Tag Archives: Exercise

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224,503

That’s my current step count. It’s incredibly unlikely that I’ll get 75,000 today, but I want to get as many as I am able. I’m drinking coffee and waiting to walk the pups and then am meeting a friend of mine for lunch. She has a private practice–she’s not a public servant like I am–and always texts and says, “I’m free on Thursday.” I don’t quite understand how after we’ve known each other for 14-years how she doesn’t understand my ample vacation schedule, but I guess it doesn’t really matter. I just know that she won’t encode mid-August through the first days of June is my schedule for grad students and clients. Her knee is toast right now and she plays semi-professional pickleball, so we won’t be walking. I have improved my step count for March as it’s much higher than it was in January and more than February. The latter is surprising because February I was at convention and also had to walk 4-miles in the middle of the night one night when the trains were not running consistently.

She’s on her third and final marriage. She was also, like me, married to a man as a young person. She has a thirty-year-old and a 20-year-old. I like her wife. We three span 30-years, which is really weird to think about. I’m 48, my friend is 58, and her wife is 68.

I remember when she was 44 that we were smoking pot on her couch and I was thinking about kissing her. She probably chalked it up to my being stoned. I floated dating her for a year probably and never made moves. We have a long-term friendship. She isn’t the most consistent person in the world and I wind up leaving her many VMs and then she finally will make plans with me, and again, texts things like “I’m off on Monday.” I think that I see her once or twice a year.

I went out with a couple of colleagues last night and we all sang. One of the women is really, really good. It’s funny, but when someone is that good, I don’t sound as good. I’ll have to go out with them again and get over myself. I need to do that and also learn to dance. I’m going to call another studio today. I think that if I could be less stiff, I would be happier. Learning new things is good for everyone and especially good for me.

It’s dry and scary windy. I have to water my trees shortly, so they don’t perish. After lunch today I have to go get groceries. My colleague who almost died is away on convention in FL and I am taking care of her daughter. I need to prepare four meals and she is a big eater, so I have to get lots of food. I am prowling with my doctoral group on Saturday night and will take her to work before that. Sunday I will just unwind. It was a pretty fun week off of work, and I’m ready for the 8-week push until summer vacation!

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Try it again

I did not have to use those simulated ice tools again. They let me simply climb. They started me on a 5.9 and the start was brutal. By the time I was 10-feet up, I was shaking. I told the instructor that it was way past my ability level. I have climbed 7 times TOTAL before, so I’m not good with mini edge pieces like this one:

You slide your foot sideways on it and are barely flat on the wall. I felt really good when the instructor who has climbed all over the nation said that the start was gnarly, and also said that it was a 5.11+ climb after she couldn’t get up it all the way. Sport climbing is pretty difficult actually. I want to get back on rock. I ought to be able to do that mid-April because the climber is so nice. I needed my pinky though and because I had bowled 6 games on Thursday, and my middle finger was a little swollen and it got more swollen climbing. I need to take really good care of my hands and joints if I want to get better at climbing. The top broken pinky joint feels mostly healed, but the bottom joint still looks a little dislocated and is pretty swollen. I’ll have the OT at work look at it again next week. No more boxing or dodgeball.

I lifted on Friday and on Sunday. I want to take my dogs hiking Wednesday. I would like to get my total steps up to 300,000 by Friday. I never quite track 10,000 per day, but always get way more heart points than is recommended. I’m only up to 174,368 steps, so I need 31,000 or so everyday for the remainder of the week. It’s doable. I have a walking lunch with a friend of mine on Friday and tomorrow I am having lunch at a colleague’s parents’ house.

I am going to karaoke with my doctoral group on Saturday. I’m going to bring the nice guy from work if he remembers. I guess that you can have friends join. The cardiologist’s friend from snowshoeing saw his picture and asked me to bring him. It’s at least slightly a prowl for me. I really want to increase my pool.

My Boss turns 40 on Sunday and is having a bash. I asked the climber, but she was noncommittal. She wasn’t rude, but has been pretty adamant lately about wanting to climb soon, and hasn’t said yes to anything else; although she thanked me for calling and inviting her to the party. She’s climbing and ice climbing for a week. We’re good though. She didn’t go to work last Monday and texted back and forth with her initiation that day. After kissing in the car when we commuted home together a couple of weeks ago today, I knew that she and I were good.

It’s so nice to not be working right now. I got all my tax stuff submitted to the accountant and now am waiting for a giant bill. I made over 131K last year, so I will pay in badly. I’m going to clean some stuff around the house too. I’m getting things done that I don’t have the bandwidth to do when I go into the office everyday.

My ex-mother-in-law texted me. She has a memory of just us eating dinner in a restaurant in NM. I don’t think it ever happened. We had breakfast with her boyfriend only, but I didn’t go to dinner with just her. I didn’t argue and recommended The Shed. I hope that she and her boyfriend like it. Neither one of us made it a thing. It was a little unsettling. I would never want ill-will between us and legitimately miss her and my ex-wife’s two sisters.

I get 9-weeks of vacation this summer. I’m going to go to OR. I’ve never been. I’m going to stay in Portland two nights and then I’m actually driving–I never do that–a couple of hours to Crater Lake. I will still rent a bike so I can do the 33-mile rim ride, but will have a car. I usually use my feet or rented cycles on solo vacations. I’m going to call two companies tomorrow morning before I go to lunch. I want to have a bike with me for a couple of days when I’m physically at Crater Lake Lodge. I’m also going to boat on a booked trip to Wizard Island. I’m looking forward to spring and summer!

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Fill Line

Whew!

I have weight machines today, but first have to drink coffee and walk my dogs. I also need to pop over to the crunch and go chiropractor because my left hip is really janky and throwing me off.

I am over the social limit. I had fun at guitar, but two teachers were talking to me during instruction, so I’ve had to practice more at home because I didn’t learn the song as well as I usually do. Bowling was fun. I was super mid averaging 115. Then Thursday we had our neighbors over for dinner and wine until 9. Friday I went to my best friend’s house and had to meet two new women. I sang like crazy, and didn’t play much. My best friend is a professional musician, so I get really shy when it’s her and others around. I could play just for her! I did sing a lot and sounded good. Yesterday two previous colleagues and I got together for Korean BBQ and Cass. I don’t even like lagers, but it was so cool and crisp–yum! Then I had a two-hour pit stop at home and my son learned the bass line for “Jumper” and brought his tiny amp that my ex sister-in-law had bought him for Christmas upstairs. It’s really fun to play. I want to sing it a little differently, so I need to memorize it. Then we went to the cowboy bar with two different previous colleagues and my current colleague who almost died and our workmate. The latter two and I do the same job. I really need to learn to dance. I have no confidence anymore. I was wishing that Owen was there. He would be patient with me, and he smells good, and is tall and gentle. I hit a wall at 11:30 and insisted that my colleague didn’t Uber and took her home. I had two big beers at 2-hour dinner, so I didn’t drink at the cowboy bar. I had a dissociative state and slept until nearly 9. I am over the fill line for being social.

This week is just as social. I have weights today, cardio with my son tomorrow, guitar class, bowling and then bowling with much of our whole staff from my main site. I’m so glad that I have Friday off of work! The weekend is cold, so I’m going to solo hike with the dogs on Friday when my son leaves for school. My goal is to practice guitar everyday and hike on the days that it isn’t snowing starting the 27th. I climb on Saturday the 25th.

I’m going to ask the climber out tomorrow afternoon. I was wanting to go to the Japanese gardens and eat, but the restaurant has permanently closed. COVID has really changed our landscape in the city. I am going to see if she’ll go north and west of town to sushi and then we can walk the neighborhood to some parks. I know that she wants to climb again soon too, and only the middle joint of my pinky is still swollen. I would like to have dinner with her on April 6th.

She introduced me to a term that I didn’t know on our ride home solo last week. It’s a phrase called, “attachment system.” I certainly knew about Ainsworth’s work with the strange situation and parent-child attachment and possible impacts on adolescent development, but thinking about anything related to one’s schema of attachment in relationships later was new to me. I printed the article that I read, and will give her the copy tomorrow. I learned about consensual non-monogamy in it in addition to attachment systems that she explained a bit. I hope that she likes the article and talks to me about her insights. Maybe over dinner in a month or so!

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Pins, Young Ladies and Facing the Music

I have taken off my homemade splint. The top pinky joint was broken, and the second joint dislocated. It’s going to take some time. I am using a hand strengthening ball at work when I’m talking to clients. I bowled without it, and in my third and final game I got my new approach down and bowled 152. I’ll take it. My other games were bad though so my average was only 115. We have made a small spare dance and also a bowing with crossed arms for strikes. It’s a hoot.

