I’m ok.  Really I am.  I can remember feeling just like this late summer and early fall of 2008, and then when 2009 rolled around I dated three different women within six-months.  I was ferreting out what I wanted during that time.  It’s odd that I wound up spending so long after that with the same woman.  I’m glad to say that I didn’t do that in my recent ex’s holding pattern.  I could have stayed with her too if I hadn’t told her that I couldn’t approximate dating because of the way that it makes me feel…  So here I am four and a half months later, with few answers, but feeling like I put a hard stop on things that I really couldn’t tolerate.

Even if you are within the worse days of your life, it’s not ok to put someone down all the time or is it to make complaints about them.  My shortcomings wound up being mostly what we were conversing about when we finally did see each other.  That and flying off the handle got really old.  The chess board is on a shelf and there won’t be any moves anymore, and that’s fine with me.  I left it at that I agree that we don’t communicate the same, and that we CERTAINLY don’t fight the same.

One of my buddies came to dinner last night, and she spent the night in our basement.  She has been my friend for five-years.  She was in a fairly dark place last night and had actually cried at work, so she was especially vulnerable.  Her relationship is starting the bumpy cycle.  I actually don’t care for her gf much.  She does that competitive conversation thing and she also is completely self-involved.  My friend has put up with the latter a whole bunch.  Apparently, she gets sick quite a bit when she is stressed and then has been blaming it on my friend.  To me, they just don’t sound all that compatible, but the other thing is that you are responsible for your reactions to other people.  Blaming stuff on others is just a way to lack accountability for your part in things.  I think that because my friend loves her, that she probably will just put up with it, but that’s not what I want for me.  I told her, “I just wish that she listened to you, and that she didn’t seem to take you for granted.”  I know that now I will have a roommate for a year.  She is not going to move in with her gf anytime soon.  That’s cool.  I can use the money.

Remember when Tom Cruise’s character agrees with his love interest that he is just looking to be inspired?  I can inspire myself, but I’m looking for a girl who finds inspiration in a hike, a beer on the porch, listening to a song while talking, and hanging out after dinner before putting the dishes away.  I just want to connect with someone around those simple things and enjoy those moments.  I’m looking for a woman who is secure enough with herself, how she presents, and what she wants so that she can connect to me, and eventually, my son.

Busiest Sat

What didn’t I do yesterday?  I dropped my dog off at Day Care, ran a mile and quarter with one of my bosses, I did my typical Boot Camp, but we had a sub, I watched my son play soccer, I went shopping for groceries, I heard back from one of the therapists, as I plan on referring one my clients out for specific treatment, I got 3.5 inches of my hair chopped, I cleaned myself up, I had some water and met the Scorpio, I ran my 5K with a colleague and her friends, and then I had two beers with the bday entourage.  I have to write after church today, and I have to walk my dog before I go.

The Scorpio was back with her ex, so I was very careful about talking to either of them.  She touched me twice, and then her gf took her into the bar on the side, and when they returned, she didn’t touch me again.  When they left–which was way after the 5K was done and they had remained at the bar, she walked over to me and said, “It was really nice to meet you,” so now I do know that my colleague who had a bday told her that I said that she was cute.  She’s very cute.  We had that eye contact thing as we shook hands the last time, and a huge smile spread across my face.  We shall see how long she stays like her ex this time.  Again, that sounds like me.

I ran into a woman who I hadn’t seen in five-years.  I had only recently taken her phone number out of my phone.  Her gf was very cute.  She has lots of relationships, and I always think that it’s funny that I’ve dated so much too, but that is exactly why I plan on slowing down right now.  I honestly don’t want to force anything.  I want to see how girls are with their friends–I got good data on that last night with Scorpio–and I want to do stuff together first with any love interest.  I don’t even know what I would have done with my ex except hang out outside with our boys, eat dinner, and take a night walk.  I guess that we did listen to music sometimes, but often that was when we were having sex.  We had an insta-relationship.  No thanks.  That doesn’t work.  It also has not worked for me to just start having sex.

