Tag Archives: Metamour

by

Dramarama

In 2024 I met one of my ex-GFs at a Polyamorous Women’s Discussion Group. She attended it in support of her best friend.

Her best friend was sleeping with the group leader’s husband. For a time, he was her boyfriend.

Per my ex-GF, the group leader vetoed her best friend.

Veto.

I had a falling out with the group leader altogether. She blew up a date one night that I was on with my ex-GF. Eventually, my ex-GF made me write a letter to her about the situation. I wasn’t going to apologize and didn’t. I wrote the letter because my GF at the time said that I was creating friction in the friend group.

Yesterday I saw the former group leader at a conference and she told me everything going on in her life and asked nothing about me. Things never change.

She did say, however, that one of her husband’s partners was no longer friends with my ex-GF or my ex-GF’s best friend. She said that they weren’t treating her well. I’m friendly with this particular partner. Scorpio and I had a double date with her and the former group leader’s husband in April.

I took the author out to dinner last night and told her the story.

A GF is vetoed by a wife.

The GF befriends one of the husband’s partners.

Eventually, the GF and her best friend (my ex-GF) vetoes the partner.

The author told me that this experience is common.

Makes me happy that I get along with my metamour and that my GF only has he and I atm.

by

Three

Didn’t seem like a lot to navigate for me last night.

The author turned 60 and had a potluck party.

The woman that I have been seeing just shy of a month (4-days) made little spears of appetizers. They had fresh mozzarella, basil, tomatoes, a tortellini, and a folded slice of salami on them. I think that she’d drizzled some olive oil on them and also a few dried herbs–she may have grown those. The author was excited about them. Although she’d probably made 40 of them, there were very few left when we departed.

I bought beer, lemon La Croix, Waterloo, and Spindrift and filled up my cooler.

My metamour was with us the whole night.

We drove up together and left together.

This particular friend group is almost all polyamorous and bisexual. So, we fit together well.

At one point someone was asking my metamour how he knew the author and he talked about his fiancée and then said, “And ______’s her girlfriend,” and nodded to me.

That gave me pause.

We got back really late to their house and she asked me if I was coming in and I said that I was. I sat in their office and we all talked for a long time while their dog hung out with us and their cat visited and also ran around the house because it was late.

Neither of them had seen “One Battle After Another,” and we made plans to watch it together on Tuesday. My girlfriend is taking me to a comedy club on Wednesday.

When I was leaving my metamour came out and said that he was going to settle in for the night. I gave him a hug and she and I continued to talk.

It was interesting because she talked directly about her fiancé referring to me as her girlfriend. I said quickly that I liked it. She was surprised. She said, “I know that you don’t want a girlfriend,” and I said, “No, I don’t want a wife. That’s not something that I want to do or will do again.”

If I learned anything from 2024 – 2025 I discovered that I really enjoy having an anchor partner.

I also told her that I find her beautiful and that I really like her a lot. She said, “I’m not nice, and you’ll see that when we’re around more people.” I find that behavior honest. I don’t like everyone and don’t go out of my way to make peace with anyone with whom I don’t have to interface.

She is nice. She texts me good morning and goodnight everyday. She knows what I am doing day to day and remembers details. She knew that I was in person for teaching last week and made me a whole lasagna. When I took her out to dinner she gave it to me. (I’ll probably eat the rest for breakfast this morning.) I had it for dinner, lunch, and my son ate some of it last night when we were all three at the birthday party.

She’s direct.

She’s loving. I had a mosquito bite below my wrist and she quickly took my arm and pierced it with her thumbnail. I can’t even feel it now. (I secretly wish she’d done the same thing on my middle finger where I have three.) The author was talking about her nephew and birthday twin who took his own life 2-years ago during her small speech in front of her cake. We had just sung to her and she thanked all of us and then began talking about her nephew. I sighed deeply, she heard it, and she quickly gave me a side hug and took my hand.