I have a gay bf. His name is Owen. We love each other. We talked again last night. He makes mannequins and is tall, gentle and sweet. He moves to OH with his soon-to-be-husband soon. The ladies on the lane next to us were cute and I think in their 20s. We’ll play them soon. Super fun.

I’m snowshoeing with my lady doctorate peeps. I have to face the medical school director and the neuroscientist on Saturday. It’s all good. Calm and cool. Time to shower and bike to work!

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Little Updates

I think that the fracture was mostly at the top joint. There is a smaller one down the side. It’s healing though which is good. It’s almost a week. At 6:30 tonight, it will be just that–one week. I’m not going too nuts. I don’t love not being able to plank, but I’m not completely crazy.

It’s the third one that I have broken. When I graduated with my two Bachelor’s in 1997, my left ring finger was taped to my pinky on a tongue depressor. I caught a basketball pass incorrectly playing pickup three-on-three. It looks funny wherein I am shaking the President’s hand with my other hand injured in my cap and gown picture. Then in 2015 or 16 my dog ran one way while I was picking up my wife’s (ex now) dog’s poop and she snapped my right ring finger. Three fingers, so I know and don’t need to do the $60 co-pay. I’ll rehab it too. Our new Occupational Therapist at my main site is so cool, so I’ll ask her about it when I start doing hand strengthening.

I am not going to stay with this league. I paid for March and April for the old one. I had fun in the summer kickball and really these huge men are a bit strong for me to hang–especially in dodgeball. I also don’t like this team manager. She’s rude and kinda stuck up. I’m going back to what I knew. I played on a Meet Up kickball league about 10-years-ago and there was one guy who pitched as hard as he could. I blew my quad kicking it.

I have to expect that playing sports causes injuries. I just want to be a little more circumspect. I do want to keep playing rec sports though.

I have been walking and biking. It’s a little difficult to bike over bumps because of my pinky and pain, but I’m getting it done. I had fun at the Mardi Gras party that I went to last night, and am looking forward to seeing my teammates and my colleague tonight at the cowboy bar. I’m being social and as active as I can injured. I also have practiced guitar three times. I think that I’m doing as well as I can. I hope that my son can stop lying about vaping, and have told him–as I caught him again–that it was the last time that is happening in the house if he wants to live here. We’ll see. It’s nice again, so I’m going to add to my biking right now. Hopefully, I will meet a nice woman tonight. I’m super behind on that goal.

  1. Calm and cool – Absolutely
  2. Spend less – Moderate progress as the convention and being away from my house set me back
  3. Do you – yep, and helping others
  4. Lift like a girl – damn pinky; another setback
  5. Healthy alcohol consumption – check! Only three over the course of 4.5 hours with massive amounts of food at the Mardi Gras Party
  6. Get big – I am bigger, but have a small injury setback currently. Thursday – now: 30,058 steps & 13 miles cycling
  7. Love / Connect / Lead with Heart – Check
  8. Sing – Check
  9. Play guitar – Moderate progress
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Quickie

Nope.

I had a ton of fun at dodgeball. I did get hit in the butt, and it stung! Then, I got hit the face, which was really sucky. Then I saw my fifth penis. Yikes. I went outside and changed into a long sleeved shirt in my car and realized that I’d left my water bottle on the court. It’s so, so cold, so that much in and out of cars and buildings made me have to pee, and I went to do that and the ref was peeing. Embarrassing. Terrifying.

I went to the cowboy bear bar and talked with a woman on the opposing team. It was so cool because I worked at her school in 2009! She’s like a success story. She got out of a terrible neighborhood, was never parented and really raised her brother. We had a great talk, and her teammates were very cool. I don’t have many gay guy friends because sometimes they act strangely effeminate which strikes me as disingenuous or they get loaded and feel you up. Then they say that they just like breasts and aren’t into you. I don’t like that. No problem on Sunday night though and I had fun. Our team manager actively flirts with me. She is a good hugger. She is really overweight and a child though, so definitely not a love interest.

I told my other colleague who does a similar job to me that I keep getting hit on by men when I ate lunch with her yesterday. That was much of the night when we had to move venues Saturday for our prowl. She told me that I should basically switch hit. I said that I have only ever seen 5 penises and love men, and it’s not a sexual thing for me. I don’t think that she understands, which is fine.

I think that the climber has missed over three-days of work. She really hasn’t worked a ton in January. She must be hot and heavy with a new partner. I know that she doesn’t sleep much. Again, I wouldn’t have gone out of my way to interact with her yesterday anyway, but it’s odd how she was gone an extra day for her birthday weekend, we didn’t work mid-week that week anyway, and then missed Thursday, Friday and Monday. If she’s now sick, that is really sick. When I was in my twenties, I used to get sick and missed work. I’ve rarely missed any work at all in the last 8-years. My immune system is really good too. I attribute much of that to this:

I also take a multivitamin and 4300 grams daily of high grade fish oil. I think those are my sweet spot. Did you know that fungus covers our earth? Taking an immune enhancing mushroom blend is honestly helpful. Watch this TED talk if you’re incredulous:

Blew my mind.

I don’t miss work, because I don’t get sick. I’ve never had COVID although I’ve had super direct exposure. I like good food, sleep and exercise too, which likely helps. I’m getting so excited to meet women next week and be away from work. I’m going to cook on Sunday afternoon and bring food to work on Monday to thank staff for actively screening kids for mental health problems that we can address. It will be a nice way to kick off my week next week, and then it’s four-days of convention! Woo-hoo.

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Saturday

I took a class on the artificial wall again, and we used ice tools. Imagine a slanted hammer with a handle, and also some edges half up it and a movable leather loop. There isn’t a loyalty free simulated ice tool available so I drew it for you here and you must imagine trying to find ledge pieces on an artificial wall from which you attach the leather instead of using your hands. That meant that when I slung it onto a ledge piece on the wall and then stepped up and threw it to another piece I fell. Not gracefully. Boom. Hit my back, flail off and away. Simulated ice tools. Real fun.

I have drawn the simulated ice tool for you to view using the Paint App–you’re welcome

I had a ton of fun though. The instructor was the same main guy from the class that I took late summer and told the climber about. That means that since I’ve healed from my injuries, I have now had the same instructor for the same class and then this class with simulated ice tools from one of the instructors from the first outdoor class ever. When I retake his day and a half class this spring, I shall have come full circle. I should do well, and still want to try to climb weekly if possible. I like it and will likely get better. Just don’t know about simulated ice tools at this stage for me.

There were eventually three other students. I spent about an hour and half climbing and stayed there for 2.5 hours. The instructor is also a dancer and has mutual friends within the dance community with the climber. Small scene: dancing climbers. I told the instructor that she was my colleague and she is. I’ve just had three make-outs with this particular colleague.

I also redid my highlights and they’re legitimately red now and did two haircuts. Yes, two. Getting the undercut the way that I wanted it was a tall order. I’ll include a loyalty-free picture here for you of an undercut.

I have salt and pepper hair though

My new-to-me-salon-cosmetologist doesn’t have a barber’s license, so I had to go elsewhere to get my mountains. I have mountains in my undercut because I went to a Barber Shop and two guys worked on my mountains in the back of my hair in my undercut. The back of my hair is mostly dark brown while the front is pretty gray these days. I’ve actually been noticeably gray since 26, and my ex-wife “encouraged” me to go gray during COVID. The word is loose as it was more like, “I can’t believe that every three weeks you put plastic into the environment and rinse all that toxic shit down the drain. You have to dye it outside, because it’s giving me hives. Gray hair is sexy. You’re so rigid.” It’s highlighted now anyway and has been for two-months, and with the undercut, I think that I look badass.

I am fair to midland. I am super excited for dodgeball league that starts tomorrow night. Hopefully, it will be super social and improve my mood. Talking on the artificial wall today and to three different hair professionals was also fun.

On Thursday, I went to the bar and sat down at the bar. A girl asked to sit with me. She was cool and kind so I bought her GIGANTIC shot of Patron. I thought that she was Gen Z and she thought that was hilarious. I think that there are child millennials and just on the edge of Gen X millennials. She was on the child side. She wanted to buy me a drink and I declined. Anyone who reminds me of my son cannot buy me a drink. I owned “Hit me with Your Best Shot,” and then took myself out to sushi. It was fun.

