I worked through a lot of things in this blog, and so I am not going to write here any longer. I’ll leave it up for another year, and then will take it down. I’m going to start a brand-new blog as me. I happily abandon dating, despair, pretending that I can work with women with whom I’m not compatible, and needing self-of-therapist activities nearly everyday. I thank all of my readers and those who stopped by to Like a post. I appreciate everything that you imparted to me over the last two-years. It’s now time for me to write anything that I want to as myself.
Tag Archives: Endings
Engagement
I gave her a playlist on a CD, and a pink journal to write her dreams in and also things for our wedding. I had taken what I remember from seeing her through my friend’s FB and then finally meeting her in July of 2012 for the words, and then songs that I listened to during the torturous part of 2013 before we finally got our timing together. Before we left, we made love, and were able to reflect on the holiday season and the time that we had with her sister who surprised the family with a visit. We had an incredible time with her listening to hair rock and playing Super Nintendo’s Super Mario World. It was a retro fest of love.
Her sister drove home on Friday–which takes about 11-12 hours, and afterward we cleaned out our pantry after I had brought my dog back from the dog park. We had to drive back to her kick-ass apartment and pack it. Her mother and her mother’s boyfriend are in GA and left their SUV, so we were able to basically get everything down to our house. I don’t think that there is much left, and we hung some shelving and got things into the pantry. It was a really busy day before we left to get engaged.
We drove two-and-a-half hours, and then soaked in springs until night fall. The first night was cloudy, but it was very nice. The stars were phenomenal the second night. We took a small hike today. I love her. I love being engaged. I love starting my life on stable ground.
Adjustments
We’ll be making them winter through the spring, I would imagine. I’m excited to sleep with her every night and not just for physical reasons, but because I wake up a lot earlier when she is not here because I wonder what she’s doing. It is nice that we both sleep well next to each other given our level of trust that we have for each other.
I had a long day yesterday. I wasn’t done with work until 6 and then I had to drive to our church because my son had to learn his percussion part for the Christmas services. The woman with whom I had that emotional affair was there and she looked tired given that she is going through a brutal divorce. At the end of the night, I hugged her super tight and told her that I was sorry. I’m not sure that she has been held like that. It made me think that my partner and I have something really special. We hold each other tight all the time, and I don’t think that is something that everyone gets.
Apparently, the woman who my partner had half-heartedly tried to date exclusively who she met when she was ending her relationship called her last night too. I was thinking that it was probably around the time that I had hugged the woman at church. She told me that she would have to call me back when I called her because this woman was really sick. When I say that it’s not because she is having surgery, but it’s because she has a condition that is degenerative. While that is really too bad, I was fuming. I don’t want her calling my partner because she had every chance in the world to treat her right and was awful.
I told my partner that it was a weird boundary and was gamey. I asked her to text her that I needed her tonight and that she should reach out to her friends. I guess that she had told her that the news was so awful that she wanted to tell her instead, because they “weren’t in each other’s lives anymore.” Whatever. You had your chance, and you were a shit who wanted side relationships, so there you are. You got nothing. And honestly, it’s because your foundation was nothing but some open stuff that my partner needed to get space between her and her serious girlfriend–who also called her last night.
I remember nights that I’ve had like this one. You know when your exes would come out of the woodworks and try to connect with you, and typically it was when I was either dating someone new or having some shifts within myself that propelled me toward wake-ups within myself. I think that when you’ve been physically intimate with someone more than once, you have a collective of energy between you that can result in universal shifts when you are having new experiences. That is an adjustment as well.
Here is what I took away that was new:
- We honestly don’t fight
- My partner is the nicest person who I know
- She has fewer exes than me because girls would never want to let her go
- I’m looking forward to learning how to encourage her to make this relationship work for her
- Timing does it’s own thing and you cannot wield it directionally
Puzzle
I can be overly concrete. Typically, I get fired up too, which could be part of my genetic make-up given that I’m Italian on my Dad’s side, but some of it too, probably comes from the nurture side of the house. Experts in neurological research say that part is 40% of who we are (our experiences and social learning) is how we are raised and environmental influences. My father flew off the handle all the time, and because I was terrified that I was that way too, I tend to seethe. Could be because I’m a Virgo-Scorpio 😉
I haven’t screamed in a long time. I did in October of last year. My ex was fucking with me. At that point, we hadn’t had sex in about three-weeks, so she was chatting with me on the phone like she did once or twice a week. She said, “We are just not priorities in each other’s lives right now,” during our chat. But, I heard, “We are just not a priority in your life right now.” I lost it. It was pent up stuff that she had always projected on to me regarding how I didn’t hustle for her, didn’t meet her needs, and wasn’t right for her. That is the last time that I raised my voice and was irrational.
I talked with my partner last night on the phone. So funny, because it’s rare for us to not be sleeping next to one another now, but I just had to talk to her before I went to bed, so I did. I’m prone to worry. We both tended to agree that we won’t fight actively, but will instead have spats and little tense moments of speaking in mean tones, etc. I need to tell her that what works when we are under stress is quiet for both of us. One time we wound up being in bed an entire day and ate very little. We had to power eat two meals nearly back to back and were both slightly edgy. We took turns cooking parts of it while the other was pretty quiet and either wrote or listened to music. Adding down time when we are stressed is good. I also told her that we need a fighting journal. She can write down her impact of stuff that I do and say, and then I can read and validate it. Seems good.
I dated a woman pretty recently at the end of summer and the beginning of fall. She is a mess and not consistent. Those girls are attracted to me. I’m boring and stable. When she got withdrawn and did some push-pull, I just disengaged from her. She was pretty and all that, but I want a lot more than good-looking. I didn’t understand well, being concrete, why she meant much of anything to me. Much of her was the idea of her–four boys and into me. My son doesn’t even mention her kids, because he saw them twice, I think. Anyway, I’m actually getting things now as I piece stuff together.
In a couple of vivid dreams that I had, my partner was in them. In one dream, she was riding a horse in a stall on a grainy video shot when she was a child. I closed my phone–I thought because it was a film of my ex-although the video was my partner, and at that time, I was not ready to be with my partner. In another dream the woman who I dated tried to give me a gingery brown cat, and one of my readers asked what the cat meant. It didn’t mean what I thought that it did, because it was my partner. I wasn’t ready to tend to her quite yet. I tried to give her back.
I have a friend who introduced the woman who I dated a bit. She kept telling me that I was in love with this woman; although, I knew that I wasn’t, I danced with the idea that somebody had my heart. She has. She always has. But, it was not the woman who I was with. It was my partner.
Looking at her pictures on FB five or more years ago with our friend caused me to wish that she would move back home. It was a pull. It was a draw. When she got off of the couch to shake my hand and flash that gorgeous smile of hers in the summer of 2012, I felt it everywhere. We became good friends. Now, we are where we are supposed to be.
We put together the frame of the picture in June of 2012, and I had started with some corner pieces and edges. She filled in pieces of unusual size while she let me into her heart as a good friend. Then we put the whole thing together when I told her, “I need to see how this feels,” while taking her by the hand, pulling her against me and then nuzzling the nape of her neck and kissing the notch at the base of her throat. Everything is together. I can see the picture. I had posted a real picture in reference to the wrong woman in this blog, and only now do I know exactly what was on that horizon.
Keep up this pace
I’m unsure if I will ever get to have a conversation with my former girlfriend. I’m tending toward thinking that just reconnecting with our kids occasionally, and starting that after the first of the year is best. One of my friends said it best, “I’m ready for a relationship–PSYCH!” Although I laughed really hard and it made me feel better and like she got it, it’s actually really sad. If you think that starting that conversation in any type of text is ok, then honestly, you are really a mess. I have compassion for her. That is bad judgment and lacks some empathy too. Although I do love her, I wouldn’t want to talk to her at this point. And, I’m not going to. When she calls, I will listen the voicemail and when I can will text, “I don’t want to take your calls. You initiated this topic of conversation in email, so it’s just as well that this thread ends there. I’ll shoot you an email tonight. Maybe we can connect in person with our kids in a few months. _______ loves your boys.”
