Look back on three-days

I was scared of dodgeball. Wham! HUGE gay guys winging the balls against concrete. Everyone was 10-20 years younger than me. Wow. Why did I sign up? I got better as it went on and in our last loss I nailed a guy and it bounced off him, but one of his teammates caught it. Damn. I was the last one on our side. I didn’t go to the bar afterward, but may next Sunday. It’s difficult because I work on Mondays pretty early and have to leave at 7:20. I am going to practice with my son this weekend.

Monday was nice. I went into her office and chatted with her. She noticed the red highlights and I told her that I had the undercut and just turned around and made her lift my hair to examine the mountains and the horizon. She petted the buzz too, which felt nice. I was standing over her desk for awhile too but one of the people who shares with her was there intially, and after that woman left, we talked more. I was wearing a fitted pink shirt. She kept looking at my breasts. I got a little charge out of that and noted it and was glad that I could meet her eyes well, which I can’t always do because then I kept noticing how much she was checking me out.

I worked all morning and then in the afternoon went back to her office. I said, “Your sweater matches your eyes,” and she looked down and smiled big. Then we talked a little she walked out of her office. We stood at the window at the end of the hallway together. We talked and talked. She had never used the ice tool that I had just tried, and said that she knows it’s safer because you don’t have anything sharp. I told her that I was bruised all up so couldn’t wear booty shorts to dodgeball given the bruising from crashing into the wall over and over and she laughed. We talked about work, and I said, “I was thinking that when I was presenting last week that I remembered that you need to imagine the audience in their underwear and wondered if it works in reverse? Except for you, you wouldn’t use imagination, it’s a memory.” She blushed a ton and I said, “Oh, good! That was the effect that I hoped to get–with you blushing,” and she said, “Well, it’s that the heart rate increases.” She was still red so I kept looking at her. She adjourned the conversation and went back to her office eventually, and my partner at work said at the end of the day, “I saw you two talking for a long time!” I didn’t say, it’s because _____ has seen me in my underwear. (Wonder when I’ll have the same thing with her?) I quickly saw some purple ones–she had to take off a base layer under her hiking pants–the night that became 3:40 in the morning of Halloween and the same night she lifted the back of her shirt and I kissed all around a purple sports bra on her sculpted back. However, after the ballet, I was in a bra and underwear for a couple hours in my bed.

I was walking home from the liquor store last week talking to my partner at work and she said, “Would you ever date _____? She does all that white people shit.” and I stopped walking for a second and said, “She’s cute, but she’s really, really busy, and does real outdoor stuff. I couldn’t keep up with much of the stuff that she does and she’s a real dance teacher and dancer. It was fun climbing with her. I certainly would be open to doing something with her again.” All that is true. Again, her ball, her court, and not asking her out again.

I was at work today and was pretty busy. During my mid-day obligation that I have daily at that site I was walking with one of my colleagues whom I adore and she said that she’d been out on two dates. We traded some stories. She’s my ex-wife’s age (three years younger than me). I asked her if she’d date a 32-year-old and she said, “Hell, yes.” I showed her the climber later (us at the ballet) and she said, “She’s cute!” I told her that in two weeks when I’m on convention that I was going to find her a 6’4″ Swedish skier that she can see weekends in Europe. We’re both newly divorced, don’t ever want to remarry, and agree with the appropriate STD testing protocol that you could love and be intimate with 2-3 partners. We both have side work and make good money and have one kid. She likes men. So, I’m going to find her more men for her circle. Not men from my dodgeball league :). She’s a cool person and we always laugh together. I told her that in addition to an STD talk, I don’t want to have sex with any woman whom I’m not in love with. I also told her that I know that I could be in love with 2-3 different women concurrently.

I slept like shit last night. Sunday night was good and last night was tough. My son is with his Dad tonight. He only has to take one more practice test for the GED and his scores have been so high that he doesn’t have to take the full test in a center and can do it at home as long as he does well on the last one that he has. He’s taking that Friday. I’m taking him and his best friend out to dinner tomorrow night. He turns 17.

I think that things could be getting a little easier in all respects. I’m hoping so.


I think that in 1992 in my Advanced Placement Psychology class I was exposed to the work of Alfred Kinsey, and it made a ton of sense to me. At the time, I had a girlfriend who probably most people knew was my girlfriend, and my parents were disturbed by it and made me leave my bedroom door open suddenly in my sophomore year and bought bunk beds for me–hahahaha, neither were a deterrent. Anyway, I started thinking today about how overly simplistic his research was, and it was the ubiquitous white man research which was common until very recently. Also, it was likely a self-of-therapist activity for him because he was actively bi-sexual and his wife was cool with it, which is super evolved for the 20s and 30s. Again, lucky that he was a white, educated guy and could act on his orientation.

So, it’s a 0-6 point scale and you had to, through interview, talk about your sexual experiences with people so Kinsey and his researchers could determine your sexuality. It’s pretty concrete and reductive. “0” meant that you were heterosexual and “6” meant that you were homosexual. Men would sometimes say in interview that they only received oral sex from other men and that they were decidedly straight. It sounds much like conversations that I had with straight girls in college who said that they were virgins and had provided oral sex all weekend, and every weekend at fraternity parties to 18-20-year-old guys.

Kinsey himself knew that sexual behavior changes over time. I think it’s helpful for me to think about that because at least one of the reasons that my marriage ended was because my ex-wife wants to explore men. I actually think that the sexual thing will have to be shaped, but in terms of my friendships with men, they’ll be a good match for her. She’s really quiet and in her head. Men, who I have been friends with anyway, have shorter conversations with me, unless they want to talk specifically about music, books or an activity. Women, who I’ve known, tend to flow through tons of topics in one sitting. One of my friends was playing pickleball with three girlfriends and the men playing on the court next to them said, “Please stop, you’ve definitely filled your word quota today.”

After I graduated from high school, I spent at least 6-years REALLY wanting to be heterosexual. Much of it was because my brother was killed and I’m a surviving child and wanted to produce offspring and become conventional in the eyes of my mother. My Dad was so easy to come out to when I did so with nearly everyone at the age of 33. He said, “Live your life and be happy.” My Mom never dealt with it nor did she accept it; although, she adored my ex-wife. My Mom tended to worry about me anyway so I’m sure that she got a lot of solace when my ex-wife told her that she was going to take good care of me the afternoon before my Mom died. I used to call my Mom coming off a mountain or two from the highway so she wouldn’t know what I’d just done.

I spent 9-years married to a man. He’s bookish and introverted. He does that thing too wherein he can’t read body language and won’t tie up a conversation in which it can alter into a monologue. Sexually speaking there were some things that I have no interest in at all. Additionally, I just look at male arms and sometimes legs. I think that I’m envious of the amount of lean muscle. It’s not a thing that I want to touch. I feel 5ish.

Kinsey was completing this interview research in the 50s and then in the mid-80s it was detailed and looked at from the lens of ensuring that gay and lesbian people were appropriately sampled in the research. What now with folks who are decidedly bisexual or pansexual? What about people who don’t have any sexual inkling for whatever reason and are asexual? Of course many of these orientations are also related to gender identity and maybe somewhat gender expression. That would have to be included too.

Kinsey’s construct made sense to me when I was 18 and 19 and now that I’m not only reflecting on my life, and also talking to people about sexuality and gender, I wonder what truly applies on a 0-6 scale? My best friend told me a couple of weeks ago, “All women are bisexual.” I don’t think that is true. I think that what you’ve explored physically for people who are not asexual gives you good information, and I like that now I know that will change over time. I asked her if she and her husband ever swung with a couple and she said that freaked him out when he was asked and that he wants to be her everything. No one is complete for anyone. That is bizarre. It applies to sex too, I would imagine. I’m thinking about people, sexuality, gender and where people are with their own 0-6.

