Monthly Archives: June 2026

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Basics

I slept having multiple dream cycles. I haven’t slept well since I got back from my solo vacation. Except for some congestion and a minor sore throat, I feel excellent today.

I took a strength training class last night with MI. Her gym is female only. She asked me to give her options for boxing classes, so I’m going to call the boxing gym that I can go to and give her the schedule for the week of July 6th when I see her again on Sunday. Boxing class rips up my hands altogether, which is one of the reasons that I stopped, and it’s embarrassing that my overall lack of coordination with my legs unless I am climbing makes the movements difficult for me. However, she’s my friend and I want to do something fun with her next month.

I’ll go out of town today to meet Hockey’s two sons, bowl with them, and have dinner together.

I sunsetted my Facebook account completely yesterday. I had to go through years of photos, which got me emo. Downloading them took forever, but it felt great to just delete the whole thing. I made that account in 2007 or 2008, I believe. I’m glad that it’s gone.

The oppressive humidity that we had all day yesterday ultimately had a purpose and we got rain. That means that I can finally put my cylinder back in my rain gauge! I think that because we have been in a severe drought for five-months, it will take much for the ground to absorb moisture. Thankfully, when the arborists were here on Tuesday removing nuisance trees from the chain link fences around my huge backyard, they also dropped some mulch on the dirt around my shed. That night, I went to Home Depot to buy organic, non-dyed mulch for the places that were still barren (well-spent $20). This rain’s moisture will stay in the yard for the very few wildflowers that came up this year.

I have a matchmaking date in 6-days which will be sooooo interesting.

I began DMing with a woman who owns a petsitting business which she runs with one of her two adult daughters and even her 11-year-old granddaughter helps out. We moved to text last night.

I may be building some friendships atm. That sounds good. Dating apps are something else generally.

I have Hockey. I have MI. I had Scorpio who is conflicted generally and can’t have healthy conflict.

I wish that HER had a the ability to write in your own status message! Mine would say something to the effect of “Scammer liked you! Enjoy stock photos and DMs that are from a bot or pair of people in an office in Eastern Europe!”

I’m going to give Cookies and another woman deets for my Saturday and Sunday plans for Pride. They’re welcome to join me with a friend who is doing plans with me. I’m going with LA to a concert in the afternoon on Saturday, and with MI on Sunday to the parade which has a brand new route this year. I’ll probably stay out a bit on Sunday. MI can drink if she’d like as I’ll park. She can vape too if she’d like–just not in my car. (Scorpio was already high once and spaced out that she was in my car and absentmindedly took a hit and had to roll down my window as quickly as she could when she realized that she was in my car vaping 😳.) Oh, stoners!

Did I mention that I slept?

I wish that I could always just magically give myself sleep. Before menopause, and even when I was simply perimenopausal, I could just start sleeping. And being well-rested makes all the difference in the world with my mood! When we had a 5-hour layover in Phoenix to get home from HI after our honeymoon, my then wife watched me sleep in chairs at the airport. When I woke up she said, “You slept like that for 2-hours.” How I miss being an awesome sleeper!

Now we have an OG butcher shop that’s a 1.2 mile RT walk from my house. They have actual hoagies. The bread is white with a crust. (Please don’t tell me that Subway has real delicatessen bread. That’s not real.) I have had two of their sandwiches so far. It takes them a long time to make them and they’re worth the wait. I had one yesterday with corned beef and purple pickled cabbage.

Exercise, sleep and nuitrition.

And then the cherry is going back to basics with chopping wood, carrying water, and quieting unnecessary noise.

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🤯

I have known one of my bowling teammates for nine years this fall. She is a professional musician and also chaperones travel for students, so I’ve not bowled with her this season due her summer commitments. She hurt her back this morning, and I asked her if she would still consider coming to league because I hadn’t seen her in two months.

She wound up bowling with a 6-pound ball. And she’s so funny and zany that we all had fun with her.

I told her that I had to tell her something that was pretty awful.

