Tag Archives: Life

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Knowledge

The woman who eventually fell in love with me, who I took home from a bar one night in 2009, had the Latin phrase know thyself on one of her thighs tattooed. I’m not sure how that shook out for her. She almost drank herself to death. She has a new liver and doesn’t engage with me at all anymore.

I know myself well.

I have also made so much progress with respect to what I want in my romantic relationships.

I have learned lessons that I apply to my dating and also my love relationships.

I read the Substack “Decolonizing Love.” There was a quiz on it–that I understand fully isn’t normative–that I took to see if I would test in the realm of Solo Poly. I didn’t.

Looking at it, I agree that I am mostly autonomous, and can still show up for partners who need some help from me or like it when I take the wheel to plan dates. Apparently, I’m not solidly autonomous, so I am maybe less solo than I think.

My main problem with monogamy is that I think it’s typically something that makes sense when you’re raising kids and when you are doing something that is status quo. I prefer to reflect on my decisions and choices to determine if they are ones that I am engaging in of my own free will.

There is also no way that a single romantic partner could meet all of my needs.

Scorpio was a great travel partner.

Given her heavy THC usage, she was nowhere near athletic enough to meet my adventuring needs.

I want to hike for miles and get better at climbing.

I need another partner to fill that order.

Frankly, I want partners period and am super single atm.

The last thing included on this test are ideas about sex.

I’ll be 52 at the end of summer and I’ve never had a STI. I’m going to keep it that way if I’m able. Sexual health matters as much as my step count and athletic abilities.

There is a massive difference between polyamory and promiscuity. And the latter involves a gamble for me too.

Related to my expressions of polyamory is that I’m probably demisexual. I need a massive emotional connection and pull to get naked with a woman. Until now, I had not realized how much I prefer being love or being soul-level connected to a woman to have sex with her.

In this moment, I’m trying to ensure that this painful end that I had 12-days ago is one in which I can find lessons in resilience.

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Friendships

I had this impressive student in 2015-2016. He’s now a licensed psychologist. Last night he and I walked around a couple of parks and then the trail by the creek and had Mexican food at a Taqueria. We’re friends now because he’s done with school and we both want to stay in touch. He’s 14-years younger than me.

He had a really bad breakup. He told me about it two-weeks ago.

I told him my whole story.

He was horrified.

I asked if he like the piece about my being “fake.” And he said, “You’re a lot of things, and fake isn’t one of them.”

It is true that I’m direct. To a fault. I also have to be really careful so I’m not sharp.

I got good at being gentle with my ex-GF.

I know that I was as kind as I could be with Scorpio and my worries about her threesome.

He thought reading that in a text was inappropriate and extremely hurtful.

We hung out for two-hours. Here was his text:

“Home safe and doing laundry. Thanks for a great convo and meal together. My heart is heavy for you and all you’ve had to endure or be subjected to–it’s not fair and it’s not right. But, I’m also struck by your awareness, resolve and unwillingness to tolerate bullshit. You’re amazing.”

I have lived so many days more than the ones that I have left. I don’t want volatility, belittling, communication that is gamey and can’t deal with deflecting responsibility.

Unless something happens again, I think that I have laid to rest the topic of Scorpio’s and my four-months together.

I’m lucky.

I don’t want to wash myself clean of her. I don’t regret meeting her. She was fun, funny, passionate and great to be around. We had some amazing travels. We laughed so hard. Just because we don’t have healthy conflict, and she hasn’t treated her demons and mood, it doesn’t mean that I want to vilify her. I wish her peace.

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Rage

I had a weak moment after I left the gym having done the adductor, abductor, elliptical for 20-minutes and then the leg press yesterday morning.

I called the author.

I had some tears and told her that I was practically sitting on my hands because I wanted to see how Scorpio’s tooth extraction went.

She said, “And you won’t do that.”

I knew that she was right, and I knew that she was the perfect person to call so I wouldn’t do that.

We talked for probably half-an-hour on the phone. I finally went in the grocery store and then it ensued.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, texts started coming through from Scorpio.

I was called an “evil cunt.” I was told “fuck you bitch” more times than I have heard across a lifetime raising my son. It was vitriol like I have never seen.

I held firm that because we don’t have healthy conflict, we can’t do anything.

She said that she regretted meeting me and that she wishes she could wash me away from her body. She said that she shouldn’t have trusted me with her body and heart.

Scorpio said that I better worry if she ever sees me again.

I texted that engaging in this much negativity wasn’t good for her. I texted that I don’t return this level of anger or name calling.

My hands shook for awhile texting her back, and then I just called Hockey when I got to the car because she had an hour-long drive and wound up staying on the phone with her while Scorpio continued to blow up my phone. I was folding laundry and using my Pixel Buds and I could see the flashes of texts coming through the whole time.

I only had a half-day off from work, so I wound up going into work and after I had just cleared her messages that continued to come in, so soon after she started calling me. She must have called me ten times total. I texted that I was at work.

She said that I needed to go meet with my Boss and tell him that I abandoned her today and didn’t help.

I texted that he knew that and I’d met with him yesterday.

Because she has a specific ring tone (chimes), it kept ringing and I had two clients for group, so I powered off my phone. 2-hours later when I turned it back on I had 30 unread texts from her. She called at least twice more. The last one that I can see in our thread is 🖕🏻

Scorpio doesn’t like to text. Apparently when she’s mad enough she is able to send over 200 of them.

I called my best friend, I called Brooklyn, I had an appointment to talk with my friend who runs a polyamorous discussion group who’s a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW), I spoke briefly with the author again, and I talked with Hockey for an hour last night. Although when my best friend called I was talking with LCSW, she and I will talk sometime soon. I made a walking date with the Realtor. Portland also reached out yesterday again, and this time she made a phone date for Saturday.

When I write this part of the account down I recall Scorpio texting, “You deserve to be alone like I do.” I simply texted, “I am not alone.”

I’m not.

And yesterday solidified that I made the right decision returning her things on Friday morning. She is so unwell. Scorpio is the eternal victim.

I have to leave her unread going forward and won’t answer her calls. If she ever leaves a message, I’ll have a friend delete it. I don’t block her because that seems limiting. She can have her process. My hope is that someday she gets professional help (Reading self-help books are a start; however, you don’t pay anyone to challenge your thinking errors in that scenario.) and make amends with everyone with whom she has been volatile while accepting no accountability.

I wish her well.

The nice thing is that I’m no longer in love.

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Common Denominator

If you are abandoned by friends of many years, have really short stints of dating boyfriends, or have to mass remove people from your friends on Facebook, you should probably examine your role in conflict.

It takes two people to fight.

I don’t engage when a woman is yelling. I just listen. If she is yelling at me, it’s my job to listen. When it doesn’t abate, it’s my job to point out the yelling.

Name calling is never productive.

My ex-GF and I never called each other names.

My ex-wife criticized me, definitely called me names, attacked my character and generally gave me feedback about how I was failing everyone around me.

I won’t sign up for designated asshole in any of my romantic relationships going forward.

My Boss checked in with me yesterday because he was out Thursday and Friday given that he’s in an elite fellowship through Columbia University and had classes last week. He wasn’t at work until Tuesday. He wanted to make sure that I was ok after I had my ass handed to me during a restraint. Scorpio was to get an extraction today and maybe a bone graft too, so he asked how my partner was as well.

I told him that I had to break up with her. He seemed shocked. I said that she yells during conflicts and I can’t manage that. He’s an 8–I would bet all my pension on it–and so he said, “You can’t do this job everyday and deal with crazy at home.”

I told him that I don’t live with anyone and won’t ever again.

It’s not that I’m sitting around regretting the decision that I made.

It’s not that I don’t love her or that she doesn’t still have space in my heart.

A reader wrote recently on an entry that she may be afraid to love.

I think that’s possible.

I also think that it’s possible that she’s never learned how to fight right.

With an 8 (like me) and a 4 (like her) you have to learn how to not react at the same time. Both types are reactive for different reasons.