Keeping some of it

I love having access to 14-years of my writing. Yay. I read about that orgy that a friend of mine hosted at my house. What a sentence. Wow. I was 34 maybe? She was pretty butch and had weird style. I can’t remember what state she was from–no one is from here–although I remember that she was a software engineer. She was smart, but not attractive. She wore an Indiana Jones Panama hat to my party that altered into an orgy because she also brought a bull whip. Her breasts were gorgeous though. Like a magazine. I’m a whole package person though and don’t like chunky, beefy, fat or out of shape for a hook-up or gf. I wouldn’t want an orgy at my house anymore. Also, I don’t think that I’m poly to the degree wherein if I was sleeping with one woman, I would be able to easily watch her kiss other women or men at a party. I think that when I was in college, cast parties would begin with body shots and then become group sex. I left with my college gf before that stage of the morning, but I’m almost positive that is what that crew engaged in. I actually think it’s about management. Hahahaha. Seriously, I tend to have trouble talking in a group unless I’m facilitating group counseling. I like depth in conversation and need to tease more information out and it’s less deep when you’re navigating group contributions to conversation. I HATE group lunches, baby or bridal showers, etc. Group sex would be that way too. Difficult to include everyone. Ha. Honestly, it’s like a connection and focus thing for me. Not that I don’t think that would be a good thing for other people though.

I slept in my bed with the software engineer after the orgy. I know that we cuddled a bit. I wore pjs and she was nude. I made it clear that I didn’t want any sex. I had kissed her breasts during the orgy and she referenced it and I said, “You have perfect breasts, and I still don’t want to have sex with you.” End of story. I think now that it would be difficult for me to sleep with someone actually. Since my son has revved up terrible / dangerous behavior, I am a light sleeper. I used to sleep like a rock. Also, my ex wife was a hideous sleeper–nightmares, waking nightmares, insomnia, bouts of manic episodes with needing to cut or dye her hair for hours in the middle of night or early morning–so I’m sure that has effected my sleep rhythms also. I don’t know what time I’d have to go to bed to be able to sleep a 6-hour stretch next to a woman and worry that I’d wake up at 5 or 6 anyway. I’ve simply worked too many years now. I wake up in the morning.

So, I want to keep dating. I don’t want to do wild group things that involve intimacy. I don’t want a relationship that is exclusive.

The sex thing. If you’re disconnected from someone who you used to be in love with, it takes a toll. She would offer to top. Randomly too. Like use the bathroom in our bedroom right before I was turning in because I work (She stopped working.) and then leave for the spare room making her exit with a quick offer. I was always like, “WTF?” I like to talk and connect and then have sex. That has even gone for me when I’ve done lesbian one night stands. Do you know what those are? You bring someone home from the bar, or you have a girl that you met on the Internet come to your house and share a bed and you have some sex. Sometimes several hours. So, you do that again once or twice. I talked first with those girls. At least a little. My previous partner who is incidentally dying or waiting for a transplant would sometimes come over while I was cooking, open a bottle of Chardonnay (Scratch that off the list for anything that I would keep. Fucking gross. Who the fuck actually drinks white wine by choice?), give me a kiss and then say, “Want some dessert and then we can eat dinner?” That was cute, and we still talked. With sex, I’ll need some kind of interaction connection to be frisky.

I love lists:

  1. Nothing that I find voyeuristic or is group oriented for intimacy
  2. Fit women who take care of their bodies
  3. Work on my sleep hygiene
  4. Date lots of women
  5. Connect and then have sex
  6. Never stoop to drinking any white wine


I should probably be scared.  But, I’m not.  I have not been paralyzed with fear in nearly two-years.  I got through that phase of my life and am grateful to be here as a result of all the learning that I’ve done.

We talked on the phone for an hour last night, and then I didn’t want to lift weights.  She made me feel relaxed, loved, listened to, and appreciated.  I’m loving this relationship.  She had spent the night down here with us the night before, and I loved seeing her leave for work and knowing that she was mine.

I’m going to take her to dinner and a musical at one of the high schools where a boy who I work with attends next Saturday. When you’re queer, at times, you just move into an ltr, and that is definitely what I did.  I did that with my ex who I refer to as Bette, but otherwise, I have adopted organic development and flow.

Never thought that the timing would align and I would get my chance with her.  The circumstances don’t even particularly feel like a chance.  She is really smart, so when we talked after I got my Dear John email nearly three-weeks ago, she asked for my email address and sent me some information about planetary shifts that were occurring over that particular weekend.  I was hurt about the method of breakup from the woman who I had dated, so I confided what I wanted to say to her.  Then she said, “you’re a major catch and you deserve someone who treats you as such.”

Those were all the words of encouragement that I ever needed.  I was going to pursue her given those phrases being my green light.  Little did I know that in that particular email, when she scheduled a time with her Mom and boyfriend for us to cook and be together on a Saturday, she “knew that we’d be together by then.”  I like that.  I like that until I went there on the 8th of September–I didn’t know her Mom at that point because she and her ex-girlfriend had been housesitting for her and her Mom’s boyfriend–I had not let my more pointed crush begin.  I wanted to tell her that day that I wanted to be with her, but neither of us dealt with it that day.  It took six more weeks.  I’m so lucky that I didn’t let desire take me over when she was in a relationship.  Now, we will all be there at the house with her family, and we are as we should be.

  1. She’s confident
  2. She’s beautiful
  3. She is pure light
  4. Her mouth, body, and eyes are incredibly beautiful
  5. Her skin deserves its own category of reverence
  6. She’s bright
  7. She’s funny
  8. We have an amazing intimate connection
  9. She wants a real ltr
  10. She is not scared of conflict

Well, I’m sold.  There is no way that my 40th birthday will pass and I’ll not ask her to be my partner.  I would like to do that in July at some point.  I want it to have a reason behind the date…

Getting here

We actually wound up talking every night following her leaving on Monday morning.  I haven’t done that before.  Ever.  With my ex, she would have truncated conversations with me while she drove home and most of the time shoot me a goodnight text, but if her day was particularly bad, she would say mean stuff to me or make accusations.  In other words, it was fine to NOT have  a goodnight call.

My girlfriend and I don’t run out of things to talk about, and we were like that when we were friends.  I reminded her that we have always been like that.   She would call to make some plans to see me, and we’d wind up talking for 45-minutes; although, she only had 15, and she would help me with things, and of course, as it is now, we’d laugh and laugh.

I’m leaning toward feeling like this path was the right timing, because we both learned some things that were non-negotiable from our last relationships.  We both want connection and passion.  We both want to be treated very well and cared for by the other.  The thing is that now that we both have it, we are given to long amounts of pause.  She wonders if she deserves it, and I wonder if I’ll do something stupid and she will just break up with me.  That’s what had happened with my ex, and that is what happened with the woman who I just dated.  I want us to talk.  I want to make compromises.

From what I can tell, the women with whom she has lived with have just kind of faded.  I think that this a common dynamic for the woman who is the nurturer.  I’m sure that it can happen in straight relationships too.  The thing is that I have this incredible amount of passion for her, I would not fade away from that, because I want to make love to her all of the time.  I get how that will shift a little when we live together, but I have wanted a deep connection like this one for so long.  I have also wanted to fall deeply in love.  I’m here now.

She told me that she hasn’t really slept next to her girlfriends

We had an incredible night the night before last.  She’s been having some stomach aches that are deep.  There was a woman in a few of my grad classes when I first started this doctoral program who also had a NIA license, and she explained how when your middle chokra is off, you have been too affected by change.  My girlfriend told me that when I’m next to her, and holding her, that her stomach actually feels good.  It has been hurting for months, and she has had to change her diet.  When my son and I were leaving her house on Thursday, she said, “Now, my stomach is hurting again and when we were laying down together it was fine, so I guess that means that I am not supposed to stop cuddling you.”  I always wanted to cuddle her.  When my friend told me that she would be moving home, I looked at her FB and thought that she was so incredibly sexy, and then when I met her a few months later, my attraction to her was obvious.  Now, I need to know who she is and what she desires.

I’m learning about her.  She allows me to nurture and support her and doesn’t start tripping.  That makes me so damn happy, because I have had other girlfriends in the past that didn’t want me to do anything, and would freak the hell out when I did things that are normal for me–cook, put their jacket on, open a door, help them up, write out little cards, etc.  I’ve talked with her about it, and she sees it as willing to truly believe in your heart that you are worthy and deserve good treatment.  I don’t struggle with that as much anymore.  That is why I have not stayed with my last two full-on girlfriends, and the woman who I had just dated.  If you wanna go back and forth, get on a see saw.  If you’re not sure about me, I’ll just help you out and you can watch my little ass adjourn forever.

