Tag Archives: Life

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Lifestyle

My dog has some spinal problems so she doesn’t know if she’s pooping. She’ll be 15 in September at the end of summer. She hasn’t been able to take walks really anymore. She was into and completed a super short one–two blocks–yesterday after I bathed her at a Mom and Pop pet shop.

Her back hips are displacing altogether.

Yesterday she slipped in the tub and was laying down in the tub and pooped again.

One of the three cats has renal failure beginning. It’s been really stressful because she doesn’t always finish her special diet food and then one of her brother cat eats it and he gets diarrhea. The other brother had an anal gland abscess and when his Vet removed it, she said that it was the biggest that she’d ever seen. He has to go to the Vet every four months now.

My dog is in a clinical trial, so her life will be extended a little regardless if she’s on the placebo because she sees the Vet all the time.

However, they cost thousands.

I was able to rehome my ex-wife’s dog in May of 2025 so that’s helpful. It is also helpful to not have dog pee on things that she would mark smelling up my house while I was at work.

Only the dog is mine.

I’m too much of a softy to rehome the cats although they’ve become too much with the food situation. I’ll contact the cat vet and see how the diet can be changed to one thing for all of them.

I was talking with Nightingale last night and the cat with the renal disease was chirping, meowing and sometimes purring.

Nightingale didn’t mention anything. She’s allergic to cats. However, to some extent she’s not even close to an animal person. I haven’t ever been on the phone with someone who didn’t ask which one was making noise when any of mine are being appealing.

I like her dog a lot and he’s trained to only be a dog in all respects. He can’t get on furniture, beds, or even greet someone unless they reach down to greet him.

When she made me dinner on Saturday night in her house her well-trained and super cute dog made a specific noise and wagged his tail and I said, “He’s asking for food, right?” She was shocked. I told her that I’m great with animals. I am good with domestic animals cues and can get very close to deer when I’m hiking to snap a picture. (I’m not a dumbass so I don’t like being near mountain lions, rattlesnakes, moose, and haven’t had a bear encounter yet thankfully.)

Scorpio’s dog was a really good boy and well-trained. He was allowed to obsess on me when he wanted to and he did. I still miss her dog a lot.

I love all animals. I like to watch the birds on the porch when I drink coffee in the morning or have a Spindrift, Waterloo, or Lacroix at night. When I used to walk my dog sometimes I’d see black foxes near the creek which was equal parts scary and cool.

I’m an outdoor plant. I love being outside all of the time and even don’t mind repetitive tasks such as removing cheatgrass, kochia, henbit, prickly lettuce, purslane, and spotted spurge in my tiny grass patch in the backyard at night. It’s too bad that means that no matter what I do, I’ll get bitten a couple of times by mosquitos, but I still like the task.

Nightingale can’t come over to my house because of my ex-wife’s cats and my dog. She has allergy induced asthma and some other conditions.

Nightingale has lived with other women in her pristine house. I don’t know the timeline–meaning when they moved in. Not only would I not want to do that, but we don’t like the same things day-to-day. Even if I could cohabit, and at this point I absolutely cannot, it would have to be with a likeminded woman.

I love having a purring cat next to me, sitting outside and fussing in a yard, talking a long walk through neighborhoods (which used to include walking my dog 1-3 miles everyday), and taking any excuse to spend more time outside.

I go to a cabin in the mountains today. Nightingale rented it.

I’m looking forward to walking and probably doing a journal in my nature journal today. I can hike on Tuesday and Wednesday too.

I won’t miss my pets really given all the things that they’re requiring now and need a break.

I’ll write on Friday. Nightingale gets her knee replaced that day. I’ll have a lot of information about our dynamic after this week.

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Cabin

I was in one in a really remote area in May with Scorpio. We spent three nights there. We had a night with one woman who neither of us knew, and then the following two nights we were with two women who were her friends in our cabin. That configuration of sleeping ensured no sexual intimacy.

I’ll be in a cabin in another area of the mountains Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday night with Nightingale.

Just us.

It’s pretty remote too. And it includes an area that I climbed in 2009 a couple of times. I’m excited to see what I can see from the windows in our cabin. I also want to trek around solo or with her.

Last night I took her basmati with saffron, chicken piccata with fresh lemon butter, and cauliflower with sweet peppers and garlic. We talked and snuggled and kissed a tiny bit and then I left after a couple of hours. I simply wanted to know that she had dinner that night. Cooking for friends and other loved ones is like breathing for me.

She texted, “This meal is so fucking amazing.”

The kitchen in our cabin is waaaay better than my kitchen, so I think that I’ll bring some food that I can cook. I’m excited to have a meal with her in a home. We are so new we’ve not gone out to dinner yet. And she can’t come to my house due to significant cat allergies.

In a cabin. 1-1. Together and with enough space to not be together when something moves us.

I like that so much more than being around tons of people. I’m not a group person unless there is an activity like kickball or bowling. I don’t even enjoy parties.

I do enjoy nature. I enjoy it solo and haven’t had an intimate partner who enjoys it as much as I do.

I think it’s worthwhile to mention again that Nightingale has a new knee that is 12-weeks old. She’ll get the other knee replaced on Friday.

We have to stick a pin in our mutual love of nature. We can certainly trek a tiny bit this upcoming week, but she can’t overdo it because then she’s stuck to her ice machine afterward.

She’s a fly fisher.

I’m a hiker and tiny bit of a climber.

We’re so undefined right now. She could pull the plug on us anytime that she wants to. I can’t imagine having a new love interest when you’re going into another knee replacement.

I’m going to:

  1. Enjoy tonight and our vacation next week
  2. Support her with her guidance and direction after her other knee is replaced

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Teachers

We stay stagnant when we surround ourselves with people who think only as we do.

I’m learning that some people know what they want no matter what.

Nightingale is learning that some women move slow and intentionally with decisions.

She was sooooo pissed off at me on Tuesday night. I had to get polished at using the skill: “I feel x, when y is happening, and I’m hoping that in the future you’ll respect my (boundary, time, need for understanding / validation).”

We talked on the phone for four-hours.

At the end of it she said, “Can you just come over here and hold me all night?”

“At two in the morning?”

“Yes.”

I don’t like having conflict over the phone. I will not engage in ANY intense texting.

When we have friction, we’re going to talk f2f.

Sleeping or Sex?

It was nice to be in her bed with her and see how nicely our bodies fit together when we’re sleeping. It was interesting that she approached intimacy from so many different angles until she got what she wanted. I was firm with not touching her and kept moving my hands away from where she’d put them. She said, “You’re strong.” I said, “Yep. And I don’t engage in gamey or shitty behavior.” The thing is that if someone after a long time keeps showing how much they want you, you can clarify, obtain consent and go for it.

She’s not my GF.

She’s not really my friend.

We don’t have similar ideas / attachment about outcome.

The only crushing thing about an end to being lovers for me would be not preserving a friendship.

I still want my exit interview with anyone.

She wants the life partner who she wakes up with everyday and who she will grow old with and tend to and vice versa until death.

I don’t think that the relationship escalator is real–it’s exceptional, so it works for a small percentage of couples.

I have to work today and tomorrow.

We’ll see each other on the weekend.

I don’t care what we’re doing and will do it with her as long as she lets me.

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Stable

Nightingale and I have had some emotional and physical Jenga.

She is about 10-weeks out from her first knee replacement.

Her other knee gets replaced this month.

I had a friend here in town who’d not visited in 7-years. She was here for a few days with her ex-husband and two kids.

After Nightingale and I had met and clearly established that we liked each other romantically, she accompanied me to my best friend’s house for pizza and sides on Sunday night. That morning after we were done walking around we hugged again and I kissed her quickly. That night, she met me at my best friend’s house. Our Sunday was a bit like a marathon first date, and it worked for me.

She and I had a wonderful time with all of my friends.