She’s matter-of-fact. That characteristic might be at least somewhat related to being a nurse. I told her that I was getting tested next weekend and would print the results and give them to her. I said that I hope that Scorpio didn’t give me anything because she said, “You should be more careful!” the last night that I talked to her and realized that we can’t be together. (I do have feelings. Feelings aren’t wrong.) And she said that she probably said that because she knew that it would get to me. I told her that if I have something we can be friends. And she said, “No way. You’re not breaking up with me because of that.” Then she directly described different barrier methods that would happen if Scorpio had given me something.

I’ve had all her STI results including her pap smear test narrative for 3-weeks.

When we start being intimate–assuming that I am fine–I’ll be monogamous. Again. In my heart I am Solo Poly and I don’t know how you work, have pets, have a house and yards, parent a little bit, have great friendships that you tend to with multiple partners. Honestly, with my starting school in two weeks, I’m unable to wrap my brain around another woman in this moment. I also can’t establish concurrently.

This relationship has been too easy for nearly a month.

I’m not used to slow, deliberate and intentional. Also, it’s interesting to meet ease with my pragmatism that I have.

I think that I’ve gained a girlfriend and a new male friend.

by

Sweetheart

Last night I pulled up in front of my date’s house and she said, “Hi” while I was getting out. I handed her flowers that I arranged in a rectangular vase. All the flowers came from my yard. I didn’t realize that she was going to get in my car and was embarrassed because it’s full of gravel on the floor mats and is a little dusty. She took the flowers inside and then we were off!

The whole date was a surprise. She had left it that way.

We went to an interactive art gallery together. There was a story line for our walk through. We talked a lot though because we are so new and chatty, but we got the gist, solved the puzzle, and got wildflower seeds at the end of the exhibit.

We walked across the street to a horror themed 80s bar that had really good food.

I’m from here and had never done anything like this for a date or been to either of these places.

She planned and paid for the whole date.

When we got back to her house, I realized that there is one thing that is different about a polyamorous person who’s not solo. Their significant can come home when it’s obvious that you’re being romantic with their partner.

I acted a little bit like you would with parents coming in when you’re in high school. Then it was ok and I mostly adjusted.

I think that it will be better for me next weekend when we all go out together for the author’s 60th birthday party.

I won’t have time to date until next June. So, it’s going to be a very long period of my establishing with her. I think too that having several concurrent relationships will be difficult until years from now because I don’t have much time to dedicate to partners. My time is spoken for with my jobs and I don’t like doing anything poorly.

It’s been really nice to go slowly with a woman too. I have needed this pacing again.

I went slow in 2024, but that relationship felt like work to me and I wasn’t getting needs met. It was a good post-divorce relationship.

I was leaving and she always walks me out when I do so. I was asking her what her fiancé calls her and she told me–I’d never call her the same term of endearment. He sometimes calls her Babe too, and I’ll avoid that one too. I settled on Sweetheart and she’s so flexible that it was immaterial to her. She told me that it would be weird if I called her fiancé, Daddy, and we both laughed about that one.

It’s always hard for me to completely leave her. I was talking about how she has shown up in her previous relationships and she called herself getting over being a “fixer.” I told her that she was in luck in that I don’t need any work, live alone and love that (I think that my son is finally moving out forever in December.), and do all my own things. And she said, “Yes, but we can have the nurse in the office with the doctor.” I laughed and then it gave me pause. I liked that. A lot. And found it hot. I stopped laughing and looked at her across the street and told her that I’d have to think about that prospect all night.

by

Established

On Friday, my new love interest and I walked to a venue that makes really excellent Cajun food and listened to a local band. We talked at length too. I have learned a lot about her childhood and growing up.

She had on expensive jeans, and her hair was perfect and flowing. I can’t believe the way that she can get her waves and curls to land. I know that she doesn’t use any heat on it, so it’s surprising. She had on a tank top that had a diamond opening just below her suprasternal notch and wore a diamond necklace on a silver chain below the tank top. Her eyes are a really dark blue and have some green near the pupil. They’re huge. I learned on Friday that she’s Greek. It’s funny, but I often get misread as Greek too.

