started when folks migrated from the Gregorian calendar to the Julian calendar. There have been several types of spring jest as well. Sometimes sending someone on a fool’s errand or dressing up to make fun of the powerful is part of April Fool’s Day. All of those historical reference points seem good for a night doing karaoke with physicians and professors!

by

Attachment

The last time that I saw the climber was March 13th and we kissed a whole bunch in my car after I asked for a hug. That weekend I read Fraley (2019) for an updated view of attachment. The article was very good, so I printed it for her, but she wasn’t at work on the 20th having had car trouble weekend climbing so I’ve not given it to her and am re-reading it in the printed form. I’ll give it to her next Friday.

What’s sticking out to me now, upon reading the article another time, is that primary attachment isn’t likely an adult thing. That makes a ton of sense to me too, as when toddlers who were characterized as avoidant or anxiously attached would have disruptions as adolescents given that they didn’t have a safe space at home when they were going through tumult. I agree. Several hours before my Mom died I told her again what a good Mom she was and that I wouldn’t be who I was without her parenting. Had my Dad been responsible for me solely, I’d be on drugs, a drunk or dead. My Mom would stay up late until I got home from work, she would keep dinner on “Keep Warm” in the oven when I got home in the dark at 7:30 after a difficult swim practice and sit there while I ate it talking to me about school and practice. I was attached to my Mom in a secure way. But, she didn’t stay my primary figure.

My friends are really important to me, and I’m attached to them as a source of support. I have four best friends. A guy from middle school, a woman who I used to work for in TX, my best friend from my first round of grad school, and my best friend here whom I see in person usually monthly are people who I can only see or talk to occasionally, but feel connected to anytime that we’re together. I can always eat and laugh with my best friend. We have a love of music. She will Pollyanna things though and also has a bit of the “silver-lining” it. I don’t give her full details of my plights, and rather just tell her where I am once I get there.

My best friend from grad school was the one who knew that I was going through problems with my ex-wife in the greatest detail. My ex-wife would get overwhelmed with the way that I argue and the general fire that my son spews and would move out all the time. Oddly, she wanted to live partially here and partially in AZ ongoing. When she met a man on the Internet and had him in the house while I was in ME and asked my son about it when he was going to his Dad’s and I couldn’t talk to her about how inappropriate that was–you can’t date at a park or coffee shop?–I said that we didn’t need to talk anymore. I’m just paying her off right now. I’ll be completely done in either August or September. I told my best friend from grad school the whole story. She listened and said, “Wow” a lot. That’s all that I needed. I’m going to go see her in Germany in November. All this information to say that I don’t have a primary attachment figure and have several. Fraley (2019) summarizes research about adult attachment networks.

I have networks and am most interested now in consensual nonmonogamy, which is what the same article has detailed in the last section (Fraley, 2019). I want to treat lovers as I have friendships. I have so many friends. Because I moved 13 times before I turned 13 too I am adept at making new friends. I have also worked on being open. It was easier for me after I came out at 33. I can talk openly with anyone who I trust and am a good judge of character. The latter is probably an occupational hazard as I can read body language and also tone of voice better than most. I can easily tell who I should tell personal bits of information and who I should not. I don’t like to do what society tells me. I also believe that I can be completely in love with 2-3 women. Fraley (2019) that personal motivational factors can affect attachment. I am motivated to meet lots of women and also spend time with the climber when she wants to hang out with me. Stay tuned.

by

Try it again

I did not have to use those simulated ice tools again. They let me simply climb. They started me on a 5.9 and the start was brutal. By the time I was 10-feet up, I was shaking. I told the instructor that it was way past my ability level. I have climbed 7 times TOTAL before, so I’m not good with mini edge pieces like this one:

You slide your foot sideways on it and are barely flat on the wall. I felt really good when the instructor who has climbed all over the nation said that the start was gnarly, and also said that it was a 5.11+ climb after she couldn’t get up it all the way. Sport climbing is pretty difficult actually. I want to get back on rock. I ought to be able to do that mid-April because the climber is so nice. I needed my pinky though and because I had bowled 6 games on Thursday, and my middle finger was a little swollen and it got more swollen climbing. I need to take really good care of my hands and joints if I want to get better at climbing. The top broken pinky joint feels mostly healed, but the bottom joint still looks a little dislocated and is pretty swollen. I’ll have the OT at work look at it again next week. No more boxing or dodgeball.

I lifted on Friday and on Sunday. I want to take my dogs hiking Wednesday. I would like to get my total steps up to 300,000 by Friday. I never quite track 10,000 per day, but always get way more heart points than is recommended. I’m only up to 174,368 steps, so I need 31,000 or so everyday for the remainder of the week. It’s doable. I have a walking lunch with a friend of mine on Friday and tomorrow I am having lunch at a colleague’s parents’ house.

I am going to karaoke with my doctoral group on Saturday. I’m going to bring the nice guy from work if he remembers. I guess that you can have friends join. The cardiologist’s friend from snowshoeing saw his picture and asked me to bring him. It’s at least slightly a prowl for me. I really want to increase my pool.

My Boss turns 40 on Sunday and is having a bash. I asked the climber, but she was noncommittal. She wasn’t rude, but has been pretty adamant lately about wanting to climb soon, and hasn’t said yes to anything else; although she thanked me for calling and inviting her to the party. She’s climbing and ice climbing for a week. We’re good though. She didn’t go to work last Monday and texted back and forth with her initiation that day. After kissing in the car when we commuted home together a couple of weeks ago today, I knew that she and I were good.

It’s so nice to not be working right now. I got all my tax stuff submitted to the accountant and now am waiting for a giant bill. I made over 131K last year, so I will pay in badly. I’m going to clean some stuff around the house too. I’m getting things done that I don’t have the bandwidth to do when I go into the office everyday.

My ex-mother-in-law texted me. She has a memory of just us eating dinner in a restaurant in NM. I don’t think it ever happened. We had breakfast with her boyfriend only, but I didn’t go to dinner with just her. I didn’t argue and recommended The Shed. I hope that she and her boyfriend like it. Neither one of us made it a thing. It was a little unsettling. I would never want ill-will between us and legitimately miss her and my ex-wife’s two sisters.

I get 9-weeks of vacation this summer. I’m going to go to OR. I’ve never been. I’m going to stay in Portland two nights and then I’m actually driving–I never do that–a couple of hours to Crater Lake. I will still rent a bike so I can do the 33-mile rim ride, but will have a car. I usually use my feet or rented cycles on solo vacations. I’m going to call two companies tomorrow morning before I go to lunch. I want to have a bike with me for a couple of days when I’m physically at Crater Lake Lodge. I’m also going to boat on a booked trip to Wizard Island. I’m looking forward to spring and summer!

by

Fill Line

Whew!

I have weight machines today, but first have to drink coffee and walk my dogs. I also need to pop over to the crunch and go chiropractor because my left hip is really janky and throwing me off.

I am over the social limit. I had fun at guitar, but two teachers were talking to me during instruction, so I’ve had to practice more at home because I didn’t learn the song as well as I usually do. Bowling was fun. I was super mid averaging 115. Then Thursday we had our neighbors over for dinner and wine until 9. Friday I went to my best friend’s house and had to meet two new women. I sang like crazy, and didn’t play much. My best friend is a professional musician, so I get really shy when it’s her and others around. I could play just for her! I did sing a lot and sounded good. Yesterday two previous colleagues and I got together for Korean BBQ and Cass. I don’t even like lagers, but it was so cool and crisp–yum! Then I had a two-hour pit stop at home and my son learned the bass line for “Jumper” and brought his tiny amp that my ex sister-in-law had bought him for Christmas upstairs. It’s really fun to play. I want to sing it a little differently, so I need to memorize it. Then we went to the cowboy bar with two different previous colleagues and my current colleague who almost died and our workmate. The latter two and I do the same job. I really need to learn to dance. I have no confidence anymore. I was wishing that Owen was there. He would be patient with me, and he smells good, and is tall and gentle. I hit a wall at 11:30 and insisted that my colleague didn’t Uber and took her home. I had two big beers at 2-hour dinner, so I didn’t drink at the cowboy bar. I had a dissociative state and slept until nearly 9. I am over the fill line for being social.

This week is just as social. I have weights today, cardio with my son tomorrow, guitar class, bowling and then bowling with much of our whole staff from my main site. I’m so glad that I have Friday off of work! The weekend is cold, so I’m going to solo hike with the dogs on Friday when my son leaves for school. My goal is to practice guitar everyday and hike on the days that it isn’t snowing starting the 27th. I climb on Saturday the 25th.

I’m going to ask the climber out tomorrow afternoon. I was wanting to go to the Japanese gardens and eat, but the restaurant has permanently closed. COVID has really changed our landscape in the city. I am going to see if she’ll go north and west of town to sushi and then we can walk the neighborhood to some parks. I know that she wants to climb again soon too, and only the middle joint of my pinky is still swollen. I would like to have dinner with her on April 6th.

She introduced me to a term that I didn’t know on our ride home solo last week. It’s a phrase called, “attachment system.” I certainly knew about Ainsworth’s work with the strange situation and parent-child attachment and possible impacts on adolescent development, but thinking about anything related to one’s schema of attachment in relationships later was new to me. I printed the article that I read, and will give her the copy tomorrow. I learned about consensual non-monogamy in it in addition to attachment systems that she explained a bit. I hope that she likes the article and talks to me about her insights. Maybe over dinner in a month or so!

by

Afternoon commute

Sunday night the nice guy said that he is going to ride in solo for a day or two, so I texted the climber about our commute. The nice guy’s gf is very sick with COVID; although he is testing negative. So, it would be three of us–including my son–in, and she and I only on the way home. Yay. I got my son settled in the backseat of the car with the exception of his missing medication. I also forgot my coffee cup because I didn’t pack it in my lunch pail. If those are the worst things that happened given the time change, I’ll take it. I knocked on the dark door of her huge house and she came out very shortly. My son was nice and quiet in the backseat with the exception of making conversation about a topic that she knows a lot about, so it was a cool commute in given that I had snowshoed this weekend and she had climbed a frozen waterfall and rare formation. We had tons of outdoor conversation. She was really touched by the coffee that I made her and the milk, but didn’t use the cane sugar.

