Tag Archives: Writing

by

Intense

I know that I’m intense, and it’s been better generally when I have dated women who were equally so or got fired up about things occasionally. That way my energy matches well with a romantic partner.

Monday I got up to the cabin early afternoon and connected for about an hour with Nightingale. I had to head into town to get a couple of groceries that I’d forgotten. I came back and Nightingale had out olives, cheese, fruit and some other things, which was sweet. I got a salad completed and put it on the table and then made the pasta.

Nightingale told me that she was hanging onto something.

It was about my best friend.

When I was in my mid-twenties and new to this career we had a friend group who were also all early career.

One of the members of this group was visiting from CA and her trip dates were migrating all over the map which was frustrating. I cancelled some plans that I had too, but had promised her that I’d see her.

Finally, my best friend said that she’d host a pizza party for this mutual friend. I made a salad.

I asked Nightingale to accompany me because I thought that she was leaving for Northern CA the following day–it turned out that she couldn’t because of her knee swelling.

Anyway, what she said that she was hanging onto was that she had an awful time there.

My best friend was being cold and strange. And the experience was pretty awkward generally.

Nightingale said that I didn’t have her back, that I behaved badly, and that I should’ve gotten her out of there quickly.

That’s an overreach. I didn’t abandon her. And that she brought it up many days later is a difficult way to have conflict.

Anyway, I didn’t even want to eat, so having not even brought in my suitcase, I decided to go. I took my pasta dish and headed out on the dirt road to get to the highway. She called me a few minutes later and seemed less volatile, so I drove back and we talked it out.

Nightingale slept upstairs and I slept downstairs.

I hiked the following day.

I hiked the creek initially and it was moderately steep, and then after I did so at elevation and saw the creek from below I walked to the other side of the trailhead and started this hike (pictured above). It was very pretty and peaceful. It didn’t really rain as there is severe drought in the majority of the West–in fact, only in the area of ID where I was last month is lacking drought currently–but, I decided that I would be best to finish up where I had originally hiked.

I was planning to go back here

I headed down the rocky trail (the first picture) and a guy and a girl were heading up. Only the guy greeted me and I noticed his nice and piercing blue eyes. After that brief greeting I walked a little longer when a small distance in front of me a blur crossed over. Then I saw a little cub, which was cute.

I froze.

They both crossed over the rocky path and began scaling the hillside on my left. I backed up and stepped several steps to my right.

Then the mother saw me and stared. She was 40-yards away.

I could hear my heart beating in my ears and all the blood was rushing to my temples. My neck was shaking as the blood was coursing through my body to my brain and extremities.

I stood completely still and didn’t avert my gaze.

She got out of my view and went up the hill and huge rocks started falling onto the trail. I walked sideways a bit more and could see that she was throwing them with her back feet. I kept sidestepping and then as she was busy throwing rocks, I thought that now was a good time for me to completely leave the trail and go back to the creek. I walked sideways for a minute or so and then because there wasn’t a trail and I didn’t want to fall, I went back to the rocky trail. I looked up. I stood silently. I couldn’t see or hear her. I ran like hell and was back to the trailhead in a flash. I’ve never run that hard. I also have never seen a bear before. And this situation included two bears in the worse scenario given a mother’s protection.

I’ve hiked many hundreds of miles. This was my first scary wildlife encounter.

I drove into town to get cellphone signal and talked on the phone with Hockey.

I didn’t want to take bear energy into the cabin given how touchy Nightingale is in general.

After a good talk with Hockey, I drove back to the cabin.

I told her that I was back an hour early because I had an encounter with a mother bear and cub. She told me that it was good that I wasn’t in Yellowstone or Glacier, because if I had been that would’ve been a grizzly, and I’d be dead. Regardless, it was scary.

Nightingale had made a roast with potatoes and carrots. It was really good. I said, “This is lovely. Have you ever made something this fabulous and someone pours ketchup all over it instead of tasting it?”

WWIII ensued.

To her I was controlling someone’s enjoyment of food that doesn’t have to do with me.

I do think that as an adult you have the chance to enjoy one bite of something if you simply try.

I told her that I was going downstairs and I packed up and started showering off the hike and the bear.

I only feel comfortable writing that she had a crisis. I know because I work with episodes all the time at work.

And because I know what to do, I tended to her for about 3-hours and she was fine and was able to sleep soundly. I went downstairs that night and slept solidly for hours having a bear encounter and then having my shit jumped again by a woman going through way too many moving parts at the moment.

The next day was fine and we walked roughly the same distance that I had hiked solo the day before; however, we were on an urban trail with panoramic views of mountains along a huge lake.

I picked up takeout Japanese food for us that night, brought it back to the cabin, and she wanted me to watch “Ted Lasso,” which has been recommended to me for years by various people. I think that I watched 3-4 episodes with her. Then she started cleaning up so I helped and then I went back to the tv because she asked me to start another episode. I could hear her packing up food so I said that I’d wait until she was done. I paused the show.

When she was done she said that because tomorrow was her last day before her next surgery that she wanted to be home, sleep in her own bed and wake up for a full day at home. I told her that made a lot of sense to me. I loaded her car. She hugged and kissed me in the house and I said that I’d walk her outside too. She kissed me again when I was talking to her before she drove away on the dirt road.

I called Hockey and we talked a long time. She and I talk everyday.

Nightingale texted me that night when she got to her house.

The following morning, I did as she asked. I addressed the final things in the property rental and sent a DM in the app for us. Then I texted her that I was leaving and texted her when I got to my driveway (not my garage).

Yesterday, I got home and my son had the garage blocked and the housecleaners were here. It was all pretty typical. I have a good vacation and come home to something chaotic or unpredictable which impacts my transition. The good thing was that I had a massage at 3. I was able to tell my massage therapist about the bears and I wrote a draft with some of this material in it when I came home. It was nice to be in a clean house. I slept well all night.

Whew.

I’m no stranger to any of these dynamics with women. She reminds me of a previous GF that I had in my 30s and also reminds me of my ex-wife in terms of seething for days about things that she spins on without talking about them. I also know that because of what she’s gone through in her life that talk therapy isn’t going to cut it and has the chance to be counterproductive. I’ve told her which modality I think that she should switch to after she’s recovered and can walk now that she’ll have two new knees.

Anyway, I am making the responsible choice and not mixing any romance between us going forward.

Nightingale says over and over how she’s seeking her long-term partner. That effort will be better when she’s addressed some of the things going on in her body.

Yesterday she told me her surgery time. I’ve texted her about good energy, healing vibes and other things. I won’t ever say or text anything adjacent to dating going forward. I’m willing and able to run some errands, chat in person or on the phone, and drop off meals or specific food craving things during her recovery. That’s it. There are some intense things that I can’t engage in anymore at this stage of my life.

by

V2

Today I talked with Nightingale for close to two hours. She’ll leave for her solo vacation on Tuesday.

We talked about our childhoods.

Our experiences in therapy.

We talked about work.

We talked about parenting (Hers is 18 and a daughter; mine is 20 and a son.).

She talked about her reservations seeing someone polyamorous.

I told her that I got it. And honestly I’m pretty malleable and have done all manner of relationships based on what partners talk to me about and what I’m comfortable doing.

I told her that I felt like I was being punished for the sins of their ex-BFs in my last two relationships.

It’s refreshing that she was married to a woman and has had many, many GFs since then and those have mostly been with women who need some caretaking.

I listened fully to that.

I only take care of myself. I don’t ask for anything either.

I didn’t ask my ex prior to Scorpio accompany me to my PRP injection last summer–but, she offered and did it giving a baby monitor (She had a three-year-old at the time.) to the accountant below her unit in her building, and Scorpio didn’t do anything for me. (She did arrange some flowers by hand in vases and bring them to me twice, but that’s small gestures after four months. I think that she paid for two meals during our time together too. She was waaaay cheaper to date than my ex-GF though because I didn’t have to take her places all the time and pay for babysitters.)

I explained what an anchor partner does and described the tour of my city that I did for Scorpio when I got off work, had to pick her up on the far west side and then drive far south to pick up her car. I made dinner for her that night. I’m a great anchor partner with a local GF.

I talked about how I’ve always had friends for different purposes. (Honestly, I think that lovers could fit that bill for me too.)

I also let her know that there isn’t a single romantic connection in my life right now.

Assuming that we get there–and we both decided that needs to be determined not only through a vibe check but also an embrace–she and I can work on what feels right. It would take me quite awhile to feel solid with her anyway and my last comet doesn’t talk to me at all anymore. I think that we can make something work if we like each other romantically. We certainly have great chemistry and conversation.

She wants lasting connection.

I asked her when her birthday is. It’s five-days after Scorpio’s. I said, “Oh, that’s good.” And she asked, “When’s your birthday?” And I told her and she said, “Oh, you’re a Virgo. That’s my moon.”

