Thinking of what once was

Maybe it’s harder to put the nail in the coffin rather than have a woman tell you to fuck off.  I don’t know…  I can tell you that after her texting me over and over and starting it all at 7, and telling me that she would be relentless until I get it, put me in the most messed state that I have ever been in to date.  Makes my coming out affair, which also meant that I had to tell the world that I’m gay, and switching jobs, single parenting, and living alone except for my 21-month-old all within 4-months seem manageable.  I can’t stop crying and it’s totally fucked when what her texts and phone calls have yielded is that she still is in love with me and this will be the choice that I forever regret.

I have no idea.  I just can’t navigate the push-pull anymore.  I want someone into me and open with me when I trigger her.  I’ll be the first to admit that I’m abrasive and straightforward.  I need a girl who asks me questions or puts the halt on me right away.  I feel like she tends to just use things later anyway.  It’s like an attorney or detective who is looking for evidentiary support for why she wins.  I don’t want a competition.  I just want to work with a partner.  I sure as hell don’t want to feel like this much longer, but I won’t be taking her back.

Dating: My Retrospective

I had to throw out a whole pot of coffee this morning.  It was a great metaphor.  I used to be too weak.  I’d put up with shit for a long, long time in relationships that I just shouldn’t have.

I realized that I should send my five-year saga into the world today to stop giving it energy over me.  I think that it will help.  Prior to 2007, the only thing that had happened is that I had two covert gfs.  One in high school and one in college–both of whom I was “caught” with–then this buddy of mine fell in puppy (non-lasting) love with me and pursued me for quite some time, so the second time he asked me to marry him, I consented, told myself that five-and-a-half-years of my life was “experimentation” and then was married to a man for 9-years.  Then, as I had written in earlier entries, folks who had not seen me in awhile would say, “______, is married?!?  To a man?!?!?!?”

My coming out affair started when I touched her hand and thought, “Boy, do I have to avoid you!”  So, I did avoid her, but since I worked with her, I had “dealings” with her and I had to do things electronic or interoffice mail.  When I would have to greet her, I wouldn’t make eye contact, so I wouldn’t feel my pulse come out of my chest.  I didn’t have to work directly with her for two-and-a-half-years so it was ok.  She was at the office Christmas party about ten-months before I ever slept with her and she was in a black suit and was pretty thin, so I went up to her and said, “You look skinny and beautiful.”  And she said, “I love you,” which would become a joke later when we were together.

I booted my ex-husband nine-months after that party (We had been separated before we had our son three years earlier and he lived in another state for four-months.) and then she and I started a red hot affair three-weeks later.  She dumped me and tore out my heart, because it was a coming out affair and nothing like hs or college antics.  She was not a bi-curious straight girl who could feel my gayness, but she was a real lesbian, and then I knew right then, that I was too.  I think that after a divorce, you have a rebound.  Mine was a gay rebound, so I had to face who I really was, and then embrace it.

I did lots of shitty, sexless dating for a full year, because I struggled picking up the pieces of my heart.  She did cause heartbreak, because it was the first time, albeit silly love, that I really felt love.  She and I had a December full of push-pull and the last time we slept together was a few days before the New Year.  (I have a four stage entry that is really, really long about the whole journey.)  What really sticks with me were her green eyes as she left my bedroom after we had made love (for the last time) over and over, and she said, “I’m not convinced that this ever needs to happen again.”  She left.  The only thing that she would tell me is that she never wanted to be a mother, and that she was so far past being “anyone’s dirty little secret anymore.”  I didn’t even see her until the following weekend, and she only would talk to me on the phone about twice a week, instead of every single night as she had done for about 4-months.

