Category Archives: Winter

I believe in the power of seasons and the turn of a calendar. These entries are my Winter ones after I found what I want and want to build.

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She told me she will never move

So, I was floored.  I got mean.  I apologized.  I want to hold that she didn’t come at me from a place of love, but at first that we had a shelf life, which colored the whole conversation and fucking crushed me.  I think at this age that you don’t fit neatly into a woman’s life.  It’s also complicated when you are blending kids that you birthed independent of one another and have dreams for them.

I want:

1. Someone to build a life WITH me and being willing to make compromises

2. Sexy

3. Smart

4. Funny

5. Sees good in me

6. Adaptable and balanced with her approach to things

I’m going to ask if I can come to her on Friday and play with her son on Saturday this weekend.  I’m actually going to do it right now.  I am not as raw as I was that she didn’t approach me from a place of love now, because love for her bike and lake is greater because it’s longer-term.  That is actually a good analogy for most things.

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I can feel her

Oh, my girl and I have had some nice exchanges, messages, and direct conversation this week!  It’s amazing to be this connected to a woman and that is brand new for me.  I’m no stranger to when I’m dating someone to watching my phone and being encouraged when she calls or texts, but with her, I can sense her and we have synchronistic channellings of each other.  It’s odd to be with a girl who you are so much alike and sometimes that makes the sparks fly when we disagree or just have a different timing or less intense reaction.  It’s completely bizarre for me to be with a girl more intense than me too.

Again, I used to be like her.  Friends called me a hothead and now I’m more into waiting and then engaging when I feel solid and know what I’m going to say.  I have cultivated a lot of patience and it serves my son and I well.  I’m also patient with her.  She gets down because I forget some things or repeat something that I’ve said.  Like I’ve held for a long time, she has high standards.  I know that my standards were not lowered, it was just that I had resigned myself to thinking that it was not in my path to have a partner.  Now, I’ve revised my list.  Revisions occur because I’ve found my partner.

1. I want someone who is willing to gamble and shake it up with me.

2. #1. Includes building a life with me in a place that is new for both of us.

3. Making new paths together and valuing the close ones who matter.

4. Listening fully and openly to concerns that I have.

5. Realizing that I’m the one who she wants.

These are the intentions that I’ve been putting out for a week solid.  They have resulted in some good interchanges coming to fruition.  We are really on the same page right now.  I don’t want her to think about the future per se, but just love time with me and be open to us as a possibility.  We are honestly building our future currently.  The only thing I think that I need to practice now is saying, “Shh…  Let’s be still and enjoy.  There is now, and we are each other’s future.  Let’s work that out in the fall when our calendar has completely turned together.”  I’m feeling a new energy, and dammit, I LIKE it.

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What a difference a day makes

And a night.  Amen.  I want this venture to work.  I know that now that I’m older and certainly wiser that I’m ready to get married.  I want to build a whole life out of choices and experience mystery and that unfolding that only comes when someone ignites everything inside of you.  When she talks about things, I get hot.  When she looks into my eyes, I meet her gaze and feel heat rising to my face.  When she kisses me, it burns into me.

I have no idea why I told her…  Again, I’m sometimes like Homer Simpson, but I have burned out on kissing everyone.  There was this time period wherein I actually stopped kissing my ex, and then when she would kiss me, I’d stop.  We didn’t even enjoy each other when we were intimate and got sort of a business like approach to it when we did have sex.  Very odd.  There is nothing business-like with my girl.  She fucking slays me.

How does one keep it going?  How do you build trust and how does she know that you are really that boring?  You don’t do anything that is odd or not part of what you mean.  You just want only her and know that if she would let down her guard–not worry, never second-guess, and just take a total leap of faith that you’d do anything for her and her son?

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A little bit of flexibility

So, Friday we spent the night together and it was good to talk and connect.  We were both exhausted, and again, I think that as we are both mothers, Friday nights can be kinda like collapse time rather than anything hot and probably always will have that flavor if we decide to make the plunge.  If we do, I would hold firm that she and I pick something…  Together.  I don’t think that it’s equitable to move into somebody’s house where they have memories from previous stuff and I don’t think that either of us moving into the other’s house makes sense.  She has held firm that my area is NOT an option.  Although I do love it here, and have spent 30-years total in this city, I have some bad memories. I would be willing to move.  Not into anybody’s house.

Let’s go back to the drunk.  She wanted my son and I not only to move 6-states away, but she also wanted us to move into her parent’s house!  Not that they were there yet, but who the fuck wants to live in somebody else’s house?  How is that making dreams and decisions together?!?  And that’s what I’m looking for.  I’m looking for someone to make some decisions WITH me.

The town of compromise actually has some good schools in it too.  Ethnic and cultural diversity is important for me as well, and it’s a stone’s throw away from a great little city.  As long as we could financially make it make sense, I would be down for a move in about two-years.  I could easily give up my house and I would like it if we could make some new friends and connections together.  When you are this age, you don’t always fit into your partner’s friends circle easily.  I think that my friends in general are accepting and just glad that I’m in love for real with someone, and I’ll always see them.

So tonight is actually a date-date.  Which is good.  I need some intimacy and connection in that realm.  It’s odd that I put such a high premium on it, but I do.  With her, it’s so incredible too and has it’s own set of emotions that are tied to it.  You can honestly feel love expressed physically, and I thought that stuff was bullshit until now.  Truly.

Well, it’s not.  She is who I want to build a life with in the future.  I want us to raise our boys and have at least one more kid, but do that together.  Closely aligned with that is that I want us to do everything together, which includes working on the nuts and both conjointly of cohabitation.  I love her.

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I just don’t know

Pause, pause, pause.  I don’t think that I’ve done that badly. I think that most of my entries are about what an asshole I am.  I’m not that bad.  I drive in traffic and have exclusively since December and my schedule is tight, but I don’t think that makes me a bad person.  There are some things that you don’t want in a gf.  The reason that I know is because I have done A LOT of dating. I keep thinking that is probably a good thing for every woman to do.

I’m telling you if we don’t see each other this weekend that I will probably have a lot of trouble continuing.  I don’t feel particularly acknowledged for what I do, but I do know a laundry list of things that are my shortcomings.  That is super imbalanced for me and not the way in which I aspire to live my life.  I will give her this card and the personal present that I designed though no matter if I just drop it off or not.  I do love her.

She has TONS of complaints about me.  That’s actually intriguing to me, which is a little sick, I suppose.  I haven’t been with anyone who was bothered by anything about me less my intensity and abrasiveness.  It makes me think that some of my shortcomings are unique to our union and I always come back to how similar we are.  I have said this to my psychologist, and I will say it again, I think that her level of criticalness is much like how I used to be.  I’m just different now and much of it stems from being completely alone and dating.  I’m strong on my own too, so I don’t need to tell others anything about themselves.  What’s problematic for me is the lack of gratitude for the fact that I’m trying harder than I ever have and that it still doesn’t seem to be enough.  I won’t be enough.  I’m terribly imperfect and don’t apologize for it.  Everyone has drawbacks.

There are some things that I don’t think that she’d compromise on anyway.  My son and I don’t fit simply into the life that she has either.  It’s not really just my friends down here; although, they are my family, but it’s my lifestyle.  I have tons of schools to choose from and literally live on a bike trail.  I don’t have to use my car much in two months, and won’t except when I’m climbing in the summer after my son learns to ride.  I try to live greenly too and the commute kinda makes me feel badly–it’s a lot of gas and emissions.  We don’t live close together.