I didn’t react on Thursday. I simply asked her when she wanted to deal with this difference of opinion regarding going dark, leaving my texts seemingly unread, and getting into contact late at night or early in the morning on Monday by texting about her threesome.

My being hurt doesn’t make me controlling, manipulative or does it make her have to check in with me every three seconds when she is partying with her friends. That’s strange conflation and leaves my feelings completely unacknowledged. She said some odd things to me on Thursday night, and I still wonder if that was the THC.

It’s been 6-days. I’ll keep doing what I always do and that’s try to make sense of what happened. Regardless, I’m the one who decided to break up with her, and so I shouldn’t be surprised that she attacked. She is after all: Scorpio. Seems related to going dark and then having a threesome.

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Nope

Scorpio sent a one word response to me as it pertained to my emailed request for her to stop writing mean comments on my Instagram and talk in person. It was “Nope.” And, really, that’s the same as “Bye.” The latter is the last thing that she said when I told her that I didn’t think that I could do this on Thursday night.

What cold last words to say to someone who loved you. And someone who still is in love with you.

My lesson gathered is to be entirely direct after a few dates with how I want to fight and how a partner wants to fight. I have reached my life quota of being yelled at as I round the corner to 52.

The name calling and hairpin trigger was too much too.

I think that I used to have a bad temper. Now, I can get stern and that approach is part of my work with clients when I need to set an efficient limit. I certainly do the same thing with my son when he’s being rude.

I don’t yell.

I certainly don’t call anyone names.

I think that when I was with my ex-GF I became adept at examining my part in conflicts.

With the other conflict that Scorpio and I had, I understood my part. We had to talk about it several times. We landed in a good place too. Reflecting on it, I was mostly at fault there.

I had to accept that she wanted a partner at her friend’s birthday party. Those things are not my jam, and I did it because I love her.

I’m not sure how to talk to someone who yells and calls me names. I think that’s ok for me to talk about directly with subsequent dates. I also think that if I’m with another yeller, I need to state clearly that is fine–I know that you can’t change people–but if she begins yelling, I will ask once if she can gather herself to talk without a raised voice. I will say that if the yelling ramps up again that I don’t think it’s productive. I’ll leave.

When people yell because it involves a lot to get that revved up, I think that they also say things that they don’t completely mean. Scorpio said several things to me on Thursday night that were in anger I am sure. What’s she’s hung onto and now has as a belief is that I’m a liar. That’s not friendship material either.

I think too that given that she’s pretty high every night it’s difficult to tell what is THC and what is her true approach when she’s mad at a partner.

Although it will take me some time, and I may never be fully out of love with her, it’s best that I don’t contact her at all. So, I won’t.

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IG

I was ok yesterday until I got to the grocery store and then I had massive anxiety. I texted Hockey. When I got out of the store with my refilled water and bought fish oil, I popped on email and she’d declined meeting my best friend on Tuesday. I had a calendar notice. I thought that was the root of my anxiety–that I felt a shift.

I didn’t know until 7:00 pm or so that was barely the beginning.

I’m intuitive. I can feel things. It wasn’t a declining of an appointment.

Scorpio gone on my Instagram and written 3 comments about me on our two posts. One said that our Valentine’s Weekend was all based on lies and my being unhealthy in relationship. Another said that I was using her for sexual experiences and was planning on dumping her. The other said, “You’re a bullshite (sic.) and love bomber” and some other things that were mean. Consequently, I found out how to hide comments on Instagram. If she continues this behavior on my posts, I will block her. I wrote an email shortly afterward:

Scorpio,

I just popped on IG–been doing yard work since yesterday.  I would prefer not to have intense things on that platform.  Seems like making things public that are private.  That doesn’t feel great.  Can you refrain from that and we could maybe talk in person?  Thank you for your consideration.

Love,

TomBoy

I can’t understand laying into someone that you were crazy about and whom when you were back with her after a couple of days was reminded how incredible your connection and just holding each other felt. I’m hurt too and Thursday night felt awful and then I was immediately feeling a bit better when I walked out of her place. The thing that felt the worse was seeing her dog with his back to me looking down her hallway. He could sense all of it, and was probably simply really glad that she’d finally stopped yelling altogether.

Scorpio needs individual therapy. Yelling at someone during conflict, and continuing it when the person has asked you to stop, is never ok. Nor is continuing this intense and volatile behavior. The author told me that I simply needed to just feel my feelings and not dwell on why she’s behaving in this matter because I’ll never understand it or even know what is behind it. Regardless, this manner of attack isn’t reserved for me. Going forward as she attempts close, loving connections in lieu of casual encounters, she’ll have to examine the way in which she has conflict or she’ll continue these cycles of jettisoning opportunities for lasting love.

I’m still in love with her too. She has my heart and I don’t know when that will shift, if ever.

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Fallout

I had to admit to Hockey last night that I do like to fight sometimes.

Relationships can become stagnant and conflict is inevitable.

If people are being their authentic and whole selves, they will disagree with you occasionally. Things you do will impact them in ways that wouldn’t impact you similarly. It’s also possible to have different feelings, emotions, and sometimes reactions.

I know that elicited a couple fights I was with my ex-GF because she is just so neutral about everything. Scorpio sent me an IG last week which referenced an article about Botox which related to my ex’s presentation and how she is in relationship. When you paralyze your face with a neurotoxin you’re not able to express yourself normally, which in turn affects internalizing and externalizing behaviors. That made sense. Botox would naturally blunt you and also restrict your range of expression. It also curbs your need for sex. All the information checked out.

Yesterday at work I had to restrain a client which always sucks. He also got me in the mouth (busted lip) and when I was turning his body he got a huge handful of my hair, I was able to release his fingers and get him fully turned; however, he popped me really good in the nose before I had him contained. My blood was everywhere. He got really upset and began crying harder. I was really glad to have had 4-hours of personal leave which would’ve been used for driving to the music festival to camp with Scorpio.

I did a ton of yardwork. Talked to Hockey on the phone. And also texted Brooklyn who immediately called me when I told her about the restraint. The latter was pretty gross because I spit out blood clots until about 4 pm or so yesterday. Hockey is as she always is–supportive. Brooklyn said, “I’m going to get all witchy Italian on you right now.” She wanted to tell me what she noticed on Saturday night.

“Ok.”

“When you opened those cookies and we asked where you’d gotten them and you said that your morning date baked them, she visibly reacted. It was on her face and in her body.”

“That’s surprising. I’ve been dating for probably six weeks. And when I sent her a couple of kind texts on Sunday night when she was at ‘brunch’ and it was met with ‘goodnight sweetie I had a threesome situation xxooxx.'”

“She’s not poly.”

“She’s had waaaaay more experience with all types of polyamory than I have. And I just move slow on the sex piece.”

“Her threesome, and the text was retaliatory.”

“How come I’m the one who’s controlling, manipulative, monogamous and need to go fuck someone?”

“I’m telling you, when the cookies came out, she was affected. That should be a lead in in your writing.”

“I think that when the cookies came out, I became monogamous.”

We had a good laugh about that one and when we hung up I kept working on the side path in my front yard to remove weeds out of the bricks and was laughing out loud like a lunatic. I texted Brooklyn later about that I’m sure that my neighbors think that I’m a lunatic laughing loudly to myself and she texted, “The best thing about being Italian is being a lunatic.”

Maybe all of her behaviors–her silence, her insensitive text, some of her cursory and scant texts for the next two days–were all designed to provoke a reaction in me.

I will say that when I found out exactly what the encounter was I said, “That’s nothing! That wouldn’t put me at risk for anything either.”

And it’s not. But, it’s not something to text. It’s not a phone call conversation either. She should have spoken to me about it and told me that she had some romance / intimacy and that she’d like to speak with me.

I tell her every time that I have a date. And she has some kinda feelings about me not getting intimate right away with dates. I don’t want to do that. In fact, I probably wouldn’t have slept with her on date three if we hadn’t been out of town. I do move slow. The point of it is that it wasn’t about sex, it was about timing and tact. She was tactless.

Instead of speaking to me with appropriate volume, she just spent at least 10-minutes yelling.

