Wildlife and Other Life

Female robin

About two-weeks ago, I saw a robin digging dead grass out from under the area in our backyard which grows terrible grass because of the lack of rainfall that lands given that it’s right under the eaves. A robin’s nest is really, really cool. It looks like it’s spun around. She’s been chilling there this week–I’ll bet that there are eggs, but they’re pretty deep in there because my 6-foot-tall son can’t even see them jumping up.

She’s been eating and standing on it too, so I know that she and her mate who also visits are working on something. Many bird species, given their short life span as a mammal, mate for life. They’ll probably be hatching babies soon and it will be so cool. We don’t have the wrens this year in the red bird house in the other corner of the patio, but we do have sparrows in the opposite side and that house has been here a really long time with no inhabitants, so it’s exciting.

She and her mate are so industrious. They really make you realize the short evolutionary distance that we have between ourselves and birds.

I did the community walk this morning, and learned about the pancreas. I thought it was excretory. Yes, AND responsible for hormones and blood sugar too. Nice, little 2-mile walk and good connections. My dog got tired, and my ex’s dog got weird. They’re both fine now. I had to take a nap because I have a sinus infection. Five pets on the bed with me. I made a quesadilla and will eat it soon. I put seeded a jalapeño in it. Nothing is very hot for me anymore. I want to have eaten recently when we go to dinner.

I even ate ghost pepper tenders on Tuesday and was fine. I’m going to hot Thai tonight. Our neighbors and I are making the trip to the strip mall for 2-3-Hour-Thai. Honestly, you sit FOREVER. The food is incredible though. I’ll time when we hand back the menu to our server and when the food comes and update peeps. My neighbors are like my family now. I am so, so lucky.

Work was so trying this week. I think that I work 2 or 3 days next week, and then I have a few days off. I’m going to Oregon, and I’ve never been there. I’m so excited. I’ll spend almost a week there. I’m open to whatever experiences will unfold there.

I’m supposed to go hiking with my buddy tomorrow. I haven’t heard from him for confirmation, but I think that he has a friend in town. The woman that he’s dating I think is older than me, so I’m bringing my son so he doesn’t get the wrong impression of me. I really like hanging out with men. Monday I have a birthday party for my new friend who is super young and works in IT. I think that she’ll be the ballet dancer. I don’t want to reference age anymore. I don’t have a nickname for the blog for my new guy friend, but if tomorrow happens, I will easily be able to craft one which I’ll use in this blog.

My colleague who almost died has a roommate. That is so, so good! She tends to deny all social needs and her roommate is a former colleague of ours and such good people. She broke up with her serious girlfriend. They even lived together. I am not positive, but I think that they were together at least 3-years. It’s really sad. She is so cool though, and I am so glad that she’s living with my colleague. My colleague won’t be able to drink herself to death either which creates a piece of mind for me.

I met with the realtor on Zoom. I’m still a bit attracted to her. It’s ok. I think that I like the way in which she doesn’t half-ass work. She is such an Ace at what she does! She speaks and writes three languages too and is very bold. Like I wrote in December she wants to be friends, so that is what we are. I’m having her over for dinner on Father’s Day with my son and I. I think that she’s an extrovert, so it will be a very easy time. I’m introverted and can do a little better with an extrovert because I don’t have to work as much and I can always ask really good questions. On the 15th, the climber and I had long periods of silence in the car because we’re both introverted. It wasn’t awkward–it was quiet.

For whatever reason, I’ve had a higher than normal sex drive, which is a little bit annoying. I don’t want to be intimate with anyone who isn’t in love with me. Hopefully, I’ll have a fun summer and make some good connections.

Fill Line


I have weight machines today, but first have to drink coffee and walk my dogs. I also need to pop over to the crunch and go chiropractor because my left hip is really janky and throwing me off.

