I have always believed that circumstances occur in threes and that they are moving together to form a union. I have taken lessons from my personal theory of convergence. Two-years ago, I was FURIOUS with my most recent ex, I saw the woman who I believe to be my one, and I was talking with the woman who broke my heart. I asked her this weekend what that meant and she said, “Past, present, and future.” The thing is that the latter is not definite. Your future is only what lies right in front of you and what you are dealing with currently. You can make plans and you can always hold out for hope, but you only have now. Kabat-Zinn has it right!
I want to be with her. I want to raise our sons. I would like to have another child too. Have I mentioned–perhaps in this entry–that I’m NOT Buddhist. Boy, I’m not.
The thing is that we have the connection thing and our intimate life is earth-shattering and has the making of what could last because of our similarities. That fact yields more desire and passion than either of us know what to do with and winds up being difficult during our busy weeks. We certainly are not free from desire. And we are both strong women.
We talked out in complete the whole misconception that we had at the end of September. We may not have conceded that the other was right, but we met in the middle, didn’t get bogged down in detail, and made a plan for how we could move forward if we were emotionally triggered or had fears that lead to any problems with our connection.
I want to be honest, that Sunday nights are actually shit. I sit here and want to be back in bed with her, smell her skin, stroke her long hair and kiss her cheeks and forehead. She makes the little things warm and connected, and when she and I talk for the final time each night, and I hear fatigue in her voice, it tears up my soul to not be able to run her a bath, light the candle that I got for her and make her a new playlist with songs like “Answer” on them to let her know that I will always keep the balance. That is something for all of my drawbacks that I can do.
So, I want to get married. I want to raise kids and have one more. We are back to the illustrious three, which typifies all unions, imho. She and I though are not converging, but I still hold hope that we will take this year to see what we have and if we can make sense of these events that have not been random, but were there so we could really meet rather than seeing each other across a wine bar when she had a girlfriend, I was in a bizarre love triangle, and a woman who I had not slept with in over two-years (back in 2010) held more of my attention that night than she should have. I want to find my pattern of three that leads us to where we are supposed to be.