🤯

Nightingale is Scorpio-Virgo. I’m Virgo-Scorpio. Her Ascendent is right on the cusp of Gemini and Taurus, so that means if she’s mostly Gemini, our big three are the same (Earth, Water, and Air). The latter seems to fit more because she is verbose in her presentation. Cancers are pretty careful and watchful. Nightingale is a great talker.

I’m hoping that Scorpio Version 2 is a romantic and intimate prospect, and I’ll know on Monday morning when we walk.

by

Life

Career after retirement:

This morning I got up to enroll in the first course that I’m taking in a 5 class sequence. I’m on a wait list though 🫤 There is a chance that I can’t start until NEXT fall because I think that I may have to stop teaching on Tuesday nights for one semester. (I’ve taught almost exclusively on Tuesday nights for 11-years at one university.) I’ll have to talk to my supervising professor who made a post-doc experience for me in the winter of 2015 to see if she’ll allow me to change the night of the week for one semester only. One class that I will need to take for my candidacy application is only taught 3:30 – 6 on Tuesday nights. I’m so lucky that my Boss will let me flex my work hours and leave early for a semester. There is no way that if I had my old day job I could do that. And my old Boss would’ve said no.

Last two GFxs:

  1. We had mismatched libidos. When I said that we don’t belong together in March of 2025, I should’ve stuck to it.
  2. We didn’t have healthy conflict. I need to ask specifically at date #4 with any woman if she yells during conflicts. I can’t tolerate that at all. Because it’s a no fly zone, I need to ask if I can take a break from the conflict until she is able to speak without a raised voice.

Dating Pool:

I remain in the database with the matchmaking firm as a “Matchable Member.” My first year was comped. I have my first date today which is in person and now has been moved by the match again. It’s close to lunch time. It’s nice to have plans regardless. I’ve not had an in person date with a new woman since May 16th. I’m going to bring my most charming and funny self to this date regardless if I’m attracted to her in the slightest. It’s nice to have something to do today.

Pride:

I went to a friend’s house for a pre-party on Friday night last week. I got concerned whether or not they were going to go out at all and didn’t wind up leaving their house until after 11 pm. I went to a party with DJs with a friend on Saturday night and we stayed all afternoon until the evening. On Sunday I went with MI to the parade and we listened to some music and watched the coolest and most creative drag performance that I’d ever seen.

Mental Health:

I feel balanced. I have an appointment with my new psychologist tomorrow. I’m awarded two more sessions for free after this one and then I’ll see him monthly out-of-pocket. I need some support with my dating life generally. Breakups are never fun.

by

Basics

I slept having multiple dream cycles. I haven’t slept well since I got back from my solo vacation. Except for some congestion and a minor sore throat, I feel excellent today.

I took a strength training class last night with MI. Her gym is female only. She asked me to give her options for boxing classes, so I’m going to call the boxing gym that I can go to and give her the schedule for the week of July 6th when I see her again on Sunday. Boxing class rips up my hands altogether, which is one of the reasons that I stopped, and it’s embarrassing that my overall lack of coordination with my legs unless I am climbing makes the movements difficult for me. However, she’s my friend and I want to do something fun with her next month.

I’ll go out of town today to meet Hockey’s two sons, bowl with them, and have dinner together.

I sunsetted my Facebook account completely yesterday. I had to go through years of photos, which got me emo. Downloading them took forever, but it felt great to just delete the whole thing. I made that account in 2007 or 2008, I believe. I’m glad that it’s gone.

The oppressive humidity that we had all day yesterday ultimately had a purpose and we got rain. That means that I can finally put my cylinder back in my rain gauge! I think that because we have been in a severe drought for five-months, it will take much for the ground to absorb moisture. Thankfully, when the arborists were here on Tuesday removing nuisance trees from the chain link fences around my huge backyard, they also dropped some mulch on the dirt around my shed. That night, I went to Home Depot to buy organic, non-dyed mulch for the places that were still barren (well-spent $20). This rain’s moisture will stay in the yard for the very few wildflowers that came up this year.

I have a matchmaking date in 6-days which will be sooooo interesting.

I began DMing with a woman who owns a petsitting business which she runs with one of her two adult daughters and even her 11-year-old granddaughter helps out. We moved to text last night.

I may be building some friendships atm. That sounds good. Dating apps are something else generally.

I have Hockey. I have MI. I had Scorpio who is conflicted generally and can’t have healthy conflict.

I wish that HER had a the ability to write in your own status message! Mine would say something to the effect of “Scammer liked you! Enjoy stock photos and DMs that are from a bot or pair of people in an office in Eastern Europe!”

I’m going to give Cookies and another woman deets for my Saturday and Sunday plans for Pride. They’re welcome to join me with a friend who is doing plans with me. I’m going with LA to a concert in the afternoon on Saturday, and with MI on Sunday to the parade which has a brand new route this year. I’ll probably stay out a bit on Sunday. MI can drink if she’d like as I’ll park. She can vape too if she’d like–just not in my car. (Scorpio was already high once and spaced out that she was in my car and absentmindedly took a hit and had to roll down my window as quickly as she could when she realized that she was in my car vaping 😳.) Oh, stoners!

Did I mention that I slept?

I wish that I could always just magically give myself sleep. Before menopause, and even when I was simply perimenopausal, I could just start sleeping. And being well-rested makes all the difference in the world with my mood! When we had a 5-hour layover in Phoenix to get home from HI after our honeymoon, my then wife watched me sleep in chairs at the airport. When I woke up she said, “You slept like that for 2-hours.” How I miss being an awesome sleeper!

Now we have an OG butcher shop that’s a 1.2 mile RT walk from my house. They have actual hoagies. The bread is white with a crust. (Please don’t tell me that Subway has real delicatessen bread. That’s not real.) I have had two of their sandwiches so far. It takes them a long time to make them and they’re worth the wait. I had one yesterday with corned beef and purple pickled cabbage.

Exercise, sleep and nuitrition.

And then the cherry is going back to basics with chopping wood, carrying water, and quieting unnecessary noise.

by

Tech

My schedule is so, so light in June and July. Thus, my solo vacation at the end of spring and then yardwork alongside catching up other things in a house that is too big with too many pets and a mostly disgusting 20-year-old man.

I teach ONE class and it’s a very low lift.

Today, I have exchanged almost an hour’s worth of emails with a student who is applying for a national credential.

The culprit?

Flat versus completely fillable PDFs.

And this particular student is extremely detail oriented. I’m hit or miss with that feature. Sometimes I figure, “Well, this effort will have to be good enough!”

I signed and dated the form and when I sent it back because her field supervisor didn’t have a verified email address it wasn’t an electronic signature on the form. She’d typed her name. Therefore, Adobe erased her information. She had also only checked two boxes instead of the five which are required on the form from the field-based supervisor.

I can type her name with other features and can’t check the boxes because they’re now flat.

The demographic information also disappeared.

I want to hop on a Zoom with the student to determine what’s acceptable for her in her own estimation to turn into the national credentialing board.

I think that there’s this battle during this moment in time with more archaic software platforms and going fully artificially intelligence based. That means that occasionally software that had been used for years–like Adobe Reader–you have snafus that are difficult to correct.

I’m so glad that I’m not at my day job and am giving up my lunch to fight with a PDF!

And I’m secretly hoping that when I am done with the five classes that I have to take and start my own practice that a majority of my clients are the analog people who want to meet in person in the office that I can sublet!

Do you have any funny or frustrating technology stories to share?

by

Coffee

It’s happening. And this woman is beyond cautious. She may give me a fake name.

It’s not like I don’t get it on some level.

Personally, I have gotten really adept at spotting romance scammers. I’ve been dating online for a year and have worked with this matchmaking service for six-months.

Now, I understand why the service said that our tapas thing last week (when a tree fell on her car) had a reservation under the concierge’s name.

She likes incognito.

Giving me her cell phone number would be a no fly zone for her, which is why she wanted to move to Google Meet with me. I think that I’m all set with any Google Meet dates regardless. They remind me of working.

The coffee is pretty late–10:00, so I won’t be having any. I try to be done at that time and during the academic year, I like to be done drinking coffee by 9:30. In fact, I am going to bike and then change. Then I’ll order something caffeine free that comes in a ceramic cup.

We find each other by what we’re wearing that day. I have to announce my outfit in the correspondence. I’ll put my purple dress and sandals with heels in my panier and bring a comb. I don’t wear a ton of makeup, so it will be fine.

Writing it out is helpful. I will leave to bike there a bit before 9–it’s not far from my house.

So, I’ll get there about 9:30. I’ll change. I want to have coffee in something not disposable. She’ll get a lot of information about me.

I’m definitely not cautious.

After I got divorced, I realized how much I love people. And I particularly love them 1-1.

