Monthly Archives: June 2026

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Honesty

I’ve had five dates since I broke up with Scorpio.

I have been DMing with about six other women.

I don’t have any business investing my heart in women.

At this time, I wrestle over and over with the fact that when Scorpio is mad she yells. It may begin as crying, which becomes a raised voice and later always gives way into yelling.

I can’t understand how she was able to go dark for an entire day. Having sex with three different people in 24-hours also seems like a mood cycle.

I probably shouldn’t say the latter, but after a lot of reflection, it’s very difficult for me to turn off the part of my mind which is trained.

In terms of healthy conflict, I had said that we needed to walk away from people in a park when we were out of town together and she was yelling. That time she was yelling because I said that I would go back on Saturday from the camping birthday party that she wanted me to attend with her and she said, “No.” Originally when I committed to that activity, she and I would’ve had the first night with just us together in separate accommodations. Then we’d have had two other nights in an open floor plan cabin with two other women. We wound up having a woman whom neither of us knew in our cabin that Thursday night, and then two different women from her friend group on Friday and Saturday nights.

During that conflict she told me that she would never go to an overnight party for one of my friends and that she was glad that she knew that was my boundary.

She continued to yell.

We talked about that conflict four different times and got to the bottom of it and she said that my not staying the whole time meant that I wasn’t a teammate. I understood that. I went. I did the best that I could around 60 people who I don’t know and I made three quiches for the contribution that she and I made for our brunch team. (Due to her dietary restrictions I learned how to make one that was gluten and dairy free.)

Teammate.

Does a teammate go dark for a whole day?

Does a teammate not acknowledge two texts that you send (one at 7:30 pm and another at 9:10 pm)?

Does a teammate drop a threesome bomb via text in the middle of the night?

I think that’s a coach who tells you how you’ll play everything.

Last week one of the video dates that I had was awful–I wrote about it–and the one that I had yesterday was good.

I have to admit that an adventure partner or an out-of-state travel partner feels less appealing to me given that I broke up with my girlfriend and don’t have an anchor partner. I’m left not understanding how she could unload on me when I had hurt feelings about her behavior and choices.

I can pose those three questions again and substitute the word “anchor partner” with “teammate.”

I know the answers regardless of the role of the person in each question. No.

It doesn’t change how incredibly heartbroken I am in this situation.

Scorpio and I had so many things that were aligned. We had a brilliant emotional and physical connection. There were superficial things that turned out to be fascinating in our commonality as well. We had both empty sibling and home and root houses in our charts. I have the same facial expressions that one of her partners had whom she was deeply in love with and would break up with and get back together. She looks like my murdered former sister-in-law and is an artist and witchy like she was too. We have women (different archetypes) tattooed on our left sides. We laughed so hard for hours. We could cuddle for hours too as our bodies ceased to begin and end (She said once, “Our bodies just fit. They fit perfectly.”). Scorpio and I had it going on. There is nothing that I can do to impact her volatility, deflecting responsibility, belittling, and sabotaging.

I’m committing to five sessions with a psychologist (The first appointment is today.) to reconcile my conflicting feelings and deal with heartbreak.

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Honeymoon

It’s interesting to reflect now that I’m just over the two week mark. I think that Scorpio mostly held it together for four-months illustrates that she was really trying with me.

Our travels together are the best memories that I have with dating or those when I travelled married. With previous partners there would be fatigue, complaining outside, one often got drunk, another had to rush back to her son, and then just tension overall with my ex-wife.

Scorpio and I simply travelled wonderfully together. And she was so fun, a good storyteller, and affectionate. I loved her and those things.

I’m ready to give my heart and fully embrace being in love. Scorpio has to do her work. That work is independent of me.

I had a brutal video date yesterday. There couldn’t have been less chemistry between us and she wasn’t able to flow in conversation. I knew her hobbies and how much she loves her cute dog. There was this element that made me think that she was maybe a little defensive and rusty altogether with dating. I also wasn’t attracted to her. The 30-minutes was really difficult.

I was so mad when the call ended. I texted Hockey and then called my Employee Assistance Program. I’ll go to an appointment next week with a new psychologist.

I had a phone date last night with a cool woman. She’s open, vulnerable, and deep. We talked for over an hour-and-a-half on my landline. I’ll text her today so she has my contact information.

I texted Cookies. She is always so verbose, silly and a little bit odd. I’m weird, so it works. Her texts make me laugh. I’ll take her quiche when I get back from vacation.

Today, I have to get ready to host a party.

I’m going to hold out. I want partners with the whole package. Ability to resolve conflict in a healthy way, fun, open and sense of humor are requirements. I don’t want to settle for anything because I’m willing to work in relationship too. With fewer days left than the ones lived, I think that my being in love is a gift to myself.

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Knowledge

The woman who eventually fell in love with me, who I took home from a bar one night in 2009, had the Latin phrase know thyself on one of her thighs tattooed. I’m not sure how that shook out for her. She almost drank herself to death. She has a new liver and doesn’t engage with me at all anymore.

I know myself well.

I have also made so much progress with respect to what I want in my romantic relationships.

I have learned lessons that I apply to my dating and also my love relationships.

I read the Substack “Decolonizing Love.” There was a quiz on it–that I understand fully isn’t normative–that I took to see if I would test in the realm of Solo Poly. I didn’t.

Looking at it, I agree that I am mostly autonomous, and can still show up for partners who need some help from me or like it when I take the wheel to plan dates. Apparently, I’m not solidly autonomous, so I am maybe less solo than I think.

My main problem with monogamy is that I think it’s typically something that makes sense when you’re raising kids and when you are doing something that is status quo. I prefer to reflect on my decisions and choices to determine if they are ones that I am engaging in of my own free will.

There is also no way that a single romantic partner could meet all of my needs.

Scorpio was a great travel partner.

Given her heavy THC usage, she was nowhere near athletic enough to meet my adventuring needs.

I want to hike for miles and get better at climbing.

I need another partner to fill that order.

Frankly, I want partners period and am super single atm.

The last thing included on this test are ideas about sex.

I’ll be 52 at the end of summer and I’ve never had a STI. I’m going to keep it that way if I’m able. Sexual health matters as much as my step count and athletic abilities.

There is a massive difference between polyamory and promiscuity. And the latter involves a gamble for me too.

Related to my expressions of polyamory is that I’m probably demisexual. I need a massive emotional connection and pull to get naked with a woman. Until now, I had not realized how much I prefer being love or being soul-level connected to a woman to have sex with her.

In this moment, I’m trying to ensure that this painful end that I had 12-days ago is one in which I can find lessons in resilience.