I understand that she wants to build something with a woman with whom she has a strong emotional, spiritual, and sexual connection, but I am hungry for understanding what she dreams about, and how she sees herself in two years.  Because I really just want to say, “Get a job down here.  Move in.  Let’s make a baby next fall,” and that is super frightening, I tend toward, “Let’s take this whole year and learn how to understand and communicate.  Let’s take a peek into what we both want next fall.”  Plus, she has a wonderful life where she is, so we need an understanding of how we should compromise as a couple.

Last night when we talked on the phone, we were talking about our night together.  We ate salmon, basmati, and asparagus.  Then I put the lentils that I had made for her with onions, garlic, celery, and carrots in a pyrex with a lid with a note on them.  I really don’t want her stomach to hurt anymore, so I have been cooking healing foods.  We talked a ton over dinner, cleaned up just a little, and then adjourned to the bedroom.  We made love for about 3-hours.  Then we slept, and did so pretty damn well.  She told me that she didn’t know if she’d be comfortable with me all night, and that she had never prior–although she has had partners with whom she has cohabited–slept well next to her girl.  ❤


And, she came to a party with me.  No, let’s be honest, she had little warning, bought a costume and then talked with total strangers and met two of my best friends.  No woman has ever done that for me.

Now I did do some stuff like this for my ex who controlled me.  She had a day long party with the morning being for her son and the evening being a Christmas party.  That day was brutal because I drove 40-miles to her son’s 2nd bday party, drove 35-miles to my parent’s house to drop my son back off, and then drove 35-miles back to her house.  Brutal.  Not only was she mad that night when I wanted to have sex with her, but we had an awkward breakfast because she and her cousin had thrown away my favorite hat that my son had lain in the mud room.

My girlfriend, totally last minute, came to the house of two of my dear friends.  They love my son, and are so good with him.  Their little boy is a complete doll.  My girlfriend talked with them.  We talked with a couple of teachers–one of whom I did some school-based consultation for last spring–we laughed.  Then when we were sitting with each other, laughing, I said that I wanted to put my hands in her little skimpy forrest girl outfit.  She had leather on her waistline too.  Smoking hot.  We stayed at the party until it completely cleared out.  My son went home in her car.  It was his first front seat ride.  🙂

We did the nighttime routine.  It was agony to change into pj’s in my bedroom with her.  I caught a glance of her beautiful breasts and her perfect, perfect porcelain skin.  Then I read to my son, tucked him in and returned to her.  More laughter.  More depth in conversation.  Two rounds of incredible sex.  Then I was drifting off, so she cuddled me, said that she was taking her leave, and I will see her tonight <3.

Just like the rest of it

I figured that we would listen to music, read, maybe talk about some stuff, etc.  I pulled her into my house and started kissing her and she moved to the couch.  Then, I said, “We don’t have to do it on the couch like teenagers, I have a big bed and we can do that.”  Then when we adjourned, we talked and laughed.

And LAUGHED.  I can’t believe how much we laugh and how similar our sense of humor is.  Did you know that this dynamic will create goodness for us and our relationship?  Check out #12.

#12 may be good, but it’s also weird

God, I can’t believe how satisfying it was too.  We got to it after about half an-hour of talking and kissing.  Then it was obvious that we were sooooo compatible sexually.  At one point, she gasped and said, “My Gaaaawd.  This is the first time too.  Seriously?!?”  Then, it was back to more cuddling and eventually some more sex.  Finally after 2, she realized that I had to sleep because I had class, but I didn’t want her to leave.  I said, “We should do it as many more times as we are able.  I love it when the sun is coming up.”  She indicated that she has always wanted to do that, and I thought about it, and it’s only happened for me about three times total.

When I think about our lovemaking, I realize that is just our dynamic.  We don’t stop too well.  She almost didn’t leave at all.  I can’t wait until Sunday.  I haven’t been with an actual lesbian in YEARS.  We laugh, we connect, we are hopeful.  I’m really in love.


I stream it all the time.  However, I do think that making love to her tonight will be like opening a lot of doors, windows, and perhaps breaking through walls.  She is going to come over very soon.  She is dog sitting though and can’t spend the night.  I have class first thing in the morning, which will be difficult because I didn’t sleep much this week.  Yesterday and today were also a complete wash at work, because all I could do was think about her.

Being able to delay it anymore was not an option anyway, because last night we made out for most of the night and lost where we were.  I could barely muster enough gumption to finally leave, and got home super late and as a result got very little sleep.  I know that you just can’t keep that up waiting for sex when you are kissing like we were and have that much chemistry.  Then there is this whole backdrop to our relationship wherein I had the love at first sight nearly a year-and-a-half ago, and she felt my energy even before I had fully entered the house then.  She remembered the month, what I had in my hands, and then the way that she felt.  I told her that a woman as beautiful as her who had a brand-new girlfriend was irritating to me.  The irritation grew as I realized how easily we talked and how compatible we were over the course of the next year.

Now, we have talked about what we both want, and that is building something with each other.  I’m not even scared, because she is so different than any woman who I have been with, and seems to be seeking laughter, being open, having a spiritual connection to the world and to want someone who is affirmative and attracted to who she is.  She is smoking hot and completely sexy.  We laughed so hard last night that the deepest muscles in our stomachs ached.  We talked about everything under the sun.  God and how journeys unfold was a topic that came up organically as we made a meal in her little kitchen.  From the minute we embraced in her living area and I could feel her against me, I felt more passion than I can remember.  I whispered in her ear, “The women who you have been with are completely crazy.  I would never have a moment when I didn’t want to have sex with you.”   She laughed and started kissing me.

I’m a little bit scared about the sexual intimacy.  I have to admit that.  I know that I’m good in bed, but it’s been forever–nearly 11-months–and these stakes are so high.  It shall also yield NEVER going back.  It also will solidify that we are falling in love.  We will have changed and I will crave her even more than I already do.

Go, set, ready

I told her that I am into her.  I told her that when I was really used to these miserable dog walks with my ex, that her contrast of asking me to swing with her on a playground melted me.  It did.  She is sweet and light.  That just comes naturally from her.  I had a strong crush on her for two-months last spring, and now we can just date.  It’s just that the period for us started many months later.

She’s funny and sarcastic.  She understands the shit that I have been through with my last girlfriends and women who I have dated.  Much of this is because my friend has talked about me to her, and the rest is because she always had a girlfriend when we would talk or get together, and being lesbians, we would share stuff about our current relationships.  Something that she has told me more than once is that she wants to select a girl who wants to have sex with her.  That has historically not been a problem for me.  In fact, it often works in the other direction when I first start having sex with a girl, because it follows a pattern:

  1. I can’t sleep too well
  2. I wake up early
  3. I have a date or two with a girl
  4. I wonder when we will have a night together
  5. When we do, and because it has been so long since I have had sex, I wake up super early and…

Do you actually tell a girl that?!?  How would that work?  “Hey, listen, all of my girlfriends have given me a start time in the morning when I’m allowed to make sexual advances.  It has ranged from 7 – 10 am.”  I’m not going to tell her any of this tonight, but I do want her to know it.

OK, Will Robinson

Damn.  I don’t think that I’m cut out for ten-months of celibacy.  I also think that the last woman who I dated is actually straight.  There is a guy who is a life friend of hers who she recently hooked up with who told her that she “needs a girl.”  I think that I was a point or rather a follow-through for her so she could tell a man whose opinion she respects highly, and thinks the world of.  I believe now that she wouldn’t have approached me at all had this lifetime friend who she had just been with not told her that she needs to be with a woman.

Anyway, I was talking with the woman who my son and I are having dinner with on Thursday tonight.  She offered a chat instead of an email, and I called her right away.  It’s crazy to me that six-weeks ago she and I were at a crossroads.  She was going to try to make an effort with the girl who she thought that she should now date exclusively since she and her girlfriend were completely done, and I was excited to have a possibility.  That was six weeks ago.  Now, we are both completely single and very clear.