I really didn’t do that though with the last woman who I had sex with–not meaning my ex.  Peter Pan and I hung out, listened to music, ate meals together, did a summit, and talked very easily.  I was very bothered by the way that she said that she would have to be beaten by her brother to get him out of her parents house (One of her brothers is an addict.), that she lied about her career and then rolled with it, her over attachment to her roommate, and because she had a mythology about her being the most easy person in the world, she was beyond reproach.  I just wanted to have sex after karaoke one night, so I did.  Also, it did help damper the feelings that I had for my ex.  However, I did that right with delaying sex.  I did so for 7-weeks, but she lacked integrity in general.  The thing that I missed was my other new rule, and that is hanging out with friends together.  She has one guy friend who she plays golf with, and then her roommate who is straight, but her bf works out of town all the time.  So, I think that Peter Pan already had a gf, and it’s her straight roommate.

Again, there was no one of interest at the bar.  Everyone really drinks too heavily for me and others seem cliquey and phony.  I had one good conversation with a girl from the east coast who came in on an ancient Schwinn.  The bar owner who I have known for six-years helped her take it downstairs and then she gave me a tour of the whole place.  It is really cool and is definitely the best bar that she has ever run in our city.  She gave me pink boy briefs with the bar names on the crotch, so I put them over my running pants and wore them all night.  This girl on the ancient bike was good friends with Scorpio, so that was good, because Scorpio heard me making her laugh hard.  We shall call this girl Cruiser.  She was smart, but not cute, but could maybe be a good friend.  I’m going to friend her today.  Late that night, I brought her bike up from the basement and she said, “Wow, that’s impressive.”  I assumed because I just carried it up the stairs and lightly placed it right by the door instead of rolling it up, she was surprised.  I hope that Scorpio saw that too 🙂

I’m doing very well single. I know that when I network it’s good.  I want to get my dissertation done and work privately more all summer.  These paycuts from the day job have really messed me up financially.  I know that I’m getting my feet back under me and my heart healed.  I’m well on my way and have not ever actually felt this balanced.

Weekender Readiness

I slept so well.  I think that I’m going to be able to improve that without sex, which I don’t think has happened in years.  I usually sleep best when I’m able to sleep with someone with some regularity–I say, “some” because there have been times that it is just a couple of weekends a month due to just dating with no seriousness.  It was just in my last relationship wherein it was weekly because we got serious and considered blending.  I think though that I will be able to just sleep better.

I cannot wait to be done with work, supervision, and then my family clients this evening.  I’m picking up my race packet and then chilling at home.  My workout partner’s date had to cancel, so she is chilling with me too.  We should probably make dinner together.  We shall see.  I have Boot Camp far away because I need to start working out with my boss due to our half being two months away, and I have to be the first to admit that I’m not ready for it.  I need to get hotel accommodations for it at the end of the month as well.  When I get back, my son plays two soccer games back to back this Saturday, and then I have a dye and haircut.   I don’t do the former too much because it’s so expensive, but I want solid color for the race and this spring.  I’ll probably need some rest time before the 5K and bday party too.  Sunday is just church and writing and then dinner with my intern.

I need to see who can walk my dog between noon and three.  I will walk her first thing in the morning and then at night as well on Saturday, but she has done some destructive stuff a couple days in a row, and I don’t want to leave her tethered in the house.  If she didn’t bark, I could tether her outside, but she is really territorial.

We had to meet with families last night who could meet.  It was pretty slow.  I wound up bs’ing with my workout partner quite a bit. She said that when my ex contacts me again that I won’t backslide much, because I am so much healthier around the entire situation.  It’s simpler because I don’t see her and really don’t think that I will see her until the very end of September.  I’m assuming that by then, it will just be a quick how are you and how is your son.  That’s healthy.  What she wanted was not healthy.  Close friends with an ex is just weird.  Now, it is time for connecting with all my close friends and meeting some available girls.  I hope that Saturday night is a BLAST.

