Monthly Archives: February 2012

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Ready for whatever my path unfolds

Who knows?  I don’t.  She is going through a horrible time.  Simply awful.  I can just show up for her and her son, and be who I am.  Even if that person is one who is defensive and wonders about how likely it is that I’m going to get some concrete or for sure stuff so that I can feel safe, or if I can continue on this path with a woman who is like no other.  I don’t know a person at all like her and I have tons of friends and work with the public.  She is unique and awe-inspiring.

I spent most of this weekend with her.  I’m tired, but feel pretty good on the whole.  I just wish that we had some time just with us, but with both of us being mothers, that will always be few and far between.  I think that I could have supported her more if we hadn’t been parenting her boy–who I simply adore–all weekend, but I think that at times of crisis, that kids are a very good distraction.  He is a sweet, funny, and a cheerful little guy.  They help.  I can remember playing with Hot Wheels and Matchbox cars with my son when I was on autopilot for about 7-months when I had just come out and finally moved my heart and mind away from my coming out affair.  The latter is difficult.  I was really messed for some time.  Then with lots of dating, I really weeded out what I don’t want.

I don’t see drawbacks with her.  I do think that she is more sensitive than I, so I have to watch how I react and ensure that I’m doing what is asked, but I’m not sensitive, so we don’t always see situations the same.  Frankly, I’ve had enough relationship experience to know that she is hard to find.  She is sexy, an incredible dancer, smart, funny, quick, athletic, and has the best body and eyes that I’ve ever seen.  I want to be with her and build our life.  That does not waver.  She is the one who I can see being with for the long haul and raising our complete family.

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Finally

I can’t believe it is finally back to where it needs to be.  Of course there is never going to be an erasure, but at least she knows that she needs to work on some things.  I am continuing.  I’m here.  I’m in love with her and believe that she is my one, but I’ve come to the cold, hard fact that you may not be able to be with your one in some lifetimes.  I had a reading in 2008 and I’m supposed to be just starting to come into my own as of October of the year before last.  I certainly knew in that month that I was never going to move, so I do believe it.  This October I was on top of the world in love and sure that we would build a life together.  She changed after Thanksgiving.  I have not.

She said that she wants to have more fun with me and be in the moment.  There is no other place that we can be because of the infrequent times that we can actually see each other.  It’s rare.  We had a nice time after the kids got calmed down on Tuesday and her Mom was there too, and I will get a date on Sunday, which will be nice.  I’m very much looking forward to this extended weekend in general.

I can hear my tone.  I’m cautious, and I didn’t ever have any caution with her and now it’s here.  It can make me matter-of-fact, but maybe by my being aware of my trepidation, I can instead make space for it, and then I can just be me and that girl is fun and caring.  I can do that.  I probably need a mantra.  I continue to say what my therapist says and that’s “You can’t bend the river.”  I know that it flows and you don’t stop it.  I want to get back into fun and never be without passion.

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“Though I may be going down, I’ll take the flame over burning out”

Wow.  I have never, ever, had lovemaking anything like this or have I been completely looked through by a woman.  She knows where I am and it overwhelms me; although, she is more likely to accuse me of being “sappy,” when I get emotional, because what she wants is only immediacy, except when we are in the the throws of passion and she tells me that it better be her that it’s like this with and it sure as hell is!  I’m pretty sure that I’m going to get my heart broken.  Dashed, slammed, ripped out and served to no one in particular, because mine is hers when she didn’t even ask for it.

So, what will I get?  Dating for awhile until she completely breaks up with me and waiting for that noose whose hangman I tempted when I was sure that she was in love with another girl and completely enmeshed with another who still needed her although she has a new relationship with an unlikely character.  I was terrified of what I had done.  I had fallen in love with a woman who I didn’t even know.  I had made out with her and wanted so much more, as we shared dreams and visions.  We are so compatible.  I think that it’s time that I work through what she says is my ultimate untrustworthy act.  I’m going to, but I think it’s a safe place to go back to, because she can say that I did it all and did not include her in my thinking, which while true, she has told me since then that I’m her one, she wants me to be hers, and that we have it.  Until just before the holidays when she got re-triggered and now she ALWAYS goes back to an early fall exchange.  Ultimately, she gets triggered now, and then she references this dark place because she knows it and it’s safe in a way.  She can control the trajectory and say that it’s because of what I did.

Here goes.  Been waiting too long.  Have a microbrew and I need to do it now or I’ll chicken out again.

So I did it, and frankly it FREAKED me out.  The phrase is not in the exchanges.  It’s simply not there.  There is also an e-mail in which I explained that I didn’t withdraw, but rather was protecting my heart.  Then there are exchanges after that in which she concedes that I was just protecting myself and she is in that mode now too.  So, why would she go back there if it was sorted and I never really said it anyway?  Last night I was reeling in hurt and anger.  So, I went out and had some laughs.  I reread page, after page of e-mails, and was baffled before I went to bed late last night.

I’m sorry, but I slept on it–which I’m so proud that I did, but if we can’t put it to rest particularly when the phrases is not in the exchanges and then I explained where I was emotionally, which at that point was accepted, then I can’t do this right now.  I just can’t.  Yesterday when I left, I felt like my soul got ripped out when she said that we don’t have to have any heavy discussions or figure out forever.  Ouch.  Especially after the passionate exchanges.  Too much back and forth, and I can’t navigate it.  I could totally do this type of casual stuff with an FB, but I cannot do it with my one.  I’m going to listen to that Ingrid Michaelson song again.