Then she had to name all of her discomfort while we were talking in her car at the end of the night. She doesn’t want to date anyone polyamorous. It was a rough and painful conversation.

I get it.

I’m great with boundaries.

We can both let many hours go by talking, so it was about 10:30 and I said, “I’m going to give you a hug and drive home.”

I moved across the seat and hugged her and she was crying a little bit and said, “I want to touch you.” I said, “Yeah, and you’ll have to keep it G rated.”

Yesterday, I went over to have coffee with her in her modern and pristine house and it was awkward and sad.

I hadn’t slept worth a shit on Sunday night so I did a few things that I had to do and didn’t feel any better until I lifted weights. Nightingale’s knee had swelled up so bad that she had to cancel her trip to CA that she was going to have before her next knee surgery. I know that she and I probably overdid it on Sunday, but I was kinda glad that she found out about it when she was here and not in Northern California unable to do things that she wanted to do because of swelling.

It sucks to have wiring that doesn’t fit another’s when you clearly have a good connection in the emotional, physical and romantic realm.

Last night, I cleaned up after my dog and cats–talking to Hockey on the phone the whole time–and then settled in to watch the next episode of “Dark” in the sequence. Nightingale texted me. Given that she’s a real athlete–the whole thing–track and soccer through high school, college track scholarship, and has completed two Iron Mans and is a triathlete–watching the US lose yesterday and also knowing that she can’t go to CA was too much for her.

She texted, “Have you ever just wanted to be held so you can cry?”

I said, “Absolutely. Do you need me to shower and come over?”

I think that she wanted that and didn’t want that. Holding two things that are both true is a tough spot.

I went over there.

I could hold any friend who needed me to. I could provide a clothed massage, a held hand all night, and would even draw a bath and keep a friend company while she cried in the bathtub.

This scenario wasn’t a heavy lift for me. It was nice to 1) support, and 2) have physical input.

We half-assed watched old episodes of “American Idol,” talked and I rubbed her back and even her surgical scars on her knee that has already been replaced.

Her knee is stable and it is nervy and feels weird so it jacks up her body. She is healing.

We talked and talked and talked. It wasn’t friendly, and it wasn’t purely romantic. It was a completely intimate and connected experience for both of us and I really needed it.

When I’m not seeing anyone, I miss touching a woman. It doesn’t have anything to do with sex for me.

After a couple of hours we were simply snuggling and it got intense so she said, “It’s time for you to go home.”

I popped up and she was shocked.

“Jesus Christ, I didn’t mean get out! Wow.”

I told her that I’m good with boundaries. She came over to me and took me in her arms and kissed my neck while holding me. I held her tighter and then walked over to her door.

I put on my shoes and looked at her and said, “Just one kiss, ok?” I had the green light and went to give her a quick kiss and then it was all her.

I stopped in the middle of it and said, “That’s you! I was just going to give you a quick kiss before I left.” She just pulled me to her and kept kissing me.

I totally get where she is coming from with regards to not wanting to date me. And, I’m fine with it. I had a couple of GFs since 2024 and those relationships were not meant to last longer than they did. I think that I can just keep showing up for Nightingale and see what unfolds. I’m not going to do anything weird. I’m glad that she let me support her last night and that we had some genuine romantic kissing when I left her house. There is zero reason to future trip and not just let something unfold organically with her based on the pacing that she sets.

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V2

Today I talked with Nightingale for close to two hours. She’ll leave for her solo vacation on Tuesday.

We talked about our childhoods.

Our experiences in therapy.

We talked about work.

We talked about parenting (Hers is 18 and a daughter; mine is 20 and a son.).

She talked about her reservations seeing someone polyamorous.

I told her that I got it. And honestly I’m pretty malleable and have done all manner of relationships based on what partners talk to me about and what I’m comfortable doing.

I told her that I felt like I was being punished for the sins of their ex-BFs in my last two relationships.

It’s refreshing that she was married to a woman and has had many, many GFs since then and those have mostly been with women who need some caretaking.

I listened fully to that.

I only take care of myself. I don’t ask for anything either.

I didn’t ask my ex prior to Scorpio accompany me to my PRP injection last summer–but, she offered and did it giving a baby monitor (She had a three-year-old at the time.) to the accountant below her unit in her building, and Scorpio didn’t do anything for me. (She did arrange some flowers by hand in vases and bring them to me twice, but that’s small gestures after four months. I think that she paid for two meals during our time together too. She was waaaay cheaper to date than my ex-GF though because I didn’t have to take her places all the time and pay for babysitters.)

I explained what an anchor partner does and described the tour of my city that I did for Scorpio when I got off work, had to pick her up on the far west side and then drive far south to pick up her car. I made dinner for her that night. I’m a great anchor partner with a local GF.

I talked about how I’ve always had friends for different purposes. (Honestly, I think that lovers could fit that bill for me too.)

I also let her know that there isn’t a single romantic connection in my life right now.

Assuming that we get there–and we both decided that needs to be determined not only through a vibe check but also an embrace–she and I can work on what feels right. It would take me quite awhile to feel solid with her anyway and my last comet doesn’t talk to me at all anymore. I think that we can make something work if we like each other romantically. We certainly have great chemistry and conversation.

She wants lasting connection.

I asked her when her birthday is. It’s five-days after Scorpio’s. I said, “Oh, that’s good.” And she asked, “When’s your birthday?” And I told her and she said, “Oh, you’re a Virgo. That’s my moon.”

🤯

Nightingale is Scorpio-Virgo. I’m Virgo-Scorpio. Her Ascendent is right on the cusp of Gemini and Cancer, so that means if she’s mostly Gemini, our big three are the same (Earth, Water, and Air). The latter seems to fit more because she is verbose in her presentation. Cancers are pretty careful and watchful. Nightingale is a great talker.

I’m hoping that Scorpio Version 2 is a romantic and intimate prospect, and I’ll know on Monday morning when we walk.

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Boyfriends

Therapy is such a good thing. I have one more thing which is not related to a new love interest to write about today. It’s related to my insight after therapy.

I’m totally fine dating bisexual women.

They’re often prettier.

My last two GFs were still both really hung up on their ex-boyfriends.

My one prior would talk about him all the time. I realized recently that she was going to parks with her daughter in his area of the city because she probs wanted to run into him and had a belief that when he saw their daughter he would rekindle. Or maybe just pay child support. Or perhaps stop texting, “Hi,” at 3 in the morning and respond to pictures of their daughter that she sent to him. She would also talk about how amazing he was too. It was a treat.

Scorpio talked about her ex-BF all the time. Recently she told me that she’d gotten spoiled by him because he did all the driving. During our last fight she called me monogamous and said that I was a repeat of this ex-BF. To all that, I can call bullshit.

My new love interest is lesbian. Like me. That means that she won’t be hung up on an ex-BF.

When I date a bisexual woman again if she’s recently broken up, I need to ensure that she is over him. If not, I will probably suggest that she does couples work with the guy and reconciles. I’d be fine dating her after that time. I like having male metamours. I don’t want to be a stand-in for a man going forward.

🤯

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Fire

I had therapy yesterday.

I told him that I feel like the whole world is on fire so it may not be the best time to start a long-term relationship.

He told me that he would worry if I was sitting at home and refusing to step outside.

I debriefed my date with KY.

He said that he worries when people seek passion, but he hears that I don’t want to be depleted by someone either.

He also called me an optimist.

Why should I give up?

Wildfire smoke has settled in my face.

Finally all the sinus stuff has moved and my cough and such are productive. I won’t be feeling like poo too much longer given that the stage that it’s in.

I did my interval run anyway and dealt with the headache.

I still didn’t want to cook.

I logged into my dating app and saw that I had squirreled away three boosts… I guess that maybe I had forgotten to use them in MT and ID? I dunno.

I boosted.

I went to pick up a whole bunch of Chinese food. (Catonese. Unfortunately, one of the best restaurants in the nation closed here so we don’t have a good Szechuan choice anymore.)