Then it was over a year of dating all the Ms. Wrongs and Not-Even-Closes, and I was celibate.  I rarely smiled, got really skinny, and did other self-destruction.  My energy was saved for parenting my son and that was all that I did with passion.  Next, a year and a week later, entered my Cowgirl.  We had a “lesbian one night stand,” so it lasted two weekends.  Here is what I wrote about her when I realized that she and I couldn’t really date, because it was a mismatch:

“You get bent out of shape when I text you twice in the same day–weird.” “You have only had a ten-month relationship prior to now, and that was with a woman whose girlfriend was overseas at the time–weird.” “You don’t give me a single compliment.” There were also some other things that are superficial that would be even odder to mention, so I didn’t. I did tell her rather diplomatically that I was looking forward to seeing a woman last weekend admidst my final classes of one particular course that I’m finally done taking. However, she did not understand that when I said, “I want to be your friend,” that I really did mean just that.  Plus, we were just investigating in person chemistry and she wasn’t a gf.  I had been e-mailing one woman who I found intriguing, but she was bizarre.  Enter, the Gemini:

I wound up feeling really empty, so I e-mailed this other woman a rather ballsy thing that I wouldn’t do typically that I thought would shut down our communication… I said, “Do you want to grab coffee or a beer?” and she said, “Yes.” She showed up too. We dated for two-months and I did like her.  She was an outdoor person, a musician, and hot as shit.  Plus, she was into me.  But, she didn’t manage stress well, so she dumped me when we went on a hike.  Here it is:

I told her that a lot of her stress is coming from her work. She has a big deal in two weeks, which will involve her ex-girlfriend, her sister with whom she is extremely close, and is reminiscent of her deceased father. I also told her that it seemed like all of this between she and I was too soon, for a variety of reasons. I also told her that I had been nothing but respectful to her, and she acknowledged that it had been “all her,” in terms of making moves sexually. I’m not actually sure if she is able to be a consistent person even when she is not in the throes of this much stress. It has a flavor that leaves me full of caution.

I did, and I’m glad about this statement, tell her that I would not have been contacting her so frequently had she not held me under the stars three weeks ago and whispered that “Sunday was a long time away,” and she said, “I’m not saying that I’m right.” It wasn’t a competition, but two weeks before had confused me when she called me every night, and I said as much. I told her that I wanted to tell her something and that I didn’t want to sound patronizing. She said “Say it.” I told her that this whole interaction over the past three weeks had made me approach her with such hypervigilance that I was worried about saying it, but she told me that it was fine. I told her that I hoped that she could get healthy, because right now, she has too much going on.  I drove home and was angry, but I didn’t date her again; although, she wanted to.

Two months later, the drunk comes into my life.  We had a very fun summer fling in 2009, but it should have stopped there and would have had I not had one of the most stressful falls that I have ever had, but she contacted me on New Year’s Eve, and I had before called off a stupid friendship with her because she was not monogamous, which I could have cared less about because it was a summer fling and I really just wanted a steady stream of sex that summer, and we had no foundation for friendship.  No contact for three-months, and I was fine.  However, she broke up with this girl who pressured her to become exclusive only to three-months later text me.  I think that was because she had seen me two weeks earlier.  I had written this:

So I finally saw the woman who I slept with all summer an hour or so ago. It was odd, because I didn’t care at all. It was weird for a minute and then I settled into the bar and it didn’t matter at all. She could have been a girl who I merely met a couple of times, but it was even less warm, and I slept with her all summer and she disclosed lots of personal stuff to me. The oddest thing is that a bar owner who I know was at this cowboy bar and told my friend and I to come to her bar and we would not have to pay a cover, so we did after an hour or so, and then she was there as well–feeding the jukebox.

She was merely standing there, alone, feeding the jukebox; although there was a DJ, and she was also half-heartedly watching hockey while nearly everyone in the place was dancing. I know this is my stuff, and not her stuff, but it seriously made me wonder what she will be doing in 5-years? Sipping tequila, and getting loaded in her early 40s is a strong possibility. We didn’t talk at this location and had a stilted hug and odd interactions at the first bar.

Another interesting element is that I was just getting some bravado and telling my friend that I needed another f-buddy. I don’t need that! Absolute indifference to someone who I know way too much about and does not know shit about me… I really don’t want this level of indifference and do not desire to become apathetic. It is interesting to me, but very weird. I guess she didn’t get that job in the southeast as she is still here.