I got to the part wherein I told her that my ex said that she could hold space with me when I was in a bad mood because she trusted me enough to know that if she had anything to do with it that I’d bring it up and that I told her that if there was a chance that I could contract HPV that would definitely impact my mood.

I told her that was when my ex exploded.

She said, “I’m going to stop you for a moment. 1. You’re always have the right to ask any questions that when answered may affect your sexual health. 2. Going dark on anyone is not ok.”

I don’t know why dialing it in so specifically blew my mind. It did.

I said, “And she was my girlfriend. And an anchor partner.”

I can’t remember exactly what she said, but it had to do with you’d never do that with anyone, and the least of which would be anyone that you called a partner.

🤯

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Tech

My schedule is so, so light in June and July. Thus, my solo vacation at the end of spring and then yardwork alongside catching up other things in a house that is too big with too many pets and a mostly disgusting 20-year-old man.

I teach ONE class and it’s a very low lift.

Today, I have exchanged almost an hour’s worth of emails with a student who is applying for a national credential.

The culprit?

Flat versus completely fillable PDFs.

And this particular student is extremely detail oriented. I’m hit or miss with that feature. Sometimes I figure, “Well, this effort will have to be good enough!”

I signed and dated the form and when I sent it back because her field supervisor didn’t have a verified email address it wasn’t an electronic signature on the form. She’d typed her name. Therefore, Adobe erased her information. She had also only checked two boxes instead of the five which are required on the form from the field-based supervisor.

I can type her name with other features and can’t check the boxes because they’re now flat.

The demographic information also disappeared.

I want to hop on a Zoom with the student to determine what’s acceptable for her in her own estimation to turn into the national credentialing board.

I think that there’s this battle during this moment in time with more archaic software platforms and going fully artificially intelligence based. That means that occasionally software that had been used for years–like Adobe Reader–you have snafus that are difficult to correct.

I’m so glad that I’m not at my day job and am giving up my lunch to fight with a PDF!

And I’m secretly hoping that when I am done with the five classes that I have to take and start my own practice that a majority of my clients are the analog people who want to meet in person in the office that I can sublet!

Do you have any funny or frustrating technology stories to share?

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Coffee

It’s happening. And this woman is beyond cautious. She may give me a fake name.

It’s not like I don’t get it on some level.

Personally, I have gotten really adept at spotting romance scammers. I’ve been dating online for a year and have worked with this matchmaking service for six-months.

Now, I understand why the service said that our tapas thing last week (when a tree fell on her car) had a reservation under the concierge’s name.

She likes incognito.

Giving me her cell phone number would be a no fly zone for her, which is why she wanted to move to Google Meet with me. I think that I’m all set with any Google Meet dates regardless. They remind me of working.

The coffee is pretty late–10:00, so I won’t be having any. I try to be done at that time and during the academic year, I like to be done drinking coffee by 9:30. In fact, I am going to bike and then change. Then I’ll order something caffeine free that comes in a ceramic cup.

We find each other by what we’re wearing that day. I have to announce my outfit in the correspondence. I’ll put my purple dress and sandals with heels in my panier and bring a comb. I don’t wear a ton of makeup, so it will be fine.

Writing it out is helpful. I will leave to bike there a bit before 9–it’s not far from my house.

So, I’ll get there about 9:30. I’ll change. I want to have coffee in something not disposable. She’ll get a lot of information about me.

I’m definitely not cautious.

After I got divorced, I realized how much I love people. And I particularly love them 1-1.

Like any typical Virgo, I do have very high standards and they’re only for myself.

Ergo, I bike. I don’t like disposable cups and that seems really odd to have one when you’re consuming something in an established place.

Whatever you want to do is fine with me, because it doesn’t really affect me.

I made some grilled chicken chimichurri last night and cut up a tomato and put salt, garlic powder and some dried basil that I pinched into a fine dust on the slices. Then I arranged butter lettuce leaves on the bottom of my salad bowl, laid tomatoes on them, put sherry vinegar on it and olive oil on the lettuce. I took it over to my best friend’s house. I’d not seen her in ages. It had probably been late fall. She travels to different parts of Asia in January with her husband.