Single Scorpio

So, my friend was chatting me this evening and asking questions about ASD diagnosis.  I was kinda annoyed having to do shop talk while I was just logging in, and was a little short, but she didn’t even notice.  Then she told me that I needed to race one of her friends.  I had cyberstalked her page and knew the name, and this lanky blond really stood out and had an incredible body, but she has a really gummy smile.  I had dated this cowgirl who didn’t have a nice smile in December of 2008 and stopped in February of 2009.  She also had an amazing body and great ass, but her teeth were terrible.  They even made her lips chap the next morning.  She was stellar in bed too, but the teeth combined with her little girl voice killed it for me.  I’m still probably in karmic hell for my break-up with her…

Anyway, I played the age card and said that this lanky blond would waste me in a running race, and she said that they were both 32. 6-years is a big difference.  And that is opposite in the Chinese Zodiac too.  The woman with whom I had my coming out affair was 6-years older than me, so I guess that I didn’t like the smile of the woman who I should have a race with probably had a deeper meaning.  I do believe in intuition and chemistry…  Then she started talking about this other blond…

I asked her to get onto a computer and tell me when her bday was.  She’s a Scorpio.  She just got demolished by her ex partner and went back to her.  Then my colleague said, “We all screamed about her mixing with her ex,” because “that girl was toxic,” and she is not really “ready to date.”  Sounds like me.  Except I have the darkest brown hair that everyone argues is black.  But, chances are that she has light eyes.

Anyway, she and I should get to know each other if we have chemistry.  That is there or it’s not.  I wasn’t attracted to the picture of my ex, and I was to this girl’s pic.  Now, it’s the face to face thing.  And my upholding what I have promised myself, and that is dates in the daylight.  Maybe we can run or lift?  I hope she likes to hike.  I don’t care if she drinks beer.  I’m just ready to meet her, and am hopeful.

Insomnia and Goals

I have a strange relationship with things hanging over my head–they actually crash into my brain.  I have to get some paperwork done by tomorrow night, or I won’t gather data this spring.  That’s scary.  I guess that it has come to that.  It doesn’t matter much, because I have to get those things done.  I have to stay home from the day job today because I have to move money and write a big check too.

My joints are really sore.  I think that I’ll do a beer fast until Saturday night this week to give my body a break, but I know that I like it better than ibuprofen.  That’s what Saturday night and a cab are for–I get really nervous after I have had 3 when I think about malpractice insurance.  I’m hoping to run for 35-minutes on Thursday so I can get a good time on Saturday night.  I don’t know what a good time is though, but I’d like it to be under 40-minutes.  It will probably depend if it rains that night or not.  I’m assuming that running in rain at night is not a treat.  I just don’t know, because I have never run before now.

Yesterday not only did we run into the wind, but we also were freezing.  It was one of those days due to inclement conditions, you’d have been best off running in ski pants and a hat with flaps, but then the trade-off is that you would sweat buckets.  My son was in basketball shorts, REI under armor, a hoody with the hood on his head, a raincoat, and I pulled his shirt over his head that he got from the event as well.  He did sweat, but his nose also ran like crazy.  I was proud of him for finishing.  He jogged a little bit, and sprinted at least 6 times, but mostly walked at my pace, which is an extremely fast pace.

Now, I’m thinking about money (agonizing), my data and writing, that I don’t want to have clients on Tuesday (So, I don’t think I will schedule any), and my long days on Wednesday and Thursday.  I’m so tired of working a minimum of 50-hours every week.  I also need a distraction.  I don’t contact my ex at all, but I do think about her.  Most likely, much of the reason for the latter is because I don’t have a dark horse in the running.

I read through my entire journal (pen not blog) before I tried to sleep.  I talk about trying to sleep because I woke at eleven thirty and then after one, so I had to leave my bed.  I’m sore and achey, but mostly I’m really just stressed.  Anyway, in my journal, I noted that everything that I voiced and put out as intention came through.  Even though I never wrote, “I want a barista,” I wrote ad nauseum about being mellow and having no temper.  Well, Peter Pan wasn’t passionate about much other than sex in the middle of the night and some works of fiction, and certainly would not ever lose her temper.  Wow.  Careful seems good.

I like sexy.  I like smart.  I like fit.  I prefer light eyes and used to only like tall.  (The latter was removed from my notion of “type” given my little ex.)  I like honest, open, and authentic.  Those three things involve more quiet confidence.  You just are.

