Convergence in Threes

I have always believed that circumstances occur in threes and that they are moving together to form a union.  I have taken lessons from my personal theory of convergence.  Two-years ago, I was FURIOUS with my most recent ex, I saw the woman who I believe to be my one, and I was talking with the woman who broke my heart.  I asked her this weekend what that meant and she said, “Past, present, and future.”  The thing is that the latter is not definite.  Your future is only what lies right in front of you and what you are dealing with currently.  You can make plans and you can always hold out for hope, but you only have now.  Kabat-Zinn has it right!

I want to be with her.  I want to raise our sons.  I would like to have another child too.  Have I mentioned–perhaps in this entry–that I’m NOT Buddhist.  Boy, I’m not.

The thing is that we have the connection thing and our intimate life is earth-shattering and has the making of what could last because of our similarities.  That fact yields more desire and passion than either of us know what to do with and winds up being difficult during our busy weeks.  We certainly are not free from desire.  And we are both strong women.

We talked out in complete the whole misconception that we had at the end of September.  We may not have conceded that the other was right, but we met in the middle, didn’t get bogged down in detail, and made a plan for how we could move forward if we were emotionally triggered or had fears that lead to any problems with our connection.

I want to be honest, that Sunday nights are actually shit.  I sit here and want to be back in bed with her, smell her skin, stroke her long hair and kiss her cheeks and forehead.  She makes the little things warm and connected, and when she and I talk for the final time each night, and I hear fatigue in her voice, it tears up my soul to not be able to run her a bath, light the candle that I got for her and make her a new playlist with songs like “Answer” on them to let her know that I will always keep the balance.  That is something for all of my drawbacks that I can do.

So, I want to get married.  I want to raise kids and have one more.  We are back to the illustrious three, which typifies all unions, imho.  She and I though are not converging, but I still hold hope that we will take this year to see what we have and if we can make sense of these events that have not been random, but were there so we could really meet rather than seeing each other across a wine bar when she had a girlfriend, I was in a bizarre love triangle, and a woman who I had not slept with in over two-years (back in 2010) held more of my attention that night than she should have.  I want to find my pattern of three that leads us to where we are supposed to be.

Slowing it all down

“If you have the last hands that I want to hold, then I know that I’ve got to let them go,” are pretty powerful lyrics.  I get it too.  It’s funny how after you date for awhile that you start to understand your patterns better.  I got pretty thrown off and caught up here, but I got the whole slow it down e-mail, which coupled with the disagreements is not boding well for me and my feelings of safety.  I trust her, but I don’t feel secure right now, and will have to see what these next two months feel like.  I have always held that it takes as Proulx writes, “a full turn of the calendar” to actually get to know another person.  Although she was writing about grief, it holds true with relationship too.  Here is what I used to think and some of it has changed, but only in slight:

“Honestly, I think that people force compatibility.  They have an idea of what they are looking for, and then put all of that into the person who they are dating.  They don’t see the whole person, or acknowledge what can be intuited, but instead ignore what they really are feeling.  I believe that many times it is because they fear being alone.  Often, they wind up living together without truly seeing who the other person is or just observing him or her and taking note of what kind of person is in front of them.” (me, 2009)

The thing that has really altered for me is that I really DO know what I’m looking for.  I want stability, and I want to matter and be treated well, I want to be thanked for the little things that I do and not be taken for granted, I want passion, I want time outdoors…  And, I want another child.  That’s the whole thing that can kinda screw me up and take me off balance at times.  I need to acknowledge that in myself and realize that I’ll never be a Buddhist because I really do have wants and desires.  I’m not as detached as I try to be.

So, what am I going to do now?  I’ll just be less fervent with contact.  We are both pretty busy and honestly, if I’m just one of the pack in a busy life, that won’t be enough for me.  The funny thing is that I love my friends and do anything for many of them, but during the week, I just chill with my son and keep up with them as needed.  I had a traditional dinner party last night and it was fun.  I like the  laughter and convo in my kitchen and love to cook.  I want to do some stuff like that, but only every other month.  Although I am a classic extrovert, I did learn one more lesson besides letting things go, and loving water from my last relationship.  I learned that silence is really golden and slowing down and being simply mindful when you can has it’s virtues.  Right now I’m hardly in a space of a quiet mind, but I am writing and expressing before my long day gets rolling.  It helps me to frame where I am and where I want to go.