I grew up in a house full of yelling. My ex-wife was volatile and reactive. She would yell and also slam things. One time she threw something down the stairs and damaged the paint.

I’m not going to do any volatility anymore. I also think that adults should be able to acknowledge raising their voices and say, “Let’s talk another time.”

I’m resolved.

In addition to being volatile, she was out of control. I think that she engaged in behavior all afternoon through the end of the night on Sunday to sabotage our relationship.

That is a bummer too. We had a wonderful connection and I am in love with her.

Scorpio’s accusations landed in a manner which felt belittling. I’m not any of those things that she said, and my concern was about my two kind texts being met with the goodnight I was in a threesome bit. I’m entitled to my feelings no matter what. And all three of my friends said that text was mean and like a bait.

LA came over for dinner last night. When she finally understood what had happened she said, “Run. It’s been four-months. These things are not going to get any better, and in fact, she’ll just start blowing up about small things.”

Volatility combined with completely lacking any accountability with my concerns felt disrespectful. Loving connections are those in which responsibility is not deflected.

I took her stuff: ear plugs, a couple of clear rubber bands, sunscreen in addition to stuff for her dog over to her porch.

She’s out of town camping. I just ate the expensive pass that was mine for the music and camping.

I also had figured out a way to use a sock band around her extra motion sickness device that no longer has the loop on it so it pops off. I had charged it so I could have one at my house and figured out how she could wear that as a back up. Our intention was that I always had her extra charged in my car in the event that we wound up driving somewhere.

It felt great to put all that stuff on her porch.

In my haste leaving her house on Thursday night I left my cutting board. I’d also left my coffee packets and the ones that I need to send back to recycle because we were to take both of those things camping when we were at the music festival. I don’t care about those three things really. She’ll probably throw out the cheese that I had on my steak salad. I cooked for us on Thursday night. The food that I made was amazing.

I’m not a great spouse.

I’m a stellar girlfriend.

No matter how much my heart has moved, I’m not going to be in a romantic relationship with a woman who yells.

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Health

I’m a health fanatic. I watch my step count. Every week I lift, run an interval for 20-minutes, and do a cardio routine with 90 reps of hip and leg sets. I also eat fruit and vegetables and try not to eat things out of bags. I drink water and coffee and rarely drink.

I have also had only 11 sexual partners which is one of the lowest numbers that I’ve heard of with unmarried people in their 50s.

I like dating a lot. I like connection. My sex drive isn’t as such that I would engage in casual encounters. I don’t need it like I did in my 30s and love connected sex. I had two partners in my 30s who I slightly regret the speed in which we were intimate.

My jobs are trying at intervals during 10-months of the year. I have made a decision that I need to meet with my pension organization in the fall. I need to know if I have 3 or more years left. I’m tired of jugging responsibilities and these often impact my health when I’m overwhelmed. Work life balance can certainly affect all aspects of my life.

That doesn’t mean that I would tell anyone how they should do health, work and sex.

Scorpio and I had a date on Saturday. I drove to her house and brought her to my friend, Brooklyn’s house. We had a good time with her. Scorpio is very social so she likes hanging out with other people too. We had fun, connected sex that night. I took her home so she could get ready for brunch on Sunday late morning.

I didn’t hear from her again until after I’d slept about 3.5-hours.

I had texted her at 7:30 pm that I hoped that brunch was fun and that I had a wonderful 36-hours with her and that I appreciated her. That night I went to bed at 9:30 and sent the “Goodnight” text with the hug and kiss emojis. When I randomly woke up at 1, I think that what I had was a drunk text. And it included information about a threesome.

Then she was in a bad mood via text on Monday and on Tuesday. Her texting was cold. And she has to get an extraction and probably a bone graft on Wednesday, and I’m willing to take her to that appointment and get her back to her house. However, she was in a bad space and barely asking me a single question. Some was related to drinking, which she doesn’t do often. I know that some is related to the way she is impacted by my dating that I’m doing. I wasn’t sure how to bring it up last night. And I was in a hideous mood anyway (work, second date with Portland, wibbles about a threesome, and feeling behind in my giant house and yards).

I eventually asked her for an 8-second hug to see if it would reset my nervous system. It did. In fact, she continued to hold me. Later when I was putting the final touches on dinner I felt my vagus nerve reset. It hadn’t done that in a few weeks. We adjorned to her movie room and office to talk.

She said that she trusted me enough to be around me when I’m in a bad mood because she knew that I would bring it up if it had anything to do with her. I told her that unprotected penetrative sex that could lead to my contracting HPV would be something that would affect my mood. I get that was direct.

However, I didn’t deserve what happened. She cried and sometimes when she does she also yells. That feels like weaponizing tears to me. In fact, she told me that I was 1) controlling, 2) manipulative, 3) a bisexual shamer, 4) monogamous, 5) a repeat of her ex-boyfriend of 3-years, and that I needed to go fuck someone.

Last night marked the 2nd time that I have had to tell her that I don’t want empty sex.

I was so proud that although she was yelling that I said that I had not heard from her in 9-hours and assumed brunch was that: 1-4 hours max. I told her that I sent a text saying that I had a great 36-hours with her and it was met with a threesome text. That was so off the mark. To hear nothing from her and then have something insensitive in response to my text regarding appreciating her made me feel bad.

She told me that 1-4 hours for brunch was an “assumption,” and went back to saying that we don’t have “rules,” and all kinds of other things that make me monogamous. It was so strange. And, I was done being yelled at. I said, “You’re yelling still. I don’t think that I can do this.”

She finally said, “Bye.”

After my former sister-in-law was murdered I began utilizing curriculum that is used mostly with young people (high school and college age) that helps recognize the Signs of Heathy and Unhealthy relationships. I was so glad that a colleague recommended the training to me. It took me weeks to get through it and I use it personally and at work. The curriculum is a family’s sublimation effort as a result of the murder of their daughter whose ex-boyfriend killed right before she graduated from college.

I mention it because no matter what, no one should be yelled at. I mention it too, because having my check-in text met with a flippant threesome text was hurtful and would’ve hurt anyone. Instead of acknowledging my feelings, regardless of how I brought it up, she unloaded on me. That’s not love.

I’m not going camping today or this weekend. I have very little to apologize for–I just don’t have ways to bring things up to her generally. We see each other midweek and spend weekend dates together. Our texting isn’t great, and she doesn’t like to text. She’s also not a phone call person. We’re good in person. We’re not good at conflict.

I think that if she wants to continue to spend time with me that we need to have a friendship.

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Dates

I had one via video with a woman in Seattle who I liked on April 24th. She’d have been nice to get to know better; however, I think that she didn’t have the bandwidth for any distance and probably wasn’t that into me.

I had one on Tuesday.

No.

She had a lot of piercings up her ears, dyed blond spiky hair and really dark eyes. I would say too that as soon as the Meet opened she started talking and that she said fuck within the first 5-minutes.

I say fuck.

I don’t say it on a first date unless there is a dirty vibe between the woman and I.

I told my matchmaker that I didn’t feel like our energies match.

I was able to last 45-minutes and the whole thing felt a lot like speed dating. She wore me out.

I have a date this morning from a woman with whom I matched on the app. Incidentally, this is the app upon which I met MI–who came over for dinner last night–and also Scorpio. We’re taking a community walk and she’s still on my Burner number. I don’t think that I’m physically attracted to her; however, I do want to see in person.

I have a date tomorrow back on Meet at 1:30.

I rather enjoy dating in general. I like people and love them 1-1.

On Wednesday, Scorpio and I had a double date with a friend of mine who I’d met three-years ago in a now defunct polyamorous group and one of his partners. His wife (and nesting partner and mother to his two daughters) introduced me to my ex-GF. I used to attend a women’s discussion group that I really enjoyed and my buddy’s wife led it. She and I had a blow up and my ex-GF made me write her a letter a few months later. I wasn’t going to apologize yet did say that we had a misunderstanding. I’ll have to be cool with her and would NEVER trust her.

Anyway.