Shane and my ex have those elements that are referred to in the vernacular as “The Shit Show.”  However, especially with Shane, when you walked into a crowded trendy spot with her, both men and women would stare.  Probably at her swaggering 5’11” self with the power haircut, flashing smile and sparkling green eyes, but she also had that Steve McQueen thing going.  That: “I’m here and I could give two shits if you don’t like it.”  My ex can get loud and raucous, and relentlessly teases everyone at times–including wait staff–but she has that sex appeal thing and incredible eyes with a good smile.

I’m shifting in desire to more genuine.  Funny is really good, but sense of humor is even better.  Shane is not funny at all, but is much sweeter than my ex is.  She can be really genuine too, but doesn’t often remember those moments given her longterm abuse of alcohol.  I’d trade funny for appreciating laughter.  I’d also prefer a girl who does not take herself too seriously.  Life is not that serious, and there are things that happen that are so difficult that when you can’t just be, laugh, or simply soften, you’re really in for it.  I guess that it.  I do like attractiveness and intelligence, but I’m really seeking: mostly gentle.


What is it with all the driven people?  I had a massage this morning because these last two weeks at work have actually been a pile of shit from which I can’t wait to come through, and my therapist, who has been rubbing my act for 10-years told me that with our trail (We live blocks apart.) all torn up that the cyclists are getting on his nerves.  I made the analogy of marathoners and avid roadbikers and determined that they are both zealots, prior to drifting off into the land of stream of consciousness and no voluntary movement.

I’m fit.  Quite so for my age, but I would never run all the time or would I bike until I dropped.  I, frankly, have waaaay too many other things that I’m interested in doing with my time and seek balance.  Plus, I’m not driven to the degree where I live under a misapprehension that I can perfect my body or bench 150-pounds.  Well, I would feel badass if I could do the latter, but would never do 3-sets of 15 of those.  I would like to add some heavy stuff to my day C and just have to buy one of the counselors from work lunch at a soul food place for that 😉  Oddly, he is my ex’s type and actually lives just miles from her…  Small world in which we reside.

We run our family 5K tomorrow.  I hope that my ex doesn’t decide to run it with her son and dog.  Frankly, it’s her neck of the woods.  It really doesn’t matter.  I’ll embrace her, choke back tears when I hold her son, and she’ll clap me on the back–“Way to go, pal.”  So, gross.  A woman who is worth TONS of money, raised a couple of kids, and now is single parenting her own, but can’t be even slightly vulnerable.  This woman who sat in her red, wool coat all night buttoned to the top until she left without saying goodbye when we attended an event that was honestly in the memory of her father.  So driven, yet in the opposite vein, one who runs from raw emotion with the exception of when she makes love.  I’ll never understand her and know that I really don’t know her.

I vow never to be like that.  I don’t want to appear cold.  I’m not formidable, nor am I impervious.  Although I am driven to make a better life for my son and I, I do believe that true love is rare and connection means everything.  Here is to you, sweet girl, wherever you are.  I know that you’re out there and one of my drives to see you; although, I don’t know you or have I yet seen you.

Dinking around

The biker doesn’t have a gf, but I don’t think that I should fly far away just to hang out with her and have sex.  Although I could really use some sex, and believe me, I could, I don’t think that something just for the sake of doing it is a good idea.  We all have patterns.  I don’t want to go back to mine.

My last relationship was different, and I think that it is simply because I’m at a different level with respect to what I know that I do honestly want.  Just hooking up when some girl is available, or having a here and there long distance fling is not ultimately what I’m seeking.  I was different and in the end I was more heartbroken afterward because I thought that my ex and I would work through our constant fights–actually saying her jumping my shit all the time and me being in shock is more accurate–and then we’d raise our sons together.  That was a fantasy though, because she goes off on everyone, and I have left my childhood behind.  I don’t need a woman to alternately complain and yell at me.