I want us to work, but I don’t know if she’s in for the long haul.  We are both passionate, but I don’t feel like I meet her needs and can’t do that for very long.  I like to be good at what I do.  Plus, I think that I’m a great catch.  I don’t know which way it will turn out, but I can tell you that I’m intuitive and she is watching me with great skepticism right now.  That’s ok, I’m an observer too, and some of my observations have lead me to wonder if I can be perfect for her.  Perhaps no.  I’m ok with that too.  We shall see.  Tristan Prettyman says, “I’m not surprised that you still call, I’m more surprised that I don’t answer.”  I guess we all have surprises in ourselves that connections with others tend to reveal.

The land that I love

I took my son to the best state in the world this weekend.  We saw mountains, rivers and even palm trees toward the end of the afternoon on Sunday.  We had taken a train ride down the state and wound up where it doesn’t snow.  I love it here.  I want to be done with my clinical license and have a good practice going so I can start up a mortgage in one of these counties on a cabin.  I feel alive down here in a way that is not even paralleled when I summit a mountain.  It’s a need.  I hope that although he will only be six, that he understands it.  He was tired and bratty all day yesterday, so I will see this morning.  He is still sleeping and must have a slightly runny nose, because he’s snoring.  Ha.

I talked with her last night and basically complained about how bad it was to have an overstimulated, exhausted child all day.  I went ahead against my better judgment and pushed forward with plans, which I probably shouldn’t have, but the train ride was amazing.  More for me than him, perhaps, but with kids you always wonder what they’ll remember.  We shall see.  We talked about her Saturday, which sounded pretty good, and then we connected about us.  I’m hoping that she will really give us some time to see.  I don’t know.  I think that although she says that it is a process of discovery, she may or may not continue it.  That’s because relationships are so much work.  I know that I’m worth it, but you don’t get to decide that for the other person, so I’ll just be and do what I can do, which is be good to her everyday.  I’ll see her tonight–barring pure exhaustion adding miles to the hundreds that I’ll drive this afternoon.  I need to touch her though, because it always helps us both, I think.  It’s only been six-days, but we both are passionate and get a lot out of our physical intimacy.

I’ve dated for 4.5 years.  It will be five this fall.  I’ve been with five girls in a more serious ways, but I can’t even remember the number of dates that I’ve had.  I’ve weeded through tons of girls with whom I’m not the least compatible.  When you’re flexible, and  naturally adaptable, you have some odd dates.

I think that the worst one that I ever had was nearly four years ago.  One of my best friends and I were out dancing and we picked up two girls with the intention of taking them home, and then the girl who I had been making out with all night–even pushed her up against the cattle tank full of drinks–said, “If you think that I’m one of those girls you can just pick up, you picked the wrong one.”  I told her that I didn’t know what kind of girl she was.  We texted that day and she made a date for the end of the month.  We had good conversation, laughs, etc., and after we had sushi, we walked around the corner to a neighborhood bar that was cool and had a beer.  So, when she walked me back to my car, I figured, well, hello?  Then she pushed me away and said, “Not tonight.  We’ll have plenty of other chances,” and I told her, “It’s not like we haven’t made out before, what’s the problem?”  I was FURIOUS driving home.  Turns out that she still lived with her partner of six-years who had been in various rehab programs–I learned this a few weeks later.  They provided each other with all the emotional support that partners should.  I knew then that we’d never sleep together.  I’m a firm believer that if you date awhile, you need the test drive.  I’m not old fashioned.

I think that women do that more often than men and women.  I think that lesbian breakups are really vague and that the women who are “broken up” often keep up with the intimacy (meaning just the emotional) well after the relationship is over.  I don’t know why I don’t do that.  I don’t even talk at all to the last girl who I considered doing the serious venture with recently.  I don’t want to either.  I don’t know if I have it in me to redefine as friends.  I think that if I’d be forced to do that now if I were dumped that it would take me many years.  I don’t even know if I could have her as a close friend.  How does longing to touch someone go away?  See?  I really don’t know anything about keeping a relationship together.  They don’t scare me, but they sure don’t have any cookbook approaches that I can follow to make things work.  I just want to show up everyday, be loving and honest, and hope for the best.  I think that’s all that I can do.

Waiting for something that is meant to last

Getting to know you, getting to know all about you, getting to like you, and getting to hope that you like me.  So, my second gf was a musical freak and I can still quote; although, she and I have not talked much with her in six-years.  I did talk to her night before last and it was very cool because she has known me forever and really liked hearing about my girl.  I don’t want to say “new girl,” because one, it is horrifying to think of the number of women who I have dated in the last five-years, and two, because she’s my one.