Like any typical Virgo, I do have very high standards and they’re only for myself.

Ergo, I bike. I don’t like disposable cups and that seems really odd to have one when you’re consuming something in an established place.

Whatever you want to do is fine with me, because it doesn’t really affect me.

I made some grilled chicken chimichurri last night and cut up a tomato and put salt, garlic powder and some dried basil that I pinched into a fine dust on the slices. Then I arranged butter lettuce leaves on the bottom of my salad bowl, laid tomatoes on them, put sherry vinegar on it and olive oil on the lettuce. I took it over to my best friend’s house. I’d not seen her in ages. It had probably been late fall. She travels to different parts of Asia in January with her husband.

I told her the whole story about Scorpio and then about my coffee date that my date didn’t want. This date is a dinner person. Holding firm about coffee for a blind date is my statement. Let’s get to know each other in a low stakes environment. My best friend loved that dinner didn’t happen because nature intervened.

I’m getting better. Yesterday, I listened to “Downfall” too many times on repeat; however, I’m doing better for the most part.

by

Rant

I got back from my 6th solo vacation last night and will have a lot of material to write about in forthcoming entries.

For now, I am going to rant.

I was hiking in the West Rim of Glacier National Park last Friday when I got a text message from the matchmaking service regarding a woman who lives between here and TN.

She sounded like a Republican.

There used to be no issue with that; however, now much of the ideology has become synonymous with religion as a tool for hatred and also a nod to times that probably were non-existent. Let’s face it: “Leave it to Beaver” had one real character and that was Eddie Haskell. I digress.

I texted this matchmaker, “Make sure she’s ok with my being Agnostic and also working in Public Service. I am not a Republican.”

I should also provide some context regarding that my package is completed. I had six dates. One via phone which later became a hike and the rest were video dates.

I’m in their “membership pool,” which I think means that I’m kinda like a chess piece for paid members for whom they’re having difficulty matching. I don’t pay for these dates going forward though–I pay for my food or beverages and that’s it. This time period will last through next spring.

I had one phone date with a woman who’s about 50-miles from me and we eventually met for a hike. I’m still in some contact with her. She’s smart and cool. She has her own TED talk.

Otherwise, I had video dates. In my mind, three went really well. One woman likes me a lot and won’t move from OR. I’d be fine with a partner in the Pacific NW, and I think she’s monogamous. So, she and I don’t have similar ideas about relationships.

This service lists my relationship style as “Open.”

Video dates aren’t my favorite.

My webcam is unforgiving. It reminds me of a concave mirror.

And I have NEVER in my nine-years of dating, had a dinner date for a first date.

Why would one do that? Particularly a blind date. You’d have to be very extroverted.

So, I was SUPER clear about that. I’ll write the clarity here:

“I’m currently driving back to Missoula from Idaho. I am free tomorrow. I don’t like doing dinner on a first date. The pressure’s too high.”

“I understand! Safe travels!”

“See if she’s amenable to having coffee or a drink. I don’t drink, but love club soda.”

“You got it! Maybe there is a cool mocktail bar?”

“We have awesome spots. A majority of my GFs have been drinkers. I also like to take walks in public parks. I don’t love my webcam; however, my speaking voice is one of my best assets. I am flexible generally. Just have always thought dinner is an oddly formal first date. Nothing like the stare down across the table for an-hour-and-a-half!”

“Totally get it! Working on setting something up now and will send details shortly. Stand by!”

Then I landed home and had this date information in an email:

“Get ready for your upcoming drinks and appetizers date at [insert the name of a tapas bar!] Enjoy a cocktail or mocktail and small plate or two as you get to know one another. To make it easy to find each other, a reservation has been made under the Concierge name.”

WTF?!?!

So, the text patronization rounds began.

“I’m nervous for a 6 pm dinnertime first date. Not my thing and I will be charming.”

“Hi, Tomboy. Thank you for reaching out! We totally understand that this process takes trust and vulnerability. We are here for you every step of the way. Remember that this could be your last first date. It could also be a great opportunity for you to learn more about yourself and your ideas of partnership. Release your attachment to any outcome and keep an open mind!”

“I don’t have an attachment. I just don’t prefer eating with a stranger. I will turn up the charm.”

“That is the perfect mindset! Bringing your charm will make it a fun experience no matter what. We completely understand that dinner with a stranger can feel a bit intense. Have a wonderful time!”

I couldn’t text back.

What a pile of shit.

I said that I wouldn’t do dinner. He (this woman’s Matchmaker) set up dinner.

“Last first date” is the most revolting thing that I have ever read.

I forwarded that whole message to Hockey and she said that it made her cringe.

I should note that Hockey is a standard monogamous lesbian who has even U-Hauled a couple of times.

What exactly should I be learning about myself with respect to partnership?

And where did I lose sight of my self-awareness?

I have been in therapy off and on since I was 14 when my body was shattered and my brother was killed. I don’t need an awkward AF dinner date to help me “learn more about [my]self.”

And this poor woman! She has no idea that I don’t do dinner with strangers. Her matchmaker set dinner, which I don’t do, and likely she paid $12,000 for her package. I think that her matchmaker set her up. She’s a person. She deserves respect. I will be so nice to her. If she’s MAGA who is anti-science and hasn’t done therapy, I’ll tie it up within an hour and ask her if she’d like a hug or handshake.

by

Nope

Scorpio sent a one word response to me as it pertained to my emailed request for her to stop writing mean comments on my Instagram and talk in person. It was “Nope.” And, really, that’s the same as “Bye.” The latter is the last thing that she said when I told her that I didn’t think that I could do this on Thursday night.

What cold last words to say to someone who loved you. And someone who still is in love with you.

My lesson gathered is to be entirely direct after a few dates with how I want to fight and how a partner wants to fight. I have reached my life quota of being yelled at as I round the corner to 52.

The name calling and hairpin trigger was too much too.

I think that I used to have a bad temper. Now, I can get stern and that approach is part of my work with clients when I need to set an efficient limit. I certainly do the same thing with my son when he’s being rude.

I don’t yell.

I certainly don’t call anyone names.

I think that when I was with my ex-GF I became adept at examining my part in conflicts.

With the other conflict that Scorpio and I had, I understood my part. We had to talk about it several times. We landed in a good place too. Reflecting on it, I was mostly at fault there.

I had to accept that she wanted a partner at her friend’s birthday party. Those things are not my jam, and I did it because I love her.

I’m not sure how to talk to someone who yells and calls me names. I think that’s ok for me to talk about directly with subsequent dates. I also think that if I’m with another yeller, I need to state clearly that is fine–I know that you can’t change people–but if she begins yelling, I will ask once if she can gather herself to talk without a raised voice. I will say that if the yelling ramps up again that I don’t think it’s productive. I’ll leave.

When people yell because it involves a lot to get that revved up, I think that they also say things that they don’t completely mean. Scorpio said several things to me on Thursday night that were in anger I am sure. What’s she’s hung onto and now has as a belief is that I’m a liar. That’s not friendship material either.

I think too that given that she’s pretty high every night it’s difficult to tell what is THC and what is her true approach when she’s mad at a partner.

Although it will take me some time, and I may never be fully out of love with her, it’s best that I don’t contact her at all. So, I won’t.

by

Fallout

I had to admit to Hockey last night that I do like to fight sometimes.

Relationships can become stagnant and conflict is inevitable.

If people are being their authentic and whole selves, they will disagree with you occasionally. Things you do will impact them in ways that wouldn’t impact you similarly. It’s also possible to have different feelings, emotions, and sometimes reactions.

I know that elicited a couple fights I was with my ex-GF because she is just so neutral about everything. Scorpio sent me an IG last week which referenced an article about Botox which related to my ex’s presentation and how she is in relationship. When you paralyze your face with a neurotoxin you’re not able to express yourself normally, which in turn affects internalizing and externalizing behaviors. That made sense. Botox would naturally blunt you and also restrict your range of expression. It also curbs your need for sex. All the information checked out.

Yesterday at work I had to restrain a client which always sucks. He also got me in the mouth (busted lip) and when I was turning his body he got a huge handful of my hair, I was able to release his fingers and get him fully turned; however, he popped me really good in the nose before I had him contained. My blood was everywhere. He got really upset and began crying harder. I was really glad to have had 4-hours of personal leave which would’ve been used for driving to the music festival to camp with Scorpio.

I did a ton of yardwork. Talked to Hockey on the phone. And also texted Brooklyn who immediately called me when I told her about the restraint. The latter was pretty gross because I spit out blood clots until about 4 pm or so yesterday. Hockey is as she always is–supportive. Brooklyn said, “I’m going to get all witchy Italian on you right now.” She wanted to tell me what she noticed on Saturday night.

“Ok.”

