Category Archives: Fall

This fall started with me trying with my ex, and didn’t last long at all. It is still crazy to me that two women who loved each other so deeply last fall, cannot find a way to get along. It is interesting too that this fall is not beautiful outside like it was last fall.

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The thrill is gone

I have had a very longterm relationship, and another one that was around three-years or so.  The latter was with a girl, and that was easier for me to navigate because I could still muster passion for her.  With my ex-husband, we became barely connected partners, and I don’t want anything like that in the future.

I’m being punished for not going to her party.  So, if we aren’t dating and we have sex like a PRN, and we are definitely NOT friends, why should I go to your party?!?  Today, she e-mailed that I was invited to it and wasn’t there.  No shit, Sherlock.  “This is…  My ex-girlfriend?  An FB who I love, but can’t get my shit together with?”  WTF?

We shall see if next Friday passes with no hook-up.  I can’t hustle anymore.  I just can’t.

I don’t know if when she is like this if that will even last.  We don’t run into each other at all, and honestly I just want to be amiable when we do.  I don’t know if even after she has moved through Christmas without her father if she will be any different with respect to me.  I think for right now, I’m just going to bow out with no contact and see if we can hook-up next weekend.  She asked for pictures of our tree–it is going up tomorrow.

I’m not one of those people who cares if I have a girl at Christmas or on New Year’s.  That’s not my thing, because it’s contrived.  I’m a lot of things, but I’m real, and without passion, I don’t dwell.  I’m looking forward to buying a little tree tomorrow and decorating it with my son, and I’m also looking forward to the Nutcracker with him on Saturday.  I think that I’ll also take him out for sushi.

I have been working like crazy.  I did Monday – Wednesday night, but managed to meet a colleague on Tuesday for weights, but tonight I’m really looking forward to connecting with my son.  I think that I’ll cook a favorite meal for him too.  He’ll have to tag along and play air hockey and foosball tonight while my colleague and I lift.  I can take Sat off from working out because I have to babysit, go to a six-year-old’s bday party and then we have our ballet.  That seems good.

Thrills are not something that I seek.  I don’t like neutrality though.  I have this mug and it says, “would rather be alone than taken casually,” and I think that sums up who I am pretty well.  I like my own company quite well and have tons of friends.  I will be interesting to see how the next five weeks go by and develop.

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Journeys

She called last night while I was lifting weights with a colleague and started out the message by saying, “I know that you didn’t expect to hear anything from me until Sunday, and I hope that you’re doing something fun.”  She always tells me that I did a good job getting through the week–Thursday and Friday at work were truly fucking miserable–and I think that’s odd.  What’s my alternative?  I get through every week, and I have never had a lover who was much of a sympathetic ear given work stress, so I just keep on keeping on.  She also said that she was thinking of me.

So, tag you’re it, right?  My message was that it was great to hear your voice and thanks for the encouragement because Thursday and Friday were hideous.  I told her I was sorry that she had to work with many members of her family being in town, and that I had thought of her all day Friday especially, and that is nothing new because I always think of her.  That’s true too.  I also said that I wished her a wonderful weekend and hopefully we shall touch bases on Sunday and then I said, “I love you.”  I do.

I do not feel remotely safe with her though.  That is why I won’t date her.  There has not been anything that has occurred in these last two months that has made me feel more stable with respect to the way that she interacts with me either.  Her level of being private borders on remote, and I’m unwilling to be with anyone who is that scared of vulnerability.

The only thing that has happened, which occurred the night before I asked for $50 to come to her–which my Psychologist says is Socialism, but I think it’s Prostitution–was that I unloaded on her.  I have not unloaded completely on anyone in over five-years.  I am usually controlled with respect to anger.  I’m a processor.  I heard her say, “We are just not a priority in your life anymore,” and she said, “We are just not a priority in each other’s lives anymore.”  I really went a little nutty, and she just kept saying, “Baby, don’t say anything that you will regret later,” and “Hey, just breathe, calm down, honey.”  And then as I continued to just basically lose it and freak out she said, “Listen, I love you.  We can talk another time.  Let’s just hang up for tonight.”  She has never been like that with me, and honestly it gave me pause, so then since she wanted me that Friday night, I went Saturday for money.  It was nice, and was just two weeks ago.