I brought home takeout after my haircut and another errand. I am playing fortune cookie love life. Here is my closing:

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Snowed in

I hope that my group therapy isn’t cancelled tonight. It may be. All government and city entities are closed today. When I got up this morning, I thought it was overblown, but now it’s steadily snowing again. It’s actually beautiful. I’ll shovel some of it shortly.

I want to get a few groceries and pick up my son’s meds. I’m getting his SSRI stockpiled so he can I can taper it when he’s more stable. I’ll go get his stimulant out of the nurse’s office at school so he can take one when he takes the GED practice test and one more when he takes the real thing. Then he’ll have to get another job. I am still upset that he blew one of them, as he could have had two nights and a weekend day going for his coaching, but at least his boss let him keep one gig. The season changes in April, so maybe he can coach three teams, and do some other piece work.

I have still been playing and singing, and doing some with him. He is really good at strumming. I’ve not practiced classical which I took in high school, so hitting alternating notes is pretty difficult for me and I want to sing and chord, but strumming patterns are difficult. He drummed while I played and sang last night and I want to make sure that when he’s not doing a closing shift that we keep doing that when it’s night. So fun for us and he’s a really good drummer. He had toyed with getting a 5-year music degree for awhile and did a university visit. I don’t know what he’ll wind up doing and it could take him some time. I don’t want to chime in anymore. I’m actually relieved that he is dropping out because when your kid doesn’t go to class, it’s incredibly burdensome. Seems pointless.

The climber texted me a couple times yesterday. It will be nice to see her on Friday. I still won’t ask her out though. That’s her ball and not mine.

I’ll text the photographer Happy Birthday tomorrow. I’d be shocked if in the next two months that she texted me to plan a bike ride. I won’t ever touch her again though.

I kiss my best friend every time I see her. I kiss her goodbye too. Most of my other friends are not ones that I hug because they give out that don’t hug me vibe. One thing that I actually loathe is the shitty hug. Do you know what a shitty hug is? You get kinda close and turn your head and then put your arms around the shoulders of the person that you’re “hugging” and pat. I think that I’d rather scrape a plate over and over with a metal fork. Why even try?

This explanation brings me to my friend and my new rules for the Prowl. We’re not sitting with each other anymore, but will rather reconvene. We’ll work the room and talk to women and then touch bases at the bar and not on the couch. I’m going to scan too and talk to women and then settle. For our first two Prowls we sat with each other. We need to rove and talk about it. I sat alone Sunday night at a different bar, and then got hit on by men. Not sure why because I had on a beanie with a rainbow flower stitched on it. When that article of clothing also got complimented by a man who just kept staring at me from his table full of friends, I just took it off completely. Men are certainly emboldened when they are having some drinks.

I’m going to lift weights at home today. I’m going to do bench, some strategic bicep work, and forearms.

I really need to recycle mail too. Ugh. I’m missing a therapy manual too, and don’t have any clue where it is. I paid to have it printed because it’s somewhat scripted and it was better to have it in a binder to use. It cost me a ton to print, and I need to find it. I think that I may have brought it to the class that I taught in February, so I wouldn’t have left it at the University, as I’m good about getting everything into cloth book bags when I tear down the room. It’s definitely not in the building that is my main site because I worked on the file cabinet there yesterday waiting for a contentious meeting. I had my colleagues go through stuff in my other building because we’re all doubled-up now and they didn’t find it, but I want to take a peek too. Can I just tell you how glad that I’ll be when I have my own office again?

I’m starving. I try to wait to eat 12-hours after I ate. My son and I watched two episodes of “Supernatural” after we jammed, and I was eating swiss cheese. Hahahaha. So funny. I’d made a homemade pot pie for dinner, but he and I had some wine that our neighbors made so I was hungry. I have to hold out about half an hour more before I make some pumpkin pancakes so it’s 12-hours apart.

The last thread in my mind is that I’m mad again. I actually almost called my ex-wife this weekend and then mentally talked myself off that ledge. It’s weird to spend 9-years with someone (and married for 8), and then they’re poof. It wouldn’t do any good though. I remember one time that she moved out and sent me the video link to “Mirror” by Justin Timberlake and said that I was the love of her life and we have to try. So, we tried, and tried, and tried, and tried. Chapter is closed, but I wanted to talk to her this weekend. She’s moved out permanently this time and lives two states away. It would be great if she was more stable now that she lives with her Mom. That’s the energy I’ll send.

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Cheer Up

I can climb! Honestly, I really can now. I did mention in an entry over vacation that I got up a route, and last night I’d paid for a 2.5-hour class that I had taken in 2015 or 2016 and retook in August. I gifted two slots also for Christmas to my son’s godparents and we did the class together. I’m also waaaay faster than I had been. I used the same method: watch someone go up to a place where I got stuck and then I could do the whole route. I also encouraged my son’s godparents and another woman who took the class. I can belay the shit out of someone on an ATC, but that gris gris thing freaks me out. I do need to practice tying the knot because at the end, I lose where I’m tracing. Maybe tonight I can go to Army Surplus and cut four-feet of rope. Then I’ll run a video off of “Outside Plus” to follow with the last leg of the trace. I think that I’ll take another intro class at some gym around here so that I can learn that gris gris which is what’s used inside. An ATC gives you a repelling option and I find it intuitive, but I’ve only used the gris gris personally one time. However, I can climb and want to learn more and more. I kinda pressured them to join a gym so we can go in threes. That was so fun over vacation with my old work husband and his real wife. There isn’t any reason for me to join a gym, because I don’t have a partner to belay. I look forward to later spring and being outside again, and as soon as the guide comes out from our Rec Center, I’ll get signed up for the class again. I had an injury in May and was not in shape for the class really. The teacher at the indoor class last night said that he was shocked to see a familiar face. I told him that because I was healing from a torn hamstring and bruised meniscus, I needed to retake it. I got to the top of two routes and climbed five times total, and the knot is easier. Yay.

I have been semi-hideous. There is still so much ice in the bike lanes. I’ve not cycled to work for two-weeks. When you cycle a minimum of 16-miles every week and your last ride was on December 28th, it’s a shift for sure. My mood is hideous as I mentioned. However, climbing over an hour last night was super helpful. I have a community walk tomorrow morning for just me and the dogs because my son has work crew. Then on Sunday I’m going to ride to the Rec Center to get there by nine and do machines for upper body and come home. It’s going to snow again, and I need to avoid being hideous all winter. I have no idea how people survive in Chicago. I’d lose my fucking mind.

I asked the climber out to dinner. She’s busy all weekend with her household. Sucks. I’ll send her a birthday text on Monday and will see her next Friday. More calm and cool for me. I don’t chase and it will work out to hang when she initiates something. One relay of hearing three-days worth of plans is enough for me. I know though that we’ll do something at some point, but it can’t be a dance because I can’t dance, and she doesn’t have an indoor climbing gym membership nor do I. I’ll check on Sunday if the outdoor wall at the Rec Center has open climb times, and if I’m proficient with that damn figure 8 knot by Sunday, maybe that will work out sometime, but again, I am not asking her out again and will wait for her to ask me out.

I am over the legal hump with selling the house. I’m meeting up with the photographer in early April to do a walk through. I may have to put money into the house to sell it. I’m going to ask her opinion because she’s also a realtor. She said in text that she is still up for hanging out if I am, and I said that when it’s warm we should do a bike ride. She sent a wink and said that 50 degrees and above works for her. I’d NEVER text winks or hearts to her ever again, and so I said to ping me when it’s warm enough for a ride and she thanked me for reaching out. I’m NOT hugging her when I see her. I’m not a mixed-message person and she wants to be friends, and that’s what we are, but we’re not close friends because I’ve literally seen her twice. Twice is not for hugging. I will take her up a peak too. I need to get up a few of them in the summer and fall. I miss it. My son’s godmother and I can do those together. She is a good climber and is also a marathoner, so it’s feasible. I’ve known her 34-years.

I start a rec dodgeball league in just over a week. It would be amazing if there are some fit 40ish women on my team or other teams. The Conference is less than a month away and I’m networking like a mad woman there. I also am going to haunt the bars and do anything LGBTQ that the professional association hosts. I have to talk to my son’s Dad about limiting his alcohol intake all week so I can have a piece of mind for those four-days. My son has watched his Dad pass out too many times, and he’s troubled enough as it is without having to watch that. I’m going to have to talk to him in private and that is going to be awkward as fuck, but it has to be done before early February.