“When you opened those cookies and we asked where you’d gotten them and you said that your morning date baked them, she visibly reacted. It was on her face and in her body.”

“That’s surprising. I’ve been dating for probably six weeks. And when I sent her a couple of kind texts on Sunday night when she was at ‘brunch’ and it was met with ‘goodnight sweetie I had a threesome situation xxooxx.'”

“She’s not poly.”

“She’s had waaaaay more experience with all types of polyamory than I have. And I just move slow on the sex piece.”

“Her threesome, and the text was retaliatory.”

“How come I’m the one who’s controlling, manipulative, monogamous and need to go fuck someone?”

“I’m telling you, when the cookies came out, she was affected. That should be a lead in in your writing.”

“I think that when the cookies came out, I became monogamous.”

We had a good laugh about that one and when we hung up I kept working on the side path in my front yard to remove weeds out of the bricks and was laughing out loud like a lunatic. I texted Brooklyn later about that I’m sure that my neighbors think that I’m a lunatic laughing loudly to myself and she texted, “The best thing about being Italian is being a lunatic.”

Maybe all of her behaviors–her silence, her insensitive text, some of her cursory and scant texts for the next two days–were all designed to provoke a reaction in me.

I will say that when I found out exactly what the encounter was I said, “That’s nothing! That wouldn’t put me at risk for anything either.”

And it’s not. But, it’s not something to text. It’s not a phone call conversation either. She should have spoken to me about it and told me that she had some romance / intimacy and that she’d like to speak with me.

I tell her every time that I have a date. And she has some kinda feelings about me not getting intimate right away with dates. I don’t want to do that. In fact, I probably wouldn’t have slept with her on date three if we hadn’t been out of town. I do move slow. The point of it is that it wasn’t about sex, it was about timing and tact. She was tactless.

Instead of speaking to me with appropriate volume, she just spent at least 10-minutes yelling.

I grew up in a house full of yelling. My ex-wife was volatile and reactive. She would yell and also slam things. One time she threw something down the stairs and damaged the paint.

I’m not going to do any volatility anymore. I also think that adults should be able to acknowledge raising their voices and say, “Let’s talk another time.”

I’m resolved.

In addition to being volatile, she was out of control. I think that she engaged in behavior all afternoon through the end of the night on Sunday to sabotage our relationship.

That is a bummer too. We had a wonderful connection and I am in love with her.

Scorpio’s accusations landed in a manner which felt belittling. I’m not any of those things that she said, and my concern was about my two kind texts being met with the goodnight I was in a threesome bit. I’m entitled to my feelings no matter what. And all three of my friends said that text was mean and like a bait.

LA came over for dinner last night. When she finally understood what had happened she said, “Run. It’s been four-months. These things are not going to get any better, and in fact, she’ll just start blowing up about small things.”

Volatility combined with completely lacking any accountability with my concerns felt disrespectful. Loving connections are those in which responsibility is not deflected.

I took her stuff: ear plugs, a couple of clear rubber bands, sunscreen in addition to stuff for her dog over to her porch.

I also had figured out a way to use a sock band around her extra motion sickness device that no longer has the loop on it so it pops off. I had charged it so I could have one at my house and figured out how she could wear that as a back up. Our intention was that I always had her extra charged in my car in the event that we wound up driving somewhere.

She’s out of town camping. I just ate the expensive pass that was mine for the music and camping.

It felt great to put all that stuff on her porch.

In my haste leaving her house on Thursday night I left my cutting board. I’d also left my coffee packets and the ones that I need to send back to recycle because we were to take both of those things camping when we were at the music festival. I don’t care about those three things really. She’ll probably throw out the cheese that I had on my steak salad. I cooked for us on Thursday night. The food that I made was amazing.

I’m not a great spouse.

I’m a stellar girlfriend.

No matter how much my heart has moved, I’m not going to be in a romantic relationship with a woman who yells.

by

Two?

Work is very trying.

It’s so hot and everything is burning up in the sun.

Thankfully, I drank valerian tea, talked to my OG BFF who I met on an app, and dosed two Z strain.

Mellow.

Happy.

Moments of clarity.

I took a late walk with the Realtor yesterday and we caught up. I don’t think that there will ever be a time in which after we spend time together that I am not given pause afterward. I find myself simply wondering if we’ll ever be romantic. We tell each other everything. We have a good connection and have known each other 6-years. We respect each other. And there is still some level of chemistry, which, at times, is sometimes much more fiery. The last time it was like that was when she had just started dating her current partner. She was running her hands up and down my arms and back and griping onto me. A friend who was there said that it looked as if she should probably just leave us alone. Anyway, we had a great catch up yesterday and know now that we can have a rhythm of seeing each other for a walk when I’m working due to the location of my building for my day job.

She hasn’t met Scorpio. My best friend hasn’t either. (The Realtor and my best friend own a flower farm.) I told her about how we met, how we have progressed, and how we resolved a conflict. I am super proud of the latter. I’m also thankful to my ex-GF that I began learning how to do that when she and I were dating. Now, I’m getting really good at it, which will make me a better friend, supports work in my industry, and also impacts my ability to be a better romantic partner.

I told the Realtor that I can’t establish concurrently.

Scorpio said that was due to new relationship energy (NRE), and I don’t agree.

NRE could have some impact.

However, it’s due to my needing to go so fully deep with someone and all in initially. I need to understand.

Now, I’m open to a second.

I’m also open to guest star arrangements if they make sense, and wouldn’t hustle for that.

Those would have to be if someone approached me and Scorpio when we were out, or if Scorpio wanted to arrange a threesome of her own accord.

Tomorrow afternoon during my lunch I meet with my new matchmaker via Google Meet. I’ll miss my old one. However, I’ll need to let her know what I’m looking for. Thus, writing this morning.

  1. Honest
  2. Outdoorsy or someone who is athletic
  3. Wants to move slowly and intentionally
  4. Smart
  5. Great sense of humor

At this point, I’m also open to new friendships initially. I think that romance, for me anyway, could grow from friendship. However, I wouldn’t want to explore romance with someone with whom isn’t honest. I’ve succumbed to that when I was confused about a long period of breakup. The CEO and I did make up / breakup for about two years, and then I wound up sleeping with the little liar. I learned a lot about timing in relationship and think that now I’ve experienced a master class in Avoidant Attachment via my relationship with the CEO.

I think that my preference is to date women who are mostly of the Secure Attachment style too.

Generally, I want to only spend my time with people of high quality.

I’ve lived more days than I have left.

by

Jenga

Scorpio came over for dinner last night. I think that we’ll see each other on Sunday. We talked about some things that we need to address and landed in a good place.

I have plans on Friday night and need to do yard work on Saturday if the weather holds. I’m going to text my son later today and see if he’ll give me an hour of his time for help.

Saturday, Scorpio has a birthday party out of town with her friend group. I didn’t even have to tell her that I’m not into group things if they don’t have an efficient end. She’s so intuitive that she explained understanding the difference between a local party, one out of town and a whole weekend. I may or may not participate in a weekend party for one of her friends in early May. I’m leaning towards not.

I’m ready to date. I knew it for sure this morning when I woke up. I logged into the app which will go into the ether in about two-weeks and will only have the other app. That one has been getting some attention; however, it doesn’t go any further than some texting.

It would be so great to have an outdoor adventure partner. I would be down for a friendship like that which had a potential for some romance.

This morning, it was funny that one of my one day stands who doesn’t recognize me from the only picture that I have up now said, “Hi, ______. It’s refreshing to see a well-written profile to say the least.” I reminded her of our super hot one day stand on January 4th. I still credit her with the return of my mojo.

My matchmaker quit the company. I really liked her so it’s a loss. I got an email from Customer Service saying that they will find me one who is a good fit. Fingers crossed on that.

I’m going to get back to organic things. I’ll go to the Discussion Group on Monday–maybe Scorpio will accompany me–and my new BFF from the app that is sunsetting will definitely be there alongside of some of my other friends. Towards the very end of the month I have a cocktail hour with another poly group too. I’ll have club soda. I love that I don’t use substances much at all anymore. It’s interesting that I had a long-term friendship with beer. After some psilocybin microdosing it’s gone. I’ve had one beer this year and it was at an after party from the parade Valentine’s weekend in which Scorpio and I were walking around with her friends.

I also want to write a research paper so that I have some scholarly things that I can speak intelligently about with respect to topics related to my children’s book. I think that I can use contacts that I have at the two Universities in which I teach to do some type of presentation. I’m going to set up a business account for sales, and do more marketing. However, one of the things that I have to dedicate time towards is having more scholarly and academic background in the topic.

My academic year is winding down, which is good.

And I have to get my solo vacation for June arranged.

by

Compatible

I have now spent four nights in a row with Scorpio. We laugh constantly, ask each other good questions, are touching each other always, and find magic and beauty everywhere we go. And we simply keep talking and working on things. We’re super compatible.