I had cooked breakfast for our whole staff and she has a mug of mine that she’s been using since then, so I went to borrow it and she said, “No, I’m going to take care of this because it has water in it.” Then she came into my office and laid against my back while I was scoring a test event. I told her that she is distracting. Pretty ballsy too as the nice guy was outside the door just feet away; although he can’t see into my office and could only hear us. I spent 10-minutes in her office at the end of lunch. She’s really easy for me to talk to and feel connected.

I told her that people have specific reactions to me just wanting to be and be open to whatever in terms of connections. I told her that people believe that I’m in a phase. She said, “Who cares if it is a phase and it ends?” I told her it’s really not given that with my marriages and the time that I was with both of them that it added up to 21-years of monogamy. Then I had exclusiveness with at least four other women now that I think about it. (I just realized that now that I’m writing.) The day to day stuff just doesn’t work for me personally, so I know that it’s not phase-oriented. I just want moments. I found out also that the climber had wanted kids and that she would still likely be married if he’d been able to have them, and that made me sad and made me understand her big, bustling household of 5 other folks who cook and host dances together. That’s her family and it’s very cool.

When we got to her house I asked her if I could have a hug. Then we wound up holding each other really close. Her breathing was a little jagged and she said, “I don’t want to get out of your car.” I told her that she didn’t have to and kissed her cheek and she held me tighter. We wound up kissing for awhile. It was so incredibly nice. Before she was getting out, she bit the front of my left bicep. I told her that we need to get together and she agreed. I’m going to see if I can get dinner with her in the next three weeks, and she wants to go climbing with me. My skin on my pinky is scaly and weird. I think it’s trying to do everything to heal up. I’ll use the dreaded simulated ice tools again on March 25th and will see how holding it with a three-fingered grip works.

She is such a complex person. I’m just starting to get to where I can ask her personal questions. I wouldn’t say that’s she’s guarded, but she doesn’t give lots of information unsolicited. She has definitely moved me on a body and mind level. I look forward to more time with her.

by

Social Butterfly

It took forever to get up to the lunch spot that the host picked. A pickup and some semis had a collision near one of the mountain passes so traffic accordioned back although the accident had been cleared. When I got there, Vegan was there! I was shocked. The host and her partner said, “Well, you pretty much have your doctorate.” So the rules are loose and you can bring friends. Check. No neuroscientist and no medical school director in attendance. Fairly nice lunch. The butterfly had hosted a Christmas Party recently and I said, “I thought that you said, ‘no more potlucks?'” She explained it was mostly outside our group, and then I learned that it was for an elite group within our group. I just said, “Gotcha. It was for people who you care about.” Lesbians can be incredibly exclusive. It makes everything difficult with dating for sure. Lunch was only slightly awkward, but the friend of the cardiologist who I’d met before at a beer garden happy hour and I talked a bit, and I finished her hashbrowns. I noted that I liked them both.

I talked a bit with Vegan. She’s a really good skier so on the downhills on the groomed snowshoeing trail, she got some speed and went down fast. I was talking with the cardiologist and her friend again, and helped the cardiologist get into her cross country skis by pushing the side of my gigantic snowshoe into the front of her ski and she got clipped in. (My snowshoes were given to me by my ex who just got a liver transplant, and she’s a hair under 6′, so they’re really too big for me, but I’m a minimalist amd won’t buy new snowshoes.) However, there was massive ice on the road between the trails, so the cardiologist fell and had to go back. Our group met up with them again on the downhill and I told the group, “I’m going back up with them because I drove all the way up here, and have barely hiked!” The cardiologist was faring much better in snowshoes! Great conversation and connection. I just love the cardiologist and her friend.

We got down to the bottom and were hanging out in a group–Vegan was gone because she had another obligation–and I told them about karaoke a couple of Thursdays ago. The host said that would be our next thing. It will be cool. I explained that things happen there like me kissing 30-year-old women so we need to keep things on the dl. Social butterfly was in costume and her snowshoes still, but everyone else was loosening up and getting beer samples. Then the cardiologist and her friend and I caravanned back to their hotel and spa and went to dinner. We had a wonderful time. I’ll make sure that I see them as often as they can make time to meet up with me. They included me and were genuinely interested in me. I had such a wonderful time yesterday and feel encouraged–so grateful that I’m even dealing with losing an hour this morning!

by

Keepin’ on

I biked about 10-miles and some change on Sunday. I went to a very small lake in a park in our city and laid down. Before I did that I sent GA a text. Her name isn’t Georgia, but she lives there. I just don’t want to call her Rugby although she played it in college because that evokes a certain look and she’s really feminine. In fact, she’s the most feminine woman who has ever kissed me. I would’ve thought that she was straight actually. I laid down on the other side of a drainage ditch about 20-feet from the lake and closed my eyes. On the dormant grass I was in a windbreak, but it was roaring. I could only hear the seagulls calling and with the high wind it was like the ocean. I laid there for 10-minutes with the sun on my face. Gorgeous.

GA and I texted all afternoon into early evening. It was Q & A and really nice. It definitely cut the loneliness. On Thursday, Vegan texted me and asked if I could go to the restaurant with her. I’d told her that it had the best Green Goddess dressing that I had ever had when we had lunch two weeks ago. We had such a good time at lunch. We have dinner next Friday. I’m looking forward to it. I might like her. I’m not sure.

Today I was waiting for the nice guy from work to show up for our commute. I’m going with him and his girlfriend to karaoke next Thursday. I texted him that it was no rush, but I was wondering and he said minutes later that the climber had just picked him up. They finally got to my house and we went to work. She sat in the back, and was pleasant and more open than she’d been last Monday.

I worked and was doing massive amounts of paperwork and finally went to warm up part of my lunch. I didn’t want to go back to my office. I’ve been so lonely. I peeked into her office and said, “Are you busy?” She said she wasn’t. I said, “I don’t want to eat alone, may I eat in your office?” She said that I could. We had a really nice conversation. She laughed a lot, blushed a little and I found out that although she nor her ex are neither satisfied with the terms that mediation is done and she’s glad it’s over. She also said it’s getting warmer so we need to go back to the spot where we climbed in October. It was a nice ride home and I told her commuting partner that she was getting shotgun. We all chatted and joked and such. Balanced car trip back to my driveway where her car was parked, and then we all said, “See you Monday.” It was so much nicer than it’s been.

I’m going to send GA a picture of me tomorrow. The one that I’d sent her with my fall kickball team is ok, but I look too skinny, so I’m sending one tomorrow. I’ll watch my son’s team play and then lift weights and my son can get a good picture of me. I would love to see her again. It would be possible at the end of next month, but I’m being calm and cool.

I was pretty sad this week given the injury. I can type now, but I can still feel where the fracture is. It’s also very purple at the top joint. I have to bowl on Wednesday, so I’ll have to get creative with taping or really bandage it. I decided to play kickball on the old league and bowl for this gay league. I think that’s the safest sports with young, huge men.

I guess these girls don’t look masculine. One could be GA before she puts on her makeup and fixes her hair.
by

Broken

Not my heart, but my pinky. I thought that I had jammed it because I was holding a ball when a shot was near my head so I blocked it with the ball that I was holding. It really hurt, but I could bend both joints. I couldn’t play though and our team manager got pissed. It was Super Bowl Sunday and we didn’t have a full team. I was sorry that we were at a disadvantage, but couldn’t use my right hand well. We lost. She was pretty nasty to me. She’s a little weird anyway and sneers, but she was visibly mad about my hand.

The next day after my shower it was zombie colored. I knew that it was broken. I showed the climber and her commuting partner. They were in my car. I don’t have a good read on the climber anymore. She’s not cold, but definitely not effusive any longer. I don’t want details and didn’t give her or her commuting partner who I drove to work any information about my Poly-Cougar kissing episode at the bar on Friday. I’ll drive them next Friday and will have to see if they like riding with me when my son is in the car because I’ll have to give him a lift once a week when I drive. I dropped her off at her house and she said, “Bye.” I don’t know. I also don’t chase. I’ll just see what the next month or so involves.

Conversation was pretty dominated by her commuting partner on the way in and then she asked me a question about my son that was open-ended on the ride home. I have been encouraged by his openness and attitude lately so I told her and him about my hopefulness. She talks more in describing adventures in the car, and frankly lately. I don’t even know how mediation with her ex for the house has been going. I guess that I don’t feel close with her. I can be open, but she seems maybe a little guarded. I’m not going to give energy to thinking about why, and will drive them both next Friday if they want to save gas and be green.

I got a popsicle stick from work and waterproof tape and have my finger splinted. I have been toggling over with my ring finger to type, but shifting is very awkward and slow. It’s ok because the pinky is easiest. It’s just the shifting thing that is super slow. It could be much worse.

I probably won’t get to play in our last couple of dodgeball games. I’m only going to play kickball for this league. I don’t want to be around the team manager who is a varsity dodgeball player. I may go back to the other league anyway because I don’t have to play on a gay league. I had fun last summer. There was a woman who gave me wine and she was friends with a lesbian married couple on that league, so I can probably still meet woman in the other league.

I had so much fun in guitar class last night! The teacher is a nut and I’m honing my skills. I’m going to play a song at open mic at the bar. I would like to get the strumming pattern for “Little Bit of Love” down completely and do a sing-a-long. I’m going to practice all weekend. I have my grief group for the loss of my parents tonight, which always helps. My colleague who almost died is going too. Life is pretty good right now.

It’s snowy and pretty today. Since Saturday I’ve biked 24-miles, so with biking everyday Friday through Tuesday, I ought to get to at least 50. I won’t bike today, but maybe I can bike to work on Thursday. I can do that with a broken, splinted pinky!

by

More loose ends

I process things pretty slow. I’m also long-suffering. Those qualities do not make for a good match in exclusive partnership. Anyway, as I write all of the time as I’ve been doing since last November these features have made me want independence, and to love and enjoy others in specific places and times. I won’t live with someone again until I am in my 80s and need some help from someone younger who I pay with whom I have a business relationship. I will not remarry. I think that monogamy works for a handful of people. I have not been exposed to a marriage that I thought was working for both people in my sphere. I know that they exist, but it always seems like massive sacrifices are made by one person more than the other when I know both people. That is where I am.