I am cheered up. Work has been trying, but I am in a good space. The climbing really helped me out. The walk and then the bike and gym day will too. I should mention also that I’m still practicing my guitar. I feel on track and dumped my hideous mood.

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Push it

Not Salt and Peppa. I’m trying to force myself to go to a new bar in two-hours. My son and I did our community walk this morning, and then I did some deep cleaning of some items. I ate some food and biked nearly five-miles. I did a group ride of 8-miles and biked about 5-home, so I feel good about exercise today.

Tomorrow I’m doing a new abs routine. I want to do that and arms once a week. I don’t need a legs day. One time my Dad said, “Your legs look like a guy’s.” I’m glad.

The CEO had scary piano legs. Probably not much that you can do about that because it’s genetic.

My left leg was crushed in 1988 so the shin is really crooked, but I’m still fit. I just have a small left leg. When I was doing telesurveys in 1997 the creepy, tiny, overly developed ex-boxer told his partner, “Her legs don’t match.” Well, no shit, you little shit! My right leg is actually phenomenal. My ex wife called me “long thighs.” I have a knee muscle and four muscles on my calf. Again, don’t need a legs routine.

The arms are really coming back and I’m happy about that. Stomach. Sad. When my leg was crushed, and my pelvis in three pieces, the triage team was concerned that I had internal bleeding so they cut through my abdominal wall quickly in the vertical which left a large pink scar that I can’t tattoo over like I’ve done with my compound fracture scar on my tiny left leg. Makes for difficulty sculpting my stomach, but I’m motivated. What does Kevin Spacey say when his family male neighbor asks about his fitness goals? Oh, yes, “I want to look good naked.”

Back to the bar and pushing myself out. My friend had COVID all week, so she can’t do anything for three more days and then has to mask for 6 more days. We’ll prowl on December 29th. Yay. Monthly prowls.

However, I should go sing at the new bar, right? Maybe I’ll get an Uber. I’m writing and drinking. I was excited that they had karaoke by my house, and I called to confirm and he told me that the KJ now does it at a different bar. I need to go right? I had a couple of short conversations on the ride, so I don’t know if I will. I know that I should, but it’s not likely.

I might just cook four portions of food and hang. My brother would be 39 tomorrow. So, so sad. I would happily split the proceeds of the house less the realtor 10%, the 75K to the ex-wife and such. I wish that I had family close. My aunt took care of my parents’ house until my Mom died and then she moved 3-weeks later. I miss her too. Glad that I have my cousin half-an-hour away. It doesn’t matter if we don’t see each other for months, as we can just talk and talk, and talk.

Yikes. One beer and I’m really, really slowed down. I’m kid-free, but probably not going out tonight. The new bar can wait. If my friend didn’t have COVID, I would prowl though. I only need one short adult conversation everyday anyway, and I talked to three people for probably 20-minutes total during the ride. I biked 2/3 of the way home with this nice guy too. I hope to see him again. I love bro time. That’s all I need. A little adult convo, some bro time, and I’m usually ok. I just wonder if I should solo prowl and push myself. I just did the online Magic 8 Ball. “Should I force myself to go out?” “Don’t count on it.” Done. Not pushing it.

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Time to unwind

Work was just slightly weird today.  I had too many meetings, I think.  I was exhausted by the time that I left and then I had to come home, switch over laundry, help my dog stretch her legs, pack up tons of food and head to my parents house.

While I was cooking, I needed oil and vinegar.   That was it.  You’d have thought that I was ruining their lives.  My mother also stared at me while I cooked, and was wiping the counters around me.  That combined with the fact that my Dad was upset that I didn’t bring over take out put me over the edge.  That’s the way that I grew up.  They were always in my ass and it never ceased and nothing that I could do was right and they had to monitor and “show” me what I was doing wrong.  I’m going to have to figure out something else to do with my son on November 11th.  He can’t be around that, and frankly, if I hadn’t had a beer while I cooked and my Dad was saying that he couldn’t play with my son because too much was going on–meaning my dog smelled him a couple of times and he had to get the olive oil for me–I couldn’t have either.

It was a difficult 45-minutes of cooking, but the food was good.  My Dad commenced to eat nearly all the food as soon as I put it all out.  We had sockeye salmon with tarragon and balsamic vinegar, a nice salad, the best brussels sprouts in the world, and saffron basmati.  I asked him if he’d eaten today and he said he had oatmeal and four prunes.  When you’re Bipolar and your blood sugar drops, you are a real treat.  It’s amazing at 73 that he doesn’t manage his calories better.

I hugged my son and I left.  Poor guy.  I’m glad that tomorrow is his last day off from school.

I ran about 2.25-miles on the treadmill and felt soooo much better.  Then I walked my dog around the lake at night to do an outdoor night warm down.  I dropped off some materials at a colleague’s house and talked to my best friend from graduate school.  Her cancer may be back, and her best friend there has stage 4 colon cancer.  Now, those are real problems.  Mine with parents is just sad.  They feel better when they can tell me what I do wrong.  I’m just fine.

I do miss my girlfriend.  She has been out of contact due to family stress, and she has her little boys this evening.  It’s ok, but I really, really hope that I get to see her again.  I miss having her arms around me and looking into those perfect hazel eyes.  I’m turning in.  I hope that she contacts me tomorrow.  I want to connect with her and don’t know how she is doing really.

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Communication and “Stuff”

I know that inadequate or misinterpreted communication has been the kiss of death with me and the ending of all my relationships.  However, I didn’t realize until yesterday that my ex has kinda fucked up the way that I see people and what I will tolerate from anyone as well.  There are things to reflect on and try to alter slowly.

My friend connected me and my artist, if I’m being honest.  It would have been circuitous and next to impossible to talk with her had I waited on one of my best friends to connect us, and as I have written earlier, I would have never had the guts to approach her anyway.  I have noticed this past weekend, however, that she like most drop-dead beautiful women who has her own stuff relative to the way that she sees herself.  I’m sure much of that comes from what Ani says, “And everyone harbors a secret hatred for the prettiest girl in the room.”  I digress.

To be concise, my friend, who connected us, slowly cancelled plans over the course of Saturday.

My birthday was somewhat challenging, and the experience relates to my Saturday this weekend.  I was juggling a book, leftover soup, and my wallet.  I had left my cell in my car.  While trying to hug my parents and our friends, I asked my son to  hold my wallet, and he did, but when we got home, it was gone.  I called the restaurant.  I went to the parking lot, and then I called my friend who’s been in my life for 12-years and we searched my car with flashlights.  She was cool and nice and said, “I’ll withdraw cash, we will buy you a new wallet for your bday, and we will get together Saturday night and make sauce and have girl time.”  She is a big promiser.  It’s just her thing.

With her too, you can’t always be sure much will actually come to fruition, because her life always has roadblocks and things that she deals with constantly.  For example, I was SHOCKED when she and I did a long summit which was over 15-miles this past July.  She has been “climbing” with me for years, but it did actually happen, and we completed a summit this past summer.  That’s good.  Dinner did not happen on Saturday, and that’s not shocking.  I got a text from her early in the morning saying sorry that she didn’t check in on Friday and that she probably had to cancel cooking because she had a friend coming.  I said, “Let’s all get together,” and then when my artist asked what I was doing on Saturday, we both felt like we didn’t want to be apart after I left to watch my son’s game.

In summary, I was hanging out with my artist and her youngest son on Saturday morning and it was obvious that she was thinking that she should join, and I wanted it too.  So, I texted my old friend and she said, “Of course.”  All day she got more lukewarm on our plans in general.  Then late in the afternoon that became a complete cancellation due to a “bad mood.”  I honestly think although she denies it, there is some jealousy here, which I confronted head-on.  She has a child boy toy who is 17-years her junior who now has a gf and has dropped off the face of the earth, and I am currently dating her friend of nearly 25-years.

We couldn’t have a rational conversation about the way the cancellation went down and it was all weird.  She cussed and used exclamation points via text.  TRIGGER.  I realized our conversation was completely unproductive so I asked her to table it, and she went into MY ISSUES.  I have some for sure, but the whole thing was odd and was based on the time that I had to cancel hers and my plans when I didn’t have a penny to my name for ingredients for us to cook with, or for screen patches that we were going to use to do a home repair.  One time that I cancelled.  I’m not getting into that.  Space is better.