At about 10:45 she said that we had to go. She’s funny and gets really worried about my sleep. She also gets worried about how much I work. It’s endearing. It’s not in a bossy way, but it’s more like a manner in which she wants to be supportive. I like it, which is odd.

I don’t like getting help with anything. I do like being cared for and tended to, but not with nuts and bolts of my life. I have that stuff on lock.

Last night my son pulled himself away from his monitor and gaming system. He and I had dinner together. My love interest had put dried herbs from her garden in little jelly jars for me and I slightly seared some dried dill and put it on potatoes. I had also sauteed some mini red sweet peppers. Although it’s super hot, we ate kielbasa and sauerkraut. The latter seemed fitting for the weather.

We talked about my new love interest.

I told him that I had met my metamour. I really like him. He’s sweet and I know that we’ll have good conversations because he’s smart.

My son said, “Finally someone who’s actually poly, Mom!”

I reminded him that I met my GF before Scorpio in a Polyamorous Women’s Discussion Group.

He scoffed at that.

I do think now looking back that she’s most interested in her daughter being supported. I think that dating a man or woman in her 30s would be a good idea for that scenario fulfillment.

Then he said something interesting about Scorpio. He said, “She’s polyamorous when it suits her.”

That gave me a ton of pause.

My whole thing with breaking up with her was that she wouldn’t talk about going dark on me for a day. I didn’t want an apology. I wanted to talk it through because it didn’t feel good and hurt my feelings. Her level of defensiveness was unreal and she was volatile and mean. That would never work. I do think that when you’re being authentic, you have some conflict. It needs to be resolved without deflecting responsibility and truly hearing your impact.

And my son said that Nightingale was simply monogamous, which is true.

I love that my current love interest and her fiancé are so stable. They have the ability to travel and do whatever they want and have a nice home. I don’t know how long they’ll live here, and I hope that they stay for at least a couple of years. The impact is that it’s easy to date her. She’s just looking for some enhancement of her life and isn’t lacking anything in her partnership.

by

Intentional

A woman who is also a nurse, but in a completely different specialty and role than Nightingale is, started DMing me in the app last week.

We had great banter and it wasn’t overly flirtatious like Nighingale’s and mine became. We popped on a phone call that night after I taught class on Zoom.

We had an hour-and-a-half conversation.

Yesterday, we bowled three games (It was pretty polluted with wildfire smoke for a walk.), played skeeball and the basketball shot game, and went to eat BBQ. Well, I ate a ton of food. She isn’t a big eater.

We get along really easily and she’s not like women who I’ve dated.

We made plans to see each other on Friday and I’m going very, very slow this time around. Scorpio and Nightingale were the opposite of that approach, and neither wound up the way in which I thought that they would. I am going to try everything that I can given that we get along well to build something with intention.

She’s shorter than I am and voluptuous. She also is VERY put together. No one would read her presentation as bisexual.

At this point in time, some women who had girlfriends before they got married and had kids want to date women again. It’s a whole cultural zeitgeist. I think that some of it has to do with Andrew Tate and his platform which promotes misogyny and violence, and I think that the rest has to do with accepting bisexuality to some degree in many parts of the country.

This particular new love interest is solidly bisexual and has been dating women for a couple of years, but not yet found a girlfriend.

She’s engaged to be married. I looked back at my writing to see when that became something that I thought would be a good idea for me. I couldn’t find a specific entry. It has been difficult for me to establish concurrently, and also find a woman who does polyamory the same way that I do.

I like having male metamours.

I also like that their house is about a 2.5-mile bike ride away from mine.

Her fiancé looks so sweet.

Case in point is that legacy landlines have ended in most parts of the US with the exception of FL and CA, and I had to try to set up my VOIP in my kitchen and dining area and couldn’t. Mine, I think anyway, wound up also needing to be ethernet connected to my modem. However, when it was giving me fits for a couple of days he offered to come over to my house and set it up.

I told Hockey yesterday on the phone that maybe if things keep working out that they can be a little bit like family members to me.