I told her the whole story about Scorpio and then about my coffee date that my date didn’t want. This date is a dinner person. Holding firm about coffee for a blind date is my statement. Let’s get to know each other in a low stakes environment. My best friend loved that dinner didn’t happen because nature intervened.

I’m getting better. Yesterday, I listened to “Downfall” too many times on repeat; however, I’m doing better for the most part.

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West

I was in a pretty rough frame of mind when I took my 6th solo vacation last week.

I’d left two days after an appointment with a new psychologist–incidentally, I saw him again yesterday and he was shocked that I hadn’t contacted Scorpio and I told him that I never would and the only way I’d consider anything in the future with her was if she’d meet with me in mediation–and headed by plane to Missoula. I felt a little bit this way when I went to Maine in 2022, but I was much more heartbroken this time heading to MT and ID.

I was in a Toyota Grand Highlander. I was supposed to have a RAV-4, and this felt like a boat and guzzled gas; however, I had no choice.

I headed to my suite, which I learned later was on Grant’s Creek. That was fortuitous. I talked with the clerk and said that I wanted to go hike to the big M. She’d never done that before as she was from a small town in MT and tends toward loving forest hikes. Her colleague had run it in 10-minutes, so I figured that I’d be able to walk up it in half an hour.

It took me 23-minutes

I also went to Clark Fork which had a pedestrian and bike trail and ate a burrito looking at the water while beginning to relax into my vacation. I walked the trail a little bit too. Missoula is gorgeous.

The Riverfront Trail

I went back to my room and got cleaned up. Then I took my nature journal down to the creek, sketched, drank water and truly settled into the week.

Pathway behind the hotel to the creek
Grant’s Creek

Then I drove to dinner. I had made one reservation this trip. Boxcar Bistro didn’t disappoint. My whole meal was phenomenal.

Blackened prawns
MT raised (35-minutes from the restaurant) NY strip with chimichurri (Yes, it was the best steak that I’ve ever eaten)
Chocolate Torte

I got quite a bit of sleep and woke up later than I’d have liked to drive to the West Rim of Glacier National Park. I learned that you’d need 7-10 days there in reality, but had a wonderful day of 10-miles of hiking on various trails and ate lunch on Lake McDonald.

I wrote out four postcards, got them stamped and sent from the West Rim Post Office and began my drive back to Missoula. I stopped at the liquor store and picked up nachos. I drank two beers in my room and ate the nachos. I was reeling from the beauty. Glacier reminded me of the Grand Canyon. You can’t process the beauty that you’re seeing. I have been to 40 states now and think that MT is one that I’d revisit if I had more days than I do because of the profundity of nature there.

The next day I had to drive to Idaho. The whole drive was a tease because it was beautiful to drive the Salmon River, but I couldn’t stop and had to get to my inn. It took me about five hours to get to the Sawtooth Range. Originally, I was to visit some ghost towns, and didn’t wind up doing that. I was weary from being in the car that long.

Idaho is beyond gorgeous. Rough, rural, rugged and like it was in the Smokies, I could be on trails entirely by myself. Because my inn had a shuttle, I didn’t use my car for three days. I just parked it at the inn and it remained there. I hated that Grand Highlander anyway. It deserved a time out.

I took all the time in. I also learned to river raft. That was a first time experience. We did an 11-mile guided paddle.

The town has Gold Tier International Dark Sky Stargazing designation

In addition to rafting, I hiked and stargazed. The sun doesn’t completely set until after 10 pm in Idaho. And the stars don’t come out until well after 11 pm. It was worth it, and my phone was unable to capture the blanketed dome of stars all around me. The experience was most definitely a bucket list one that I didn’t know that I had.

I begrudgingly got back in my car on Tuesday morning to drive the Salmon River again. I got to Missoula around 2 pm and ate in a cafe. It’s a bit difficult to park in Missoula, so I googled a park near me and walked it a few times and then walked a neighborhood before I returned the car and flew back home. The wind was super scary yet I still enjoyed my walk after eating.