In that song “Detours” by Sheryl Crowe she seeks someone who is awake, and while I do that, I’m not destroyed as a result of my last breakup.  She also wishes to love with a “paper thin heart.”  While the slow, year long death tore me up, and I cried a whole bunch last fall, I am not altered in terms of my ability for passionate and intimate love.  With the turn of this calendar, I have not shed a single tear and we will be midway through this year before long.  I have definitely changed though.  I didn’t know her.  I had written to church girl and I told her that I don’t want to get caught up in the land of dopamine and the elixir of passion before I truly know who a woman is.  My ex and I got sexually involved after just under two weeks, and honestly I knew that she pushes away when she thinks that someone is being casual to her.  I ignored it.  Now, I’d be less likely to ignore something weird like that, but I want to have open exchanges about how a girl fights.

Describe for me, your temper?  Is a a slow, burning kind of thing and then you finally release?  Do you fly off the handle a lot and are you easily irritated?

Have you fought with a good friend?  How did you work through it?

I used to be really hotheaded.  I’m just not like that anymore and it’s rare for me to raise my voice.  I never raised my voice at Shane–not once.  Although I must admit that she and I had that free and easy dynamic wherein we sat quietly.  In fact, she would have a soliloquy for sometimes up to two-hours because I was the only one that she talked to, and I was like a captive audience.  She didn’t ask me any questions, and I was finally glad for her to simply shut up.  I wound up really missing my friends too when I was with her for two-weeks, because we have an even talking and speaking exchange.  Some of my friends do irritate me, and if talking about it doesn’t resolve, I just take space from them.

I need to admit that I have not ever resolved conflict well with a lover.  I need to work on fighting well in my next relationship.  I know what good communication is when you fight, and when Shane was completely sober, which was rare, we could talk through things.  However, the resolution never involved her compromising with me.  It was her decision.  So, in that way I have improved.  I won’t allow a girl to bowl me over and make decisions for me either.

I think that I’m just done dinking around.  I probably won’t go home with anyone at the party in 10-days.  I may not even get any phone numbers.  I think that more than likely, I will just have some fun and laughs.  I don’t want to go back to hooking up, and I don’t want to second guess my instincts with a woman who doesn’t want to compromise either.

Snow Day

Well, it took until April, but I got it!  I always have these lofty plans that I’m going to work lightly and let my intern hold down the fort, but yesterday we had some stuff come up that only I could address.  I got up at my normal, ungodly hour, checked my email and then my job’s website, and went back to bed.  It’s so great when I can fall back asleep.  My son came in and cuddled me about an hour-and-a-half later.

So, today I’m very happy, because my son is contentedly playing Legos and I’m typing with coffee.  I’m going to make ham and cheese omelets with green onion (And I will have to omit cheese from his, because he doesn’t care for cheese much) and then work some.  But, NOT my day job.  That is closed today as are many city entities.  I won’t even check my email.  It’s not bad in my city though…  I think that most of this storm is where my ex lives.  I’m NOT complaining.  🙂  It is nice to be home, and know that I don’t have anywhere to see clients this evening either.

Our family 5K is this weekend.  We will have to get some sleep on Saturday night because we have to get up really early.  I hope that we don’t have to run into the wind.  I found out on Sunday that I don’t like doing that at all.  Rain is forecasted, so we will need our raincoats and some dry clothes.  I think that there is live music and such afterward.  I’m going to time myself, and then see how much time I can shave off of it six-days later when I run mine solo.  I would like to learn to do 5Ks in 30-minutes and 10Ks in about an hour and fifteen.  That’s my goal.

I’m in that loathing of dry spell mode.  That means that I could go home with a random girl next Saturday.  I hope that I don’t.  My preference is fun social stuff in the daylight with plenty of girls.  That is the good thing about my second 5K, because I will meet a bunch of girls during and after it when we go out for my colleague’s birthday.  I should promise myself to get phone numbers only.  These girls are way younger than me and party a lot.  I outgrew that phase about four-years ago.

I have these strange fantasies wherein I meet a girl at the Art Museum or a book talk.  I’m looking for someone who doesn’t give me shit when I make literary references or when I make jokes that are more metaphorical.  Shane used to tell me how weird I was all the time, and while that’s true, I didn’t like the way that she always had to say it.  My last ex used to give me shit about my use of polysyllabic words, and it was obvious that she was at least slightly bothered that I had made time to continue my education.  I would like to meet a girl who is comfortable where she is, and doesn’t mind that I like music, books, and art.  Peter Pan loved books and music, but she lied about where she was so she could sleep with me.