DMs:

Tomboy: “Hello! We have some of the same things in common. And we both have verified profiles, which is refreshing. What are your plans for the weekend?”

Nightingale: “It might also be refreshing that I have done therapy. This weekend is trip planning to [an undisclosed location]. I’m going to do a little road trip, redwoods, the coast, oysters, and farm to table food. What are your plans?”

And then the good, reciprocal exchanges came. She’s smart. She’s funny. And she’s open. That all seemed good to me.

Then she wanted to move right to a call.

“Hey do you want to talk over the phone?”

“A phone call tonight?” It was really late.

“Why not?”

Why not indeed.

An hour and half later she wants to delay her trip leaving in a day so we can take a walk. Ripping off the Band-Aid it seems. Stay tuned.

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Matchable

Getting to the date was a whole thing.

I got there early because I didn’t want her to be waiting for me.

She apparently was just a little bit late and didn’t want to interrupt my conversation.

She also didn’t think that I was me.

That was the odd part. I was the only one there within the 45-minute time period who was in a purple dress–or any dress at all for that matter.

So I wasn’t just standing around being awkward and overdressed, I made conversation with a guy who was timing his walk and getting some coffee refilled. We talked about electric cars, pollution, wildfires, democratic socialists, and corporate interest.

I sent location pins to the matchmaking service and kept going in and out of the coffee shop.

Finally, there was a short woman sitting at a table by herself on the phone, and I just interrupted her conversation and asked if she was waiting for someone and she nodded and tied up her conversation.

She is very pretty. She has huge blue eyes, a great smile, and takes her appearance very seriously.

Our dynamic seems friendly to me. She wants to meet my friend group too and is willing to be our sub for bowling when she’s in town. Her teams are now in Philadelphia, NYC, and DC, so I don’t know how many Mondays she’ll be here realistically, but I do want her in our friends circle. She hails from KY. I know that she is going beyond vibe with my teammate from AL.

Neither one of us are attracted to butch women.

I guess that if you exchange numbers with a date that you’re not really matched again. So, she told me that we shouldn’t say that we have each other’s numbers. I told her that I would upvote her and she said she would with me as well. We texted quite a bit last night with her initiation.

I’m going to host a Saturday night party at the end of the month like the potlucks that I used to host seasonally after I’d been divorced for 2-years. Hockey has wanted me to do that, and I’ll literally invite any woman with whom I’ve had a date over the last 2-years to it. Part of my polyamorous orientation is that I want people to have new friends and lovers because I connect them.

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Life

Career after retirement:

This morning I got up to enroll in the first course that I’m taking in a 5 class sequence. I’m on a wait list though 🫤 There is a chance that I can’t start until NEXT fall because I think that I may have to stop teaching on Tuesday nights for one semester. (I’ve taught almost exclusively on Tuesday nights for 11-years at one university.) I’ll have to talk to my supervising professor who made a post-doc experience for me in the winter of 2015 to see if she’ll allow me to change the night of the week for one semester only. One class that I will need to take for my candidacy application is only taught 3:30 – 6 on Tuesday nights. I’m so lucky that my Boss will let me flex my work hours and leave early for a semester. There is no way that if I had my old day job I could do that. And my old Boss would’ve said no.

Last two GFxs:

  1. We had mismatched libidos. When I said that we don’t belong together in March of 2025, I should’ve stuck to it.
  2. We didn’t have healthy conflict. I need to ask specifically at date #4 with any woman if she yells during conflicts. I can’t tolerate that at all. Because it’s a no fly zone, I need to ask if I can take a break from the conflict until she is able to speak without a raised voice.

Dating Pool:

I remain in the database with the matchmaking firm as a “Matchable Member.” My first year was comped. I have my first date today which is in person and now has been moved by the match again. It’s close to lunch time. It’s nice to have plans regardless. I’ve not had an in person date with a new woman since May 16th. I’m going to bring my most charming and funny self to this date regardless if I’m attracted to her in the slightest. It’s nice to have something to do today.

Pride:

I went to a friend’s house for a pre-party on Friday night last week. I got concerned whether or not they were going to go out at all and didn’t wind up leaving their house until after 11 pm. I went to a party with DJs with a friend on Saturday night and we stayed all afternoon until the evening. On Sunday I went with MI to the parade and we listened to some music and watched the coolest and most creative drag performance that I’d ever seen.

Mental Health:

I feel balanced. I have an appointment with my new psychologist tomorrow. I’m awarded two more sessions for free after this one and then I’ll see him monthly out-of-pocket. I need some support with my dating life generally. Breakups are never fun.

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Basics

I slept having multiple dream cycles. I haven’t slept well since I got back from my solo vacation. Except for some congestion and a minor sore throat, I feel excellent today.

I took a strength training class last night with MI. Her gym is female only. She asked me to give her options for boxing classes, so I’m going to call the boxing gym that I can go to and give her the schedule for the week of July 6th when I see her again on Sunday. Boxing class rips up my hands altogether, which is one of the reasons that I stopped, and it’s embarrassing that my overall lack of coordination with my legs unless I am climbing makes the movements difficult for me. However, she’s my friend and I want to do something fun with her next month.

I’ll go out of town today to meet Hockey’s two sons, bowl with them, and have dinner together.

I sunsetted my Facebook account completely yesterday. I had to go through years of photos, which got me emo. Downloading them took forever, but it felt great to just delete the whole thing. I made that account in 2007 or 2008, I believe. I’m glad that it’s gone.

The oppressive humidity that we had all day yesterday ultimately had a purpose and we got rain. That means that I can finally put my cylinder back in my rain gauge! I think that because we have been in a severe drought for five-months, it will take much for the ground to absorb moisture. Thankfully, when the arborists were here on Tuesday removing nuisance trees from the chain link fences around my huge backyard, they also dropped some mulch on the dirt around my shed. That night, I went to Home Depot to buy organic, non-dyed mulch for the places that were still barren (well-spent $20). This rain’s moisture will stay in the yard for the very few wildflowers that came up this year.

I have a matchmaking date in 6-days which will be sooooo interesting.

I began DMing with a woman who owns a petsitting business which she runs with one of her two adult daughters and even her 11-year-old granddaughter helps out. We moved to text last night.

I may be building some friendships atm. That sounds good. Dating apps are something else generally.

I have Hockey. I have MI. I had Scorpio who is conflicted generally and can’t have healthy conflict.

I wish that HER had a the ability to write in your own status message! Mine would say something to the effect of “Scammer liked you! Enjoy stock photos and DMs that are from a bot or pair of people in an office in Eastern Europe!”

I’m going to give Cookies and another woman deets for my Saturday and Sunday plans for Pride. They’re welcome to join me with a friend who is doing plans with me. I’m going with LA to a concert in the afternoon on Saturday, and with MI on Sunday to the parade which has a brand new route this year. I’ll probably stay out a bit on Sunday. MI can drink if she’d like as I’ll park. She can vape too if she’d like–just not in my car. (Scorpio was already high once and spaced out that she was in my car and absentmindedly took a hit and had to roll down my window as quickly as she could when she realized that she was in my car vaping 😳.) Oh, stoners!

Did I mention that I slept?

I wish that I could always just magically give myself sleep. Before menopause, and even when I was simply perimenopausal, I could just start sleeping. And being well-rested makes all the difference in the world with my mood! When we had a 5-hour layover in Phoenix to get home from HI after our honeymoon, my then wife watched me sleep in chairs at the airport. When I woke up she said, “You slept like that for 2-hours.” How I miss being an awesome sleeper!

Now we have an OG butcher shop that’s a 1.2 mile RT walk from my house. They have actual hoagies. The bread is white with a crust. (Please don’t tell me that Subway has real delicatessen bread. That’s not real.) I have had two of their sandwiches so far. It takes them a long time to make them and they’re worth the wait. I had one yesterday with corned beef and purple pickled cabbage.

