Tag Archives: Anger

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Nope

Scorpio sent a one word response to me as it pertained to my emailed request for her to stop writing mean comments on my Instagram and talk in person. It was “Nope.” And, really, that’s the same as “Bye.” The latter is the last thing that she said when I told her that I didn’t think that I could do this on Thursday night.

What cold last words to say to someone who loved you. And someone who still is in love with you.

My lesson gathered is to be entirely direct after a few dates with how I want to fight and how a partner wants to fight. I have reached my life quota of being yelled at as I round the corner to 52.

The name calling and hairpin trigger was too much too.

I think that I used to have a bad temper. Now, I can get stern and that approach is part of my work with clients when I need to set an efficient limit. I certainly do the same thing with my son when he’s being rude.

I don’t yell.

I certainly don’t call anyone names.

I think that when I was with my ex-GF I became adept at examining my part in conflicts.

With the other conflict that Scorpio and I had, I understood my part. We had to talk about it several times. We landed in a good place too. Reflecting on it, I was mostly at fault there.

I had to accept that she wanted a partner at her friend’s birthday party. Those things are not my jam, and I did it because I love her.

I’m not sure how to talk to someone who yells and calls me names. I think that’s ok for me to talk about directly with subsequent dates. I also think that if I’m with another yeller, I need to state clearly that is fine–I know that you can’t change people–but if she begins yelling, I will ask once if she can gather herself to talk without a raised voice. I will say that if the yelling ramps up again that I don’t think it’s productive. I’ll leave.

When people yell because it involves a lot to get that revved up, I think that they also say things that they don’t completely mean. Scorpio said several things to me on Thursday night that were in anger I am sure. What’s she’s hung onto and now has as a belief is that I’m a liar. That’s not friendship material either.

I think too that given that she’s pretty high every night it’s difficult to tell what is THC and what is her true approach when she’s mad at a partner.

Although it will take me some time, and I may never be fully out of love with her, it’s best that I don’t contact her at all. So, I won’t.

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Demons

I have a somewhat comprehensive evaluation that I’m completing today. I’m going to take all the kits and materials up to the practice office and get set up there. I am getting the dreadful COVID vaccination late afternoon, so I’ll probably be running fevers and generally feeling awful all night.

Yesterday, we took my girlfriend’s daughter to a Valentine Fundraising Event late afternoon, and then I stopped by WF and picked up food for my girlfriend to eat after we hung out and had adult time together.

Last Saturday she and I did a fancy dinner and saw a sexy ballet.

My girlfriend is another shrink. She has done the gamut: behavior tech, lead therapist in a Residential Treatment program, prison work, private practice, working for a large company with clients who are dually diagnosed and in recovery etc. Suffice to say, you can’t hide much from this woman.

I wouldn’t want to anyway.

She’s really easy to trust.

I’ve never been treated this well in a romantic relationship.

Our kids have spent some holiday time together and such. She knows that two weeks ago my son mixed LSD and lots of marijuana. He’s lucky he’s ok. I guess his Dad is too.

My girlfriend wanted to understand what my thought process was when I let my ex-husband 7 drinks loaded get into his girlfriend’s car and drive home when he was “babysitting” our son who was still very much in the throes of paranoia and other problems coming down from substances and his having not eaten much all day.

I told her last night that I didn’t care what happened to him. I don’t know why that is either. Last night I told her that he has rarely showed up for our son in 19-years.

I didn’t tell her this stuff, but I’ll write it:

  1. He paid child support most all of the 18-years
  2. Except when he had a breakdown and moved states, he saw our son every other weekend for about 36-48-hours each weekend
  3. He made sure that our son had Halloween costumes and usually dressed up with him
  4. He taught him more board games and also historical niche games that no one knows
  5. When my second marriage was crumbling, he housed our son off and on for close to 2-years

He’s an alcoholic.

One time when we’d been married a year or under, he threw up in the sink. I was so angry. He called me a bitch.

When I finished my first round of grad school and we had a party at my parent’s house, he drank 8 beers and was talking to my second girlfriend’s fiancé in hiking boots and tighty whities.

He got a DUI and lost his license for just over a year in 2008.

My son explains that he was either laughing loudly at things that aren’t funny or falling asleep with a can of beer in his hand for an evening activity when he lived with him.

It didn’t even register to me that he shouldn’t drive home that Sunday. I just wanted him out of my house. I was also fuming that he can’t be sober or drink lightly when he’s taking care of our son who did something stupid and juvenile that could’ve had catastrophic consequences.

