I had a good videoconference date on Tuesday night. That night is almost always off the table ten months out of the year, so I made it for 8:30 my time with a woman in Seattle.
We had reciprocal conversation. We went deep.
She had a GORGEOUS smile and was charming. Sweet and kind. Seemed to have her life on lock. And she was neutral about seeing me face-to-face. I knew it when I didn’t get any feedback for a couple of days.
It finally came in my inbox rather than through a call.
I was told that she found me down to earth, smart, curious, open, and easy to talk to, and that she enjoyed getting to know me. She spoke very warmly about the conversation and shared that this truly was not about anything missing in me or anything “wrong” with the connection itself. Ultimately, she shared that the hesitation came more from her own life positioning than from the date. In short: this was much more about timing and personal bandwidth than lack of appreciation.
The only thing that I can remember her saying to me in the first few minutes of our conversation was that she had written her bio “ages ago.” I was wondering why she still had it posted and agreed to a date?
Anyway, I don’t love my webcam. It zeroes in on my pores and age lines… The guy who took my passport picture in the fall told me not to smile because it makes people look like the Joker.
So, when I can’t get a phone call–being honest here that my voice is likely one of the best assets that I have–I’ll play with the Logi Options software that I’ve just downloaded.
When I was married to my ex-wife sometimes we ate dinner and watched tv with her mother and her mother’s boyfriend. I’ve saved a video at my former mother-in-law’s house that makes me happy to watch wherein we were packing up to leave and everyone was making my dog howl while my ex-wife’s dog was running around. I was happy and you can see that on my face.
We also had game nights that we hosted or they would host.
I like those things because they have a purpose that is specific.
They also end in a couple of hours.
My ex-GF said that she initially found me confusing as she met me in a discussion group and I played kickball and bowled. Yes, these things are social. Yes, I am really best 1-1 with people and not into socializing if it’s outside of a specific activity. Yes, I prefer to go home and sleep after being social.
Again, discussions and sports are specific.
They end.
Even family reunions end. My mother had 124 first and second cousins because her father was from a family of 13 kids and her mother was from a family of 6 kids. Family reunions were enormous. Because they were so enormous, you could step away with a cousin and talk, climb trees or throw catalpa seeds through broken windows. (Ha.)
Scorpio and I went to a panel regarding energy problems facing our country on Thursday. Then we had dinner reservations. She talked to me about feeling guilty about the long birthday party. I told her that she shouldn’t, and that when she promised that we’d debrief the whole thing and she wouldn’t automatically break up with me if I was really quiet or socially awkward there, that I was fine with going. That didn’t make her feel any better.
I told her that I need 7-10 hours of sleep at a stretch. I’m not a napper unless I’m sick because they give me headaches. I can’t wear ear plugs because I’m full of wax generally. I just am not a partier. I never have been either. I wasn’t in college.
Scorpio is getting to know me and she accepts me. She wants to be a teammate. I’ve never had someone want that with me.
My ex-husband thought that I was a unicorn. He told me once, “I think that you’re a practical genius.” It was more like finding me odd. We weren’t on the same team.
My ex-wife was mad at me for how much I worked. She would throw my doctorate and years of schooling in my face in and outside of fights that we had. We fought and didn’t resolve anything.
Scorpio simply asked me, “Why do you work so much?”
I told her that I’m a good employee and that everything with the exception of my book, some training, and testing that is minimal my other jobs pay into my pension which will pay out (I told her how much.) monthly until I die. I also really like my work. I have 3-7 years left and then I’m getting a different license altogether and will see clients in my Zoom office that I’ve had since the pandemic or will see in person clients in my best friend’s practice office. I don’t want more than 10 clients either. I’m getting too old for 45-hour workweeks.
I don’t pass judgment on anyone who isn’t a workhorse. I simply am one.
My socializing has discrete beginning, middle and end points.
Yesterday, when I was in the shower, I realized that this birthday party is how I’m doing compersion.
It’s not about me.
It’s about her having a romantic partner there who is watching her have joy and connection.
I know that several of her lovers are at this party too.
I want her to have a good time the entire time that we’re there. And I know she likes that she has me as her touchdown.
Like me, Scorpio has gotten really used to being the only non-married person who’s with her friends. Shit, I was like that the last time that I was ACTUALLY married! My former mother-in-law moved out-of-state when my ex-wife and I had been married about 2-years. My ex-wife didn’t really have a friend group that was substantial. She is much more family oriented.
On the grounds at the party there are hikes, board games in the main lodge, ability to rent kayaks, and mountains in this area. I need to find a way in which to structure my time to have specific activities. I’ll bring two books and my nature journal. It will be weird to not be able to blog, but I have to wait to do that on my solo vacations.
This birthday party will also end. I want to be less scared of being in a vulnerable position. That’s something that I always have to work on as a continuous process.
