Monthly Archives: January 2023

by

Quickie

Nope.

I had a ton of fun at dodgeball. I did get hit in the butt, and it stung! Then, I got hit the face, which was really sucky. Then I saw my fifth penis. Yikes. I went outside and changed into a long sleeved shirt in my car and realized that I’d left my water bottle on the court. It’s so, so cold, so that much in and out of cars and buildings made me have to pee, and I went to do that and the ref was peeing. Embarrassing. Terrifying.

I went to the cowboy bear bar and talked with a woman on the opposing team. It was so cool because I worked at her school in 2009! She’s like a success story. She got out of a terrible neighborhood, was never parented and really raised her brother. We had a great talk, and her teammates were very cool. I don’t have many gay guy friends because sometimes they act strangely effeminate which strikes me as disingenuous or they get loaded and feel you up. Then they say that they just like breasts and aren’t into you. I don’t like that. No problem on Sunday night though and I had fun. Our team manager actively flirts with me. She is a good hugger. She is really overweight and a child though, so definitely not a love interest.

I told my other colleague who does a similar job to me that I keep getting hit on by men when I ate lunch with her yesterday. That was much of the night when we had to move venues Saturday for our prowl. She told me that I should basically switch hit. I said that I have only ever seen 5 penises and love men, and it’s not a sexual thing for me. I don’t think that she understands, which is fine.

I think that the climber has missed over three-days of work. She really hasn’t worked a ton in January. She must be hot and heavy with a new partner. I know that she doesn’t sleep much. Again, I wouldn’t have gone out of my way to interact with her yesterday anyway, but it’s odd how she was gone an extra day for her birthday weekend, we didn’t work mid-week that week anyway, and then missed Thursday, Friday and Monday. If she’s now sick, that is really sick. When I was in my twenties, I used to get sick and missed work. I’ve rarely missed any work at all in the last 8-years. My immune system is really good too. I attribute much of that to this:

I also take a multivitamin and 4300 grams daily of high grade fish oil. I think those are my sweet spot. Did you know that fungus covers our earth? Taking an immune enhancing mushroom blend is honestly helpful. Watch this TED talk if you’re incredulous:

Blew my mind.

I don’t miss work, because I don’t get sick. I’ve never had COVID although I’ve had super direct exposure. I like good food, sleep and exercise too, which likely helps. I’m getting so excited to meet women next week and be away from work. I’m going to cook on Sunday afternoon and bring food to work on Monday to thank staff for actively screening kids for mental health problems that we can address. It will be a nice way to kick off my week next week, and then it’s four-days of convention! Woo-hoo.

by

Other topics

I was in our group consultation via videoconference for a new modality that I’m hoping to receive certification, and got a text from a woman who is recently divorced who was in the consultation with me. I know her through an intern that I supervised in 2011-2012. She is really sarcastic, and an angry vegan. Do you know what an angry vegan is? They make it their entire identity. However, she’s a newer climber and probably way better than me, but she texted that she’s getting on the wall this next week, so we’re going to go climbing. Attraction to her would never grow, but I am so glad to have someone that I can belay and watch so I can go up routes. That is something that I’ve mentioned helps me to get up a route. Also, now I’ll have to learn the gris gris.

I went to the art show. It was really cool. I was sleepy though so a little encumbered. A man asked if he could join me at the standing table and he was fun to talk to, but I knew after he returned with a another drink that he’d ask more questions about me and it would become a thing. Fortunately, a woman who also sings with my best friend was sitting down with her boyfriend and a couple of lesbians and had an open seat. Why are men hitting on me all the time now? I think that I’m going to have a samurai ponytail when I go out in mixed company to expose my undercut–particularly when I’m in a dress and heels. My boss bought me a drink, but it was our domestic version of an IPA, and their products give me headaches. I do better with small batch and microbrews. The concert and native dancing was phenomenal. I went through a drive through and got a grass-fed hamburger and chili cheese fries. I’m not a vegan, and don’t think that I’m angry.

I slept well three nights this week. I have a sweet spot of understanding. When my mood is semi-hideous, I need to stay up later than usual. So, I’ll do planks, stretching and a short meditation. I need to see that now that I don’t pay for Amazon music if I can still get a listen for a 2-7 minute program that was simple and really good. I’ve not found something comparable on Spotify. If anyone has a recommendation for what I could listen to in my Pixel buds while planking and then stretching, please comment or email me here.