You may remember the-girl-next-door or my friend from the swings. This is how I met her. I was off with my ex, because that is what she would do, she would break up with me for months. It was the summer of 2012. One of my dearest friends was home from HI at that point, and I went to one of her friend’s houses who is kinda my friend too. A woman who I had heard about for nearly ten-years was supposed to also come to her house because she had just moved back from the NW, and I had just met her sisters. They were really cute. All strawberry blonds, tall, and lanky. Then, enter HER–she was chilling and resting when I got in the house. In a sundress so her sleeve tatt was completely exposed. Some moments actually are breathtaking. We shook hands and then she smiled her sweet smile. I kept thinking, “Why did you JUST have to have met a new girl?!?”
But, that was June of 2012. Flashforward to February of this year when I had dinner with her and her same girlfriend who she had just met upon moving home. That night was pivotal for me. I was still very attracted to her, but because I felt so at ease in her mother’s house (They were house sitting.) and around them, I just tabled it. The night was incredible. I posted the food, which is a little crazy as I blog incognito, but what was most salient was that I just had easy fun. I never had times like that with my ex. I don’t mean this six-week stint with the beautiful woman, but I mean the woman who has imparted so much to me, that I can’t be anything, but grateful. Most times with her were miserable or she was on my ass. This night with the-girl-next-door and her girlfriend was a blast. It was fun and easy. It fueled me.
Then we had that Sunday afternoon this past March. The one in which her girlfriend was doing homework. We actually played on the swings! Then my crush began. So, it started as a love at first sight thing, and then moved into a crush that I tabled. However, we must also note that when I found out that she was single late this summer, I was THRILLED. Then I found out that another woman was in that mix; although, it was that both of them had another woman who they slept with, those resulted in impacts. I think that open is hard to do well, and that is the one thing that makes me jealous. I’m not a jealous person, but sex and kissing is something that I don’t want my girlfriend to be doing with anyone else while she is with me.
Her relationship ended on Saturday, and I think that mine did too, but I was foolish, and didn’t know it until very late on Sunday night. When we hung up on Saturday morning, she said, “I’ll text you later.” She never contacted me again. So, I just did what I had been doing over the last three-weeks and that was send her a well-wishing email. I certainly received her perspective, but just can’t follow what she does. I was only supposed to connect with her on Friday with our friend, and our boys, and then she told me her plans with them and the start time on Saturday, and I said, “Why don’t you just get that all settled there, and then text when you’re ready for another adult to join and I’ll just meet up with you?” She liked that then. That is the case with her, she likes some ideas on the fly, but then who knows what will still sound good to her. That now includes me. I’m worth way too much.
So, here I am. I’m seeing a woman on Thursday for dinner who has always been my friend, but who I have had a crush on for over a year-and-a-half. She needs some space. She has not been with the woman who was in the middle of her breakup with her girlfriend in a month, but she has had some dates with another woman. This particular woman is only friendship material though.
I just got out of something that had major potential from only my pov at the beginning of this week. So, I am going to need a minute too. I just want space from the woman who I was dating.
Dinner with the-girl-next-door. I don’t need to kiss her. I do want to get my arms around her and laugh with her. She is also easy for me. My son will be there, because she has always known my son. She is really good with him too. My heart was about to burst watching her with him this past March. (That entry is entitled, “A little danger,” or something to that effect, if you’re interested.)
He never fails to notice anything, so I’ll just bet that when we are driving back home that he will ask again and again if he will still get to see the boys. That’s what I will preserve. I don’t have any plans to begin those efforts for awhile. She needs space to get through telling me that she doesn’t want to date. I need some space from having the tablecloth pulled off the table, but then realizing that the stemware is unscathed. I can thank my ex for that. She has ensured that I am nearly formidable.
That was a record
I sent her a little encouraging, well-wishing email yesterday, and I got back a corpse-like response right before bedtime. It wasn’t even signed, “Love,” and was formal and business-like. It’s saying that we are not working for her and that she knows some of what it is, but it’s not helpful to email. I am leaning toward just leaving it at “Ouch,” and that I didn’t see it coming and feel foolish. I’m not known for brevity, so it’s not like I didn’t write more, but I’m not inclined to having a conversation about it. That’s where I am when I woke up. I feel like if you write a Dear John email, it’s not only distasteful, but it is also slightly mean. I was very kind to her and her family.
I texted the woman with whom I had that emotional affair and told her that the worst thing was that I have to tell my son. I got some clarity while talking to her via text. I don’t have to say much of anything. I can keep saying that she is busy, because she is, and that I don’t know when he will see her little boys again. And, I don’t. When he pushes me, and he will, I will just say that she doesn’t have time to tend to a relationship. Honestly, I think that she is either not gay enough, or not well enough with where she is on her journey to attend to a relationship.
I learned that I love being at ease with someone. I do too. It’s easy and pleasant, and I love to laugh. I also am open to another mother, but would prefer that it is not one who I already know. I have compassion for her and enjoyed my times with her. I definitely love her, but had not fallen in love, so it’s unlikely that I will even shed a tear. I will always have some love for her even if I don’t see her again or for a long time. It’s not dramatic for me. It’s just sad, weird, and not stable.
Here is what I dreamt. It was another vivid one.
I was talking to her in her house, and she was mostly matter-of-fact. It wasn’t sterile, because she still smiled and laughed a lot, but it was not warm or sexual at all. I finally had to talk through what it did to me. I told her that it was like a “brain scramble.” Meaning that I thought one thing and then felt very fucked over and it happened so suddenly that I couldn’t make any sense of it. She seemed to not be following what I was saying, so I used a gross metaphor, and motioned as if I had a wooden spoon above my head and was stirring my brain. I said it basically to let her know that it was like mindfuck. I also told her that her disconnection that seemed like a slow demise was like thin rock sheaths being stripped off of my heart in layers. I told her it hurt. That seemed more salient for her, but she didn’t apologize. She seemed sympathetic, which just annoyed me.
Then I had to gather my son and say “Goodbye” to her boys. I really love her baby boy, and he and I seem to have a bond. It hurt too. Then in the dream, she actually had four cats. (She does have a couple.) She was insistent that we take a ginger brown one who was docile and sweet. I emphatically said, “No.” I kept having to explain that I don’t want a cat and that I am not sure that I could take care of one well and that our dog bothers cats. I got away from her and the cat in a towel, but she brought it to my house. I told her that I didn’t have time or inclination to train my dog with a cat. I told her that I would foster him for a little bit and then adopt him out.
I’m not going to push anything on her. I’m not going to pursue her. I’m not going to win her back over. I don’t even care to hear her side of it. I thought it a strange way to show up when she hadn’t emailed me back in over a week and texted me only a handful of times. Then this is what I get in response to my innocuous and gentle one. Fuck that. It’s just not stable enough for me to seek out or invest energy investigating. I didn’t like it.
I deserve good treatment. I know that I am a helluva catch. I’m glad that I had some ease with strikingly beautiful woman for 6-weeks. Would have been nice to have slept more than 3-hours last night though 😦
Probably just a little weird
Vivid dreams are typically unsettling. When I was little, and I mean really little, I dreamt about knives and assailants all of the time. They were violent and graphic; although, I can remember them, they are not worth writing in here due to the gratuity of media. Those are best for a conversation and like many, I don’t think that I’ve had those even with my psychologist who I saw for years. I get that I work stuff out in my dreams.
The company had taken away my car insurance. They had raised the amount to $1000 monthly if I wanted it, and then it would have to be underwritten and approved if I was ever to get it. A lawyer called me and said that I could no longer drive, and if I did, I would be incarcerated. My mother was there and was signing documents, and then my ex-husband came in and said that he wanted nothing to do with it.
There are financial issues. They are not insurmountable, but I will have to see how my business launch for side work goes this summer. I also need to teach every term in a blended class. That seems to be the wave of the future, and although I prefer everything being f2f, that is not the way that the world works in the wake of this economy and social shifting as a result of computers and Internet.