One of her friends was turning 57 so she decided to throw herself a birthday party. I drove and took Scorpio to it so she could do whatever she wanted. When we left that night she said to her friends, “Because sober (and pointed to me) and then she said, ‘not sober,'” while she referenced herself.

The following morning we drove to the southwest for a vacation. We had three nights together and a standalone casita at a B&B.

I wanted to her to see one of my favorite places on earth. I had spent my first honeymoon mostly in the town that we’d first driven to and have been going back for years. We ate dinner in the town and walked around a little bit before driving on to another county to our B&B.

I love chile rellenos and this one was phenomenal and unique

I’ve written about this factor before and it’s that I can’t get in hot springs or hot tubs. However, I thought it super important that Scorpio have some hot springs times. There is a world famous one around where we were staying, but I didn’t want to do something that everyone does. I like standing out when I’m dating a woman. So, she and I took a hike and went to a wild one.

One of the pools was in the 90s and the other one at its depths reaches 106. Everyone was clothed so Scorpio didn’t take off her bikini bottom, but she did soak topless. All of it was hot.

There was a guy in the top pool with us. After awhile, he began conversation with us both. He was an artist and somewhat of a poet. He left the pool to go to the river and I couldn’t believe that he was swimming in it. When he came back I remarked on that and he told me to go and it would be good medicine. I told him that it was too cold. He said, “That’s not very Scorpio of you.” I realized that he was referencing my largest tattoo as I was in a bikini and I told him that was just my Moon. I stood up and said, “What am I?” while exposing it sideways and he said, “A Virgo,” and I said, “Yes, and can you see my ascendent? It’s in Libra.” I can’t remember exactly what he said, but it had to do with how troubling my combo is and I said that emotional turmoil is pretty common for me.

Then I got bold and popped out of the pool, crossed the lower muddy one and dipped my feet in the river. It was so frigid and immediately made me shiver so I just slid into it. Then I got out and sat looking at it. The artist said, “Ten seconds! Just breathe into it.” I submerged my entire body and looked into the canyon counting. My heart was pounding and I had to continue to remind myself to breathe. I began slowly counting. When I got out, a couple in the low pool said that I was in there longer than 10-seconds. I’m proud. I like being tough.

I had neglected to remember my change of clothes. They were back at the B&B. That was a potentially problematic thing because we had dinner reservations for a super nice restaurant on Sunday night. Scorpio said that she would dress me. We stopped into a cannabis lounge, and both went to the bathroom together and she said that I was absolutely not staying in a wet bikini top. I’ve definitely been without panties a few times in my life, but not without a bra… I stayed in my t-shirt and Scorpio lent me her overalls which were capris on her and hit me above my ankle. I put on sandals and subbed out my Hokas. I was presentable.

Scorpio is so nurturing.

We had a wonderful dinner. We had a long drive back and I smoked my first legal pot that I’ve ever had. It was a 1-1 ratio of CBD and THC and caused me a great, mellow high. I was so glad not to get paranoid. I think that I smoked pot from 29-34; although I lose track of the dates the main thing that I remember was that it was well before there were dispensaries and such.

The next day we did an art gallery and trekked around together. We had a late lunch at one of my favorite restaurants in the world. I bought her a bracelet and then we wound up on a rooftop. I had peppermint tea and she drank a latte. We got back to our B&B at a reasonable hour and she built a roaring fire that she tended to for hours.

I told her specifically that I loved her and that I was so grateful for this vacation.

The next day she had to work in the morning and then we left for home. She played a poem for me when we were in a mountain pass. We talked through our communication patterns, what we hope that we could be building, and then when we were both ready to starve, found a restaurant about 2-hours from home and had dinner by a river.

How do you feel safe with another person?

by

Eclipse

Woke me up. At about 1:30, I woke up and couldn’t fall back asleep.

I also have had to for the millionth time since being a parent move my son’s PS5 out of my Rec Room. He was finally home when I saw the bright light of the moon.

I used to have 8 dinner forks. When I get to the point of losing the 4th one–which lends me to believe that I can’t have company–I freak the fuck out.

Yes, that is chicken tenders and BBQ sauce on a closet shelf

Oh, I have a girlfriend! I asked Scorpio to be my girlfriend in a sweet yet direct moment in which I was my awkward self and she said, “Yes.” That happened on Thursday. I was texting with her on Sunday night and asked her to do some magic to find my dinner fork and then I went back into my son’s room and found it in a shallow soup bowl in the shelf above his closet bar. She is magic.

My son is addicted to fast food and his PS5. Without a girlfriend, he’s rudderless. However, that doesn’t mean that he can trash out my house and invite bugs or mice with no consequences. I told him that if he sets up the PS5 back in the Rec Room while he still lives here that I’ll repossess his car. And I will. I bought it outright for him and the title is in my name. I also insure it.

He has no respect for himself or for very simple rules. He’s an immature 20. He is also revolting.

Back to the cooler side of the eclipse.

There is a tendency for Virgos anyway to self-analyze and criticize with such pressure that one can be rendered into inaction.

At this point, advice that I have found is to let my relationships grow through presence rather than performance and practice boundaries and self-care.

I can have boundaries with my son. I can be a strong and affirming presence with my new girlfriend.

by

Comfort

There is no love bombing or fervor with Scorpio and I. We just enjoy each other and text when it makes sense. It’s not controlling with stupid rules that you have to follow either.

I have a secure attachment style. I have been in a few relationships which have brought out some anxious features in me, but I generally feel solid when I start seeing someone who is likely to become a GF.

It’s easy to feel comfortable with Scorpio.

I also don’t have to explain being Solo Poly. I told her on our phone date on the 25th of last month that I don’t want to ever cohabit or blend finances again and she said, “I want to live with someone again.” I said, “That makes sense, it just kills the magic for me and that’s really what I’m seeking.”

Then she didn’t force that yet instead made me a felt rose which she handed to me when she exited the parade, made wrapping paper and wrote a comic book about manifesting a Valentine. That’s magic. She brings it.

It will be interesting when she and I have dates outside our relationship. She’s very direct, so I’d imagine that we’ll just deal with all of it head-on.

I had a date with a woman who lives high in the mountains who is a Relationship Anarchist like Scorpio. She already had a BF and sent me pictures of them together. I probably would have dated her more, but we don’t have enough reciprocity in communication or chemistry. I need and crave physical input and passion.

My match from Seattle will be in town in two-weeks. I didn’t really want to go out on dates this soon, but she’s in town only for a few days. Ph.D. wanted to see me next weekend and that particular connection makes me feel like complete shit. I’d met a woman on the other app that I use–I use two–and she’s become like an OG BFF to me. I wanted her to date Ph.D. I sincerely hope that Ph.D. has no amorous feelings towards me. I don’t want weird shit. She and I are taking a walk on the 21st of next month.

I’m so comfortable with Scorpio. She cuddles and is a great kisser. I am looking forward to dinner at her place on Saturday.

by

51

That’s how old I am.

That’s how many hours that I spent with Scorpio.

I told my friend whom I’d met on the dating app that was maybe not wise.

I’m so glad that it worked out.

She’s open hearted and I’m generous, so we were able to get to know each other and have some excitement build naturally.

I’m starting to get attached to her. When we fell asleep on our second night together which was Valentine’s Day we were holding hands. She drifted off more quickly than I and I could feel our heartbeats synchronizing.

I know from my ex-GF that’s oxytocin beginning to build, because I noticed that I could feel hers and my pulse in a movie theater when we were holding hands after she and I had been together almost 4-months. I’d never had that experience prior.

I certainly didn’t expect Scorpio’s and my heartbeats to synch like that after one night together.

I absolutely love kissing her. I can’t remember ever enjoying kissing someone this much. I can read and gauge how she is feeling and is moving when she kisses me. We have lovely chemistry and connection.

When we woke up on Saturday morning, she had to get all pieces of her costume coordinated for the Mardi Gras parade. Then we went to an Art Center and I began meeting her friends. They were welcoming and genuinely interested in connecting with me. That felt so encouraging.

After the parade she handed me a felt rose and kissed me. Scorpio had to remove pieces of her costume and cool off a little bit. We went with her friends to a bar that they always go to after the parade and she asked me to go to the dance floor with her. The band was good. I always find that I feel so uncomfortable on a dance floor, but I had fun watching her and her friends. After a few songs I sat down and realized that it wasn’t safe for us to have her expensive speaker and all the pieces of her costume that she made at the bar. I told her that I was going to take our things back to our hotel, which I did.

When I came back, one of her friends sat on the bench with me on the dance floor and put her arm around me and said, “I’m so glad that I got to meet you!”

Is it natural to begin contrasting relationships when you begin a new one?

