On my way

She goes in for the complicated surgical procedure today.  I know that she will be fine and I have e-mailed her as much many times.  She does the whole, “love ya,” thing if she chooses to respond back.  I cannot type, “I love you.”  I haven’t typed it in a long time.  Granted I did tell her that I loved her when we last had sex, but when we connect, I feel like that.  Her inhibitions are only ever truly down when she is sexually intimate.  Otherwise she is full of walls like “love ya.”  She is not even like any of my friends.  Friday was weird and she was patronizing, so when she presents like that, it’s really easy for me to have no loving feelings toward her.  I don’t think that I am in love with her anymore.  I honestly think that shifted for me when she told me to go to my psychologist when I wanted to vent about work when we were still dating.  That’s just being awful.

I do hope that she gets well.  I don’t miss her.  I will quickly drop off food after I meet with my psychologist on Thursday.  Ha ha.  Really, I am doing some work around possible issues that could get in the way of sustaining love when I feel pushed away.  I’m not saying that she doesn’t really try to push me away, because she does.  She has that classic attachment flavor.  I’m not looking for that.  I am however looking for a woman who knows that I am honest, trusting, and nurturing and is ready to explore with me.  I have another year that I can commit to getting to know a girl.  However, I still don’t think that I have met this girl yet.  When I meet her, I would like to have some resolution around feelings of rejection that are triggered sometimes for me.

It’s my last trip way up there!  Yay.  I have Thanksgiving plans with my cousin and our kids, so I won’t need to even ask if she is going to her party.  I just know that I’m not.  I am excited that she is starting to date after she recovers.  I don’t want to hear details, but I think that she will learn a lot and I know that she will miss me.  She has never dated, so she has no clue what a catch I am.  I don’t think that I will be around either when she figures it all out.  I’m looking for my musical, hiker, poet who likes beer 😉

Been on the run

I have been within the walls of insanity for three-years, which is at least partially why I have attracted dynamic, but unstable, in my last two love relationships.  I quit a job so I wouldn’t get fired by a psychopathic boss who fires about 60% of her staff every two-years, started a new job and very different position, was in another grad program to maintain employment while my doctoral requirements changed and I had to continue the program while being concurrently enrolled in the former.  Oh, and I’m a single parent, and I have aging parents and have had to take my Dad in for two different procedures during one school year.  I’ve yielded so many lessons, but mostly I know that I want to be treated consistently well, and to work on conflict healthily.  I don’t want rancor.

I stepped out of this one forever a little over a month ago, and I am glad that I finally fell completely in love and gave my whole heart to a woman.  I loved being vulnerable.  I loved looking into her eyes and telling her that I love her.  That made me realize the possible.  Having raised another woman’s two kids when she was a young adult, she also taught me to use time wisely for family connection.  I pre-cook now, and we walk our dog at night nearly every night so we can talk about the day.  I also keep my body in tip top shape.  Those are pretty powerful lessons and I am grateful to her for those.

With my ex of two years, I learned that you should be treated well all the time and be held first thing in the morning and before you go to sleep no matter what the day yielded.  I also learned more about water and I will always love it as a result of being with her.  I loved too her love of my son, which was much greater than her love of me.  I just don’t think that love would have been enough for her to ever stop drinking.

I journaled (in pen) about a poet, hiker, and a beer drinker.  I guess I would trade all the dynamic qualities in the world for stable and easy.  I have a crush on my son’s guitar teacher.  I just like her way.  I’m not into str8 girls like my last two ex’es though, so it is an innocent crush.  I’m just looking for mellow, but caring and open.  I don’t want some girl who hides herself or is scared of emotion.  My lil’ FB that I had this summer is so scared of vulnerability that she only tells lovers what she tells everyone.  I think that is what many of us are like until we become adults and realized that we are worthy of deep love.  I know that I am.


I woke up differently today.  Additionally, I finally got some good, high quality sleep.  I haven’t been missing her since she cancelled on me in September and then called me names when it hurt my feelings.  I have been thinking a lot about my last three years of being in relationship too, and I can honestly say, it doesn’t matter that she won’t go to couple’s counseling with me.

Why did I put up with it for so long?  I’d never let a friend tell me the things that she had about me, and because I can only contrast it with the drunk, and she only had a couple of similar complaints about me and that was that sometimes I say things more than once and that I draw parallels from stories told to me from my own life.  She never called me selfish, or negative, and definitely not creepy and although my son can be challenging, she certainly never told me that he needed to be evaluated or perhaps have meds!  I don’t want the drunk back…  But, she was with me for a lot longer period in total, and I think that she knew me better.