I think that there are people who I just don’t want to engage with. I think that shadow aspects were explicit in this first dream. I don’t want to be leaned on so heavily that I lose myself or have no reciprocity. I have told three friends over the last month that I don’t want to hang out right now. I don’t.
The other dream was real too. I woke up and at the top of my Droid there was an icon that is typically in the window of settings in an actual camera. It was a video camera icon and it meant that someone had sent me a video recording. I opened it like it was a message and it went into a video shot in a pasture with fences all around. The film quality were those muted colors from the 70s. A little, short-haired, blond, freckled girl was jumping onto a saddled horse. There were men in stetsons all around her who were clapping and encouraging her, and then the shot got more macro and she was riding around, but I closed it and deleted it.
It’s a good thing to not hear from or be bothered by my ex. However, there is something energetic that I feel right now. I don’t know what it is, but I do know that she is more moody than usual around the holidays. I would never reach out, because I don’t want her show. That’s what she does. It’s a well-orchestrated performance which includes everything that you’d ever want to hear, because she is an incredible listener and also a chessmaster. It’s so different than standard manipulation. It’s surrounding yourself with pawns who do your bidding because you have “goods” on them or know exactly how to motivate them. I know her deal. However, she showed up in my dreams.
It’s all time. It’s just waiting and seeing. I love my girlfriend, but I can tell that I’m not in love. I don’t know if we are building anything. I trust that we love each other and have positive feelings for each other, but I have no clue what the next several months will entail. I suppose it doesn’t matter. Right now, I love her, am hopeful, am not involved or overextended in anything, and can write and go to class because she is not possessive or does she expect much time with me. We enjoy each other when it happens. We shall see what the ceiling is on what could be. That could take months, but I love being with her when I can.
Balance 8.22.08
I can’t believe that I wrote this entry five-years ago. Until I reached the age that I am right now, I had no idea what people meant when they talked about how quickly time passes. Five-years… This one is a re-blog, but I want to look at it, because I feel as if I am finally getting my balance with where I’m headed in my life.
Balance. Do we even know what the hell this word means? I cannot believe the way in which everything is overdone: work, activity, even the way in which we approach relationships. I’m kinda sick–I sneezed and my nose ran all day to day, but it was a decided improvement upon the incessant headache and sinus pressure that I’ve had for over two weeks. When colds finally hit me, I feel a sense of release that is foreign. I think it’s because I don’t actually let go too well. Americans even take Yoga about 3 times a week to practice “letting go.” Isn’t that utterly ludicrous?!? How the hell do you practice that? People talk about moderation, but I’m sure that I have not mastered it.
I am going to hike with my son tomorrow. Desiring grocery shopping is not what I would call part of my evening, but it is necessary. I may hook up with my friend and her son, but am cool if I don’t. I am cool with most things these days. I have to be…
I would like to have some physical intimacy… Would I overdo that? I think that my goal is to actually ensure that I am varying my activities and letting things unfold as they should. I’m sure that I’ve said these statements before, but they are starting to make increasingly more sense to me. I think that I understand that I need to be patient with myself to fully listen to others who I truly love.
PS. I get it. I understand what balance is too, as I have let go of extremity and fervor. It’s little smatterings of the things that I used to enjoy more than I do now, and connecting to those who have an energy level that matches mine. Enjoying whatever unfolds without expectation is helping me too. No poison. I’m not anyone’s therapist who knows me either.
I am not overdoing sexual intimacy, and in fact, I am not able to overdo connecting with my current girlfriend either based on what she has going on in her life as she focuses on strengthening and balancing her energy. I’m not overdoing anything right now, but I must embrace that as I have come to center, that I can connect with people only when it makes sense.
Another wake-up call
My girlfriend called me last night and we had a wonderful conversation that was seamless like usual. I know for a fact that there isn’t anyone who takes me like I am, less her. I have all of these expectations from everyone, but her. She just wants me to be myself. I just want to look at her, learn from her, laugh with her, and have family time. I’ll take that anytime that I can get it too, and won’t despair when plans have to change because of her capacity or her sons. Any second that I get with her is a gift. I just want to be and not to bend the river. It’s flowing and it’s beautiful.
I’m breaking up with a lot of friends. My workout partner started doing things that I couldn’t follow and seemed bizarre and like she expected me to meet her needs. I had to tell her that I needed space. I’ve taken it, but I had to see her yesterday because I had locked myself out of the house in the morning and wanted my key back. It was super awkward. I just don’t want to be anyone’s everything anymore. I don’t have it.
Another one of my friends says that she is “going through” a lot of shit at work. I texted her to be grateful to have a job, as I know that many don’t. I meant that. Then she said when I called her that I was undermining her. I was being honest. I think what has happened is that everyone has these expectations of me either to do some toxic joining, or just listen to the same recycled conversation. I got this text out of the blue and it was a “feel sorry for me and listen to me bitch” text. No thanks. She helped me move many loads of dirt to my backyard in 2011. I appreciated that and I cooked for her three times. She had gotten that job then, and has always hated it. She still hates it. I do think that she should be glad that she is employed. I finally told her that I would pray for her to find peace and a new job. I will do that, but I can’t do the toxic and recycled convo anymore. I just don’t have it in me.
I had gotten stood up at the end of last month by my bday twin. She took over two weeks to explain that she left her planner at home, and she did it via text. She wants to get together Sunday. No thanks. Who does that? I texted her sorry that we missed each other, and she explains it now over two-weeks later? I don’t need that. Frankly, I’m a lot better off and more balanced when I’m either alone, with my son, joking casually with colleagues, or anytime that I spend with my girlfriend.
I’m going to read all the entries that I have written about her to her, and then ask if that level of detail is ok for me to write. If it is, I’m putting this blog back up. If it’s not, I’m going to support my work blog, dog blog, and my son’s old blog and that will be what I do. I entitled this one “Return,” and think that perhaps my return has lead me into a more introverted self, which is more balanced, and one in which I seek out positive interactions. I don’t want to do ranting or toxicity, and since the end of 2012, I have not had a toxic approach to love relationships. I don’t want them in my friendships either. I’m shifting and becoming the person who I want to be, and it’s one who wants to seek out good. I don’t want to be mired down by anything that resembles poison.
Communication and “Stuff”
I know that inadequate or misinterpreted communication has been the kiss of death with me and the ending of all my relationships. However, I didn’t realize until yesterday that my ex has kinda fucked up the way that I see people and what I will tolerate from anyone as well. There are things to reflect on and try to alter slowly.
My friend connected me and my artist, if I’m being honest. It would have been circuitous and next to impossible to talk with her had I waited on one of my best friends to connect us, and as I have written earlier, I would have never had the guts to approach her anyway. I have noticed this past weekend, however, that she like most drop-dead beautiful women who has her own stuff relative to the way that she sees herself. I’m sure much of that comes from what Ani says, “And everyone harbors a secret hatred for the prettiest girl in the room.” I digress.
To be concise, my friend, who connected us, slowly cancelled plans over the course of Saturday.
My birthday was somewhat challenging, and the experience relates to my Saturday this weekend. I was juggling a book, leftover soup, and my wallet. I had left my cell in my car. While trying to hug my parents and our friends, I asked my son to hold my wallet, and he did, but when we got home, it was gone. I called the restaurant. I went to the parking lot, and then I called my friend who’s been in my life for 12-years and we searched my car with flashlights. She was cool and nice and said, “I’ll withdraw cash, we will buy you a new wallet for your bday, and we will get together Saturday night and make sauce and have girl time.” She is a big promiser. It’s just her thing.
With her too, you can’t always be sure much will actually come to fruition, because her life always has roadblocks and things that she deals with constantly. For example, I was SHOCKED when she and I did a long summit which was over 15-miles this past July. She has been “climbing” with me for years, but it did actually happen, and we completed a summit this past summer. That’s good. Dinner did not happen on Saturday, and that’s not shocking. I got a text from her early in the morning saying sorry that she didn’t check in on Friday and that she probably had to cancel cooking because she had a friend coming. I said, “Let’s all get together,” and then when my artist asked what I was doing on Saturday, we both felt like we didn’t want to be apart after I left to watch my son’s game.