I had talked to my ex who is dying slowly on January 21st and was on car adapter through speakers with her and her wife. The conversation was bizarre. It spanned medical procedures and the new cars that they’re thinking about buying. It made sense finally to me why she reconciled with her wife. I guess she was broadcasting their business on Facebook, and talking about their fights and possible divorce. I don’t get on Facebook unless someone tells me that I have to log in: eg. pickleball dues or a post that they need me to address. Didn’t ask how I was. Didn’t inquire about my son who she always says that she adores. I get she’s on a transplant list. I knew all the stuff that had happened via text when I donated to her Go Fund Me. I don’t like cars. I bought a sport utility vehicle in 2008 and still drive it. It was two-years-old. I repair it and put parts in it. I’m not going to hustle down there. I’ll go see them when it’s necessary.

I have a sinus infection. I guess what is going around is bacterial. I’m NOT getting antibiotics. Work was difficult, but definitely not impossible. And then I bought everything and took it for the first time last night, and I slept through the night except to blow my noise once and my throat is good. One night of vitamins and such. I always have Kickass Immune and EmergenC, and still have a little bit of the Chinese herbs that my ex-mother-in-law used to send, but I needed to add these until I felt cessation in sinus pressure and a sore throat:

I COVID tested negative–again–why don’t I get COVID? I have to be careful with zinc. It sends to nauseate me or make me throw up. I think that the sources on the left were more water soluble so it was fine. I also made mushroom risotto, chicken cutlets with panko and kale chips in the oven last night, so I was pretty full when I took these zinc.

I didn’t see the photographer at the art performance. She texted me the next day and said that she was texting with the woman who I was able to sit with–and her boyfriend and a lesbian couple. She said that she was sad not to run into me. So, I’ve texted with her a little bit about the sale of house this summer. I don’t actually want to hike or cycle with her. I want a professional relationship. I saw a few pictures of her recently and didn’t find her attractive. At the beginning of April, we’ll do a walkthrough pending the late afternoon that works for the tenants who pay bills there. I’m not hugging her and will bring my son if I can make it work with his schedule. He’s a good buffer. He’s also very good looking, so he distracts people.

He’s going back to high school. Not his high school, but one in which he can blend online and in person classes. He told me last night that he wants mostly in person classes. I don’t care, and am glad he’ll have a diploma instead of a GED. There still is some stigma. In his case, it’s truly being lazy. I have to hire a driver. Uber and Lyft have too broad a window, and I want him to be on time. He can take the city bus home. His Dad can take him once a week, and I can take him once a week. Hopefully, it won’t be as expensive as his out-of-pocket therapy that ended a week ago was. He has to go to school nine weeks only–not a year-and-a-half. They’ll get his schedule done on Monday. His personal essay for the application said that in 6th grade the friends that he had controlled him rather than knew him, and that COVID killed all his motivation for school. I wonder who else has a student like my son?

I have to study today and also read. I have a training of trainers event on Tuesday and Wednesday and work on Monday and have convention things all day on Thursday and Friday. There is a corporate sponsored party on Tuesday night as well. Maybe I should have my son stay at our house and I should stay in the hotel with an old friend? No, I won’t sleep well and that seems a little bit 20-something. Regardless, I’m excited for the convention.

by

Saturday

I took a class on the artificial wall again, and we used ice tools. Imagine a slanted hammer with a handle, and also some edges half up it and a movable leather loop. There isn’t a loyalty free simulated ice tool available so I drew it for you here and you must imagine trying to find ledge pieces on an artificial wall from which you attach the leather instead of using your hands. That meant that when I slung it onto a ledge piece on the wall and then stepped up and threw it to another piece I fell. Not gracefully. Boom. Hit my back, flail off and away. Simulated ice tools. Real fun.

I have drawn the simulated ice tool for you to view using the Paint App–you’re welcome

I had a ton of fun though. The instructor was the same main guy from the class that I took late summer and told the climber about. That means that since I’ve healed from my injuries, I have now had the same instructor for the same class and then this class with simulated ice tools from one of the instructors from the first outdoor class ever. When I retake his day and a half class this spring, I shall have come full circle. I should do well, and still want to try to climb weekly if possible. I like it and will likely get better. Just don’t know about simulated ice tools at this stage for me.

There were eventually three other students. I spent about an hour and half climbing and stayed there for 2.5 hours. The instructor is also a dancer and has mutual friends within the dance community with the climber. Small scene: dancing climbers. I told the instructor that she was my colleague and she is. I’ve just had three make-outs with this particular colleague.

I also redid my highlights and they’re legitimately red now and did two haircuts. Yes, two. Getting the undercut the way that I wanted it was a tall order. I’ll include a loyalty-free picture here for you of an undercut.

I have salt and pepper hair though

My new-to-me-salon-cosmetologist doesn’t have a barber’s license, so I had to go elsewhere to get my mountains. I have mountains in my undercut because I went to a Barber Shop and two guys worked on my mountains in the back of my hair in my undercut. The back of my hair is mostly dark brown while the front is pretty gray these days. I’ve actually been noticeably gray since 26, and my ex-wife “encouraged” me to go gray during COVID. The word is loose as it was more like, “I can’t believe that every three weeks you put plastic into the environment and rinse all that toxic shit down the drain. You have to dye it outside, because it’s giving me hives. Gray hair is sexy. You’re so rigid.” It’s highlighted now anyway and has been for two-months, and with the undercut, I think that I look badass.

I am fair to midland. I am super excited for dodgeball league that starts tomorrow night. Hopefully, it will be super social and improve my mood. Talking on the artificial wall today and to three different hair professionals was also fun.

On Thursday, I went to the bar and sat down at the bar. A girl asked to sit with me. She was cool and kind so I bought her GIGANTIC shot of Patron. I thought that she was Gen Z and she thought that was hilarious. I think that there are child millennials and just on the edge of Gen X millennials. She was on the child side. She wanted to buy me a drink and I declined. Anyone who reminds me of my son cannot buy me a drink. I owned “Hit me with Your Best Shot,” and then took myself out to sushi. It was fun.

I brought home takeout after my haircut and another errand. I am playing fortune cookie love life. Here is my closing:

by

Snowed in

I hope that my group therapy isn’t cancelled tonight. It may be. All government and city entities are closed today. When I got up this morning, I thought it was overblown, but now it’s steadily snowing again. It’s actually beautiful. I’ll shovel some of it shortly.

I want to get a few groceries and pick up my son’s meds. I’m getting his SSRI stockpiled so he can I can taper it when he’s more stable. I’ll go get his stimulant out of the nurse’s office at school so he can take one when he takes the GED practice test and one more when he takes the real thing. Then he’ll have to get another job. I am still upset that he blew one of them, as he could have had two nights and a weekend day going for his coaching, but at least his boss let him keep one gig. The season changes in April, so maybe he can coach three teams, and do some other piece work.

I have still been playing and singing, and doing some with him. He is really good at strumming. I’ve not practiced classical which I took in high school, so hitting alternating notes is pretty difficult for me and I want to sing and chord, but strumming patterns are difficult. He drummed while I played and sang last night and I want to make sure that when he’s not doing a closing shift that we keep doing that when it’s night. So fun for us and he’s a really good drummer. He had toyed with getting a 5-year music degree for awhile and did a university visit. I don’t know what he’ll wind up doing and it could take him some time. I don’t want to chime in anymore. I’m actually relieved that he is dropping out because when your kid doesn’t go to class, it’s incredibly burdensome. Seems pointless.

The climber texted me a couple times yesterday. It will be nice to see her on Friday. I still won’t ask her out though. That’s her ball and not mine.

I’ll text the photographer Happy Birthday tomorrow. I’d be shocked if in the next two months that she texted me to plan a bike ride. I won’t ever touch her again though.

I kiss my best friend every time I see her. I kiss her goodbye too. Most of my other friends are not ones that I hug because they give out that don’t hug me vibe. One thing that I actually loathe is the shitty hug. Do you know what a shitty hug is? You get kinda close and turn your head and then put your arms around the shoulders of the person that you’re “hugging” and pat. I think that I’d rather scrape a plate over and over with a metal fork. Why even try?

This explanation brings me to my friend and my new rules for the Prowl. We’re not sitting with each other anymore, but will rather reconvene. We’ll work the room and talk to women and then touch bases at the bar and not on the couch. I’m going to scan too and talk to women and then settle. For our first two Prowls we sat with each other. We need to rove and talk about it. I sat alone Sunday night at a different bar, and then got hit on by men. Not sure why because I had on a beanie with a rainbow flower stitched on it. When that article of clothing also got complimented by a man who just kept staring at me from his table full of friends, I just took it off completely. Men are certainly emboldened when they are having some drinks.

I’m going to lift weights at home today. I’m going to do bench, some strategic bicep work, and forearms.

I really need to recycle mail too. Ugh. I’m missing a therapy manual too, and don’t have any clue where it is. I paid to have it printed because it’s somewhat scripted and it was better to have it in a binder to use. It cost me a ton to print, and I need to find it. I think that I may have brought it to the class that I taught in February, so I wouldn’t have left it at the University, as I’m good about getting everything into cloth book bags when I tear down the room. It’s definitely not in the building that is my main site because I worked on the file cabinet there yesterday waiting for a contentious meeting. I had my colleagues go through stuff in my other building because we’re all doubled-up now and they didn’t find it, but I want to take a peek too. Can I just tell you how glad that I’ll be when I have my own office again?

I’m starving. I try to wait to eat 12-hours after I ate. My son and I watched two episodes of “Supernatural” after we jammed, and I was eating swiss cheese. Hahahaha. So funny. I’d made a homemade pot pie for dinner, but he and I had some wine that our neighbors made so I was hungry. I have to hold out about half an hour more before I make some pumpkin pancakes so it’s 12-hours apart.

The last thread in my mind is that I’m mad again. I actually almost called my ex-wife this weekend and then mentally talked myself off that ledge. It’s weird to spend 9-years with someone (and married for 8), and then they’re poof. It wouldn’t do any good though. I remember one time that she moved out and sent me the video link to “Mirror” by Justin Timberlake and said that I was the love of her life and we have to try. So, we tried, and tried, and tried, and tried. Chapter is closed, but I wanted to talk to her this weekend. She’s moved out permanently this time and lives two states away. It would be great if she was more stable now that she lives with her Mom. That’s the energy I’ll send.

by

Landed

On Friday night I taught and was done at 7, and I was really hungry. My son had been at the music studio and he had met his ex-girlfriend there. I really like her. I don’t like them together. She has poor health in all facets, so I think that he was drawn to her because of my ex-wife honestly who was also in poor health all around. Anyway, we went to dinner. The kids told me that they want to get back together and I said, “That’s not a good idea. You should be good friends, and _______, if you want to break up with ____ you should talk to her. It’s likely impulse and it’s comfortable seeing ___ again.” They listened and considered all of it. Her mother met us there and we hugged and chatted. She invited my son and I to family karaoke.

