Self of Therapist

OK, it is finally D-day because someone who calls you a big baby when she hurts your feelings is not your partner…  So, I have to ask her why she went from it will be great to see you to, let’s play it by ear to, save gas and let’s see if we can work tomorrow out.

  • She told me that it was because she wanted free time with her son like I was currently having and that then when she heard that I’d be closer to her Sunday see if that could work out, but without me re-arranging

Translation:  I want to control whether or not you get to see me, and I’m much more interested in connecting with this other woman who you live to close to, because I was attracted to her initially, and want to know who you live by and possibly will spend time with at times.

I have to ask her lots of questions.

  • I, in fact, asked her few questions, and when she said, “I know who you’ll date next and I will send the name to you in an envelope,” I told her openly that I’m interested in the engineer and she LOST it.  I am honest, I don’t regret it, and although my interest is not sexual at this point, and I can acknowledge that I still am in love with my ex, I am intrigued by the engineer and very attracted to her stability.

When did she go from in just a short time I love you and your son and want to say move in here and enroll him at the local elementary?

  • I couldn’t ask her this questions, because she only sees that we trigger each other and continues not to acknowledge her back and forth with me.

How does she see our fights?

  • She doesn’t think that we fight all of the time even when I told her that it follows a monthly cycle.

Why do you pull away from me when things get intense or scary for you?

  • She said that she didn’t consciously this time when she had her health scare and if not talking and then changing plans last minute is not pulling away, then we don’t see emotional connection in the same way at all.

Why did she say that she couldn’t go to therapy after reflecting for six-weeks because she didn’t want anybody to poke around in her head?

  • I didn’t ask this question either, but if you have read any of the entries that I wrote from winter, I think that you know the answer, because I certainly do.  I also want to point out that it is snowing today, and so I get the whole cycle now.

Why does she continue to say what our friendship could look like if that’s not really what she was focusing on, because it felt like that is what she wanting?

  • I have that answer too.  Because she doesn’t want a friendship.  I have hateful texts and have been blocked from her social media and also from her cell phone, I am sure, because she told me that she was going so.

So, what have I learned?  I am capable of deep, connected love.  I like to keep in the tip top physical shape.  I give second, third, and many chances because I am adaptable.  I really had grieved our relationship toward the end of last spring.  I had gotten very intrigued by how different she had appeared in August and was quite hopeful, but that hope started to fade quickly when I realized that we would be back in our monthly cycle.  What is interesting to me is that when I blocked the drunk, it was because she threatened my life, and I am blocked because I threaten her heart.  It is too bad that we can’t be friends, but it is just as well that our relationship completely ended in a clean manner.

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