In summary, I was hanging out with my artist and her youngest son on Saturday morning and it was obvious that she was thinking that she should join, and I wanted it too. So, I texted my old friend and she said, “Of course.” All day she got more lukewarm on our plans in general. Then late in the afternoon that became a complete cancellation due to a “bad mood.” I honestly think although she denies it, there is some jealousy here, which I confronted head-on. She has a child boy toy who is 17-years her junior who now has a gf and has dropped off the face of the earth, and I am currently dating her friend of nearly 25-years.
We couldn’t have a rational conversation about the way the cancellation went down and it was all weird. She cussed and used exclamation points via text. TRIGGER. I realized our conversation was completely unproductive so I asked her to table it, and she went into MY ISSUES. I have some for sure, but the whole thing was odd and was based on the time that I had to cancel hers and my plans when I didn’t have a penny to my name for ingredients for us to cook with, or for screen patches that we were going to use to do a home repair. One time that I cancelled. I’m not getting into that. Space is better.
I can’t text fight. I can’t read cussing, which is directed at me, and exclamation points. I feel badly being brushed aside and really was upset that these plans being cancelled effected my son, and my artist’s youngest kids. These feelings all result from dealings with my ex during 2012. I have really high standards now with respect to how I will be treated and what I’ll tolerate. I’m not going to her house again and I am not getting in touch with her. It was toxic. (If she wants to hang out again, we can do stuff at my house. She never comes over here and was furious that I dropped off DVDs and told her that I’m not her boy toy. I actually said, “I’m not ____ .” I still know that there is something more than wanting to be alone here, but she doesn’t want to talk about it, so I’ll just take space from her.)
I wound up bringing food to my artist’s place that I bought thinking that we were going to BBQ at our mutual friends’ house. I bought stuff that was kinda difficult to cook indoors, but we made it work. After dinner, which was fun and some games with our boys, we did the dishes and talked. She grabbed me from behind at my waist and her fingertips were in my spine and she said, “Now, that is a nice spot.” I haven’t been touched by anyone the way that she touches me.
I have a pretty assertive presentation, so unless you are physical with me, you don’t note that my dynamic is also one of “green light” waiting for signs or first moves. That is just me. I certainly would not have made out with her in her dining room while we were setting the table, or would I have felt the muscles in her low back. When you run, those get really tight and defined. I certainly noticed them on my ex, and it felt great to have her notice mine on me given that I have worked really hard since March of 2012 to get into good shape and stay healthy. After I stopped pressing her against her sink and burying my head in her hair, we played a game. We laughed hard.
Before I left, I told her that I know that when I was writing here and in my journal as well that it was like a soul reach. I know it is her with whom I’d like to explore a relationship. I told her that I waited for her. After the night waned and morning came, these assertions resulted in her feeling scared. She told me, which is good. But what I don’t get is why it scared her. She started these things with emailing me back after the wedding and said, “Not to scare you, but I have only seen that expression in one photograph of me and it was when I was with my ex and I was in love, but trying to hide my affections.” OK. Then she wrote the most genuinely loving message on my FB wall on Thursday for my bday with the words “love and kisses” in it. OK. She told all of her boys, her sister who is local, and her Dad that we are dating. OK. So, I told her where I am, and it scared her.
What was my result? I figured that she does “push and pull,” and that we don’t work. So, after church, I rode 20-miles on my road bike. That helped. Then doing laundry and cooking dinner for my workout partner helped even more. I just need to have this tough conversation. It will have to be this weekend if we do take my son away, or at a later date, but this stuff is ripe and should not be buried because I do know that letting it lie can lead to resentment. I don’t know how to have these conversations. I still struggle with whether or not I deserve to stay in relationship. My ex has fucked me up and I let her.
Approach
You have to approach a summit with care and planning. Further, you have to recognize where you were and how far that you’ve come when you climb a mountain or simply make changes in your life.
I did a hike with one of my friends yesterday that I had not done in 5-years, and it is funny that I remember the last legs of it being very different than it was. Some of it could be in part due to the fact that I did my first summit alone. But, who really knows why it was so different yesterday than my memory of it was. Is it because I know how to watch and go forward with planning of my next steps? Is it because it was my first and I’ve done 13 others now? Is it because it’s just not all that scary and I’ve gotten accustomed to making summits? I don’t know. The metaphor is good though. I certainly haven’t always been careful or have I planned everything.
I know now what I seek, based on where I’ve been, and I’m good enough on my own not to engage in something that will yield nothing for me or my son. I realize that is a selfish interest, but I try each day to give back and approach with good will everyone who I run into so as to share the gifts that I have, and express my gratitude.
I was sitting in a salon that is new to me to get an expensive as hell haircut last Tuesday night. I was a little tired, and the new gay male stylist (new to me!) was running late. I didn’t want to read the article that I knew I’d have to put in my proposal by three the next day, so I was half-heartedly looking at magazines on the table next to me but had not picked up any of them. I saw a thick dining guide for our city and the neighboring university town. I thought of my ex partner. She abuses alcohol, but when she is not drinking or just having one or two, she is the best companion over a meal or walking around looking at art. So? I snapped a shot of the magazine cover and emailed her. In it told her that when I see things like that, I miss her tons. She didn’t get back to me until a day later, but we had an authentic, well-connected, and warm series of interactions. I think that she is still in love with me. Although, I was never actually in love with her, I love her like a friend and still do, but I wouldn’t want to ever get involved with a woman who is addicted to anything.
That’s a lesson yielded from this now 6-year journey of being single. There are times when you just need to push through lots of pain and there are times when you just need to sit and wonder. I’ve had little hook-ups or stints that yielded nothing but that it is possible to eventually be able to have an orgasm from someone other than who you thought was the love or your life, and it’s good to learn to make red enchillada sauce from scratch.
There may be some things that you engage in too, that don’t yield much of anything. I just am. I know that I will have a more complete family some time in the future. I love yesterday and am grateful for climbing, connection, loving interactions with my son, and hearing him say to one of his good friends two Moms, “We are all going out then as a family.” That innocence and pure love makes me hopeful for what the next legs of this journey shall bring.
“Battle Scars”
Such an incredible video. I love these lyrics too.
Today, it is way less about ending a bad relationship for me. This post is more derivative of the cuts, bruises, swelling, and lacerations that are all over my body after my crazy race challenge yesterday. Here is to being able to walk around Pride!
Delusions of the Exes
I think that I casually mentioned that Shane had written the same day or day after I had to sit in a presentation with my coming-out affair. It’s so odd to have a coming out affair when you were 33, but my hs and college gfs were covert. Anyway, the delusional one is not my coming-out affair. I gave her a simple hug and had a professional conversation.
Shane is super delusional though. She wrote a disjointed letter that my son barely listened to and sent a complicated star device and a toy plane. My son is 7. He cannot interpret the stars and the wheels would take my perceptually-challenged self hours to interpret, so it’s just buried somewhere. He has not played with transportation devices in three-years. She is like one of those unfortunate distant relatives who we all have who still think that we are suspended in toddlerhood or something. The saddest part of that is that she thinks that they have this relationship. If she wants one, she would have to call him once a month, as he changes quickly. Sad, really. I do wish her the best, and wrote her a thank you email that day.
So, unfortunately, when you have kids and you spend over a year with someone, you and your kids interact. Hell, Bette and I even did blended weekends for awhile, but I promptly stopped those early in 2012. I still miss her son. He is a gem. She’s super lucky that he won’t remember me at all. My son has been asking to talk to her for a couple of months, but like most seven-year-olds, he loses interest and lacks follow-through. Well, not last night. He was adamant about talking to her. Of course he did have to leave her a message. She left him a voice recording the following morning, which was today. I played it for him and he asked to call her back. He took my landline in my bedroom, his dog, and left. I unloaded the dishwasher. He came out shortly later. Then I got two texts. One was thanking me. The other was apologizing if I took offense at one of her comments. I said, “I have no idea what you’re referring to. He sequestered himself in a bedroom with the dog.”