This is a completely new tone for me and it’s impersonal. I think it stems from some resentment from not being acknowledged and being told that I’m something that I’m not.  I follow a schedule and I think that all women in our age group do, so that’s not being self-involved.  I don’t want shit pinned on me.  Damn, I am hurt.  I’m not sure what I’ll decide this weekend.

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Made it through a beginning of the month weekend

The moon is nearly full, is it not?  It was tenuous all weekend and then as usual, something that I said, which followed logically for me was inflammatory for her yesterday.  Shit, just after she had just called me “honey” too.  I think she gets what I was saying now, but it’s so weird to piss off your gf all the time and have to explain yourself.  Part of this is my fault, because the peeps who I hang out with have known me four-years at a minimum.  They get me.  I’m in your face, and totally WYSIWYG.  The thing is that I’m a good person and a nurturer.  I’m not used to be challenged at the character level.  I have a good soul and would do anything for my friends.

So, it still feels like I barely dodged yet another break-up.  It’s a shitty pattern.  I don’t feel safe at all.  It’s the way things are with a woman who has to look for loopholes for a living though, so it’s probably my lot until she trusts me.

I want to be with her this weekend.  I miss the way that she smells and feels.  Friday can’t come soon enough for me and I can’t wait to connect to her.  I love her.

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Maintaining

So, I have completely lost it before after a break-up, but that was well over four-years ago.  If that’s what this hand holds, I won’t go off the deep end and will instead reach out to friends and get things done.  Forward motion is best.  One of my good friends relocated to the East Coast a few years ago because her husband is completing his residency and I was talking to her several weeks ago right after my gf had broken up with me a second time, and she said, “Don’t you get it?  She’s testing to see if you will leave her.”  I was baffled because I won’t.  I’m here, and I have never said anything else aloud or held in my heart that she’s who I want to be with.  Another friend of mine with whom I work said, “You know that she is going to break-up with you again, so all you can do is change your reaction to it.”  I guess that I need to change my reaction to that I have not heard, “I love you,” in five days too, because I do love myself, so I should assume that she loves me too.

I had an appointment with my Psychologist last night and talked through all of it and she said, “She has been through so much and continues to go through more, so what you can do is stay balanced.”  I said, “I don’t want to get broken up with because I can’t do it again!”  She said, “Why?  What will happen if she tells you that she doesn’t want to be with you anymore.  You have a lot of evidence and you believe also that she wants to be with you, so why can you not ‘do it’?”  And I really had to ponder that one, honestly.  Why does it matter if I get a cold e-mail or text today?  I can just call her and say, “I don’t want to write or talk about this stuff right now.  Let’s take a week because you have had probably the worse week of your life, and then let’s talk face to face.”  I need to maintain my sense of balance and not get thrown off.  I don’t like being there.  I want to stay with what I want and be stronger than I ever have been.

I guess my other entries were pretty rigid.  I had this sense of what I will and won’t put up with or something.  I want to build a life with her.  She is amazing.  She may be on the fence about me, but I’m certainly not about her, and honestly, my maintaining what is the truth for me is all that I can honor.

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Need for me

I know that I need to write today, and I knew that before she left me her message.  She will begin a cycle of grief.  I think that is completely personal.  So, I’m going to write what I know right now.

I love her.  I want to build a life with her.  She is like no one.  She has the highest standards of anyone who I’ve ever met.  I’m not easily intimidated.  I’m so good on my own too, so we will see what our future holds as some more time passes.  I know that if she breaks up with me for good that I’ll be just fine and will keep on doing what I do.

I was a bizarre shell of a human being for a year and still exhibited some questionable behaviors afterward after I finally came out.  Why didn’t I come out sooner?  The funny thing is how big of a lesbian I am.  I would say that in terms of femininity, I am pretty middle-of-the-road, and certainly men look at me and the ballsy ones will approach me and hit on me, but it’s pretty rare that I have to come out to anyone.  The quintessential Tomboy, and very much into playing hard, laughing and being physical are part and parcel of who I am at my core.  When kids from high school found out that at 23 I had married, the common reply was, “______, is married?  To a man?”  I stayed in that marriage for nine years too, which was baffling given how little we had in common and our playmate role even had fallen away after about 5-years of knowing each other.  This fall I have known him 18-years.  He’s ok, but doesn’t have any goals so I sometimes I have trouble respecting his decisions.  I have not missed living with him for what will be five full years this fall.  That’s the thing, I’m loyal and want what’s best for others…  Historically…

We had started working through this relationship and couple’s text and some of the preliminary chapters combined with my blogging and my own therapy has lead me to know that part of me has fallen away.  I’m only still loyal.  Now, I want what is best for me and my son.  I broke up with my with ex because she was a drunk and a control freak.  I don’t think that she ever loved me.  The woman who I had my coming out affair with didn’t ever really love me either.  I know, too, that my ex-husband never loved me either, but was young and interested in propriety and doing right by his family.  I get that.  We have some similar values.

Now, I want what’s best for me and my son.  The stupid dating shit that I’ve done isn’t good for either of us, and yields my feeling empty.  I like how circumspect I have become based on my lessons yielded from dating hell.  I’m a lesbian version of a “Sex in the City” character, seriously.  I’m just not an empty sex afficionada, so I can’t be Shane.  Of course, I have had sex most months for two years, so that’s probably easier for me to say, but I would prefer not to have another FB.  Those kinds of unions do not yield a relationship.  Even if I try, those kind of girls that you start out just doing are not the ones who I want to settle down with because I’m pretty concrete.  If I get together with you because I want to have sex, that’s what I want.  If something organically develops, it still probably was based in lust and not in being compatible.  I’m looking for settling down with someone and growing together, or I’ll just have sex occasionally and do my thing.  I’m an independent and strong woman and won’t settle.  Not even a little.

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Ready for whatever my path unfolds

Who knows?  I don’t.  She is going through a horrible time.  Simply awful.  I can just show up for her and her son, and be who I am.  Even if that person is one who is defensive and wonders about how likely it is that I’m going to get some concrete or for sure stuff so that I can feel safe, or if I can continue on this path with a woman who is like no other.  I don’t know a person at all like her and I have tons of friends and work with the public.  She is unique and awe-inspiring.

I spent most of this weekend with her.  I’m tired, but feel pretty good on the whole.  I just wish that we had some time just with us, but with both of us being mothers, that will always be few and far between.  I think that I could have supported her more if we hadn’t been parenting her boy–who I simply adore–all weekend, but I think that at times of crisis, that kids are a very good distraction.  He is a sweet, funny, and a cheerful little guy.  They help.  I can remember playing with Hot Wheels and Matchbox cars with my son when I was on autopilot for about 7-months when I had just come out and finally moved my heart and mind away from my coming out affair.  The latter is difficult.  I was really messed for some time.  Then with lots of dating, I really weeded out what I don’t want.