When I look into her eyes, I’m leveled.  It is a hard place to be when you just want to be loved and give some love back.  I know that she sees through me and is not a casual person, but working in tandem with that fact is that she is also cautious.  When your gf is cautious, that means that she is often listening for content in what you say in a different manner and making sure that you are saying what your actions have yielded.  That is a tall order.  I’m up for it though because I’m consistent, straightforward, open and honest.

My son is turning six.  We will be away from her all weekend.  I don’t think a single weekend has passed in what will be four months that we haven’t physically connected.  That aspect of our relationship really works, and although I haven’t disliked it with others, I have not had my passion met head-on like this ever.  That is also overwhelming.

Shockingly, I know exactly what I want too.  I am usually in indecision.  Yesterday, I read a letter that I had written to my ex.  I wrote it to her in late September of 2010.  Such a bizarre lovestory, that.  I was relieved she moved and then when we saw each other in June and again in August, I was so glad that she admitted that she loved me that I actually thought that I was in love with her for those three months.  I did used to love her, but I never knew one, what I wanted with her, and two, what I’d get.  She was unpredictable and as it turns out, a little scary.  My one is not.  Here is what I told a former gf a couple of days ago

“We could feel the connection, so we talked that Wednesday. That convo was an hour and 40-mins. We had a date two weeks out, but I was going kinda sick with anticipation.”

To which she replied, “This sounds awesome.”

I continued and I loved doing so, because then you can remember why and how you fell in love and not get bogged down in your head:

“She is. So we met THAT Sunday, instead, at a Wine Bistro while my folks watched my son.  Then we did have our date that following Friday. We basically just started dating exclusively right away.  Never had that thunderbolt thing. I’ve had that slow, organic development, but this felt meant to be.  Been just under 4-mos. Never been with an extrovert either. That is really cool.  She is funny, engaging, fun, athletic, a great dancer, and successful.”

Then she told me something that I love.  I love it because I know it’s true and because she knows me, gets me, and also knows what I want and where I am headed.  She said:

“Sounds really good–like something meant to last.”

Staying connected

I’m no expert in keeping a relationship together or doing the conversion from dating to relationship. True, I have had three long-term relationships, but probably only my eleven-year counts.  Let’s face it, the last thing that I did which was for a good period of time was a hot fling that turned into a misaprehension (I believed that she only wanted me when we had a four-month hiatus when in fact she just missed the good sex.), and then she moved.  I was relieved when she moved, and have no clue why I tried long distance with a woman like her.  I can’t believe that I believed the bullshit that she fed me (like Sara Bareilles says) and consented to being exclusive with her for a year, but like my one, I’m not casual at all either.  I move through relationship with some curiosity always.

I want this to work.  It is that thunderbolt, beautiful “thing” that just works well.  Navigating stress will be important for both of us busy parents, but I want to have another child and know that she is going to be a good co-parent.  I think in some ways I haven’t changed.  I want a straightforward, honest, open relationship or I want to be single.  I understand how black and white that sounds, but for me, more than anything, it’s just simple.  Here is what I felt when I was back in the bizarre love triangle (not the New Order song) three springs ago:

“When I woke up from a two-hour nap, as I had spent Happy Hour with one of my friends who I’ve known 9-years, I was reminded of something that perhaps I read in a save your marriage text about 7-years-ago about this concept of the game of “He who cares the least.”  Apparently, in sick relationships the power differential is controlled, as is the other person, when someone wins this game.  When I thought about it, I realized that she probably thinks that is what I’m doing now, and is likely the way that she does things since the last relationship in which she really let her self go, which I think was 15-years ago, really screwed her up.  That is certainly what she does with this current girl and I.  “Don’t fall in love with me.”  I totally get that stupid shit now.