My son is still lying. He’s only taken the GED Math Practice test. That means that I have to endure the wrath today while he takes Language Arts and do the same pattern before dodgeball tomorrow for either Science or Social Studies. I will buy him something for his future guitar if he takes the final one on Monday while I’m at work. He also talked to his ex-girlfriend for hours last night and was going to get back with her. Mind you after she blew up his other ex-girlfriend’s Dad’s birthday party he was “never speaking to her again.” I need to help him with a friendship with her. She can’t come to our house anymore under the guise of friendship though. She’s a sweet kid, but beyond manipulative and really unhealthy mentally and physically.

I’m prowling tonight. At 8, I am dropping off my son at his Dad’s apartment. I am packing gloves and his big down jacket so he can walk home. It won’t get even near the freezing mark for two-days given La Niña. I’m going to work with him today and watching his team play and then I’m going to use the machines and make sure that he does cardio. He skipped Monday, because he has a cold. He caught a cold because he vapes and is overweight and has shitty sleep hygiene. That latter is post-COVID and hasn’t shifted. When he was an athlete he slept 7-13 hours. The latter was after a weekend of sometimes 11 basketball games.

There are some really cute ladies on the other dodgeball teams. I need to get close to them to make sure that they’re in their mid-thirties. I just can’t be serious about conversations with anyone under 35. It makes me feel like I’m chilling with a high school-aged client and that is super creepy and skeeves me out completely.

I had a weird dream about my ex-wife Thursday night. I can’t remember it now and had to be at work super early all week and worked to nearly five after being there at seven-fifteen on Friday. If I have a dream that I want to reconsider, I write it down my hand while still in bed, but had to work too much this week, so I don’t remember it.

My lead at my main site likes to schedule complicated meetings all in one week. It makes my life and another specialist’s life hellish. She also is a little simple. The other specialist said something that caused me to laugh until I cried and I could no longer stand. Our lead doesn’t read very well or pronounce things well, and also has a tendency to suddenly not understand legal procedures for some complicated meetings. It’s an odd presentation. Likely induced by stress. Anyway, the other specialist who was incidentally my pickleball partner last fall was talking about some procedures and our manager being confused and she said, “It’s just exhausting. I can’t keep up with all the fucking stupidity.” I told her that I was glad that I wasn’t wearing eye makeup because I would have had it everywhere, and I also had lung butter for the better portion of the day from laughing so hard after she said that. It went in my 2023 quotations cell phone file. Also, in there is, “Would you ever date _____? She does all that white people shit.”

My colleagues keep me sane. I’m really lucky. I make good money and love so many of them.

by

Writing helps

I know that I had written that I read “Opening Up.” Through writing and also processing some trauma, people experienced alleviation of symptoms according to the professor and researcher. Now when we work with people we teach them a ton of mindfulness, relaxation, and sometimes biofeedback before we process anything significant. The exception is when you have someone come in your office in an acute stress state or fully panicked and then you ground them fairly directedly, and allow them enough time and space to tell the whole story. You can also have them rate how it feels to tell it with totally freaked “10” and calm “1.” You can have them tell the story a few times too to hopefully desensitize the heightened emotional state. I have life circumstances that are in a low state of stress all the time, so I just have to ventilate a little. I talk a bit about stress and write way more.

Last night my colleague who almost died was talking to me about work and when we got to my son’s best friend’s house, I hung up the call. I called her last night while I was lifting weights. She’s a mess. I think that three-years ago her own stuff got really flared up when a client of ours was murdered. It was grisly and all over the news too. Her father had chosen to come to her house to die just a year prior, and the man who raised her just died of cancer. Way, way, way too much. That’s why she was suicidal. I told her, “______, I am your solid friend. I’m pretty basic (I didn’t explain that it wasn’t in the white Adidas, yoga pants, carrying a Hydroflask way because she’s a Gen X’er too–actually I’m 6-weeks older than her.), and never do anything weird. You can count on me to always be the same.” She stopped crying eventually and calmed down. Hopefully, she slept ok.

After my brother was killed and I was in the hospital, my mother had fielded all kinds of phone calls and read letters from 8th grade kids who were my “best friend.” I know that the woman who I prowl with once monthly also calls me her “best friend.” My ex-wife always told me that I’m so much of a better friend than a partner. It’s all pretty interesting to me.