I don’t see drawbacks with her.  I do think that she is more sensitive than I, so I have to watch how I react and ensure that I’m doing what is asked, but I’m not sensitive, so we don’t always see situations the same.  Frankly, I’ve had enough relationship experience to know that she is hard to find.  She is sexy, an incredible dancer, smart, funny, quick, athletic, and has the best body and eyes that I’ve ever seen.  I want to be with her and build our life.  That does not waver.  She is the one who I can see being with for the long haul and raising our complete family.

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Finally

I can’t believe it is finally back to where it needs to be.  Of course there is never going to be an erasure, but at least she knows that she needs to work on some things.  I am continuing.  I’m here.  I’m in love with her and believe that she is my one, but I’ve come to the cold, hard fact that you may not be able to be with your one in some lifetimes.  I had a reading in 2008 and I’m supposed to be just starting to come into my own as of October of the year before last.  I certainly knew in that month that I was never going to move, so I do believe it.  This October I was on top of the world in love and sure that we would build a life together.  She changed after Thanksgiving.  I have not.

She said that she wants to have more fun with me and be in the moment.  There is no other place that we can be because of the infrequent times that we can actually see each other.  It’s rare.  We had a nice time after the kids got calmed down on Tuesday and her Mom was there too, and I will get a date on Sunday, which will be nice.  I’m very much looking forward to this extended weekend in general.

I can hear my tone.  I’m cautious, and I didn’t ever have any caution with her and now it’s here.  It can make me matter-of-fact, but maybe by my being aware of my trepidation, I can instead make space for it, and then I can just be me and that girl is fun and caring.  I can do that.  I probably need a mantra.  I continue to say what my therapist says and that’s “You can’t bend the river.”  I know that it flows and you don’t stop it.  I want to get back into fun and never be without passion.

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“Though I may be going down, I’ll take the flame over burning out”

Wow.  I have never, ever, had lovemaking anything like this or have I been completely looked through by a woman.  She knows where I am and it overwhelms me; although, she is more likely to accuse me of being “sappy,” when I get emotional, because what she wants is only immediacy, except when we are in the the throws of passion and she tells me that it better be her that it’s like this with and it sure as hell is!  I’m pretty sure that I’m going to get my heart broken.  Dashed, slammed, ripped out and served to no one in particular, because mine is hers when she didn’t even ask for it.

So, what will I get?  Dating for awhile until she completely breaks up with me and waiting for that noose whose hangman I tempted when I was sure that she was in love with another girl and completely enmeshed with another who still needed her although she has a new relationship with an unlikely character.  I was terrified of what I had done.  I had fallen in love with a woman who I didn’t even know.  I had made out with her and wanted so much more, as we shared dreams and visions.  We are so compatible.  I think that it’s time that I work through what she says is my ultimate untrustworthy act.  I’m going to, but I think it’s a safe place to go back to, because she can say that I did it all and did not include her in my thinking, which while true, she has told me since then that I’m her one, she wants me to be hers, and that we have it.  Until just before the holidays when she got re-triggered and now she ALWAYS goes back to an early fall exchange.  Ultimately, she gets triggered now, and then she references this dark place because she knows it and it’s safe in a way.  She can control the trajectory and say that it’s because of what I did.

Here goes.  Been waiting too long.  Have a microbrew and I need to do it now or I’ll chicken out again.

So I did it, and frankly it FREAKED me out.  The phrase is not in the exchanges.  It’s simply not there.  There is also an e-mail in which I explained that I didn’t withdraw, but rather was protecting my heart.  Then there are exchanges after that in which she concedes that I was just protecting myself and she is in that mode now too.  So, why would she go back there if it was sorted and I never really said it anyway?  Last night I was reeling in hurt and anger.  So, I went out and had some laughs.  I reread page, after page of e-mails, and was baffled before I went to bed late last night.

I’m sorry, but I slept on it–which I’m so proud that I did, but if we can’t put it to rest particularly when the phrases is not in the exchanges and then I explained where I was emotionally, which at that point was accepted, then I can’t do this right now.  I just can’t.  Yesterday when I left, I felt like my soul got ripped out when she said that we don’t have to have any heavy discussions or figure out forever.  Ouch.  Especially after the passionate exchanges.  Too much back and forth, and I can’t navigate it.  I could totally do this type of casual stuff with an FB, but I cannot do it with my one.  I’m going to listen to that Ingrid Michaelson song again.

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Perhaps it is karmic retribution

I had to laugh a bit, because I remember in a Simpson video game that I played before I had my son, in which Homer would scream, “Damn you Karmic retribution!”  I have to find some humor in this situation, which really could be derivative of all the vagary that my ex and I went through last spring that ultimately ended in the summer.  I would try to have the “you are not right for me and what I want,” convos but she would FREAK out on me.  She also had problems with alcohol abuse, so it made these types of ending discussions that much worse.  We had some trips planned, so we just saw them out.  I was done, but did fly one last time because I figured given I had spent a couple of years with her, so I owed her F2F for that final convo.  That was a scary few nights, but it is all good.

Things have been off for some time, but then we would have good times in between, so I’m wondering, and it begs the question really, is this what I did?  The main difference is with the exception of saying some things that have been hurtful on about four occasions, I have been very good to her.  My ex was a drunk and volatile and not good about keeping in touch with me.  There were many week periods that we didn’t even talk on the phone, and we were distance!  She was not the most conscientious.  I may be an asshole and somewhat insensitive at times, but I’m a nurturer to a fault and I’ve done lots of ground work for this relationship.  That’s the difference.

There are other parallels too.  I re-read the Dear John we have no foundation letter that I wrote to my ex in September of 2010.  I told her that because we started the way that we did, and she had no space between the other girl who she was always with while with me, prior to moving and then wanting to just go exclusive with me, that we really had no future.  My one tells me that when I sent the slow-it-down e-mail that I permanently hurt who we could be.  I get that.  Although, I never believed that my ex was my one, and in fact, I didn’t believe in a one UNTIL now.  With my ex, I do remember always thinking that we could never be serious because we were non-exclusive FBs who met in a bar.  Seriously.  That’s not a foundation.  So, if I screwed up our foundation, perhaps it is like the Justin Timberlake song.

My best friend said “Nothing is that simple. Especially karma.  Give her time and space.”  I will, but I can’t see her alone too much because I want to rip out my soul.  It kills me.  I want to take her into my arms, kiss her neck, and take off her clothes.  When someone is overwhelmed with everything that is the last thing that she wants.  So, I can hang and have family time, but I have to preserve me.

I think that this entry probably sounds whiny.  Or that I somehow expect my path to be easy and what I’m entitled to.  I don’t believe that deserve has much to do with it, but again, she is all I want and I can’t imagine anyone else touching me.

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Waiting

I knew it was inevitable, but I figured that I had until the end of March.  I have been completely off with regard to the timing of things.  I get what that means!  I have made some predictions based on patterns of behavior, but I have noted that people who I know or know through others have been accelerated in terms of decisions that are made or courses of action.  We live in this fast-paced world wherein everyone responds with fervor and tying things up as fast as they can.  Over the years, and in my last pseudo relationship, I learned that slowing down has its benefits as does delaying gratification and waiting to respond.  I can’t believe that I have actually learned that lesson and can apply it myself.  This epiphany is especially unbelievable when I watch my son.

