So, I don’t think that the girl from church will go out with me. That’s fine, because I probably present to her like a cautionary tale. Let’s rewind. After the tragedy that took place this summer, we were at a prayer service together. That’s because on occasion, I had been looking at her across church and I thought that she was cute, but at the time, which was last spring, I was trying to sort out my shitty relationship, but was still very much in love with my ex. Post-it note that one. It’s an important key to me and who I am.
This past summer I did not sleep with my ex. In fact I did not sleep with my ex for three months, and then we reconnected for two months and slept together outside of the context of relationship until winter began. I have been single (COMPLETELY) this winter. I am proud of that, because I have mindfully and with lots of reflection moved through our break-up. I have also gotten to a point wherein I am not consciously looking for anyone. I honestly believe that a girl will cross my path.
Flashback to summer: After the regular church service ended, I talked to this girl finally. We had a good conversation, and then she told one of the transgirls in the congregation and one of her good friends that she was going to sit with me. We attended a prayer service. I had been sleeping with Peter Pan a bit, but when her bullshit / lies unraveled and she got clingy, I told her that this was not the stuff of slow, getting to know you dating. I bounced. So, I figured since I did, I’d ask out the girl from church. I did.
We had a great first date. We walked from church to a neighboring park. We ate homemade pasta salad and summer fruits and drank sparkling water. We walked around the park several times, and unfortunately she got blisters 😦 Then I walked her back to her car and told her that I’d like to see her two weeks from now and have a drink. At the time, I didn’t know that she was a recovering alcoholic. I don’t know all of her story; although, I do know a lot about her. Anyway, I told her that I had a great time, and then I embraced her. She pulled me closer and then pressed her abdomen on mine. I’m pretty sure that she wanted me to kiss her, but Peter Pan took a lot out of me the month before. I no longer trust girls who I don’t know. I pulled away–I didn’t even put my face in her neck–and then she grabbed my bicep and also ran her hand down my arm. That was clear.
Then, my ex did a powerplay that week and came down for dinner so we could “talk.” Fuck? Yes. I tried really hard those two months, and didn’t talk to the girl from church on the phone again until October. She also knows that my ex has historically driven me nuts. She probably won’t go out to dinner with me. I get it.
I really don’t need any friends. There are several who I miss so much and who I don’t get to see. One of whom has four kids, and is really the sole supporter of them, so I really do have to come to her. I don’t though. I haven’t seen her since October either.
Back to one of my values. I’m monogamous. Shane was not when I met her, and honestly that didn’t matter all summer that we had sex. At that point in my life–I was newly out and 34–I didn’t care to have a girlfriend and just wanted an FB. Sleeping with Shane has lots of benefits. She gives, which is unique for a woman like me who had two str8 girl gf’s as a adolescent. And she is very good at what she does. However, once you have slept with Shane for some time, it gets perfunctory. It always works because Shane is after all pretty much a sex addict, but it lacks spontaneity and connection. The sad thing about Shane is that she always used to say to me, “Don’t fall in love with me.” She said that all summer and then for about four months that winter that we reconnected. However, she stopped saying it when we went to NM. Because she fell in love with me.
That was pretty consuming. To have Shane fall in love with you! So, I tried with her, because I am monogamous and because having a girl like that fall for you certainly gave me lots of pause. Plus, she told me in NM that I was the best lover that she ever had. She still says that to this day, and talks about missing our sex life. I won’t ever sleep with her again, because we were really just a summer fling.
I didn’t care who Shane was sleeping with the summer that we met. Later in winter when she reconnected with me on NYD and told me, “I’ve missed you so much. I have never stopped thinking about you,” I thought that we could just date. No, Shane also loved the love triangle. I told her in a letter the following summer (after we had known each other a year) that she really liked juggling two women, and that it was highly unlikely that you could meet your one in a bar. I wrote, “You liked the Pepsi Challenge of the triangle. I.E. “Let me service her, and then get my needs met.” She didn’t like that and just went off on me. That’s my thing really.
If I say something to a girl that is my belief, why can’t she just say, “I get that you see it that way, and here is my perspective.” I even talked to Bette about my trying hard, but it was not enough because it left her feeling that I had zero compassion. That’s her perspective. My being the sole driver, making meals, tending to her boy occasionally (I love him so much.) while she showered or whatever, making pictures, writing out cards, and just shutting up and holding her was not enough. To her, I lacked compassion, was creepy, negative and selfish. Although, I don’t get why she’d feel that way about me, but I do honor that is her perspective of who I am. In that case, it means that we should not have a connection anymore. I don’t know anyone who thinks that when I make efforts, that is who I am.
I have taken to writing to a mystery girl in pen at night before I go to bed. I’d like to meet a new girl. So, I write about good hugs, good conversation, passion, and connection. I don’t write about good conflict resolution skills, but I think that those are of value too. Can you call in your one by putting out intentions to her?