Exercise, sleep and nuitrition.

And then the cherry is going back to basics with chopping wood, carrying water, and quieting unnecessary noise.

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🤯

I have known one of my bowling teammates for nine years this fall. She is a professional musician and also chaperones travel for students, so I’ve not bowled with her this season due her summer commitments. She hurt her back this morning, and I asked her if she would still consider coming to league because I hadn’t seen her in two months.

She wound up bowling with a 6-pound ball. And she’s so funny and zany that we all had fun with her.

I told her that I had to tell her something that was pretty awful.

I got to the part wherein I told her that my ex said that she could hold space with me when I was in a bad mood because she trusted me enough to know that if she had anything to do with it that I’d bring it up and that I told her that if there was a chance that I could contract HPV that would definitely impact my mood.

I told her that was when my ex exploded.

She said, “I’m going to stop you for a moment. 1. You’re always have the right to ask any questions that when answered may affect your sexual health. 2. Going dark on anyone is not ok.”

I don’t know why dialing it in so specifically blew my mind. It did.

I said, “And she was my girlfriend. And an anchor partner.”

I can’t remember exactly what she said, but it had to do with you’d never do that with anyone, and the least of which would be anyone that you called a partner.

🤯

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Tech

My schedule is so, so light in June and July. Thus, my solo vacation at the end of spring and then yardwork alongside catching up other things in a house that is too big with too many pets and a mostly disgusting 20-year-old man.

I teach ONE class and it’s a very low lift.

Today, I have exchanged almost an hour’s worth of emails with a student who is applying for a national credential.

The culprit?

Flat versus completely fillable PDFs.

And this particular student is extremely detail oriented. I’m hit or miss with that feature. Sometimes I figure, “Well, this effort will have to be good enough!”

I signed and dated the form and when I sent it back because her field supervisor didn’t have a verified email address it wasn’t an electronic signature on the form. She’d typed her name. Therefore, Adobe erased her information. She had also only checked two boxes instead of the five which are required on the form from the field-based supervisor.

I can type her name with other features and can’t check the boxes because they’re now flat.

The demographic information also disappeared.

I want to hop on a Zoom with the student to determine what’s acceptable for her in her own estimation to turn into the national credentialing board.

I think that there’s this battle during this moment in time with more archaic software platforms and going fully artificially intelligence based. That means that occasionally software that had been used for years–like Adobe Reader–you have snafus that are difficult to correct.

I’m so glad that I’m not at my day job and am giving up my lunch to fight with a PDF!

And I’m secretly hoping that when I am done with the five classes that I have to take and start my own practice that a majority of my clients are the analog people who want to meet in person in the office that I can sublet!

Do you have any funny or frustrating technology stories to share?

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Coffee

It’s happening. And this woman is beyond cautious. She may give me a fake name.

It’s not like I don’t get it on some level.

Personally, I have gotten really adept at spotting romance scammers. I’ve been dating online for a year and have worked with this matchmaking service for six-months.

Now, I understand why the service said that our tapas thing last week (when a tree fell on her car) had a reservation under the concierge’s name.

She likes incognito.

Giving me her cell phone number would be a no fly zone for her, which is why she wanted to move to Google Meet with me. I think that I’m all set with any Google Meet dates regardless. They remind me of working.

The coffee is pretty late–10:00, so I won’t be having any. I try to be done at that time and during the academic year, I like to be done drinking coffee by 9:30. In fact, I am going to bike and then change. Then I’ll order something caffeine free that comes in a ceramic cup.

We find each other by what we’re wearing that day. I have to announce my outfit in the correspondence. I’ll put my purple dress and sandals with heels in my panier and bring a comb. I don’t wear a ton of makeup, so it will be fine.

Writing it out is helpful. I will leave to bike there a bit before 9–it’s not far from my house.

So, I’ll get there about 9:30. I’ll change. I want to have coffee in something not disposable. She’ll get a lot of information about me.

I’m definitely not cautious.

After I got divorced, I realized how much I love people. And I particularly love them 1-1.

Like any typical Virgo, I do have very high standards and they’re only for myself.

Ergo, I bike. I don’t like disposable cups and that seems really odd to have one when you’re consuming something in an established place.

Whatever you want to do is fine with me, because it doesn’t really affect me.

I made some grilled chicken chimichurri last night and cut up a tomato and put salt, garlic powder and some dried basil that I pinched into a fine dust on the slices. Then I arranged butter lettuce leaves on the bottom of my salad bowl, laid tomatoes on them, put sherry vinegar on it and olive oil on the lettuce. I took it over to my best friend’s house. I’d not seen her in ages. It had probably been late fall. She travels to different parts of Asia in January with her husband.

I told her the whole story about Scorpio and then about my coffee date that my date didn’t want. This date is a dinner person. Holding firm about coffee for a blind date is my statement. Let’s get to know each other in a low stakes environment. My best friend loved that dinner didn’t happen because nature intervened.

I’m getting better. Yesterday, I listened to “Downfall” too many times on repeat; however, I’m doing better for the most part.

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Rant

I got back from my 6th solo vacation last night and will have a lot of material to write about in forthcoming entries.

For now, I am going to rant.

I was hiking in the West Rim of Glacier National Park last Friday when I got a text message from the matchmaking service regarding a woman who lives between here and TN.

She sounded like a Republican.

There used to be no issue with that; however, now much of the ideology has become synonymous with religion as a tool for hatred and also a nod to times that probably were non-existent. Let’s face it: “Leave it to Beaver” had one real character and that was Eddie Haskell. I digress.

I texted this matchmaker, “Make sure she’s ok with my being Agnostic and also working in Public Service. I am not a Republican.”

I should also provide some context regarding that my package is completed. I had six dates. One via phone which later became a hike and the rest were video dates.

I’m in their “membership pool,” which I think means that I’m kinda like a chess piece for paid members for whom they’re having difficulty matching. I don’t pay for these dates going forward though–I pay for my food or beverages and that’s it. This time period will last through next spring.

I had one phone date with a woman who’s about 50-miles from me and we eventually met for a hike. I’m still in some contact with her. She’s smart and cool. She has her own TED talk.

Otherwise, I had video dates. In my mind, three went really well. One woman likes me a lot and won’t move from OR. I’d be fine with a partner in the Pacific NW, and I think she’s monogamous. So, she and I don’t have similar ideas about relationships.

This service lists my relationship style as “Open.”

Video dates aren’t my favorite.

My webcam is unforgiving. It reminds me of a concave mirror.

And I have NEVER in my nine-years of dating, had a dinner date for a first date.

Why would one do that? Particularly a blind date. You’d have to be very extroverted.

So, I was SUPER clear about that. I’ll write the clarity here:

“I’m currently driving back to Missoula from Idaho. I am free tomorrow. I don’t like doing dinner on a first date. The pressure’s too high.”

“I understand! Safe travels!”

“See if she’s amenable to having coffee or a drink. I don’t drink, but love club soda.”

“You got it! Maybe there is a cool mocktail bar?”

“We have awesome spots. A majority of my GFs have been drinkers. I also like to take walks in public parks. I don’t love my webcam; however, my speaking voice is one of my best assets. I am flexible generally. Just have always thought dinner is an oddly formal first date. Nothing like the stare down across the table for an-hour-and-a-half!”

“Totally get it! Working on setting something up now and will send details shortly. Stand by!”

Then I landed home and had this date information in an email:

“Get ready for your upcoming drinks and appetizers date at [insert the name of a tapas bar!] Enjoy a cocktail or mocktail and small plate or two as you get to know one another. To make it easy to find each other, a reservation has been made under the Concierge name.”

WTF?!?!

So, the text patronization rounds began.

“I’m nervous for a 6 pm dinnertime first date. Not my thing and I will be charming.”