I can’t text fight.  I can’t read cussing, which is directed at me, and exclamation points.  I feel badly being brushed aside and really was upset that these plans being cancelled effected my son, and my artist’s youngest kids.  These feelings all result from dealings with my ex during 2012.  I have really high standards now with respect to how I will be treated and what I’ll tolerate.  I’m not going to her house again and I am not getting in touch with her.  It was toxic.  (If she wants to hang out again, we can do stuff at my house.  She never comes over here and was furious that I dropped off DVDs and told her that I’m not her boy toy.  I actually said, “I’m not ____ .”  I still know that there is something more than wanting to be alone here, but she doesn’t want to talk about it, so I’ll just take space from her.)

I wound up bringing food to my artist’s place that I bought thinking that we were going to BBQ at our mutual friends’ house.  I bought stuff that was kinda difficult to cook indoors, but we made it work.  After dinner, which was fun and some games with our boys, we did the dishes and talked.  She grabbed me from behind at my waist and her fingertips were in my spine and she said, “Now, that is a nice spot.”  I haven’t been touched by anyone the way that she touches me.

I have a pretty assertive presentation, so unless you are physical with me, you don’t note that my dynamic is also one of “green light” waiting for signs or first moves.  That is just me.  I certainly would not have made out with her in her dining room while we were setting the table, or would I have felt the muscles in her low back.  When you run, those get really tight and defined.  I certainly noticed them on my ex, and it felt great to have her notice mine on me given that I have worked really hard since March of 2012 to get into good shape and stay healthy.  After I stopped pressing her against her sink and burying my head in her hair, we played a game.  We laughed hard.

Before I left, I told her that I know that when I was writing here and in my journal as well that it was like a soul reach.  I know it is her with whom I’d like to explore a relationship.  I told her that I waited for her.  After the night waned and morning came, these assertions resulted in her feeling scared.  She told me, which is good.  But what I don’t get is why it scared her.  She started these things with emailing me back after the wedding and said, “Not to scare you, but I have only seen that expression in one photograph of me and it was when I was with my ex and I was in love, but trying to hide my affections.”  OK.  Then she wrote the most genuinely loving message on my FB wall on Thursday for my bday with the words “love and kisses” in it.  OK.  She told all of her boys, her sister who is local, and her Dad that we are dating.  OK.  So, I told her where I am, and it scared her.

What was my result?  I figured that she does “push and pull,” and that we don’t work.  So, after church, I rode 20-miles on my road bike.  That helped.  Then doing laundry and cooking dinner for my workout partner helped even more.  I just need to have this tough conversation.  It will have to be this weekend if we do take my son away, or at a later date, but this stuff is ripe and should not be buried because I do know that letting it lie can lead to resentment.  I don’t know how to have these conversations.  I still struggle with whether or not I deserve to stay in relationship.  My ex has fucked me up and I let her.

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Weeding out

I sure am good at that!  I guess since I got so overextended for a couple of days, I had a small delusion that when this girl could get all her shit figured out and learn to parent on her own for some time that maybe we could date.  We exchanged some emails yesterday and I realized that we are on different planes of existence right now.  Plus, her kids are much like the kids who I work with, and not to sound like my most recent ex, but it wouldn’t be fair for me to expose my son to stuff like that.  She also told me a drunken story that happened this summer, and because of my old partner who moved, that is another thing that I would never expose my son and not myself to either.  I love microbrews because they taste great, and being a cook, I have a discerning palate so have beer preferences.  (I CANNOT drink the dog shit beers that my cousin does, for example.)  But, getting plowed is not something that I ever did much–unless, I was in a dark space.  So, again, no thanks.

So, no more flirting.  That is good anyway, because I’m not much of a cheater, which is kinda weird considering that I was married to a man for 9-years, but it usually just translated into my feeling an attraction toward a woman, and then avoiding her as if there was something bad that happened.  Well, there was.  I was plagued with my internalized homophobia being around her.  It’s not that I feel like I am above anything, because obviously I am not, which is evidenced by my letting inane flirtation just go and then wind up talking about sexual practices and other things, but I don’t want to invite in interactions that are 1) pointless, and 2) delays authentic interactions.  I don’t want complicated or someone who complicates things because of a variety of circumstances in her life.

I defend (initially) on Wednesday.  Therefore, I write all day today and have to make the observation rubric for my research as well.  I have feedback on it from my chair, but my other committee member must just be ready to give me my feedback during the defense.  That’s kinda scary, and I will only have four-days to make the revisions.  It’s just going to be a very busy week for me.  My poor son is not going to get much interaction from me this month, but then it will calm down.  Ultimately, given the shitty state of our economy, I will be lucky to have this particular degree completed so I can do side work that is pretty lucrative.  I’m waiting on a high-paying tutoring client as well to call me this weekend, so I will have weekly work for grocery money and such.

I have a new love.  My workout partner has been boxing in August.  She took me to a boxing class.  We did really fast-paced cardio stuff for some time and then different patterns that switched up all the time with punches and dodges.  It was amazing.  I have a membership to our regional and local centers, so I just googled which center has a boxing class.  I talked to the gentleman manning the desk and he found a class that works with my schedule twice a month!  So, Monday I go, and still have 40-minutes to get to work.  And it’s a ladies class 😉  I’m still holding out.  I’m picky, looking for both connection and passion, but given what I went through with my most recent ex, I also crave stable.  She’s out there.

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Plague of insomnia

I have been with a headache for days and I think that it’s attributable to the fires.  I hate summer fires.  I took one of the evil meds, which seemed to work for sometime, but then got me all fatigued and tired, so I went to bed early.  I should be writing a report, and I may do that after I blog.  I just can’t sleep though.

Scrubs is something else.  I ran next to her–I was supposed to show her some weight forms at her athletic club–and we talked.  So, she has this ex who she really wants to settle down and make a life with, and I’ve seen pictures of her and she’s hot.  Also, superficially they seem to make sense.  She still does stuff with her, but has been put in the “undefined” queue a few months ago.  (I promise myself to tell a girl to fuck off if she ever says that bullshit to me again.)  It’s obvious how much she likes her though, but she has been going out on all kinds of dates with all kinds of people, and recently had a nice one with a man.  I told her, and I mean this, “If you can do that, it’s infinitely simpler, more conventional, and easier on the whole for others to ‘take.'”

When we went upstairs to the free weights, I did show her the forms, but she was interrupting me and talking and commenting.  Maybe it’s because she had to watch because it’s not good to do cardio on days that you lift, so I was simply illustrating the forms, but she was getting on my nerves.  I told her that she was a pain-in-the-ass.  She had talked to this girl before we started.  I’ve seen this girl out over the past few years.  After I ran through what this day of weights looked like, she talked to her at length again. When we got to the car later, she told me that she and that girl had a fling last summer.  I quickly did the math.  WTF?!?  I asked, “How does that work out?  I met your other fling on my bday trip in early fall…”  Then I realized that in addition to now-undefined girl, and trip girl, she was also doing gym girl.  AMAZING.  She can keep track of a lot, and seems to be a very good juggler.

Then I noticed her thin upper lip.  How she is wrinkling around her eyes very heavily, and that her teeth are pretty big and fairly crooked.  I guess I know what I’m doing with Scrubs…  I’m making a new friend who I can hang out with when I don’t have much to do.  She is TROUBLE.  When you see trouble, your brain makes her less attractive.  Thank you self-protection.

Then there are the entourage of the heavy drinking and sometimes fighting girls.  I’ll see one of them at the end of next week for stuff in my house.  That’s about all I want to do with them.  I don’t want a friendship with any of them, and when you are fighting with your partner and that gets pinned on me, and I didn’t KNOW you two weeks ago, I think, “It’s time for twelve steps.”

Everyone is doing the very best with what they’ve got.  It amazes me that what many do have is a path to destroy themselves and create pain.  I think that years ago, I would have tried to support these people in their internal struggles.  But, that’s the thing… Their choices are theirs, and they get what they need from making them.  However, I don’t have to get entangled in their choices with them by sleeping with any of them.  I think the clinical term is joining.  I don’t need to do that.  I’m holding out for true connection, excellent conversation, and health.

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“Battle Scars”

Such an incredible video. I love these lyrics too.

Today, it is way less about ending a bad relationship for me. This post is more derivative of the cuts, bruises, swelling, and lacerations that are all over my body after my crazy race challenge yesterday. Here is to being able to walk around Pride!

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Delusions of the Exes

I think that I casually mentioned that Shane had written the same day or day after I had to sit in a presentation with my coming-out affair.  It’s so odd to have a coming out affair when you were 33, but my hs and college gfs were covert.  Anyway, the delusional one is not my coming-out affair. I gave her a simple hug and had a professional conversation.