That’s not a good place for me to begin.  I have all of this pent up attraction for her, and I also have a libido from hell right now.  I want to have sex.  I still run the risk of being a pig.

I asked her, “Can I say something completely arrogant?”  After I had apologized for it, I said, “How can you be feeling my arms and my shoulders and running your hands all over them, and then feel me up, but stop?  How can that happen?  I have some features that aren’t that great, but how can you be doing that to me and then that’s the end of it?  I really think that she is straight.  Seriously.  She should just go back to men.”  She laughed and it was that breathy kind when you know someone is blushing.

She talked about one of her exes who I know some stuff about.  She said that she called her “abusive” all of the time.  This woman is so sweet and kind.  She could never be abusive.  Then she said, “Something that you should know about me is that I’m abusive.”  I told her, “Well, I’m not too worried, because you’re taller, but I’m bigger and I can probably overpower you.”  She said, “I don’t know, I’ve gotten really into my morning practice [and then she names some martial arts strengthening practice].”  We laughed.  I said, “I think that I’d like that.  You could try to abuse me, but I’d really get something out of that.”

Well, I am not known for subtlety.  I also told her that it has been way too long since I have had sex.  I asked her if a six-week wait is long enough and she laughed and said, “Of course that is!”  So, six weeks from October 22, is right at my year mark.  If things feel good on Thursday, then I want to take her to a movie and make her dinner next weekend.  I would love that actually.  I don’t know if what I promised this morning with a slow, organic pace is something that we will be able to do easily.  I think that we both have some attraction, so we probably will just start dating.

It’s maybe not dangerous.  It’s just flowing, and the current is stronger.  Finally both of us are single and maybe we can see.  It will make our friend who lived in HI for sometime and has now moved to CA very happy.  I have always wondered about her, and felt a real wow the very first time that I saw her.  It’s never gone away, and I wonder if we can get together finally.


I realized that I honestly have had more of it on the whole when I have been single.  I count “single” as not living with someone.  That has been 6-years.  When I was married, I only really had steady sex for about 3-years, and then I would have to beg him and he had all kinds of issues about it, so it was really infrequent.  After I gave birth to my son, we didn’t have sex but about twice in a year, and it was bad sex.  I HATE bad sex.

I have this friend, and of course, I must note that it is not me, and I really have this friend.  She has ended every relationship except for the one that she currently ended with an affair.  I find it interesting, because I have never cheated on anyone who I have been with or I have I ever been even slightly tempted.  I told her, unsolicited via text, that my best learning and getting solid years have been my two with celibacy.  That was 2008 and has been this year (2013), but this year is hard to really count because twice I have shared a bed with an incredibly beautiful woman.

However, when we do make love it will be altering.  I doubt that it will feel like sex.  It will be a long time in coming though, because as best as I can tell, she ensures that during the week she keeps her parenting as solid as she can.  I respect that, because her little ones need that foundation, and because her teenager has only this year and next for high school.  We need to get our rhythm for our relationship anyway before that occurs.

My son got up to throw up at 3:30, so this is one night that I’m glad that I didn’t have sex, because I couldn’t have gotten up to have coffee.  That’s what I’ll do.  I will eat a little bit and then drink this pot.  Afterward, I want to get all of my clean laundry folded.  That would be difficult had I had sex all night.

In my last two relationships, I think that was the only way that I felt connected to the girls who I was with.  It was funny, because I used to be super extroverted and wanted to talk to new people and get them to tell me their story.  Now, I have heard so many sad stories, that I want those to come from one person, who I want to be my partner.  People just talk to me.  They tell me everything.   And that is how Shane, the Drunk was.  She would talk and talk and talk, and my being the very focused and good listener who I am, I would listen to her for literally hours.  I guess that finally when we were winding down, I expected sex.  Not a good pattern.  She and I had the most consistent sex of any lover who I have had to date, but we stopped kissing much.

I could kiss my current girlfriend over and over.  I would NEVER stop kissing her and I love the way that her mouth fits over mine.  I would like to see their mother, because I think that is a gene from her.  The girls don’t have their Dad’s mouth.  I like my girlfriend’s older sister a lot actually, and she has my girlfriend’s same mouth.  She is not even slightly pretty if you compare her to my girlfriend, but they have the same mouth.  She is cute and stuff, but my girlfriend is like head-turning beautiful.  It’s fun to be out and about with her because of that, actually 🙂

With my ex, we would kiss hello or goodbye and it was nice, but in bed, because she has such a show in bed, she would rarely start with kissing except when we had sex in the morning.  Mostly she did those power play and controlling things that translate into “Do me right now.”  Then the show ensued, which I’ll admit did get into my head for months, I would have sex with her, and it was consuming.  But, only in a physical way, as she completely grosses me out now, and I wonder how her ploys get people to think that she is the sexiest ever.  She really just has nice eyes.  She is way too over-developed and imbalanced in terms of her cultivated build and proportion of her body.  I got addicted to the show though, and because she was so critical of me, it was the one thing that she couldn’t criticize.  That was the only way that we connected.  So, after awhile, it was completely unsatisfying for me, and was what she just expected from me when she was ready.

I don’t know how I can be saying this, but I am saying it.  I don’t want to have sex with my girlfriend just yet.  We are not ready until we really have our dating rhythm.  I don’t want that to be the way that we connect.  I like cooking with her and cuddling with her on the couch when she is working and I am resting or reading.  I like to connect with her that way.  I also like taking walks with her and sitting outside.  I want to see if we can shop for a gas fireplace this weekend.  If I can get one that we pick out together for my back patio, that would be a good connector without sex.  Time with our sons is like that too.

I love sex.  It’s an incredibly important part of a relationship, but because I don’t want it to be the sole connector, I think that it should be more mindful.  It also shouldn’t be the sole method of connection between partners.

Last time that I went slow

I had a gf in hs and another one in college.  Both of these girls were barely bi, which worked for me at the time because 1) I love women, and 2) I had not worked through any of my internalized homophobia.  I remember once after we had become sexually intimate that my gf from college said, “Did you ever consider that you are a lesbian?  If something happens twice and does feel this right for you, I think that you should consider it.”  That scared the shit out of me at the time.  I was probably 20.  I wouldn’t deal completely with it for 13-more years.

Women who are only slightly attracted to women are probably still around me, but I don’t think that I look butch enough for them.  My previous partner who I was with for two-years is soft butch.  She is also a raging alcoholic too, but for the purpose of this post I should mention that she had an entourage of girls who were barely bi, and one of whom she kept around until she moved to the East Coast.  Barely bi women stopped appealing to me as soon as I came out.  I don’t want to date someone who–for whatever reason she has–gets all tripped out touching a girl or doesn’t want to try different things with a girl.  I’m sure that if I looked more gay at first glance that girls who were curious would approach me, but they don’t, and I’m glad.  Reciprocal sex that I have had over the last 6-years is what I like.

I didn’t have full, reciprocal sex with my college gf, but because we knew each other sexually, I could reach fulfillment with little contact from her, and we just got used to that being our dynamic.  At first, it was just so great to be with a woman again, so I think that I should tell that story, because a lot of it is very sweet.

She wasn’t my roommate at first.  But, our roommates were from the same town.  We went to a commuter campus for the most part, so the dormitory would become empty on weekends and often except for a handful of girls who were socially awkward, we’d be the only two left on our floor on Friday night through late Sunday afternoon.  She had a terrible frat boy bf for about two-months that fall.  He would make her cry a lot.  I gave her solace.

Honestly, she is one of those girls who is naturally sweet and cute.  Now, she is 5’9 & 1/2, and has huge blue eyes, and that fair, freckled skin that I love, but she is mostly a total sweetheart who has no idea how beautiful she is.  In that vein, the Halloween of our freshman year she said, “Let’s go buy pumpkins, because we should carve jack o’ lanterns!”  We did, and when we lit them, she moved against me and put her head on my right shoulder while we sat in the dark.  I hoped that she couldn’t hear or feel my heart beating.  I’m sure that it was also racing visually through my neck.  She said, “This is nice,” and I said, “Yes, it is.”  She said, “I really like your voice.”  I wanted to sink through the bed.