Even the climber said, “Have you always been this confident?” I told her no, and especially was not in my thirties. That’s true. I used to try to hard. I can read my writing from 2011 – 2013 and see all kinds of over extensions and frankly silly shit that I used to do. Glad it’s over and likely has come with age. Speaking of which, I put it out there that I’m still wickedly attracted to her on Monday with talking about the blue hue match of her eyes to her sweater, and that she has a memory of me in my underwear. Because she’s busy, and likely it’s with new partners, I’m going to just work with her a bit and say “Hi,” if our paths cross in the hall or copy room. Otherwise, I’m not going to initiate a conversation with her again. That’s more firm than my simply saying that I won’t ask her out. Come to me if you’d like, as you know where to find me.

I’ll see the photographer on Friday. I really hope that she just says, “Hello,” and catches up with me. I don’t want to hug her or do anything which involves a mixed message. We all have an art demo and music performance from my best friend’s singing partner. My best friend gets back from a month in Asia next week. She won’t be at the museum for this artistic experience. My Boss will at about 7 or 7:30, and she was shocked that I don’t have a date. I told her that I don’t chase. And, again, she said, “Wow. That is impressive.” I guess confidence is sometimes attractive and other times surprising.

I think that in entries from 10-years ago I talked about next year starting my easy part of life. A Vedic Astrologer told me that during a 2.5-hour reading that I paid for. I also had my friend who is coming in two weeks for convention do a distance reading through her mother probably 12-years ago. She told my friend that I wasn’t through the difficult part of my life. I think that Dad dying in 2020, Mom dying in 2021, my divorce in 2022 and my son dropping out this year are all trying. I think, too, that these circumstances have been helpful. Writing about them has made them more easy to process.

by

Look back on three-days

I was scared of dodgeball. Wham! HUGE gay guys winging the balls against concrete. Everyone was 10-20 years younger than me. Wow. Why did I sign up? I got better as it went on and in our last loss I nailed a guy and it bounced off him, but one of his teammates caught it. Damn. I was the last one on our side. I didn’t go to the bar afterward, but may next Sunday. It’s difficult because I work on Mondays pretty early and have to leave at 7:20. I am going to practice with my son this weekend.

Monday was nice. I went into her office and chatted with her. She noticed the red highlights and I told her that I had the undercut and just turned around and made her lift my hair to examine the mountains and the horizon. She petted the buzz too, which felt nice. I was standing over her desk for awhile too but one of the people who shares with her was there intially, and after that woman left, we talked more. I was wearing a fitted pink shirt. She kept looking at my breasts. I got a little charge out of that and noted it and was glad that I could meet her eyes well, which I can’t always do because then I kept noticing how much she was checking me out.

I worked all morning and then in the afternoon went back to her office. I said, “Your sweater matches your eyes,” and she looked down and smiled big. Then we talked a little she walked out of her office. We stood at the window at the end of the hallway together. We talked and talked. She had never used the ice tool that I had just tried, and said that she knows it’s safer because you don’t have anything sharp. I told her that I was bruised all up so couldn’t wear booty shorts to dodgeball given the bruising from crashing into the wall over and over and she laughed. We talked about work, and I said, “I was thinking that when I was presenting last week that I remembered that you need to imagine the audience in their underwear and wondered if it works in reverse? Except for you, you wouldn’t use imagination, it’s a memory.” She blushed a ton and I said, “Oh, good! That was the effect that I hoped to get–with you blushing,” and she said, “Well, it’s that the heart rate increases.” She was still red so I kept looking at her. She adjourned the conversation and went back to her office eventually, and my partner at work said at the end of the day, “I saw you two talking for a long time!” I didn’t say, it’s because _____ has seen me in my underwear. (Wonder when I’ll have the same thing with her?) I quickly saw some purple ones–she had to take off a base layer under her hiking pants–the night that became 3:40 in the morning of Halloween and the same night she lifted the back of her shirt and I kissed all around a purple sports bra on her sculpted back. However, after the ballet, I was in a bra and underwear for a couple hours in my bed.

I was walking home from the liquor store last week talking to my partner at work and she said, “Would you ever date _____? She does all that white people shit.” and I stopped walking for a second and said, “She’s cute, but she’s really, really busy, and does real outdoor stuff. I couldn’t keep up with much of the stuff that she does and she’s a real dance teacher and dancer. It was fun climbing with her. I certainly would be open to doing something with her again.” All that is true. Again, her ball, her court, and not asking her out again.