However, she did eventually get a different job, and we then did distance, which I stopped wanting to do after three-months, but we had invested money in hotels and plane trips, so I didn’t.  I didn’t want to move.  I love where I live, and then I realized that it was not that she hated it here and drank to cope, it was just that she really was an alcoholic.  She is loaded all of the time.  I’m not dating a drunk.

I met my first love right afterward.  My ex still has my heart and it is going to take some time.  What’s good is that sublimation can happen right now because I have a lot of work in my yard and doctorate, and my son is taking a theater camp, so he will have a school schedule, so I can also follow a schedule after dropping him off in a few weeks.  I’m going to chart out my whole summer and part-time work.  I’m excited and I know that it will be the best summer that I’ve ever had.  I will be free of her saying that I lack compassion, whereas, I think that I have been nothing but patient with her for five-months, and just can’t do that dance anymore.  I want to be single, or have someone who is completely into me and wants to rip my clothes off.  I will do either and this is the path that I’m currently on.  I did a lot of weird dating before I got here, and in my last relationship, I was completely in love, gave my whole heart, and I have NO regrets.

Through Memorial Day

I didn’t need the whole weekend, and I doubt that anyone is surprised.  I had my suspicions on Thursday when she made some omissions and didn’t know immediately that I would know that she changed the garage code and offered me her cheek instead of kissing and hugging me.  I wound driving home tonight because when she moved into her spare bedroom, and I told her and meant, “I’m not kicking anyone out of her own bed.”  That she left me countless HeyTells saying how “shocked” she was and how I withdrew too soon is just part of what is our never ending cycle.  I have a friend who describes this type of imbalance as beckoning a girl with your right index finger with your arm drawn close and bent at the elbow all the while pushing your left arm completely out with the palm up (Like the quintessential STOP).  It’s like, “Come here while I push you away.”

That we biked for nearly 30-miles today and then the “I’m too sick to have sex with you,” card was played left me hurt.  You can bike 26-miles, but can’t muster any energy at any point in the day to have sex?  No, you’re just not into me, and you rather like push pull because you are always in a state of grieving and stress.  However, sex will burn stress.  But, if you’re all mixed up in your emotions about someone you can use any excuse not to do it, you can still get a charge out of being wanted.

The day was nice.  We had lots of laughs, time outside, the good bike ride, she bought me dinner, but there wasn’t any passion for each other.  She always tells me that I’m a sex maniac, and I don’t know how that can be construed because I had not had any in a week and that was initiated by her when she was sick and then she proceeded to tell me tonight how terrible she felt all week having not slept when she left my house.  I do want to make love when I haven’t seen someone in a week, and have not really connected passionately in 18-days, and I know that there is a woman who would not find that a dysfunctional request.

She is perpetually triggered by the way I say things, what my life is going to entail for the next 15-months, and gets cold and withdrawn.  I can’t navigate it.  All of her messages say that I gave up too soon and that she is an amazing lover, but the latter eludes me.  I hadn’t seen that since December.  We had a good three-months and the first five of this year involve too much of seeing what I can tolerate only to have her communicate with me and get me back.  However, I won’t go back no matter what the apology.  Honestly, I will be floored if she didn’t contact me in the next several weeks.  I will not contact her, because she is not what I’m looking for and makes me feel bad.  Tonight, she made me feel like she didn’t find me attractive too.  I just can’t.

I don’t want a friendship with her…  Period.  She lives far away and does stuff to the Nth degree, so I would even see her at sporting events or the like, because we wouldn’t compete in the same division.  Although it was fun to ride with her, I don’t want to spend time with her on bikes because it is going to take a lot for me to completely fall out of love with her.  I’m not one for self-abuse.  She said that I’m not ok with off days, but really, since January, that has been mostly what we’ve had.  The on days were rare.  It is good that we reconnected and decided that we don’t work, but I’m really looking for a bit more sweetness and ease.