She talked about him at length. I responded. She honestly is a pretty good mother. I think she’s harsh as all get out and I don’t want to be her friend, but she is honestly one of those people who has a soft spot in her heart for kids. She asked to take him for a burger this weekend, but I explained that he has rehearsals Friday and Saturday, but that she could see him anytime that she wanted to. I sent her two recent photos of him, and one had my intern in it. She thought it was my gf, and I said that she is a 29-year-old str8 intern, but that I had a good gay story, so I left it on a voice recording. I’ll reproduce it in brief here, because it’s funny.
I’ve been cross training since November with my workout partner. She knows my son well though, because she is working with him as she is a Speech Pathologist. My son reads too well to qualify for speech, but he has a lateral lisp. This information is bg, and not the story.
Here is the story, and why I was with this particular girl, who I’ve been cross-training with this school year. We were walking our dog after lifting weights and eating dinner. She was talking to my son about his gf. My son is super tall and actually very good looking. A 5th grade girl called this house this year and left a VM and completely freaked me out, but again that is just more context. Anyway, he likes this girl in his class who happens to be Black. My workout partner said, “Do you like Black Girls?” He answered, “Oh, yes.” She said, “I like Black guys.” My son said, “We are the same. But, we are straight.” There was a long pause and my son said, “You’re the gay one, Mom.”
It was funny. My son is a bit of a nut. That was a good exchange, was not overly personal, but was not an invitation into my personal life, but was about my son. So, I thought that would be good, but she texted again a very stupid joke. I let it go with no response, so 5-hours later she left me a long voice recording with race tips, and offers to send photos about her race.
Jeez. I finished my 5-mile, and had fun. I can finish my crazy half. I don’t need advice. Having a friendship with someone who doles out advice and tips is not a friendship. Honestly, it reminds me of a stereotypical man who must be the best (Most of her tips were based on the race and her training that she had just completed, and how they could help me.) and be the one to help and fix. Ani says it best, “I’m not a kitten stuck up in a tree, and I don’t need to be rescued.” Also, when will she get that I didn’t ask? I don’t need her for a friend or anything else. I don’t appreciate unsolicited advice either. If she wants to see my son, she’s more than welcome to take him snowboarding or out to eat or whatever. I don’t need her. She has strange ideas about relationships with exes in general.
Finality
I have had this damn email for too long. I’m not sure how long actually, but today in my son’s class (while I watched him dance), I realized that it carries energy in my draft box. I don’t want that energy. I like, “Good. Hope you two are well.” I don’t want it to be anywhere, but here–namely–because it invites reengagement in conversation and the like. I burned her name on a piece of paper last summer with a sentence that I wrote. After I blew the ashes and it had gone out, I unfolded the paper and it was blank. All my handwriting had disappeared. I have decided to put this email here, and then I don’t want to say much more about her. I got what I needed and want to go to my friends’ party this weekend with it already “sent.”
I’m going to be as clear as I can. I don’t want to pre-arrange seeing you. I’m sure that we shall run into each other by chance in the future, but I don’t feel comfortable with a friendship or actively cultivating something close. We had a good trial run of things for 15-months, and I don’t want to try to convert our old situations into a “friendship.” I’m not there, and want to heal and move forward.
I think that we struggle to understand one another, don’t get along, and live far apart. It doesn’t make much sense to attempt to turn a painful lost love situation into anything when it’s so difficult just to get together, and even relate to one another. If we were meant to be friends, it wouldn’t be this hard, so I think that is life telling us something.
I don’t think that you know me all that well, tbh. I think that if you did, you wouldn’t believe that I had “zero compassion.” But, what I have come to is that it doesn’t matter at all what you think I’m like. If I’m creepy, negative, and selfish and don’t have compassion for others that is just what interactions with me yielded. It gives me pause, because I don’t know anyone who possesses those qualities or have I ever told anyone that he or she were that way. Such a strange thing for me, and I can’t wrap my brain around why that is the result. Honestly, I’m not sure why that is your pitting of me, but it doesn’t seem like I should be part of your circle. You should be around nice people.
I’m simply not that way. I’m a lot of things, have tons of drawbacks and the like, but I just like to laugh and connect with others. People who I chose to spend time with help me understand the world better. I surround myself and am blessed with wonderful friends.
I can remember not being able to wait to wake up to email you to share about my day, get information on what you were doing, who you were, and what motivated you / made your heart tick. I quickly fell head over heels in love with you and had an incredible three months with you sharing my whole self and feeling so gratified looking into your eyes or being in your arms. I wouldn’t trade fall of 2011 for anything.
As I’ve said, I also yielded being able to make sure that my son has a wonderful meal when I don’t see him until the following morning, I realized that he actually needed a dog, and I really am in phenomenal shape now, which I know may improve my overall health and life quality. The last thing that started toward the end of September nearly two years ago was that I trusted myself enough to give my heart away. Those are pretty good lessons resulting from ending a relationship. I am lucky. Sorry that it only worked in my direction and you never got your four quarters. They are coming for you or are already there with a really great girl.
Glad that we are cool. It means a lot to me that you and I will be able to comfortably greet each other when we do see each other. Peace and light your way.
6-years
That is the age difference between my coming-out affair and I. Those are also opposites in the Chinese Zodiac. Well, she and a former boss of mine covered state guidelines that have changed for brain injuries today. It was odd because today–my work load for my day job is lightest on Wednesdays–I had told one of my newer friends (who I had run a 5K with nearly a month ago)–all about her. And there she was, presenting for our team with a former boss of mine. I was pretty shaky when I realized that she was there too.
Then, it was fine. After her portion of the talk was done, I smiled at my former boss and then when she would jump in so she could present more, I could just look at her. It was completely neutral. So, I put on my big girl pants at the end of their presentation and talked to and hugged them both. I talked to them at length about a case we had just completed and asked if they could look at it. They seemed surprised, but said that they would. Next week, I’ll just email them both at the same time and say nice to see you and I think that we have what they discussed covered.
This is expressly why I know that there are no coincidences. I talked about her today–I hadn’t seen her in almost 3-years–and there she was. For me, the lesson is that I can easily share space with my ex in six-years. At least my coming-out affair gave me a good and genuine hug. I think that when I run into my ex, I’ll decline a hug and tell her that I don’t like her friend hugs. She claps on the back too hard. However, maybe with the passage of time, she can genuinely connect to me. Interesting day today. It’s time for bed.
Driven
What is it with all the driven people? I had a massage this morning because these last two weeks at work have actually been a pile of shit from which I can’t wait to come through, and my therapist, who has been rubbing my act for 10-years told me that with our trail (We live blocks apart.) all torn up that the cyclists are getting on his nerves. I made the analogy of marathoners and avid roadbikers and determined that they are both zealots, prior to drifting off into the land of stream of consciousness and no voluntary movement.
I’m fit. Quite so for my age, but I would never run all the time or would I bike until I dropped. I, frankly, have waaaay too many other things that I’m interested in doing with my time and seek balance. Plus, I’m not driven to the degree where I live under a misapprehension that I can perfect my body or bench 150-pounds. Well, I would feel badass if I could do the latter, but would never do 3-sets of 15 of those. I would like to add some heavy stuff to my day C and just have to buy one of the counselors from work lunch at a soul food place for that 😉 Oddly, he is my ex’s type and actually lives just miles from her… Small world in which we reside.
We run our family 5K tomorrow. I hope that my ex doesn’t decide to run it with her son and dog. Frankly, it’s her neck of the woods. It really doesn’t matter. I’ll embrace her, choke back tears when I hold her son, and she’ll clap me on the back–“Way to go, pal.” So, gross. A woman who is worth TONS of money, raised a couple of kids, and now is single parenting her own, but can’t be even slightly vulnerable. This woman who sat in her red, wool coat all night buttoned to the top until she left without saying goodbye when we attended an event that was honestly in the memory of her father. So driven, yet in the opposite vein, one who runs from raw emotion with the exception of when she makes love. I’ll never understand her and know that I really don’t know her.