I am over the social limit. I had fun at guitar, but two teachers were talking to me during instruction, so I’ve had to practice more at home because I didn’t learn the song as well as I usually do. Bowling was fun. I was super mid averaging 115. Then Thursday we had our neighbors over for dinner and wine until 9. Friday I went to my best friend’s house and had to meet two new women. I sang like crazy, and didn’t play much. My best friend is a professional musician, so I get really shy when it’s her and others around. I could play just for her! I did sing a lot and sounded good. Yesterday two previous colleagues and I got together for Korean BBQ and Cass. I don’t even like lagers, but it was so cool and crisp–yum! Then I had a two-hour pit stop at home and my son learned the bass line for “Jumper” and brought his tiny amp that my ex sister-in-law had bought him for Christmas upstairs. It’s really fun to play. I want to sing it a little differently, so I need to memorize it. Then we went to the cowboy bar with two different previous colleagues and my current colleague who almost died and our workmate. The latter two and I do the same job. I really need to learn to dance. I have no confidence anymore. I was wishing that Derrick was there. He would be patient with me, and he smells good, and is tall and gentle. I hit a wall at 11:30 and insisted that my colleague didn’t Uber and took her home. I had two big beers at 2-hour dinner, so I didn’t drink at the cowboy bar. I had a dissociative state and slept until nearly 9. I am over the fill line for being social.

This week is just as social. I have weights today, cardio with my son tomorrow, guitar class, bowling and then bowling with much of our whole staff from my main site. I’m so glad that I have Friday off of work! The weekend is cold, so I’m going to solo hike with the dogs on Friday when my son leaves for school. My goal is to practice guitar everyday and hike on the days that it isn’t snowing starting the 27th. I climb on Saturday the 25th.

I’m going to ask the climber out tomorrow afternoon. I was wanting to go to the Japanese gardens and eat, but the restaurant has permanently closed. COVID has really changed our landscape in the city. I am going to see if she’ll go north and west of town to sushi and then we can walk the neighborhood to some parks. I know that she wants to climb again soon too, and only the middle joint of my pinky is still swollen. I would like to have dinner with her on April 6th.

She introduced me to a term that I didn’t know on our ride home solo last week. It’s a phrase called, “attachment system.” I certainly knew about Ainsworth’s work with the strange situation and parent-child attachment and possible impacts on adolescent development, but thinking about anything related to one’s schema of attachment in relationships later was new to me. I printed the article that I read, and will give her the copy tomorrow. I learned about consensual non-monogamy in it in addition to attachment systems that she explained a bit. I hope that she likes the article and talks to me about her insights. Maybe over dinner in a month or so!

Decisions and my Deliberations

I had written in the fall of 2008 that I had “little to report.”  I’m not really there, but I do think because my chart is air dominant, I’m pretty bored.  I need some mix it up stuff.  Next weekend could start off a little weird.  I’ll get to that in a minute.

This morning, I woke up in that mood wherein I wanted to start my morning with a cuddle and some sex.  So odd that there is not even a dark horse in the running for that.  I told my ex-husband that I’m not going to date anymore.  I’m not either.  It’s going to be hang outs and show ups and no intimacy. I just want to spend time with some women and start seeing who is cool.  Daylight interactions for the most part and night stuff will be at my friends’ houses or with my friends.  The three single ones who I know are not ever going to be love interests.

I have to make a job decision in two weeks.  I can stay where I am, but I won’t have two supervisors who are full-time.  That’s scary.  I think what I will do is I will call the dual-diagnosis campus in our system and see if I can get a f2f with the guy in charge.  If I can, then I’m going to ask if I can do two-hours a week of work there in exchange for some training.  If that’s a go, then I think that I’ll stay.  Otherwise, I’m going to work in another place all together next year.  The screening interview went well, and they already have didactic components.  I’d have to find a way to make some didactics where I currently work because they are only set up once a month for the current intern program.  Decisions.  The other ones are made.

OK, exhibit A.  Church girl is not interested in dating right now, and really she is smart because she has not been employed at all for many months–I have no idea how she pays for her mortgage unless she comes from money–and has some significant health problems.  All of that is really sad, so I know that she just needs good friends.  I am a good friend.  And she makes me laugh, so that is a good friend.