Scorpio and my buddy had a ton in common. They’d both been to Love Burn and were familiar with the same camps. They were giving me a hard time generally, which is something I really enjoy. My buddy’s partner can be a lot but she was fairly subdued. The first time that I met her she really turned me off. Then my buddy’s wife had a birthday party at a Hibachi and her GF was late so we were delayed, and she and I wound up talking. I enjoyed her. I learned during this double date that she doesn’t hear very well. That made her presentation in the discussion group make a ton of sense.

Back to the date.

We ate Thai in a restaurant between his house and my house and Scorpio got there via Uber. Then we went to a bar, but it was hot in there, there weren’t any seats available and there were SERIOUS hockey fans watching playoff games. So we went to another bar, I drank club soda, and then we all played pinball. It was super fun. Scorpio has that semi-bad girl vibe and she went out to the patio to get a little high. We all talked, met some people on the patio and then called it a night. We’ll go to mini golf and bumper cars together next month. I’m glad to have them because they’re poly too.

I think that this summer is going to be wonderful. I leave for my solo vacation in about 25-days and have plans with Scorpio to camp at a festival next weekend. For these next five weeks of spring and throughout the summer, I want to go on as many dates as possible. Hopefully, my two this weekend (which don’t include time with Scorpio) are wonderful.

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Connection

On Saturday, we were led in a walking mediation through the forest to a large labyrinth while our leader hit a hand drum in unison with the group members’ footfalls.

Incidentally, I was married in a different labyrinth in 2014.

This one covered about half the length of a football field and had soft sand throughout it.

I took my shoes off near a fallen tree and Scorpio and I noticed at the same time red ants all over it. We both moved our shoes.

Everyone walked the labyrinth until we stopped and sat. My bare feet felt so good in the warm sand.

I sat with my legs crossed as best as I can with my injuries to my back and missing the cartilage in my left knee.

Our guide led us through a walk to water wherein ourselves, our child, and our future selves played with other children from our group and made connection with the present moment. Toward the end we acknowledged our future forms. During the time in which she encouraged us to play with other children in our minds, the wind blew across all of us. (It felt as if she’d called in the wind.)

Our other guide had five quartz sound bowls and she walked the labyrinth slowly striking them after the mediation had been completed. The sound traveled through the circle and through our bodies. We all heard hummingbirds moving through the circle with the sound.

I’m not sure how long this mediation was. Time wasn’t important. I didn’t take pictures because I didn’t have my cell phone. In fact, I didn’t check it very much at all for most of the four days. This mediation and sound bowl healing connected me more to Scorpio and ensured that I had belonging with her friends.

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It’s not you

It is though.

And, I think it’s my webcam.

I had a good videoconference date on Tuesday night. That night is almost always off the table ten months out of the year, so I made it for 8:30 my time with a woman in Seattle.

We had reciprocal conversation. We went deep.

She had a GORGEOUS smile and was charming. Sweet and kind. Seemed to have her life on lock. And she was neutral about seeing me face-to-face. I knew it when I didn’t get any feedback for a couple of days.

It finally came in my inbox rather than through a call.

I was told that she found me down to earth, smart, curious, open, and easy to talk to, and that she enjoyed getting to know me. She spoke very warmly about the conversation and shared that this truly was not about anything missing in me or anything “wrong” with the connection itself. Ultimately, she shared that the hesitation came more from her own life positioning than from the date. In short: this was much more about timing and personal bandwidth than lack of appreciation.

The only thing that I can remember her saying to me in the first few minutes of our conversation was that she had written her bio “ages ago.” I was wondering why she still had it posted and agreed to a date?

Anyway, I don’t love my webcam. It zeroes in on my pores and age lines… The guy who took my passport picture in the fall told me not to smile because it makes people look like the Joker.

So, when I can’t get a phone call–being honest here that my voice is likely one of the best assets that I have–I’ll play with the Logi Options software that I’ve just downloaded.

3 dates to go.

Shitty, built-in webcams are more forgiving

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Compersion

When I was married to my ex-wife sometimes we ate dinner and watched tv with her mother and her mother’s boyfriend. I’ve saved a video at my former mother-in-law’s house that makes me happy to watch wherein we were packing up to leave and everyone was making my dog howl while my ex-wife’s dog was running around. I was happy and you can see that on my face.

We also had game nights that we hosted or they would host.

I like those things because they have a purpose that is specific.

They also end in a couple of hours.

My ex-GF said that she initially found me confusing as she met me in a discussion group and I played kickball and bowled. Yes, these things are social. Yes, I am really best 1-1 with people and not into socializing if it’s outside of a specific activity. Yes, I prefer to go home and sleep after being social.

Again, discussions and sports are specific.

They end.

Even family reunions end. My mother had 124 first and second cousins because her father was from a family of 13 kids and her mother was from a family of 6 kids. Family reunions were enormous. Because they were so enormous, you could step away with a cousin and talk, climb trees or throw catalpa seeds through broken windows. (Ha.)

Scorpio and I went to a panel regarding energy problems facing our country on Thursday. Then we had dinner reservations. She talked to me about feeling guilty about the long birthday party. I told her that she shouldn’t, and that when she promised that we’d debrief the whole thing and she wouldn’t automatically break up with me if I was really quiet or socially awkward there, that I was fine with going. That didn’t make her feel any better.

I told her that I need 7-10 hours of sleep at a stretch. I’m not a napper unless I’m sick because they give me headaches. I can’t wear ear plugs because I’m full of wax generally. I just am not a partier. I never have been either. I wasn’t in college.

Scorpio is getting to know me and she accepts me. She wants to be a teammate. I’ve never had someone want that with me.

My ex-husband thought that I was a unicorn. He told me once, “I think that you’re a practical genius.” It was more like finding me odd. We weren’t on the same team.

My ex-wife was mad at me for how much I worked. She would throw my doctorate and years of schooling in my face in and outside of fights that we had. We fought and didn’t resolve anything.

Scorpio simply asked me, “Why do you work so much?”

I told her that I’m a good employee and that everything with the exception of my book, some training, and testing that is minimal my other jobs pay into my pension which will pay out (I told her how much.) monthly until I die. I also really like my work. I have 3-7 years left and then I’m getting a different license altogether and will see clients in my Zoom office that I’ve had since the pandemic or will see in person clients in my best friend’s practice office. I don’t want more than 10 clients either. I’m getting too old for 45-hour workweeks.

I don’t pass judgment on anyone who isn’t a workhorse. I simply am one.

My socializing has discrete beginning, middle and end points.

Yesterday, when I was in the shower, I realized that this birthday party is how I’m doing compersion.

It’s not about me.

It’s about her having a romantic partner there who is watching her have joy and connection.

I know that several of her lovers are at this party too.

I want her to have a good time the entire time that we’re there. And I know she likes that she has me as her touchdown.

Like me, Scorpio has gotten really used to being the only non-married person who’s with her friends. Shit, I was like that the last time that I was ACTUALLY married! My former mother-in-law moved out-of-state when my ex-wife and I had been married about 2-years. My ex-wife didn’t really have a friend group that was substantial. She is much more family oriented.

On the grounds at the party there are hikes, board games in the main lodge, ability to rent kayaks, and mountains in this area. I need to find a way in which to structure my time to have specific activities. I’ll bring two books and my nature journal. It will be weird to not be able to blog, but I have to wait to do that on my solo vacations.

This birthday party will also end. I want to be less scared of being in a vulnerable position. That’s something that I always have to work on as a continuous process.

I'm scared of heights, so I climb. I'm scared of not being in control, so I do things that are somewhat unplanned.
Camping before being on a rope team. Solo activity that I did with a group when I was married last.
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Two?

Work is very trying.

It’s so hot and everything is burning up in the sun.

Thankfully, I drank valerian tea, talked to my OG BFF who I met on an app, and dosed two Z strain.

Mellow.

Happy.

Moments of clarity.