I have sooooo much stuff to do today.  Looking back, I should have left my son with his best friend and his mother (She has a daughter too.)  and gone into work on Monday.  Had I done so, I wouldn’t feel like a ball of stress.  Because I’m not working with clients really means that I am buried with plans, billing, reports, and end-of-the-season progress on goals paperwork.  Plus, I will only have one office next year, so I am moving and combining two.  I slept well–uninterrupted–but I did wake up at 4.  I’m well awake now too. I will get everything done, but then I have to race to get to her, which will not be restful.  Or is deciding what to do with my bike while I use my truck to move all of this shit after getting paperwork done.

Because she took my not doing treatment as being free and clear, she is not sympathetic at all about what Tuesday – Thursday entails.  It is a 40-hour work week.  I have think that I have been to lend an ear about things that she can talk about, but she is so jealous that I will only now be working part-time through the end of July, that she basically tells me to get over myself and that I’m going on a vacation.  She didn’t respond to the details that I left about steps that I have and nuts and bolts.  I’ll be stressed when I finally reach her, but I don’t want to appear that way.  So, I won’t.

I’m not a good “stuffer.”  I need to be me and say what is on my mind.  It helps to be validated and listened to as well.  I know that Friday will be really fun.  Getting to tonight is a stressful, busy, and an overwhelming venture.  I will give myself some deadlines this morning.  Whatever is not documented by 11:30 will have to be at least addressed, so I will stop computer work by 10:45.   Then I need to move things and drive them over to the new site.  I will just make it so I must leave at 4:30.  Deadlines are good for me.  I hope to laugh and be light, and kind this weekend.  Those will also be my requirements, and if I am being completely honest with myself, without those things I’m just not sure if I can continue this at all.

Daily Grind

One would think since I had yesterday off that today would have been less tiring, but it wasn’t.  I at least had two cups before I left which always makes the ride in less like I am in a drunken stupor.  It should be noted that I don’t drink every night.  I’m just that addicted to caffeine, and have not been drunk in the morning since 1997 when I was watching the brown and white tile spin in my Victorian Horror and Fantasy class. A good class, that.  I was talking with my work wife about “She” today, which was an odd book that we read in that summer course.  I told her that now I really understand, “She-who-must-be-obeyed.”  I tend to date her.  At least twice.

Anyway there was a scant amount of coffee left in the pot prior to my 6:30 am departure, and my regular thermos is obscene, so I couldn’t transfer it there.  I filled up my ceramic mug that I had today–one of my favorites, my Virgo mug, circa 1995–and then put the rest in my thermos from elementary school.  I have since lost the metal box, but love this thermos; although, it holds little coffee, but made me happy.

I just wish that I hadn’t gotten my “Masters of the Universe” one stolen. That one was awesome–I miss Skeletor, with the exception of his awful voice.

I always drink coffee out of ceramic mugs.  I am at best, persnickety, and at worse, uptight in bizarre ways.  Thing is that I don’t really give a shit.  My gf calls me neurotic and I don’t care about that either.  Currently, I’m drinking one of the best seasonals that one of my favorite microbreweries makes right now, but the whole previous theme of disgust brings me to their main spring seasonal, which leaves a film on the roof on one’s mouth that is like drinking coffee out of styrofoam.  I loathe it.

I did like my coffee today.  I did not like my 10.5 hour work day.  I will not like my 8.5 one tomorrow either, but the good thing is that my son’s Godfather is going to teach me gear 101 tomorrow after work (Which brings me back to this microbrew that is BOMB).  That way, I won’t be humiliated on the bike on Thursday and Friday with my gf.  Why I am with a triathlete again?  Oh, wait, that’s right.