“Hi, Tomboy. Thank you for reaching out! We totally understand that this process takes trust and vulnerability. We are here for you every step of the way. Remember that this could be your last first date. It could also be a great opportunity for you to learn more about yourself and your ideas of partnership. Release your attachment to any outcome and keep an open mind!”

“I don’t have an attachment. I just don’t prefer eating with a stranger. I will turn up the charm.”

“That is the perfect mindset! Bringing your charm will make it a fun experience no matter what. We completely understand that dinner with a stranger can feel a bit intense. Have a wonderful time!”

I couldn’t text back.

What a pile of shit.

I said that I wouldn’t do dinner. He (this woman’s Matchmaker) set up dinner.

“Last first date” is the most revolting thing that I have ever read.

I forwarded that whole message to Hockey and she said that it made her cringe.

I should note that Hockey is a standard monogamous lesbian who has even U-Hauled a couple of times.

What exactly should I be learning about myself with respect to partnership?

And where did I lose sight of my self-awareness?

I have been in therapy off and on since I was 14 when my body was shattered and my brother was killed. I don’t need an awkward AF dinner date to help me “learn more about [my]self.”

And this poor woman! She has no idea that I don’t do dinner with strangers. Her matchmaker set dinner, which I don’t do, and likely she paid $12,000 for her package. I think that her matchmaker set her up. She’s a person. She deserves respect. I will be so nice to her. If she’s MAGA who is anti-science and hasn’t done therapy, I’ll tie it up within an hour and ask her if she’d like a hug or handshake.

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Honesty

I’ve had five dates since I broke up with Scorpio.

I have been DMing with about six other women.

I don’t have any business investing my heart in women.

At this time, I wrestle over and over with the fact that when Scorpio is mad she yells. It may begin as crying, which becomes a raised voice and later always gives way into yelling.

I can’t understand how she was able to go dark for an entire day. Having sex with three different people in 24-hours also seems like a mood cycle.

I probably shouldn’t say the latter, but after a lot of reflection, it’s very difficult for me to turn off the part of my mind which is trained.

In terms of healthy conflict, I had said that we needed to walk away from people in a park when we were out of town together and she was yelling. That time she was yelling because I said that I would go back on Saturday from the camping birthday party that she wanted me to attend with her and she said, “No.” Originally when I committed to that activity, she and I would’ve had the first night with just us together in separate accommodations. Then we’d have had two other nights in an open floor plan cabin with two other women. We wound up having a woman whom neither of us knew in our cabin that Thursday night, and then two different women from her friend group on Friday and Saturday nights.

During that conflict she told me that she would never go to an overnight party for one of my friends and that she was glad that she knew that was my boundary.

She continued to yell.

We talked about that conflict four different times and got to the bottom of it and she said that my not staying the whole time meant that I wasn’t a teammate. I understood that. I went. I did the best that I could around 60 people who I don’t know and I made three quiches for the contribution that she and I made for our brunch team. (Due to her dietary restrictions I learned how to make one that was gluten and dairy free.)

Teammate.

Does a teammate go dark for a whole day?

Does a teammate not acknowledge two texts that you send (one at 7:30 pm and another at 9:10 pm)?

Does a teammate drop a threesome bomb via text in the middle of the night?

I think that’s a coach who tells you how you’ll play everything.

Last week one of the video dates that I had was awful–I wrote about it–and the one that I had yesterday was good.

I have to admit that an adventure partner or an out-of-state travel partner feels less appealing to me given that I broke up with my girlfriend and don’t have an anchor partner. I’m left not understanding how she could unload on me when I had hurt feelings about her behavior and choices.

I can pose those three questions again and substitute the word “anchor partner” with “teammate.”

I know the answers regardless of the role of the person in each question. No.

It doesn’t change how incredibly heartbroken I am in this situation.

Scorpio and I had so many things that were aligned. We had a brilliant emotional and physical connection. There were superficial things that turned out to be fascinating in our commonality as well. We had both empty sibling and home and root houses in our charts. I have the same facial expressions that one of her partners had whom she was deeply in love with and would break up with and get back together. She looks like my murdered former sister-in-law and is an artist and witchy like she was too. We have women (different archetypes) tattooed on our left sides. We laughed so hard for hours. We could cuddle for hours too as our bodies ceased to begin and end (She said once, “Our bodies just fit. They fit perfectly.”). Scorpio and I had it going on. There is nothing that I can do to impact her volatility, deflecting responsibility, belittling, and sabotaging.

I’m committing to five sessions with a psychologist (The first appointment is today.) to reconcile my conflicting feelings and deal with heartbreak.

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Honeymoon

It’s interesting to reflect now that I’m just over the two week mark. I think that Scorpio mostly held it together for four-months illustrates that she was really trying with me.

Our travels together are the best memories that I have with dating or those when I travelled married. With previous partners there would be fatigue, complaining outside, one often got drunk, another had to rush back to her son, and then just tension overall with my ex-wife.

Scorpio and I simply travelled wonderfully together. And she was so fun, a good storyteller, and affectionate. I loved her and those things.

I’m ready to give my heart and fully embrace being in love. Scorpio has to do her work. That work is independent of me.

I had a brutal video date yesterday. There couldn’t have been less chemistry between us and she wasn’t able to flow in conversation. I knew her hobbies and how much she loves her cute dog. There was this element that made me think that she was maybe a little defensive and rusty altogether with dating. I also wasn’t attracted to her. The 30-minutes was really difficult.

I was so mad when the call ended. I texted Hockey and then called my Employee Assistance Program. I’ll go to an appointment next week with a new psychologist.

I had a phone date last night with a cool woman. She’s open, vulnerable, and deep. We talked for over an hour-and-a-half on my landline. I’ll text her today so she has my contact information.

I texted Cookies. She is always so verbose, silly and a little bit odd. I’m weird, so it works. Her texts make me laugh. I’ll take her quiche when I get back from vacation.

Today, I have to get ready to host a party.

I’m going to hold out. I want partners with the whole package. Ability to resolve conflict in a healthy way, fun, open and sense of humor are requirements. I don’t want to settle for anything because I’m willing to work in relationship too. With fewer days left than the ones lived, I think that my being in love is a gift to myself.

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Knowledge

The woman who eventually fell in love with me, who I took home from a bar one night in 2009, had the Latin phrase know thyself on one of her thighs tattooed. I’m not sure how that shook out for her. She almost drank herself to death. She has a new liver and doesn’t engage with me at all anymore.

I know myself well.

I have also made so much progress with respect to what I want in my romantic relationships.

I have learned lessons that I apply to my dating and also my love relationships.

I read the Substack “Decolonizing Love.” There was a quiz on it–that I understand fully isn’t normative–that I took to see if I would test in the realm of Solo Poly. I didn’t.

Looking at it, I agree that I am mostly autonomous, and can still show up for partners who need some help from me or like it when I take the wheel to plan dates. Apparently, I’m not solidly autonomous, so I am maybe less solo than I think.

My main problem with monogamy is that I think it’s typically something that makes sense when you’re raising kids and when you are doing something that is status quo. I prefer to reflect on my decisions and choices to determine if they are ones that I am engaging in of my own free will.

There is also no way that a single romantic partner could meet all of my needs.

Scorpio was a great travel partner.

Given her heavy THC usage, she was nowhere near athletic enough to meet my adventuring needs.

I want to hike for miles and get better at climbing.

I need another partner to fill that order.

Frankly, I want partners period and am super single atm.

The last thing included on this test are ideas about sex.

I’ll be 52 at the end of summer and I’ve never had a STI. I’m going to keep it that way if I’m able. Sexual health matters as much as my step count and athletic abilities.

There is a massive difference between polyamory and promiscuity. And the latter involves a gamble for me too.

Related to my expressions of polyamory is that I’m probably demisexual. I need a massive emotional connection and pull to get naked with a woman. Until now, I had not realized how much I prefer being love or being soul-level connected to a woman to have sex with her.