He gets so pissed all the time when things don’t respond as quickly as he’d like them to, or when they take time to develop.  I know that I used to feel that way, but I just don’t now.  Five-years waiting for a true connection yields patience as does raising a kid like mine who is intense and lacks coping skills.  The latter, I never had.  I coped with things that I shouldn’t have and have done so amazing well.  But, I was never even remotely patient and just expected things to work.  Sometimes they don’t, and other times, they do with the passage of time.  You just don’t know and you have to trust, like my psychologist says, “That you can’t bend the river.”

What will I do?  Write a book.  Literally.  Done with coursework does not mean done with a doctoral degree.  I’ll also do what I’ve done for going on five-years, and that is be good to my parents and friends, and parent my son.

What will she do?  Probably tell me her perspective.  Think that she has mine figured out.  Miss the way that we connect on every level.  Maybe give me a chance.

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It’s actually hard

Want to know how you really are in love?  Because I’m trying desperately not to call and text because she wants me to slow down, and it is difficult.  I took down my old blog, but because it has so many entries and in my opinion illustrates my personal growth, I continue to reference it.  I used to be able to either walk away from a relationship or just wait to be contacted.  I can’t do that now.  It is agonizing and I also need her arms around me and to feel her kisses.  Here is how I felt in 2009:

“So, we have spoken…  And not texted, but we actually had a 45-minute convo on the phone, and with the exception of the end, it was really nice, and made me think that I probably should have called her some while we were f-buddies, but that was likely not meant to be.  The unsettling part of it to me was not that she and the other girl are now exclusive, because as I told her that was the natural order of things because she has known her nearly two years, and been sleeping with her for seven months, but it was rather her response.  She said, “Well, I won’t have to do this very long anyway because I want to start that new job (out-of-state) by November 1st.”  Ouch–made me glad that I wasn’t the one who is “exclusive” with her.” (me)

I didn’t talk to her after that.  She texted me on the last day of that year and texted her back.  It was a NYD reconnection, which was what I thought to be romantic at the time, but I was on to her by the end of January and went back to no contact unless contacted or just not saying anything.  I’m good at it.

I was.  I’m sure not now.  I want her.  I’m prepping for next year for my son and it feels so false.  We don’t talk too much about it either.  She started going upstairs yesterday when we spoke in the morning and said she’d call me back when I told her about the public school lottery.  We didn’t talk about it again yesterday and she is being causal with me right now.  It is so painful to 1) hear that, and 2) I know somewhere that it’s that she is scared of getting over-extended with me.

She needn’t.  I don’t know exactly what she sees that is scary in me, but I can tell you that I’m not.  I can even back up and be respectful when I’m told that I need to just wait and see.  Do you remember in the screenplay by John Irving and the film, of course, too, when the male character tells the super hot Cherlize Theron, “Maybe if I just wait and see long enough, I won’t have to DO anything?”  That’s where I won’t compromise with a woman like her.  It’s too hard to not admit and continue to state how madly in love you are and how you are hopeful that it will work.

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Convergence in Threes

I have always believed that circumstances occur in threes and that they are moving together to form a union.  I have taken lessons from my personal theory of convergence.  Two-years ago, I was FURIOUS with my most recent ex, I saw the woman who I believe to be my one, and I was talking with the woman who broke my heart.  I asked her this weekend what that meant and she said, “Past, present, and future.”  The thing is that the latter is not definite.  Your future is only what lies right in front of you and what you are dealing with currently.  You can make plans and you can always hold out for hope, but you only have now.  Kabat-Zinn has it right!

I want to be with her.  I want to raise our sons.  I would like to have another child too.  Have I mentioned–perhaps in this entry–that I’m NOT Buddhist.  Boy, I’m not.

The thing is that we have the connection thing and our intimate life is earth-shattering and has the making of what could last because of our similarities.  That fact yields more desire and passion than either of us know what to do with and winds up being difficult during our busy weeks.  We certainly are not free from desire.  And we are both strong women.

We talked out in complete the whole misconception that we had at the end of September.  We may not have conceded that the other was right, but we met in the middle, didn’t get bogged down in detail, and made a plan for how we could move forward if we were emotionally triggered or had fears that lead to any problems with our connection.

I want to be honest, that Sunday nights are actually shit.  I sit here and want to be back in bed with her, smell her skin, stroke her long hair and kiss her cheeks and forehead.  She makes the little things warm and connected, and when she and I talk for the final time each night, and I hear fatigue in her voice, it tears up my soul to not be able to run her a bath, light the candle that I got for her and make her a new playlist with songs like “Answer” on them to let her know that I will always keep the balance.  That is something for all of my drawbacks that I can do.

So, I want to get married.  I want to raise kids and have one more.  We are back to the illustrious three, which typifies all unions, imho.  She and I though are not converging, but I still hold hope that we will take this year to see what we have and if we can make sense of these events that have not been random, but were there so we could really meet rather than seeing each other across a wine bar when she had a girlfriend, I was in a bizarre love triangle, and a woman who I had not slept with in over two-years (back in 2010) held more of my attention that night than she should have.  I want to find my pattern of three that leads us to where we are supposed to be.

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Slowing it all down

“If you have the last hands that I want to hold, then I know that I’ve got to let them go,” are pretty powerful lyrics.  I get it too.  It’s funny how after you date for awhile that you start to understand your patterns better.  I got pretty thrown off and caught up here, but I got the whole slow it down e-mail, which coupled with the disagreements is not boding well for me and my feelings of safety.  I trust her, but I don’t feel secure right now, and will have to see what these next two months feel like.  I have always held that it takes as Proulx writes, “a full turn of the calendar” to actually get to know another person.  Although she was writing about grief, it holds true with relationship too.  Here is what I used to think and some of it has changed, but only in slight:

“Honestly, I think that people force compatibility.  They have an idea of what they are looking for, and then put all of that into the person who they are dating.  They don’t see the whole person, or acknowledge what can be intuited, but instead ignore what they really are feeling.  I believe that many times it is because they fear being alone.  Often, they wind up living together without truly seeing who the other person is or just observing him or her and taking note of what kind of person is in front of them.” (me, 2009)

The thing that has really altered for me is that I really DO know what I’m looking for.  I want stability, and I want to matter and be treated well, I want to be thanked for the little things that I do and not be taken for granted, I want passion, I want time outdoors…  And, I want another child.  That’s the whole thing that can kinda screw me up and take me off balance at times.  I need to acknowledge that in myself and realize that I’ll never be a Buddhist because I really do have wants and desires.  I’m not as detached as I try to be.

So, what am I going to do now?  I’ll just be less fervent with contact.  We are both pretty busy and honestly, if I’m just one of the pack in a busy life, that won’t be enough for me.  The funny thing is that I love my friends and do anything for many of them, but during the week, I just chill with my son and keep up with them as needed.  I had a traditional dinner party last night and it was fun.  I like the  laughter and convo in my kitchen and love to cook.  I want to do some stuff like that, but only every other month.  Although I am a classic extrovert, I did learn one more lesson besides letting things go, and loving water from my last relationship.  I learned that silence is really golden and slowing down and being simply mindful when you can has it’s virtues.  Right now I’m hardly in a space of a quiet mind, but I am writing and expressing before my long day gets rolling.  It helps me to frame where I am and where I want to go.