I did my walk Saturday. My colleague who tried to kill herself called me and we we talked awhile. I played guitar, I sent the required paperwork to the Bank Manager for the house, and cooked a bit. I took my car to get detailed because I want it very clean when women who are new to me go places with me, and then although it’s still pretty icy, I biked 7-miles to go shopping. I got some dog food, new jeans and finally found a red t-shirt. Why is it difficult to get a red t-shirt?

When I got home, I had really rough conversation with my son and found out that he had only been to a few classes in the last two weeks. His Calculus teacher reached out to me via text. He said that if I gave him $2 a day, he’d go to all his classes, and that sounded like a cheap way for me to preserve some sanity for what I call my jail sentence. I have just over a-year-and-half left with him here. He has to move out when he turns 18.5. He has a move out day. Then my son left to his current girlfriend’s house for her father’s birthday party. I fed my pets and did a little cleaning and took them on a nice walk. While playing guitar, I got a text from my son that he was coming home.

He’s dropping out. I think that he’ll pass the GED in his sleep. He’s so good at math and a good writer, and will just need to work off the study guide for Science and Social Studies, but for the latter he passed an Advanced Placement exam two school years ago doing nothing. It’s not that he isn’t bright. He can’t navigate social dynamics and now can’t go to class at all. It’s definitely upsetting. Not what you want for your child either. He has to get another job and doesn’t drive, so he’ll have to bike or walk to work. His ex-girlfriend messaged his current girlfriend during the birthday party and a mess ensued. Doors slammed, awkward whispering, and he came home. Suffice to say, I had shitty sleep Saturday night and Sunday was difficult.

I talked with my colleague who tried to kill herself–she’s a single mother too. I got a text from the wife of my ex who is dying, and she had to get two units of blood on Saturday night and they can’t find the bleed. I’m buying tickets for the end of March to NC, and am hoping to see her with my son. That may not be the timing and I’m distraught about it. And I drove to the Rec Center and added 15-20 lbs more than I’d been using on the machines. I was still in a hideous mood and tried two friends, and it went to VM. I walked a bit over a mile and drank my recovery drink. When I got back to the car his girlfriend texted me that my son had a “family iPhone.” I was shocked. I called my colleague who tried to kill herself. As I was driving back to my house, I kept her call in the pocket of my jacket. I went to his room and said, “_______, ____ texted me and I need the iPhone that she gave you.”

At the time, I never thought in a million years that parents would undermine MY parenting and not talk to me regarding a smart device as they knew that the flip phone was a consequence. I kept my colleague on the phone. I went to their house, put the phone on the porch and took a picture which I sent to the girlfriend’s Dad and Stepmother. He texted, “Thank u.” Are you kidding me? My son’s on a flip phone and subscription separate GPS! On what planet do you give a child a phone who’s had a phone for 7-years and doesn’t get to have technology in his room? Why is that your decision? I woke up my son, said it all made a lot of sense why it’s been easy for me to collect his district-provided laptop and flip phone at night, because he’s never had to stop using text and social media messaging. And what’s worse is that other parents made that decision for me.

Although my mood was only slightly less hideous, it was then horrific. I was vile. My son asked if he should move out and I told him no, but whenever his Dad can have him overnight that he should. I just need space. Not that a 17-year-old understands interfering in other people’s parenting, and her parents apparently handed over the phone to him “so it would be easier for him to text their daughter.” I told him that they have bizarre boundaries, and it’s not his girlfriend’s fault, but I have no trust in them and he’s not permitted to date her ever again while living with me. I got a text from his ex-gf’s mom saying that she would include me in the next family karaoke, but her daughter hasn’t been feeling well all day and she’s not going out with her friends. I thanked her. I hope that I do hear from her again, as she’s cool and that sounds so fun. Just before 7, my son’s Dad picked him up. I was in a hideous mood still. So, I went to a new karaoke bar and put my name in and sang. People at this venue were really good, so my first song was mid. My second song was wonderful. Too bad what was derivative of that was two guys hitting on me and one trying to buy me drinks. I was polite and declined, but then didn’t wait for my next rotation. I just went home. I slept like a rock last night. I feel so good today. I’ve landed.

I’ll text the climber happy birthday. She apparently wasn’t at work on Friday, so I’ll text her that I hope that meant that she wasn’t sick, but was rather extending her plans to add a day. I don’t think that she’ll text back. She’s been bad about that as of late. However, I do me and I’m conscientious and wish people Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday. I don’t chase, and won’t ask her out again. We shall see. She’s sexy and incredibly fun. She lives with five people though and they dance all the time and also do elite outdoor adventuring. Admirable for sure, but not something that someone can just simply join into and I wouldn’t want to do so. I’m up for a sing-a-long if that ever happens.

I’m NOT texting or calling the Photographer. After we get back from NC I’ll send her an email calendar notice for late afternoon some early April day so that we can walk through the house. That’s it.

I’ve had this situation happen before wherein things fizzle and then I have new experiences. The main difference now is that I’m not looking for an exclusive thing. Case in point is these two situations. One could be my crazy adventurer, and the other could be my coffee and hiking / biking companion. I would love to add a third too. Like a woman to traipse around a museum and go to live venues for music. I have what I want dialed in and won’t compromise anything.

  1. Honesty
  2. Independence
  3. Boundary
  4. Kindness
  5. Love big and with no limit

by

Goals

How many people are writing about these today? Or tomorrow? Anyway. It’s really important for me to think about.

I went indoor climbing and finally got up a route because I watched my old work husband’s wife do it and studied her body for handholds and steps up, and then had lots of encouragement from them both. I was so proud. When we were at sushi afterward, I got a text from from the photographer ensuring me that she only wanted to be friends. I wrote back, “Want to play pickleball? We can definitely be friends.” Then weirdness ensued.

My old work colleague who had kids a year after I had my son actually reached out to me Monday and said that she wanted to hang out on Wednesday, so although I’d not heard from the photographer, I said that she and I would play pickleball with her in the morning. It usually is only about an hour. I thought that the photographer and I would hike afterward.

My old work colleague cancelled in the morning on Wednesday via text at 6:30 a.m. She had named noon as a start time. I was so irritated. Why call me and say that you want to hang out on Wednesday? She has an extra racket, so I needed her. I only have mine. The photographer has never played before and wants to learn. My old work colleague was also bringing another woman so that we could all play. Have no idea why she didn’t bother to look at her work schedule. The photographer said that it was cool and she was thinking a bike ride, but it’s going to rain. I sent her a picture that I’d sent the climber in November of my bike on a No Parking Sign at my main building that I work in with ice everywhere in the background. I ride almost no matter what. Almost. I just slowly said that I was sorry, and I hope that our paths cross sometime soon. I have to sell a house in the fall, so she’s the one that I want to do that. Also, I always do what I say I’ll do and if she contacts me, I’ll take her safely up a high peak.

I see my best friend tonight, so I want to when I hug her just say, “Hey, ___ wants to be friends and I’m totally fine with that.” I don’t want to talk about it much because they’re pretty decent friends. I’ve realized that when I meet people through my best friend that there is no way to keep much clean and she’s kinda in our relationship. Not really a big deal, because she doesn’t have too many single friends, so I don’t see it happening again.

One of my goals is to just stay calm and cool about everything with respect to woman who you want to date. You can’t control other people, and honestly you wouldn’t want to do so if you’re being honest with yourself.

I have to grade today and tomorrow. I haven’t graded.

Instead, I worked because I need the money because one of my checks was $400 less than it usually is and that job doesn’t start again in February like it usually does. Yikes. So I did two cases and got quite a bit of money, but had to pay my best friend $300 for rent and other things that I need for cases. I changed my disclosure statement to reflect administrative fees going forward that I’ll collect directly from clients for $150 per case. Doesn’t solve my problem of really needing money now though. The issue is that I’m still paying my ex wife every month until August, and then in the late summer or fall when I sell a house, the buyers can pay her directly through the title company the remainder that she and I decided upon. That is a burden externally and internally for me. I need to do my very best to keep spending down and also beg if I need to for a monthly case. Those will mean that I only have to come up with $70 extra to pay my ex wife.

Money won’t always be like this. In fact, I talked to my best friend from my first round of grad school last week, and I’ll go see her in Germany in November if I can get a passport quickly right after the house sells. Mine expired in 2014. I’ve only been to BC and Mexico. I will have quite a lot of money in the fall, and I do want to go to Europe. I want to see Rhineland, which is where my mother’s folks originated, and I want to see Bavaria and the Alps. Otherwise, I am open to whatever and so lucky to finally have actual money so I can travel abroad. It’s coming, but I have to be very careful right now.

A second goal is to think about all spending until the house that I can sell is sold.

I had wonderful prowl last night with my old friend. She fixed her makeup expertly and looked really pretty. I am very fit right now. I don’t think that my waistline has looked like this since probably 2013. My old friend kept saying that she needed to pull her shirt out because she didn’t want her belly to show. I think that some of it has to do that I don’t have any body fat in my waistline and really that has been a long time since I’ve been without love handles and the like. I think that the oblique work that I’ve been doing has been helpful. She is more than welcome to do circuits or anything with me!

That brings me to my next couple of goals. I really want to get bigger again. I used to have huge biceps. I had a weight day that you can do with 20-lb dumbells and then at least 30-lbs on a barbell–you can use more weight. I got freaked out because my orthopedic surgeon said that it might be best for me not to do anything over my head anymore. She didn’t say no. So, I want to do that routine once weekly and I can do that at home. It doesn’t require anything that I don’t have.

A third goal is to add back my A Weights day to my routines.

I took my old friend out to dinner last night and we drank sake with our food. I can’t believe how much I ate. I had done 6 machines for triceps, biceps and rhomboids, and did drink 32-ounces of whey protein and ate a sandwich, but I was still starving. Then at the bar for our prowl, I had two beers over the course of four-hours and drank three glasses of water. I feel tip top today.

My fourth goal is to monitor well drinking and never over indulge.