So, what I can change about me is I can listen fully and pause.  If I really feel that something is important, I can state it and ask what do you think about that?  If my next girlfriend likes to tell long-winded stories about people who I don’t know, I can say, “I don’t have much to add, because I don’t know these people.”

However, I think those are pretty simple things to change.  My ex wanted me to feel like I had problems or I was somehow responsible for her unloading on me.  I’m just not.  If someone gets all over your case and you feel badly about it, it’s just an abusive cycle and bad relationship.  The best thing in the world that I have done the last two times that I saw her was to just leave when she gets angry.  I don’t have to engage in that kind of interaction and I sure as hell don’t have to take it from someone ever.  The dog is barking and keeping you awake?  Well, I’m going to head home and make sure that my presence is not affecting your sleep.  Your long story within an only 50-minute time period (That I have heard three times before) about people who I don’t know is “Not about me?”   Well, getting away from you when you are judgmental or combative is.

Good luck with your surgery.  Have a restful recovery.  Look within yourself for understanding and then strength.  I’m simply dropping off some food and won’t drive to you again.  Best wishes on your journey.

Not the weird one

I know what I want, and I won’t settle for anything but that quintessential thunderbolt when I see this mystery girl.  That’s it.  Not about to chase anyone or am I begging for what I want to happen with my ex.

We had a glass of wine last night and I drove probably 40-miles round trip for 50-minutes.  I’m glad that next Thursday will be my last trip for some time.  However, if she would ask me for help, which she won’t, I would comply.  I think that she feels guilty that I’m dropping off food and synching her iPod, but that is the right thing to do and that is me.  I want her surgery to go well and for her to recover quickly.  I know that she will.  I then think that sometime in December, she will start dating.  That will be a very good experience for her too.

She was not a corpse.  She was open and fairly warm, but exhausted.  Her stress that she pretends is not there has caught up with her.  It will be a wonderful thing for her to not be able to move and be forced to just think and be.  I’m glad that she will have this time and believe that it will be helpful too.  I wasn’t remotely attracted to her though, but rather just felt compassion for what she is dealing with currently.  That approach made being across from the table from her quite comfortable for me too.

I had a situation visa vi my son blow up this week.  I had to put the “smack down” without him in attendance with his father.  My ex asked me last night about my parenting woes and I told her that I don’t want to talk about it.  She called me a compartmentalizer.  I don’t think that she gets that I’m just not willing to hear her judgmental bullshit given that we are not dating.  That in addition to her belief that I’m selfish, negative, and creepy will prevent me from ever being her friend.  However, I’m very glad that we can be amiable and share space if we have to, because I don’t want to live into this song:


EVERYONE gets these lyrics!  I like this video that is a queer take on the gr8 Gotye song.


I wonder who she is…  I’m sure that I haven’t met her as of yet, but I’m sure that I will know it when I see her.  See for me only the commitment piece is the slow part, but I just know when I know that I want to have some dates with a girl.  I can see a girl across a room, I can touch her hand, or in the case of my most recent ex, I can exchange e-mails and just know that we were connected.  I told one of my best friends last night that is what I’m looking for and that I don’t want something that I have to work at initially or chase.  I want that boom.

I would like to meet a girl who is flexible too.  I know that some of the bumps that I had experienced in the last two relationships were because both of these girls had to drive the bus to the exclusion of anything that I wanted.  For example, we have to live in FL, and bar hop–I don’t even drink much.  And I won’t leave my house.  How do you know all these things?  Why can’t you make decisions together?  That’s what is more normal at this age.

I want that attraction and then maintenance of wonderful conversation based on chemistry.  I want good kissing and a girl who touches my body because she is completely attracted to me.  I’d like a fairly mellow and open girl who loves to be outside in anyway that she can who doesn’t give me shit for not skiing or boarding, and is willing to share snowshoeing or hiking with me or let me do it and then reconnecting with me for dinner while we cook, sip wine, and laugh.  I’m sure that everyone is looking for a girl like this, so there must be a few out there for me to meet come spring.

Now, it’s time to write.  It’s time to clean.  It’s time to see other clients and complete hours for school.  It’s time to reign in my son and ensure that he is mostly sweet.  For now, I’ll grab another cup of coffee and get in the shower though!