I want us to work, but I don’t know if she’s in for the long haul.  We are both passionate, but I don’t feel like I meet her needs and can’t do that for very long.  I like to be good at what I do.  Plus, I think that I’m a great catch.  I don’t know which way it will turn out, but I can tell you that I’m intuitive and she is watching me with great skepticism right now.  That’s ok, I’m an observer too, and some of my observations have lead me to wonder if I can be perfect for her.  Perhaps no.  I’m ok with that too.  We shall see.  Tristan Prettyman says, “I’m not surprised that you still call, I’m more surprised that I don’t answer.”  I guess we all have surprises in ourselves that connections with others tend to reveal.

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The land that I love

I took my son to the best state in the world this weekend.  We saw mountains, rivers and even palm trees toward the end of the afternoon on Sunday.  We had taken a train ride down the state and wound up where it doesn’t snow.  I love it here.  I want to be done with my clinical license and have a good practice going so I can start up a mortgage in one of these counties on a cabin.  I feel alive down here in a way that is not even paralleled when I summit a mountain.  It’s a need.  I hope that although he will only be six, that he understands it.  He was tired and bratty all day yesterday, so I will see this morning.  He is still sleeping and must have a slightly runny nose, because he’s snoring.  Ha.

I talked with her last night and basically complained about how bad it was to have an overstimulated, exhausted child all day.  I went ahead against my better judgment and pushed forward with plans, which I probably shouldn’t have, but the train ride was amazing.  More for me than him, perhaps, but with kids you always wonder what they’ll remember.  We shall see.  We talked about her Saturday, which sounded pretty good, and then we connected about us.  I’m hoping that she will really give us some time to see.  I don’t know.  I think that although she says that it is a process of discovery, she may or may not continue it.  That’s because relationships are so much work.  I know that I’m worth it, but you don’t get to decide that for the other person, so I’ll just be and do what I can do, which is be good to her everyday.  I’ll see her tonight–barring pure exhaustion adding miles to the hundreds that I’ll drive this afternoon.  I need to touch her though, because it always helps us both, I think.  It’s only been six-days, but we both are passionate and get a lot out of our physical intimacy.

I’ve dated for 4.5 years.  It will be five this fall.  I’ve been with five girls in a more serious ways, but I can’t even remember the number of dates that I’ve had.  I’ve weeded through tons of girls with whom I’m not the least compatible.  When you’re flexible, and  naturally adaptable, you have some odd dates.

I think that the worst one that I ever had was nearly four years ago.  One of my best friends and I were out dancing and we picked up two girls with the intention of taking them home, and then the girl who I had been making out with all night–even pushed her up against the cattle tank full of drinks–said, “If you think that I’m one of those girls you can just pick up, you picked the wrong one.”  I told her that I didn’t know what kind of girl she was.  We texted that day and she made a date for the end of the month.  We had good conversation, laughs, etc., and after we had sushi, we walked around the corner to a neighborhood bar that was cool and had a beer.  So, when she walked me back to my car, I figured, well, hello?  Then she pushed me away and said, “Not tonight.  We’ll have plenty of other chances,” and I told her, “It’s not like we haven’t made out before, what’s the problem?”  I was FURIOUS driving home.  Turns out that she still lived with her partner of six-years who had been in various rehab programs–I learned this a few weeks later.  They provided each other with all the emotional support that partners should.  I knew then that we’d never sleep together.  I’m a firm believer that if you date awhile, you need the test drive.  I’m not old fashioned.

I think that women do that more often than men and women.  I think that lesbian breakups are really vague and that the women who are “broken up” often keep up with the intimacy (meaning just the emotional) well after the relationship is over.  I don’t know why I don’t do that.  I don’t even talk at all to the last girl who I considered doing the serious venture with recently.  I don’t want to either.  I don’t know if I have it in me to redefine as friends.  I think that if I’d be forced to do that now if I were dumped that it would take me many years.  I don’t even know if I could have her as a close friend.  How does longing to touch someone go away?  See?  I really don’t know anything about keeping a relationship together.  They don’t scare me, but they sure don’t have any cookbook approaches that I can follow to make things work.  I just want to show up everyday, be loving and honest, and hope for the best.  I think that’s all that I can do.

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Waiting for something that is meant to last

Getting to know you, getting to know all about you, getting to like you, and getting to hope that you like me.  So, my second gf was a musical freak and I can still quote; although, she and I have not talked much with her in six-years.  I did talk to her night before last and it was very cool because she has known me forever and really liked hearing about my girl.  I don’t want to say “new girl,” because one, it is horrifying to think of the number of women who I have dated in the last five-years, and two, because she’s my one.

When I look into her eyes, I’m leveled.  It is a hard place to be when you just want to be loved and give some love back.  I know that she sees through me and is not a casual person, but working in tandem with that fact is that she is also cautious.  When your gf is cautious, that means that she is often listening for content in what you say in a different manner and making sure that you are saying what your actions have yielded.  That is a tall order.  I’m up for it though because I’m consistent, straightforward, open and honest.

My son is turning six.  We will be away from her all weekend.  I don’t think a single weekend has passed in what will be four months that we haven’t physically connected.  That aspect of our relationship really works, and although I haven’t disliked it with others, I have not had my passion met head-on like this ever.  That is also overwhelming.

Shockingly, I know exactly what I want too.  I am usually in indecision.  Yesterday, I read a letter that I had written to my ex.  I wrote it to her in late September of 2010.  Such a bizarre lovestory, that.  I was relieved she moved and then when we saw each other in June and again in August, I was so glad that she admitted that she loved me that I actually thought that I was in love with her for those three months.  I did used to love her, but I never knew one, what I wanted with her, and two, what I’d get.  She was unpredictable and as it turns out, a little scary.  My one is not.  Here is what I told a former gf a couple of days ago

“We could feel the connection, so we talked that Wednesday. That convo was an hour and 40-mins. We had a date two weeks out, but I was going kinda sick with anticipation.”

To which she replied, “This sounds awesome.”

I continued and I loved doing so, because then you can remember why and how you fell in love and not get bogged down in your head:

“She is. So we met THAT Sunday, instead, at a Wine Bistro while my folks watched my son.  Then we did have our date that following Friday. We basically just started dating exclusively right away.  Never had that thunderbolt thing. I’ve had that slow, organic development, but this felt meant to be.  Been just under 4-mos. Never been with an extrovert either. That is really cool.  She is funny, engaging, fun, athletic, a great dancer, and successful.”

Then she told me something that I love.  I love it because I know it’s true and because she knows me, gets me, and also knows what I want and where I am headed.  She said:

“Sounds really good–like something meant to last.”

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Staying connected

I’m no expert in keeping a relationship together or doing the conversion from dating to relationship. True, I have had three long-term relationships, but probably only my eleven-year counts.  Let’s face it, the last thing that I did which was for a good period of time was a hot fling that turned into a misaprehension (I believed that she only wanted me when we had a four-month hiatus when in fact she just missed the good sex.), and then she moved.  I was relieved when she moved, and have no clue why I tried long distance with a woman like her.  I can’t believe that I believed the bullshit that she fed me (like Sara Bareilles says) and consented to being exclusive with her for a year, but like my one, I’m not casual at all either.  I move through relationship with some curiosity always.

