I realized that I honestly have had more of it on the whole when I have been single. I count “single” as not living with someone. That has been 6-years. When I was married, I only really had steady sex for about 3-years, and then I would have to beg him and he had all kinds of issues about it, so it was really infrequent. After I gave birth to my son, we didn’t have sex but about twice in a year, and it was bad sex. I HATE bad sex.
I have this friend, and of course, I must note that it is not me, and I really have this friend. She has ended every relationship except for the one that she currently ended with an affair. I find it interesting, because I have never cheated on anyone who I have been with or I have I ever been even slightly tempted. I told her, unsolicited via text, that my best learning and getting solid years have been my two with celibacy. That was 2008 and has been this year (2013), but this year is hard to really count because twice I have shared a bed with an incredibly beautiful woman.
However, when we do make love it will be altering. I doubt that it will feel like sex. It will be a long time in coming though, because as best as I can tell, she ensures that during the week she keeps her parenting as solid as she can. I respect that, because her little ones need that foundation, and because her teenager has only this year and next for high school. We need to get our rhythm for our relationship anyway before that occurs.
My son got up to throw up at 3:30, so this is one night that I’m glad that I didn’t have sex, because I couldn’t have gotten up to have coffee. That’s what I’ll do. I will eat a little bit and then drink this pot. Afterward, I want to get all of my clean laundry folded. That would be difficult had I had sex all night.
In my last two relationships, I think that was the only way that I felt connected to the girls who I was with. It was funny, because I used to be super extroverted and wanted to talk to new people and get them to tell me their story. Now, I have heard so many sad stories, that I want those to come from one person, who I want to be my partner. People just talk to me. They tell me everything. And that is how Shane, the Drunk was. She would talk and talk and talk, and my being the very focused and good listener who I am, I would listen to her for literally hours. I guess that finally when we were winding down, I expected sex. Not a good pattern. She and I had the most consistent sex of any lover who I have had to date, but we stopped kissing much.
I could kiss my current girlfriend over and over. I would NEVER stop kissing her and I love the way that her mouth fits over mine. I would like to see their mother, because I think that is a gene from her. The girls don’t have their Dad’s mouth. I like my girlfriend’s older sister a lot actually, and she has my girlfriend’s same mouth. She is not even slightly pretty if you compare her to my girlfriend, but they have the same mouth. She is cute and stuff, but my girlfriend is like head-turning beautiful. It’s fun to be out and about with her because of that, actually 🙂
With my ex, we would kiss hello or goodbye and it was nice, but in bed, because she has such a show in bed, she would rarely start with kissing except when we had sex in the morning. Mostly she did those power play and controlling things that translate into “Do me right now.” Then the show ensued, which I’ll admit did get into my head for months, I would have sex with her, and it was consuming. But, only in a physical way, as she completely grosses me out now, and I wonder how her ploys get people to think that she is the sexiest ever. She really just has nice eyes. She is way too over-developed and imbalanced in terms of her cultivated build and proportion of her body. I got addicted to the show though, and because she was so critical of me, it was the one thing that she couldn’t criticize. That was the only way that we connected. So, after awhile, it was completely unsatisfying for me, and was what she just expected from me when she was ready.
I don’t know how I can be saying this, but I am saying it. I don’t want to have sex with my girlfriend just yet. We are not ready until we really have our dating rhythm. I don’t want that to be the way that we connect. I like cooking with her and cuddling with her on the couch when she is working and I am resting or reading. I like to connect with her that way. I also like taking walks with her and sitting outside. I want to see if we can shop for a gas fireplace this weekend. If I can get one that we pick out together for my back patio, that would be a good connector without sex. Time with our sons is like that too.
I love sex. It’s an incredibly important part of a relationship, but because I don’t want it to be the sole connector, I think that it should be more mindful. It also shouldn’t be the sole method of connection between partners.