I was thinking about Pat Benatar (Thus my subject line in this post, which evokes her box set.) earlier in the day because I’m going to sing on Friday night.  I am going to do that too, and am committing it to the Internet now so that I have accountability.  What could happen is just tons of sex and never leaving the house, but I want to go out, and think that if we can really make a fresh start, we should date.  Like really date.  We don’t do that.  With the infrequency that we can see each other we mainly wind up having sex for hours and hours and then not sleeping much, which kills her because she only gets two nights off and her son is MUCH younger than mine and has crummy sleep patterns.  My boy is at an easy and fun age.  I can sleep when I’m not nursing microbrews and staying up waaaay too late.  People who tell you that 0 – 3 is great should be at least maimed.  They are probably telling you that because they want to delude themselves into thinking that raising children is fulfilling 24-7.  Newsflash…  It is ANOTHER ft job.  That’s the plan for Friday (karaoke), but clearly the universe is putting ex’s and suitors into the lives of those who I know (and me) as of late, so I’m brought to my next topic, which in a slightly buzzed state shall be more stream of consciousness that my usual voice (fair warning).

So, one of my friends from MS who knows my real ex (not to be construed with the woman who I thought was my ex who I’d give anything to make love to tonight, but have to wait 2-more days to have) had this guy drop off the face of the earth for weeks and he just reconnected with her.  I don’t trust that he will stick though, because he presents like a flake per her descriptors.  My BFF who lives in the same state as my buddy from MS is falling in love with this guy (Sorry, many of my friends are str8.) who is being super casual with her right now and is at a breaking point with him–which was like my holding pattern in early 2010–with my real ex–and she is messed about him, but her ex in addition to several other “dark horses” not-so-much in the running, are suddenly and concurrently texting her.  And  while we were talking about that via phone last night, my REAL ex e-mailed me.  She e-mailed me because my BFF took my I-thought-you-were-an-ex off her Friends List and my real ex is kinda stalker-ish and scary.  No contact since Christmas Eve.  And then her e-mail comes through right when I’m talking to my BFF who is falling in love and doesn’t want to (with Mr. Casual).  Lovely.  I have never mentioned that my real ex is now armed, have I?  Even better!

So, I needed my girlfriend.  Not my ex.  She is my girlfriend, even if she is so scared of me and taking a chance.  She called me and we talked it through.  She thinks that I need to sleep on the unsettling, and not-so-out of the blue e-mail and then approach her with compassion.  As it is me, I don’t think I’ll engage, but I will know tomorrow.  I know in my heart that because my BFF took my current girlfriend off of her social networking friends list last week that my ex now thinks she can get back into dating me.  That is crazy.  1) She is a drunk.  2) She is pretty scary and I’m glad that she lives 6-states away from my son and I.  3) She thinks I am single and is contacting me now, and 4) She is armed.

No full moon, but ex’s coming out of the woodwork and suitors wanting to all get their game on with the women who I know.  My girlfriend’s ex-partner “dropped in” on her last Tuesday (We had reconnected intimately that Monday) and tried to talk to her about her failing marriage.  My girlfriend approaches her with compassion, but it is weird that she dropped in the day after we decided that calling it quits was not an option.  Furthermore, all of this relationship dissension is bizarre.  I’ll look at the patterns tomorrow after I sleep.  This week is weird, weird, weird.


I think that this time around in addition to being more free and easy, we need to maximize seconds that we have with each other and really appreciate the gift that it is to be in each other’s company.  I don’t think that she knows me that well, which is funny, because when we leave for our little break, we will have been together for 8-months less our two week (and some change) hiatus.  She thinks that I distract myself with girls when I have had a breakup and has no clue how funny I am.  At this point, showing each other a good and fun side of each other is critical, I think.

I hope that we go out…  I think it will be good for her to see me interacting with other people, and if I run into girls who I know, I am witty and people tend to keep me talking.  I know that she hasn’t been exposed to a girl like me and her two partners needed her.  I want her and sometimes really need her arms around me, but I’m independent and really fine on my own less the libido issues that I have.  Is this approach and manner that I operate confusing?  I’m sure it is odd.