I took a late walk with the Realtor yesterday and we caught up. I don’t think that there will ever be a time in which after we spend time together that I am not given pause afterward. I find myself simply wondering if we’ll ever be romantic. We tell each other everything. We have a good connection and have known each other 6-years. We respect each other. And there is still some level of chemistry, which, at times, is sometimes much more fiery. The last time it was like that was when she had just started dating her current partner. She was running her hands up and down my arms and back and griping onto me. A friend who was there said that it looked as if she should probably just leave us alone. Anyway, we had a great catch up yesterday and know now that we can have a rhythm of seeing each other for a walk when I’m working due to the location of my building for my day job.

She hasn’t met Scorpio. My best friend hasn’t either. (The Realtor and my best friend own a flower farm.) I told her about how we met, how we have progressed, and how we resolved a conflict. I am super proud of the latter. I’m also thankful to my ex-GF that I began learning how to do that when she and I were dating. Now, I’m getting really good at it, which will make me a better friend, supports work in my industry, and also impacts my ability to be a better romantic partner.

I told the Realtor that I can’t establish concurrently.

Scorpio said that was due to new relationship energy (NRE), and I don’t agree.

NRE could have some impact.

However, it’s due to my needing to go so fully deep with someone and all in initially. I need to understand.

Now, I’m open to a second.

I’m also open to guest star arrangements if they make sense, and wouldn’t hustle for that.

Those would have to be if someone approached me and Scorpio when we were out, or if Scorpio wanted to arrange a threesome of her own accord.

Tomorrow afternoon during my lunch I meet with my new matchmaker via Google Meet. I’ll miss my old one. However, I’ll need to let her know what I’m looking for. Thus, writing this morning.

  1. Honest
  2. Outdoorsy or someone who is athletic
  3. Wants to move slowly and intentionally
  4. Smart
  5. Great sense of humor

At this point, I’m also open to new friendships initially. I think that romance, for me anyway, could grow from friendship. However, I wouldn’t want to explore romance with someone with whom isn’t honest. I’ve succumbed to that when I was confused about a long period of breakup. The CEO and I did make up / breakup for about two years, and then I wound up sleeping with the little liar. I learned a lot about timing in relationship and think that now I’ve experienced a master class in Avoidant Attachment via my relationship with the CEO.

I think that my preference is to date women who are mostly of the Secure Attachment style too.

Generally, I want to only spend my time with people of high quality.

I’ve lived more days than I have left.

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Drill down

My mentor introduced me to the work of Susan Scott and I use her work today. Over the weekend, and it took us talking about it 3-4 times again, Scorpio and I drilled down to the root of our problem.

It’s not about sex.

It’s not about objectification.

It’s about her feeling like she and I are a team.

She said that we have the ability to figure anything out and get creative.

In a Mineral Rights Conversation (Scott) is used when you have to think of the good of a group and an ideal outcome for your relationship.

One of Scorpio’s best friends is having a camp themed birthday party in the woods in three weeks.

When I learned that our first night of connecting alone was off of the table, I didn’t want to go at all.

That was met with sadness and anger.

I liked it when she named both of her emotions and also told me that I was acting like a baby. There wasn’t anything disingenuous about her approach and I love the way in which she deals with things so head-on. I also think that I was getting all worked up in an unhealthy fashion.

Describe a tough conversation that you’ve had in which you challenged your own thinking directly through having the ability to consider fully yours and another’s reality.

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Control

If my Enneagram isn’t referred to as the Protector or the Boss, it’s referred to as the Controller. Does it logically follow that I am controlling? I will tell you that I don’t like to be controlled.

Last night my new friend who has become like a BFF to me and Scorpio went to the Discussion Group that I’ve been going to for about 3-years. (The Women’s one in which I’d met my ex-GF has disbanded alongside that parent group.) We had a dinner before and yet had to move our plates into the discussion room as we weren’t done yet.

The discussion was good. I only contributed to a question regarding when you’re in a long-term relationship staying sexual. I think that conversation about what you’re dreaming about or where you see yourself is a good springboard for getting frisky. I probably should have said doing that laying down or holding hands when having this conversation would be best. Otherwise, I listened in on having new relationship energy (NRE) for things rather than people and having boundaries with your partners when you are experiencing life stress.

I was glad that someone introduced the last topic.

I felt like I had to bundle HBO and Max with my Disney and Hulu account. If I could dip out of work today I’d binge “The Dark Wizard.” I couldn’t just add those services for whatever reason and had to make a new password.

Then, I realized that I had to text my ex-GF. She uses my Disney for her daughter. Disney doesn’t really have rules and you can add accounts, so my son (who lives with me) and her daughter use the Disney that I pay for. I think that her daughter mostly uses it for watching the same scenes in “Moana.”

I wasn’t sure how to introduce this password change with her. So I sent a text:

“I added HBO and Max to _______’s and my account for Hulu and Disney and it didn’t allow the old password when I added these to the bundle. The new password is ___________ .”

A few hours later she texted, “Thank you!” so I put a thumbs up on that text.

She doesn’t respect my boundaries. In fact, because I have them and won’t text about loving her, took two months off from contacting her after she broke up with me, and generally don’t want to see her regularly, she texted that I am cold and have no concern for anyone’s wellbeing except my own. That’s her narrative which is fine. You can’t control anyone’s narrative or should you want to do so. People think what they want about you.

I think that boundaries are personal. And when someone has to attack your character or call you names when you have them instead of approaching you from a place of curiosity or even expresses disagreeing with your decision, you don’t need to have contact with the person.

Conversely, Scorpio made conversation with my friend, was charming and affectionate, met hew people and quietly engaged by her presence in group last night. Except for being water signs in their sun sign, they have nothing in common.

I went to this discussion group one time with my ex-GF and it was fine yet not connected. That’s how we are now. Fine and have no connection.

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Jenga

Scorpio came over for dinner last night. I think that we’ll see each other on Sunday. We talked about some things that we need to address and landed in a good place.

I have plans on Friday night and need to do yard work on Saturday if the weather holds. I’m going to text my son later today and see if he’ll give me an hour of his time for help.

Saturday, Scorpio has a birthday party out of town with her friend group. I didn’t even have to tell that I’m not into group things if they don’t have an efficient end. She’s so intuitive that she explained understanding the difference between a local party, one out of town and a whole weekend. I may or may not participate in a weekend party for one of her friends in early May. I’m leaning towards not.

I’m ready to date. I knew it for sure this morning when I woke up. I logged into the app which will go into the ether in about two-weeks and will only have the other app. That one has been getting some attention; however, it doesn’t go any further than some texting.

It would be so great to have an outdoor adventure partner. I would be down for a friendship like that which had a potential for some romance.

This morning, it was funny that one of my one day stands who doesn’t recognize me from the only picture that I have up now said, “Hi, ______. It’s refreshing to see a well-written profile to say the least.” I reminded her of our super hot one day stand on January 4th. I still credit her with the return of my mojo.

My matchmaker quit the company. I really liked her so it’s a loss. I got an email from Customer Service saying that they will find me one who is a good fit. Fingers crossed on that.

I’m going to get back to organic things. I’ll go to the Discussion Group on Monday–maybe Scorpio will accompany me–and my new BFF from the app that is sunsetting will definitely be there alongside of some of my other friends. Towards the very end of the month I have a cocktail hour with another poly group too. I’ll have club soda. I love that I don’t use substances much at all anymore. It’s interesting that I had a long-term friendship with beer. After some psilocybin microdosing it’s gone. I’ve had one beer this year and it was at an after party from the parade Valentine’s weekend in which Scorpio and I were walking around with her friends.

I also want to write a research paper so that I have some scholarly things that I can speak intelligently about with respect to topics related to my children’s book. I think that I can use contacts that I have at the two Universities in which I teach to do some type of presentation. I’m going to set up a business account for sales, and do more marketing. However, one of the things that I have to dedicate time towards is having more scholarly and academic background in the topic.

My academic year is winding down, which is good.

And I have to get my solo vacation for June arranged.

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Compatible

I have now spent four nights in a row with Scorpio. We laugh constantly, ask each other good questions, are touching each other always, and find magic and beauty everywhere we go. And we simply keep talking and working on things. We’re super compatible.