In this moment, I’m trying to ensure that this painful end that I had 12-days ago is one in which I can find lessons in resilience.

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Friendships

I had this impressive student in 2015-2016. He’s now a licensed psychologist. Last night he and I walked around a couple of parks and then the trail by the creek and had Mexican food at a Taqueria. We’re friends now because he’s done with school and we both want to stay in touch. He’s 14-years younger than me.

He had a really bad breakup. He told me about it two-weeks ago.

I told him my whole story.

He was horrified.

I asked if he like the piece about my being “fake.” And he said, “You’re a lot of things, and fake isn’t one of them.”

It is true that I’m direct. To a fault. I also have to be really careful so I’m not sharp.

I got good at being gentle with my ex-GF.

I know that I was as kind as I could be with Scorpio and my worries about her threesome.

He thought reading that in a text was inappropriate and extremely hurtful.

We hung out for two-hours. Here was his text:

“Home safe and doing laundry. Thanks for a great convo and meal together. My heart is heavy for you and all you’ve had to endure or be subjected to–it’s not fair and it’s not right. But, I’m also struck by your awareness, resolve and unwillingness to tolerate bullshit. You’re amazing.”

I have lived so many days more than the ones that I have left. I don’t want volatility, belittling, communication that is gamey and can’t deal with deflecting responsibility.

Unless something happens again, I think that I have laid to rest the topic of Scorpio’s and my four-months together.

I’m lucky.

I don’t want to wash myself clean of her. I don’t regret meeting her. She was fun, funny, passionate and great to be around. We had some amazing travels. We laughed so hard. Just because we don’t have healthy conflict, and she hasn’t treated her demons and mood, it doesn’t mean that I want to vilify her. I wish her peace.

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Rage

I had a weak moment after I left the gym having done the adductor, abductor, elliptical for 20-minutes and then the leg press yesterday morning.

I called the author.

I had some tears and told her that I was practically sitting on my hands because I wanted to see how Scorpio’s tooth extraction went.

She said, “And you won’t do that.”

I knew that she was right, and I knew that she was the perfect person to call so I wouldn’t do that.

We talked for probably half-an-hour on the phone. I finally went in the grocery store and then it ensued.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, texts started coming through from Scorpio.

I was called an “evil cunt.” I was told “fuck you bitch” more times than I have heard across a lifetime raising my son. It was vitriol like I have never seen.

I held firm that because we don’t have healthy conflict, we can’t do anything.

She said that she regretted meeting me and that she wishes she could wash me away from her body. She said that she shouldn’t have trusted me with her body and heart.

Scorpio said that I better worry if she ever sees me again.

I texted that engaging in this much negativity wasn’t good for her. I texted that I don’t return this level of anger or name calling.

My hands shook for awhile texting her back, and then I just called Hockey when I got to the car because she had an hour-long drive and wound up staying on the phone with her while Scorpio continued to blow up my phone. I was folding laundry and using my Pixel Buds and I could see the flashes of texts coming through the whole time.

I only had a half-day off from work, so I wound up going into work and after I had just cleared her messages that continued to come in, so soon after she started calling me. She must have called me ten times total. I texted that I was at work.

She said that I needed to go meet with my Boss and tell him that I abandoned her today and didn’t help.

I texted that he knew that and I’d met with him yesterday.

Because she has a specific ring tone (chimes), it kept ringing and I had two clients for group, so I powered off my phone. 2-hours later when I turned it back on I had 30 unread texts from her. She called at least twice more. The last one that I can see in our thread is 🖕🏻

Scorpio doesn’t like to text. Apparently when she’s mad enough she is able to send over 200 of them.

I called my best friend, I called Brooklyn, I had an appointment to talk with my friend who runs a polyamorous discussion group who’s a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW), I spoke briefly with the author again, and I talked with Hockey for an hour last night. Although when my best friend called I was talking with LCSW, she and I will talk sometime soon. I made a walking date with the Realtor. Portland also reached out yesterday again, and this time she made a phone date for Saturday.

When I write this part of the account down I recall Scorpio texting, “You deserve to be alone like I do.” I simply texted, “I am not alone.”

I’m not.

And yesterday solidified that I made the right decision returning her things on Friday morning. She is so unwell. Scorpio is the eternal victim.

I have to leave her unread going forward and won’t answer her calls. If she ever leaves a message, I’ll have a friend delete it. I don’t block her because that seems limiting. She can have her process. My hope is that someday she gets professional help (Reading self-help books are a start; however, you don’t pay anyone to challenge your thinking errors in that scenario.) and make amends with everyone with whom she has been volatile while accepting no accountability.

I wish her well.

The nice thing is that I’m no longer in love.

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Common Denominator

If you are abandoned by friends of many years, have really short stints of dating boyfriends, or have to mass remove people from your friends on Facebook, you should probably examine your role in conflict.

It takes two people to fight.

I don’t engage when a woman is yelling. I just listen. If she is yelling at me, it’s my job to listen. When it doesn’t abate, it’s my job to point out the yelling.

Name calling is never productive.

My ex-GF and I never called each other names.

My ex-wife criticized me, definitely called me names, attacked my character and generally gave me feedback about how I was failing everyone around me.

I won’t sign up for designated asshole in any of my romantic relationships going forward.

My Boss checked in with me yesterday because he was out Thursday and Friday given that he’s in an elite fellowship through Columbia University and had classes last week. He wasn’t at work until Tuesday. He wanted to make sure that I was ok after I had my ass handed to me during a restraint. Scorpio was to get an extraction today and maybe a bone graft too, so he asked how my partner was as well.

I told him that I had to break up with her. He seemed shocked. I said that she yells during conflicts and I can’t manage that. He’s an 8–I would bet all my pension on it–and so he said, “You can’t do this job everyday and deal with crazy at home.”

I told him that I don’t live with anyone and won’t ever again.

It’s not that I’m sitting around regretting the decision that I made.

It’s not that I don’t love her or that she doesn’t still have space in my heart.

A reader wrote recently on an entry that she may be afraid to love.

I think that’s possible.

I also think that it’s possible that she’s never learned how to fight right.

With an 8 (like me) and a 4 (like her) you have to learn how to not react at the same time. Both types are reactive for different reasons.

I didn’t react on Thursday. I simply asked her when she wanted to deal with this difference of opinion regarding going dark, leaving my texts seemingly unread, and getting into contact late at night or early in the morning on Monday by texting about her threesome.

My being hurt doesn’t make me controlling, manipulative or does it make her have to check in with me every three seconds when she is partying with her friends. That’s strange conflation and leaves my feelings completely unacknowledged. She said some odd things to me on Thursday night, and I still wonder if that was the THC.

It’s been 6-days. I’ll keep doing what I always do and that’s try to make sense of what happened. Regardless, I’m the one who decided to break up with her, and so I shouldn’t be surprised that she attacked. She is after all: Scorpio. Seems related to going dark and then having a threesome.

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Nope

Scorpio sent a one word response to me as it pertained to my emailed request for her to stop writing mean comments on my Instagram and talk in person. It was “Nope.” And, really, that’s the same as “Bye.” The latter is the last thing that she said when I told her that I didn’t think that I could do this on Thursday night.

What cold last words to say to someone who loved you. And someone who still is in love with you.

My lesson gathered is to be entirely direct after a few dates with how I want to fight and how a partner wants to fight. I have reached my life quota of being yelled at as I round the corner to 52.

The name calling and hairpin trigger was too much too.

I think that I used to have a bad temper. Now, I can get stern and that approach is part of my work with clients when I need to set an efficient limit. I certainly do the same thing with my son when he’s being rude.

I don’t yell.

I certainly don’t call anyone names.

I think that when I was with my ex-GF I became adept at examining my part in conflicts.

With the other conflict that Scorpio and I had, I understood my part. We had to talk about it several times. We landed in a good place too. Reflecting on it, I was mostly at fault there.