That’s not vulnerable though.  That’s just doing well in conflict and saying even.  I’m not saying that it’s not fantastic, but I’m looking for so much more than treating me well and refraining from being mean.  I’m looking for true connection even when there are struggles and she and I frankly, are much more used to navigating stress on our own and also being the one who others lean on, but I, myself, have distanced from those roles significantly over the past five-years.  She is new at that, and I think that the rescuer role is comfortable for her so she doesn’t have to look too closely at herself and examine her patterns.

I have been thinking that with her elaborate basement remodel and deck extension for a hot tub that a younger girl who would have no trouble getting pregnant may come her way.  I know that she does find men very appealing, but she is far too intimidating for a man longterm.  I do hope that she can have another parent for that wonderful son, as she is pretty extreme and another ego in the house would be good for that little boy as well as her.

As for me, I don’t really have much of a real list.  I do want some reciprocity in good treatment and the ability to resolve conflict well.  But, I’m so unwilling to do a damn thing until my house is organized and I’m making progress at school.  I am staying focused on what I hope can be someday in my future.

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No absolutes

The only thing that I don’t want to do is drive up there.  There are multiple reasons why I won’t too.  It’s really far away and moves my needle a little over half when I do come home.  It requires me to get oil changes faster.  I also miss being home.  I have been away from home with my free time for three-years because I dated a woman who moved to FL and then when I was finally completely free of her, I started up another relationship and my ex does not live in the same city.  I need a home base for a sense of balance.

I know that I do love her, but I know myself and if I can spend a few months without seeing her and just stay focused on my practical stuff and writing for school and the normal nuts and bolts of busy work and my parenting responsibilities, I will be through being in love with her.  It’s fine to have love for someone, but it’s not good when you are not with someone and still very much in love with them.  I think that only this time I have made a positive shift in a healing direction because I directly told her yesterday that she’s welcome to come to me and when I “signed off” for the night and wished her well I told her that I’m sick of being away from my house all the time, and that’s true.

A friend of mine asked why I wasn’t dating.  I slept with my ex a month ago this weekend, but I didn’t spend the night because I could feel her mood turning and didn’t want her to unload on me.  But, that’s not it.  I’m just given a lot of pause of how quickly I went into another relationship, and this one, because my ex is a healthier person; although she does have an explosive temper, was actually much more serious than my former “partnership.”  My ex is a serious and intense person.  I’m not dating because I’m giving myself space until spring to even look around or ask around.  I do like that I have two new couples who are in partnerships in my life.  They will be women who I can spend time with and see if they have single friends perhaps when I’m ready.

So, I’m not saying that I won’t have sex with my ex.  I may.  I won’t drive 80-miles to do it because I’m never home, have way less money than she does, and I want her to want to see me.  If she doesn’t, each day I am getting better and better with that truth.  I’m just being increasingly patient with myself.

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Rules

So, they are all for me now (rules).  She was texting a bunch the last two days, so I just called her because I don’t want to text back and forth because it’s weird and we are no longer dating.  She talked about her recovery and I told her about my determination that I am not at all into the engineer and that there was a woman in a bar who was checking me out and I didn’t notice at all, but my friend had told me to watch the video of when I sang karaoke, so I could see it.  I probably won’t though, because it doesn’t interest me and neither do women right now either.  She abruptly hung up; although, we have our “friends hat” on now.

Later, of course, she texted and told me that it hurts her to learn about how many girls are attracted to me because she still loves me and is attracted to me.  I told her that we are not friends then. I need to be clear and so should she if she wants to feel better, etc.  Then she told me that she would do couple’s work with me, but that she has so much to sort out individually–and that she is working on it too–so she cannot do that on top of it because she is not able to commit to double therapy.  She said that in the interim she’d understand if I moved on, but between now and then she’d appreciate us physically connecting…

I worked 45 hours this week and will work 52 next week, so if she wants sex, she’ll have to drive to me.  I will not go there for a long time, and there is a good chance that by the time I really need some intimacy that I’ll just go out around here to see if interest in women is something that can start to happen for me.  Right now, they tend to annoy me or I guess I just don’t notice them.  That is nearly 100% independent of her too, because I’m simply not ready to date.  I wouldn’t date her again either without her making some serious changes.