I vow never to be like that. I don’t want to appear cold. I’m not formidable, nor am I impervious. Although I am driven to make a better life for my son and I, I do believe that true love is rare and connection means everything. Here is to you, sweet girl, wherever you are. I know that you’re out there and one of my drives to see you; although, I don’t know you or have I yet seen you.
Potayto
Are you kidding me? You talk to me on the phone and argue semantics? Peter Pan asked if I had sent her CD and said she was moving. I apologized and asked for her new addy. She said, “No, I’ll pick it up.” I said, “Tell me when to leave it in my door,” and then just like her she got all sad sack about it. For the love of Pete, dude, I haven’t seen you since either the end of July or the first couple days of August–I’d have to check my blog–and you didn’t even miss this CD until I realized that I had it. She said, “I understand that you don’t want to see me,” and I said, “I just got home. Give me a few and I’ll call,” and she said, “No worries. You don’t have to talk to me.”
Sooooo intense and dramatic. We had sex a handful of times. You were my rebound. I told you after we’d done it one night that you needed a nice, young sensible girl who wouldn’t be doing clinical hours next school year. We had an understanding.
She then started in about how great she is. I told her, “You are pretty lacking in integrity,” and she said, “I’m the most integrous person that you’ll ever meet.” Now that cracked me up. She never finished college and introduced herself to me as a teacher of kids with special needs. And she let that run for seven-weeks!
Later in our convo tonight, she asked me if I was seeing anyone. A bit later she asked if she had introduced herself to me as an assistant, would I be her friend and still be dating her? OMG!
You tell me that what you did was not a lie and that I’m the one with the problem and then it’s obvious that you thought you could date me again. WhoTF do you think you are? I couldn’t believe it. She said that I was wrong several times, and that she is the best person she knows. Good. I don’t like untruths or lacking in authenticity. I’m fine with not knowing the best person in the world.
I told her that I wish her peace and the best, but I am sending her CD (It’s already in a cardboard mailer–photo type one.), but I don’t desire to see her and that she thinks that it’s fine to let someone run with lies of omission for weeks, and then only say after you’ve hung out with someone for seven-weeks, but only just after you’ve had sex a few days, “I have let you believe something that is not true,” is completely lacking in accountability imho.
She said that: “I have let you believe something that is not true.” How is that not a lie? I told her that we don’t see things the same way, have nothing in common, and that I’m good on the friends front. I did also tell her that on the off-chance that I run into her, I will say hello and exchange pleasantries, but we don’t need to prearrange. After all, it’s me with the problem wanting someone to mean what she says and say what she means, and I don’t know, be honest.
Ready, set
I saw the best thing early this morning when I woke up to have a coughing fit. It was one of those Venn diagrams, which are often touted by educators, but it has three overlapping circles with “self” inside of it. It was in a blog. I had to post it. Captions at the tops of each of the circles talked about what people need from people in their lives. I’m paraphrasing here, because I closed my social media site after posting it–after all I’m in the mode to unplug except for this activity. Self included: people who always make you smile, people who always teach you something new about the world, and people who you want to spend the rest of your life with, which applied to self, which was actually the word “you” on the diagram. That’s it.
I’m pairing down. I only kept non-close people in this first round of unfriending from my church community, because you do see them every Sunday, and could wind up cleaning up their yards and doing food drives for them. Plus, not to be homocentric, but it’s something that I’ve noticed over the last 18-months, they would do anything for my son. Tons would show up if he were sick, and probably some of them who I have never said a word to or even made eye contact. I think because many of them never wound up having kids, they love the few kids who attend church. Some of them know who I am too. As an example, a guy and his boyfriend grabbed me as I was exiting the large liquor store that is part of the local grocery store that I use. He said, “We go to your church. We love to hear you read.” I don’t think that I’ve mentioned prior that I have a husky, radio voice. No clue who this guy is. But, connection would be extended in the other direction if he or his bf were sick or something. You help people in your community.
I don’t want former colleagues who don’t keep up with my son on there. I don’t want people who don’t have similar values on there. I don’t want any exes on their except for my second girlfriend, who I lived with for three years in college. She is barely bi. I am the only woman who she has had sex with, and she has two kids, a straight marriage, a great career, and lives 350-miles away from me, because I went to college out of state. She also relentlessly teases me, has known me 20-years this fall, and will “get” me on some levels that new people just won’t. Of course, my ex-husband is also on there, but shit, I’ve known him 19-years this fall, and we share a child. He doesn’t really get himself on the whole, but he is part of my life. My ex-gf from college falls in the “make me smile,” and “someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with.”
Church girl never wrote back. I recall, I believe that she promised to call after our first date as well, and never did that–although, I did have to cancel our second date. I don’t think that she’s consistent. That’s something that I am. I’m also willing to work hard and see things through. Please recall that I wrote the apology to her more for me, because I wanted her to know what truly was bad timing and that I believe she will have peace, prosperity, and a wonderful girl in the future. Her first partner died. I don’t know how. But, we are not dating, and I made my honest, authentic olive branch.
My ex cannot always make me smile. Mostly because interactions with people is chess with her. She must control all moves. My ex taught me 4 new lessons about the world. I thanked her for those the before the last time that I saw her. My ex is not someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with. I’m glad that we dated, she left good lessons for me, but I don’t want to see her or seek her out.
I’m really ready to move forward. I’m so good on my own and can chill with friends in three to four hour intervals any day of the week. They are my family. I have a beautiful son. Our dog is very sweet. I have kept my house and my car and have stayed afloat amidst pay cuts and huge health insurance hikes. I’m set for a future, and very much looking forward to the next steps on this journey.
S squared
That is kind of an inside joke too, because I have had two girls with the EXACT same initials as each other; although I dated them 4-years apart. They both liked “squaring” their names too. Anyway, I woke up on Friday morning before 1 and my throat was completely on fire. It made working very difficult yesterday. I don’t like working sick, but I had specific duties yesterday so couldn’t have missed barring a bone break or the like.
I can’t go to Boot Camp this morning, because I’m still sore in the throat, and my chest hurts. I’m way better though and went back to sleep this morning and slept until 7. I feel like a different person in comparison to last night though. This pattern happened last right before my two-week vacation in December. I was sicker than hell that Friday night and got better by sleeping a ton. I was soooo sick. I did the same thing as now and that was get a ton of sleep to rid myself of it. I had just a week earlier told my ex that I couldn’t approximate dating with her back in December… It was a week before this winter started.
The second s is snow! It’s doing it again. I’m so glad. If it would do it once a week through mid-April, we could get some water into our reservoirs. I’m just going to hope for that. I don’t want my climbing season to be shitty. I don’t want to look west and see smoke and have the hills and mountains be obscured. I know that is the natural cycle of things, but I want to raise my son where we have real seasons and definitely this beautiful snow. Yay.
She texted me twice yesterday. I didn’t text her back, but when I got done with clients, I found the original article that I had read which gave her the answer to one of the texts that she had sent. I wrote the word (answer) in the subject line and attached the article link. We are NOT BFF. There are so many reasons for that too, which I shall list here:
- We didn’t work as partners because she criticizes and controls
- I have TONS of friends who I simply have a good “show-up” factor in terms of our relationships
- I don’t want to drive up there. The peak that she lives next to is not one that I ever want to climb, and there are PLENTY of places to snowshoe here
- When I talk to her, there is very little joy that is emitted from her… She may laugh once or twice, but is really serious
- I can’t think of anything that she complained about me that wasn’t something that she was, in fact, doing
- My son doesn’t miss her, but misses her son
- She would benefit from finding peace, but tranquility is not typically found in interactions with your ex
- We don’t see the demise of our relationship in the same way
- We don’t find the same types of people fascinating, and her friends are not very funny less the girl who introduced us
- She didn’t love me enough to learn strategies to resolve conflicts, alternate driving, or do something on a date that I thought of or planned
So, no thanks. We are cool, but we are not friends. We don’t have interactions with people in the same way, and I seek happiness, laughter, and connection. I don’t feel happy around her, and I’m no longer connected to her. My shrink said it’s because she gets scared, but I don’t intimidate or compete with others, so I’m not the scary one frankly.