I bought myself a Christmas present. It’s beautiful. It’s a guitar with a built-in tuner that is 3/4 size. I want to get better. I’ve been playing and singing “A Little Bit of Love” and just started learning “One Sweet Love.” I have played, historically, classical guitar, so I do look stupid with a steel string acoustic up in the air on my left side, but I can’t play otherwise. I have been singing my ass off at home. I also sometimes play “Every Rose has it’s Thorn,” but the range is a bit on the low end. Anyway, because of this activity, last night when I could hear myself, I thought it sounded good. I sang “We Belong.” (It’s really hard to hear yourself in a bar on karaoke speakers.) Three people came up directly and said that I was amazing. A little, young blond woman talked to my friend and she motioned to me sitting on the couch and the girl beamed. Also, there was a hazel eyed dark haired woman who smiled at me several times afterward and also would come into the room where the stage was. At the end of the night, I went to the bar and tapped her shoulder. She didn’t talk to me. I said, “I just wanted to say ‘Happy New Year’ to you,” and she smiled so big. She thanked me. Then she hugged me and we hugged tight. It felt so good. It felt similar to hugging the climber.

My fifth goal is to be bold and approach women for a nice exchange and maybe a hug.

My sixth goal is to keep singing.

My seventh goal is to practice a bit of classical again, and get really good on my beautiful guitar with chords and singing simultaneously.

I was disappointed to not have a cycling and hiking partner anymore. I don’t think that the photographer really bikes all that much. I think she’s more into yoga. Also, she said that she wanted to do a less intense hike, so the 5-8 miles much have been a bit much for her baseline.

So, I’d like to meet a younger woman who is very driven to hike and bike. I only say younger because women in their mid and late forties don’t have the energy that I do with the exception of my best friend from work who wished me good luck when I’d not connected with the climber in a couple of weeks. She is badass. I am pretty sure that she turns 50 in May. However, she lives in TX. And she just bikes around on a cruiser.

My eighth goal is to find a pretty woman to hike and bike with during the week and for a couple of hours when it works on the weekend.

I’m bold, and direct. I have no need to dwell on what a woman is doing when she’s not around or making plans with me. I’ve always been able to support myself and my son. I have no desire to support a woman. I’m on a path to financial solvency. I’m fit and getting fitter. I care passionately about my health. I have a distinctive speaking voice and through a hobby am getting my singing voice to meet my deep and easy to listen to speaking voice. I love women. I love hugs with chemistry. I took guitar as an elective in high school and now have a beautiful instrument. I want to get really good. I love my bike. I love to hike.

  1. Calm and cool
  2. Spend less
  3. Do you
  4. Lift like a girl
  5. Healthy alcohol consumption
  6. Get big
  7. Love / Connect / Lead with Heart
  8. Sing
  9. Play guitar

by

Drinking with the climber: Points of reflection

She had to go to a legal conflict resolution session with her ex yesterday because the person leading it couldn’t meet on Monday. When I got to my event, one of the other professors and her female partner left. It was really awkward. I made a joke about it, and they said it was their one-year anniversary, but it was odd. I told them that I would see them in March because they’re organizing cross country skiing. That’s something that I want to learn how to do, and all the classes that I tried to sign up for at the beginning of the month are now full, so I’m really glad that one of the professors with whom I work has organized a trip. The other professors and I hung out for about an hour and she finally texted that she was on her way! By that time, only the woman who is a mentor to me and did my post-doc for me was there, but I’ve known her years and she was a little lit, so she was being super fun when the climber got there.

She looked so tired. I put my arms around her and hugged her tight, but her energy was really low. She came back to be with us and I said, “I’m getting a beer!” I had drunk water for an-hour-and-a-half because of my baggage / experience. My ex who is dying would be loaded all the time.

I flew to Mexico in 2010 for Thanksgiving and she missed me at the airport and all the resorts there have the same name, so with my Spanish that is high school Spanish, I hailed a cab and drove around. Finally the cab driver said, “Do you think that this one is it?” I sat in the lobby. She hadn’t even bothered to give me her mother’s last name. I used the courtesy computer and emailed her and sat in the lobby for an hour (Does anyone reading this entry remember international roaming and being unable to text?). At that point, a woman who I believed to be her sister, and her nephew, and his girlfriend got off the elevator in swimsuits and towels. I ran toward them and introduced myself. If I remember correctly, they said that my ex was at the pool or in a cabana or something, or maybe she’d gone to the room? My ex did apologize, but she was really tipsy. When I flew into Key West for our last trip ever in September of 2011, I finally found her in a pool at a hotel wherein she’d texted me the name because at least that trip was in country. She was topless swimming in a pool and got out eventually when she saw me.

Don’t drink when your date isn’t there yet. Don’t even order a beer or glass of wine. Read the room, and energy. When she got there she had a Moscow Mule, I believe, and later had an Old Fashioned. I can’t drink hard alcohol, so I had two IPAs. I was definitely tipsy. She can hold alcohol way better than I can. I’ve now made a decision. No more solitary drinking. I have had a beer most nights for many, many years. But, I am done. I’ll have two beers with a friend or on a date when my date is drinking. I also will have beers when I cook for friends. It’s time for me to shift some habits and not mute things that are annoying through drinking when I’m home alone with my son. It’s dissociative. So is watching a movie on my phone. No more alone tactics like these.

My mentor puts everyone at ease and is extroverted, reads well dynamics, and the climber started getting acclimated and livened up a ton. The climber is so charming, funny and easy to talk to. She bantered with my mentor and they discussed grading in a post-COVID environment, living and teaching abroad, and also my mentor told stories from her youth and the climber engaged, was laughing and asking her questions, and was so easy and fun. What a contrast from my ex-wife who was so awkward all the time around my colleagues. She wouldn’t even let me have colleagues over for dinner and when my mentor came over after I turned 40 and had dinner with me, she buzzed around the kitchen. My mentor remarked again on how beautiful my ex-wife was. Although true, I don’t miss having to limit any social interactions and worry that when we were around people–particularly those who are educated–she would sometimes fight with me after they left. She’s not like that with her family, or two of her friends from high school, but isn’t comfortable around many people. I can’t believe that I convinced myself it was normal.

My mentor left around 8:30 or so, and the climber said, “Can I join you?” and snuggled up with me in the booth. I said, “I would love to take you out to dinner.” She said, it was probably around nine, “The hour for fine dining has passed.” I cracked up. I asked her about the conflict resolution and she said that there was some limited headway. I was so glad. We talked about how our vacations were going to shake out. She kissed me and I told her it was my lifetime quota for kissing in public. I said, “Quota is the wrong word. It’s that I’ve kissed you in public more than anyone who I have been with combined.” I said a few phrases in Spanish, and she got all fired up. Spanish just has some precision in phrasing that doesn’t translate well in English, so I use them. Check. Going forward will speak in Spanish for at least part of the night every time we’re connecting.

She ate some sweet potato fries, and I was no longer hungry at all. We talked and talked. She explained her impressions of people and not seeing gender in anyone. She talked about three days with her sister and Mom and Dad for Christmas. She talked about her camping plans. This time, she didn’t ask me about dates that I have (I have only one.) and generally seemed more confident about my not wanting exclusive. I did tell her that when I make plans, I would like to pay. I also told her that I want to go caving with her and do some hiking or climbing in the south. I think that we can do that this summer or spring. She is always game for an adventure.

We kissed, and I put my hands all over her arms and also was touching her left thigh. I always wind up touching the tops of her hands. They’re fascinating. I finally got to palm mine with hers. It’s remarkable because mine are so small for my height and hers are huge for hers. We talked about being the shortest and darkest in our families. She touched my right leg once and said, “You have on corduroys too!” We both like the sensory experience of wearing them and petting them. We talked about doing that when we are sitting or in meetings and love the feel of them. I used the word “basic.” She said that illustrates the only age difference. I guess I get it, but I am WYSIWYG. My son calls girls in white Adidas who have a certain look “basic,” so that must have been what the climber was referencing.

She got tired, hit a wall, and I put on my gear and she walked me out. When I put on my reflection straps and helmet, I felt like a dork. I apologized, and she said, “I’m waiting until you get that put away (my lock) and then I’m getting another kiss.” I remembered her her side comb, and said, “I have something for you.” She said that it was from her wedding. Besides her shoes, it was the only thing that she’d removed after the ballet when I was ultimately in a bra and underwear in my bed. I think that she was younger than me when she married the man who she’d ultimately been with for 17-years of her life. I got married to a man at 23, and was a child. I only have our album, and don’t have the garter or anything from my hair or the jewelry. I’m going to thrift my wedding dress from my second wedding over vacation. The climber talked about liking having something fancy from her wedding and I agreed. She looked so beautiful with her hair fixed last week for the ballet. I like her in a beanie, corduroys, and a down jacket too. I just like her.

by

Reflections

I like my cousin’s fiancé. Sure he makes fun of people, has lots of tools, and guns, but he loves her, and they’re actually good together. Before I was with the CEO, she had been dating him around a year, I think. She is what you might call a serial monogamist, which I guess is ok to say because “Ally McBeal” was a bunch of straight girls in NY, right? After 10 or 11 years, why not get married, right?

I’m not. I just read about when my best friend from work was here and we were climbing mountains and partying hard. She was dancing with this one girl at our club, and the girl’s best friend started dancing with me and then she kissed me. Well, if you kiss me, for some reason, I want to get more aggressive. I had pushed her up against a cattle tank full of beers eventually. We went on a legitimate date a few weeks later. After sushi and a long walk, I went to where she was parked and leaned in and she said, “We’ll have plenty of other chances.” I never kissed her again. Hmm…

I think I’m back in that cattle tank stage. My problem has been that I don’t say no to exclusive. Nancy Reagan would have a stern talkin’ to me. I can come out here as someone who says, “No.”

People, especially those who I have known who are genetically women, are super complex. I want to get to know lots of people on individual dates. It sucks a little to be introverted, because I really struggle with anxiety in groups. I get quiet, and then recently one of my Bosses called me “exclusive.” Or I crack lots of jokes due to tension. I am very funny, so that is probably ok, but if it’s noisy I can’t do that, and then I’m too direct due to discomfort.

Therefore, lots of different women in 1-1 settings.