Shane is super delusional though.  She wrote a disjointed letter that my son barely listened to and sent a complicated star device and a toy plane.  My son is 7.  He cannot interpret the stars and the wheels would take my perceptually-challenged self hours to interpret, so it’s just buried somewhere.  He has not played with transportation devices in three-years.  She is like one of those unfortunate distant relatives who we all have who still think that we are suspended in toddlerhood or something.  The saddest part of that is that she thinks that they have this relationship.  If she wants one, she would have to call him once a month, as he changes quickly.  Sad, really.  I do wish her the best, and wrote her a thank you email that day.

So, unfortunately, when you have kids and you spend over a year with someone, you and your kids interact.  Hell, Bette and I even did blended weekends for awhile, but I promptly stopped those early in 2012.  I still miss her son.  He is a gem.  She’s super lucky that he won’t remember me at all.  My son has been asking to talk to her for a couple of months, but like most seven-year-olds, he loses interest and lacks follow-through.  Well, not last night.  He was adamant about talking to her.  Of course he did have to leave her a message.  She left him a voice recording the following morning, which was today.  I played it for him and he asked to call her back.  He took my landline in my bedroom, his dog, and left.  I unloaded the dishwasher.  He came out shortly later.  Then I got two texts.  One was thanking me.  The other was apologizing if I took offense at one of her comments.  I said, “I have no idea what you’re referring to.  He sequestered himself in a bedroom with the dog.”

She talked about him at length.  I responded.  She honestly is a pretty good mother.  I think she’s harsh as all get out and I don’t want to be her friend, but she is honestly one of those people who has a soft spot in her heart for kids.  She asked to take him for a burger this weekend, but I explained that he has rehearsals Friday and Saturday, but that she could see him anytime that she wanted to.  I sent her two recent photos of him, and one had my intern in it.  She thought it was my gf, and I said that she is a 29-year-old str8 intern, but that I had a good gay story, so I left it on a voice recording.  I’ll reproduce it in brief here, because it’s funny.

I’ve been cross training since November with my workout partner.  She knows my son well though, because she is working with him as she is a Speech Pathologist.  My son reads too well to qualify for speech, but he has a lateral lisp.  This information is bg, and not the story.

Here is the story, and why I was with this particular girl, who I’ve been cross-training with this school year.  We were walking our dog after lifting weights and eating dinner.  She was talking to my son about his gf.  My son is super tall and actually very good looking.  A 5th grade girl called this house this year and left a VM and completely freaked me out, but again that is just more context.  Anyway, he likes this girl in his class who happens to be Black.  My workout partner said, “Do you like Black Girls?”  He answered, “Oh, yes.”  She said, “I like Black guys.”  My son said, “We are the same.  But, we are straight.”  There was a long pause and my son said, “You’re the gay one, Mom.”

It was funny.  My son is a bit of a nut.  That was a good exchange, was not overly personal, but was not an invitation into my personal life, but was about my son.  So, I thought that would be good, but she texted again a very stupid joke.  I let it go with no response, so 5-hours later she left me a long voice recording with race tips, and offers to send photos about her race.

Jeez.  I finished my 5-mile, and had fun.  I can finish my crazy half.  I don’t need advice.  Having a friendship with someone who doles out advice and tips is not a friendship.  Honestly, it reminds me of a stereotypical man who must be the best (Most of her tips were based on the race and her training that she had just completed, and how they could help me.) and be the one to help and fix.  Ani says it best, “I’m not a kitten stuck up in a tree, and I don’t need to be rescued.”  Also, when will she get that I didn’t ask?  I don’t need her for a friend or anything else.  I don’t appreciate unsolicited advice either.  If she wants to see my son, she’s more than welcome to take him snowboarding or out to eat or whatever.  I don’t need her.  She has strange ideas about relationships with exes in general.

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Mission Accomplished… Mostly

OK, I didn’t swing my legs over the cargo net because the wind came up too high, and I didn’t do the horizontal one suspended 20-feet in the air, or the leapfrog scaffoldings that were angled, but I will do those in two weeks. Promise. I did everything else and ran 5-miles and all the A-frame fences with just a rope which were super high, and one culminated in a platform 18-feet in the air that you had to run off of to then jump into a 15-foot mud pool. These combined with trail running up switchbacks full of loose dirt were crazy. I’ll be ready for more in two weeks, and have a strong sense of accomplishment right now.

I ate carbonara like a refugee, and I also grilled some NY strip for it medium rare and piled a huge amount of salad on my plate. One of my best friends who I have known for 12-years cooked for me tonight and I got to hang out with a very handy friend of hers and both of her daughters. It is amazing that her daughter is a senior next year and I remember her at 5. She is a wonderful young woman. I love her youngest too–she is just eight-months older than my son.

My son did the quarter mile twice and got very dirty in his new Keens and he stayed to watch me. That was so nice of my ex-husband to do that. I’m proud of him, and I am very glad that he got to watch me jump from the platform into the water. I lost my handkerchief on that one and I looked cute in it, so I’ll have to go back to the Army Surplus tomorrow.

I’m comfy. Lonely girl texted to see if I was around this weekend, and I just called her back. She wants me to call her tomorrow. I’m not sure about her in general. What I’m sure about is that I did a lot of “firsts” today, as did my son. I have wonderful friends. My life is full and happy.

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Game Day

So, it’s nearly here.  My five-mile.  Given that I had done my B weights late at night last night, I was sleeping soundly when I got a wrong number at 12:30.  Arg!  Maybe it was divine intervention, but it still made me mad as I was sleeping so well.  I’m groggy right now, and pounding coffee having dropped off my son at school.

Gonna run our dog a little.  She is very hard to run because she is a boxer mix and does a lot of weird furtive movements.  Right now because I’m in a tank and running shorts, she jumps sideways and wags her whole booty when I get up to get coffee and the like.  I was told that she is also German Shepherd–she is very beautiful–but whatever her other half is, makes her FAST.  It is hard to run her.  She outruns all the dogs even at a packed dog park.

It’s cold.  I like it.  I didn’t like biking to the reservoir with my new cycling partner yesterday given the headwinds.  The 21-miles was agony.  Like always though, I’m glad that I do that stuff.  This weather is great for running.  I hope that I feel that way after my 5-mile Saturday!  I was dreaming about my cycling partner when I got the two wrong number calls after midnight.  That doesn’t matter much because she is a str8 girl, and I love her bf.  I just think that I’m ready to sleep with someone, but I won’t do it because I don’t want more of the same.  Sex complicates everything and I want to enter into dating mindfully the next time through and don’t care when the next time through is.  I kinda want to see my psychologist.  I should see if she has had any cancellations today.

I got the most disingenuous text from lonely girl on Wednesday.  I wanted her to bring her daughter to an activity that is unique at my current clinical site.  I’ll be taking girls back there who are clients next week, so I wanted a dry run of the equipment.  The artist is really fun to hang out with as well.  It was cool because the kids got to make art, but it turned out only to be my son.  No biggie.  He loved it.

Lonely girl wanted to reschedule for Thursday, as she didn’t have her daughter much this week.  When I said that joint custody must be lonely–given that I miss my son by Saturday night on my non-weekends–as I’m used to full custody, she promptly followed-up with why that is not true and how her life has perfect balance.  I found it so lacking in normal vulnerability.  When I told my cycling partner about it yesterday, she said, “Maybe she just wants to be perfect.”  I let my workout partner read it and she laughed hard and said, “Wow!  That’s arrogant!”  She continued to laugh and I probed her a bit, and she said, “Really?  That makes it sound like she wants for NOTHING in her life.”  I said that is probably not accurate, because only last month she was asking me questions about how you meet girls. But, then she said, “I think that she is selling herself as perfect and that her life is one that we all should aspire to because she has EVERYTHING that she needs–enough friends, enough workout time, just everything and doesn’t need anyone.”  Either way, I didn’t like the candor.  I’m not going to make any plans with her unless she sets something up.  There is imbalance about her, and she seems really weird.

I’m hoping to have some new adventures to blog here at some point, but whenever that shall be, will be.  I have a new blog that I’m keeping up with well, and I use my identity as it details some aspects of my clinical work.  I like to write there too, but look forward to someday having some sexy stuff again.  Right now is not the time.  Time to run our dog.  I’m grateful for friends, cool weather, a workable schedule, and our house.  It’s not that I want for nothing and that I think I’m perfect.  I’m simply really good where I am, and trust my journey.  I hope that all who make my day by interacting with me here, enjoy their weekends.