There have got to be authentic women.  I’m one.  I want to run into one.


More Randomness

I got so very little done this weekend and it’s sad.  It’s already 5:30 am and church girl is coming over for dinner tonight after my son’s dance class.  That means that I have to sweep, mop, vacuum, and clean the bathrooms upstairs.  I’m not in the mind to care much, which is sad, but I will do it.  I couldn’t run much yesterday and my feet are really sore.  I think that my body is kind of against this half marathon, but I will do it.  I’m just old.  My 26-year-old workout partner has a shin splint and says little about it, so I can deal with my bum leg and creaking feet.  It is not going to be easy, but I will finish it.  Then I plan on running only 1 – 2x a week, because it is really hard on knees and other joints.  Glad that I learned how though before I turned 39 🙂

I have to work on my dissertation today.  It’s down to the wire with data collection.  I also need to remake my night client schedule.  This stuff kills the day job, but my intern can hold up the ship today.  I’ll let her know soon and leave her a HeyTell.

We have had so much stress at work.  It’s unreal.  I will get through this week, and am glad to have taken up running, let me tell you.

We are going to get a large snowstorm.  I guess that my prayers for more moisture are working.  Haha.  The birds are talking about it. I guess that “Snow White,” is not all that fictional.  They are sounding pretty riled up already.  I need to cover up the hole our dog dug when she was still a nut puppy, and also spread the rest of the wildflower seeds so they can cold stratify and come up at the end of May.  My backyard is another thing.  Getting grass to grow in sand during a drought is a real treat.

My son’s best friend’s Mom just texted…  She is taking my son for three-hours on Saturday so I can make all the copies of my taxes to send.  I owe so much to this state.  It’s ridiculous.  She is a great friend.

The dog keeps shifting her weight all over my sore and fragile feet.  Nothing like her joints shifting all over the tops of my runner’s feet.  Lovely.  She keeps sighing too.  I think that she knows that today is a workday and will get bored with her puzzle and PB-stuffed, frozen Kong waiting for the dog walker to come.  It’s going to be so nice to only be about 30 – 35 hours away from the house instead of a minimum of 55.  I just have to get through the next 7-weeks.  You can do anything for seven-weeks, and maybe I can start meeting some nice girls too.

Fun, yet odd

We went out last night–it was a couple of my colleagues and a couple who I know who is traveling all next year and a friend who used to work with one of my friends when she lived in another state.  Like many people, she has just moved here.  The bartender was happy to see me, which struck me as odd.  I had not been to that bar in five-months and she obviously remembered me.  She has an awesome haircut, huge blue eyes, and a really incredible body.  Even my colleagues were saying how hot she was.  I flirted with her just a little bit, but in a respectful way too.

Afterward we were sitting in some straight back chairs that really could be in someone’s living room right by an open window (Yay, springtime!), I noticed a fairly butch woman sitting at the bar chatting quite a bit with the hot bartender.  I was shocked.  I told my colleague her name and said that we had a falling out about four-and-a-half years ago.  Then I was like, “This is really stupid.  Especially given that there are 58 lesbians in ______ .”  So, I got up and said, “Hey, aren’t you _____ _____ ?”  And she said, “______ !”  She embraced me a long time.  Her partner is 6-months pregnant and they bought a house in that district.  I was really impressed with that.  It’s a trendy area.

She texted me a few times too.  I need to text her back today.  I’ll be just south of there today conducting some testing in executive functioning with a client for a private boss who I have.

The other girls got there about 20-minutes later and we were laughing so hard and being obnoxious and bizarre.  We have tons of inside jokes and always create more.  The one couple is one that I hung out with all last fall through now.  I wish that they were not moving, but it’s an adventure for them.  We had a great time.

Later, they were giving me a lot of shit about not getting the bartender’s number.  Finally, I said, “You guys, she is at work.  She is swamped with drunk frat boys.  And I just saw a woman who started an orgy in my house in 2008 with a bullwhip.  I’m just not into non-organic development anymore, or just sex with no attachments where I live.”