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Perhaps it is karmic retribution

I had to laugh a bit, because I remember in a Simpson video game that I played before I had my son, in which Homer would scream, “Damn you Karmic retribution!”  I have to find some humor in this situation, which really could be derivative of all the vagary that my ex and I went through last spring that ultimately ended in the summer.  I would try to have the “you are not right for me and what I want,” convos but she would FREAK out on me.  She also had problems with alcohol abuse, so it made these types of ending discussions that much worse.  We had some trips planned, so we just saw them out.  I was done, but did fly one last time because I figured given I had spent a couple of years with her, so I owed her F2F for that final convo.  That was a scary few nights, but it is all good.

Things have been off for some time, but then we would have good times in between, so I’m wondering, and it begs the question really, is this what I did?  The main difference is with the exception of saying some things that have been hurtful on about four occasions, I have been very good to her.  My ex was a drunk and volatile and not good about keeping in touch with me.  There were many week periods that we didn’t even talk on the phone, and we were distance!  She was not the most conscientious.  I may be an asshole and somewhat insensitive at times, but I’m a nurturer to a fault and I’ve done lots of ground work for this relationship.  That’s the difference.

There are other parallels too.  I re-read the Dear John we have no foundation letter that I wrote to my ex in September of 2010.  I told her that because we started the way that we did, and she had no space between the other girl who she was always with while with me, prior to moving and then wanting to just go exclusive with me, that we really had no future.  My one tells me that when I sent the slow-it-down e-mail that I permanently hurt who we could be.  I get that.  Although, I never believed that my ex was my one, and in fact, I didn’t believe in a one UNTIL now.  With my ex, I do remember always thinking that we could never be serious because we were non-exclusive FBs who met in a bar.  Seriously.  That’s not a foundation.  So, if I screwed up our foundation, perhaps it is like the Justin Timberlake song.

My best friend said “Nothing is that simple. Especially karma.  Give her time and space.”  I will, but I can’t see her alone too much because I want to rip out my soul.  It kills me.  I want to take her into my arms, kiss her neck, and take off her clothes.  When someone is overwhelmed with everything that is the last thing that she wants.  So, I can hang and have family time, but I have to preserve me.

I think that this entry probably sounds whiny.  Or that I somehow expect my path to be easy and what I’m entitled to.  I don’t believe that deserve has much to do with it, but again, she is all I want and I can’t imagine anyone else touching me.

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Waiting

I knew it was inevitable, but I figured that I had until the end of March.  I have been completely off with regard to the timing of things.  I get what that means!  I have made some predictions based on patterns of behavior, but I have noted that people who I know or know through others have been accelerated in terms of decisions that are made or courses of action.  We live in this fast-paced world wherein everyone responds with fervor and tying things up as fast as they can.  Over the years, and in my last pseudo relationship, I learned that slowing down has its benefits as does delaying gratification and waiting to respond.  I can’t believe that I have actually learned that lesson and can apply it myself.  This epiphany is especially unbelievable when I watch my son.

He gets so pissed all the time when things don’t respond as quickly as he’d like them to, or when they take time to develop.  I know that I used to feel that way, but I just don’t now.  Five-years waiting for a true connection yields patience as does raising a kid like mine who is intense and lacks coping skills.  The latter, I never had.  I coped with things that I shouldn’t have and have done so amazing well.  But, I was never even remotely patient and just expected things to work.  Sometimes they don’t, and other times, they do with the passage of time.  You just don’t know and you have to trust, like my psychologist says, “That you can’t bend the river.”

What will I do?  Write a book.  Literally.  Done with coursework does not mean done with a doctoral degree.  I’ll also do what I’ve done for going on five-years, and that is be good to my parents and friends, and parent my son.

What will she do?  Probably tell me her perspective.  Think that she has mine figured out.  Miss the way that we connect on every level.  Maybe give me a chance.

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It’s actually hard

Want to know how you really are in love?  Because I’m trying desperately not to call and text because she wants me to slow down, and it is difficult.  I took down my old blog, but because it has so many entries and in my opinion illustrates my personal growth, I continue to reference it.  I used to be able to either walk away from a relationship or just wait to be contacted.  I can’t do that now.  It is agonizing and I also need her arms around me and to feel her kisses.  Here is how I felt in 2009:

“So, we have spoken…  And not texted, but we actually had a 45-minute convo on the phone, and with the exception of the end, it was really nice, and made me think that I probably should have called her some while we were f-buddies, but that was likely not meant to be.  The unsettling part of it to me was not that she and the other girl are now exclusive, because as I told her that was the natural order of things because she has known her nearly two years, and been sleeping with her for seven months, but it was rather her response.  She said, “Well, I won’t have to do this very long anyway because I want to start that new job (out-of-state) by November 1st.”  Ouch–made me glad that I wasn’t the one who is “exclusive” with her.” (me)

I didn’t talk to her after that.  She texted me on the last day of that year and texted her back.  It was a NYD reconnection, which was what I thought to be romantic at the time, but I was on to her by the end of January and went back to no contact unless contacted or just not saying anything.  I’m good at it.

I was.  I’m sure not now.  I want her.  I’m prepping for next year for my son and it feels so false.  We don’t talk too much about it either.  She started going upstairs yesterday when we spoke in the morning and said she’d call me back when I told her about the public school lottery.  We didn’t talk about it again yesterday and she is being causal with me right now.  It is so painful to 1) hear that, and 2) I know somewhere that it’s that she is scared of getting over-extended with me.

She needn’t.  I don’t know exactly what she sees that is scary in me, but I can tell you that I’m not.  I can even back up and be respectful when I’m told that I need to just wait and see.  Do you remember in the screenplay by John Irving and the film, of course, too, when the male character tells the super hot Cherlize Theron, “Maybe if I just wait and see long enough, I won’t have to DO anything?”  That’s where I won’t compromise with a woman like her.  It’s too hard to not admit and continue to state how madly in love you are and how you are hopeful that it will work.