We moved in together the following January.  We would lay on each other all of the time.  I never kissed her, but she always wanted to sleep in my little twin bed, so she did.  We got through that spring.  I stayed away–I went to college out-of-state–that summer and moved into my own mother-in-law apartment that I could afford and tended bar all summer.  She stopped living at the dorm the following fall; although, she had a new roommate and spent every night with me.  One night after we had practice for a musical that we were in, I took off her shirt, and as I traced her stomach and between her breasts, then she turned on her side and started kissing me.  We were together off and on and between her bfs for about 2.5-years.

Slow and Easy

Who doesn’t want that?  I laid next to her on a futon last night while we watched an inane movie and I almost fell asleep.  I never felt like that with my ex, and by the time my partner of two-years and I would lay down to do something like that, I just wanted to finally be physical because I had 2-4 drinks in me.  This relationship has that good feel to it, but I will tell you that I have thoughts a lot when I’m listening to her breathe or sigh.

Now, I must be honest.  She was making jokes about an actresses’ breasts, and I wondered why she never feels me up?  That is usually something that happens pretty quickly with girls who I date, and they are usually shocked that my bras are not padded.  I have a flat stomach, which is certainly damaged by old scars, and no ass, but I do have a moderate rack, which women who I have been with have been really complimentary on while we cuddled or had sex.  Hmm…

I don’t put the moves on her, because I don’t feel like I have been given that cue at all.  I love hugging her though and do that all the time.  We kissed a lot last night, but did not make out.  She made a really tender and well-seasoned meatloaf and we had sandwiches, I assembled a salad and she quickly cut up cantaloupe, so the result was wonderful.  I’m glad that she can cook.

List of gratitude:

  1. Our frequent laughter
  2. The contrast of her her skin against mine
  3. The way that she smells
  4. How easy it is to be next to her after I’ve been there a little bit and have adjusted to her beauty
  5. Her hugs
  6. When she touches my face or lifts my chin and kisses me
  7. Her intelligence and the way that she makes literary or other movie analogies while we chat

I hope to see her soon.  I am going to text her tonight after I’m done with my supervision.  The only time that I have had something develop like this, I was 19-years-old.  I should tell that story from start to finish the next time I log in.  I will.  It started 20-years ago.

Chemistry vs Compatibility

One time I saw a girl in a bar and we locked eyes and a killer, but unmistakable I-don’t-care-that-all-I-am-is-trouble smile spread across her face.  Having told my buddy that night who is now my roommate that my intention was to have a one-night stand, I was very glad to have had that greeting when she walked in.  That is chemistry.  I’m actually very adept at talking to a girl and knowing if we will have excellent sex.  I guess that when I don’t feel it, I don’t try, but I know when it will be sparks and fireworks.

You can’t really confuse sexual chemistry with long-term qualities though.  If you don’t have similar values and interests, you can actually wind up only really connecting in the bedroom.  I was talking to a friend on the phone today and told her that how you show up in the world also has much bearing on how long you can comfortably date another person.  I guess that as I begin my new round of screening with girls, I need to remember who I am.

Would be nice

I’m at a bad point with my celibacy.  I guess that at this stage of my life, I don’t do well at the 6-month mark.  Scrubs was supposed to call me this morning, and I guess that she’s not.  But it’s not like she is in a place to aid my celibacy, because she is still in love with her ex; although, she thinks that she can hang out with her with the understanding that she can do so carefully and try to avoid getting hurt.  That is a tall order.  But, speaking of length, that would not be a situation that I would want to touch with a ten-foot pole.

I dreamt about Bette last night.  It was blended with one of my best friends, because the setting was a dog rescue that was going to be partially a source for a documentary.  (One of my best friends is an animal activist and therapy dog trainer.)  We were working together with two of the dogs.  Awhile later, she kissed me and it felt really good, and while we kept kissing, I took off her clothes.  I can remember the way that everything felt.  It is actually funny the level of detail that I can remember about being with her, and I don’t have a charge anymore while I sit here and type, but it was very nice in the dream.  That portion of the dream ended when owners of the dogs who were there to show parts of the rescue had come to get their animals.  We had to quickly get dressed, but were both flushed, so it was easy to tell what had been going on.

Last night after most of a Day B–I didn’t finish because my partner had gotten there way before me and I want to have all of my energy for tomorrow–we made some dinner.  We stayed up very late last night laughing and talking.  It was so much fun.

I cannot believe that we ate an entire quiche lorraine last night

I cannot believe that we ate an entire quiche lorraine last night

I told her that when Scrubs was ready, that I would just fine with being her rebound sex, because I just would really like some sex.  I told her that I could say, “I know that we are not meant to be in a relationship together, but if you need some distance between your ex, I’m fine with giving you some intimate attention.”  I kept writing about and thinking that she just doesn’t seem consistent.  She resurfaces every once and awhile and this is really the only time that she has said that she was going to call and didn’t.  She knows that 5 is my typical start time too.  It could be that she got called in earlier or something, but I tend to think that she just forgot.  I’m sure that when you are trying to navigate things with your ex, you get kinda inconsistent.  I know that I did.  But, there is something else about her that I don’t understand, but gives me pause.  We shall see as we hang out.

I really don’t want to do anything with the Designer and her Partner.  That has layers of stuff that I would rather avoid.  I do wonder what their friends are like though.  Honestly, if it’s not an interesting time, with all the happenings this weekend, I will probably leave and go downtown and kick around.  I just need to get out and do things.  It’s not that I need to take some girl home, it’s that I would like to have some options of getting to know you stuff at some point.  Perhaps it is not meant to be very soon, and I’m honestly fine with that.

When I met Shane, we had that chemical attraction and then had the most stimulating conversation about digital diploma mills and technology’s effect on relationships.  It was an incredible conversation, and I still can’t believe that it happened in a bar.  I had one mission that night, which incidentally was four-years ago in five days, and that was that I wanted to have sex, so I took her to the train station and then we made out.  I said, “Do you really have to go home, ” and she said, “No, I can do something else,” and I said, “Like come to my house?”

But past does not necessarily have to be prelude.  Let’s say that I sleep with a woman on Sunday…  I think that I have dated enough to sleep with a different kind of girl than my last two super controlling gfs.  That is not the order of operations that I wanted to follow per se, because I do know what sleeping with girls who I don’t know has yielded.  But, if I apply the same logic to my being single, I do have to realize that there are probably some women who are single who have been so for some time out and about, and with this weekend being Pride weekend, they may be out in droves.

Begging to be told

I have some little things floating around in my brain… I want to tell it and talk about what these random thoughts are percolating in my head that is probably mostly a consequence of only working part-time and adjusting to that schedule SUPER FAST. I went to pick up the girl who I wound up caravanning with on Sunday night and her niece was in the kitchen. This girl is more upperclass than what I’m used to and I think also comes from money, so although she was in scrubs, she said, “Would you like a beer?” I told her that would be something that I’d never decline. Her niece who had been watching me said, “You sound like my mother.”

I said, “Ew… That’s definitely a Top Ten List something that I don’t want to hear,” and I looked at her again, and said, “There is probably no way that I could be your mother.” Then she said, shudder, “My mother is sixty.” I took it wrong though. Without skipping a beat, I said that was perfectly charming. We laughed and started up a conversation with my date who opened the beer and handed it to me. Rich girls do have very good manners. I think that there must be a difference between those who come from money and those who have made money. Bette doesn’t have anywhere near that level of finesse. The present girl then said that she was heading upstairs to change.