I was feeling very good that she finally has admitted that she is the one who needs to do work.  It’s not me.  I’m stable and grounded and know that really I just eventually want to share my life with a woman, but don’t want to to share it with one who is on my ass all the time or picks fights.  No thanks.  So, if she wants to have sex, she needs to head my way, because I won’t ever text her first and I don’t want to drive up there anymore, because frankly it’s a financial and time sink–it’s not worth it to me unless we were building something.  I get that she probably wants to date me, but I don’t want to date anyone who I don’t feel important to.  If you really want me, come on down, as you know where I am, I’m a sexual person, and I’m more than happy to meet your needs, but it has to be on my terms, because you are the one who continued to push and pull, so now my ground rules are come to me if you want me, but I’m not doing dating maintenance.

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Not into her

It could be a bit, and that’s fine by me.  I can use some downtime.  I really have not been out of relationships, and need to work on what I want.  I keep saying that I want to project healthy, but the thing is it’s more like detox.  I AM healthy, but have been with unhealthy for some time now.  In all honesty, that part of my journey has been 3-years long.

I had been with the drunk–I should note that we referred to each other as “my partner” and we wore rings for about 3-months of our two-years–and knew it was done for at least 11-months.  I met her in June of 2009.  When she tried to choke me in our hotel room too the last time that I saw her f2f, I had solidified the talk that I had begun many times on the phone.  It sucks when you have money invested in flights and other things.  I had one more trip, but my best friend from graduate school came to pick me up and drove all night so I could spend five-days in her city instead last October.  Now, I have not seen the drunk in over a year.  However, one must realize that I met my ex about three-weeks after the drunk and I ended it for good and forever on the phone after my last f2f trip.  I had been telling her over and over that we weren’t working out, but I just wanted to see out plans and flew the last time, so I could have the conversation that I had had on the phone with her several times, f2f.  Jennifer Beales says in one episode of “The L-Word” that “sometimes you have to break up with some lesbians more than once.”  I guess that happened with my ex too.

She started breaking up with me once a month since January.  I have no idea why I thought that it would be any different in August and September.  Although, I will tell you that when she showed up lively and flirty in my driveway, I knew that we would be having sex that evening.  And we had not had good, connected sex with kissing in well over 3-months.  Then enter in the “go see your psychologist,” which later turned into “Let’s have a glass a wine, connect, and talk about your work situation,” which of course culminated throughout the day into, “Let’s play dinner by ear, can I call you?” To: “Let’s just see what works out this evening,” to finally, “Let’s see if we can work something out tomorrow.  Oh wait, you’re too rigidly scheduled.”  To this I say, “I’m done for good, and you have problems with me in a relationship, so no more dating without counseling.”

What I’ve come to is that I want to be sure before I start sleeping with a new girl.  I would like some time to elapse.  It’s scary though, because I had a little FB this summer and she introduced herself to me as a teacher, which was a lie, because she actually never finished college.  She didn’t tell me this until after we had spent several nights together.  When do you really know someone?  It does honestly take a year, but I won’t wait a year for sex.  I just won’t.  However, I would like to get to know a girl well this time around before I sleep with her, because I really have never done that with the exception of my FB from summer.  Ultimately, that didn’t matter though, because she was not one who is full of integrity in many respects; although, that is what she champions about herself.  People sure are weird.