At the time, 2008, I was super attracted to this one girl who was a childhood friend of a girl who I went to middle school with, so I engaged in some of the debauchery, but that was the year that I had remained celibate.  It was a really weird party, and an odd time for me in general.  I had only been out just under a year, and was really dealing with that I was always gay, so I did whatever occasionally.  That party was probably the oddest thing that ever happened when I was in attendance.  It was just some weird stuff and making out that went on.  We were all wasted.

This girl, who was now sitting at the bar, wound up naked sleeping in my bed.  I had to tell her that cuddling was fine, but nothing would ever happen between us.  I’m picky about who I sleep with.  The exception was Peter Pan last summer.  I just needed to have sex with someone other than my ex, and she really presented as a solid person until her lies unraveled after I hung out with her for two months.

I know where I am with respect to relationships.  I would have some flingish stuff, but it would have to occur out of state.  I would prefer to build foundations with some nice girls.  And I am gun-shy too, so it’s unlikely that I will be having intimacy with anyone around here for awhile.  I’m fine with all that too.  Time to get ready, buy cleats, watch my son, work this afternoon with a client, and then do my Day C.  At least a best buddy is making me dinner tonight.  I have a great life.


I like Astrology.  I don’t have much use for anything past an ascendent, but I think Sun, Moon, and Ascendent are cool, and of course, I do think about Venus placement right now too, but I don’t think much of the other planets in daily stuff.  Anyway, in the summer time when my ex was planning her coup (Meaning that she was ready to sleep with me after a three month hiatus.) she said that her soul number was 9 and that mine was probably 9 too based on Astrology and bday and stuff.  It’s not. It’s 4.  Apparently, you get along best with your soul number when it’s the same or if you’re even, being with another even number.

I had some weird stuff transpire on Tuesday and a friend of mine gave me some immediate feedback.  In the end, she had seen a sign off of a road with the word, “Fair” on it, and the first date of the fair was her Mom’s bday, and the second date of the fair was the day that she was in surgery to save her Mom’s life. (Her mother did not live.)  Later she sent me a HeyTell at 4:44 having no idea that 4 is my number and said that she was thinking of that sign “Fair” and that she was between two cars.  One was 444 in the number section, which her Mom always said is an angelic number, and the one behind her was 999.  So, I don’t think that it is time to do the “friends” card with my ex.  Some day, maybe, but right now I just don’t want any of her energy and definitely not her non-emotional, rational, and combative self that she is championing at this point in time.  She is on her own path.

So, I had an incredible day yesterday.  I had to confront a colleague about her insensitivity and general lack of professionalism.  I had to give a parent a good news, bad news scenario about her 11-year-old in terms of ability and possible diagnosis.  My client who really needs to (by her own admission) stay consistent with her counseling just skipped session without so much as a text.  And, I ran a 5K on the treadmill.  My heart rate average was 160 as well.  I also was able to talk to my workout partner for the duration, so I have built up some endurance.  I would like to run outside on Sunday, so I’m going to with her.  I have not ever done pavement–well, not since 6th grade.  Our family 5K is next Sunday.  Our dog is so crazy that I’ll have to get in a zen place with her darting and beg the nature Gods not to put a rabbit in our path.

It sure is rare to be a licensed psychologist in the area where I work.  I’ll probably have to leave, which is just part of my journey.  It’s inconvenient, and will involve probably my getting on the road thirty minutes earlier than I do now, which will be challenging for my son, but I think that it’s time for me to move on to a place where I can get settled.  I also have to complete this doc, so it’s the last step.  I will need to stay put though, if they complete my training.  That sounds like I’m becoming a Jedi…  I wonder what Yoda’s soul number was?

Leave the fear

I am going to do some vertical climbing.  I’ve never done it, and am very scared of heights, but it’s guided and was only $50.  I have to wrap my brain around it, but I just don’t believe in living with fear.  I started climbing mountains in 2008, and I have done some ledges and the like in addition to being on all fours when it gets steep, but I have not done vertical….  Yet.