One of her friends was turning 57 so she decided to throw herself a birthday party. I drove and took Scorpio to it so she could do whatever she wanted. When we left that night she said to her friends, “Because sober (and pointed to me) and then she said, ‘not sober,'” while she referenced herself.

The following morning we drove to the southwest for a vacation. We had three nights together and a standalone casita at a B&B.

I wanted to her to see one of my favorite places on earth. I had spent my first honeymoon mostly in the town that we’d first driven to and have been going back for years. We ate dinner in the town and walked around a little bit before driving on to another county to our B&B.

I love chile rellenos and this one was phenomenal and unique

I’ve written about this factor before and it’s that I can’t get in hot springs or hot tubs. However, I thought it super important that Scorpio have some hot springs times. There is a world famous one around where we were staying, but I didn’t want to do something that everyone does. I like standing out when I’m dating a woman. So, she and I took a hike and went to a wild one.

One of the pools was in the 90s and the other one at its depths reaches 106. Everyone was clothed so Scorpio didn’t take off her bikini bottom, but she did soak topless. All of it was hot.

There was a guy in the top pool with us. After awhile, he began conversation with us both. He was an artist and somewhat of a poet. He left the pool to go to the river and I couldn’t believe that he was swimming in it. When he came back I remarked on that and he told me to go and it would be good medicine. I told him that it was too cold. He said, “That’s not very Scorpio of you.” I realized that he was referencing my largest tattoo as I was in a bikini and I told him that was just my Moon. I stood up and said, “What am I?” while exposing it sideways and he said, “A Virgo,” and I said, “Yes, and can you see my ascendent? It’s in Libra.” I can’t remember exactly what he said, but it had to do with how troubling my combo is and I said that emotional turmoil is pretty common for me.

Then I got bold and popped out of the pool, crossed the lower muddy one and dipped my feet in the river. It was so frigid and immediately made me shiver so I just slid into it. Then I got out and sat looking at it. The artist said, “Ten seconds! Just breathe into it.” I submerged my entire body and looked into the canyon counting. My heart was pounding and I had to continue to remind myself to breathe. I began slowly counting. When I got out, a couple in the low pool said that I was in there longer than 10-seconds. I’m proud. I like being tough.

I had neglected to remember my change of clothes. They were back at the B&B. That was a potentially problematic thing because we had dinner reservations for a super nice restaurant on Sunday night. Scorpio said that she would dress me. We stopped into a cannabis lounge, and both went to the bathroom together and she said that I was absolutely not staying in a wet bikini top. I’ve definitely been without panties a few times in my life, but not without a bra… I stayed in my t-shirt and Scorpio lent me her overalls which were capris on her and hit me above my ankle. I put on sandals and subbed out my Hokas. I was presentable.

Scorpio is so nurturing.

We had a wonderful dinner. We had a long drive back and I smoked my first legal pot that I’ve ever had. It was a 1-1 ratio of CBD and THC and caused me a great, mellow high. I was so glad not to get paranoid. I think that I smoked pot from 29-34; although I lose track of the dates the main thing that I remember was that it was well before there were dispensaries and such.

The next day we did an art gallery and trekked around together. We had a late lunch at one of my favorite restaurants in the world. I bought her a bracelet and then we wound up on a rooftop. I had peppermint tea and she drank a latte. We got back to our B&B at a reasonable hour and she built a roaring fire that she tended to for hours.

I told her specifically that I loved her and that I was so grateful for this vacation.

The next day she had to work in the morning and then we left for home. She played a poem for me when we were in a mountain pass. We talked through our communication patterns, what we hope that we could be building, and then when we were both ready to starve, found a restaurant about 2-hours from home and had dinner by a river.

How do you feel safe with another person?

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Eclipse

Woke me up. At about 1:30, I woke up and couldn’t fall back asleep.

I also have had to for the millionth time since being a parent move my son’s PS5 out of my Rec Room. He was finally home when I saw the bright light of the moon.

I used to have 8 dinner forks. When I get to the point of losing the 4th one–which lends me to believe that I can’t have company–I freak the fuck out.

Yes, that is chicken tenders and BBQ sauce on a closet shelf

Oh, I have a girlfriend! I asked Scorpio to be my girlfriend in a sweet yet direct moment in which I was my awkward self and she said, “Yes.” That happened on Thursday. I was texting with her on Sunday night and asked her to do some magic to find my dinner fork and then I went back into my son’s room and found it in a shallow soup bowl in the shelf above his closet bar. She is magic.

My son is addicted to fast food and his PS5. Without a girlfriend, he’s rudderless. However, that doesn’t mean that he can trash out my house and invite bugs or mice with no consequences. I told him that if he sets up the PS5 back in the Rec Room while he still lives here that I’ll repossess his car. And I will. I bought it outright for him and the title is in my name. I also insure it.

He has no respect for himself or for very simple rules. He’s an immature 20. He is also revolting.

Back to the cooler side of the eclipse.

There is a tendency for Virgos anyway to self-analyze and criticize with such pressure that one can be rendered into inaction.

At this point, advice that I have found is to let my relationships grow through presence rather than performance and practice boundaries and self-care.

I can have boundaries with my son. I can be a strong and affirming presence with my new girlfriend.

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Puzzle

I had written this entry in July of 2013 which was just a tiny bit before I would start dating my ex-wife. I am going to add more pictures to the entry alongside some of my current considerations.

For years, I would say, “Everyone has baggage, but the art of relationship is finding your matching set.”  However, now that I’m pushing 40, it’s not really a “matching set” per se, but it’s complementary pairing.  Sounds easy, but after you’ve had several dating experiences, you can see that it is not as simple as it sounds.

These go together

These go together

Given the imperfections and, in fact, rather annoying things that all of us tend to do, it’s exceptional when those flaws are not “deal breakers.”  Some things just simply go fine together.  Other things cause sparks and friction like you wouldn’t believe.  Actually, I think that you do (probably) believe it or have experienced it.

I tend toward odd worries and don’t always trust that things will eventually work themselves out.  I also put up with far too much for too long, because I figure, relationships are hard.  Accepting my journey has helped.

I think that there is a complimentary set for most of us.  I also think that we tend to seek out qualities that are either part of us, or those that we have somewhere deep in the recesses of what is our true selves.  Even when a relationship ends, we can reflect on what changed for us, note growth, and learn to seek again what made us stay or alter the way in which we see things.

Oftentimes, I find some of my writing immature. This entry (above which was entitled “Complimentary Set”) was one that I woke up in mind today. I thought that I would give it a reread. I find that much of it is still salient for me. There are a few of the topics within it which I believe firmly almost 13-years later.

You can like someone a whole helluva lot and she can trigger the shit out of you.

I am not as much of a worrier generally since microdosing psilocybin for 13-months now. I also don’t believe anymore that little things will work themselves out. You’re compatible with someone for a longer term connection or you’re simply not. At mid-life, you don’t really have the days left to string things along that don’t work for the other party and you.

I’m pragmatic.

I’m also walking into love atm, so I’m feeling romantic.

I want to remember some things about Scorpio that I can reread later. We do have complimentary sets of baggage. I don’t think that we tend towards triggering each other’s shit either. Feels to me as if we’re simply learning how to treat each other. I do like having a girlfriend and an anchor partner.

I still love lists:

  1. At the end of our first date we were across a big table from each other and she walked her fingers up my arms when I reached across it
  2. She wasn’t going to kiss me after our first date, so I held her low back and looked at her like, “Really?” and then I kissed her
  3. She told me that going away together was too soon when we were having our second date: then she kissed me passionately when she was leaving, bit me a little bit, and when she got home sent me a picture of her legs with some audio before a roaring fire (I guess that she changed her mind.)
  4. She thought that there was something wrong with the matte in a picture in our expensive hotel room–we will always have what we refer to as “The Poop Butterfly” and she can imitate the other clerk snarling at it when I brought it down to the front desk and that makes me laugh even right now as I type
  5. I like one of her friend groups and they seem to like me
  6. We burned a bundle with cedar leaves, cinnamon and orange in her fireplace when I first spent the night there and it’s for abundance, prosperity, joy, and protection
  7. Her daughter said unprompted to her that she likes me
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Establishing

It’s so odd. I feel like I have been gearing up to get ready for Scorpio.