The engineer is really smart, but there is not enough there for me to explore it.  Also, right now she is dating some men.  Nope.  I can completely understand that some women like sex with men, but to date them involves a whole other thing that does not appeal to me at all and I said that last night.  She said something clever about tea and containers and the quality, and then I said, “So, you’re bi-sexual?” and she said, “No, but I’m not sure what I’m seeking except a good person.”  No thank you, because I was there in high school and college and both of those girls wound up with men, because that is safe and provides a security that being with a woman never will, because you may not be invited to things, and people often look at you differently, because your partner is a woman.  Additionally, she doesn’t make eye contact with me much anyway, which could be because she likes me, but I’m looking for that sex appeal thing that comes with sustained eye contact and then is followed up with some cool convo. I need that package.

Again, I have not met her yet…  I am looking for:

  1. Smart
  2. Sexy
  3. Wants to see me
  4. Loves to be outside
  5. Enjoys music
  6. Wants to laugh
  7. Willing to work through conflict
  8. Open and adaptable
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On my way

She goes in for the complicated surgical procedure today.  I know that she will be fine and I have e-mailed her as much many times.  She does the whole, “love ya,” thing if she chooses to respond back.  I cannot type, “I love you.”  I haven’t typed it in a long time.  Granted I did tell her that I loved her when we last had sex, but when we connect, I feel like that.  Her inhibitions are only ever truly down when she is sexually intimate.  Otherwise she is full of walls like “love ya.”  She is not even like any of my friends.  Friday was weird and she was patronizing, so when she presents like that, it’s really easy for me to have no loving feelings toward her.  I don’t think that I am in love with her anymore.  I honestly think that shifted for me when she told me to go to my psychologist when I wanted to vent about work when we were still dating.  That’s just being awful.

I do hope that she gets well.  I don’t miss her.  I will quickly drop off food after I meet with my psychologist on Thursday.  Ha ha.  Really, I am doing some work around possible issues that could get in the way of sustaining love when I feel pushed away.  I’m not saying that she doesn’t really try to push me away, because she does.  She has that classic attachment flavor.  I’m not looking for that.  I am however looking for a woman who knows that I am honest, trusting, and nurturing and is ready to explore with me.  I have another year that I can commit to getting to know a girl.  However, I still don’t think that I have met this girl yet.  When I meet her, I would like to have some resolution around feelings of rejection that are triggered sometimes for me.

It’s my last trip way up there!  Yay.  I have Thanksgiving plans with my cousin and our kids, so I won’t need to even ask if she is going to her party.  I just know that I’m not.  I am excited that she is starting to date after she recovers.  I don’t want to hear details, but I think that she will learn a lot and I know that she will miss me.  She has never dated, so she has no clue what a catch I am.  I don’t think that I will be around either when she figures it all out.  I’m looking for my musical, hiker, poet who likes beer 😉

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Not the weird one

I know what I want, and I won’t settle for anything but that quintessential thunderbolt when I see this mystery girl.  That’s it.  Not about to chase anyone or am I begging for what I want to happen with my ex.

We had a glass of wine last night and I drove probably 40-miles round trip for 50-minutes.  I’m glad that next Thursday will be my last trip for some time.  However, if she would ask me for help, which she won’t, I would comply.  I think that she feels guilty that I’m dropping off food and synching her iPod, but that is the right thing to do and that is me.  I want her surgery to go well and for her to recover quickly.  I know that she will.  I then think that sometime in December, she will start dating.  That will be a very good experience for her too.

She was not a corpse.  She was open and fairly warm, but exhausted.  Her stress that she pretends is not there has caught up with her.  It will be a wonderful thing for her to not be able to move and be forced to just think and be.  I’m glad that she will have this time and believe that it will be helpful too.  I wasn’t remotely attracted to her though, but rather just felt compassion for what she is dealing with currently.  That approach made being across from the table from her quite comfortable for me too.

I had a situation visa vi my son blow up this week.  I had to put the “smack down” without him in attendance with his father.  My ex asked me last night about my parenting woes and I told her that I don’t want to talk about it.  She called me a compartmentalizer.  I don’t think that she gets that I’m just not willing to hear her judgmental bullshit given that we are not dating.  That in addition to her belief that I’m selfish, negative, and creepy will prevent me from ever being her friend.  However, I’m very glad that we can be amiable and share space if we have to, because I don’t want to live into this song:

 

EVERYONE gets these lyrics!  I like this video that is a queer take on the gr8 Gotye song.