Her niece kept watching me. When she did we talked easily. She asked how old I was, and when I told her that I was 38, she said, “You look good!” A little color rose to her face, and I figured she was about the age of a graduating senior, so I said, “Oh, remember, I’m 60,” and then I winked at her. She flushed more and continued to talk. She then asked if I was single, and I said, “Very. I haven’t even been with anyone in 6-months. It feels good to be on woman detox.” Then she said, “I should ask ____, about that because I’m pretty curious.” I said, “I think that it’s kids in your age group. They don’t really see sexuality as an issue at all, and then girls, in general are always socialized well; therefore, being allowed to touch each other and holds hands and such. It seems like a natural extension. But…” I had to glance at her a little more while she was casually drawing and sitting down across the counter in the kitchen from me, “I do think that you are straight.” Then she said, “But, I’m very turned on by women,” and again more color rushed to her face.

Ha. That is some good stuff. Here is a child 15-16 years my junior who is all torqued up talking about women with me. I had this rebound thing last summer with Peter Pan when I was 37, and I found that her 31 was waaaaay too young. I highly doubt that any 23-year-old would hold an appeal for me, but it was fun, and it was interesting. I think that I need to grab a drink tonight. I have a damn job interview at 9:30 tomorrow morning, so I will have to take the boy to my folks’ house so I can do that. (I’m still not sure what I’ll be doing for supervision next school year.) I’m going to go out a bit and maybe even bar hop. I need to let these musings in my mind and body have a little life in them. 😉

Str8 Entourage

I have been accused of collecting cute str8 girls…  And maybe like most stereotypes, there is at least a modicum of truth in the statement.  I stop at agreeing with my intern who said that I replaced my cycling partner with a prettier model; therefore, it was true replacement.  I’m thinking that most of it was just bad timing that she left her job mid-year and that I really like the woman who I wound up serving on a team with during the year.  The latter–with whom I do hang out a lot with–is smokin’ hot.  Oh well.  I like pretty girls.

I had my intern, her best friend from the southeast, and my workout partner over for dinner the night before my crazy, obstacle five-mile.  And what happens, that often does, is that girls get curious.  Not too curious, but at least the beginning of that normal, fluid, continuum sexuality stuff.  It was NOT subtle Friday night…  My intern’s best friend said, “______, do you wear the strap-on?”  Nice.

Today on the phone my new–and I guess, upgraded model–cycling partner asked what is lesbian sex?  She said, “You know with str8 couples if you don’t do penetration, it is not.”  I said, “I do rather love that when my str8 gfs say, ‘I have had sex with 5 guys,’ but they fail to mention to you that they have given ninety blow-jobs.  Str8 girls love to define what constitutes sex.  If you have had 95 cocks in your mouth, you are experienced.”  She laughed, but did not disagree.

I like my girls though…  They have gr8 show-up factors, we have great convos, and even if sometimes they tend to forget that I’m a Mom or that I’m gay, things like my acerbic wit, or disarming follow-ups tend to allow for them keeping up with me.  I just think that it’s funny when they ask sex questions.  Tonight, I’m probably going to take lonely girl to a BBQ at my friends’ house.  They have a wonderful house, and they wanted my son and I to come over for dinner–one of the Moms had given birth to their son almost 5-years ago.  I shall be around “family” folk, but am in a whimsical mood, so may post more of my musings soon.


I had a wonderful day yesterday, so now I’m reflecting on it.  Now, I’m looking forward to my hump day, which would have started out with a 30-mile bike ride, but it seems really cloudy and like it could continue to rain.  I don’t like slipping around inclines on trails on my very light road bike.  I don’t think that it actually rained much at my house, but there are huge gray clouds, so my new cycling partner and I are going to do an afternoon ride tomorrow.   I did my Day A yesterday, and it combined with humidity and heavy clouds promoted the best sleep that I’ve had in weeks.  However, I had a really somewhat unsettling dream.

I was in my black cocktail dress that is fitted at the waist, and I am not sure why I was because I had a slew of adolescents in a day treatment program with whom I was working.  Lonely girl was there and working with them as well, because she was giving information on psychopharmacology.  It should be noted that I would never be in a slinky black dress if I was working with adolescents or if I was at work, but I was.  She was talking to me, and then when I was talking to a group of boys, I turned around and she started touching my back, and then started tending to a blemish that I apparently had on my low back.  This dress is not backless, but it was in the dream.

Later after the clients were in her huge backyard in a group, she and I were drawing on a white board and talking about ethnicity, and I told her what everyone who just meets me and is somewhat gauche says, and that’s “What are you?”  I get a range.  I think that I look Italian, but I get Greek, Asian, and sometimes get asked if I’m Latina, which is more confusing since I do speak some Spanish.  She laughed.  We talked more and I sat on her back porch.  She sat down and put her legs around the back of my right arm and moved herself against me.  Then she pulled me to her with her legs, and wound up having her lower body completely pressed against my upper arm and her knees were against my stomach and back.  I could feel her heat.  At that point, I was really turned on and she asked if I liked her.  I said, “Well, I certainly find you attractive, but we have a house full of kids.  I’ll have to come back tonight.”

Wow.  I think that all the manifest content of that is that I really do miss sex in general.  It’s been a couple weeks shy of six-months.  I told my workout partner last night that I know that I let my ex say abusive shit to me for as long as I did because she met companionship needs and that I knew that when I stopped seeing her (completely) that I would have a dry spell.

This particular round of celibacy is somewhat self-inflicted because it’s rare for me to be attracted to someone.  I was not attracted to Peter Pan, but thought that she was sweet and earnest and it was really flattering to have someone so into you when your ex was doing more push and pull, and you hadn’t had sex with her in three months.  That was last summer though.  I am not attracted to lonely girl.  And she only texts very rarely.  She has a nice smile, gorgeous dimples, and I like her hands, but she really is not someone who you’d want to date.  I’m done with rich girls too.  I think that I also dreamt about her because one of my best friends just broke up with her bf who slept with his best friend a couple weeks ago.  He had been in love with his best friend his whole life.  She said, “It would be like if you and I got drunk and hooked up.”  I said quickly, “That would actually be a mistake because it would affect our 12-year friendship.”

Sex does affect a friendship.  With Shane and with Bette (my actual exes), I was not friends with either of them first.  So, I’m cool with both of them, but don’t seek them out or makes plans to see them.  This particular girl who I dreamt about and I are pseudo friends.  It’s not a friendship though.  It was odd that I lain in bed for sometime this morning before I got out because I was given pause.  I was aroused when I woke up.  In the dream it was easy for her to pull my arm against her with her knees.  I think that it’s good that if she does get into touch to hang out, I will have my son and she will have her daughter.  That will put a halt on any moves she might have.  Maybe it’s a cautionary thing.  She has a terrible reputation with the 40ish outdoorsy set who I met last September.  It’s all regarding that she is not one that you’d want to get into a relationship with, but I think if both parties are open, that is their business in terms of who they sleep with, but I’m not into open.  I don’t have time for it either.  I also don’t want to have sex with someone who had a relationship with one of my ex’s best friends.  No thanks.

I wonder what I will have capacity to do on Saturday night.  Probably not much.  The race is only five-miles, but it’s got a lot of climbing and lifting combined with water.  My son is doing the quarter-mile, so it will be really nice to see him on a weekend that is not mine.  I’m proud of him for trying.  I imagine that when I get home, I will not be into doing anything but taking a hot bath and using ice and Tiger’s Balm.  My intern and her best friend are going to eat dinner with me, so I am pre-cooking on Friday night.  These are those times when it’s really nice to have an uncomplicated pinch hitter.  Like an ex who you’d never want to be with, but are cool with.  If I’m being completely honest with myself, if Shane were still ten-minutes away, I could see myself saying, “Hey, can we hook up for a couple of hours this weekend?  Is there a window wherein you will not be having a drop?”  That would probably piss her off, but she and I had the most consistent sex of anyone who I’ve slept with, and I would never want to be with her.  It’s rare to have something so uncomplicated.  Gotta eat, clean and write.

And some are just trouble

We were deep in the mountains the weekend before I turned 38, but then her son got sick and we had to come home.  She wanted me to stay and do a long day hike along a ridge, but when you are spending 5-days with the girl you’re dating, you want to do just that.  Because she is such a driven person, she wound up bundling up the baby the next day and we took a 25-mile bike ride.  The weekend wasn’t bad.  She was moody about her possible diagnosis which–as I knew it would be–turned out to be nothing but muscle tears.  However, there was there was more to the outcome of this weekend in general.