So, we did finally catch up and the conversation was just fine.  It wasn’t free and easy like it was prior to our cold F2Fs this summer, but it was just fine.  It must, actually, have been better for her because then she propositioned me for sex three-and-a-half hours later.  If I feel healthy tonight I’ll go fulfill that because it’s been a month.  Yesterday I was excited for it in a lustful way, but today my cold doesn’t feel that great and because I won’t date her or even contact her–I will however respond–I would probably hook up with her monthly or a little less.  I know that I’m still in love with her, but given how she jumps my shit all the time, I’d never want anything serious with her unless we went to counseling.  She needs to get her act together with respect to conflicts with others, and that is independent of me because I told her that I didn’t want to date anymore after she marked me down and slowly cancelled plans like a blue light special.

I started feeling like it was really her who is selfish earlier last month when I tried to connect with her about feeling stressed about work and she told me to go to my psychologist.  I didn’t say, “Screw you,” but I did realize that she is not the best supporter.  She does like giving financial advice, but I think that’s distasteful, so I told her that must cease.  So, we shall see what transpires tonight.  I could go either way on sleeping at her house tonight.  I’m not antsy for it this morning like I was last night.  I do love our sex life.  I think that it’s the only thing that she doesn’t try to control.

I did head up after a I took a bike ride.  I went with a new friend.  I like her.  I like meeting new lesbians.  I spilled though and really bruised my right ring finger.  I’m not ready for a gay marriage evidently.

We talked for about an hour.  I knew that there was more that she needed to tell me and it was that she had a first date, but the woman told her that she doesn’t talk much unless it’s her best friend or her mother, so she told her that she doesn’t know how she will get to know her.  That’s fine.  I knew that this time around that given that it’s different and I won’t date her without counseling, that she would move on, and it’s really because I’m not that worth it to her.  Not meant to be.

We had good lovemaking.  However, when a dog outside was disturbing her, I could see the writing on the wall that I would be blamed for talking so I said, “You aren’t usually bothered by anything outside although it’s loud at your house, so I’m going to head home so you can sleep,” and she said, “You don’t have to put that on me.  I appreciate your need to go home if you can’t get to sleep here.”  I told her that I have not slept well in a month, but that I could tell that she is not sleeping.  I left out the fact that I would be blamed later for that.  It’s not my problem anymore.  I’m not the designated asshole.

That I don’t ever text her bothers her deeply, so I’ll text her from the soccer field tonight and say that I hope that she had an incredible day.  I will also hope that she keeps our date on Friday.  If not, I will text her each night and ask when I can bring up food for her.  I will find jokes and funny stories to e-mail to her while she recovers.  Unless my cousin goes to her party the first part of December, I’d rather stick a hot fire poker in my eye (Please note that I have borrowed her line there), so I’ll wait to Feb to make plans.  I’m pretty pragmatic.  She’ll want me if she doesn’t start dating someone.  I can do that and her anytime that she asks.  That part of our relationship always works, but we just don’t have conflict resolution skills.

And I’ve stopped playing reindeer games

So, when she ignores my calls, it’s because I have a ludicrous, inflexible schedule, right?  When she screams at me about all my shortcomings when I’m just trying to see when I can drop off food for her during her recovery, it’s probably because of how selfish I am, right?  I can’t believe her.  She contacted a couple times during my dinner for my supervisee and I texted “You too!  Goodnight” when I got home.  She is the queen of explanations points because she’s always mad, so I am rather taken with them now.  So, this morning I emailed for her to reply back if she was available and wanted to talk–as emails make less noise when her son’s away–but BIG SHOCKER, she has not responded.

At least when she acts this way, I don’t miss her even a little.  Plus, I haven’t seen her in a month and she isn’t jumping on counseling or have I asked her any questions, so I could really give two shits if we talk today or tomorrow.  What I will do is when she’s at work, is drop off some food.  Now, I get why her ex-partner leaves toys and stuff for her son on the porch.  Makes sense to me now, because when she says that she would like to come drop stuff by, I am sure that my ex has excuses for why that doesn’t work and then blames it on her rigid schedule.

Again, to summarize: 1) I have been in an eleven-year relationship and never had any similar complaints, 2) I am nurturing and do the right thing, and 3) you really know someone in a year, and with these many issues, it would take lots of time, space, and therapy to resolve them.  So, I’m doing the latter two.  That’s what I do anyway.  I’m also patient and never try to control outcomes.  I hope that she has a wonderful weekend.