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My place

So, I went out with a friend last night, and I really wish in most ways that I had known that my best friend was hosting a karaoke night, because that is much more my speed, but I did get some insights from the friend with whom I spent last evening.  It really is great to have so many friends who work in mental health.  She told me that our relationship has the perpetual flavor of “I will leave you first.”  I can honestly say that I have never done that with a girl, so it is spurned by a super shitty dynamic that only she and I create.  I get that she has a control and abandonment flavor, but no matter how sexy she is, I must not take her back.  If I see her again and she has been sexually untoward, I must say, “I will definitely see you.  Here are the three names for psychologists and social workers that I have.  Phone screen them and tell me where to meet you or trust me and I will make the appointment.”  That has to be it.

Additionally, I know in the bottom of my heart that she is interested in the woman with whom I will have a playdate and probably a couple of others who actually live in her county.  I am intuitive, and she would not continue to ride my ass about “someone” if she didn’t have a woman closer than I who is a prospect.  I am not going to text–something that I’m good at–and I have changed my mind about sending a letter asking for counseling. She, of course, emailed yesterday, and I wrote that I would go to couples’ counseling with her in a heartbeat, but ironically there is not time.  And there isn’t!  Like I always say, “We are not aging in reverse!”

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Self of Therapist

OK, it is finally D-day because someone who calls you a big baby when she hurts your feelings is not your partner…  So, I have to ask her why she went from it will be great to see you to, let’s play it by ear to, save gas and let’s see if we can work tomorrow out.

  • She told me that it was because she wanted free time with her son like I was currently having and that then when she heard that I’d be closer to her Sunday see if that could work out, but without me re-arranging

Translation:  I want to control whether or not you get to see me, and I’m much more interested in connecting with this other woman who you live to close to, because I was attracted to her initially, and want to know who you live by and possibly will spend time with at times.

I have to ask her lots of questions.

  • I, in fact, asked her few questions, and when she said, “I know who you’ll date next and I will send the name to you in an envelope,” I told her openly that I’m interested in the engineer and she LOST it.  I am honest, I don’t regret it, and although my interest is not sexual at this point, and I can acknowledge that I still am in love with my ex, I am intrigued by the engineer and very attracted to her stability.

When did she go from in just a short time I love you and your son and want to say move in here and enroll him at the local elementary?

  • I couldn’t ask her this questions, because she only sees that we trigger each other and continues not to acknowledge her back and forth with me.

How does she see our fights?

  • She doesn’t think that we fight all of the time even when I told her that it follows a monthly cycle.

Why do you pull away from me when things get intense or scary for you?

  • She said that she didn’t consciously this time when she had her health scare and if not talking and then changing plans last minute is not pulling away, then we don’t see emotional connection in the same way at all.

Why did she say that she couldn’t go to therapy after reflecting for six-weeks because she didn’t want anybody to poke around in her head?

  • I didn’t ask this question either, but if you have read any of the entries that I wrote from winter, I think that you know the answer, because I certainly do.  I also want to point out that it is snowing today, and so I get the whole cycle now.

Why does she continue to say what our friendship could look like if that’s not really what she was focusing on, because it felt like that is what she wanting?

  • I have that answer too.  Because she doesn’t want a friendship.  I have hateful texts and have been blocked from her social media and also from her cell phone, I am sure, because she told me that she was going so.

So, what have I learned?  I am capable of deep, connected love.  I like to keep in the tip top physical shape.  I give second, third, and many chances because I am adaptable.  I really had grieved our relationship toward the end of last spring.  I had gotten very intrigued by how different she had appeared in August and was quite hopeful, but that hope started to fade quickly when I realized that we would be back in our monthly cycle.  What is interesting to me is that when I blocked the drunk, it was because she threatened my life, and I am blocked because I threaten her heart.  It is too bad that we can’t be friends, but it is just as well that our relationship completely ended in a clean manner.