I had to accept that she wanted a partner at her friend’s birthday party. Those things are not my jam, and I did it because I love her.

I’m not sure how to talk to someone who yells and calls me names. I think that’s ok for me to talk about directly with subsequent dates. I also think that if I’m with another yeller, I need to state clearly that is fine–I know that you can’t change people–but if she begins yelling, I will ask once if she can gather herself to talk without a raised voice. I will say that if the yelling ramps up again that I don’t think it’s productive. I’ll leave.

When people yell because it involves a lot to get that revved up, I think that they also say things that they don’t completely mean. Scorpio said several things to me on Thursday night that were in anger I am sure. What’s she’s hung onto and now has as a belief is that I’m a liar. That’s not friendship material either.

I think too that given that she’s pretty high every night it’s difficult to tell what is THC and what is her true approach when she’s mad at a partner.

Although it will take me some time, and I may never be fully out of love with her, it’s best that I don’t contact her at all. So, I won’t.

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IG

I was ok yesterday until I got to the grocery store and then I had massive anxiety. I texted Hockey. When I got out of the store with my refilled water and bought fish oil, I popped on email and she’d declined meeting my best friend on Tuesday. I had a calendar notice. I thought that was the root of my anxiety–that I felt a shift.

I didn’t know until 7:00 pm or so that was barely the beginning.

I’m intuitive. I can feel things. It wasn’t a declining of an appointment.

Scorpio gone on my Instagram and written 3 comments about me on our two posts. One said that our Valentine’s Weekend was all based on lies and my being unhealthy in relationship. Another said that I was using her for sexual experiences and was planning on dumping her. The other said, “You’re a bullshite (sic.) and love bomber” and some other things that were mean. Consequently, I found out how to hide comments on Instagram. If she continues this behavior on my posts, I will block her. I wrote an email shortly afterward:

Scorpio,

I just popped on IG–been doing yard work since yesterday.  I would prefer not to have intense things on that platform.  Seems like making things public that are private.  That doesn’t feel great.  Can you refrain from that and we could maybe talk in person?  Thank you for your consideration.

Love,

TomBoy

I can’t understand laying into someone that you were crazy about and whom when you were back with her after a couple of days was reminded how incredible your connection and just holding each other felt. I’m hurt too and Thursday night felt awful and then I was immediately feeling a bit better when I walked out of her place. The thing that felt the worse was seeing her dog with his back to me looking down her hallway. He could sense all of it, and was probably simply really glad that she’d finally stopped yelling altogether.

Scorpio needs individual therapy. Yelling at someone during conflict, and continuing it when the person has asked you to stop, is never ok. Nor is continuing this intense and volatile behavior. The author told me that I simply needed to just feel my feelings and not dwell on why she’s behaving in this matter because I’ll never understand it or even know what is behind it. Regardless, this manner of attack isn’t reserved for me. Going forward as she attempts close, loving connections in lieu of casual encounters, she’ll have to examine the way in which she has conflict or she’ll continue these cycles of jettisoning opportunities for lasting love.

I’m still in love with her too. She has my heart and I don’t know when that will shift, if ever.

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Fallout

I had to admit to Hockey last night that I do like to fight sometimes.

Relationships can become stagnant and conflict is inevitable.

If people are being their authentic and whole selves, they will disagree with you occasionally. Things you do will impact them in ways that wouldn’t impact you similarly. It’s also possible to have different feelings, emotions, and sometimes reactions.

I know that elicited a couple fights I was with my ex-GF because she is just so neutral about everything. Scorpio sent me an IG last week which referenced an article about Botox which related to my ex’s presentation and how she is in relationship. When you paralyze your face with a neurotoxin you’re not able to express yourself normally, which in turn affects internalizing and externalizing behaviors. That made sense. Botox would naturally blunt you and also restrict your range of expression. It also curbs your need for sex. All the information checked out.

Yesterday at work I had to restrain a client which always sucks. He also got me in the mouth (busted lip) and when I was turning his body he got a huge handful of my hair, I was able to release his fingers and get him fully turned; however, he popped me really good in the nose before I had him contained. My blood was everywhere. He got really upset and began crying harder. I was really glad to have had 4-hours of personal leave which would’ve been used for driving to the music festival to camp with Scorpio.

I did a ton of yardwork. Talked to Hockey on the phone. And also texted Brooklyn who immediately called me when I told her about the restraint. The latter was pretty gross because I spit out blood clots until about 4 pm or so yesterday. Hockey is as she always is–supportive. Brooklyn said, “I’m going to get all witchy Italian on you right now.” She wanted to tell me what she noticed on Saturday night.

“Ok.”

“When you opened those cookies and we asked where you’d gotten them and you said that your morning date baked them, she visibly reacted. It was on her face and in her body.”

“That’s surprising. I’ve been dating for probably six weeks. And when I sent her a couple of kind texts on Sunday night when she was at ‘brunch’ and it was met with ‘goodnight sweetie I had a threesome situation xxooxx.'”

“She’s not poly.”

“She’s had waaaaay more experience with all types of polyamory than I have. And I just move slow on the sex piece.”

“Her threesome, and the text was retaliatory.”

“How come I’m the one who’s controlling, manipulative, monogamous and need to go fuck someone?”

“I’m telling you, when the cookies came out, she was affected. That should be a lead in in your writing.”

“I think that when the cookies came out, I became monogamous.”

We had a good laugh about that one and when we hung up I kept working on the side path in my front yard to remove weeds out of the bricks and was laughing out loud like a lunatic. I texted Brooklyn later about that I’m sure that my neighbors think that I’m a lunatic laughing loudly to myself and she texted, “The best thing about being Italian is being a lunatic.”

Maybe all of her behaviors–her silence, her insensitive text, some of her cursory and scant texts for the next two days–were all designed to provoke a reaction in me.

I will say that when I found out exactly what the encounter was I said, “That’s nothing! That wouldn’t put me at risk for anything either.”

And it’s not. But, it’s not something to text. It’s not a phone call conversation either. She should have spoken to me about it and told me that she had some romance / intimacy and that she’d like to speak with me.

I tell her every time that I have a date. And she has some kinda feelings about me not getting intimate right away with dates. I don’t want to do that. In fact, I probably wouldn’t have slept with her on date three if we hadn’t been out of town. I do move slow. The point of it is that it wasn’t about sex, it was about timing and tact. She was tactless.

Instead of speaking to me with appropriate volume, she just spent at least 10-minutes yelling.

I grew up in a house full of yelling. My ex-wife was volatile and reactive. She would yell and also slam things. One time she threw something down the stairs and damaged the paint.

I’m not going to do any volatility anymore. I also think that adults should be able to acknowledge raising their voices and say, “Let’s talk another time.”

I’m resolved.

In addition to being volatile, she was out of control. I think that she engaged in behavior all afternoon through the end of the night on Sunday to sabotage our relationship.

That is a bummer too. We had a wonderful connection and I am in love with her.

Scorpio’s accusations landed in a manner which felt belittling. I’m not any of those things that she said, and my concern was about my two kind texts being met with the goodnight I was in a threesome bit. I’m entitled to my feelings no matter what. And all three of my friends said that text was mean and like a bait.

LA came over for dinner last night. When she finally understood what had happened she said, “Run. It’s been four-months. These things are not going to get any better, and in fact, she’ll just start blowing up about small things.”

Volatility combined with completely lacking any accountability with my concerns felt disrespectful. Loving connections are those in which responsibility is not deflected.

I took her stuff: ear plugs, a couple of clear rubber bands, sunscreen in addition to stuff for her dog over to her porch.

I also had figured out a way to use a sock band around her extra motion sickness device that no longer has the loop on it so it pops off. I had charged it so I could have one at my house and figured out how she could wear that as a back up. Our intention was that I always had her extra charged in my car in the event that we wound up driving somewhere.