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Hmm

I had a wonderful day yesterday, so now I’m reflecting on it.  Now, I’m looking forward to my hump day, which would have started out with a 30-mile bike ride, but it seems really cloudy and like it could continue to rain.  I don’t like slipping around inclines on trails on my very light road bike.  I don’t think that it actually rained much at my house, but there are huge gray clouds, so my new cycling partner and I are going to do an afternoon ride tomorrow.   I did my Day A yesterday, and it combined with humidity and heavy clouds promoted the best sleep that I’ve had in weeks.  However, I had a really somewhat unsettling dream.

I was in my black cocktail dress that is fitted at the waist, and I am not sure why I was because I had a slew of adolescents in a day treatment program with whom I was working.  Lonely girl was there and working with them as well, because she was giving information on psychopharmacology.  It should be noted that I would never be in a slinky black dress if I was working with adolescents or if I was at work, but I was.  She was talking to me, and then when I was talking to a group of boys, I turned around and she started touching my back, and then started tending to a blemish that I apparently had on my low back.  This dress is not backless, but it was in the dream.

Later after the clients were in her huge backyard in a group, she and I were drawing on a white board and talking about ethnicity, and I told her what everyone who just meets me and is somewhat gauche says, and that’s “What are you?”  I get a range.  I think that I look Italian, but I get Greek, Asian, and sometimes get asked if I’m Latina, which is more confusing since I do speak some Spanish.  She laughed.  We talked more and I sat on her back porch.  She sat down and put her legs around the back of my right arm and moved herself against me.  Then she pulled me to her with her legs, and wound up having her lower body completely pressed against my upper arm and her knees were against my stomach and back.  I could feel her heat.  At that point, I was really turned on and she asked if I liked her.  I said, “Well, I certainly find you attractive, but we have a house full of kids.  I’ll have to come back tonight.”

Wow.  I think that all the manifest content of that is that I really do miss sex in general.  It’s been a couple weeks shy of six-months.  I told my workout partner last night that I know that I let my ex say abusive shit to me for as long as I did because she met companionship needs and that I knew that when I stopped seeing her (completely) that I would have a dry spell.

This particular round of celibacy is somewhat self-inflicted because it’s rare for me to be attracted to someone.  I was not attracted to Peter Pan, but thought that she was sweet and earnest and it was really flattering to have someone so into you when your ex was doing more push and pull, and you hadn’t had sex with her in three months.  That was last summer though.  I am not attracted to lonely girl.  And she only texts very rarely.  She has a nice smile, gorgeous dimples, and I like her hands, but she really is not someone who you’d want to date.  I’m done with rich girls too.  I think that I also dreamt about her because one of my best friends just broke up with her bf who slept with his best friend a couple weeks ago.  He had been in love with his best friend his whole life.  She said, “It would be like if you and I got drunk and hooked up.”  I said quickly, “That would actually be a mistake because it would affect our 12-year friendship.”

Sex does affect a friendship.  With Shane and with Bette (my actual exes), I was not friends with either of them first.  So, I’m cool with both of them, but don’t seek them out or makes plans to see them.  This particular girl who I dreamt about and I are pseudo friends.  It’s not a friendship though.  It was odd that I lain in bed for sometime this morning before I got out because I was given pause.  I was aroused when I woke up.  In the dream it was easy for her to pull my arm against her with her knees.  I think that it’s good that if she does get into touch to hang out, I will have my son and she will have her daughter.  That will put a halt on any moves she might have.  Maybe it’s a cautionary thing.  She has a terrible reputation with the 40ish outdoorsy set who I met last September.  It’s all regarding that she is not one that you’d want to get into a relationship with, but I think if both parties are open, that is their business in terms of who they sleep with, but I’m not into open.  I don’t have time for it either.  I also don’t want to have sex with someone who had a relationship with one of my ex’s best friends.  No thanks.

I wonder what I will have capacity to do on Saturday night.  Probably not much.  The race is only five-miles, but it’s got a lot of climbing and lifting combined with water.  My son is doing the quarter-mile, so it will be really nice to see him on a weekend that is not mine.  I’m proud of him for trying.  I imagine that when I get home, I will not be into doing anything but taking a hot bath and using ice and Tiger’s Balm.  My intern and her best friend are going to eat dinner with me, so I am pre-cooking on Friday night.  These are those times when it’s really nice to have an uncomplicated pinch hitter.  Like an ex who you’d never want to be with, but are cool with.  If I’m being completely honest with myself, if Shane were still ten-minutes away, I could see myself saying, “Hey, can we hook up for a couple of hours this weekend?  Is there a window wherein you will not be having a drop?”  That would probably piss her off, but she and I had the most consistent sex of anyone who I’ve slept with, and I would never want to be with her.  It’s rare to have something so uncomplicated.  Gotta eat, clean and write.

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Mix it up

I’ve gotten really good at this single thing.  I like it too.  Oddly, I do especially at night.  I can work out.  Read and write.  I can drink a beer or two after I’ve worked out, or I can determine that my walk is enough cardio and not work out extra.  I don’t have to worry about anyone’s moods or do I have to explain my client schedule or have feelings of guilt when it goes into the night.

I did have clients through the night, which I won’t anymore!  Woo-hoo!  (My class ends June 30th and my job is open 8 – 12 as of next Tuesday.)  I was at the art studio for about an hour on Wednesday, and when I’m not working with my girls on projects, my son and one of his friends can make art.  That is going to be amazing.  I think life is going to be keen.

I’m doing my scary obstacle half in three-weeks, and then two weeks after that I’m learning how to rock climb.  Everything else for the last month of my partial vacation will be easy, and I just have a little 10k, but I’d like to have some social stuff in between all the writing that I must complete.  That will start tonight.

After I had my dinner party with the women who are in longterm relationships (We can’t have marriages in this state.), I have kept in touch with all of them.  I’ll see at least two, if not three, of the couples tonight, because one of the couples are going on a year-long vacation.  They don’t have any kids right now, so it’s a good time to do it.  I invited lonely girl and church girl.  We will see who shows.  I don’t really hustle for newer friends.  It just has to have a good show-up factor, and if it doesn’t, I don’t add them as friends to my life.

Being out and about tonight is something that I’m really looking forward to though.  I’m going on a 35-mile bikeride with my supervisor this morning, and then am eating lunch and having two beers with my colleague who is my new cycling partner.  I only have one client before the party.  Summer is getting in full swing.  I’m lucky.

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Tanked

I probably got six-hours worth of sleep.  The light comes in so strongly in the morning.  I got up, had some coffee and then went to my Boss’ Boot Camp, and it was brutal because it was on asphalt.  Our Boot Camp is on grass and trail when we do it outside.  I didn’t even bear crawl because I didn’t want to tear up my hands.  So suburban…  Crawling in a dusty parking lot in between traffic cones.  But, hell, I wear my gloves so my callouses are smaller on the palms of my hands where my fingers start, so I’m not going to tear them up on asphalt.  I did 26-minutes of cardio stations though with no rest and did manage to cut my wrist, forearm, and bicep flipping the tractor tire at one station.  Butch moment 🙂

I rode my bike with my colleague again, but we didn’t go all the way to the reservoir today.  We rode an hour, and then my client was a no-show, which stunk.  I shopped for books for graduation presents.  I love book stores.  This one used to be on the trail from my house and now it’s more downtown, but I love it so much.  Although I cannot afford it, I bought Brene Brown’s new book, and think that I’m going to stay home to read it.  I’m supposed to go to another graduation party, but the one for my intern really wore me out.  Tons of exercise and oddly in my old age, I’m becoming more introverted and don’t want to make idle conversation with former students.  I like one of them quite a lot, but I’d rather just send her the book and card.  Laying on my couch and typing feels really good.

Earlier this evening, I thought that I would go to the bar, but I don’t want to now.  I’m so happy here at home.  I told my workout partner who accompanied me to my intern’s graduation party that I know that a girl is not going to knock on my door tonight, but I’m not willing to disrupt my happiness right now.  That’s what I’ve come to.  I’m happily tanked from Boot Camp, a bike ride, a few errands, and one party.  That’s enough.  I don’t want to seek much of anything right now or do I want to explain why I drank three beers late afternoon and talked and laughed, or that I ate two big plates of pasta.  I think that it would take a really special girl for me to disrupt what I’m doing and what I seriously enjoy.

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6-years

That is the age difference between my coming-out affair and I.  Those are also opposites in the Chinese Zodiac.  Well, she and a former boss of mine covered state guidelines that have changed for brain injuries today.  It was odd because today–my work load for my day job is lightest on Wednesdays–I had told one of my newer friends (who I had run a 5K with nearly a month ago)–all about her.  And there she was, presenting for our team with a former boss of mine.  I was pretty shaky when I realized that she was there too.