Saturday night, I went into her house and the monstera plant was taking over the ceiling all the way through the ceiling fan. There are art–some of which she’s made–cards, figures, and literally everything that you’d expect to find in the Folk Art Museum in Santa Fe (I’m making a mental note right now that she and I should go there in March.).

Scorpio looked beautiful and welcomed me into her home and said that she’d get a fire going shortly.

Then she showed me a floor pillow that she had sowed and made for floor time.

Superficially, she’s just like my ex-wife.

Then there are 3-million points of contrast.

Scorpio had two of her own kids and cares deeply about them.

Scorpio has worked in the billing and accounting division of her company for 10-years.

Scorpio is open in a slow, deliberate and measured way.

Scorpio is bold. For example, she left to be out west and travelled the coast for 5-weeks solo. She’s unafraid to talk about anything openly and directly.

SHE ACCEPTS APOLOGIES.

We talked through our experiences with polyamory.

We both have a disdain for DADT and we’ve both had those experiences. She talked to me directly about my level of bisexuality and I explained to her that I don’t think that I would have ever engaged in male experience if I wasn’t a surviving child. I felt like I had to be “normal” and have kids and be straight. I think that she got that. I said again that I’m fine with her having a boyfriend. Scorpio made a face like she was going to throw up, so I don’t think that it will be very soon. I told her about one of my matches from Seattle and how I’m hoping that because I’m so busy next weekend that she and I will have some trouble connecting–I don’t think that my timing is right for Seattle.

Additionally, I can’t establish concurrent relationships. Scorpio’s open heartedness that she has translates into her polyamory too–she won’t have rules or boundaries with exploration of others. So I told her that historically what’s been difficult for me is my own head when my girlfriend has a date and I’m at home. Scorpio said, “You think about how much fun they’re having,” and I said, “To be honest, I obsess about hot sex that I’m not having.” Scorpio explained that being poly often means getting good with your own time and taking care of yourself.

I certainly am good at that now. I have practiced this approach for nearly 4-years at this point. I have fitness routines that I always do. I read all of the time. I socialize although I don’t drink out and about. I am a Captain of a Bowling team. I’m so busy with my friends that I couldn’t even carve out overnight time with Scorpio this upcoming weekend because she’s going to a concert on Friday and I have dinner plans with an old friend on Saturday.

I’m looking forward to having dinner with her here at my house on Thursday. She said that she’s going to find a cute vegan ice cream shop for us to go to after dinner. I’m sad about not having an overnight this weekend. We have a wonderful physical connection. I’ve been missing that for about 5-years. Scorpio was worth all the wait. I’m ready to establish a good foundation for our relationship.

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Comfort

There is no love bombing or fervor with Scorpio and I. We just enjoy each other and text when it makes sense. It’s not controlling with stupid rules that you have to follow either.

I have a secure attachment style. I have been in a few relationships which have brought out some anxious features in me, but I generally feel solid when I start seeing someone who is likely to become a GF.

It’s easy to feel comfortable with Scorpio.

I also don’t have to explain being Solo Poly. I told her on our phone date on the 25th of last month that I don’t want to ever cohabit or blend finances again and she said, “I want to live with someone again.” I said, “That makes sense, it just kills the magic for me and that’s really what I’m seeking.”

Then she didn’t force that yet instead made me a felt rose which she handed to me when she exited the parade, made wrapping paper and wrote a comic book about manifesting a Valentine. That’s magic. She brings it.

It will be interesting when she and I have dates outside our relationship. She’s very direct, so I’d imagine that we’ll just deal with all of it head-on.

I had a date with a woman who lives high in the mountains who is a Relationship Anarchist like Scorpio. She already had a BF and sent me pictures of them together. I probably would have dated her more, but we don’t have enough reciprocity in communication or chemistry. I need and crave physical input and passion.

My match from Seattle will be in town in two-weeks. I didn’t really want to go out on dates this soon, but she’s in town only for a few days. Ph.D. wanted to see me next weekend and that particular connection makes me feel like complete shit. I’d met a woman on the other app that I use–I use two–and she’s become like an OG BFF to me. I wanted her to date Ph.D. I sincerely hope that Ph.D. has no amorous feelings towards me. I don’t want weird shit. She and I are taking a walk on the 21st of next month.

I’m so comfortable with Scorpio. She cuddles and is a great kisser. I am looking forward to dinner at her place on Saturday.

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51

That’s how old I am.

That’s how many hours that I spent with Scorpio.

I told my friend whom I’d met on the dating app that was maybe not wise.

I’m so glad that it worked out.

She’s open hearted and I’m generous, so we were able to get to know each other and have some excitement build naturally.

I’m starting to get attached to her. When we fell asleep on our second night together which was Valentine’s Day we were holding hands. She drifted off more quickly than I and I could feel our heartbeats synchronizing.

I know from my ex-GF that’s oxytocin beginning to build, because I noticed that I could feel hers and my pulse in a movie theater when we were holding hands after she and I had been together almost 4-months. I’d never had that experience prior.

I certainly didn’t expect Scorpio’s and my heartbeats to synch like that after one night together.

I absolutely love kissing her. I can’t remember ever enjoying kissing someone this much. I can read and gauge how she is feeling and is moving when she kisses me. We have lovely chemistry and connection.

When we woke up on Saturday morning, she had to get all pieces of her costume coordinated for the Mardi Gras parade. Then we went to an Art Center and I began meeting her friends. They were welcoming and genuinely interested in connecting with me. That felt so encouraging.

After the parade she handed me a felt rose and kissed me. Scorpio had to remove pieces of her costume and cool off a little bit. We went with her friends to a bar that they always go to after the parade and she asked me to go to the dance floor with her. The band was good. I always find that I feel so uncomfortable on a dance floor, but I had fun watching her and her friends. After a few songs I sat down and realized that it wasn’t safe for us to have her expensive speaker and all the pieces of her costume that she made at the bar. I told her that I was going to take our things back to our hotel, which I did.

When I came back, one of her friends sat on the bench with me on the dance floor and put her arm around me and said, “I’m so glad that I got to meet you!”

Is it natural to begin contrasting relationships when you begin a new one?

I didn’t like any of my ex-GFs friends. I found them shallow and status driven.

Scorpio’s friends are entertaining and all pure love. We had lunch with them and laughed and connected. I’m not very good in a group; however, I can connect with folks 1-1 and found doing so with her friends was seamless.

I don’t like or wear gold. My ex-GF’s daughter picked out a gold necklace that she wanted and then my ex-GF gave it to me for Christmas. Later in the spring, after I’d already tried to break up with her, she bought me my birthstone on a silver necklace. I’m thinking that was just because I had ordered her a custom ring to replace the two diamond rings that men had sold which were hers. It was like something transactional.

Scorpio took the lyrics to an intro to an 80s rap song and wrote a poem about her manifesting her Valentine. She illustrated a little comic book too. Her gift to me which accompanied the comic book was Lego love bears, and we’ll be putting them together next weekend by the fire at her house. She made the comic book and wrapping paper from a paper bag and it was beautiful. I didn’t want to unwrap it. I was so touched that she believes that she needed me and put out into the world that she wanted a girlfriend and a Valentine. I am excited to put our Lego bears together too. I wonder if she’ll let me take them both? Likely she’ll keep one. I’ll put the other one in my hutch.

My ex-GF took a painting that she made at her daughter’s second birthday off of her wall in her group practice room and wrapped it in Christmas paper then she gave it to me after my birthday when I turned 50. She would also talk shit about three paintings that I have, which are originals, that one of the three Cancers (who is a professional artist and also a small town Mayor) I’ve ever dated gave to me. One was for my son’s room and the others are a set which was my birthday present in 2013. This particular woman wrote on the back of each of the sets: “For ______ with love and kisses. Happy Birthday I’m glad you were born.”