Spending time down here is a good thing too.  I’m glad that we will be in the city and can crash at my house.  I don’t love driving long distances or being in my car.  Not my thing.  My things are:

1. Laughing

2. Playing outside

3. Keeping things neat

4. Talking to my friends

5. Having some alone time for contemplation each day

Above all though, I want a woman to want me above all and have complete passion for me.  I would not say that the barrage of complaints have already begun, and thank God, because it’s been one week, but she was short yesterday and still jumps to conclusions about me.  I’ll just see.  I want this date–and I’m grateful that it is a real date that won’t be cancelled–and then when we go away, I want to see what comes about.  However, if I feel even a slight push-pull or that I am a partial punching bag, I’m going to bounce and be firm about space.  I like falling in love.  I want to stay there.

Looking for difference

So, she had texted and HeyTell’ed in the morning, and while I responded she figured that since I was unable to sleep after we talked for two-hours the night before, that I would want nothing to do with her.  I think that a major difference between she and I is that she goes with a particular and makes all kinds of assessments based on it and then quickly derives a decision.  I might do that with shoes, a dress, or even my bike, but I don’t do that in any other area of my life.  I knew when I woke up that I was still in love with her.

So, I called her and we talked all the way into my work and then I sat in my parking lot for another 45-minutes.  I won’t lie and say that the convo was without tension.  She really came unhinged when I told her that I talked to a girl and got her number.  (Later she did realize that reaction was strange as we were completely broken up, and she apologized.)  Again, because I’m writing I must be honest.  I liked that she was still so very much in love with me, and that she missed me so desperately.  Later she admitted this in  a raw and naked e-mail.

I went back to saying that we could not share space because it would be sexual.  She e-mailed that maybe there wasn’t anything wrong with that, but that we had to consider things.  I had completely accepted her apology and continued to think about what had happened to three sisters who I know when they lost their mother.  It is just not normal to loose your mother or father until you are in your 40s or 50s and if it happens when you are young, you do some things that are uncharacteristic afterward and most especially within those first few weeks of shock.  Could it be that she was right when she had told me Sunday night that she really is that person who I fell in love with last fall?  Could the first few months of this year be truly colored by grief and then our mutually-fed fervor of future?  The latter should just organically work out after a year or so, right?

God, I did want her.  There is an intimacy that we share that borders on something that is pure and is otherworldly.  I had e-mailed her yesterday about our lovemaking–I will point out was after Monday–which borders on transcendence.  And it does.  She is on business this week, but didn’t fly out until yesterday morning, so she said that she could meet me at my house Monday afternoon.  I took two hours of sick leave and held her for a long, long time in my livingroom.  I could feel her muscles under her thin and soft leather jacket and after a long period, I kissed her neck and found her mouth.  That level of passion is like nothing.  I used to think that things like that were bullshit made up for media (movies, songs, etc.), but with her it is a derivative of our connection.  We had about an hour and used it well.

Now, she is not here, but we have gone back to contact.  But, she’s different.  There is no jealousy and resentment.  I think that we can get something new that is not spurned on by what we’d like five-years from now.  Immediacy is the only area in which we can operate.  I will certainly honor that and do believe that with distance it is hard not to hurt, but the trade-off is passionate love.  Who can really say that they have that?


I hadn’t seen my ex in 16-days, and I hadn’t had a single interaction with her in 12-days.  She kept up the contact, and I knew that she was being driven slightly crazy because I would not respond to anything that she texted, e-mailed, or HeyTell’ed.  Then I had something very odd happen to me, which occurred in church.

Having woken up on Sunday morning, and realizing that despite my “single” status, I was not going to be able to date anytime soon, I decided that the girl who I met was a mere distraction and someone who I could tell my friends that I could date if I wanted to, but wasn’t ready to do the leg work.  In truth, although she texted me later that morning, I don’t have it in me to pursue and do all the “getting to know you” stuff at this juncture.  So for that Sunday, I was going to work in my yard, and then spend sooooo much time in church.  I texted the girl who I had met that right away too.  So, it was then the day of church.  I had mine–I read stuff for the service there–a class at my church, and then was attending a night service in a dear friend’s church.