I was at work today and was pretty busy. During my mid-day obligation that I have daily at that site I was walking with one of my colleagues whom I adore and she said that she’d been out on two dates. We traded some stories. She’s my ex-wife’s age (three years younger than me). I asked her if she’d date a 32-year-old and she said, “Hell, yes.” I showed her the climber later (us at the ballet) and she said, “She’s cute!” I told her that in two weeks when I’m on convention that I was going to find her a 6’4″ Swedish skier that she can see weekends in Europe. We’re both newly divorced, don’t ever want to remarry, and agree with the appropriate STD testing protocol that you could love and be intimate with 2-3 partners. We both have side work and make good money and have one kid. She likes men. So, I’m going to find her more men for her circle. Not men from my dodgeball league :). She’s a cool person and we always laugh together. I told her that in addition to an STD talk, I don’t want to have sex with any woman whom I’m not in love with. I also told her that I know that I could be in love with 2-3 different women concurrently.

I slept like shit last night. Sunday night was good and last night was tough. My son is with his Dad tonight. He only has to take one more practice test for the GED and his scores have been so high that he doesn’t have to take the full test in a center and can do it at home as long as he does well on the last one that he has. He’s taking that Friday. I’m taking him and his best friend out to dinner tomorrow night. He turns 17.

I think that things could be getting a little easier in all respects. I’m hoping so.

by

Saturday

I took a class on the artificial wall again, and we used ice tools. Imagine a slanted hammer with a handle, and also some edges half up it and a movable leather loop. There isn’t a loyalty free simulated ice tool available so I drew it for you here and you must imagine trying to find ledge pieces on an artificial wall from which you attach the leather instead of using your hands. That meant that when I slung it onto a ledge piece on the wall and then stepped up and threw it to another piece I fell. Not gracefully. Boom. Hit my back, flail off and away. Simulated ice tools. Real fun.

I have drawn the simulated ice tool for you to view using the Paint App–you’re welcome

I had a ton of fun though. The instructor was the same main guy from the class that I took late summer and told the climber about. That means that since I’ve healed from my injuries, I have now had the same instructor for the same class and then this class with simulated ice tools from one of the instructors from the first outdoor class ever. When I retake his day and a half class this spring, I shall have come full circle. I should do well, and still want to try to climb weekly if possible. I like it and will likely get better. Just don’t know about simulated ice tools at this stage for me.

There were eventually three other students. I spent about an hour and half climbing and stayed there for 2.5 hours. The instructor is also a dancer and has mutual friends within the dance community with the climber. Small scene: dancing climbers. I told the instructor that she was my colleague and she is. I’ve just had three make-outs with this particular colleague.

I also redid my highlights and they’re legitimately red now and did two haircuts. Yes, two. Getting the undercut the way that I wanted it was a tall order. I’ll include a loyalty-free picture here for you of an undercut.

I have salt and pepper hair though

My new-to-me-salon-cosmetologist doesn’t have a barber’s license, so I had to go elsewhere to get my mountains. I have mountains in my undercut because I went to a Barber Shop and two guys worked on my mountains in the back of my hair in my undercut. The back of my hair is mostly dark brown while the front is pretty gray these days. I’ve actually been noticeably gray since 26, and my ex-wife “encouraged” me to go gray during COVID. The word is loose as it was more like, “I can’t believe that every three weeks you put plastic into the environment and rinse all that toxic shit down the drain. You have to dye it outside, because it’s giving me hives. Gray hair is sexy. You’re so rigid.” It’s highlighted now anyway and has been for two-months, and with the undercut, I think that I look badass.

I am fair to midland. I am super excited for dodgeball league that starts tomorrow night. Hopefully, it will be super social and improve my mood. Talking on the artificial wall today and to three different hair professionals was also fun.

On Thursday, I went to the bar and sat down at the bar. A girl asked to sit with me. She was cool and kind so I bought her GIGANTIC shot of Patron. I thought that she was Gen Z and she thought that was hilarious. I think that there are child millennials and just on the edge of Gen X millennials. She was on the child side. She wanted to buy me a drink and I declined. Anyone who reminds me of my son cannot buy me a drink. I owned “Hit me with Your Best Shot,” and then took myself out to sushi. It was fun.

I brought home takeout after my haircut and another errand. I am playing fortune cookie love life. Here is my closing:

by

Snowed in

I hope that my group therapy isn’t cancelled tonight. It may be. All government and city entities are closed today. When I got up this morning, I thought it was overblown, but now it’s steadily snowing again. It’s actually beautiful. I’ll shovel some of it shortly.