And I want to see you

So, she wants me to meet her for a drink, and I can’t.  I have to meet with my supervisor for an hour and a half and then after that, I need to lift weights for my own mental health.  Plus, the woman who I supervise has had a pretty tough year so far, so her other supervisor who helps her work with young children and I are taking her out tonight.  I told my ex that I could meet her, but it would be really late and then she asked when my evening plans are done and I told her that I don’t really have an end time on dinner, but that we want to support our intern because it has been a tough, tough quarter for her.  And for me, as I don’t remember ever a year starting off like this for families who have kids in school.

I don’t understand why she has to contact me all of the time.  Can’t we lay low and then I’ll drop some food off for her before her surgery?  That seems most normal to me as we are not dating.  The only time that she didn’t contact me much at all was in between Memorial Day and the time that I saw her after the Fourth of July.  The reason that she didn’t stay in touch with me is because I had asked her if we could go to counseling and she didn’t have the guts to say, “No,” until she saw me and then she wanted to make me want her and presented like a corpse so I don’t want that.  She had followed up in an email saying that she had been looking at me the whole time–at that point, we hadn’t seen each other in six weeks–and that she was just scared.  However, our subsequent date she was edgy.  She doesn’t seem often to be in a very good mood when she sees me and that makes a friendship impossible.  She’s moody.  I’ve been with moody, and I don’t like it.

Because I don’t want to rush around or go somewhere late at night and then drive all the way home, I just think it best if she really does want to meet with me for a drink that we do that next Friday.  That’s fine.  I hope that she is acting nice.  I also hope that she gets that I don’t want her advice.  My friends don’t give me unsolicited advice.  I have certainly asked for advice about her when we were dating, but they don’t tell me all the time what I should do.  That’s a hot button for me, because I’m an adult and conduct my life well.  Things that I know that I should do differently, I am starting to do, and it’s because I want things to feel more streamlined and easy on the home front.  So, we shall see if she presents kind, if we can laugh, and if she does not give advice to me.  If not, we can try again later.  I do want us to be amiable.  That’s important to me.

Not spinning

I should take another spin class though…  Food for thought.  She pissed me off today by being the queen of unsolicited advice.  God Lady, you are totally sexy, but check your control issues and remind yourself that I didn’t ask you or do I have the same view of the world.  I do believe that love is what matters.  I don’t believe that most people are simply liars.  I don’t worry about the way people say things all the time or do I make myself crazy thinking about hidden motivations.  Everyone does the best with what they have.  Wow.  I also would not ever send her a picture of her ex.  She did that last night with the woman with whom I had my coming out affair five-years ago, and I responded innocuously.  It was a good reminder that I need to be careful who I date next.  And I will.

The thing is that when you’re not dating, you can very simply, disengage.  So, I did.  I said, “Have a good night.”  And I don’t have to text or follow up about anything.  She can still tell me how selfish and unaccountable I am and tell me the way that I need to be with friends and next loves, but I have never heard anything like these statements from anyone but her so I’m not owning it.  I will, however, synch her iPod and take her food before she goes into surgery.  And that’s it.  What will be will be and I will not as she always puts it “spin out.”  I’m settled and getting grounded.


I used to say religiously, “I’m not taking her back,” and that level of black and white doesn’t even sound like me.  Now, I say, “Your actions confuse me.”  I don’t get why she texts at night before she goes into her work week at night.  She knows that I won’t just engage and be super friendly.  I will answer direct questions, but I am not going to be chatty and exchange details with someone who I have dated for ten-months total, and that I didn’t know over a year ago.  I have tons of friends to talk about the hell that I had with my son this weekend and the fact that most of it was fragmented and he played so rough with his best friend last night that he hurt him.  I talk to my FRIENDS about that.  Plus, I’m not into superficiality, but rather connection.  I had a huge dinner on Saturday with a friend who I have had a friendship with since 5th grade at one of my colleague’s houses with whom I have just gotten closer, and closer over the last 11-years.  I have connections with friends.

I would not say that I don’t need her.  Because she is the only one who I can imagine kissing.  It is interesting to me that when I kissed for the first time the girl from summer it wasn’t even nice.  She is not a good kisser.  It had been awhile since I had been with a girl who didn’t kiss well.  Like over three-years, and I was surprised that I even went further.  I was just lonely.  That’s the huge contrast currently.  I’m not lonely.  I just think that my ex is afraid of taking a step with me for a variety of reasons, but it does translate to me that I’m not worth it to her in that realm.  However, someday we will likely be quite amiable.