I am so lucky that I am able to take these solo vacations when the academic year winds down annually. I’ll keep doing them until I can’t walk well. In all, I walked 30-miles during the 6-days that I was there. Because I did drive over 750-miles too, I’m glad that I spent as much time as I was able to on foot. I learned to raft too. This trip was one of the best that I have had for my mental health.

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Wind

When I drove from Stanley, ID back to Missoula on Tuesday so that I could fly back home, the wind was scary.

I ate in a cafe, parked at a public park, circled it a couple of times and walked through a neighborhood.

I put all my ample hair up. I was concerned about tree branches cracking off and striking me.

Today when I woke up at 4:30 am because I was upset about having a dinner date the wind was already swirling here. And it was super warm too.

My dinner date had a tree fall on her car.

Our dinner date was cancelled.

🙂

I am sorry about her car, and know that she’s wealthy so insurance will take care of everything.

I will see her for coffee on the second of July.

I’ve dated about 9-years as an adult.

I know what works. A phone call can give you information about chemistry. A walk together can tell you how you vibe.

Watching somebody eat or hearing them chew is not a first date activity.

Having a table between you and looking at each other for an hour or more is odd.

Oh, thank you universe and the mighty wind!

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Rant

I got back from my 6th solo vacation last night and will have a lot of material to write about in forthcoming entries.

For now, I am going to rant.

I was hiking in the West Rim of Glacier National Park last Friday when I got a text message from the matchmaking service regarding a woman who lives between here and TN.

She sounded like a Republican.

There used to be no issue with that; however, now much of the ideology has become synonymous with religion as a tool for hatred and also a nod to times that probably were non-existent. Let’s face it: “Leave it to Beaver” had one real character and that was Eddie Haskell. I digress.

I texted this matchmaker, “Make sure she’s ok with my being Agnostic and also working in Public Service. I am not a Republican.”

I should also provide some context regarding that my package is completed. I had six dates. One via phone which later became a hike and the rest were video dates.

I’m in their “membership pool,” which I think means that I’m kinda like a chess piece for paid members for whom they’re having difficulty matching. I don’t pay for these dates going forward though–I pay for my food or beverages and that’s it. This time period will last through next spring.

I had one phone date with a woman who’s about 50-miles from me and we eventually met for a hike. I’m still in some contact with her. She’s smart and cool. She has her own TED talk.

Otherwise, I had video dates. In my mind, three went really well. One woman likes me a lot and won’t move from OR. I’d be fine with a partner in the Pacific NW, and I think she’s monogamous. So, she and I don’t have similar ideas about relationships.

This service lists my relationship style as “Open.”

Video dates aren’t my favorite.

My webcam is unforgiving. It reminds me of a concave mirror.

And I have NEVER in my nine-years of dating, had a dinner date for a first date.

Why would one do that? Particularly a blind date. You’d have to be very extroverted.

So, I was SUPER clear about that. I’ll write the clarity here:

“I’m currently driving back to Missoula from Idaho. I am free tomorrow. I don’t like doing dinner on a first date. The pressure’s too high.”

“I understand! Safe travels!”

“See if she’s amenable to having coffee or a drink. I don’t drink, but love club soda.”

“You got it! Maybe there is a cool mocktail bar?”

“We have awesome spots. A majority of my GFs have been drinkers. I also like to take walks in public parks. I don’t love my webcam; however, my speaking voice is one of my best assets. I am flexible generally. Just have always thought dinner is an oddly formal first date. Nothing like the stare down across the table for an-hour-and-a-half!”

“Totally get it! Working on setting something up now and will send details shortly. Stand by!”

Then I landed home and had this date information in an email:

“Get ready for your upcoming drinks and appetizers date at [insert the name of a tapas bar!] Enjoy a cocktail or mocktail and small plate or two as you get to know one another. To make it easy to find each other, a reservation has been made under the Concierge name.”

WTF?!?!

So, the text patronization rounds began.

“I’m nervous for a 6 pm dinnertime first date. Not my thing and I will be charming.”