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Firm

I think that  I get lured in because she’s sexy and because we do have great sexual intimacy, but I was reflecting on why that is and I think that is where her guard is down.  Otherwise she is guarded, scared and angry particularly when someone is close.  It’s not like she hasn’t been giving me warnings…  She told me the last weekend that I saw her that we could have an amazing friendship if we didn’t work out, and I told her that it wouldn’t be close.  She was pissed and said, “Well, then we can have a friendship with no depth.”  I told her that the depth would always be there given what we shared, but that if we didn’t work out as partners a close friendship is inappropriate.  So, I think that we are social media friends.  My friends and I don’t have fights where we call each other basically big babies and make accusations about each other’s characters and that is because I wouldn’t have someone with those types of characteristics as a close friend.  She is an ex who I loved more deeply than I thought capable.

I have four best friends.  One is from middle school, so he is basically like a childhood friend.  I don’t see him often, but because of history we have good times around the holidays and the like.  I don’t think that he selects good mates for him, and I know that he misses his sons, but he doesn’t see one at all and the other he only talks to weekly on the phone.  This is probably why I don’t see him frequently. Meaning that he and I don’t lead our lives in the same fashion.  I have another best friend from graduate school and I have been there as she is getting healthy with relationship, which is admirable.  I think I’m getting closer, but am not quite where she is.  I do have an example of when we have fought…  She stopped talking to me for almost three months when my ex broke up with me after New Year’s Day this year.  She told me that I should not invite in crazy, and I guess that I have gotten something out of her instability for the past nine-months off and on.  I just can’t navigate mean and I told this best friend that yesterday on the phone–she lives on the East Coast.  She was right though and I have to send her something this week, so I need to tell her that because I neglected to do so on the phone.

I have another best friend who I met because I did contract work for her.  She also lives far away and because I just haven’t had pay increases really while stuff continues to rise in cost, I don’t see her too much and she’s not a phone person.  However, we always do have each other’s back and we have had some wild times together that I miss.  Although those types of times have passed, we got even closer during them when we were doing things that we probably uncharacteristic of us.  My last best friend lives here…  It is very hard to see her frequently because I seem to drive my son to his classes all the time.  I miss her, because it is so easy to be with her.  Her youngest kids are in between the age of my son, and she simply loves it when I cook for her.  I won’t be driving 80-miles in a roundtrip anymore to see a woman whom I am dating, so I think that every other Thursday I can see her again, which will be great for us and our kids.  I write this because I’m covered on the friend front.  I also have a whole bunch of other friends too who I see less frequently, and there is now a couple from the trip my ex and I made to the mountains who I’m interested in knowing more.  One is a Mom who I have interest in because she lives close, is outdoorsy, and has a daughter my son’s age.  Another is a neighbor and I have interest in her that I can’t define yet.  She is cute.  I look forward to a bike ride with her soon.

So, great sex does not a partnership make.  Especially when you can assume that most of it is an extension of a couple of perfectionists who are fairly sexual.  I put qualifier on it only for her, because she tends to withdraw there a lot when her mood goes south.  That has gotten old too.

First, project engineer shall begin.  I need to check when she is back stateside as she went on a very cool trip for her 40th.  I kinda still crush on the girl 10-years younger than me, but I really think that a friendship is more responsible.  We shall see how Ms Roadbiker and I are meant to develop.   I’m open to novelty and seeing where things go with other girls.  I am actually excited to date again, and I HATE dating.  I told a friend yesterday that I just fear getting too good at it.

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I’m different

It occurred to me yesterday when I was telling her some details about my day that I’m the one who is really different in this relationship.  She has reminded me that we are just dating, well, then that’s what I’ll show up for and it’s not much really.  I have dated–lots.  That means that we will probably talk right before most weekends and just see each other and that’s it.  The thing is that we talked everyday for six-months, and then it got weird, so we began the dance of what 7th graders tend to do and that’s the break-up/make-up cycle and then I was completely fed up with it Memorial Day, so I bounced.