No swiping. Do Gen X-ers like to swipe? Also, because I only select women-seeking-women, I’ll see women who I know. Small pond. Also, I find it distasteful for some reason to swipe a person away based on something static like a picture. Case in point is that my ex-wife is a real redhead and has blond eyebrows so some pictures are not great due to lighting. She is one of the most striking women in person that people have ever seen. I can’t count the number of people who have said, “She is so beautiful.” Really. Truly. Additionally, it’s fake like social media is. I have maybe taken three pictures of my son being an asshole or raging, but I haven’t posted them! I’ve sent them to a few people. Are folks with profiles on dating sites going to post themselves half a bottle of vodka into Thanksgiving? Not likely. Not probable. Finally, my experiences on Chemistry and OK, Cupid yielded the cowgirl (two weekends–lesbian one night stand) and the flute player (gamey / hot and cold). When I say that to friends, they say, “Sure that was before 2010! It’s changed so much.” I’m not arguing, but I have three reasons for my hard pass.

I’m going bowling this afternoon. I am going to beat one of my Bosses. He beat me at pool about two-weeks ago, so I need to beat him. If I can’t we’re going to the bar very soon and I will beat him at 301. His ex-girlfriend and her boyfriend are bowling with us. I have to put my road bike in the back of my SUV now, and go over to the place that rebuilt my engine brackets. My oil light is coming on and it’s also idling like shit sometimes in the cold because the box over the catalytic converter is shaking to hell. The alley is close, so I can combo walk / bike there.

I met my goal. This week mostly off from work was neither sad or trying. I expressed emotion, connected so much with my cousin and her kids, and went out to dinner for diner food with my son last night. Now, bring on the cattle tanks.

by

I wrote this the last day of 2012

I want to focus on what I want and what I’m looking for, but will start with a preface that it doesn’t mean that it’s not in my current relationship.  We are just new…  Eight-days shy of 7-months and both equally independent and busy.  I’d rather reflect on I want and as everyone seems to say these days, “Put it out into the universe,” which I think comes from that somewhat Eastern movement on the law of attraction and what one is interested in for focus. So, at least for today, I will blog about what I value.

  • That’s stupid.  Be what you want.  You’ll attract people who you want to spend time with, and don’t count dates.  There could be shitty dates and exciting dates.  I’m glad that I’ve not seen or heard from the CEO in YEARS.  Who cares that I spent 7-months exclusively dating her?  Shame on me for trying to force a long-term relationship with someone so mean.

I love being outside and feeling the sun on my skin.  I love the way that water sounds when it is unsettled either from the tide or when it is disturbed by a motor and laps against an embankment.  I also like the noise water makes when it is rushing when the table in a river is up. Being on top of a mountain and feeling the wind cover your body while you look literally at the world makes you feel small and like you don’t really have a single problem.  When you come down and laugh full of natural endocannabinoids from your summit and have a burger and a beer, you have never felt so happy. Snowshoeing up to a glacier lake and working your legs give me a whole feeling too, and again, I love afterward to share a meal with someone who I love and can laugh with about anything.

  • Yep, those things are still very, very good.  I have gaiters now too and know how to self-arrest with an ice axe, so I should bundle up and go soon.  Not solo though.  That’s stupid.  Love is expansive.  I love lots of people.

I love to cook when I come home, and if my day has been awful, I also open a beer and drink while I prepare a meal.  I love to throw dinner parties and hear my friends laughing in my kitchen and enjoy pieces of their conversations. Music is my soundtrack and I break out into song with good friends or make references to song lyrics all the time.  I want to get back into practicing guitar and can’t wait until my son picks up an instrument!  He is dancing now, and although I can’t, I love to watch him dance because his energy takes on a life of its own and he is expressing himself.  In a woman, I find dancing sensual and appealing because you can see things in her that you didn’t see before, and I love novelty.

  • Still love to cook.  Don’t have the need for a large dinner party, but my birthday party when I turned 48 was fun with my neighbors, my old work husband and his wife and my son.  I do need to practice guitar.  Teenagers don’t do anything.  At least he is dating a cheerleader now, so maybe he’ll dance again.  Been thinking about taking some dance lessons, actually.  I continue to have a thing for dancers and athletes.

Adventure is critical for me, and it can be simple adventures like the good memory that I have holding hands crunching through the snow and then naked hot tubbing under the stars–it’s like a pleasant surprise to have romantic things like that unfold and is the ultimate expression of one’s chemistry with another person.   I love to travel and see new places.  I love meals that are well prepared and looking at art.  It would be really cool to see a new city and rent a bike and race around on it to discover tons of it quickly and then be able go back on foot holding a woman’s hand and feel the air on our faces while we look over the scenery that we took in quickly and now want to take in more fully, and at a slower rate.  It could be a preview from the bike with a return on foot because walking and hiking are some things that I also value.

  • I can add to that walking on the beach and getting frisky.  That was fun too.  I went all over Mount Desert Island in June on a rented bike and it was phenomenal.  Gonna do that next June around the whole rim at Crater Lake, and I want to boat to Wizard Island.

I taught myself how to ride a bike when I was eight, and I still feel youthful when I ride my pos Mt Bike down the street, trails or on a singletrack. I can race it as hard as I want or just glide down hills.  I love the wind rushing on my face and going for hours.  I feel strong and alive when I watch the clouds and the afternoon wane on while I’m on my bike.

  • I bike to work everyday except for Mondays.  I have to drive on Mondays.  I have a police bike now and a road bike.  I donated that POS.  I LOVE cycling.

Quality of light is important for me too.  The moon casts a beautiful sheen across lakes, and the angle of the sun on a woman’s face at different times of day shows her beauty outdoors.  Seems that I value being outside, using my body, cooking and eating, and connecting and laughing–all of these things are made better if you share them with a beautiful woman.  I think that I do attract these things, so I must be lucky.

  • Still have fortuitous circumstances unfold in the dark. The climber held me on a climber under moonlight when I told her that my ex-partner is either dying or waiting for a transplant and that my son and I will have to motor to NC at some point because of that.

When I think of my son, I value that he is thriving, feeling well, and learning a lot.  Love of nature, being well and whole, and learning as much as he can from mentors should be his focus until he is ready to leave our house.  When one is balanced, he can give unto others, which is probably the only “Christian” value that makes sense to me.  In addition to being glad that he is enjoying sports, getting excellent grades in music, I am most grateful that he is regarded as the most kind and appreciative of diversity by his current teacher.  I hope that if I am lucky enough to add children to our family with a partner, that this virtual child is able to feel well, be outside, learn and truly share.

  • I don’t want any more children.  I hope that my son will be ok when he’s 25.  I drug test him weekly–it was hot today–and he gets a flip phone going as soon as the GPS that he has to carry that I’ll be subscribing to as a service is here and working.  Children are an active or psychic burden until they have a working brain.

I’m thinking that these desires and wants are what I value most, and my partner could make it more powerful.  When I imagine this partner, I am outside with her and we are having one night away.  It wouldn’t have to occur much, but I would value it when it did. She and I could maybe have a meal on a deck near Clear Creek in Buena Vista and have to sit very close together so that we would be able to hear each other and then we could hold hands while the sun sets. She’d make me laugh a lot and I would be taken in completely by her eyes.  We could leave the doors to the deck open so when we made love you could hear that deafening roar of the water in the bg.  That kind of connection while in nature is important to me and my meaning, as is going back to our kids and enjoying them after we had a night away like this one, because I think that meaning too, comes from raising a family together and meeting the challenges of parenting together as a concerted team.

  • I don’t want a partner.  I don’t want financial entanglements.  I am a complete sucker for green, hazel and blue eyes.  I love to laugh and will look forward to some fun sex when the time is right.  I don’t want to raise my son with anyone.  I want him to stabilize and get his act together.  My parents were not a concerted team, and I can’t think of an example of that with any of my friends.  I’m lucky that mine will be out of the house in July of 2024.  Then I can re-read this entry and see what’s shifted.  Love of parts of Colorado will never shift.
by

Keeping some of it

I love having access to 14-years of my writing. Yay. I read about that orgy that a friend of mine hosted at my house. What a sentence. Wow. I was 34 maybe? She was pretty butch and had weird style. I can’t remember what state she was from–no one is from here–although I remember that she was a software engineer. She was smart, but not attractive. She wore an Indiana Jones Panama hat to my party that altered into an orgy because she also brought a bull whip. Her breasts were gorgeous though. Like a magazine. I’m a whole package person though and don’t like chunky, beefy, fat or out of shape for a hook-up or gf. I wouldn’t want an orgy at my house anymore. Also, I don’t think that I’m poly to the degree wherein if I was sleeping with one woman, I would be able to easily watch her kiss other women or men at a party. I think that when I was in college, cast parties would begin with body shots and then become group sex. I left with my college gf before that stage of the morning, but I’m almost positive that is what that crew engaged in. I actually think it’s about management. Hahahaha. Seriously, I tend to have trouble talking in a group unless I’m facilitating group counseling. I like depth in conversation and need to tease more information out and it’s less deep when you’re navigating group contributions to conversation. I HATE group lunches, baby or bridal showers, etc. Group sex would be that way too. Difficult to include everyone. Ha. Honestly, it’s like a connection and focus thing for me. Not that I don’t think that would be a good thing for other people though.

I slept in my bed with the software engineer after the orgy. I know that we cuddled a bit. I wore pjs and she was nude. I made it clear that I didn’t want any sex. I had kissed her breasts during the orgy and she referenced it and I said, “You have perfect breasts, and I still don’t want to have sex with you.” End of story. I think now that it would be difficult for me to sleep with someone actually. Since my son has revved up terrible / dangerous behavior, I am a light sleeper. I used to sleep like a rock. Also, my ex wife was a hideous sleeper–nightmares, waking nightmares, insomnia, bouts of manic episodes with needing to cut or dye her hair for hours in the middle of night or early morning–so I’m sure that has effected my sleep rhythms also. I don’t know what time I’d have to go to bed to be able to sleep a 6-hour stretch next to a woman and worry that I’d wake up at 5 or 6 anyway. I’ve simply worked too many years now. I wake up in the morning.

So, I want to keep dating. I don’t want to do wild group things that involve intimacy. I don’t want a relationship that is exclusive.

The sex thing. If you’re disconnected from someone who you used to be in love with, it takes a toll. She would offer to top. Randomly too. Like use the bathroom in our bedroom right before I was turning in because I work (She stopped working.) and then leave for the spare room making her exit with a quick offer. I was always like, “WTF?” I like to talk and connect and then have sex. That has even gone for me when I’ve done lesbian one night stands. Do you know what those are? You bring someone home from the bar, or you have a girl that you met on the Internet come to your house and share a bed and you have some sex. Sometimes several hours. So, you do that again once or twice. I talked first with those girls. At least a little. My previous partner who is incidentally dying or waiting for a transplant would sometimes come over while I was cooking, open a bottle of Chardonnay (Scratch that off the list for anything that I would keep. Fucking gross. Who the fuck actually drinks white wine by choice?), give me a kiss and then say, “Want some dessert and then we can eat dinner?” That was cute, and we still talked. With sex, I’ll need some kind of interaction connection to be frisky.