Some polycules involve cohabiting.

That’s not appealing to me because I want to stay in my house with my space and cadence. In my heart I am Solo Poly and in my execution at this moment in time, I am ambiamorous.

However, sometimes because many of my friends are heavy drinkers, live many urban miles from me, or are still doing heavy parenting that limits their free time, I get really lonely. It would be amazing to have a girlfriend who had another partner who was willing to help me with sheetrock, spot me on a ladder, and also socialize with me. The arrangement makes me think of a defacto family. I’m excited to meet him!

Yesterday, my new love interest put fresh dill, green onions, and mint in small jelly jars, picked me tomatoes of various sizes, and harvested a small eggplant and yellow scallop squash. I’m going to cook the latter tonight so I can have some good food at work tomorrow.

Her fiancé picked a sunflower and put it on top of the arrangement in the bag that was flat with ribbon handles. I love that he wants her to have a GF. At this moment, he only has one partner, and my love interest doesn’t interphase with her because it’s a limited and short-term relationship that he has with her.

My new love interest is on call on Friday, so we pivoted and are going to hang out for a bit at her house. Her fiancé has a date and will be back late evening.

I can’t wait to meet their cat and hope that their dog isn’t obnoxious. Assuming that we eventually get there–maybe in the fall–she’ll have to spend nights at my house, because there is a basement roommate in the downstairs apartment. I don’t think that appeals to me. I also don’t think that overnights are something that I want when a fiancé is in another bedroom. I guess that I’ll see.

For now, I’m going very, very slow. I would really like to have a GF with whom we can build something more lasting.

by

Boyfriends

Therapy is such a good thing. I have one more thing which is not related to a new love interest to write about today. It’s related to my insight after therapy.

I’m totally fine dating bisexual women.

They’re often prettier.

My last two GFs were still both really hung up on their ex-boyfriends.

My one prior would talk about him all the time. I realized recently that she was going to parks with her daughter in his area of the city because she probs wanted to run into him and had a belief that when he saw their daughter he would rekindle. Or maybe just pay child support. Or perhaps stop texting, “Hi,” at 3 in the morning and respond to pictures of their daughter that she sent to him. She would also talk about how amazing he was too. It was a treat.

Scorpio talked about her ex-BF all the time. Recently she told me that she’d gotten spoiled by him because he did all the driving. During our last fight she called me monogamous and said that I was a repeat of this ex-BF. To all that, I can call bullshit.

My new love interest is lesbian. Like me. That means that she won’t be hung up on an ex-BF.

When I date a bisexual woman again if she’s recently broken up, I need to ensure that she is over him. If not, I will probably suggest that she does couples work with the guy and reconciles. I’d be fine dating her after that time. I like having male metamours. I don’t want to be a stand-in for a man going forward.

🤯

by

My Metamour

I had an impromptu dinner last night with the author. I told her all about my metamour. I really like him.

The author, who has two boyfriends, and a metamour who is one of her good friends said, “Tell me about your metamour.”

I said that he’s big, handsome and engaging. One of the things that I really liked best about him was that he and my girlfriend have many of the same mannerisms and also use the same expressions. They both consider things for a good period, nod and then say, “That’s fun.”

We’ve already exchanged emails. I want to teach him how to play frisbee golf, so I have to see which days he has off from work next week and the week after. (I played a lot of it when I was an undergrad.)

My girlfriend and he had built my girlfriend’s daughter’s playhouse that he’d gotten her for Christmas. She’ll wake up Christmas morning there and see it and it will be kept at his house. In many respects, he’s like a father to her; although, my girlfriend doesn’t agree.

On Thanksgiving, she had sent me this video of her daughter cackling while he picked her up into the air and was flipping her around. It was the sweetest video, and that is when I realized how much I wanted to know him.

My girlfriend said that she had to press him a whole bunch to ensure that he met me before Christmas.