I want to get a few groceries and pick up my son’s meds. I’m getting his SSRI stockpiled so he can I can taper it when he’s more stable. I’ll go get his stimulant out of the nurse’s office at school so he can take one when he takes the GED practice test and one more when he takes the real thing. Then he’ll have to get another job. I am still upset that he blew one of them, as he could have had two nights and a weekend day going for his coaching, but at least his boss let him keep one gig. The season changes in April, so maybe he can coach three teams, and do some other piece work.

I have still been playing and singing, and doing some with him. He is really good at strumming. I’ve not practiced classical which I took in high school, so hitting alternating notes is pretty difficult for me and I want to sing and chord, but strumming patterns are difficult. He drummed while I played and sang last night and I want to make sure that when he’s not doing a closing shift that we keep doing that when it’s night. So fun for us and he’s a really good drummer. He had toyed with getting a 5-year music degree for awhile and did a university visit. I don’t know what he’ll wind up doing and it could take him some time. I don’t want to chime in anymore. I’m actually relieved that he is dropping out because when your kid doesn’t go to class, it’s incredibly burdensome. Seems pointless.

The climber texted me a couple times yesterday. It will be nice to see her on Friday. I still won’t ask her out though. That’s her ball and not mine.

I’ll text the photographer Happy Birthday tomorrow. I’d be shocked if in the next two months that she texted me to plan a bike ride. I won’t ever touch her again though.

I kiss my best friend every time I see her. I kiss her goodbye too. Most of my other friends are not ones that I hug because they give out that don’t hug me vibe. One thing that I actually loathe is the shitty hug. Do you know what a shitty hug is? You get kinda close and turn your head and then put your arms around the shoulders of the person that you’re “hugging” and pat. I think that I’d rather scrape a plate over and over with a metal fork. Why even try?

This explanation brings me to my friend and my new rules for the Prowl. We’re not sitting with each other anymore, but will rather reconvene. We’ll work the room and talk to women and then touch bases at the bar and not on the couch. I’m going to scan too and talk to women and then settle. For our first two Prowls we sat with each other. We need to rove and talk about it. I sat alone Sunday night at a different bar, and then got hit on by men. Not sure why because I had on a beanie with a rainbow flower stitched on it. When that article of clothing also got complimented by a man who just kept staring at me from his table full of friends, I just took it off completely. Men are certainly emboldened when they are having some drinks.

I’m going to lift weights at home today. I’m going to do bench, some strategic bicep work, and forearms.

I really need to recycle mail too. Ugh. I’m missing a therapy manual too, and don’t have any clue where it is. I paid to have it printed because it’s somewhat scripted and it was better to have it in a binder to use. It cost me a ton to print, and I need to find it. I think that I may have brought it to the class that I taught in February, so I wouldn’t have left it at the University, as I’m good about getting everything into cloth book bags when I tear down the room. It’s definitely not in the building that is my main site because I worked on the file cabinet there yesterday waiting for a contentious meeting. I had my colleagues go through stuff in my other building because we’re all doubled-up now and they didn’t find it, but I want to take a peek too. Can I just tell you how glad that I’ll be when I have my own office again?

I’m starving. I try to wait to eat 12-hours after I ate. My son and I watched two episodes of “Supernatural” after we jammed, and I was eating swiss cheese. Hahahaha. So funny. I’d made a homemade pot pie for dinner, but he and I had some wine that our neighbors made so I was hungry. I have to hold out about half an hour more before I make some pumpkin pancakes so it’s 12-hours apart.

The last thread in my mind is that I’m mad again. I actually almost called my ex-wife this weekend and then mentally talked myself off that ledge. It’s weird to spend 9-years with someone (and married for 8), and then they’re poof. It wouldn’t do any good though. I remember one time that she moved out and sent me the video link to “Mirror” by Justin Timberlake and said that I was the love of her life and we have to try. So, we tried, and tried, and tried, and tried. Chapter is closed, but I wanted to talk to her this weekend. She’s moved out permanently this time and lives two states away. It would be great if she was more stable now that she lives with her Mom. That’s the energy I’ll send.

by

Landed

On Friday night I taught and was done at 7, and I was really hungry. My son had been at the music studio and he had met his ex-girlfriend there. I really like her. I don’t like them together. She has poor health in all facets, so I think that he was drawn to her because of my ex-wife honestly who was also in poor health all around. Anyway, we went to dinner. The kids told me that they want to get back together and I said, “That’s not a good idea. You should be good friends, and _______, if you want to break up with ____ you should talk to her. It’s likely impulse and it’s comfortable seeing ___ again.” They listened and considered all of it. Her mother met us there and we hugged and chatted. She invited my son and I to family karaoke.

