Staying connected

I’m no expert in keeping a relationship together or doing the conversion from dating to relationship. True, I have had three long-term relationships, but probably only my eleven-year counts.  Let’s face it, the last thing that I did which was for a good period of time was a hot fling that turned into a misaprehension (I believed that she only wanted me when we had a four-month hiatus when in fact she just missed the good sex.), and then she moved.  I was relieved when she moved, and have no clue why I tried long distance with a woman like her.  I can’t believe that I believed the bullshit that she fed me (like Sara Bareilles says) and consented to being exclusive with her for a year, but like my one, I’m not casual at all either.  I move through relationship with some curiosity always.

I want this to work.  It is that thunderbolt, beautiful “thing” that just works well.  Navigating stress will be important for both of us busy parents, but I want to have another child and know that she is going to be a good co-parent.  I think in some ways I haven’t changed.  I want a straightforward, honest, open relationship or I want to be single.  I understand how black and white that sounds, but for me, more than anything, it’s just simple.  Here is what I felt when I was back in the bizarre love triangle (not the New Order song) three springs ago:

“When I woke up from a two-hour nap, as I had spent Happy Hour with one of my friends who I’ve known 9-years, I was reminded of something that perhaps I read in a save your marriage text about 7-years-ago about this concept of the game of “He who cares the least.”  Apparently, in sick relationships the power differential is controlled, as is the other person, when someone wins this game.  When I thought about it, I realized that she probably thinks that is what I’m doing now, and is likely the way that she does things since the last relationship in which she really let her self go, which I think was 15-years ago, really screwed her up.  That is certainly what she does with this current girl and I.  “Don’t fall in love with me.”  I totally get that stupid shit now.

I could act passive-aggressive, “Don’t worry, baby, I haven’t.”  I honestly think that being in love with someone is building something with her.  Common goals and moving forward is being in love.  While I do love her, I can draw that distinction, but it is clear to me now that I’m doing “She who cares the least.”  What I’d prefer is to have no control, because I don’t want anything gamey.  I’m going to abdicate.  I’m done.” (me, 2010)

If this is your foundation, and honestly it was our second foundation, you were NEVER in love.  Our first was a fling wherein she knew absolutely nothing of me, and then our second was when she got back into the bed of the other girl–someone who she’d never be disconnected from no matter if she was sleeping with her or not.  My foundation with my current and one involves both of us choosing each other and moving forward.  Communication bumps?  Who doesn’t have them?  My thunderbolt is also fiery, so we will feel that fire in many directions when we are together, and it’s just learning the navigation and keeping the direction pointed forward.  Tonight or tomorrow, I want to see my voice in writing the first and second times that I simply saw her when I was unable to talk to her.  Yes, I have seen my girl twice before–stay tuned.

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