I was driving up a forest road in my old Accord in 2008–it’s actually a very nice car, but I had to give it to my ex out of fairness–and parts of this road were missing at the time.  People kept turning around and I was like, “Nah.”  So I did this weird maneuver around the side of the ditch and then swung the wheel 180-degrees, but I dented the shit out of my oil pan.  It’s not like when you do something like that you can exactly turn around, so I just bombed up, but my car was smoking and lead to my having to repair it later.  The roads were turning from private, to missing, to zoned for parks, to National Forest Roads, so when there was a switchback later and a little driveway, I just turned around.  It was 5:45 in the morning.

I wound up driving around an old mining site and to a paved road, and finally parking low in a pass area.  That is how I completed my first summit, and I did it solo.  It was a much more difficult mountain in terms of technicality at the end and hugging a sawtooth and some scree when you would wind up a bit off trail, but I did it, and I did it completely on my own.  The latter was kinda stupid, so I did wind up climbing with another person after my first summit.

I think that is interesting, because I’m actually terrified of heights, but that’s the whole thing… I don’t believe in being hobbled by our fears.  People say trite stuff like “Face your fears,” but more than that is examining what you can do to pass through them.  I don’t think that when you live somewhere as beautiful as I always have with the exception of when I was in undergrad and my first round of grad school that you should let things that make you anxious rule you.  So, I just don’t.

I have given away my heart and been nakedly vulnerable.  I have completed 11-summits.  I have paddled down a strange river through tree roots and under swampy trees and weird spiders.  I have hung onto the back of a girl on motorcycles and jet skis.  These are not my comfort zones, but I have changed as a result of engaging in these activities.

So, now, in June, I’m going to climb some verticals with equipment.  Ultimately, I will be glad that I tried it.  Face what terrifies you.

I think that the path to being whole is truly being authentic and honest with yourself.  That is so easy to say, but really difficult to work through when you examine and then change.  With being vulnerable and naked with your emotions, it is worth the gamble, because you just change.  I think that when I give the sermon, I would like that to be a thematic tie.  I need to take a peek at my readings and face that fear too.  I speak in public all the time, but don’t have to talk about things that I’m not deep in understanding or require me to connect to my experiences.  But, that is the whole approach to being spiritual right?  It’s not dogmatic, sanctimonious, or does it suggest that one way is right.  It’s scary, but I want to face it like my vertical that is coming up too.

Lucky lessons

Church was cool and like a culmination of things, which is probably what it should be like, on Easter Sunday.  I had a pretty damn busy Monday with two acute cases in addition to my regular afternoon caseload.  I think that I finished set A, but I can’t remember, because the weight room was packed when my partner and I got there and I was not in the mood to keep good count.  (I mean my workout partner, and not my partner-partner.)  I was angry yesterday, and the weights helped, but I know that I didn’t spend what should have been my last 30-minutes of my night wisely, because I drank beers and chatted two of my work colleagues who have become friends.  I stayed up way too late and had pretty shitty sleep.  The nights that I have class can be long if I don’t get down time in between.  I will think about tonight, which is only 11-hours of work including a run, as a gift as is getting home at 6.

I was thinking about the message today, rather than yesterday or even in particular during church.  (I had a lot to do during the service.)  Our pastor told us that the gifts that we have been bestowed were freely given, so they are to be used as an extension of our hearts and our true selves.  Meaning that we can express them in a manner of our choosing.  That gave me a lot of clarity this morning.  I figured if you get anything from a relationship with someone that is actually a gift if was freely learned.  You simply cannot make someone understand or get something from you, but if you come out changed, it is ultimately a good circumstance for you.

I’m ready to date again.  I know that I am.  I wish that it was simple to meet nice girls.  I also wish that the bar scene was a bit different, but it’s not, and I don’t think that I will meet a wonderful girl in a bar, but I could.  It will have been four-months since I have kissed anyone in just two weeks.  That is a good amount of space.  I had heard that half the length of your previous relationship is optimal, and interestingly, that would be during my evil mud obstacle race.  Can you meet your one when she is covered in head to toe with mud?