I told her that I won’t text unless I have to tell her something about my son or if something would happen let’s say to my parents.  Otherwise, I will drop off a lot of food and visit her a couple of days before her surgery so I can synch her iPod.  I love a playlist that I made that is the namesake of one of my current blogging categories.  “I’m not the one to try to tell you lies, but the truth is that you’ve been hiding from it too,” are incredible lyrics as are many from the other 14 songs that I put on there.  Instead of speaking through the subterfuge of lyrics solely, I will also make a playlist of about 30 triumphant songs too so she has something to listen to while recovering.  I don’t think that I wrote that I was exactly right, and that is that she tore some of her muscles in the area where they took her son out when she had him.  I knew that she didn’t have cancer.  When you’re in love with someone and intimate with them, you just would know if he or she was sick.

I remember this summer a rather innocuous conversation that we had and it was nice.  I remember realizing that you probably can be friends with an ex, and I do believe that.  My friend and colleague who I cooked with this weekend said, “No you can’t!  You are in love with her and that won’t work!”  I told her in a few years I’ll be able to be her friend.  Again, she lives so far away from me that it won’t be close, I am sure, but what would honestly crush me is seeing her out by chance and have her be completely cold.  She is good at that too, so I’d rather just build some amiability.  I think that in my heart, I know that she really fears going to counseling with me and a woman like me presents real challenges for her.  When she withdraws, I’d really rather just know where she is at, so I can hold her tight, but like another Cameron Crowe line she is “not built that way,” so I really will just hold out.  I will not just sleep with some girl to numb this pain, because that is not what I’m looking for either.

I want to find someone

  1. Sexy
  2. Funny
  3. Smart
  4. Who I see and just feel a chemical hit
  5. Who truly wants to completely connect to me

Bad Day

Although really not that bad of a day yesterday, it was definitely not my favorite.  And my son didn’t get much sleep so he was a holy terror.  Cancellation of my friend’s son coming to dinner made him cry, so he tried to play with one of my best friend’s daughters, but they are very different, so I think last night he was a little bored.  He also was in a very strange mood during the cookie decorating with his godmother and his “cousins,” so it was just an off day.  We have those.

I went to bed at a decent hour and even did 20-minutes of cardio this morning.  I explained to my son that tomorrow would be the only practice that I would miss of his because I need to get back on my weight lifting and he understood this morning saying, “Well, it’s not like you’d miss a game!”  He gets it.  He is a pretty cool kid.  Now, I’m drinking coffee and reflecting.

I get that conflict is inevitable, but I don’t want to fight dirty.  Name calling and bringing up old resentments that you never get over should not typify your fights though.  Should we ever go to counseling, I’d like to start there.  However, I must note that I have spent three-years kinda like this, because I’m sure that folks know that drunks fight just like that too.  I just don’t want that in my love relationship.

I want someone who treats me well and when I aggravate her, she and I take space and then talk about it.  I would prefer to know how long that space is, because in my last relationship it just seemed indefinite, and then I’d be waiting around and getting nervous and when I’d engage her in conversation she would either snap at me or attack.  It sucked.  I don’t want that again.  I had read once in a marriage and family textbook that couples who fight well can do the long haul, so that’s what I want the next time around.  I want to resolve conflicts.  I will look through my old entries that I have kept since 2009 and see if that is normal for me.  Have I always wanted to resolve conflicts well?

Right now in addition to really pounding homework, I need to work in counseling on what I should address and that is my need to manage feelings of rejection.  I don’t know how long the haul will be, because I feel pretty sane.  I’m not in the imbalanced dance that I was five-years ago even remotely.  However, I am on the track of self-improvement, so I would like to work on what came up for me this time around so I can go into my next venture, or go to counseling with my ex with an idea of what will help me move forward.

Never settling

I’m looking for something that will sustain, so probably by it’s very true that I need to just slow down and be.  Right now it’s just sitting in my grief and pain, because I didn’t do that this summer, so I can get the contrast.  What I did this summer is feel completely rejected, because she withdraws when she has a lot on her mind–probably because she has had to do it to survive–and then when I would not respect it and then engage her in conversation, I would get attacked, so I avoided her because I knew we’d just fight.  And God, does she fight mean.  It’s funny because she didn’t even get that this summer while we were separated.  She left me a HeyTell this week that said, “So, I did the breaking up January through April, and then you did from May on?”  Nope.