I want this to work.  It is that thunderbolt, beautiful “thing” that just works well.  Navigating stress will be important for both of us busy parents, but I want to have another child and know that she is going to be a good co-parent.  I think in some ways I haven’t changed.  I want a straightforward, honest, open relationship or I want to be single.  I understand how black and white that sounds, but for me, more than anything, it’s just simple.  Here is what I felt when I was back in the bizarre love triangle (not the New Order song) three springs ago:

“When I woke up from a two-hour nap, as I had spent Happy Hour with one of my friends who I’ve known 9-years, I was reminded of something that perhaps I read in a save your marriage text about 7-years-ago about this concept of the game of “He who cares the least.”  Apparently, in sick relationships the power differential is controlled, as is the other person, when someone wins this game.  When I thought about it, I realized that she probably thinks that is what I’m doing now, and is likely the way that she does things since the last relationship in which she really let her self go, which I think was 15-years ago, really screwed her up.  That is certainly what she does with this current girl and I.  “Don’t fall in love with me.”  I totally get that stupid shit now.

I could act passive-aggressive, “Don’t worry, baby, I haven’t.”  I honestly think that being in love with someone is building something with her.  Common goals and moving forward is being in love.  While I do love her, I can draw that distinction, but it is clear to me now that I’m doing “She who cares the least.”  What I’d prefer is to have no control, because I don’t want anything gamey.  I’m going to abdicate.  I’m done.” (me, 2010)

If this is your foundation, and honestly it was our second foundation, you were NEVER in love.  Our first was a fling wherein she knew absolutely nothing of me, and then our second was when she got back into the bed of the other girl–someone who she’d never be disconnected from no matter if she was sleeping with her or not.  My foundation with my current and one involves both of us choosing each other and moving forward.  Communication bumps?  Who doesn’t have them?  My thunderbolt is also fiery, so we will feel that fire in many directions when we are together, and it’s just learning the navigation and keeping the direction pointed forward.  Tonight or tomorrow, I want to see my voice in writing the first and second times that I simply saw her when I was unable to talk to her.  Yes, I have seen my girl twice before–stay tuned.

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I can’t handle you

I told her, “I can’t handle you.”  I have had a lot of physical intimacy; although by these days standards I have not had many partners, but I had never had sex like what it was like with her.  That is intimidating, but I’m fairly arrogant, so I decided after the third date with this particular addition of intimacy that I would let all my inhibitions and fears go, so I did.  It became what was novel for both of us and could be completely raw, but also could be tender.  All of it was completely passionate and evoked with Naomi Wolf writes about when she talks about convenience versus passion that her father a professor purports should be paramount in relationship.

Ours was and we could both feel it consuming us.  I guess that if I’m being honest, that I felt in the back of mind that it could be entropy.  I didn’t want that.  So, I tried to show up as loving as I could.  I didn’t want to leave everything to chance when I had the guts to admit that I had fallen in love during the freezing rain that morning after our long date and my caravanning back home with her.  I wanted to ensure that we had some foundation.  I realize how hard this process can be when you are already midway into a very hot love affair, but we had such a connection via cyberspace that I wanted that to continue.

I think that it is really that you are in the process of teaching each other what you want and how you communicate.  I also believe in listing mentally or in writing the list of pros and cons.  And when the pros go off the page completely, that is the relationship that you want and will hold onto even when you are having an impasse.  She and I need to develop an understanding and some ground rules even when we are busy regarding how to communicate and ask each other questions while fully listening and not filling in any blanks.  Progress is listening with an open heart.

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Fucking up

We of course continued our fervent e-mailing, which was now punctuated with calls and texts.  I will be the first to admit that it was obsessive and consuming.  I had not felt remotely like this in four-years, and the thing was that we had simply made out and not gotten physical.  She knows women for about 6-months before the deed.  I was working an angle for splitting the difference.  I was falling fast, and I have never done that.  I always let things grow organically and don’t force anything.  I wanted her and knew that she was one of a kind for real.  Never have been exposed to a woman like her, and don’t think that I ever will be.

Two of my friends were really concerned.  I had been a wreck of a person for nearly a year in 2008, and they were freaking out somewhat.  Here is what happened for me at that time:

“So, we texted a little bit that night, and I didn’t sleep at all.  Nary a wink for a night, which would be what the next four months would mostly be like for my sleep, which also meant that although I had already lost 19-pounds that fall that I would loose another 8 and you’d be able to count the ribs in my back.  I was only able to sleep in four hour stretches from that point forward until spring came” (me, 2010, written about 12/2007).

My friends didn’t want to see that girl again.  This woman who I had fallen in love with from afar and avoided like the plague for over 2-years consumed a fall and part of winter for me in terms of an affair.  The aftermath was worse than that song by Tricky.  Of course, our fling and what would become of my coming out affair was inevitable.  When she freaked, we had an odd month, and started the following New Year as distant as the sides of a canyon.  So, two of my friends were wigging somewhat because I was falling quickly.  This situation was so different though; although, I had a recent break-up.  That one was eight-months in the making though, and I was glad to be completely freed of her.

My new love had some entanglements too.  A recent partnership had broken up and not been physical at all for just two months, and she had a week-long fling with a woman who fell for her.  Learning about the latter freaked me out, and then those feelings combined with my friends’ concerns, resulted in my sending a casual, slow down e-mail.  It was a sucky thing to do when everything else had been so hot–the texts and e-mails.  It put the halt on “us” and really fucked things up.  It has veiled all as well.  You can’t take back what you write or say.  Accountability can bite when you fuck up.

It took us two days to get partially on track.  I say partially, because when you do that stop-start thing, you really can alter your course even with your one.  We decided to keep our original date, but there was some hesitation throughout the night.  Things got way better after we had a late dinner and went to a buddy’s restaurant for a glass of wine.  She let me hold her hand and had embraced me when she walked in with me.  We had a great talk in there and were much more loosened up overall.  When we went back out into the warm late fall night we held hands again and hers felt perfect in mine.  She opened my car door, and then she closed it.  We kissed and it got really hot.  The night almost ended and she took me back to my car in hers.  Then she looked at me and said, “Drive back with me?”  What a change of events and best end to my fuck up.

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You Get Me

Holy connections, Batman. She sent a very casual, albeit sweet email to me that afternoon. The BBQ was a Sunday and by the end of that Monday night, she and I had exchanged four e-mails and by the following night it had increased to 17 and in the last one that I sent late that night I told her that it was dangerous to talk so openly at night, which was barely related to the fact that she and I are both single parents who only get 4 – 8 nights off a month and each have to wake at five. It was simply that I knew that I wanted her. It was not a friendly overture. I also had fallen in love with her, which is bizarre because I have never fallen in love quickly. I have lusted from afar, and I have had a slow, organic unfolding, but I knew that she was what I would look for in another. A few days later I told her that I wanted to drink wine with her on my couch, because I couldn’t tell her that I had fallen. We had a phone date set for mid-week that got moved closer, and we wound up talking for over a hour and half, which surprised us both. Equally surprising was that neither of us could wait for our F2F date that was set for two weeks out, so…

I about threw up in my car. We met on a weekend that I had my son because we couldn’t wait two weeks for F2F time. My hands were shaking straightening my hair and continued to do so on the way to the bistro. I sat in the parking lot and thank God that my best friend talked to me on the phone. She was trying to make jokes about an “exit plan” if I needed it. I told her, “I won’t need an exit plan! She’s a wonderful woman!” Although she was just trying to make me laugh, nothing was helping my failing nerves. I’m a pretty nervous person anyway, and the stakes were so high with her, so I was just sick with anticipation. I texted her, “I’ve never had a date with a mother,” and she texted back, “Well, after today at the very least you can say that.” Then she texted, “Just go in and have a glass of wine.” I wanted to walk in with her. Feel our strides together, and also frankly needed her embrace to feel the chemistry that I was 95% positive was there after now 48-emails, 120 texts, and that wonderful phone conversation.