My friend goes to what is a traditional and progressive church in an fairly upper-class neighborhood.  I did like how easy it was for me to fall back on what had been familiar to me in terms of my original faith, but I found it academic and political in terms of how “queer” focused it’s parishioner-base clearly was.  I had a good time though, and the minister is beautiful and charismatic.  I was clearly “the single girl” there with my friend and her husband, and women were looking at me.  I suppose that always feels good.

During the service, I prayed for my ex and her son.  I knew that I had forgiven her of her treatment of me.  I wanted her and her son to be happy and healthy.  I got done with my participation and time there and I got in my car, because my own son would be home soon, I had to rush out and could not stay for the community dinner that they were hosting.  I will do that sometime.  I was angry, because she had called me.  I assumed that she had left a VM too, but that turned out to be a wrong number.  (How does one leave a message for someone who identifies herself in the greeting?)  When I got home, my landline was flashing an indicator and I knew that it was from her.  She had left me an apology and another plea for friendship.  Her admission that she had been “awful” was what made me realize that my having broken up with her and not talked to her at all again was the right thing for us.  She needed to be free of me and our contact to reflect.  I HeyTell’ed her thank you for the apology and that I wanted us to really extend some space and time.

Then, I went outside and weeded.  Having gotten back into my yard and planting, seems to help my mental state.  I create and have a beginning, middle, and end that I can see.  Relationships are not like that.  While reflecting, I realized that there were two people in our relationship and that my definition of space until fall was merely a limit that I had set, and that she had not say in it.  I decided to send her a text to invite to talk on the telephone based on her schedule.  About half-an-hour later she texted back another apology that she was not by her phone, and that she was not trying to manipulate me into talking based on my need for space, but she knew that she had been critical and was apologizing for her part in our end.  Again, she explained that she was just genuinely sorry, and figured that I would never choose to speak to her again.  So, after I got my son down, I called her.

It was nice to tell her things that have gone on for me.  I received an award at work, and there were some funny things that had happened over the course of the past two-weeks as well, which I relayed to her.  After some time she told me that our talk was not going how she had imagined it.  I asked what she wanted?  I said that we could reconnect in the fall.  She told me that she was going to come and sit on my porch and hope to get a piece of quiche.  I told her that I would leave my son and hop the fence and with my old bike and get out of Dodge.  We laughed a little.

She kept trying to pin me down on when we could see each other, and I told her that we would have to come up with a compromise, because fall was obviously not working for her, and now would not work for me.  Then she started getting flirtatious, but I didn’t bite.  She told me that she couldn’t lie and was still in love with me, but was confused and didn’t know what she wanted, and that she didn’t understand why I didn’t miss her.  I told her that all I really missed was our fall.  It is probably not surprising that after we hung up after two-hours that I didn’t sleep a wink.

Ride and the Drawing Board

So, she is either as the 80s film protagonist says, “monumentally busy,” or she is not going to contact me.  That’s cool.  It was really fun to flirt and honestly felt like a coup to get her number, so I have no regrets regarding leaving her a message.  I’m back in dating land, and with five-years of experience I know to expect unpredictability.  What I want to avoid is an FB.  Those get complicated, and I’m afraid don’t seem to work with girls.  They tend to get feelings for you.  I was shocked when my last FB moved 6-states away and then told me that she had fallen in love with me.  That yielded commuting for over a year for both of us.  What starts as sex probably always has that superficial flavor, and is not what I’m looking for.  I’m looking for a partner, and will even delay sex this time, and I haven’t done that ever.  I’m going to mix it up.

I biked 24-miles yesterday on my new bike.  It was beautiful, but difficult.  I don’t get the shifting too well.  I didn’t get too many pictures because my riding companion, who I have known for over 23-years, had to take her kids somewhere at 10, but I did snap a couple on the water.  One I put on my social networking page, and one I’ll add here because I want my blog to have a positive and life-oriented approach.