At that point (May), I was surprised that it was completely over and I was definitely listening to her HeyTells a bunch the following morning, but unfortunately, I wanted to leave a message for a friend and it was on her name in the menu, so I accidentally left her a blank one and that is how we began talking again.  I asked her to go to counseling.  She answered that question f2f six-weeks later and when the answer was, “No,” I had a fling with a semi-friend–who is actually too intense for me–and then when she found out about it, she FLIPPED.  That was odd, because when she wouldn’t go to counseling, I figured that we were done forever.  I had two dates that Sunday.  That knowledge caused her to take me off her social media and not talk to me for 12-hours and then she demanded to see me.  I think that is the only reason that she had sex with me, tbh.  “If I can’t have you, I don’t want anyone to.”  Our sex life is good, so if we can have sex once or twice a month that is fine by me.

We would need counseling though.  She is finalizing the property divisions between her and her ex-partner.  She was with her I think for about 6-years, and now, 7-years later, they are finally splitting their properties and the older children are really out of the picture.  That is a long divorce.  I don’t move that slow.  I do wait and observe, but not for 7-years.

I don’t think that she will go to couples’ counseling with me in January.  I think that is why she told me that I should see my psychologist when I was venting about work.  I am currently quite professionally dissatisfied.  I know what I need to do though, and will do it.  I don’t need to pay money to see my psychologist like she suggested.  In fact, like a guy, she is too quick with advice most of the time, so I probably won’t tell her what’s going on for me.  Doesn’t effect dating much, but would effect a partnership.  We couldn’t have a partnership anyway without some direct work with a therapist, so I will probably just date her for awhile.  I do need to get my doctorate done as a first priority, so when I can see her, great.  That’s really it for me.  I’m no different than where I came to on Memorial Day

by

Unsteady

We had a rough night on my bday.  I think that I need to remind myself that she truly does drive the bus and tends toward a more rigid view of that when she is stressed or shaken.  That can work or it won’t.  I’m not going to invest all my soul into something that is not reciprocal.

I drove up on Thursday and unfortunately her check-up appointment did not go at all well.  She will have to have surgery.  This will translate into my being unable to support because she admitted that she will push me away if she is truly sick.  I think that I understand that, because if the tables were turned, I would not ask for help from her because of how far away she is.  I think that I would ask one of my friends who is single to move in rent-free so I wouldn’t have to go back to my folks’.  In my heart, I know that she is not really sick, but has torn an area that had become weaker when she had her son.

Friday was good.  Connecting with her friends surrounded by beauty was wonderful.  The rough accommodations for sleep made me feel lucky that we could go back on Saturday.  I know that leaving all the women was both a good and bad thing, but I just wanted to connect to her completely.  Her son had gotten pretty sick.  We took good care of him and he was well enough to ride bikes with us on Sunday.  Monday I drove back down and worked.  Now, I’m sick.  Not super sick, but I do have a sore throat and am tired.  I’m glad that we will know what type of surgery or course of treatment she needs as of today.

Our connection is good.  She said that the weekend taught her that we travel well together and show up in a social situation well together too.  I agree with both of those conclusions.

I also know that there is very little chance that I would ever date another mother again.  It doesn’t appeal to me for a variety of reasons.  I don’t want to juggle someone else’s kids, I don’t want tons of inflexible time compromises, and I would rather start fresh with kids of our own if partnership was possible.  I have fallen completely in love with her son, and I would not want to loose him either.  I don’t want that.  I also don’t want to chase girls anymore.  I want to do half or less of the legwork.  If we don’t work out, I would wait for girls to come to me, and I mean that.  I don’t like it when I extend myself and I don’t get texts back and the like.

Last night she was in overly positive mode, which is disingenuous.  When I am sick, I tend to seek out people who make me laugh so I can have a distraction.  The night when I had already fallen asleep she texted that she wished that I was there to hold her and that she was sorry for the emotional volatility.  I actually don’t feel like she impacts me in that way.  I know her.  There are superficial things that I don’t know about her, but I know how she shows up.  Right now, she will push me away for awhile, and that is what she does when she is dealing with things.  That’s ok, because I never contacted her first all summer, so I can keep busy with life all the while getting my doctorate done.  I also know enough about dating, so if we are meant to continue, life won’t get in the way.