After Scorpio and I had a long dinner together at a wine bar downtown on Friday the 13th, we walked back to our hotel hand in hand. She put on music and started kissing me. Our first intimate connection was an extension of lots of kissing and touching.

Although my ex-GF had full lips, didn’t like kissing much. I had to beg her in October to make out with me and she texted that it had to have a 30-minute limit. That night we wound up being in my bed over an hour; however, that she even had limitations stated is just so gross. That time and only one other time did we had hot, passionate kissing.  The other instance was when I had talked to her about a woman feeling me up in a karaoke bar a couple of weeks before. We were together a year. We had sex 7 times total.

Why would I stay with someone for a year who really only wanted me as status? She also likes that I make a really good living. I know now that she really only wanted me to live with her and adopt and support her 3-year-old.

I want to be liked because I am me. I don’t want someone to want me because I make 137k a year.

I don’t particularly enjoy gifts. If one is given to me, I want it to be from the heart.

I love sensuality and being physical. I don’t want to ask (beg) for it. I want intimacy to just happen. Scheduling it is so impersonal and take away what I crave always, which is magic.

I’m now dating a river mermaid who’s like a fairy. She is all pure love. She’s romantic, funny and so sexy. I know that I’m walking into love.

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Trip

I was heading to the gym for my weights routine that I will have been doing every Sunday that I’m not traveling and got a long text from Scorpio. It was an enthusiastic good morning, and an assertion that she wanted to spend time celebrating Valentine’s Day with me. There is a parade that is similar to Mardi Gras in the mountains that she and one of her friend groups participate in annually–they win too. She’d asked if I wanted to go on an adventure with her.

I was excited.

When she came over the day before I’d asked her if she wanted to go to San Diego or Mexico with me the following weekend and she declined. She indicated that it was too soon.

When we spoke in the afternoon to get details arranged I asked her about that. She said, “You asked me that at the beginning of our second date! What if our date didn’t go well?”

I said, “The waitress couldn’t even get our order during our first date, so that seems to indicate that we’re pretty compatible!”

Anyway, I arranged our hotel and two dinner reservations. I wanted her to soak in a cedar tub after the parade because she’ll be sore, but there were no open reservations available. Our room doesn’t have the amenities which are special such as a spa or fireplace, so I’ve emailed to see if I can upgrade the room.

I was surprised that she is introducing me to one of her friend groups already.

I don’t do that for a few months; however, she’ll love my best friend and they have a ton in common. She’d sent me a text last week with her coffee mug that said, “Plant Lady” on it. My best friend is like a fairy too and had likely 500 plants in her big craftsman house until very recently. She also has massive gardens and now owns a flower farm. Scorpio will like her a ton.

I think that my ex-husband and I had a couple of dinner reservations a handful of times for Valentine’s Day. My ex-wife and I gave each other cards several times. Otherwise, I’ve not done much to celebrate it. I took my ex-GF out to lunch for BBQ last Valentine’s Day.

This trip with Scorpio is a whole new and special experience. I’m a little nervous. I’ve been wanting to have a travel partner for years at this point, and now I may have found her.

Jump

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Coincidence

Karma as a concept is oversimplified and people tend to say that bad things happen to you when you’re an asshole. I think that everyone can see in the US at this moment in time how that’s so not true.

Anyway, I know that there aren’t coincidences.

My HS GF took me to New Mexico for the first time in 1993 and I’ve been going back there with lovers and friend since. I’ve had massively emotional, sometimes scary, and also transformative experiences in that state. My college GF was even born there.

I’m not talking geography with respect to Scorpio in this moment; however, she and I have some overlap that gives me pause and she acknowledged it when we were together yesterday.

Her eldest daughter is 24 and needed her last night, so when we spoke on the phone in the morning she told me about the struggles and asked if she and I could pivot. I asked her to come to my house and she did. I really wanted to talk to her about my sister-in-law and also for a part of it, my ex-wife.

She came over and hugged me. I kissed her quickly and then we sat down at my table and ate guacamole that I made. I told her that we’d need to deal with something intense and she was game.

I told her how much she looks like my former sister-in-law who was murdered. It’s odd because that happened in her family too. I don’t want to give details here, but it’s quite strange. I read her the entry “Empty,” and she was moved and listened.

The main question she had was given her similarities personality-wise that she has with my ex-wife (Who always called me a muggle and a winter person.) and how much people think that she looks like my former sister-in-law, was I really seeing her when I have told her how much I like her?

I told her absolutely it’s just her.

I gave her the complete timeline later, which I’ll relay here as well.

After I dealt with that, we just talked and talked. As trite as it may sound, the air had been cleared. We eventually got ready to take a walk together.

When we had to pop off the urban part of the trail at my house–we’d also walked the creek bed together–she stopped and said, “This is ______! My Grammy’s house is two blocks up!” I said, “Well, we have to go there!”

I told her how glad I was that we matched. And she said, “I started talking to you!” That’s accurate and she liked that she won the opening of our connection. She stopped on the street, threw her arms around me, and gave me a big kiss. It was so sweet.

We walked to her grandmother’s house and she told me stories about her childhood and when she lived there with her 6-month-old daughter. I took some pictures of her there which later she said were a modern American Gothic. She felt so connected to the house and this experience generally.

When we were walking there I told her that we were meant to match and that perception is so limited. Quantum physics and Mathematical Universe Hypothesis illustrates that as humans who are only around for such a blip in time cannot process reality or be in full consciousness in the vast experiences. There are just these moments that are beyond us and we have to be in the them and not avoid them altogether.

I told her that although we don’t know our journey, that we should see it through. I wanted her to know how much I value time spent with her.

We went back to my house and her right knee was giving her fits so I tried to lengthen her IT band by drawing it down her hip and then just wound up massaging her feet and legs. She has the longest, sexiest legs and for her massive height: little feet. We kissed a little bit more and snuggled and watched the sunset.

Scopio had to get back to her daughter so I got up. She told me, “It’s so hard for me to go!” I told her that I feel that too. We’d spent four hours together. We have a lovely vibe.

I embraced her after she was all packed up and then she started kissing me passionately. That was a welcome development.

I walked her to her car, and she pulled me into it. She kissed me once more and ran her fingertips up and down my back.

Scorpio’s daughter needed her, so I didn’t text her except in response to some things that she sent to me that she was processing. Then a video came. All of it is hot. It’s her long legs in those soft pants that she wore, wiggling toes, and with her fireplace in the BG.

Here is what she said, “Oh, look at that cool effect! The fire looks cool in this video. It’s ragin’–too bad you’re not here, but it’s going to have to be next time. I had a lot of fun with you… Look how lonely my legs are!” And then she starts cracking up.

I’m in trouble.

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3

I cannot wait to see Scorpio. I just read that you need to have three initial dates to check chemistry, and that seems totally fair. I’d like the third date to include spending the night together if at all possible.

On Saturday, I want to go over to her house with flowers and a meal–I’m a really good cook–and spend time talking more.

I also think that it’s a good idea to see how hours together feel. Meaning that she and I can see a glimpse into our connection and chemistry too, and together determine if we have the ability to just be together.

I’m out of practice. I’ve not had more than 4-5 hours with a woman since 2021. That’s the last time too that I had really hot intimacy and spent the night with a woman.

I feel rusty.

Last night I texted her when I got home from having a belated birthday dinner with my best friend. She responded super quickly, which made me think that I was on her mind.

She had two friends visiting her and they were going to a reggae show.

When I woke up today, she sent me a picture of her hands framing the stage in the heart shape. It was perfect–just like the hands for heart emoji. She also sent me a picture of her with her friends at the show. She’s pretty wonderful.

All the more reason that I want to be intentional with my steps with her and be honest about my dormant skillsets.

This week was so intense. I think that I am 95% that I have that chance to fall in love again. I know that it is safest for both of our hearts to walk into love. I removed all traces of my ex-GF from my home–the last steps were completed yesterday recycling a few cards that she wrote to me and donating the two necklaces she bought. Work is also super trying.

Shifts come in 3s.