We drove back home and she said, “Who did you think was attractive?”  I found the question odd and then she said, “C’mon, who would you do if you were single?”  I told her, and she made a slight about her physical state.  Very her.  Then she told me who she found attractive.  My ex is shameless flirt; although, she would deny and call herself “clueless” when it came to stuff like that, so I knew that she had at least had intense conversations with her.  I mostly let it go, but did say that she would start pursuing her.

Then, the following Saturday when she had plans with us, she slowly cancelled on me via phone, and wound up “hiking”–my ex HATES to hike–with her and her daughter the following day (Sunday).  Then she sent me some of the meanest texts and basically called me a big baby for being sad about not getting to see her and not being a priority.  That was the nail in the coffin for me for us to be “dating.”  My ex is like a lot of people and always keeps one in the queue.  This girl was no exception until her friends told her how she is in relationship, and she also learned some things when she was with one of my ex’s old friends too.

Well, this girl didn’t overtly ask me out, but she did ask if I was going out on Friday.  I would choose pain of death before I would go to this venue wherein any manner of the ghosts of gf’s past could be dancing, and then she texted, “I need to meet people.  How does one do that?”  I told her that if she wanted to, I’d bring her to one of my friend’s parties when I could, and she said that she’d be honored.  She is just lonely.  I was there last summer.  I slept with Peter Pan.

We can hang out with friends, and be friends, but that’s it.  She is super cute and has great dimples, but she is her own worse enemy when it comes to relationship, and I have already seen her with her friends, and it seems, that many of them don’t talk to her anymore.  So, that’s enough data for me.  I honestly don’t have anything in common with a woman who is fine with losing friends.  It seems that she is not solid enough right now to make lasting friendships if newer friends no longer talk to her.

  1. Sexy
  2. Smart
  3. Integrity
  4. Vulnerable
  5. Funny
  6. Humble
  7. Open
  8. Stable

My BFF said, “Become who you want.”  I don’t think that I struggle much with any of these attributes.  I think too, that I really do know who I am.  Shane had this tattoo, “Know thyself,” except it was in Latin.  And she did, but she was not willing to share things that scared her with me.  She was open, but not too much so, because then she could not have justified her alcohol use.  I don’t think that justification has place in relationship…  I was short with you because you don’t read my mind about my grief.  Where is the emotion in that?  There isn’t any, but anger, and that’s just masked hurt.  Hurt is an emotion that few will talk about, because it makes you vulnerable.

Stable is another important factor too.  I’m not a warm body.  I’m someone who is worth it.

Dinking around

The biker doesn’t have a gf, but I don’t think that I should fly far away just to hang out with her and have sex.  Although I could really use some sex, and believe me, I could, I don’t think that something just for the sake of doing it is a good idea.  We all have patterns.  I don’t want to go back to mine.

My last relationship was different, and I think that it is simply because I’m at a different level with respect to what I know that I do honestly want.  Just hooking up when some girl is available, or having a here and there long distance fling is not ultimately what I’m seeking.  I was different and in the end I was more heartbroken afterward because I thought that my ex and I would work through our constant fights–actually saying her jumping my shit all the time and me being in shock is more accurate–and then we’d raise our sons together.  That was a fantasy though, because she goes off on everyone, and I have left my childhood behind.  I don’t need a woman to alternately complain and yell at me.

In that song “Detours” by Sheryl Crowe she seeks someone who is awake, and while I do that, I’m not destroyed as a result of my last breakup.  She also wishes to love with a “paper thin heart.”  While the slow, year long death tore me up, and I cried a whole bunch last fall, I am not altered in terms of my ability for passionate and intimate love.  With the turn of this calendar, I have not shed a single tear and we will be midway through this year before long.  I have definitely changed though.  I didn’t know her.  I had written to church girl and I told her that I don’t want to get caught up in the land of dopamine and the elixir of passion before I truly know who a woman is.  My ex and I got sexually involved after just under two weeks, and honestly I knew that she pushes away when she thinks that someone is being casual to her.  I ignored it.  Now, I’d be less likely to ignore something weird like that, but I want to have open exchanges about how a girl fights.

Describe for me, your temper?  Is a a slow, burning kind of thing and then you finally release?  Do you fly off the handle a lot and are you easily irritated?

Have you fought with a good friend?  How did you work through it?

I used to be really hotheaded.  I’m just not like that anymore and it’s rare for me to raise my voice.  I never raised my voice at Shane–not once.  Although I must admit that she and I had that free and easy dynamic wherein we sat quietly.  In fact, she would have a soliloquy for sometimes up to two-hours because I was the only one that she talked to, and I was like a captive audience.  She didn’t ask me any questions, and I was finally glad for her to simply shut up.  I wound up really missing my friends too when I was with her for two-weeks, because we have an even talking and speaking exchange.  Some of my friends do irritate me, and if talking about it doesn’t resolve, I just take space from them.

I need to admit that I have not ever resolved conflict well with a lover.  I need to work on fighting well in my next relationship.  I know what good communication is when you fight, and when Shane was completely sober, which was rare, we could talk through things.  However, the resolution never involved her compromising with me.  It was her decision.  So, in that way I have improved.  I won’t allow a girl to bowl me over and make decisions for me either.

I think that I’m just done dinking around.  I probably won’t go home with anyone at the party in 10-days.  I may not even get any phone numbers.  I think that more than likely, I will just have some fun and laughs.  I don’t want to go back to hooking up, and I don’t want to second guess my instincts with a woman who doesn’t want to compromise either.

Snow Day

Well, it took until April, but I got it!  I always have these lofty plans that I’m going to work lightly and let my intern hold down the fort, but yesterday we had some stuff come up that only I could address.  I got up at my normal, ungodly hour, checked my email and then my job’s website, and went back to bed.  It’s so great when I can fall back asleep.  My son came in and cuddled me about an hour-and-a-half later.

So, today I’m very happy, because my son is contentedly playing Legos and I’m typing with coffee.  I’m going to make ham and cheese omelets with green onion (And I will have to omit cheese from his, because he doesn’t care for cheese much) and then work some.  But, NOT my day job.  That is closed today as are many city entities.  I won’t even check my email.  It’s not bad in my city though…  I think that most of this storm is where my ex lives.  I’m NOT complaining.  🙂  It is nice to be home, and know that I don’t have anywhere to see clients this evening either.

Our family 5K is this weekend.  We will have to get some sleep on Saturday night because we have to get up really early.  I hope that we don’t have to run into the wind.  I found out on Sunday that I don’t like doing that at all.  Rain is forecasted, so we will need our raincoats and some dry clothes.  I think that there is live music and such afterward.  I’m going to time myself, and then see how much time I can shave off of it six-days later when I run mine solo.  I would like to learn to do 5Ks in 30-minutes and 10Ks in about an hour and fifteen.  That’s my goal.

I’m in that loathing of dry spell mode.  That means that I could go home with a random girl next Saturday.  I hope that I don’t.  My preference is fun social stuff in the daylight with plenty of girls.  That is the good thing about my second 5K, because I will meet a bunch of girls during and after it when we go out for my colleague’s birthday.  I should promise myself to get phone numbers only.  These girls are way younger than me and party a lot.  I outgrew that phase about four-years ago.

I have these strange fantasies wherein I meet a girl at the Art Museum or a book talk.  I’m looking for someone who doesn’t give me shit when I make literary references or when I make jokes that are more metaphorical.  Shane used to tell me how weird I was all the time, and while that’s true, I didn’t like the way that she always had to say it.  My last ex used to give me shit about my use of polysyllabic words, and it was obvious that she was at least slightly bothered that I had made time to continue my education.  I would like to meet a girl who is comfortable where she is, and doesn’t mind that I like music, books, and art.  Peter Pan loved books and music, but she lied about where she was so she could sleep with me.

There have got to be authentic women.  I’m one.  I want to run into one.