I didn’t like any of my ex-GFs friends. I found them shallow and status driven.

Scorpio’s friends are entertaining and all pure love. We had lunch with them and laughed and connected. I’m not very good in a group; however, I can connect with folks 1-1 and found doing so with her friends was seamless.

I don’t like or wear gold. My ex-GF’s daughter picked out a gold necklace that she wanted and then my ex-GF gave it to me for Christmas. Later in the spring, after I’d already tried to break up with her, she bought me my birthstone on a silver necklace. I’m thinking that was just because I had ordered her a custom ring to replace the two diamond rings that men had sold which were hers. It was like something transactional.

Scorpio took the lyrics to an intro to an 80s rap song and wrote a poem about her manifesting her Valentine. She illustrated a little comic book too. Her gift to me which accompanied the comic book was Lego love bears, and we’ll be putting them together next weekend by the fire at her house. She made the comic book and wrapping paper from a paper bag and it was beautiful. I didn’t want to unwrap it. I was so touched that she believes that she needed me and put out into the world that she wanted a girlfriend and a Valentine. I am excited to put our Lego bears together too. I wonder if she’ll let me take them both? Likely she’ll keep one. I’ll put the other one in my hutch.

My ex-GF took a painting that she made at her daughter’s second birthday off of her wall in her group practice room and wrapped it in Christmas paper then she gave it to me after my birthday when I turned 50. She would also talk shit about three paintings that I have, which are originals, that one of the three Cancers (who is a professional artist and also a small town Mayor) I’ve ever dated gave to me. One was for my son’s room and the others are a set which was my birthday present in 2013. This particular woman wrote on the back of each of the sets: “For ______ with love and kisses. Happy Birthday I’m glad you were born.”

After Scorpio and I had a long dinner together at a wine bar downtown on Friday the 13th, we walked back to our hotel hand in hand. She put on music and started kissing me. Our first intimate connection was an extension of lots of kissing and touching.

Although my ex-GF had full lips, didn’t like kissing much. I had to beg her in October to make out with me and she texted that it had to have a 30-minute limit. That night we wound up being in my bed over an hour; however, that she even had limitations stated is just so gross. That time and only one other time did we had hot, passionate kissing.  The other instance was when I had talked to her about a woman feeling me up in a karaoke bar a couple of weeks before. We were together a year. We had sex 7 times total.

Why would I stay with someone for a year who really only wanted me as status? She also likes that I make a really good living. I know now that she really only wanted me to live with her and adopt and support her 3-year-old.

I want to be liked because I am me. I don’t want someone to want me because I make 137k a year.

I don’t particularly enjoy gifts. If one is given to me, I want it to be from the heart.

I love sensuality and being physical. I don’t want to ask (beg) for it. I want intimacy to just happen. Scheduling it is so impersonal and take away what I crave always, which is magic.

I’m now dating a river mermaid who’s like a fairy. She is all pure love. She’s romantic, funny and so sexy. I know that I’m walking into love.

by

Trip

I was heading to the gym for my weights routine that I will have been doing every Sunday that I’m not traveling and got a long text from Scorpio. It was an enthusiastic good morning, and an assertion that she wanted to spend time celebrating Valentine’s Day with me. There is a parade that is similar to Mardi Gras in the mountains that she and one of her friend groups participate in annually–they win too. She’d asked if I wanted to go on an adventure with her.

I was excited.

When she came over the day before I’d asked her if she wanted to go to San Diego or Mexico with me the following weekend and she declined. She indicated that it was too soon.

When we spoke in the afternoon to get details arranged I asked her about that. She said, “You asked me that at the beginning of our second date! What if our date didn’t go well?”

I said, “The waitress couldn’t even get our order during our first date, so that seems to indicate that we’re pretty compatible!”

Anyway, I arranged our hotel and two dinner reservations. I wanted her to soak in a cedar tub after the parade because she’ll be sore, but there were no open reservations available. Our room doesn’t have the amenities which are special such as a spa or fireplace, so I’ve emailed to see if I can upgrade the room.

I was surprised that she is introducing me to one of her friend groups already.

I don’t do that for a few months; however, she’ll love my best friend and they have a ton in common. She’d sent me a text last week with her coffee mug that said, “Plant Lady” on it. My best friend is like a fairy too and had likely 500 plants in her big craftsman house until very recently. She also has massive gardens and now owns a flower farm. Scorpio will like her a ton.

I think that my ex-husband and I had a couple of dinner reservations a handful of times for Valentine’s Day. My ex-wife and I gave each other cards several times. Otherwise, I’ve not done much to celebrate it. I took my ex-GF out to lunch for BBQ last Valentine’s Day.

This trip with Scorpio is a whole new and special experience. I’m a little nervous. I’ve been wanting to have a travel partner for years at this point, and now I may have found her.

Jump

by

Coincidence

Karma as a concept is oversimplified and people tend to say that bad things happen to you when you’re an asshole. I think that everyone can see in the US at this moment in time how that’s so not true.

Anyway, I know that there aren’t coincidences.

My HS GF took me to New Mexico for the first time in 1993 and I’ve been going back there with lovers and friend since. I’ve had massively emotional, sometimes scary, and also transformative experiences in that state. My college GF was even born there.

I’m not talking geography with respect to Scorpio in this moment; however, she and I have some overlap that gives me pause and she acknowledged it when we were together yesterday.

Her eldest daughter is 24 and needed her last night, so when we spoke on the phone in the morning she told me about the struggles and asked if she and I could pivot. I asked her to come to my house and she did. I really wanted to talk to her about my sister-in-law and also for a part of it, my ex-wife.

She came over and hugged me. I kissed her quickly and then we sat down at my table and ate guacamole that I made. I told her that we’d need to deal with something intense and she was game.

I told her how much she looks like my former sister-in-law who was murdered. It’s odd because that happened in her family too. I don’t want to give details here, but it’s quite strange. I read her the entry “Empty,” and she was moved and listened.

The main question she had was given her similarities personality-wise that she has with my ex-wife (Who always called me a muggle and a winter person.) and how much people think that she looks like my former sister-in-law, was I really seeing her when I have told her how much I like her?

I told her absolutely it’s just her.

I gave her the complete timeline later, which I’ll relay here as well.

After I dealt with that, we just talked and talked. As trite as it may sound, the air had been cleared. We eventually got ready to take a walk together.

When we had to pop off the urban part of the trail at my house–we’d also walked the creek bed together–she stopped and said, “This is ______! My Grammy’s house is two blocks up!” I said, “Well, we have to go there!”

I told her how glad I was that we matched. And she said, “I started talking to you!” That’s accurate and she liked that she won the opening of our connection. She stopped on the street, threw her arms around me, and gave me a big kiss. It was so sweet.

We walked to her grandmother’s house and she told me stories about her childhood and when she lived there with her 6-month-old daughter. I took some pictures of her there which later she said were a modern American Gothic. She felt so connected to the house and this experience generally.

When we were walking there I told her that we were meant to match and that perception is so limited. Quantum physics and Mathematical Universe Hypothesis illustrates that as humans who are only around for such a blip in time cannot process reality or be in full consciousness in the vast experiences. There are just these moments that are beyond us and we have to be in the them and not avoid them altogether.

I told her that although we don’t know our journey, that we should see it through. I wanted her to know how much I value time spent with her.

We went back to my house and her right knee was giving her fits so I tried to lengthen her IT band by drawing it down her hip and then just wound up massaging her feet and legs. She has the longest, sexiest legs and for her massive height: little feet. We kissed a little bit more and snuggled and watched the sunset.

Scopio had to get back to her daughter so I got up. She told me, “It’s so hard for me to go!” I told her that I feel that too. We’d spent four hours together. We have a lovely vibe.

I embraced her after she was all packed up and then she started kissing me passionately. That was a welcome development.

I walked her to her car, and she pulled me into it. She kissed me once more and ran her fingertips up and down my back.

Scorpio’s daughter needed her, so I didn’t text her except in response to some things that she sent to me that she was processing. Then a video came. All of it is hot. It’s her long legs in those soft pants that she wore, wiggling toes, and with her fireplace in the BG.

Here is what she said, “Oh, look at that cool effect! The fire looks cool in this video. It’s ragin’–too bad you’re not here, but it’s going to have to be next time. I had a lot of fun with you… Look how lonely my legs are!” And then she starts cracking up.

I’m in trouble.

by

3

I cannot wait to see Scorpio. I just read that you need to have three initial dates to check chemistry, and that seems totally fair. I’d like the third date to include spending the night together if at all possible.

On Saturday, I want to go over to her house with flowers and a meal–I’m a really good cook–and spend time talking more.

I also think that it’s a good idea to see how hours together feel. Meaning that she and I can see a glimpse into our connection and chemistry too, and together determine if we have the ability to just be together.