I love lists:

  1. Nothing that I find voyeuristic or is group oriented for intimacy
  2. Fit women who take care of their bodies
  3. Work on my sleep hygiene
  4. Date lots of women
  5. Connect and then have sex
  6. Never stoop to drinking any white wine

by

It’s 4 am I must be processing

I woke up incredibly early today. I just got my emails for students who I supervise done–it’s 21 of them–and also wrote a few to my students in a class that I always teach every fall whom I won’t see again after the end of the month. I’ll miss this group. They’re cool. The other 21 will be around until the end of April, and then I have some time off from teaching and supervision. In terms of the latter, I don’t know when that will happen again.

My Mom died a year ago in two-weeks. Heavy as shit. It marked the end of my family of origin. I had lost my brother as an adolescent and that still is complete shit. Yesterday, I had group therapy and talked about my Mom.

My Dad died of COVID in April of 2020 and it was a blessing with the exception of the impact that its had on my son. I had a complicated relationship with my Dad until I did 5-years of analysis and then I tabled all my stuff, didn’t let it effect our interactions, and when he was being intense or strange, I just noted it, sometimes wrote about it (here), and other times said, “I’m heading out.” He sometimes would apologize after I left. I visited him every week alongside my mother when he finally moved out and into the same facility where my Mom was for 3-years, but he didn’t last because he wanted to die. Literally. He asked his doctor to kill him actually. Although we’re a right to death state, it’s not that simple, and you have to be terminal. He had dementia and significant impacts to his working memory so he couldn’t read anymore. He couldn’t even spit anymore. I tried to sample his DNA twice and he couldn’t coordinate it to fill the little tube. I did that because that was something that he was actually interested in. Mostly for about 2-years at home and in the home he said, “I have to go to the bathroom. I didn’t sleep last night.” This man was brilliant. What a way to spend your last few years.

My ex-wife didn’t really know either of them. They stopped being able to interact really probably around 2012. Ironically, what impacted them was that they stopped taking care of my son in 2009 for the most part, and then they declined. My Dad’s best friend moved to the South and they didn’t do much anymore. I was so busy with my kid and doctorate that I didn’t do much with them except cook them some nice meals. They got quieter and weirder.

I fell in love in 2013. Actual love. Like the one in which you cry when you fight and when you know it will never be anything anymore you weep and get pissed being handed a box of facial tissues. Fuck you for wanting my process to cease. Anyway, I don’t talk to her, will pay her off next fall, and don’t want anything to do with her. I was totally in love with her though and spent 8-years married to her and nearly 9 together, and she never knew my parents as whole beings.

My best friend and I went to “Wakanda Forever” with community members and some politicians on Tuesday. I liked it. My best friend asked, “What do you miss most about your Mom?” and I answered it, and then answered it fully in group last night with other people who’ve lost one or more parents. My Mom was introverted. When she did talk, it was always funny and sometimes cruel. She was a heavy smoker until probably 2012 or so. That and her bout with COVID in June of 2020 made her voice practically disappear. I told the folks in group last night that I have a VM from Thanksgiving 2020 and it’s cute and difficult to hear. I think, too, having had a stroke when she was 21, her vocal chords were slowly paralyzing. I feel like I watched my parents disappear. They were like Luke Skywalker, Yoda, Obi Wan and Luke’s Dad in “Return of the Jedi” when at the celebration they’re in light, but faded.

I don’t want this week off from most all work to be trying or incredibly sad. I teach Friday night. I booked a hike with a new group on Saturday. I have Book Club Sunday, and my male pickleball partner is going home next week, and my female pickleball partner got sick, so I will probably just go literally dink around at the court on Sunday to get some practice. We may have to forfeit. Sucks, because I’m competitve. It’s fun. Don’t knock it. It requires skill to do well. I kinda suck because I can’t finesse and hit it too hard due to softball. However, it’s not SCARY like my golf swing is.

I daydream about the climber. I’m not going to chat at work again though, and won’t text except to text back. I don’t want to be weird. I just want to see how things shake out. I was incredibly disappointed when she had to cancel our plans last Friday and she was too and apologized; I was concerned that she was slipping back or reinfected with the illness, but it turns out she just needed hours and hours of sleep. Sounded like in total like 15-hours. I’m glad she’s better and hope that she makes plans with me soon. I can wait though. I’ve developed so much patience. She has the hottest body. Taut lean muscle from the waist up.

The other two ladies have fizzled. I read all this shit that I wrote in 2009 – 2010 and that tends to happen from time to time. I can’t even remember who some of these women are when I read their job titles or mean, sarcastic names. When you’re dating, you do a lot of it. It will be interesting when I have sex with one and disclose that to another one. I wonder if some will bail and some will be fine with it. I don’t want an exclusive relationship.

by

And… She’s back

I got divorced in September, and I am adjusting to dating again. I can honestly say that having a relationship which is exclusive would not be something that I would be interested in for the next couple of years and maybe won’t ever be interested in that again. I have an almost 17-year-old now and saying he’s a handful is super mild. That is laughable, actually. I don’t want to bring women in and out of his life either. Until today, I couldn’t login to this blog for years because I hadn’t remembered that just using an old email that I no longer can access with a couple of common passwords would help with me logging in, and now I’ve read some of it it’s interesting to me that I thought that remarrying would be fulfilling. It so wasn’t. Now, I’m 48, have been divorced twice and married for a total of 17-years. Been there, and won’t do that ever again, and super on the fence about a long-term thing. I want to date.

I have always been very active. That’s why although I have a mountain of papers right now, I had to blog, because I’m jacked up sitting here at my desk and at least freewriting is like a semi-activity. I’ll walk the dogs after I do two more of these grading projects. They’re way more than just a paper and require massive feedback.

I have been obsessed with climbing movies and climbers for 5-years. But, that shit is DIFFICULT. I’ve hiked many a mile and done a little bit of bouldering, but am not a climber. I’d like to be though. My ex-wife encouraged me to take a class at a recreational outfitter and I did it well then, but it was probably 2014 or 2015. So, I retook it in August and it was a night that I was exhausted, so I didn’t do it as well. Then I took an outdoor artificial wall class wherein the second-day was outdoor. Real rock is next level.

I told my colleague about that class and she asked me to have lunch with her and tell her more. Then she said that we should go after work. She said that she and I and one of our colleagues would go together. When we did go, she was the one who showed up. She gave me a great hug. (I thought, “Oh, we hug?”) She drove to the route. When we got out to pack up she said, “I don’t get naked with colleagues so I’m asking if our relationship is shifiting?” I said, “I’m sorry?” And she explained that she was changing now, and I asked her if I should hold up a blanket to which she quickly replied, “No this is a climber’s space.” Naked for climbers, but not with colleagues, maybe? She took me up a very exposed route and I started dumping adrenaline and having trouble breathing at all. She was so sweet and said that she was so familiar with this side of the creek and that we could take another route so we did. I was able to go up 20-feet, so I felt accomplished. Definitely want to do that again.

That’s not the theme though. I had on Mary Janes and it was dark and I was slipping everywhere. By the time we got midway down the route at dusk my hands were porcupine laden with prickly pear quills. She took her phone out and gingerly began taking out the quills. I pulled back after a few. (“We touch each other too? Like not just when you’re comforting my afraid-of-heights-ass?) She asked what we were doing next and I told her that I had a recipe kit and could open a bottle of wine for us. She and I engaged in a great conversation and I was sad to get back to the parking lot where I met her and determined that we do, indeed, hug now.

We caravaned in our cars back to my house from the lot. She is handy in the kitchen. So good and quick chopping even, perfect mushrooms. She draped her arm around my waist. Wow. I slunk away after awhile. Not sure why. After dinner she asked if we could sit in my living room and her thigh was against mine. Nice. Good hug by her car before the night was over.

My son said that if I start seeing her, that I’m behaving like a Rock Star. His words, “She’s attractive, Mom. How old is she? Wow. That’s pretty Rock Star, Mom.” I don’t think that I care, actually. I’ve also made a promise to myself to stop referencing my age. She held my hands when I was shitting my pants given exposure, she pulled out quills with care, she put her arm around my waist, she pressed her right thigh against mine on my loveseat. She also played a playlist and danced with me outside in a gazebo and we climbed a tree afterward when we saw each other 1-1 again. It was all prelude. The third time that we saw each other we took a two-mile walk three-weeks after she helped me and I watched her expert climbing. After our walk, we drank tea, snuggled a bit and then made out until past 3:30 am. She’s been sick so we’ve not gotten together in two weeks. I’ll see her Monday though at work if she’s better. I have a weird job and work in different places on different days.

I went to a party for a colleague who has been significantly promoted. I met a neuroscientist there and we had a nice conversation. I was really excited last Saturday when she came to a group function because I didn’t know that she belonged to the group. I’ve asked her out in the group app (coffee or wine). We shall see. We have a nice connection.

At the beginning of last month, I met up with another woman with my two dogs and hers at the dog park. She had a health thing and emergency surgery, but I would love to see her again soon too.

I’m pushing 50 and want to date a ton. I read through some of these entries and I think that I’ve typically wanted a relationship more than just enjoying a date. I want to do that now. Just date. I don’t want to live in anticipation of tomorrow. I can just see what I see when I’m on a date with a woman and not think about anything else but that moment, and that date.

by

New Chapter

I worked through a lot of things in this blog, and so I am not going to write here any longer.  I’ll leave it up for another year, and then will take it down.  I’m going to start a brand-new blog as me.  I happily abandon dating, despair, pretending that I can work with women with whom I’m not compatible, and needing self-of-therapist activities nearly everyday.  I thank all of my readers and those who stopped by to Like a post.  I appreciate everything that you imparted to me over the last two-years.  It’s now time for me to write anything that I want to as myself.

by

Engagement

I gave her a playlist on a CD, and a pink journal to write her dreams in and also things for our wedding.  I had taken what I remember from seeing her through my friend’s FB and then finally meeting her in July of 2012 for the words, and then songs that I listened to during the torturous part of 2013 before we finally got our timing together.  Before we left, we made love, and were able to reflect on the holiday season and the time that we had with her sister who surprised the family with a visit.  We had an incredible time with her listening to hair rock and playing Super Nintendo’s Super Mario World.  It was a retro fest of love.

