The land that I love

I took my son to the best state in the world this weekend.  We saw mountains, rivers and even palm trees toward the end of the afternoon on Sunday.  We had taken a train ride down the state and wound up where it doesn’t snow.  I love it here.  I want to be done with my clinical license and have a good practice going so I can start up a mortgage in one of these counties on a cabin.  I feel alive down here in a way that is not even paralleled when I summit a mountain.  It’s a need.  I hope that although he will only be six, that he understands it.  He was tired and bratty all day yesterday, so I will see this morning.  He is still sleeping and must have a slightly runny nose, because he’s snoring.  Ha.

I talked with her last night and basically complained about how bad it was to have an overstimulated, exhausted child all day.  I went ahead against my better judgment and pushed forward with plans, which I probably shouldn’t have, but the train ride was amazing.  More for me than him, perhaps, but with kids you always wonder what they’ll remember.  We shall see.  We talked about her Saturday, which sounded pretty good, and then we connected about us.  I’m hoping that she will really give us some time to see.  I don’t know.  I think that although she says that it is a process of discovery, she may or may not continue it.  That’s because relationships are so much work.  I know that I’m worth it, but you don’t get to decide that for the other person, so I’ll just be and do what I can do, which is be good to her everyday.  I’ll see her tonight–barring pure exhaustion adding miles to the hundreds that I’ll drive this afternoon.  I need to touch her though, because it always helps us both, I think.  It’s only been six-days, but we both are passionate and get a lot out of our physical intimacy.

I’ve dated for 4.5 years.  It will be five this fall.  I’ve been with five girls in a more serious ways, but I can’t even remember the number of dates that I’ve had.  I’ve weeded through tons of girls with whom I’m not the least compatible.  When you’re flexible, and  naturally adaptable, you have some odd dates.

I think that the worst one that I ever had was nearly four years ago.  One of my best friends and I were out dancing and we picked up two girls with the intention of taking them home, and then the girl who I had been making out with all night–even pushed her up against the cattle tank full of drinks–said, “If you think that I’m one of those girls you can just pick up, you picked the wrong one.”  I told her that I didn’t know what kind of girl she was.  We texted that day and she made a date for the end of the month.  We had good conversation, laughs, etc., and after we had sushi, we walked around the corner to a neighborhood bar that was cool and had a beer.  So, when she walked me back to my car, I figured, well, hello?  Then she pushed me away and said, “Not tonight.  We’ll have plenty of other chances,” and I told her, “It’s not like we haven’t made out before, what’s the problem?”  I was FURIOUS driving home.  Turns out that she still lived with her partner of six-years who had been in various rehab programs–I learned this a few weeks later.  They provided each other with all the emotional support that partners should.  I knew then that we’d never sleep together.  I’m a firm believer that if you date awhile, you need the test drive.  I’m not old fashioned.

I think that women do that more often than men and women.  I think that lesbian breakups are really vague and that the women who are “broken up” often keep up with the intimacy (meaning just the emotional) well after the relationship is over.  I don’t know why I don’t do that.  I don’t even talk at all to the last girl who I considered doing the serious venture with recently.  I don’t want to either.  I don’t know if I have it in me to redefine as friends.  I think that if I’d be forced to do that now if I were dumped that it would take me many years.  I don’t even know if I could have her as a close friend.  How does longing to touch someone go away?  See?  I really don’t know anything about keeping a relationship together.  They don’t scare me, but they sure don’t have any cookbook approaches that I can follow to make things work.  I just want to show up everyday, be loving and honest, and hope for the best.  I think that’s all that I can do.

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