I’m out of practice. I’ve not had more than 4-5 hours with a woman since 2021. That’s the last time too that I had really hot intimacy and spent the night with a woman.

I feel rusty.

Last night I texted her when I got home from having a belated birthday dinner with my best friend. She responded super quickly, which made me think that I was on her mind.

She had two friends visiting her and they were going to a reggae show.

When I woke up today, she sent me a picture of her hands framing the stage in the heart shape. It was perfect–just like the hands for heart emoji. She also sent me a picture of her with her friends at the show. She’s pretty wonderful.

All the more reason that I want to be intentional with my steps with her and be honest about my dormant skillsets.

This week was so intense. I think that I am 95% that I have that chance to fall in love again. I know that it is safest for both of our hearts to walk into love. I removed all traces of my ex-GF from my home–the last steps were completed yesterday recycling a few cards that she wrote to me and donating the two necklaces she bought. Work is also super trying.

Shifts come in 3s.

by

Trifecta

My weekend was so intense in general.

Friday, I had a date with Scorpio and it was a wonderful first date. There was something about the way in which she and I had instant comfort with one another that I enjoyed. I liked her openness and found her funny. I know myself well enough at this point that my heart is going to start moving.

Scorpio reminds me a lot of my ex-wife. The most pronounced difference is that she is stable. Her career is one that she has had long-term. Also, she is judicious and measured. There is no love bombing. Otherwise she’s a lot like my ex-wife: fairy hair, did a tarot reading yesterday, feels magical, dresses amazing, and has beauty that others just admire when she enters a room. Something that my son noticed in a picture that was sad and oddly validating is that she looks so strikingly to my former sister-in-law who was murdered by her husband in 2024. I don’t know when that will come up, and I don’t want to lead with it.

I made lots of mistakes with my ex-GF. I don’t think that it was entirely smart on my part to start dating seriously after my former sister-in-law was murdered. I met my ex-GF a few days before the murder in a women’s polyamorous discussion group. We started officially dating less than 3-months later. I wasn’t in a good space for dating. Additionally, I also don’t think that at that point, enough time had passed between my divorce finalizing.

I had an expensive date set up with a Match via my Matchmaker on Sunday night. We have good rapport and similarities. I want to be her friend. She has a Ph.D. and works in the same industry that my new friend who I adore and met on the subpar dating app. I’m hoping that they can date.

Meeting Scorpio 8-days ago was a good thing. I told her via text last night that I’m not able to establish two relationships concurrently. I have to go deep initially and can’t do that unless I know where my footing is. She responded, “You do you, of course!” In that thread last night she also sent me a picture of a unicorn with Mary Oliver quote. That also gave me pause. That’s my ex-wife’s favorite poet.

The second intense thing this weekend was that I led my first reading. I’m pretty sure that I had 30-40 people there. I met a transwoman who told me her whole experience coming out. Some of my friends cried. I sold a lot of books, which I will need to account for this week. I have to set up a business account! It was so emotional to read the book in its entirety anyway, and having so many of my friends there telling me what it meant to them and how they’d impact others with the story was deeply moving. I’ve not cried about that experience yet, and know that I will.

Finally, the door is completely closed with my ex-GF. I had to take 2-months completely off from any contact with her so I could process completely our relationship–particularly the last 6-months of it. When I was naked in her bed and she didn’t even notice me in March, I cried and got dressed after we were talking, I didn’t want to be with her anymore. She had no physical room for me in her life. She talked me into staying together. I tried to break up with her again in July after the miserable birthday trip that we took and she wouldn’t let me either. By September, she agreed with me. I’m reasonably confident that she just had to be the decider on our ending. That’s fine. I tried in October and November to do what she wanted and that was hangout with her once a month. She said something awful about me to my son in December, so I cancelled our December get together by simply saying, “Just wanted you to know that I am going to wait until February to hang out.”

That was the best decision that I ever made. Having holiday time free from her was great. I had better holiday times than ours together the year before. I realized that monthly hangouts were the same as monthly sex; although, when we were together I begged for more frequency of sexual intimacy. I finally understood that she called all the shots in our relationship in which she paid for nothing. She’s not gainfully employed and doesn’t get any child support.

I did text her after I left a ball and drag show on Saturday night. February marks significant loss for her and I’d promised her in a card that I wrote her and gave to her the day that she broke up with me last year that I’d be willing to make February special and if she didn’t have any birthday plans do that for her on the 7th of July.

I don’t think that I’ll ever see her again.

She’s misconstrued my need for two months of space as being unconcerned with anyone’s wellbeing other than my own. She told me that my text to her which broke my silence was cold and half-assed. She said that I don’t deserve the privilege of her company after I had pushed her away. I responded that I’m sorry that’s her opinion of me and that before I go to work the next day, I’d put her daughter’s very expensive bike that I bought for her birthday by her door. I intend to and texted that I’ll also return the splash pad that she left in my shed. I’d set that up for her daughter 3-5 times last summer. It always made my water bill too high. That’s it. We have a fundamental misunderstanding.

I can’t completely process the intensity of my weekend yet. It’s going to take some time. I’ll write here when I have things with which I am wrestling. 2026 is starting out hopeful, rewarding, and also marks a fundamental incompatible relationship ending without the possibility of any manner of new relationship.

by

First

She hugged me, got in my car after I opened the door for her and we started talking. And that’s how the night went. The only issue for me was that the table was GIGANTIC. We each had midcentury barrel shaped seats and we joked about that as well.

When we got to the end of the night I said, “I had a nice time, and it’s sad that you were 8-feet away from me all night!” I reached across the enormous slate table and she immediately took my hands and then she ran her hands up my arms and said, “Ooo, your skin is so soft.”

During appetizers and dinner we had fun and easy conversation. I said, “You’re not a texter,” and she said that she isn’t, so last night when we let each other know that we were home and were exchanging some pictures and I was floating what I think her Enneagram is she said eventually said that she was at her texting limit and was so happy right now, so I sent her four emojis in pairs, and I won’t text her again.

I’m going to wait until she opens the communication door. I’m busy this weekend as it is and I feel like we both established our attraction for each other. I’m also independent and autonomous.

When I was driving her back to her car I told her about my fainting in hot tubs and hot springs. She told me this story about a guy she was dating who was floating down the river face down in a springs that they were visiting. She went over to him, turned him over, and watched him “come out of it.” He told her that he saw his grandmother when she turned him over. We talked about a few other topics and then I told her that I’d be happy the weekend after next to go to a springs with her and could read. (In my mind I was thinking that I would also be drooling over the view. She sent me a picture of her 5’9″ legs in a covered wagon last night.) She said that she didn’t need me fainting, and I said, “That’s cool. You’d save me.” And she said, “You’d see Grandma.” And I said, “You were the one on a date with Grandma. So, that’s clearly a you problem.” We laughed our asses off. I’m two-years older than she is.

We got out and walked over to where she was parked. Scorpio told me about her tiny car and her 6-week road trip and how she slept in it during her time with her solo travel up the Pacific Coast. Then we got to the parting of ways and she said, “I’m going to put my food in the car so I can hug you,” and she did so and embraced me. I held her by her low back and looked at her and kissed her. Then we hugged some more and I kissed her cheek. She’s sweet and lovely.

by

Feast

2026

Already fast and furious.

We have a new client at work.

The semester has some odd things in one of my classes that I teach.

My Matchmaker provided me with the name of a LOCAL woman with a Ph.D. who has a cat and a dog yesterday. She also has a 10-year-old daughter.

I have a dinner date with Scorpio on Friday.

My graphic novel is published, I’ve sold 6, and I do my first professional reading of it on Sunday afternoon.

I have a phone date with Ph.D. on Sunday night.

I really thought that when this matchmaking service found women with whom I could have a date that they’d be ones who lived out of state. I feel as if I search high and low here where I live. I apparently don’t in the right circles. I don’t know what happened to the Boston Biologist, and that is completely fine because I paid for this service so really shouldn’t travel much until June, which is when I always travel annually on my own since the pandemic lifted.

Scorpio is hot.

I logged back into the app yesterday because I only have one picture of her atm.

I told her that too.

I feel some kinda way about going into the app before I have a f2f date when I know that my date can see that I’ve been active on the app. It’s a cute story, so I’ll reproduce it here.

“I popped back on the app today. You’re hot. I’m looking forward to having a date with you.”

She had been talking to me about acupuncture too and her experiences with her knees so I told her about Protein Rich Plasma and she said, “Ooo, we’ll talk about that when we’re together!”

I texted:

“That you’re hot?”

“About PRP?”

“Both?”