She drove up and parked a space away from me. She was super cute in real life. I got slowly out of my car and went over to the back end of mine. I went to hug her and she held me really tight. A great hug and she smelled fantastic. I could not believe how close our bodies were. I could feel our abdomens pressed against one another, which was pretty electric given a first hug. I was still pretty damn nervous. We walked in together and she said, “You’re not that tall.” I said, “I’m 5’6″.” I had not ever been with a woman under 5’7″ and she is so muscular and has such long thighs that in the pictures she had given me I assumed she was about 5′ 8″. When we spoke on the phone, apparently I expressed some surprise, which she construed as disappointment. Seriously, anyone with turquoise eyes can be any height. And her body is the best one I have ever seen. It’s unreal.

We talked about our likes and dislikes and with her friend the owner of the bistro. He actually owns part of a mediterranean island. We laughed easily, but I could not sustain eye contact because she was so beautiful and equally composed. She really has the soulful, deep looks too. I felt like I couldn’t hide a damn thing and was stripped of “game.” It was really daunting and I was blushing a lot too. It’s been over three months and she still makes me blush in public and sometimes in private too. She has a way of leveling you with her eyes and is quick-witted and funny. I really think she is the sexiest woman alive.

I had to extend my date. I called my parents who had my son and asked if I could stay another hour. They consented. I didn’t want to leave after that hour. I could have talked to her all day. It was the best first date ever. I had known that I was going to fall in love with her because of one e-mail that she had sent that talked about entertaining, cooking, and laughing in the kitchen. She could have been talking about one of the dinner bday parties that I throw myself. Tons in common, ease and attraction. In fact, at one point she asked, “Are you attracted to me?” I know that I blushed, and also said, “Yes! Of course.” But, we both had to go. This date solidified that in addition to feeling that she was love material, that she was also so hot and partner material. I wanted her then and there.

We walked out together and I embraced her again. There was no way that I wasn’t going to kiss her, so I did. Then we really started kissing. We pulled away and she told me that I could touch her more, which I did and then we were making out in a parking lot in a suburb. I could feel my whole body responding. We both had to go. A little while later she texted, “Tell me honestly, chemistry, scale 1 – 10.” I texted back “10,” and she quickly texted back, “Ditto.” I had confirmed that I was really falling in love and called two of my best friends while driving back to my parent’s house.

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Pretext: A Lovestory

I was out of a ridiculous two-year relationship, which had been non-exclusive and then long-distance.  Consenting to something of this nature had more to do with my still holding beliefs that someone who was into you, and didn’t want to lose you, would do anything for you.  It turned out that she was masterful at hiding truths about herself that I uncovered a year ago, so I just saw some plans out (those that had been paid for and set) and then broke up with her late summer.  Here is what I said to her when she moved 6-states away and then confused the hell out of me by calling with frequency:

“I told her that I wouldn’t be visiting her because I cannot do the triangle anymore.  She asked me what I was talking about.  If she does not want to have a relationship with the other woman, but yet spent several days and God knows nights with her prior to leaving, then I won’t be a “bookend” anymore.” (me, 2010)

So, I tried it for a year with the exclusive thing (Which I know that she only consented to, because she had to in order to keep seeing me.) and ultimately, she and I don’t have enough in common and have wildly different values.  I yielded a love of water from her and the importance of letting go of times when you are pissed to the degree that you can’t see straight.  She would tell me that I was the quintessential “leave the handle sticking out,” in terms of conflict.  Now, I know that if you can’t solve something in about 72-hours, you have to let that shit go.  Those are the only two things I learned, so I guess it was a lesson each year.  I love water, and need to let things go when they continue to trigger me, because others’ actions should not have that much power over me.  I know where I am, what I’ve learned and where I plan to go.

So, I felt really solid.  Happy and ready to move forward.  I knew completely that my partner would grow out of connections that my friends have made.  I just didn’t expect to meet her within a month.  That was like my psychologist has said, “And then God says, ‘Ha’.”  I went to church, talked with some people who wanted me to go to a picnic and then declined because I was getting DRAGGED to a BBQ with a old colleague of mine.  She is one of those women who always want to connect others, and I had not met any friends of interest through her, but I thought since I hadn’t seen in her in some time, I would just go.  This afternoon was no exception, and the woman who was hosting it always seems so fragmented, anxious, and uncomfortable.  No idea why she’d host a BBQ.  Very odd.   Equally bizarre was having nothing but a veggie tray and quinoa salad for an hour-and-a-half, so I asked her to please give me the raw burgers and chicken.  Then I grilled.  Lighter fluid was choking me and ubiquitous, so I literally cried through cooking wherein my colleague kept coming in and out of the sliding doors begging me to come in.

It went like this:

“Get in here!  This girl is awesome!”

“These people are STARVING, and I can’t.”

“She is family and the funnier than hell.”

“Good.  We’ll all talk after this meat and shit is done.”

Time would pass and she’d come back, literally engulfing the room where people sat in clouds of gray toxic smoke:

“Will you come in?  Maybe I can cook?”

“Will you become slightly patient?”

“I don’t know what her relationship status is, but she rocks.”

Lord.  Accepting “No” for an answer is a frequent lesson that is taught to primary grade school kids and apparently some 36-year-olds don’t get it.  So, I came inside the room.  She shouts, “Tell us your NM story.”  I said, “Oh, yes, indeed I shall paint myself in the most unfavorable light when I was closeted and in a horrible spot with you.  That is the best thing to relay to a group of TOTAL strangers.  Yes, I’ll do that.”  Raucous laughter broke out.  I need to share what NM means to me, so I’m going to add an aside here:

“Friday night…  What a different experience.  When we were just entering the enchanted circle, outside of Taos, I nearly hit a truckload of deer.  She asked me what they were, and I said something stupid like, “Maybe antelope?”  I think that those are in Wyoming, but the weird striped markings and very gnarled horns caused me to remark, “Them’s fandangled New Mexican deer!”  So glad not to actually hit any of them.  Dusk is weird anyway…  Kind of a creepy time in any setting, but we were getting tired and very anxious to meet our accommodations.

Not going to happen–as I’m sure that my former colleague remembers when we were in Chimayo five years ago and we nearly killed some pilgrims roadside while running out of gas and driving around lots of roads that dead-ended.  That’s Chimayo, I’m afraid, because after about 45-minutes, she and I still couldn’t find the microscopic sign for La Casa Escondida.  Why we stopped in the quintessential misnomer, “The Red Chile Tavern,” will forever be a mystery, but it did seem to be an uncommonly “open,” estbablishment.  (Reader please note that I only mean that it had patrons in it still and that I’m glad that at 10:30 something still was lighted.)  Perhaps the only establishment still having business outside of Espanola, which is pretty far away.