It is true that now I’m in this rejected space, but what is different now is that I’m going to sit here and feel bad because I don’t feel the need to numb this pain.  Staying in it will help me come through it when I have healed.  I’m not imbalanced like I was at the end of 2007, so I can just feel sad.  I can also address why I feel so rejected when she takes what she calls emotional distance.  I don’t like being shut out, and I know exactly where that comes from and it will take specific and hard work to get through it.  That is my stuff though.  I almost feel like I have to be even stronger and more solid to be her partner.  I’m a tough one too, but for her, you’d have to be even tougher and completely grounded.

In terms of this summer, when I kicked her out of her own bed because of how badly I had pissed her off, I just bailed.  I definitely regretted it, and did even more so when she sent me pictures of her and her son saying that I probably felt badly because I didn’t make the right decision.  The decision was not wrong, but I do regret that after our first time that we saw each other and our subsequent date not simply staying with being numb.  Instead I numbed my pain by hooking up with a semi-friend, which didn’t help and I couldn’t get anything out of it with exception of all those crazy things that you do when it’s like a one night stand from a Prince song.  I kept sleeping with her because I told myself, “The damage is done.  Might as well keep doing it.”  The thing is that although some reciprocity got better, I realized how fundamentally incompatible we were and that is because that true connection is rare or it simply takes time to build.  You can’t speed it up, it either is there, or you have to spend time together to watch it grow so it will sustain.  With my summer quick fling, there wasn’t much there and she wasn’t a person whom I can respect much.  It was like the Cameron Crowe line, “a warm body to cushion the fall.”

Now, I want to be alone.  I want to work so I can have my school stuff done by December with the exception of my hours of family work that I have to complete.  Of course I will also do some good parenting stuff, and he is such a challenge that I need to do some preventative stuff (AGAIN) at this juncture, but that is something that I have also been doing on my own for five years, so I get that. I also get how to be alone, but I’m unsure if I get what it’s like for me when I’m truly alone.  The first time was when I was 14.  The second time was when I was 23.  The next time was when I was 33.  Now at 38, I am not as solitary as I was previously because I’m an adult and raising a kid, but have no plans to chase any girls (Again, those damn introverts!) because I simply will not numb my pain.  There is a chance; although, it is very slim that I will meet someone who is interesting, but what I will do is say to her, “Listen, I am still very much in the throes of being in love with my ex, so we can hang out a little, but I am making a promise to myself to be conscious of not just falling into some arms because at present they don’t reject me.”


Coming Out

So, it has been five-years for me…  But, that was just to make it official.  Having thought that I was supposed to have been born a boy, I just did masculine things like rough play, action figures, and bike stunts.  However, if you look at me when I was younger I look like my son with dark coloring, so it is not a surprise that I came out, but it’s very odd that I did when I did.  Honestly, I went around with my shirt off and only played with boys.  Later in 5th and 6th grade, I had some friends who were girls and then the awkwardness ensued.  I remember being aroused sitting in one girl’s house when I was about twelve, and middle school slumber parties were agony and hell.

I had sex with a girl first when I was 15.  I was with her off and on–she was off sometimes with boyfriends–but I didn’t even kiss a boy until college.  And it was weird.  I think that I’ve kissed three boys, and I don’t think that they kiss worth shit actually.  (I do know that it’s just that lack of chemistry which I have with males.)  My first girlfriend, meaning the one that I had all through hs, was mentally ill though and actually wound up in a mental hospital during what would have been our sophomore year of college.

Then, there was my college roommate.  Hot.  To be honest, I still can look at her eyes in pictures and see what I saw then.  She always had to get next to me.  The distance would get smaller and smaller.  After about three-months, we cuddled.  Then the following year, we would sleep together, but nothing physical happened beyond holding each other tight.  It was nice, but chaste.  It was not until the following fall that I was laying next to her in bed, like I usually did, but then I undressed her.  I can still remember that night, which is funny, because I have no memories that are sexual from my first girlfriend.  I remember with terror when she told me, “You know, this is the second time that this has happened to you, so did you ever consider that you are a lesbian?”  NOPE.

I so wanted to be “normal,” and never dealt with it.  I had an eleven-year relationship with a man.  We even have a kid together and we are amiable enough.