“Hi, Tomboy. Thank you for reaching out! We totally understand that this process takes trust and vulnerability. We are here for you every step of the way. Remember that this could be your last first date. It could also be a great opportunity for you to learn more about yourself and your ideas of partnership. Release your attachment to any outcome and keep an open mind!”

“I don’t have an attachment. I just don’t prefer eating with a stranger. I will turn up the charm.”

“That is the perfect mindset! Bringing your charm will make it a fun experience no matter what. We completely understand that dinner with a stranger can feel a bit intense. Have a wonderful time!”

I couldn’t text back.

What a pile of shit.

I said that I wouldn’t do dinner. He (this woman’s Matchmaker) set up dinner.

“Last first date” is the most revolting thing that I have ever read.

I forwarded that whole message to Hockey and she said that it made her cringe.

I should note that Hockey is a standard monogamous lesbian who has even U-Hauled a couple of times.

What exactly should I be learning about myself with respect to partnership?

And where did I lose sight of my self-awareness?

I have been in therapy off and on since I was 14 when my body was shattered and my brother was killed. I don’t need an awkward AF dinner date to help me “learn more about [my]self.”

And this poor woman! She has no idea that I don’t do dinner with strangers. Her matchmaker set dinner, which I don’t do, and likely she paid $12,000 for her package. I think that her matchmaker set her up. She’s a person. She deserves respect. I will be so nice to her. If she’s MAGA who is anti-science and hasn’t done therapy, I’ll tie it up within an hour and ask her if she’d like a hug or handshake.

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Honesty

I’ve had five dates since I broke up with Scorpio.

I have been DMing with about six other women.

I don’t have any business investing my heart in women.

At this time, I wrestle over and over with the fact that when Scorpio is mad she yells. It may begin as crying, which becomes a raised voice and later always gives way into yelling.

I can’t understand how she was able to go dark for an entire day. Having sex with three different people in 24-hours also seems like a mood cycle.

I probably shouldn’t say the latter, but after a lot of reflection, it’s very difficult for me to turn off the part of my mind which is trained.

In terms of healthy conflict, I had said that we needed to walk away from people in a park when we were out of town together and she was yelling. That time she was yelling because I said that I would go back on Saturday from the camping birthday party that she wanted me to attend with her and she said, “No.” Originally when I committed to that activity, she and I would’ve had the first night with just us together in separate accommodations. Then we’d have had two other nights in an open floor plan cabin with two other women. We wound up having a woman whom neither of us knew in our cabin that Thursday night, and then two different women from her friend group on Friday and Saturday nights.

During that conflict she told me that she would never go to an overnight party for one of my friends and that she was glad that she knew that was my boundary.

She continued to yell.

We talked about that conflict four different times and got to the bottom of it and she said that my not staying the whole time meant that I wasn’t a teammate. I understood that. I went. I did the best that I could around 60 people who I don’t know and I made three quiches for the contribution that she and I made for our brunch team. (Due to her dietary restrictions I learned how to make one that was gluten and dairy free.)

Teammate.

Does a teammate go dark for a whole day?

Does a teammate not acknowledge two texts that you send (one at 7:30 pm and another at 9:10 pm)?

Does a teammate drop a threesome bomb via text in the middle of the night?

I think that’s a coach who tells you how you’ll play everything.

Last week one of the video dates that I had was awful–I wrote about it–and the one that I had yesterday was good.

I have to admit that an adventure partner or an out-of-state travel partner feels less appealing to me given that I broke up with my girlfriend and don’t have an anchor partner. I’m left not understanding how she could unload on me when I had hurt feelings about her behavior and choices.

I can pose those three questions again and substitute the word “anchor partner” with “teammate.”

I know the answers regardless of the role of the person in each question. No.

It doesn’t change how incredibly heartbroken I am in this situation.