I could act passive-aggressive, “Don’t worry, baby, I haven’t.”  I honestly think that being in love with someone is building something with her.  Common goals and moving forward is being in love.  While I do love her, I can draw that distinction, but it is clear to me now that I’m doing “She who cares the least.”  What I’d prefer is to have no control, because I don’t want anything gamey.  I’m going to abdicate.  I’m done.” (me, 2010)

If this is your foundation, and honestly it was our second foundation, you were NEVER in love.  Our first was a fling wherein she knew absolutely nothing of me, and then our second was when she got back into the bed of the other girl–someone who she’d never be disconnected from no matter if she was sleeping with her or not.  My foundation with my current and one involves both of us choosing each other and moving forward.  Communication bumps?  Who doesn’t have them?  My thunderbolt is also fiery, so we will feel that fire in many directions when we are together, and it’s just learning the navigation and keeping the direction pointed forward.  Tonight or tomorrow, I want to see my voice in writing the first and second times that I simply saw her when I was unable to talk to her.  Yes, I have seen my girl twice before–stay tuned.

I can’t handle you

I told her, “I can’t handle you.”  I have had a lot of physical intimacy; although by these days standards I have not had many partners, but I had never had sex like what it was like with her.  That is intimidating, but I’m fairly arrogant, so I decided after the third date with this particular addition of intimacy that I would let all my inhibitions and fears go, so I did.  It became what was novel for both of us and could be completely raw, but also could be tender.  All of it was completely passionate and evoked with Naomi Wolf writes about when she talks about convenience versus passion that her father a professor purports should be paramount in relationship.

Ours was and we could both feel it consuming us.  I guess that if I’m being honest, that I felt in the back of mind that it could be entropy.  I didn’t want that.  So, I tried to show up as loving as I could.  I didn’t want to leave everything to chance when I had the guts to admit that I had fallen in love during the freezing rain that morning after our long date and my caravanning back home with her.  I wanted to ensure that we had some foundation.  I realize how hard this process can be when you are already midway into a very hot love affair, but we had such a connection via cyberspace that I wanted that to continue.

I think that it is really that you are in the process of teaching each other what you want and how you communicate.  I also believe in listing mentally or in writing the list of pros and cons.  And when the pros go off the page completely, that is the relationship that you want and will hold onto even when you are having an impasse.  She and I need to develop an understanding and some ground rules even when we are busy regarding how to communicate and ask each other questions while fully listening and not filling in any blanks.  Progress is listening with an open heart.

Fucking up

We of course continued our fervent e-mailing, which was now punctuated with calls and texts.  I will be the first to admit that it was obsessive and consuming.  I had not felt remotely like this in four-years, and the thing was that we had simply made out and not gotten physical.  She knows women for about 6-months before the deed.  I was working an angle for splitting the difference.  I was falling fast, and I have never done that.  I always let things grow organically and don’t force anything.  I wanted her and knew that she was one of a kind for real.  Never have been exposed to a woman like her, and don’t think that I ever will be.

Two of my friends were really concerned.  I had been a wreck of a person for nearly a year in 2008, and they were freaking out somewhat.  Here is what happened for me at that time:

“So, we texted a little bit that night, and I didn’t sleep at all.  Nary a wink for a night, which would be what the next four months would mostly be like for my sleep, which also meant that although I had already lost 19-pounds that fall that I would loose another 8 and you’d be able to count the ribs in my back.  I was only able to sleep in four hour stretches from that point forward until spring came” (me, 2010, written about 12/2007).

My friends didn’t want to see that girl again.  This woman who I had fallen in love with from afar and avoided like the plague for over 2-years consumed a fall and part of winter for me in terms of an affair.  The aftermath was worse than that song by Tricky.  Of course, our fling and what would become of my coming out affair was inevitable.  When she freaked, we had an odd month, and started the following New Year as distant as the sides of a canyon.  So, two of my friends were wigging somewhat because I was falling quickly.  This situation was so different though; although, I had a recent break-up.  That one was eight-months in the making though, and I was glad to be completely freed of her.

My new love had some entanglements too.  A recent partnership had broken up and not been physical at all for just two months, and she had a week-long fling with a woman who fell for her.  Learning about the latter freaked me out, and then those feelings combined with my friends’ concerns, resulted in my sending a casual, slow down e-mail.  It was a sucky thing to do when everything else had been so hot–the texts and e-mails.  It put the halt on “us” and really fucked things up.  It has veiled all as well.  You can’t take back what you write or say.  Accountability can bite when you fuck up.

It took us two days to get partially on track.  I say partially, because when you do that stop-start thing, you really can alter your course even with your one.  We decided to keep our original date, but there was some hesitation throughout the night.  Things got way better after we had a late dinner and went to a buddy’s restaurant for a glass of wine.  She let me hold her hand and had embraced me when she walked in with me.  We had a great talk in there and were much more loosened up overall.  When we went back out into the warm late fall night we held hands again and hers felt perfect in mine.  She opened my car door, and then she closed it.  We kissed and it got really hot.  The night almost ended and she took me back to my car in hers.  Then she looked at me and said, “Drive back with me?”  What a change of events and best end to my fuck up.