I touched her hand in 2005 and thought, “Boy, do I have to avoid you!” which I did, successfully, for over two-years, but when my boss transferred me, it was unbearable.  Also, she is a shameless flirt!  I am really taken with those damn Geminis, although they are bad for me.  (She has a Moon in Gemini, and my lost love has an Ascendant in it.)  After about a month, we were lingering at Happy Hour after everyone had gone.  She came out to me finally.  Then we met once for a drink on the weekend and I told her, “I have had sex with a woman,” and she said, “You have?!?”  I didn’t tell her two relationships, but I did tell her all about my college girlfriend.  About this time five-years ago, we made out on her couch for two-hours.  I can remember her kisses and a few things that she taught me about sex; although, there were certainly things in my skillset as I had been with women for about 5.5 years prior to her, but she was my first lesbian.

Now, here I am…  I’m 38-years-old.  I have been out for five-years with everyone, and I believe this year marks the crossover to more years with girls than my only male stint that I will ever have.  I know people are attracted to the person, but hell no, not I.  I’m attracted to their smells, their skin, the swell of their hips, their eyes, the way they kiss and then all of the sexual aspects of  women.  That’s me.  I’m a lesbian and just over five-years ago while making lists of who I had told, and who I needed to know was getting very small.  Now there are never tears and it’s rare to even be asked, because I know, don’t have to broadcast, and have worked through internalized homophobia.  I’m gay.

My place

So, I went out with a friend last night, and I really wish in most ways that I had known that my best friend was hosting a karaoke night, because that is much more my speed, but I did get some insights from the friend with whom I spent last evening.  It really is great to have so many friends who work in mental health.  She told me that our relationship has the perpetual flavor of “I will leave you first.”  I can honestly say that I have never done that with a girl, so it is spurned by a super shitty dynamic that only she and I create.  I get that she has a control and abandonment flavor, but no matter how sexy she is, I must not take her back.  If I see her again and she has been sexually untoward, I must say, “I will definitely see you.  Here are the three names for psychologists and social workers that I have.  Phone screen them and tell me where to meet you or trust me and I will make the appointment.”  That has to be it.

Additionally, I know in the bottom of my heart that she is interested in the woman with whom I will have a playdate and probably a couple of others who actually live in her county.  I am intuitive, and she would not continue to ride my ass about “someone” if she didn’t have a woman closer than I who is a prospect.  I am not going to text–something that I’m good at–and I have changed my mind about sending a letter asking for counseling. She, of course, emailed yesterday, and I wrote that I would go to couples’ counseling with her in a heartbeat, but ironically there is not time.  And there isn’t!  Like I always say, “We are not aging in reverse!”

Self of Therapist

OK, it is finally D-day because someone who calls you a big baby when she hurts your feelings is not your partner…  So, I have to ask her why she went from it will be great to see you to, let’s play it by ear to, save gas and let’s see if we can work tomorrow out.

  • She told me that it was because she wanted free time with her son like I was currently having and that then when she heard that I’d be closer to her Sunday see if that could work out, but without me re-arranging

Translation:  I want to control whether or not you get to see me, and I’m much more interested in connecting with this other woman who you live to close to, because I was attracted to her initially, and want to know who you live by and possibly will spend time with at times.

I have to ask her lots of questions.

  • I, in fact, asked her few questions, and when she said, “I know who you’ll date next and I will send the name to you in an envelope,” I told her openly that I’m interested in the engineer and she LOST it.  I am honest, I don’t regret it, and although my interest is not sexual at this point, and I can acknowledge that I still am in love with my ex, I am intrigued by the engineer and very attracted to her stability.

When did she go from in just a short time I love you and your son and want to say move in here and enroll him at the local elementary?

  • I couldn’t ask her this questions, because she only sees that we trigger each other and continues not to acknowledge her back and forth with me.

How does she see our fights?

  • She doesn’t think that we fight all of the time even when I told her that it follows a monthly cycle.

Why do you pull away from me when things get intense or scary for you?

  • She said that she didn’t consciously this time when she had her health scare and if not talking and then changing plans last minute is not pulling away, then we don’t see emotional connection in the same way at all.

Why did she say that she couldn’t go to therapy after reflecting for six-weeks because she didn’t want anybody to poke around in her head?