I have such a good name for exhibit B, but I can’t use it, because it has too much detail and may not be anonymous, so I’m just going to call her lonely girl.  Her friends who I met last September no longer talk to her.  She used to be in a serious relationship with my ex’s friend.  Those two do not bode well for being a love interest.  I also don’t trust her 100%.  I think that she tries to paint herself in a favorable light all the time.  That’s against what my friends stand for, and that’s openness and honesty.

Exhibit C is not even!  OMG.  Gross.  We were supposed to have this dinner party that she was hosting next weekend.  She asked if it’s ok that she invited people from work, and I said, “Of course.”  Well, she hasn’t invited anyone.  It’s FRIDAY.  WTF?  I was going to make all the food too.  I chatted her that I was confused because she had asked if she could invite girls from work.  She said, “I don’t keep in touch with many lesbians.”  Made no sense.  How is my friend and I–and she used to date my friend–a dinner party?  I said, “Let’s go to a movie and have pizza or something.”  I like those breweries that have theaters in them.  She said, “If u want.”

Then she asked what hot dates I’ve been on.  I said, “Oh, tons.  I work 60-hours a week, I’m working on my dissertation, searching for an internship, and I single parent.”  I also told her that I’m not dating anymore.  I told her a little about Peter Pan without naming her or referring to her as Peter Pan, and I said that my mistake was not hanging out with her friends.  Then she said, *shudder*, “Are you asking me out?”  I was so taken aback that I said, “Fuck no.”  Are you kidding?  She has balls.  She has done one of my best friends!  She is really big.  She is not cute.  She obviously doesn’t really have friends, because she cannot think of who to invite to a dinner party when I’m cooking for it.  So wrong, like Depeche Mode wrong, on all levels.  So, Friday will be interesting, as I said.  I’m really looking forward to the following Friday, tbh.

All of my positive couple friends will be there and so will church girl.  I don’t know if lonely girl will come.  If she doesn’t, then I’m not ever reaching out to her again, because I called her and got her to put it on her calendar weeks ago.  My friends are amazing.  It’s really a goodbye to them while they leave for a year to do organic farming in HI and also abroad.  Lonely girl was saying that she needs to meet people and I told her that my friends are amazing, and that they would be wonderful contacts for her.  If she doesn’t show, then meeting good, quality people is not for her.  And because her friends who I met no longer talk to her, it’s probably not really that she is actually interested in making good friends.  I have them.  I’m blessed.


Even when I wake up while I’m dreaming, I love my coffee and headlines and then maybe a blog entry in the morning.  I’m so, so looking forward to the migration to working 30 – 45 hours a week instead of 60.  The latter number starts to make you feel only semi-human after a couple of months.

My friend’s bf was sweet.  Her neighbor needed a rescue and came over and then her actor friend and roommate also came over to pick up something that they had left at my friend’s house on Saturday, so it turned into an outdoor dinner party.  The risotto with tomato, garlic, and basil was phenomenal.  I had flash fried zucchini and summer squash and did my tomato trick.  The trick is that you take a tablespoon of basil and pinch it (like to hand grind it) and then put it on sliced tomatoes and add liberal amounts of garlic salt to them.  It’s incredible.  So, we had salad, risotto, and grilled chicken.  I don’t know when Italians started grilling chicken breasts, but my cousin did that last weekend too.  We never really ate boneless breasts of chicken growing up, but we did use meat mallets and a sharp knife to make cutlets that were washed, salted, floured, egged and then given a light coating of bread crumbs.  That sounds good for this week one morning when I cook for the boys at five am.