Scorpio and I had so many things that were aligned. We had a brilliant emotional and physical connection. There were superficial things that turned out to be fascinating in our commonality as well. We had both empty sibling and home and root houses in our charts. I have the same facial expressions that one of her partners had whom she was deeply in love with and would break up with and get back together. She looks like my murdered former sister-in-law and is an artist and witchy like she was too. We have women (different archetypes) tattooed on our left sides. We laughed so hard for hours. We could cuddle for hours too as our bodies ceased to begin and end (She said once, “Our bodies just fit. They fit perfectly.”). Scorpio and I had it going on. There is nothing that I can do to impact her volatility, deflecting responsibility, belittling, and sabotaging.

I’m committing to five sessions with a psychologist (The first appointment is today.) to reconcile my conflicting feelings and deal with heartbreak.

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Honeymoon

It’s interesting to reflect now that I’m just over the two week mark. I think that Scorpio mostly held it together for four-months illustrates that she was really trying with me.

Our travels together are the best memories that I have with dating or those when I travelled married. With previous partners there would be fatigue, complaining outside, one often got drunk, another had to rush back to her son, and then just tension overall with my ex-wife.

Scorpio and I simply travelled wonderfully together. And she was so fun, a good storyteller, and affectionate. I loved her and those things.

I’m ready to give my heart and fully embrace being in love. Scorpio has to do her work. That work is independent of me.

I had a brutal video date yesterday. There couldn’t have been less chemistry between us and she wasn’t able to flow in conversation. I knew her hobbies and how much she loves her cute dog. There was this element that made me think that she was maybe a little defensive and rusty altogether with dating. I also wasn’t attracted to her. The 30-minutes was really difficult.

I was so mad when the call ended. I texted Hockey and then called my Employee Assistance Program. I’ll go to an appointment next week with a new psychologist.

I had a phone date last night with a cool woman. She’s open, vulnerable, and deep. We talked for over an hour-and-a-half on my landline. I’ll text her today so she has my contact information.

I texted Cookies. She is always so verbose, silly and a little bit odd. I’m weird, so it works. Her texts make me laugh. I’ll take her quiche when I get back from vacation.

Today, I have to get ready to host a party.

I’m going to hold out. I want partners with the whole package. Ability to resolve conflict in a healthy way, fun, open and sense of humor are requirements. I don’t want to settle for anything because I’m willing to work in relationship too. With fewer days left than the ones lived, I think that my being in love is a gift to myself.

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Knowledge

The woman who eventually fell in love with me, who I took home from a bar one night in 2009, had the Latin phrase know thyself on one of her thighs tattooed. I’m not sure how that shook out for her. She almost drank herself to death. She has a new liver and doesn’t engage with me at all anymore.

I know myself well.

I have also made so much progress with respect to what I want in my romantic relationships.

I have learned lessons that I apply to my dating and also my love relationships.

I read the Substack “Decolonizing Love.” There was a quiz on it–that I understand fully isn’t normative–that I took to see if I would test in the realm of Solo Poly. I didn’t.

Looking at it, I agree that I am mostly autonomous, and can still show up for partners who need some help from me or like it when I take the wheel to plan dates. Apparently, I’m not solidly autonomous, so I am maybe less solo than I think.

My main problem with monogamy is that I think it’s typically something that makes sense when you’re raising kids and when you are doing something that is status quo. I prefer to reflect on my decisions and choices to determine if they are ones that I am engaging in of my own free will.

There is also no way that a single romantic partner could meet all of my needs.

Scorpio was a great travel partner.

Given her heavy THC usage, she was nowhere near athletic enough to meet my adventuring needs.

I want to hike for miles and get better at climbing.

I need another partner to fill that order.

Frankly, I want partners period and am super single atm.

The last thing included on this test are ideas about sex.

I’ll be 52 at the end of summer and I’ve never had a STI. I’m going to keep it that way if I’m able. Sexual health matters as much as my step count and athletic abilities.

There is a massive difference between polyamory and promiscuity. And the latter involves a gamble for me too.

Related to my expressions of polyamory is that I’m probably demisexual. I need a massive emotional connection and pull to get naked with a woman. Until now, I had not realized how much I prefer being love or being soul-level connected to a woman to have sex with her.

In this moment, I’m trying to ensure that this painful end that I had 12-days ago is one in which I can find lessons in resilience.