Her sister drove home on Friday–which takes about 11-12 hours, and afterward we cleaned out our pantry after I had brought my dog back from the dog park.  We had to drive back to her kick-ass apartment and pack it.  Her mother and her mother’s boyfriend are in GA and left their SUV, so we were able to basically get everything down to our house.  I don’t think that there is much left, and we hung some shelving and got things into the pantry.  It was a really busy day before we left to get engaged.

We drove two-and-a-half hours, and then soaked in springs until night fall.  The first night was cloudy, but it was very nice.  The stars were phenomenal the second night.  We took a small hike today.  I love her.  I love being engaged.  I love starting my life on stable ground.

View from the trailhead

by

Adjustments

We’ll be making them winter through the spring, I would imagine.  I’m excited to sleep with her every night and not just for physical reasons, but because I wake up a lot earlier when she is not here because I wonder what she’s doing.  It is nice that we both sleep well next to each other given our level of trust that we have for each other.

I had a long day yesterday.  I wasn’t done with work until 6 and then I had to drive to our church because my son had to learn his percussion part for the Christmas services.  The woman with whom I had that emotional affair was there and she looked tired given that she is going through a brutal divorce.  At the end of the night, I hugged her super tight and told her that I was sorry.  I’m not sure that she has been held like that.  It made me think that my partner and I have something really special.  We hold each other tight all the time, and I don’t think that is something that everyone gets.

Apparently, the woman who my partner had half-heartedly tried to date exclusively who she met when she was ending her relationship called her last night too.  I was thinking that it was probably around the time that I had hugged the woman at church.  She told me that she would have to call me back when I called her because this woman was really sick.  When I say that it’s not because she is having surgery, but it’s because she has a condition that is degenerative.  While that is really too bad, I was fuming.  I don’t want her calling my partner because she had every chance in the world to treat her right and was awful.

I told my partner that it was a weird boundary and was gamey.  I asked her to text her that I needed her tonight and that she should reach out to her friends.  I guess that she had told her that the news was so awful that she wanted to tell her instead, because they “weren’t in each other’s lives anymore.”  Whatever.  You had your chance, and you were a shit who wanted side relationships, so there you are.  You got nothing. And honestly, it’s because your foundation was nothing but some open stuff that my partner needed to get space between her and her serious girlfriend–who also called her last night.

I remember nights that I’ve had like this one.  You know when your exes would come out of the woodworks and try to connect with you, and typically it was when I was either dating someone new or having some shifts within myself that propelled me toward wake-ups within myself.  I think that when you’ve been physically intimate with someone more than once, you have a collective of energy between you that can result in universal shifts when you are having new experiences.  That is an adjustment as well.

Here is what I took away that was new:

  1. We honestly don’t fight
  2. My partner is the nicest person who I know
  3. She has fewer exes than me because girls would never want to let her go
  4. I’m looking forward to learning how to encourage her to make this relationship work for her
  5. Timing does it’s own thing and you cannot wield it directionally
by

Reflections

I only have three-days of work left and then I go on a fairly long vacation.  It will be nice, given the disruptions to my doctoral process, and because I’m adjusting to my new life.  I’m thinking about how grateful I am again this morning, because I have begun my life with a woman who simply fits into mine by just moving into it.  She doesn’t ask me to defend the way that I do things, but gently comes forward and is accommodating rhythms that we had, yet she adds to them.  Enhancement and comfort is her way and I love it.

I read over my About page on WordPress and realized that it can’t be reworked.  I just need to rewrite it because everything that I’m doing is so new.  I have this amazing partner whose pictures still make me say, “My God, she is so hot,” and yet given our intimate connection when we talk, laugh, and make love, I know that I will not ever date again.  I’m glad too, because I was really sick of dating.

She’s mine.  I can’t believe that, but she is truly mine.  (These kind of assertions make me realize that I will never be Buddhist.)

Tomorrow night we will finally get our tree.  We didn’t sleep together last night, but of course we talked, and I was able to sleep well this time even without her with me last night.  I just sleep better with her there.  I never had a solid night of sleep with my ex.  I guess one time we slept late–until 8–in my bed, but she was so wound up all the time and also needed the tv on so that she could distract herself into falling asleep.  We were just incompatible.

When someone is as gentle as my partner is, you just relax, get warm and sleep.  After talking to me, she was able to get me where she can when we are in bed together.  I was just warm and drifting off to sleep.  I appreciate her way.  I’m lucky to bask in her light and love.

by

My slow path to introversion

My Dad moved us all the time.  I went to five elementary schools.  I think that there were a total of 13 different rentals that we lived in prior to buying our house, and in a universal sick thing, my brother was killed after we had lived in the house that was bought just a bit over a year.  I think that everyone’s childhood is a bit messed up, so I don’t think that I have the corner market, but I sure have changed now that I’m middle aged.

My son asked me last night how many years I have left, and having seen a Vedic Astrologer in 2008, I just told him that number and then I realized that I have fewer left than I’ve had.  I have changed the basic structure of my personality too, which certainly gives me pause.  I’ve also become less dominant in general.

I had to make new friends all the time.  So, I talked to everyone, but I also listened.  I developed the persona that I could talk to anyone, and I did.  I think that this particular trait came in handy especially when I was selling software or CDs.  (I loved that job at the record store.)  I participated in class, I did forensics, I sought some leadership positions, and in college, I realized that I was only a mediocre actor, so I began *attending* the theater instead of trying out.  I figured, at the time, that was my litmus test.  I was truly an extrovert, because I wasn’t a good actor.  It was interesting to me that contrary to most popular beliefs, actors are introverted.

I was talking with my partner last weekend after I did the announcements at church.  I stumbled a bit in the earlier morning service and found the crowded 11:00 am service much easier.  She figured it was practice effects, and I told her that while that was true, much of it was crowd size.  Larger group, easier for me to feel less pressure and intimacy.

So, that’s it.  I was terrified of deep intimacy and being isolated.  I moved to a minuscule town in the midwest for my first grad degree and if I didn’t teach that day and participate in class, I heard no human voice, as those were the days of calling cards and land lines for long distance.  I got much better at being alone, and then I got really good at being alone when I booted out my ex-husband, had my coming out affair, and many friends stopped interacting with me.  These days, I talk to a new person if I have to, but mostly I work.  On nights like last night, I miss the lanky swell of my partner’s body in our bed.  I can connect deeply, openly, and honestly with her.  But, that’s about all that I want, because I don’t want an entourage, but seek things that help my family be solid and happy.

by

Puzzle

I can be overly concrete.  Typically, I get fired up too, which could be part of my genetic make-up given that I’m Italian on my Dad’s side, but some of it too, probably comes from the nurture side of the house.  Experts in neurological research say that part is 40% of who we are (our experiences and social learning) is how we are raised and environmental influences.  My father flew off the handle all the time, and because I was terrified that I was that way too, I tend to seethe.  Could be because I’m a Virgo-Scorpio 😉

I haven’t screamed in a long time.  I did in October of last year.  My ex was fucking with me.  At that point, we hadn’t had sex in about three-weeks, so she was chatting with me on the phone like she did once or twice a week.  She said, “We are just not priorities in each other’s lives right now,” during our chat.  But, I heard, “We are just not a priority in your life right now.”  I lost it.  It was pent up stuff that she had always projected on to me regarding how I didn’t hustle for her, didn’t meet her needs, and wasn’t right for her.  That is the last time that I raised my voice and was irrational.

I talked with my partner last night on the phone.  So funny, because it’s rare for us to not be sleeping next to one another now, but I just had to talk to her before I went to bed, so I did.  I’m prone to worry.  We both tended to agree that we won’t fight actively, but will instead have spats and little tense moments of speaking in mean tones, etc.  I need to tell her that what works when we are under stress is quiet for both of us.  One time we wound up being in bed an entire day and ate very little.  We had to power eat two meals nearly back to back and were both slightly edgy.  We took turns cooking parts of it while the other was pretty quiet and either wrote or listened to music.  Adding down time when we are stressed is good.  I also told her that we need a fighting journal.  She can write down her impact of stuff that I do and say, and then I can read and validate it.  Seems good.

I dated a woman pretty recently at the end of summer and the beginning of fall.  She is a mess and not consistent.  Those girls are attracted to me.  I’m boring and stable.  When she got withdrawn and did some push-pull, I just disengaged from her.  She was pretty and all that, but I want a lot more than good-looking.  I didn’t understand well, being concrete, why she meant much of anything to me.  Much of her was the idea of her–four boys and into me.  My son doesn’t even mention her kids, because he saw them twice, I think.  Anyway, I’m actually getting things now as I piece stuff together.

In a couple of vivid dreams that I had, my partner was in them.  In one dream, she was riding a horse in a stall on a grainy video shot when she was a child.  I closed my phone–I thought because it was a film of my ex-although the video was my partner, and at that time, I was not ready to be with my partner.  In another dream the woman who I dated tried to give me a gingery brown cat, and one of my readers asked what the cat meant.  It didn’t mean what I thought that it did, because it was my partner.  I wasn’t ready to tend to her quite yet.  I tried to give her back.

I have a friend who introduced the woman who I dated a bit.  She kept telling me that I was in love with this woman; although, I knew that I wasn’t, I danced with the idea that somebody had my heart.  She has.  She always has.  But, it was not the woman who I was with.  It was my partner.

Looking at her pictures on FB five or more years ago with our friend caused me to wish that she would move back home.  It was a pull.  It was a draw.  When she got off of the couch to shake my hand and flash that gorgeous smile of hers in the summer of 2012, I felt it everywhere.  We became good friends.  Now, we are where we are supposed to be.

We put together the frame of the picture in June of 2012, and I had started with some corner pieces and edges.  She filled in pieces of unusual size while she let me into her heart as a good friend.  Then we put the whole thing together when I told her, “I need to see how this feels,” while taking her by the hand, pulling her against me and then nuzzling the nape of her neck and kissing the notch at the base of her throat.  Everything is together.  I can see the picture.  I had posted a real picture in reference to the wrong woman in this blog, and only now do I know exactly what was on that horizon.