She’s out of town camping. I just ate the expensive pass that was mine for the music and camping.

It felt great to put all that stuff on her porch.

In my haste leaving her house on Thursday night I left my cutting board. I’d also left my coffee packets and the ones that I need to send back to recycle because we were to take both of those things camping when we were at the music festival. I don’t care about those three things really. She’ll probably throw out the cheese that I had on my steak salad. I cooked for us on Thursday night. The food that I made was amazing.

I’m not a great spouse.

I’m a stellar girlfriend.

No matter how much my heart has moved, I’m not going to be in a romantic relationship with a woman who yells.

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Health

I’m a health fanatic. I watch my step count. Every week I lift, run an interval for 20-minutes, and do a cardio routine with 90 reps of hip and leg sets. I also eat fruit and vegetables and try not to eat things out of bags. I drink water and coffee and rarely drink.

I have also had only 11 sexual partners which is one of the lowest numbers that I’ve heard of with unmarried people in their 50s.

I like dating a lot. I like connection. My sex drive isn’t as such that I would engage in casual encounters. I don’t need it like I did in my 30s and love connected sex. I had two partners in my 30s who I slightly regret the speed in which we were intimate.

My jobs are trying at intervals during 10-months of the year. I have made a decision that I need to meet with my pension organization in the fall. I need to know if I have 3 or more years left. I’m tired of jugging responsibilities and these often impact my health when I’m overwhelmed. Work life balance can certainly affect all aspects of my life.

That doesn’t mean that I would tell anyone how they should do health, work and sex.

Scorpio and I had a date on Saturday. I drove to her house and brought her to my friend, Brooklyn’s house. We had a good time with her. Scorpio is very social so she likes hanging out with other people too. We had fun, connected sex that night. I took her home so she could get ready for brunch on Sunday late morning.

I didn’t hear from her again until after I’d slept about 3.5-hours.

I had texted her at 7:30 pm that I hoped that brunch was fun and that I had a wonderful 36-hours with her and that I appreciated her. That night I went to bed at 9:30 and sent the “Goodnight” text with the hug and kiss emojis. When I randomly woke up at 1, I think that what I had was a drunk text. And it included information about a threesome.

Then she was in a bad mood via text on Monday and on Tuesday. Her texting was cold. And she has to get an extraction and probably a bone graft on Wednesday, and I’m willing to take her to that appointment and get her back to her house. However, she was in a bad space and barely asking me a single question. Some was related to drinking, which she doesn’t do often. I know that some is related to the way she is impacted by my dating that I’m doing. I wasn’t sure how to bring it up last night. And I was in a hideous mood anyway (work, second date with Portland, wibbles about a threesome, and feeling behind in my giant house and yards).

I eventually asked her for an 8-second hug to see if it would reset my nervous system. It did. In fact, she continued to hold me. Later when I was putting the final touches on dinner I felt my vagus nerve reset. It hadn’t done that in a few weeks. We adjorned to her movie room and office to talk.

She said that she trusted me enough to be around me when I’m in a bad mood because she knew that I would bring it up if it had anything to do with her. I told her that unprotected penetrative sex that could lead to my contracting HPV would be something that would affect my mood. I get that was direct.

However, I didn’t deserve what happened. She cried and sometimes when she does she also yells. That feels like weaponizing tears to me. In fact, she told me that I was 1) controlling, 2) manipulative, 3) a bisexual shamer, 4) monogamous, 5) a repeat of her ex-boyfriend of 3-years, and that I needed to go fuck someone.

Last night marked the 2nd time that I have had to tell her that I don’t want empty sex.

I was so proud that although she was yelling that I said that I had not heard from her in over 9-hours and assumed brunch was that: 1-4 hours max. I told her that I sent a text saying that I had a great 36-hours with her and it was met with a threesome text. That was so off the mark. To hear nothing from her and then have something insensitive in response to my text regarding appreciating her made me feel bad.

She told me that 1-4 hours for brunch was an “assumption,” and went back to saying that we don’t have “rules,” and all kinds of other things that make me monogamous. It was so strange. And, I was done being yelled at. I said, “You’re yelling still. I don’t think that I can do this.”

She finally said, “Bye.”

After my former sister-in-law was murdered I began utilizing curriculum that is used mostly with young people (high school and college age) that helps recognize the Signs of Heathy and Unhealthy relationships. I was so glad that a colleague recommended the training to me. It took me weeks to get through it and I use it personally and at work. The curriculum is a family’s sublimation effort as a result of the murder of their daughter whose ex-boyfriend killed right before she graduated from college.

I mention it because no matter what, no one should be yelled at. I mention it too, because having my check-in text met with a flippant threesome text was hurtful and would’ve hurt anyone. Instead of acknowledging my feelings, regardless of how I brought it up, she unloaded on me. That’s not love.

I’m not going camping today or this weekend. I have very little to apologize for–I just don’t have ways to bring things up to her generally. We see each other midweek and spend weekend dates together. Our texting isn’t great, and she doesn’t like to text. She’s also not a phone call person. We’re good in person. We’re not good at conflict.

I think that if she wants to continue to spend time with me that we need to have a friendship.

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Dates

I had one via video with a woman in Seattle who I liked on April 24th. She’d have been nice to get to know better; however, I think that she didn’t have the bandwidth for any distance and probably wasn’t that into me.

I had one on Tuesday.

No.

She had a lot of piercings up her ears, dyed blond spiky hair and really dark eyes. I would say too that as soon as the Meet opened she started talking and that she said fuck within the first 5-minutes.

I say fuck.

I don’t say it on a first date unless there is a dirty vibe between the woman and I.

I told my matchmaker that I didn’t feel like our energies match.

I was able to last 45-minutes and the whole thing felt a lot like speed dating. She wore me out.

I have a date this morning from a woman with whom I matched on the app. Incidentally, this is the app upon which I met MI–who came over for dinner last night–and also Scorpio. We’re taking a community walk and she’s still on my Burner number. I don’t think that I’m physically attracted to her; however, I do want to see in person.

I have a date tomorrow back on Meet at 1:30.

I rather enjoy dating in general. I like people and love them 1-1.

On Wednesday, Scorpio and I had a double date with a friend of mine who I’d met three-years ago in a now defunct polyamorous group and one of his partners. His wife (and nesting partner and mother to his two daughters) introduced me to my ex-GF. I used to attend a women’s discussion group that I really enjoyed and my buddy’s wife led it. She and I had a blow up and my ex-GF made me write her a letter a few months later. I wasn’t going to apologize yet did say that we had a misunderstanding. I’ll have to be cool with her and would NEVER trust her.

Anyway.

Scorpio and my buddy had a ton in common. They’d both been to Love Burn and were familiar with the same camps. They were giving me a hard time generally, which is something I really enjoy. My buddy’s partner can be a lot but she was fairly subdued. The first time that I met her she really turned me off. Then my buddy’s wife had a birthday party at a Hibachi and her GF was late so we were delayed, and she and I wound up talking. I enjoyed her. I learned during this double date that she doesn’t hear very well. That made her presentation in the discussion group make a ton of sense.

Back to the date.

We ate Thai in a restaurant between his house and my house and Scorpio got there via Uber. Then we went to a bar, but it was hot in there, there weren’t any seats available and there were SERIOUS hockey fans watching playoff games. So we went to another bar, I drank club soda, and then we all played pinball. It was super fun. Scorpio has that semi-bad girl vibe and she went out to the patio to get a little high. We all talked, met some people on the patio and then called it a night. We’ll go to mini golf and bumper cars together next month. I’m glad to have them because they’re poly too.

I think that this summer is going to be wonderful. I leave for my solo vacation in about 25-days and have plans with Scorpio to camp at a festival next weekend. For these next five weeks of spring and throughout the summer, I want to go on as many dates as possible. Hopefully, my two this weekend (which don’t include time with Scorpio) are wonderful.