I’m going to talk about the situation in therapy. I’m glad that she brought it up to me.

Please comment. No shame or blame for confrontation.

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Snowed in

I hope that my group therapy isn’t cancelled tonight. It may be. All government and city entities are closed today. When I got up this morning, I thought it was overblown, but now it’s steadily snowing again. It’s actually beautiful. I’ll shovel some of it shortly.

I want to get a few groceries and pick up my son’s meds. I’m getting his SSRI stockpiled so he can I can taper it when he’s more stable. I’ll go get his stimulant out of the nurse’s office at school so he can take one when he takes the GED practice test and one more when he takes the real thing. Then he’ll have to get another job. I am still upset that he blew one of them, as he could have had two nights and a weekend day going for his coaching, but at least his boss let him keep one gig. The season changes in April, so maybe he can coach three teams, and do some other piece work.

I have still been playing and singing, and doing some with him. He is really good at strumming. I’ve not practiced classical which I took in high school, so hitting alternating notes is pretty difficult for me and I want to sing and chord, but strumming patterns are difficult. He drummed while I played and sang last night and I want to make sure that when he’s not doing a closing shift that we keep doing that when it’s night. So fun for us and he’s a really good drummer. He had toyed with getting a 5-year music degree for awhile and did a university visit. I don’t know what he’ll wind up doing and it could take him some time. I don’t want to chime in anymore. I’m actually relieved that he is dropping out because when your kid doesn’t go to class, it’s incredibly burdensome. Seems pointless.

The climber texted me a couple times yesterday. It will be nice to see her on Friday. I still won’t ask her out though. That’s her ball and not mine.

I’ll text the photographer Happy Birthday tomorrow. I’d be shocked if in the next two months that she texted me to plan a bike ride. I won’t ever touch her again though.

I kiss my best friend every time I see her. I kiss her goodbye too. Most of my other friends are not ones that I hug because they give out that don’t hug me vibe. One thing that I actually loathe is the shitty hug. Do you know what a shitty hug is? You get kinda close and turn your head and then put your arms around the shoulders of the person that you’re “hugging” and pat. I think that I’d rather scrape a plate over and over with a metal fork. Why even try?

This explanation brings me to my friend and my new rules for the Prowl. We’re not sitting with each other anymore, but will rather reconvene. We’ll work the room and talk to women and then touch bases at the bar and not on the couch. I’m going to scan too and talk to women and then settle. For our first two Prowls we sat with each other. We need to rove and talk about it. I sat alone Sunday night at a different bar, and then got hit on by men. Not sure why because I had on a beanie with a rainbow flower stitched on it. When that article of clothing also got complimented by a man who just kept staring at me from his table full of friends, I just took it off completely. Men are certainly emboldened when they are having some drinks.

I’m going to lift weights at home today. I’m going to do bench, some strategic bicep work, and forearms.

I really need to recycle mail too. Ugh. I’m missing a therapy manual too, and don’t have any clue where it is. I paid to have it printed because it’s somewhat scripted and it was better to have it in a binder to use. It cost me a ton to print, and I need to find it. I think that I may have brought it to the class that I taught in February, so I wouldn’t have left it at the University, as I’m good about getting everything into cloth book bags when I tear down the room. It’s definitely not in the building that is my main site because I worked on the file cabinet there yesterday waiting for a contentious meeting. I had my colleagues go through stuff in my other building because we’re all doubled-up now and they didn’t find it, but I want to take a peek too. Can I just tell you how glad that I’ll be when I have my own office again?

I’m starving. I try to wait to eat 12-hours after I ate. My son and I watched two episodes of “Supernatural” after we jammed, and I was eating swiss cheese. Hahahaha. So funny. I’d made a homemade pot pie for dinner, but he and I had some wine that our neighbors made so I was hungry. I have to hold out about half an hour more before I make some pumpkin pancakes so it’s 12-hours apart.

The last thread in my mind is that I’m mad again. I actually almost called my ex-wife this weekend and then mentally talked myself off that ledge. It’s weird to spend 9-years with someone (and married for 8), and then they’re poof. It wouldn’t do any good though. I remember one time that she moved out and sent me the video link to “Mirror” by Justin Timberlake and said that I was the love of her life and we have to try. So, we tried, and tried, and tried, and tried. Chapter is closed, but I wanted to talk to her this weekend. She’s moved out permanently this time and lives two states away. It would be great if she was more stable now that she lives with her Mom. That’s the energy I’ll send.