I did my walk Saturday. My colleague who tried to kill herself called me and we we talked awhile. I played guitar, I sent the required paperwork to the Bank Manager for the house, and cooked a bit. I took my car to get detailed because I want it very clean when women who are new to me go places with me, and then although it’s still pretty icy, I biked 7-miles to go shopping. I got some dog food, new jeans and finally found a red t-shirt. Why is it difficult to get a red t-shirt?

When I got home, I had really rough conversation with my son and found out that he had only been to a few classes in the last two weeks. His Calculus teacher reached out to me via text. He said that if I gave him $2 a day, he’d go to all his classes, and that sounded like a cheap way for me to preserve some sanity for what I call my jail sentence. I have just over a-year-and-half left with him here. He has to move out when he turns 18.5. He has a move out day. Then my son left to his current girlfriend’s house for her father’s birthday party. I fed my pets and did a little cleaning and took them on a nice walk. While playing guitar, I got a text from my son that he was coming home.

He’s dropping out. I think that he’ll pass the GED in his sleep. He’s so good at math and a good writer, and will just need to work off the study guide for Science and Social Studies, but for the latter he passed an Advanced Placement exam two school years ago doing nothing. It’s not that he isn’t bright. He can’t navigate social dynamics and now can’t go to class at all. It’s definitely upsetting. Not what you want for your child either. He has to get another job and doesn’t drive, so he’ll have to bike or walk to work. His ex-girlfriend messaged his current girlfriend during the birthday party and a mess ensued. Doors slammed, awkward whispering, and he came home. Suffice to say, I had shitty sleep Saturday night and Sunday was difficult.

I talked with my colleague who tried to kill herself–she’s a single mother too. I got a text from the wife of my ex who is dying, and she had to get two units of blood on Saturday night and they can’t find the bleed. I’m buying tickets for the end of March to NC, and am hoping to see her with my son. That may not be the timing and I’m distraught about it. And I drove to the Rec Center and added 15-20 lbs more than I’d been using on the machines. I was still in a hideous mood and tried two friends, and it went to VM. I walked a bit over a mile and drank my recovery drink. When I got back to the car his girlfriend texted me that my son had a “family iPhone.” I was shocked. I called my colleague who tried to kill herself. As I was driving back to my house, I kept her call in the pocket of my jacket. I went to his room and said, “_______, ____ texted me and I need the iPhone that she gave you.”

At the time, I never thought in a million years that parents would undermine MY parenting and not talk to me regarding a smart device as they knew that the flip phone was a consequence. I kept my colleague on the phone. I went to their house, put the phone on the porch and took a picture which I sent to the girlfriend’s Dad and Stepmother. He texted, “Thank u.” Are you kidding me? My son’s on a flip phone and subscription separate GPS! On what planet do you give a child a phone who’s had a phone for 7-years and doesn’t get to have technology in his room? Why is that your decision? I woke up my son, said it all made a lot of sense why it’s been easy for me to collect his district-provided laptop and flip phone at night, because he’s never had to stop using text and social media messaging. And what’s worse is that other parents made that decision for me.

Although my mood was only slightly less hideous, it was then horrific. I was vile. My son asked if he should move out and I told him no, but whenever his Dad can have him overnight that he should. I just need space. Not that a 17-year-old understands interfering in other people’s parenting, and her parents apparently handed over the phone to him “so it would be easier for him to text their daughter.” I told him that they have bizarre boundaries, and it’s not his girlfriend’s fault, but I have no trust in them and he’s not permitted to date her ever again while living with me. I got a text from his ex-gf’s mom saying that she would include me in the next family karaoke, but her daughter hasn’t been feeling well all day and she’s not going out with her friends. I thanked her. I hope that I do hear from her again, as she’s cool and that sounds so fun. Just before 7, my son’s Dad picked him up. I was in a hideous mood still. So, I went to a new karaoke bar and put my name in and sang. People at this venue were really good, so my first song was mid. My second song was wonderful. Too bad what was derivative of that was two guys hitting on me and one trying to buy me drinks. I was polite and declined, but then didn’t wait for my next rotation. I just went home. I slept like a rock last night. I feel so good today. I’ve landed.

I’ll text the climber happy birthday. She apparently wasn’t at work on Friday, so I’ll text her that I hope that meant that she wasn’t sick, but was rather extending her plans to add a day. I don’t think that she’ll text back. She’s been bad about that as of late. However, I do me and I’m conscientious and wish people Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday. I don’t chase, and won’t ask her out again. We shall see. She’s sexy and incredibly fun. She lives with five people though and they dance all the time and also do elite outdoor adventuring. Admirable for sure, but not something that someone can just simply join into and I wouldn’t want to do so. I’m up for a sing-a-long if that ever happens.