From the Reservoir

I’m assuming that I will need some lessons and probably should take it back to the bike shop this week, because it needs some adjustments.  The seat is at a bad angle in general, and made me sore, and when he showed me the shifting, he was spinning the wheel, which is hard to coordinate when you are still very tripped out on the very light frame.  I’m going to see a buddy of mine today or this week and get some specs, I will take it to the shop after a couple more rides, and I’m going to order a manual from the company.

Riding a bike is really a good analogy for finding a girlfriend.  You don’t really forget how to do it, but you need to see what she responds to, what she prefers and do shifting correctly.  Every path requires different handling by you or you can throw off the course.  Some girls (not to be confused with the album by the Stones) don’t really know how they want you to approach them and don’t help you navigate the curves on the path.  Other girls are just easygoing and approachable, and you may try but it’s not the time to take the trip or do they desire to take one with you.  You have to just keep getting on it and riding it out.  I can do that.

I met a girl

OK, she kinda looks like my ex of two-years, but there is no way with what she does for a living and the way that she presents that she is a heavy drinker.  I have absolutely nothing to loose, so I am calling her later today.  And, if we meet, I will not have sex with her for a month.  That would be brand new for me, and it sure as hell is time to mix it up.  She is smart, successful, hot and funny.  Now time to get out on my road bike.

Embrace healing

I have had two very low days.  I have been very sick again too, which is getting very old and work has been a complete hell for two days.  I can blame just the latter on the full moon.  I’m thinking that at this stage, I will start to feel some pain, and I think that I am.  Part of me gets like Missy Higgins lyrics at times as well. “I’m a little tired of feeling like the bad fruit nobody buys.”  I know that I will be fine on my own and without a partner, but it does get old.  Very old.  Having not tired of single parenting to the degree that I would be with someone who says awful things to me and thinks of me in disrespectful terms, I won’t respond to her or do I want her back per se, but I do feel a bit hollow.

I think that it is honestly time for me to embrace this part of my journey anyway.  I should reflect on everything that I learned from this seven-month relationship.  In fact, I think that before I go to bed, I’ll read one actual handwritten journal entry that I completed and then I will reflect on what I learned and how I have evolved.  I know what I’m looking for and most of it still entails compromise.

Unsettling to me is that both of these last two women (3-years of my life) have been control freaks.  I don’t want that aspect, but rather want to be with a woman who talks through things with me.  I think that I backslid with my last one, actually.  The drunk did want to do what was right for all parties, but she couldn’t.  My last ex thought that she had all the answers.  I’m fine with learning and discovering.  I think now it’s time for me to learn and discover what I have gathered from my last relationship so I can heal.

I’ll bet you miss me

So, I’m selfish and negative and can’t be light, but who won’t stop communicating with me?  I wanted to punch her in the face tonight for e-mailing.  The worse thing is that now I owe a good friend a microbrew tour.  I thought that she’d respect it, but I was wrong.  She doesn’t know my schedule anymore or she doesn’t realize that she had a Monday, but she only managed 5-days.  Better get used to it, _____, because I will send you a birthday card.  That’s it.

I think that probably this action can be construed as competition, but it is more that I don’t want to give mixed messages.  Completely cooling our contact until the end of summer will mean that for me, and I’m hoping to be rid of the toxicity by then so I can move forward completely.

I actually–shameful–missed the drunk on Sunday and a little today, but I realized that it was not, in fact, her who I missed, but it was rather that I missed how seamlessly we got along when she wasn’t craving or just over the line with one too many swallows.  Except for days at a time, which would turn to my talking to a stone or getting lashed out at, my most recent ex and I did not have times like this consistently.  In fact, those times sustained eventually stopped after the New Year.  It was waiting for the guillotine.

I’m looking for consistent.  I’m looking for balance.  I will not do anything that throws me off center or involves toxicity.  I’m done with this chapter and incredulous that she and I will ever be anything but two people who were once deeply and madly in love, but could not make a relationship work.  And I really don’t need anymore friends.