Steps
So, I don’t think that the girl from church will go out with me. That’s fine, because I probably present to her like a cautionary tale. Let’s rewind. After the tragedy that took place this summer, we were at a prayer service together. That’s because on occasion, I had been looking at her across church and I thought that she was cute, but at the time, which was last spring, I was trying to sort out my shitty relationship, but was still very much in love with my ex. Post-it note that one. It’s an important key to me and who I am.
This past summer I did not sleep with my ex. In fact I did not sleep with my ex for three months, and then we reconnected for two months and slept together outside of the context of relationship until winter began. I have been single (COMPLETELY) this winter. I am proud of that, because I have mindfully and with lots of reflection moved through our break-up. I have also gotten to a point wherein I am not consciously looking for anyone. I honestly believe that a girl will cross my path.
Flashback to summer: After the regular church service ended, I talked to this girl finally. We had a good conversation, and then she told one of the transgirls in the congregation and one of her good friends that she was going to sit with me. We attended a prayer service. I had been sleeping with Peter Pan a bit, but when her bullshit / lies unraveled and she got clingy, I told her that this was not the stuff of slow, getting to know you dating. I bounced. So, I figured since I did, I’d ask out the girl from church. I did.
We had a great first date. We walked from church to a neighboring park. We ate homemade pasta salad and summer fruits and drank sparkling water. We walked around the park several times, and unfortunately she got blisters 😦 Then I walked her back to her car and told her that I’d like to see her two weeks from now and have a drink. At the time, I didn’t know that she was a recovering alcoholic. I don’t know all of her story; although, I do know a lot about her. Anyway, I told her that I had a great time, and then I embraced her. She pulled me closer and then pressed her abdomen on mine. I’m pretty sure that she wanted me to kiss her, but Peter Pan took a lot out of me the month before. I no longer trust girls who I don’t know. I pulled away–I didn’t even put my face in her neck–and then she grabbed my bicep and also ran her hand down my arm. That was clear.
Then, my ex did a powerplay that week and came down for dinner so we could “talk.” Fuck? Yes. I tried really hard those two months, and didn’t talk to the girl from church on the phone again until October. She also knows that my ex has historically driven me nuts. She probably won’t go out to dinner with me. I get it.
I really don’t need any friends. There are several who I miss so much and who I don’t get to see. One of whom has four kids, and is really the sole supporter of them, so I really do have to come to her. I don’t though. I haven’t seen her since October either.
Back to one of my values. I’m monogamous. Shane was not when I met her, and honestly that didn’t matter all summer that we had sex. At that point in my life–I was newly out and 34–I didn’t care to have a girlfriend and just wanted an FB. Sleeping with Shane has lots of benefits. She gives, which is unique for a woman like me who had two str8 girl gf’s as a adolescent. And she is very good at what she does. However, once you have slept with Shane for some time, it gets perfunctory. It always works because Shane is after all pretty much a sex addict, but it lacks spontaneity and connection. The sad thing about Shane is that she always used to say to me, “Don’t fall in love with me.” She said that all summer and then for about four months that winter that we reconnected. However, she stopped saying it when we went to NM. Because she fell in love with me.
That was pretty consuming. To have Shane fall in love with you! So, I tried with her, because I am monogamous and because having a girl like that fall for you certainly gave me lots of pause. Plus, she told me in NM that I was the best lover that she ever had. She still says that to this day, and talks about missing our sex life. I won’t ever sleep with her again, because we were really just a summer fling.
I didn’t care who Shane was sleeping with the summer that we met. Later in winter when she reconnected with me on NYD and told me, “I’ve missed you so much. I have never stopped thinking about you,” I thought that we could just date. No, Shane also loved the love triangle. I told her in a letter the following summer (after we had known each other a year) that she really liked juggling two women, and that it was highly unlikely that you could meet your one in a bar. I wrote, “You liked the Pepsi Challenge of the triangle. I.E. “Let me service her, and then get my needs met.” She didn’t like that and just went off on me. That’s my thing really.
If I say something to a girl that is my belief, why can’t she just say, “I get that you see it that way, and here is my perspective.” I even talked to Bette about my trying hard, but it was not enough because it left her feeling that I had zero compassion. That’s her perspective. My being the sole driver, making meals, tending to her boy occasionally (I love him so much.) while she showered or whatever, making pictures, writing out cards, and just shutting up and holding her was not enough. To her, I lacked compassion, was creepy, negative and selfish. Although, I don’t get why she’d feel that way about me, but I do honor that is her perspective of who I am. In that case, it means that we should not have a connection anymore. I don’t know anyone who thinks that when I make efforts, that is who I am.
I have taken to writing to a mystery girl in pen at night before I go to bed. I’d like to meet a new girl. So, I write about good hugs, good conversation, passion, and connection. I don’t write about good conflict resolution skills, but I think that those are of value too. Can you call in your one by putting out intentions to her?
REAL day off
I got tons of sleep last night, as did my son. The client who I was supposed to conduct an in-home intake with is not getting back to me, so I think that we will just clean some this morning and then take our dog out. Hopefully, my colleague will bring her kids and meet us at a huge park which we frequent. (I can’t wait until it is warmer so we can bike there too.) Then, because he is in a decent mood, I will just give him my phone to play “Angry Birds” on and also bring his workbooks and supplies while I work out there.) Yay! I love getting sleep and having clarity.
Pulled muscle or whatever aside, I did 30-minutes of cardio last night and cannot wait for my A Day weights today. I should slightly rephrase… I don’t actually like lifting, but the results are wonderful short and long-term. We add this 30-second trial of a core exercise that looks like running cow bells to our C Day this week, so we will hurt more. However, we will look very good this summer. I’m not going to lie that I am already thinking about what to wear during the 5Ks that I do in April. I like feeling good and meeting new people.
When you wake up and you are really refreshed–meaning that you actually can feel completely rested–you seem able to tackle whatever is needed. I think that I’ll finish this cup, eat some food, and take a shower. I want to clean my office and then get ready to go over to the park and rec center. Today is going to be a great day off, and I just know that I’ll be ready to do homework and get ready for my week.
I did manage to forget that I was supposed to see my shrink today, so I guess that means that I don’t need appointments right now, as I typically look forward to them. It’s funny that I don’t need to see her unless I’m in a position of not wanting a relationship that I am in. Right now there isn’t even a slight prospect and I feel fine. Broke, but fine. So maybe that means that as soon as I want to see her, it’s because I know where I am, how I’ve gotten here, but in the past three-years have been with two different women who were not willing to meet me there. So, it’s time to meet tons of girls and see where their journeys have taken them, and hope that one’s path coincides with my own.
Adjustments
I recall when my ex and I didn’t hook up for three-months that by the end of the second month, I really wanted some arms around me and some sex. I told my psychologist (who I pay) that I won’t be getting into that pattern anymore because of the little liar. It was unsettling that she kept truths from me craftily. Although it would be nice to sleep with someone, I’d rather it be someone who I really know.
I get that takes time. It takes a year. But, conversations about what you want and value can organically develop especially when alcohol is not involved and the convo takes place in the daylight. So, no more than 2 beers and alternating getting together for dinner and for hikes or bike rides, I think. I’m not a skier or boarder, so that makes some girls not want to be with me. However, I do love music. In the middle of winter you don’t tend to think about outdoor concerts, but those are really fun too.
We hiked and sledded yesterday. My friend who accompanied me so I had help with our dog and my son, played a bunch of songs in the car that her love interest had sent her electronically. (She is 12-years younger than me, so I noted gone are the days of the mix tape. And of course I used to synch my ex’s iPod monthly.) My friend has started a distance “something” with a guy who lives on the east coast. She was happy and a good pair of extra hands to have while my son sledded and we waited to hike.