I’m NOT texting or calling the Photographer. After we get back from NC I’ll send her an email calendar notice for late afternoon some early April day so that we can walk through the house. That’s it.

I’ve had this situation happen before wherein things fizzle and then I have new experiences. The main difference now is that I’m not looking for an exclusive thing. Case in point is these two situations. One could be my crazy adventurer, and the other could be my coffee and hiking / biking companion. I would love to add a third too. Like a woman to traipse around a museum and go to live venues for music. I have what I want dialed in and won’t compromise anything.

  1. Honesty
  2. Independence
  3. Boundary
  4. Kindness
  5. Love big and with no limit

by

Cheer Up

I can climb! Honestly, I really can now. I did mention in an entry over vacation that I got up a route, and last night I’d paid for a 2.5-hour class that I had taken in 2015 or 2016 and retook in August. I gifted two slots also for Christmas to my son’s godparents and we did the class together. I’m also waaaay faster than I had been. I used the same method: watch someone go up to a place where I got stuck and then I could do the whole route. I also encouraged my son’s godparents and another woman who took the class. I can belay the shit out of someone on an ATC, but that gris gris thing freaks me out. I do need to practice tying the knot because at the end, I lose where I’m tracing. Maybe tonight I can go to Army Surplus and cut four-feet of rope. Then I’ll run a video off of “Outside Plus” to follow with the last leg of the trace. I think that I’ll take another intro class at some gym around here so that I can learn that gris gris which is what’s used inside. An ATC gives you a repelling option and I find it intuitive, but I’ve only used the gris gris personally one time. However, I can climb and want to learn more and more. I kinda pressured them to join a gym so we can go in threes. That was so fun over vacation with my old work husband and his real wife. There isn’t any reason for me to join a gym, because I don’t have a partner to belay. I look forward to later spring and being outside again, and as soon as the guide comes out from our Rec Center, I’ll get signed up for the class again. I had an injury in May and was not in shape for the class really. The teacher at the indoor class last night said that he was shocked to see a familiar face. I told him that because I was healing from a torn hamstring and bruised meniscus, I needed to retake it. I got to the top of two routes and climbed five times total, and the knot is easier. Yay.

I have been semi-hideous. There is still so much ice in the bike lanes. I’ve not cycled to work for two-weeks. When you cycle a minimum of 16-miles every week and your last ride was on December 28th, it’s a shift for sure. My mood is hideous as I mentioned. However, climbing over an hour last night was super helpful. I have a community walk tomorrow morning for just me and the dogs because my son has work crew. Then on Sunday I’m going to ride to the Rec Center to get there by nine and do machines for upper body and come home. It’s going to snow again, and I need to avoid being hideous all winter. I have no idea how people survive in Chicago. I’d lose my fucking mind.

I asked the climber out to dinner. She’s busy all weekend with her household. Sucks. I’ll send her a birthday text on Monday and will see her next Friday. More calm and cool for me. I don’t chase and it will work out to hang when she initiates something. One relay of hearing three-days worth of plans is enough for me. I know though that we’ll do something at some point, but it can’t be a dance because I can’t dance, and she doesn’t have an indoor climbing gym membership nor do I. I’ll check on Sunday if the outdoor wall at the Rec Center has open climb times, and if I’m proficient with that damn figure 8 knot by Sunday, maybe that will work out sometime, but again, I am not asking her out again and will wait for her to ask me out.

I am over the legal hump with selling the house. I’m meeting up with the photographer in early April to do a walk through. I may have to put money into the house to sell it. I’m going to ask her opinion because she’s also a realtor. She said in text that she is still up for hanging out if I am, and I said that when it’s warm we should do a bike ride. She sent a wink and said that 50 degrees and above works for her. I’d NEVER text winks or hearts to her ever again, and so I said to ping me when it’s warm enough for a ride and she thanked me for reaching out. I’m NOT hugging her when I see her. I’m not a mixed-message person and she wants to be friends, and that’s what we are, but we’re not close friends because I’ve literally seen her twice. Twice is not for hugging. I will take her up a peak too. I need to get up a few of them in the summer and fall. I miss it. My son’s godmother and I can do those together. She is a good climber and is also a marathoner, so it’s feasible. I’ve known her 34-years.