Fun, yet odd

We went out last night–it was a couple of my colleagues and a couple who I know who is traveling all next year and a friend who used to work with one of my friends when she lived in another state.  Like many people, she has just moved here.  The bartender was happy to see me, which struck me as odd.  I had not been to that bar in five-months and she obviously remembered me.  She has an awesome haircut, huge blue eyes, and a really incredible body.  Even my colleagues were saying how hot she was.  I flirted with her just a little bit, but in a respectful way too.

Afterward we were sitting in some straight back chairs that really could be in someone’s living room right by an open window (Yay, springtime!), I noticed a fairly butch woman sitting at the bar chatting quite a bit with the hot bartender.  I was shocked.  I told my colleague her name and said that we had a falling out about four-and-a-half years ago.  Then I was like, “This is really stupid.  Especially given that there are 58 lesbians in ______ .”  So, I got up and said, “Hey, aren’t you _____ _____ ?”  And she said, “______ !”  She embraced me a long time.  Her partner is 6-months pregnant and they bought a house in that district.  I was really impressed with that.  It’s a trendy area.

She texted me a few times too.  I need to text her back today.  I’ll be just south of there today conducting some testing in executive functioning with a client for a private boss who I have.

The other girls got there about 20-minutes later and we were laughing so hard and being obnoxious and bizarre.  We have tons of inside jokes and always create more.  The one couple is one that I hung out with all last fall through now.  I wish that they were not moving, but it’s an adventure for them.  We had a great time.

Later, they were giving me a lot of shit about not getting the bartender’s number.  Finally, I said, “You guys, she is at work.  She is swamped with drunk frat boys.  And I just saw a woman who started an orgy in my house in 2008 with a bullwhip.  I’m just not into non-organic development anymore, or just sex with no attachments where I live.”

At the time, 2008, I was super attracted to this one girl who was a childhood friend of a girl who I went to middle school with, so I engaged in some of the debauchery, but that was the year that I had remained celibate.  It was a really weird party, and an odd time for me in general.  I had only been out just under a year, and was really dealing with that I was always gay, so I did whatever occasionally.  That party was probably the oddest thing that ever happened when I was in attendance.  It was just some weird stuff and making out that went on.  We were all wasted.

This girl, who was now sitting at the bar, wound up naked sleeping in my bed.  I had to tell her that cuddling was fine, but nothing would ever happen between us.  I’m picky about who I sleep with.  The exception was Peter Pan last summer.  I just needed to have sex with someone other than my ex, and she really presented as a solid person until her lies unraveled after I hung out with her for two months.

I know where I am with respect to relationships.  I would have some flingish stuff, but it would have to occur out of state.  I would prefer to build foundations with some nice girls.  And I am gun-shy too, so it’s unlikely that I will be having intimacy with anyone around here for awhile.  I’m fine with all that too.  Time to get ready, buy cleats, watch my son, work this afternoon with a client, and then do my Day C.  At least a best buddy is making me dinner tonight.  I have a great life.

Runs together

I think that I’m actually still sick.  Last night I took my son and his best friend to a musical presentation and story hour for kids, and it was actually overrun by toddlers and preschoolers.  They were good for over half and hour and then the running, jumping, yelling, and crying while they were trying to listen to the stories and songs got to them, so they wanted to look at books.  Such sweet 7 and 8 year-old boys–they wanted to sit by each other on the couch and read books.  They are so innocent, and sit right by each other and hug and talk close.  I swear when the inevitable happens and some stupid kid calls him, “fag,” in 5th or 6th grade, because he loves his best friend, I will have trouble not coming unhinged.  My little guy is sensitive and sweet, and I would prefer him to stay that way and not become sexist and homophobic.  I loved watching them watch the musician last night; although, I realized that I was still very sick.

When I came home, my head was pounding and I felt like complete shit.  This thing hangs on even through 1700 mg / day of antibiotics.  That is one scary infection.

Coffee seems good.  I’m not coughing when I drink it.  I’m only supposed to drink two cups instead of 3 – 5, and that pisses me off.  I went and had my annual on Monday and the Nurse Prac gave me some shit.  I felt like saying, “I parent.  I work constantly.  I’m writing a book.  I haven’t gotten laid since 12/15.  I’m going to drink as much coffee before 10 am as I’d like.  Thanks.”  I just said, “Well, I’m doing 60-hours a week right now and don’t have any that effects my night sleep.  I also like to drink beer and won’t cut that out either.”  I think that it would be one thing if I had health problems and was hefty–neither of those things are true.  For my age, I look smaller than nearly every woman who I see with the exception of runners.  I’m muscular though, and people under-guess my weight by 20 – 30 pounds.  I just don’t want to be sick with a head and chest thing any longer.  I’m all set.

I keep thinking how the ocean air and sun would knock that out.  I can’t afford to fly though, and I’m not positive that I have a place to stay in reality.  My best friend from grad school (Well, my first round of grad school.) called me and was shocked that we had the same break.  Her “I don’t want a relationship, and I have made myself fall out of love with you because we are open, guy,” is in town all weekend.  He’s introducing her to his kids.  They have slept together for a year.  It will be interesting to hear about how that stuff goes.

I feel badly, but I wonder if I could handle one of my best friend’s from middle school live-with bf either.  He seems like a misogynistic pig from his posts.  Like a southern-guy GUY.  I can’t stay with my ex because I don’t want to be in party central and her parents live with her.  I also don’t want to have sex with her ever again.

I guess that I’d have to stay with the biker ;).  Sometimes she has a gf, so I’d have to see…  My ex has two motorcycles, but when I say “biker” in this case, I mean beach biker and urban cyclist.  She actually looks a lot like my ex, but is way thinner and lankier–that’s what I like too.  Gigantic muscles, mostly blond, and huge light eyes.  The difference is that this one has great legs.  That is a good fantasy while I wake up.  We have amazing chemistry too.  I’ll text one of her best friends who lives here next week.  I should actually feel that sitch out a little.  That’s a safe hook-up if she is single, and I know that since everyone tells me everything, I can get her best friend to tell me if she is currently single.  I sure as hell am single.  Good Lord, I have not been this single in almost three years.  Sex seems good.  I run the risk of turning into a pig.


There is this piece of erotica that I really like…  The book is based on something real–it’s about sleeping with virgins.  Not full-on virgins for the most part, but female virgins.  (The Gemini musician who was smoking hot, but bat shit insane, used to say, “When I lost my girl virginity.”  Hell, lady, I did that at 15!)  Anyway, in one of the very good stories in it, this woman who works for a firm in which she has to talk to folks in other states, starts flirting with one of the women who she must talk to weekly.  At one point she says, “So, are you family?” and the poor str8 girl says, “Like whose?”  Good shit.  Anyway, the protagonist tells the story of celibacy wherein she works out constantly and gets really buff.  Good ol’ sexual frustration!

I’ve been one productive lil’ girl as of late.  Got TONS of stuff done today and also, sadly, had to fill my script for high-powered (octane) antibiotics.  Sadness.  Draining and coughing up scary things for far too long.  So, I will just write, and write, and test, and counsel.  I know that I need to do someone, but seriously, I melt women’s brains.  Gone are the days of casual sex for me.  I may go to Vegas and do the “No numbers, no last names bit.”  That would be the ONLY option.  There are 54 lesbians in ______, and they all talk.  I wouldn’t want to have two break-ups in three months 😉  (Can’t do that anyway, because I haven’t had sex since mid-December.)

Guess that I’ll motor through my dissertation shell this week.  Thursday my boy and I are going out of town.  He is going to learn to snowboard.  He is a good dancer, so he ought to be pretty good.  We shall see.  I’m excited to get to give him things like this.  My parents just wanted my brother and I to stay out of the house.  Conversely, I love being a parent.

Wonder if “the girl next door” wants to carry a baby ever…  My friend who I don’t have 100% trust in said that per my descriptions, her relationship can’t last.  You can’t be someone’s secret from her family.  However, she warned me not to fall into the role of rebound.  I wouldn’t want that.  I’ve done that before too.  My coming out affair was trying to get away from her volleyball mate who was in love with her when she slept with me and stole my heart.  I wouldn’t want to be a homewrecker either.  Getting shit done and Vegas sounds good at present.