My ex texted on Saturday.  I didn’t get it until over an hour later, because I was on my morning bike ride with my colleague.  This was the same colleague that I ran the 5K with recently.  It was odd.  It was recommendations for a couple of things to do with my son in her town in June.  No thanks.  I already have to spend two nights in the mountains in June, so I will stick around home and things to do minutes from my house while I finish up this course and my client load.  I wrote, “Thanks.  I hope that you and _______ are well too.”  I have this weird intuitive thing wherein I know that although her son won’t consciously remember me that our bond will have a heart connection.  That makes me feel better.  I guess that although the chess board is shelved that I will get these weird text recommendations from time to time.  It’s highly unlikely that I’ll take her recommendations either.  My friends don’t shell out unsolicited advice.  We have heart connections and don’t need to force friendship.

I don’t want to build a friendship with her.  It doesn’t make any sense to do so either.  She’s an ex and is not family.  I don’t want to drive 80-miles roundtrip to hang out for a couple of hours.  It’s bad enough that my first cousin and her two kids who my son adores live 42-miles away roundtrip.  It was funny, when I was still seeing my ex in August, my cousin drove up to one of the lake happy hours that my ex hosts in the summer time and the first thing she HeyTelled me was, “If you two stay together, you got to get her to move further south to civilization.”  She doesn’t know my ex well.  My ex will not only never leave her town, but she’ll never leave her house.

I’ve crossed over this part wherein I know that I will meet a girl, but don’t know if it will be this summer or two years from now.  You get to a point–I’m at the five-month mark–where you are very good at being single.  I do want to go out and have fun with new women, but can wait a few weeks for that one.  I’m looking forward to my friends’ going away party in two weeks.  I invited lonely girl and church girl too.  Friendships mean the world to me and make realize how lucky I really am.


I had dinner with my new friends last night–I met the first girl through one of my best friends who is currently living in CA.  It was excellent.  I’m so entrenched in making all kinds of Italian and Asian dishes that I forget about simple foods.  She combined mushrooms, seeded tomatoes, and then coarse chopped green beans, carrots, and kale.  Finally, she added beef at the end and made it in a large stock pot.  My father always used to boil and make polenta, but she buys the tubes and fries the discs in olive oil.  It was very good, and luckily, she also had a big favorite of mine and that was sweet potatoes.  I brought a red blend that originates from the area of Italy that my grandmother is from, and, of course, my salad.  Her girlfriend kept complimenting the salad and also polished it off 🙂  YUM

It was another easy night.  Their love story was that they met on Craigslist, but they had seen each other on other dating sites, and were intrigued, the only one my new friend had ever responded to was her, and she said that she had always been seeking a healthy relationship.  She had been in a 5.5-year one in another state, but wanted out of it for a long time.  I told her that because I had that very long str8 marriage, and was with him for a total of 11-years, I won’t settle now and tend to end things after I have given what I know from my experience is every last try.  She told me that is a good thing to do, because relationships shouldn’t really be that hard.

I tend to agree with her.  Life is the thing that is wrought with twists, turns, adversity, and difficult circumstances, but your real partner should just meet that with you and own her emotions.  She should not have to tear you up and rage around you more than she just wants to be held.

We laughed really hard.  We played a progressive card game.  Her mother and bf were in NM, so they were excited that I brought our dog.  My friends were house and dog sitting for my new friend’s mother.  The dogs actually played for nearly 4.5-hours.  Mine is happily sleeping right now after breakfast because she got that, my attention off and on yesterday, many trips out to the backyard, and a long walk in the University district last night.  I actually didn’t want to go last night, but I’m getting so damn old to stay out past midnight.  Some of it is just that my work requires early mornings as does my son, so my internal clock has altered.  However, I didn’t want to leave and just kept noting the ease.

That’s what I’m seeking–ease.  Peter Pan thought that she was easy, but what she really was is selfishly spontaneous.  She doesn’t plan anything, and just lets winds blow her where they will and because she is a pleasant person most of the time, she can just show up and usually get some good convo or sex.  However, although I’m seeking ease, I’m also seeking a grown-up.  I was married to a child and have dated two children as well.  I like fun and someone less serious than I, but I do want an adult with grown-up values.