I start a rec dodgeball league in just over a week. It would be amazing if there are some fit 40ish women on my team or other teams. The Conference is less than a month away and I’m networking like a mad woman there. I also am going to haunt the bars and do anything LGBTQ that the professional association hosts. I have to talk to my son’s Dad about limiting his alcohol intake all week so I can have a piece of mind for those four-days. My son has watched his Dad pass out too many times, and he’s troubled enough as it is without having to watch that. I’m going to have to talk to him in private and that is going to be awkward as fuck, but it has to be done before early February.

I am cheered up. Work has been trying, but I am in a good space. The climbing really helped me out. The walk and then the bike and gym day will too. I should mention also that I’m still practicing my guitar. I feel on track and dumped my hideous mood.

by

Pools

I went to work yesterday and was what has become my emotional and behavioral baseline which is a bit nervous, and altered into worry because she wasn’t there nor was her commuting partner. My work partner is back finally after, honestly, almost dying, so I went to her office for several minutes too.

I should probably tell that story. There is a chance that if I stuff it and don’t write about it that I’ll have weird dreams or parts will come out in conversation.

My son and I went touristy caving in August. It was a long, long drive. I’ve worked with one of my work partners for going on 6-years. She and I have never been super close, but we have a great working relationship. Her Dad got very sick last April and had to go to the Mayo Clinic. He had so many blood clots a the time. She hates driving. I don’t love it and don’t enjoy being in a car, but I’m a good driver. My son and I were having dinner with her in August and she said that she needed to see her Dad but couldn’t drive and my son said, “We’re going there in two-weeks and can take you,” and she was so grateful. The initial leg of our trip was way out of the way and on the way back we asked her to meet us near another highway to reduce time and mileage. It all worked out. However, her Dad died just under two-months later because he actually had fast-progressing cancer.

Then she became suicidal. She drank hard alcohol, didn’t drink water (You HAVE to drink water here because it’s so dry.) and stopped eating. I took her food and also dropped off food for her daughter. She kinda stopped parenting last fall. She came back to work and off leave and went promptly home after a couple of hours. Then she was drunk for our next several phone calls. Finally, I gave her an ultimatum. Go into rehab or I’m dispatching a welfare check. She was hospitalized for 6-days. She’s getting lots of bills. However, she’s alive. In a training that I lead one line that I learned is “I’d rather have you mad at me, than dead at me.” We’re friends now. So weird.

When I went out into the hall I saw the climber–so glad that she was at work–and said, “Happy New Year, _____,” and thought fuck it, so I hugged her close and tight in the hallway. Easy to get away with that stuff under the guise of 2023. So nice. A little later I said that I wanted to show her my tattoo. It is finally finished. It was done later in the month in 2013 and some on the top of my hips hurt like hell, so I never finished it. (That area hurt again too. Ribs are ok, and body fat is not on me.) We went back to my office and then four people were there. Of course they were. I’m going to ask her Monday if I can take her out to dinner for her birthday next Monday and then I can show it to her in my car or something. I just want to make plans for this month. She invited me to a community dance last night, and I just don’t feel confident about that yet. I need to get lessons squared away. She also said that I should do a sing along at her house sometime. I could go for that. I’m getting way better chording on this guitar that I bought.

I led an hour-long training yesterday afternoon for everyone. I couldn’t even look at her. So, she got one of the notebooks that I brought and some colored pencils and drew. She’s so cool. After my training and after our meeting was done, I gave her the unopened bag of Bark Thins and the one that had been opened and asked her take it to her house. I think that she has five roommates in her giant house that she owns. She handed me back the unopened one and I told her please that my son doesn’t need it and needs to lose weight. She thanked me.

I need a new pool. One of my bosses was talking shit to me on Tuesday because he’s been out on all kinds of dates and I have had one in the last two weeks. I said, “Yeah, you swipe,” and he said, “No, I met her on Facebook.” Don’t know how the Facebook dating app is different than swiping, but ok. You’re better at pool and bowling than I am and you win on dating. I just need a big pool.

Goddess of the cyclist/hiker hear me! Where is that pool?

I’m excited for a convention next month. My old friend who moved back to California may come too. She asked me to send her a picture from my wedding via text, and I said, “No way.” Then I realized it was super rude so I texted that I was divorced. She felt so badly that she didn’t know, so she said she’d come next month for the convention. We spoke and she said that she can get funding for the Conference, so we may connect there. I’m excited to network at the convention and maybe have a long distance hiker and biker.