Then, it was fine.  After her portion of the talk was done, I smiled at my former boss and then when she would jump in so she could present more, I could just look at her.  It was completely neutral.  So, I put on my big girl pants at the end of their presentation and talked to and hugged them both.  I talked to them at length about a case we had just completed and asked if they could look at it.  They seemed surprised, but said that they would.  Next week, I’ll just email them both at the same time and say nice to see you and I think that we have what they discussed covered.

This is expressly why I know that there are no coincidences.  I talked about her today–I hadn’t seen her in almost 3-years–and there she was.  For me, the lesson is that I can easily share space with my ex in six-years.  At least my coming-out affair gave me a good and genuine hug.  I think that when I run into my ex, I’ll decline a hug and tell her that I don’t like her friend hugs.  She claps on the back too hard.  However, maybe with the passage of time, she can genuinely connect to me.  Interesting day today.  It’s time for bed.

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Busiest Sat

What didn’t I do yesterday?  I dropped my dog off at Day Care, ran a mile and quarter with one of my bosses, I did my typical Boot Camp, but we had a sub, I watched my son play soccer, I went shopping for groceries, I heard back from one of the therapists, as I plan on referring one my clients out for specific treatment, I got 3.5 inches of my hair chopped, I cleaned myself up, I had some water and met the Scorpio, I ran my 5K with a colleague and her friends, and then I had two beers with the bday entourage.  I have to write after church today, and I have to walk my dog before I go.

The Scorpio was back with her ex, so I was very careful about talking to either of them.  She touched me twice, and then her gf took her into the bar on the side, and when they returned, she didn’t touch me again.  When they left–which was way after the 5K was done and they had remained at the bar, she walked over to me and said, “It was really nice to meet you,” so now I do know that my colleague who had a bday told her that I said that she was cute.  She’s very cute.  We had that eye contact thing as we shook hands the last time, and a huge smile spread across my face.  We shall see how long she stays like her ex this time.  Again, that sounds like me.

I ran into a woman who I hadn’t seen in five-years.  I had only recently taken her phone number out of my phone.  Her gf was very cute.  She has lots of relationships, and I always think that it’s funny that I’ve dated so much too, but that is exactly why I plan on slowing down right now.  I honestly don’t want to force anything.  I want to see how girls are with their friends–I got good data on that last night with Scorpio–and I want to do stuff together first with any love interest.  I don’t even know what I would have done with my ex except hang out outside with our boys, eat dinner, and take a night walk.  I guess that we did listen to music sometimes, but often that was when we were having sex.  We had an insta-relationship.  No thanks.  That doesn’t work.  It also has not worked for me to just start having sex.

I really didn’t do that though with the last woman who I had sex with–not meaning my ex.  Peter Pan and I hung out, listened to music, ate meals together, did a summit, and talked very easily.  I was very bothered by the way that she said that she would have to be beaten by her brother to get him out of her parents house (One of her brothers is an addict.), that she lied about her career and then rolled with it, her over attachment to her roommate, and because she had a mythology about her being the most easy person in the world, she was beyond reproach.  I just wanted to have sex after karaoke one night, so I did.  Also, it did help damper the feelings that I had for my ex.  However, I did that right with delaying sex.  I did so for 7-weeks, but she lacked integrity in general.  The thing that I missed was my other new rule, and that is hanging out with friends together.  She has one guy friend who she plays golf with, and then her roommate who is straight, but her bf works out of town all the time.  So, I think that Peter Pan already had a gf, and it’s her straight roommate.

Again, there was no one of interest at the bar.  Everyone really drinks too heavily for me and others seem cliquey and phony.  I had one good conversation with a girl from the east coast who came in on an ancient Schwinn.  The bar owner who I have known for six-years helped her take it downstairs and then she gave me a tour of the whole place.  It is really cool and is definitely the best bar that she has ever run in our city.  She gave me pink boy briefs with the bar names on the crotch, so I put them over my running pants and wore them all night.  This girl on the ancient bike was good friends with Scorpio, so that was good, because Scorpio heard me making her laugh hard.  We shall call this girl Cruiser.  She was smart, but not cute, but could maybe be a good friend.  I’m going to friend her today.  Late that night, I brought her bike up from the basement and she said, “Wow, that’s impressive.”  I assumed because I just carried it up the stairs and lightly placed it right by the door instead of rolling it up, she was surprised.  I hope that Scorpio saw that too 🙂

I’m doing very well single. I know that when I network it’s good.  I want to get my dissertation done and work privately more all summer.  These paycuts from the day job have really messed me up financially.  I know that I’m getting my feet back under me and my heart healed.  I’m well on my way and have not ever actually felt this balanced.

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Weekender Readiness

I slept so well.  I think that I’m going to be able to improve that without sex, which I don’t think has happened in years.  I usually sleep best when I’m able to sleep with someone with some regularity–I say, “some” because there have been times that it is just a couple of weekends a month due to just dating with no seriousness.  It was just in my last relationship wherein it was weekly because we got serious and considered blending.  I think though that I will be able to just sleep better.

I cannot wait to be done with work, supervision, and then my family clients this evening.  I’m picking up my race packet and then chilling at home.  My workout partner’s date had to cancel, so she is chilling with me too.  We should probably make dinner together.  We shall see.  I have Boot Camp far away because I need to start working out with my boss due to our half being two months away, and I have to be the first to admit that I’m not ready for it.  I need to get hotel accommodations for it at the end of the month as well.  When I get back, my son plays two soccer games back to back this Saturday, and then I have a dye and haircut.   I don’t do the former too much because it’s so expensive, but I want solid color for the race and this spring.  I’ll probably need some rest time before the 5K and bday party too.  Sunday is just church and writing and then dinner with my intern.

I need to see who can walk my dog between noon and three.  I will walk her first thing in the morning and then at night as well on Saturday, but she has done some destructive stuff a couple days in a row, and I don’t want to leave her tethered in the house.  If she didn’t bark, I could tether her outside, but she is really territorial.

We had to meet with families last night who could meet.  It was pretty slow.  I wound up bs’ing with my workout partner quite a bit. She said that when my ex contacts me again that I won’t backslide much, because I am so much healthier around the entire situation.  It’s simpler because I don’t see her and really don’t think that I will see her until the very end of September.  I’m assuming that by then, it will just be a quick how are you and how is your son.  That’s healthy.  What she wanted was not healthy.  Close friends with an ex is just weird.  Now, it is time for connecting with all my close friends and meeting some available girls.  I hope that Saturday night is a BLAST.

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Single Scorpio

So, my friend was chatting me this evening and asking questions about ASD diagnosis.  I was kinda annoyed having to do shop talk while I was just logging in, and was a little short, but she didn’t even notice.  Then she told me that I needed to race one of her friends.  I had cyberstalked her page and knew the name, and this lanky blond really stood out and had an incredible body, but she has a really gummy smile.  I had dated this cowgirl who didn’t have a nice smile in December of 2008 and stopped in February of 2009.  She also had an amazing body and great ass, but her teeth were terrible.  They even made her lips chap the next morning.  She was stellar in bed too, but the teeth combined with her little girl voice killed it for me.  I’m still probably in karmic hell for my break-up with her…

Anyway, I played the age card and said that this lanky blond would waste me in a running race, and she said that they were both 32. 6-years is a big difference.  And that is opposite in the Chinese Zodiac too.  The woman with whom I had my coming out affair was 6-years older than me, so I guess that I didn’t like the smile of the woman who I should have a race with probably had a deeper meaning.  I do believe in intuition and chemistry…  Then she started talking about this other blond…

I asked her to get onto a computer and tell me when her bday was.  She’s a Scorpio.  She just got demolished by her ex partner and went back to her.  Then my colleague said, “We all screamed about her mixing with her ex,” because “that girl was toxic,” and she is not really “ready to date.”  Sounds like me.  Except I have the darkest brown hair that everyone argues is black.  But, chances are that she has light eyes.

Anyway, she and I should get to know each other if we have chemistry.  That is there or it’s not.  I wasn’t attracted to the picture of my ex, and I was to this girl’s pic.  Now, it’s the face to face thing.  And my upholding what I have promised myself, and that is dates in the daylight.  Maybe we can run or lift?  I hope she likes to hike.  I don’t care if she drinks beer.  I’m just ready to meet her, and am hopeful.