Today friends are coming down for a couple of quiches, hashbrowns, and salad. They have two kiddos. I’ve known them 18-years. I think that we will have fun.
I had this running argument with my ex that I ran by my psychologist, and that is that you can tell a lot about a girl by the way that she treats and responds to her friends. She agreed with me and said that just knowing a woman’s friends is good information, but my ex always said that stakes are way too high in love relationships so it’s not comparable. My ex thought that quality of friendships and feedback that you get from your friends has no relationship to your love relationship. Even her best friend in the world was one who she would talk smack about, and I could never understand that because she would do anything for my ex. You don’t have to agree with a person’s choice of partner, but it makes hanging out in pairs much easier. So I thought about that this morning–meaning who your friends decide to marry or co-habitate with and it’s effect.
I think that I could ignore a partner who doesn’t treat my friend well. In fact, I pretty much do. My best friend who lives locally and is a woman, has a husband who is literally never home and doesn’t seem to make the kids clean up or do any chores. There is more to it too, but I just give him a hug and move on, because I’m not married to him. My ex says underhanded things directly to the face of her best friend’s partner–one that I could quote was a crack about being overweight. Another time, because she is incredibly quick, she said a disarmingly mean thing that let her best friend’s partner know that she was intelligent. I think my ex lives to make others uncomfortable when her insecurities are taped. There were also those miserable dog walks that we took wherein she’d scream at her dog because she was conducting smell fests more than walking. She also used to throw the leash down. I definitely get that type of response!
Like I did last summer, I’m adjusting to being single. However, I’m different because when we tried late summer to see (just the months of our bdays), and she started her fickle dance of breaking plans when she wanted to and then unloading on me when it hurt my feelings, I just bailed. Then when she said we weren’t priorities in each other’s lives and I lost it, she did a great job of not yelling back at me, but upon reflecting, she only was calm because she had never seen my lose my temper. The latter is not pretty. I’m done, done now. I’m productive and using schedules and getting organized for the final legs of my doc too. I think that when you tell a woman that you don’t want to approximate dating anymore, you have really ended it. When I didn’t go to her party at the beginning of last month, I think that caused her to move even further from me. So, then like she does with friends, she said things that sit oddly and then hurt later.
I definitely need to use my skills of observation when I start dating. Having one girl who checked her watch and the another reflect on how feminine her ex was while I was next to them naked, has left me cautious to say the least. I still want a girl who wants to be with me.
New feelings
I didn’t feel like I do now after my coming out affair ended, and I definitely didn’t feel this way after I ended it with the drunk. Then I was ecstatic, which wasn’t all that good because I started communicating with my ex pretty close to right afterward. I need some down time to just reflect on what I want before I date again. I didn’t do that last time around, which is why they were both controllers, addicts in their own ways, and not communicative.
I need to be outside. I need to laugh like I did tonight. I need stimulation and connection like I had over coffee. I need to be attracted to a girl and for her to find me attractive too, so we can have that chemical hit when we connect. I learned today while reading some research that when you get away, vary your routine, or add a lot of laughs and ease that you can have sex like you did in your first year within your ltr. That gives me hope. Also hopeful is that I have some new friends who deeply love each other and have been in an ltr for years. I want that. I don’t like the fade.
I also don’t like feeling sad. It’s finally completely over, and I know it. It’s different this time and we probably won’t see each other for a really long time. The latter is ok because then I’m hoping that her rage toward me has subsided somewhat.
I’m culpable only for not wanting to put up with ill treatment, but she’s not used to anyone challenging her or even disagreeing with her. I’ve watched her say, “He is pissing me off calling all the time. I think that he just needs me more than I do him,” about her best friend, and I have seen her have periods of silence with her manager wherein it just has to blow over because she does not budge or try to talk through work conflicts. That’s what she’s used to. In fact, I recall when we were working in a couple’s book that she had never been broken up with ever anyway. And I didn’t really break up with her, because she started this dance over a year ago and I just buckled and started agreeing with her after three-months of break-ups.
Being pushed away just is deadly. I was so demoralized for so long and really wondering why I was such a bad person? I do think that you can be mismatched with someone, but really I do think that some people just naturally find faults. I don’t want that because I really have a belief that everyone is doing the very best that she or he can with what they’ve got. That belief includes me, because I always try the very best that I’m able.
My place
So, I went out with a friend last night, and I really wish in most ways that I had known that my best friend was hosting a karaoke night, because that is much more my speed, but I did get some insights from the friend with whom I spent last evening. It really is great to have so many friends who work in mental health. She told me that our relationship has the perpetual flavor of “I will leave you first.” I can honestly say that I have never done that with a girl, so it is spurned by a super shitty dynamic that only she and I create. I get that she has a control and abandonment flavor, but no matter how sexy she is, I must not take her back. If I see her again and she has been sexually untoward, I must say, “I will definitely see you. Here are the three names for psychologists and social workers that I have. Phone screen them and tell me where to meet you or trust me and I will make the appointment.” That has to be it.
Additionally, I know in the bottom of my heart that she is interested in the woman with whom I will have a playdate and probably a couple of others who actually live in her county. I am intuitive, and she would not continue to ride my ass about “someone” if she didn’t have a woman closer than I who is a prospect. I am not going to text–something that I’m good at–and I have changed my mind about sending a letter asking for counseling. She, of course, emailed yesterday, and I wrote that I would go to couples’ counseling with her in a heartbeat, but ironically there is not time. And there isn’t! Like I always say, “We are not aging in reverse!”
Self of Therapist
OK, it is finally D-day because someone who calls you a big baby when she hurts your feelings is not your partner… So, I have to ask her why she went from it will be great to see you to, let’s play it by ear to, save gas and let’s see if we can work tomorrow out.
- She told me that it was because she wanted free time with her son like I was currently having and that then when she heard that I’d be closer to her Sunday see if that could work out, but without me re-arranging
Translation: I want to control whether or not you get to see me, and I’m much more interested in connecting with this other woman who you live to close to, because I was attracted to her initially, and want to know who you live by and possibly will spend time with at times.
I have to ask her lots of questions.
- I, in fact, asked her few questions, and when she said, “I know who you’ll date next and I will send the name to you in an envelope,” I told her openly that I’m interested in the engineer and she LOST it. I am honest, I don’t regret it, and although my interest is not sexual at this point, and I can acknowledge that I still am in love with my ex, I am intrigued by the engineer and very attracted to her stability.
When did she go from in just a short time I love you and your son and want to say move in here and enroll him at the local elementary?
- I couldn’t ask her this questions, because she only sees that we trigger each other and continues not to acknowledge her back and forth with me.
How does she see our fights?
- She doesn’t think that we fight all of the time even when I told her that it follows a monthly cycle.
Why do you pull away from me when things get intense or scary for you?
- She said that she didn’t consciously this time when she had her health scare and if not talking and then changing plans last minute is not pulling away, then we don’t see emotional connection in the same way at all.
Why did she say that she couldn’t go to therapy after reflecting for six-weeks because she didn’t want anybody to poke around in her head?
- I didn’t ask this question either, but if you have read any of the entries that I wrote from winter, I think that you know the answer, because I certainly do. I also want to point out that it is snowing today, and so I get the whole cycle now.
Why does she continue to say what our friendship could look like if that’s not really what she was focusing on, because it felt like that is what she wanting?
- I have that answer too. Because she doesn’t want a friendship. I have hateful texts and have been blocked from her social media and also from her cell phone, I am sure, because she told me that she was going so.
So, what have I learned? I am capable of deep, connected love. I like to keep in the tip top physical shape. I give second, third, and many chances because I am adaptable. I really had grieved our relationship toward the end of last spring. I had gotten very intrigued by how different she had appeared in August and was quite hopeful, but that hope started to fade quickly when I realized that we would be back in our monthly cycle. What is interesting to me is that when I blocked the drunk, it was because she threatened my life, and I am blocked because I threaten her heart. It is too bad that we can’t be friends, but it is just as well that our relationship completely ended in a clean manner.
Return 