You Get Me

Holy connections, Batman. She sent a very casual, albeit sweet email to me that afternoon. The BBQ was a Sunday and by the end of that Monday night, she and I had exchanged four e-mails and by the following night it had increased to 17 and in the last one that I sent late that night I told her that it was dangerous to talk so openly at night, which was barely related to the fact that she and I are both single parents who only get 4 – 8 nights off a month and each have to wake at five. It was simply that I knew that I wanted her. It was not a friendly overture. I also had fallen in love with her, which is bizarre because I have never fallen in love quickly. I have lusted from afar, and I have had a slow, organic unfolding, but I knew that she was what I would look for in another. A few days later I told her that I wanted to drink wine with her on my couch, because I couldn’t tell her that I had fallen. We had a phone date set for mid-week that got moved closer, and we wound up talking for over a hour and half, which surprised us both. Equally surprising was that neither of us could wait for our F2F date that was set for two weeks out, so…

I about threw up in my car. We met on a weekend that I had my son because we couldn’t wait two weeks for F2F time. My hands were shaking straightening my hair and continued to do so on the way to the bistro. I sat in the parking lot and thank God that my best friend talked to me on the phone. She was trying to make jokes about an “exit plan” if I needed it. I told her, “I won’t need an exit plan! She’s a wonderful woman!” Although she was just trying to make me laugh, nothing was helping my failing nerves. I’m a pretty nervous person anyway, and the stakes were so high with her, so I was just sick with anticipation. I texted her, “I’ve never had a date with a mother,” and she texted back, “Well, after today at the very least you can say that.” Then she texted, “Just go in and have a glass of wine.” I wanted to walk in with her. Feel our strides together, and also frankly needed her embrace to feel the chemistry that I was 95% positive was there after now 48-emails, 120 texts, and that wonderful phone conversation.

She drove up and parked a space away from me. She was super cute in real life. I got slowly out of my car and went over to the back end of mine. I went to hug her and she held me really tight. A great hug and she smelled fantastic. I could not believe how close our bodies were. I could feel our abdomens pressed against one another, which was pretty electric given a first hug. I was still pretty damn nervous. We walked in together and she said, “You’re not that tall.” I said, “I’m 5’6″.” I had not ever been with a woman under 5’7″ and she is so muscular and has such long thighs that in the pictures she had given me I assumed she was about 5′ 8″. When we spoke on the phone, apparently I expressed some surprise, which she construed as disappointment. Seriously, anyone with turquoise eyes can be any height. And her body is the best one I have ever seen. It’s unreal.

We talked about our likes and dislikes and with her friend the owner of the bistro. He actually owns part of a mediterranean island. We laughed easily, but I could not sustain eye contact because she was so beautiful and equally composed. She really has the soulful, deep looks too. I felt like I couldn’t hide a damn thing and was stripped of “game.” It was really daunting and I was blushing a lot too. It’s been over three months and she still makes me blush in public and sometimes in private too. She has a way of leveling you with her eyes and is quick-witted and funny. I really think she is the sexiest woman alive.

I had to extend my date. I called my parents who had my son and asked if I could stay another hour. They consented. I didn’t want to leave after that hour. I could have talked to her all day. It was the best first date ever. I had known that I was going to fall in love with her because of one e-mail that she had sent that talked about entertaining, cooking, and laughing in the kitchen. She could have been talking about one of the dinner bday parties that I throw myself. Tons in common, ease and attraction. In fact, at one point she asked, “Are you attracted to me?” I know that I blushed, and also said, “Yes! Of course.” But, we both had to go. This date solidified that in addition to feeling that she was love material, that she was also so hot and partner material. I wanted her then and there.

We walked out together and I embraced her again. There was no way that I wasn’t going to kiss her, so I did. Then we really started kissing. We pulled away and she told me that I could touch her more, which I did and then we were making out in a parking lot in a suburb. I could feel my whole body responding. We both had to go. A little while later she texted, “Tell me honestly, chemistry, scale 1 – 10.” I texted back “10,” and she quickly texted back, “Ditto.” I had confirmed that I was really falling in love and called two of my best friends while driving back to my parent’s house.