  • I didn’t ask this question either, but if you have read any of the entries that I wrote from winter, I think that you know the answer, because I certainly do.  I also want to point out that it is snowing today, and so I get the whole cycle now.

Why does she continue to say what our friendship could look like if that’s not really what she was focusing on, because it felt like that is what she wanting?

  • I have that answer too.  Because she doesn’t want a friendship.  I have hateful texts and have been blocked from her social media and also from her cell phone, I am sure, because she told me that she was going so.

So, what have I learned?  I am capable of deep, connected love.  I like to keep in the tip top physical shape.  I give second, third, and many chances because I am adaptable.  I really had grieved our relationship toward the end of last spring.  I had gotten very intrigued by how different she had appeared in August and was quite hopeful, but that hope started to fade quickly when I realized that we would be back in our monthly cycle.  What is interesting to me is that when I blocked the drunk, it was because she threatened my life, and I am blocked because I threaten her heart.  It is too bad that we can’t be friends, but it is just as well that our relationship completely ended in a clean manner.


I think that  I get lured in because she’s sexy and because we do have great sexual intimacy, but I was reflecting on why that is and I think that is where her guard is down.  Otherwise she is guarded, scared and angry particularly when someone is close.  It’s not like she hasn’t been giving me warnings…  She told me the last weekend that I saw her that we could have an amazing friendship if we didn’t work out, and I told her that it wouldn’t be close.  She was pissed and said, “Well, then we can have a friendship with no depth.”  I told her that the depth would always be there given what we shared, but that if we didn’t work out as partners a close friendship is inappropriate.  So, I think that we are social media friends.  My friends and I don’t have fights where we call each other basically big babies and make accusations about each other’s characters and that is because I wouldn’t have someone with those types of characteristics as a close friend.  She is an ex who I loved more deeply than I thought capable.

I have four best friends.  One is from middle school, so he is basically like a childhood friend.  I don’t see him often, but because of history we have good times around the holidays and the like.  I don’t think that he selects good mates for him, and I know that he misses his sons, but he doesn’t see one at all and the other he only talks to weekly on the phone.  This is probably why I don’t see him frequently. Meaning that he and I don’t lead our lives in the same fashion.  I have another best friend from graduate school and I have been there as she is getting healthy with relationship, which is admirable.  I think I’m getting closer, but am not quite where she is.  I do have an example of when we have fought…  She stopped talking to me for almost three months when my ex broke up with me after New Year’s Day this year.  She told me that I should not invite in crazy, and I guess that I have gotten something out of her instability for the past nine-months off and on.  I just can’t navigate mean and I told this best friend that yesterday on the phone–she lives on the East Coast.  She was right though and I have to send her something this week, so I need to tell her that because I neglected to do so on the phone.

I have another best friend who I met because I did contract work for her.  She also lives far away and because I just haven’t had pay increases really while stuff continues to rise in cost, I don’t see her too much and she’s not a phone person.  However, we always do have each other’s back and we have had some wild times together that I miss.  Although those types of times have passed, we got even closer during them when we were doing things that we probably uncharacteristic of us.  My last best friend lives here…  It is very hard to see her frequently because I seem to drive my son to his classes all the time.  I miss her, because it is so easy to be with her.  Her youngest kids are in between the age of my son, and she simply loves it when I cook for her.  I won’t be driving 80-miles in a roundtrip anymore to see a woman whom I am dating, so I think that every other Thursday I can see her again, which will be great for us and our kids.  I write this because I’m covered on the friend front.  I also have a whole bunch of other friends too who I see less frequently, and there is now a couple from the trip my ex and I made to the mountains who I’m interested in knowing more.  One is a Mom who I have interest in because she lives close, is outdoorsy, and has a daughter my son’s age.  Another is a neighbor and I have interest in her that I can’t define yet.  She is cute.  I look forward to a bike ride with her soon.

So, great sex does not a partnership make.  Especially when you can assume that most of it is an extension of a couple of perfectionists who are fairly sexual.  I put qualifier on it only for her, because she tends to withdraw there a lot when her mood goes south.  That has gotten old too.

First, project engineer shall begin.  I need to check when she is back stateside as she went on a very cool trip for her 40th.  I kinda still crush on the girl 10-years younger than me, but I really think that a friendship is more responsible.  We shall see how Ms Roadbiker and I are meant to develop.   I’m open to novelty and seeing where things go with other girls.  I am actually excited to date again, and I HATE dating.  I told a friend yesterday that I just fear getting too good at it.