We all went to the best Thai restaurant in our area on Wednesday night and talked. He paid and I said, “May I please get the tip?” and he gracefully accepted the cash. He’s from New England so he’s refined and has some almost feminine mannerisms, which are really just part of being from New England. Some of his manner is opposite of his large and muscular frame. He’s probably about 6’2″. He has twinkly blue eyes and is well-dressed and put together.

I’m not sure what their relationship will look like in the coming New Year. He’s moving in with his current girlfriend who also has a child. Her child is a preteen girl. I would imagine a lot of the features in their relationship will change.

I asked her if she’d ever remarry him and she said, “No.” They seem really good together and I think that both of them liked being married. I know that it’s complicated and obviously not on the table right now given that his girlfriend is moving in with him shortly.

I kept telling her that I needed to be his friend. Now, I know that I am. In fact, I’ll email him back on the 26th or 27th so I can see him and hangout solo. The weather is scary warm, so I’m sure that as long as it’s not windy we can play frisbee golf.

It’s interesting that the feelings of jealousy that I had prior are gone completely now. They were mostly related to my too quiet Thanksgiving and then hours alone. I wasn’t jealous of him. I was jealous of family. While I was lucky to have had Thanksgiving with my neighbors, they had a bustling one that was complete with boisterous cussing relatives.

I guess there could possibly be times when we had all three kids together at his place (my 19-year-old, her toddler and his girlfriend’s preteen). Maybe in the summer?

Regardless of what the future holds, I really like my metamour.

What does family mean to you? How do you do friendships? What do you think about adding people to your life?

by

2 Weeks

I haven’t written anything in two-weeks. That’s unique.

I think it’s because with the exception of being sick–my sinuses are infected–my life is pretty much motoring along evenly. I usually write when I’m wrestling with something, am angry, upset or had something huge happen in my life.

I have been seeing my girlfriend about once a week. This pace is perfect for me. I think it’s what she has for time too because her daughter is two.

I can’t imagine running a practice and raising a toddler.

We’ve had a variety of dates. We’ve walked a few miles, we’ve walked about a mile with the baby in a gorgeous canyon, we’ve watched a movie, we’ve had dinner at her house, she was sick as hell with food poisoning so we didn’t have dinner at my house, but she let me tend to her and we talked for three-hours, we’ve gone to a housewarming, and we’ve gone out to dinner twice.

I’ve never done this approach. I love being intentional and slow paced. I have always wanted it, and never had a girlfriend who would follow an even cadence with me. In June, I’ll have known her a year and it will be interesting to see this entry and consider it.

We’re shopping for her Christmas present on Monday. We have an agenda. Her arches are higher than mine, which is terrifying. When I do the running test for shoes the computer and salesperson always says the same thing, “Oh, wow, your arches are high, so we’ll only be able to choose between two insoles.” My ex-husband is going to sell her her very first pair of Birkenstocks! Cute.

On Wednesday, we’re having Thanksgiving brunch with my son’s godparents. Her daughter and my son will be there too. It will be sweet. Three teenagers and a two-year-old amongst middle aged adults!

On Black Friday we’re going to a tree lighting with her daughter. She invited her best friend, which initially I wasn’t keen on. However, her best friend isn’t from here and I don’t think that she’s still seeing her boyfriend so she naturally wanted to do something for Thanksgiving.

I haven’t met her ex-husband yet, and really want to do that. He’s basically my metamour. I had asked her if he bowls or plays Frisbee Golf and he doesn’t do anything like that. Maybe we can go to a basketball game. I’d like to have a friendship with him. He also has many years of history with her. I know that they were married for 17-years so probably it’s well over 20-years of some manner of relationship. She told me that he’d probably like to meet me too. I’m not going to push it, but am really glad to have seen a picture of him. She talks about him a lot. He’s seen a picture of me too and I’m not attached to what he knows or doesn’t know about me. I don’t ask her what she’s said or not said. He told her that I have a great smile.

I can say that being 50 is different. I’m not willing to stay in situations that make me miserable. These include those at work and in my personal life. I don’t think that I’m chasing anything in particular. The only goal that I have is to get the book printed.

What’s the end of your fall shaping up like? What is the current pace of your life?