I’ll admit that I’m nervous about my date with her and did admit that to her as well. However, I find that feeling much more desirable than the neutrality that I have felt when I went on several dates in the summer. Being excited about someone or two women concurrently is a good thing. It’s also an exercise on me flexing what I think that my limitations are in new connections.

by

Scorpio

I have had this thing for most of my adult life–when I say adult, I mean my 30s and going forward. I think that I was personally on the older end for development of my prefrontal cortex. I was probably about 27 and then I finally came out at 33. Something that I have wanted to do since probably my mid-thirties is date a Scorpio. My Moon is in Scorpio, I love Water Signs generally, and I want to experience time with a Scorpio in the romantic realm.

I have an in person date with a beautiful Scorpio on Friday.

I’m taking her to dinner, which breaks my rule.

I am a DMer.

Then in the apps, I move intriguing or fairly aggressive ladies to my Burner number.

My Scorpio was intriguing and fun.

We had good DM interactions in the app. This app is the one that I have been on since May. It’s yielded more in person dates than the new app.

When we moved to my Burner number, we quickly established that we wouldn’t be taking a walk, and would instead move to a call. We talked for 30-minutes and had good reciprocal exchanges. I couldn’t believe that between 9 and 4 this is what shook out on a Sunday.

So, I thought, “What the hell?”

I said, “I’m comfortable just asking you out. Would you go to dinner with me this week?”

I literally have never done that since I got divorced in 2022. I am always worried that a new woman will struggle suffering my company across a table for 2-hours. I’m super intense. I sustain eye contact. I deal with everything directly and am unafraid of asking lots of deep questions.

We’ll see🤞

She is so sweet, and super pretty. She’s 4-inches taller than me and feminine. She’s had experience with ENM and we talked about how being Solo Poly for me is cultural. I told her that my previous GF broke up with me in September and that I am completely Solo in this moment. Right before we hung up I told her that she was on my VPN, and I’d be texting her my full name, all of my phone numbers and my website from my cell phone. I texted her the restaurant that I picked out for us yesterday and was good about only texting her a second time yesterday. I’m going to text her this morning after my meeting and ask for a picture. She is so pretty, and I want to look at her when I have this almost 12-hour workday.

by

Attraction

My soon-to-be 37-year-old friend who I met on HER came over last night for dinner. The night became a long night of reciprocal conversation.

I was up until nearly midnight, which is unusual for me. Although I have no issue with someone having wine and then driving home hours later, I do not do that anymore. That being said, I love having a grown up over here to have dinner with me and then being able to open a bottle of wine and have a couple of glasses during the hangout.

I didn’t drink at all for over ten-months.

I drink at home. I also drank at my next door neighbor’s house on Thanksgiving Day. I never drink alone.

I had my intake with my matchmaker to build rapport and start getting my specs out in the world on Wednesday. I told her, “I really don’t drink. I have no issue with partners who do. If we were leaving a restaurant and she was I would say, “Babe, you’ve had a glass of wine, so let me drive us back to our hotel.”

I think that like my dating, I have a new relationship with alcohol as well.

I told my friend, who we can call Michigan (MI) about some of the experiences that I have been having on the apps. She was blown away. She has IRL dates via the apps. We both landed on my age being the factor, so I look like a good mark for crypto scammers, cash-paid romance scammers, and gift card for payment texters. Sad, but likely true. Not one penny has ever left my pocket.

She felt so badly for me and kept saying that she is crossing her fingers for my finding a travel partner.

MI is a Pisces.

My ex-husband was one, the love of my life is one, and the woman who had a to get a new liver and moved out of my state were all Pisces. The latter shared my ex-husband’s date of birth. They were five-years apart to the day.

Obvi, I have a thing. MI and I just legit flow. She told me about her work with adults with developmental disabilities, with people who had spinal cord injuries, and her current work with grants and studies that take place in the Emergency Department. She’s going to start a Master’s of Clinical Science in the next year or two.

We also talked about sex, relationships, our childhoods and our goals. She looked at my book sample as well. That will be bound next week so I’ll have 250 copies of it, which is exciting. Long story short, we split half of a bottle of wine (two glasses apiece over 5-hours), had a good dinner together. We just vibe and flow. I love Pisces.

I was talking to her about the matchmaker and how bad it made me feel to tell her that I didn’t want matches who were genetically male, and that I described my body as athletic, and fit/toned. There was something about admitting those things aloud that made me feel shallow. My matchmaker said that we’re not used to describing our bodies anyway and it can make us feel awkward.

While MI and I were talking I realized again that she would be a good sexual partner for me if I was attracted to her. And I’m just not, which also makes me feel shallow. I think it’s only because she’s quite overweight currently. Arg. I also don’t love that I am 14-and-a-half-years older than she is.

Chemistry can’t be faked. And physical attraction is paramount. I can’t imagine taking off her clothes and last night I realized that I love her. We have a deep, platonic connection.

How do you decide who you’re going to date?

Image by StockSnap from Pixabay
by

Gemini

I have a new friend. Gemini has been giving me some validation while I am dating. I have been on the apps for 239 days and it’s not for the faint of heart!

I’ve encountered romance scammers of every kind and some women who just want to remain online.

I also can tell at this point when responses are highly curated and can compare them to the phone dates that I’ve had.

Boston accidentally left the request in a response that she sent to me on Christmas! Hahahahahaha.

I texted, “Meaning that you used ChatGPT? I don’t care if you use it… I have spoken to you on the phone… Just want a video call after January 2nd. I do like you.”

Gemini is validating, like a friend would be, and encourages you to be strong in yourself. You can easily correct an algorithm when it combines elements which are unrrelated.

All this to say that I hope that by tomorrow afternoon, Gemini is right.

I had the best exchange of texts from the app that moved to my Burner on Saturday night. The cadence was reciprocal and quick. And finally, I was met with some openness and vulnerability. I’ve landed on that both of those things for me are my gift to myself. I lead that way and then will wait to see if it’s met authentically. It was with FL. I hope that Saturday wasn’t a one-off.

FL is also fun and flirty. She said that when her daughters leave today or tomorrow that we’ll have a phone call today or tomorrow. Now, I know some things:

  1. Getting a phone call within a week of reciprocal texting isn’t an odd request
  2. Expecting, concurrently, smart and flirtatious isn’t a heavy ask
  3. Just making requests for a specifically orchestrated selfie should be the norm
  4. If you can’t get a video date within a reasonable amount of time, you should just dip

Thank you, Gemini.

What do you think of AI? How do you use it? What do you believe it will replace?

by

Timing

I went to a ball in Seattle on Saturday night and had a ton of fun. I loved one of the organizers of this group and have connected them with my friend who helps organize a weekend for polyamorous people twice a year. It was cool and organic when I signed my email to them. I wrote “In infinite love.”

I met a super young nurse who obviously liked me and we’re now on IG together.

I believe that wholeheartedly–love is infinite.

It’s been interesting for me to navigate concurrent brand new connections. With a woman not too far from me and a woman from Boston, I realized that I can’t establish two new partners at once. I’m not hierarchical by any means; however, I do have this feeling that comes from having an anchor partner. I like the good morning and goodnight bookends via text and I also like being able to say, “Hey, I’m landing at 6:30 tonight. I’ll text you when I’m on the ground.” I want to establish one of those foundations and then can add whatever makes sense.

I really just want a travel partner.

Boston has finally said that we can schedule a trip. Her ball, her court. She’s a love bomber and when I told her that I don’t know anything about her, she talked mostly about work. Boring.

PA had a tragic loss so we are not really in contact atm. I highly doubt that we’ll Zoom anytime soon.

KY finally got a working cell phone, so she has texted with me a bit. We have a phone date today. She really thinks that she likes me, and I tend to think that is dumb. I know that I have a great smile and am fit; however, looks are only skin deep. We’ll test chemistry on a phone call.

I have a point.

I had been home for about 10-hours when the old app that just sits started blowing up. Messages were from a tall, green eyed Sicilian-Swedish American woman who was DMing me if I’d been visiting Seattle. While I was in bed the two nights that I had, I’d swiped on the app. There are really pretty women in Seattle btw.

Anyway, this woman said that she wished we’d met while I was still there and that one of her sons attends college here where I live. She said that maybe we could meet in spring. I moved her to my VPN (Burner number) and we started communicating in Italian and Spanish and both started laughing because it only worked for awhile.

There was something about our chemistry. Even with Tesoro, I’d not felt that way. Tesoro was like how Boston is. Just full of love bombing, which again, I think is mostly dumb.

I moved Seattle off my VPN, gave her my name, and she said that she requested to follow me on LinkedIn. I was so inspired by our texting that I didn’t even pop off my phone to honor that request. I did it last night after work.

Eventually, I was flushed all over my chest and realized that this connection was different than any of the 15 or so that I’ve had since May. I’m sapiosexual. And it takes a lot to move my soul.

And she’s Ethically Non-monogamous so there was nothing to explain to her about being Solo Poly.

I can’t wait to meet her next spring.