The proprietor said, “Well, hello there ladies,” which I followed up with quickly, “Listen, we are really lost and need some help.”  Whereupon a gentleman with fewer teeth–which is a difficult feat–said, “You’re lost? I live just down the street, is that where you’re going?”  She said, “No, thanks.”  Anyway, this other dude says, “Follow me.  I know where your B & B is.”  So, I did.  Up switchbacks and eating dust until he finally stopped and put on his hazards.  He hopped out quickly, and then her initial question was answered, he had brought his beer from the tavern.

He motioned down a bizzarre rocked road to our right and said, “Just go down this road and you’ll find the office. You may have to walk a while.”  As a former friend would say, a big “Oh, hell no,” resonated in my throat, but I was mainly wanting to get into our room, so I went down the little hill behind some pick-ups only to come upon the Texas Chainsaw Masacre shack!  Not wanting to wind up on a meathook or worse, I told her, don’t worry, I’ll run him over with my car, as I began backing up pretty fast.  He hopped away a bit and motioned for us to roll down our window.  Pulse in my ears and adrenaline rushing, I let it down a couple of inches and he says, “It’s down there.  Just get out of your car and knock.”  I’m like, “jumping over the pickups?  Yeah, right!”  So I say, “We’ll head up the hill.  I doubt that the office is there, so we’ll go up the road a bit to where those lights are on.”

We wound up scaring the shit, initially anyway, out of this older cooky lady, who kindly let us use her land or lan (not sure) to call La Casa Escondida.  While I was getting truly surreal directions: The telephone substation?  Not CR 101, but 100, which does not bare left, which is what the manager thought I had done whilst with my gentleman director led the way, our benefactor would alternately cackle and say stuff like, “Doesn’t this just beat all.”  Well, no shit.  We thanked the kind cookster, who followed us out admonishing us with pleasantries.  That is until she noticed where I had parked in my reeling adrenaline-filled state.  Oops!  She then said, “You’re on my septic tank, so get the hell off it!”

We somehow routed our way back down the hill–first try too–and at the bottom (believe it or not) the manager met us–hazards blasting and led us to our casita.  I don’t think that port with resident kitties ever was so good.  Honestly, these accommodations are incredible and we were very glad to be there unscathed.  If you ever go to Chimayo, remember that there are no street lights.” (me, 2008)

I stayed here with my best friend from work in 2008 and we had a great time.  My former colleague and I trekked around the area in 2004 and she wanted me to share an awkward moment with a room full of strangers, but I include this old entry here, because I want to underscore the importance of this area of the SW.  I love it.  Feel at home and have a mystical approach to being there and smelling the trees and seeing what unfolds.  It is my heart.  But, I was not going to share hotel room awkwardness with those who do not know me, so these paragraphs are what I’m willing to share.

I did go in and meet the woman.  She is totally not my type.  I have a specific type too.  She was funny though–in fact she is very funny–so I gave her a side hug while laughing.  She was obviously bothered by my effusive gesture, so being the in-your-face-type and very affectionate, I proceeded to be all over her all afternoon.  In fact, I was a big flirt when I found out that she was in a long-term partnership, and therefore,  she was harmless given that she was unavailable and not my type.  I can be a complete ass, and I don’t apologize for my nature.  Of course at the end of the afternoon, I went over to her, pretended to get ready to envelope her and then said, “It was very nice to meet you,” and extended my hand, which she gladly and probably gratefully took.  Ha.

Apparently, I made an impression on her in addition to being an ass.  She was calling her best friend incessantly the following day and also texting her.  Her best friend could not return her call and said she’d be lucky to be able to do it until after 5.  She then dialed her over and over wherein she finally did get ahold of her and said, “You better call me back, because I just met your life partner.”  More to come.

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Post Holiday Blues

I’m soooo tired.  Of course, my gf is a badass and I wanted to work out with her, so I did late morning, but I can feel lots of things hurting and am fatigued.  I also rode my bike to the Post Office, which was difficult given the snow that has not melted or is rather in a state of mixed slush and powder.  I get in this malaise-ridden state anyway when we part and don’t have concrete plans for several days.  I just miss her, but know that we need to ride this journey for a full turn of the calendar.  I don’t think that it should be sooner than that, because it does take a year to know someone completely; although, I do consent that new things come up given the tumultuous nature of life in general.  This quote is what I used to believe about love:

“How the hell would you know anything that you are doing with another person, except for having good sex or something, until tons of time passes?  You would not even be able to tell if you are compatible for a relationship!” (me, 2009).

I also believed some very odd things about relationships:

“A level of trust exists when I do sleep with someone.  I am detaching from intensity in emotion and recognizing when I am triggered by a girl’s actions or words.  I acknowledge it, don’t judge it, and then make space for it.  I’m not sure if long-term relationships work for me, or if it is in my path to have one.” (me, 2009).

You can know a lot about a person in addition to great sex immediately when you have a connection, but the thing is that level of connection IS intense.  There is not a way to detach from those types of emotions and you will be triggered.  I think that it is the whole thing with still letting time pass.  I’m afraid that is all that I have retained from my old ideas about love and relationship.

I can tell myself, too, some lessons that my four-years of dating has yielded.  They are 1) You can have a thunderbolt that is not lust, 2) you can find someone who wants the same things that you do, 3) you can feel some compatibility if you are open to watching and listening with your whole heart, and 4) you never do know your path, but saying that you are not cut out for a long-term relationship will limit your journey.

I actually just said that through my friends and new connections that my partner would grow.  Never expected to meet her the day after I went back to church, but I did.  I am cut out for a long-term relationship, but I have to do lots of work before I can show up as I am meant to and have a partner.  Right now, I just want to keep on keeping on with my girlfriend.

Again, I’m tired.  Bone tired.  I have the ability to work on neglected things in my house for 10-hours tomorrow.  So, I’m going to proofread, publish, finish this wonderful microbrew, and then start my work on “The Power of Two,” which in this case is not an Indigo Girls song, but is rather a book that I know will help me on my path.  I think tomorrow I will begin to tell my love story.

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My Return to the World of Blogging

I have had nothing to write about literally since May of 2010.  That’s bizarre.  That blog can probably be reworked somewhat, but I’d rather it be read and then used as my progress on this journey.  That’s because I hope that over the last four-years, I’ve learned much and become a better person on the whole.  That probably sounds slightly trite–especially given that it’s three-days before Christmas and that 2012 is rolling up quickly.  As an aside, I was actually in Chichen Itza last November wherein I learned the problematic issues with Mayan math based in our time line in addition to what they believe about endings, so don’t sweat it.  I heard it from a young Mayan Scholar.  We are cool to keep on truckin’.

Telling you that I’ve not felt or thought like I do now sounds disingenuous too, then?  But, It shouldn’t.  I’m forever changed, but do appreciate the lessons on my path to get to where “here” is.  I know that is where ever I’ve been and is always now, but I do think my experiences have shaped and helped me get to where I want to be.  I actually like being here.  I know that when I read my older stuff, I was not comfortable where I was.  I think that I do want to re-work some old entries, because I get the impression that when I re-read them now, I will be different and see it objectively and that my progress will encourage me on my new venture.  Meaning that coming through the mundane, the tumultuous, and the quandaries will have a different feel as I read it.  Not to say that it’s the whole hindsight being 20-20, but rather I have a new lens on my life. And I do.  Holy Hell, do I!