I didn’t need the whole weekend, and I doubt that anyone is surprised.  I had my suspicions on Thursday when she made some omissions and didn’t know immediately that I would know that she changed the garage code and offered me her cheek instead of kissing and hugging me.  I wound driving home tonight because when she moved into her spare bedroom, and I told her and meant, “I’m not kicking anyone out of her own bed.”  That she left me countless HeyTells saying how “shocked” she was and how I withdrew too soon is just part of what is our never ending cycle.  I have a friend who describes this type of imbalance as beckoning a girl with your right index finger with your arm drawn close and bent at the elbow all the while pushing your left arm completely out with the palm up (Like the quintessential STOP).  It’s like, “Come here while I push you away.”

That we biked for nearly 30-miles today and then the “I’m too sick to have sex with you,” card was played left me hurt.  You can bike 26-miles, but can’t muster any energy at any point in the day to have sex?  No, you’re just not into me, and you rather like push pull because you are always in a state of grieving and stress.  However, sex will burn stress.  But, if you’re all mixed up in your emotions about someone you can use any excuse not to do it, you can still get a charge out of being wanted.

The day was nice.  We had lots of laughs, time outside, the good bike ride, she bought me dinner, but there wasn’t any passion for each other.  She always tells me that I’m a sex maniac, and I don’t know how that can be construed because I had not had any in a week and that was initiated by her when she was sick and then she proceeded to tell me tonight how terrible she felt all week having not slept when she left my house.  I do want to make love when I haven’t seen someone in a week, and have not really connected passionately in 18-days, and I know that there is a woman who would not find that a dysfunctional request.

She is perpetually triggered by the way I say things, what my life is going to entail for the next 15-months, and gets cold and withdrawn.  I can’t navigate it.  All of her messages say that I gave up too soon and that she is an amazing lover, but the latter eludes me.  I hadn’t seen that since December.  We had a good three-months and the first five of this year involve too much of seeing what I can tolerate only to have her communicate with me and get me back.  However, I won’t go back no matter what the apology.  Honestly, I will be floored if she didn’t contact me in the next several weeks.  I will not contact her, because she is not what I’m looking for and makes me feel bad.  Tonight, she made me feel like she didn’t find me attractive too.  I just can’t.

I don’t want a friendship with her…  Period.  She lives far away and does stuff to the Nth degree, so I would even see her at sporting events or the like, because we wouldn’t compete in the same division.  Although it was fun to ride with her, I don’t want to spend time with her on bikes because it is going to take a lot for me to completely fall out of love with her.  I’m not one for self-abuse.  She said that I’m not ok with off days, but really, since January, that has been mostly what we’ve had.  The on days were rare.  It is good that we reconnected and decided that we don’t work, but I’m really looking for a bit more sweetness and ease.