Camping before being on a rope team. Solo activity that I did with a group when I was married last.
It’s so hot and everything is burning up in the sun.
Thankfully, I drank valerian tea, talked to my OG BFF who I met on an app, and dosed two Z strain.
Mellow.
Happy.
Moments of clarity.
I took a late walk with the Realtor yesterday and we caught up. I don’t think that there will ever be a time in which after we spend time together that I am not given pause afterward. I find myself simply wondering if we’ll ever be romantic. We tell each other everything. We have a good connection and have known each other 6-years. We respect each other. And there is still some level of chemistry, which, at times, is sometimes much more fiery. The last time it was like that was when she had just started dating her current partner. She was running her hands up and down my arms and back and griping onto me. A friend who was there said that it looked as if she should probably just leave us alone. Anyway, we had a great catch up yesterday and know now that we can have a rhythm of seeing each other for a walk when I’m working due to the location of my building for my day job.
She hasn’t met Scorpio. My best friend hasn’t either. (The Realtor and my best friend own a flower farm.) I told her about how we met, how we have progressed, and how we resolved a conflict. I am super proud of the latter. I’m also thankful to my ex-GF that I began learning how to do that when she and I were dating. Now, I’m getting really good at it, which will make me a better friend, supports work in my industry, and also impacts my ability to be a better romantic partner.
I told the Realtor that I can’t establish concurrently.
Scorpio said that was due to new relationship energy (NRE), and I don’t agree.
NRE could have some impact.
However, it’s due to my needing to go so fully deep with someone and all in initially. I need to understand.
Now, I’m open to a second.
I’m also open to guest star arrangements if they make sense, and wouldn’t hustle for that.
Those would have to be if someone approached me and Scorpio when we were out, or if Scorpio wanted to arrange a threesome of her own accord.
Tomorrow afternoon during my lunch I meet with my new matchmaker via Google Meet. I’ll miss my old one. However, I’ll need to let her know what I’m looking for. Thus, writing this morning.
Honest
Outdoorsy or someone who is athletic
Wants to move slowly and intentionally
Smart
Great sense of humor
At this point, I’m also open to new friendships initially. I think that romance, for me anyway, could grow from friendship. However, I wouldn’t want to explore romance with someone with whom isn’t honest. I’ve succumbed to that when I was confused about a long period of breakup. The CEO and I did make up / breakup for about two years, and then I wound up sleeping with the little liar. I learned a lot about timing in relationship and think that now I’ve experienced a master class in Avoidant Attachment via my relationship with the CEO.
I think that my preference is to date women who are mostly of the Secure Attachment style too.
Generally, I want to only spend my time with people of high quality.
My mentor introduced me to the work of Susan Scott and I use her work today. Over the weekend, and it took us talking about it 3-4 times again, Scorpio and I drilled down to the root of our problem.
It’s not about sex.
It’s not about objectification.
It’s about her feeling like she and I are a team.
She said that we have the ability to figure anything out and get creative.
In a Mineral Rights Conversation (Scott) is used when you have to think of the good of a group and an ideal outcome for your relationship.
One of Scorpio’s best friends is having a camp themed birthday party in the woods in three weeks.
When I learned that our first night of connecting alone was off of the table, I didn’t want to go at all.
That was met with sadness and anger.
I liked it when she named both of her emotions and also told me that I was acting like a baby. There wasn’t anything disingenuous about her approach and I love the way in which she deals with things so head-on. I also think that I was getting all worked up in an unhealthy fashion.
Describe a tough conversation that you’ve had in which you challenged your own thinking directly through having the ability to consider fully yours and another’s reality.
If my Enneagram isn’t referred to as the Protector or the Boss, it’s referred to as the Controller. Does it logically follow that I am controlling? I will tell you that I don’t like to be controlled.
Last night my new friend who has become like a BFF to me and Scorpio went to the Discussion Group that I’ve been going to for about 3-years. (The Women’s one in which I’d met my ex-GF has disbanded alongside that parent group.) We had a dinner before and yet had to move our plates into the discussion room as we weren’t done yet.
The discussion was good. I only contributed to a question regarding when you’re in a long-term relationship staying sexual. I think that conversation about what you’re dreaming about or where you see yourself is a good springboard for getting frisky. I probably should have said doing that laying down or holding hands when having this conversation would be best. Otherwise, I listened in on having new relationship energy (NRE) for things rather than people and having boundaries with your partners when you are experiencing life stress.
I was glad that someone introduced the last topic.
I felt like I had to bundle HBO and Max with my Disney and Hulu account. If I could dip out of work today I’d binge “The Dark Wizard.” I couldn’t just add those services for whatever reason and had to make a new password.
Then, I realized that I had to text my ex-GF. She uses my Disney for her daughter. Disney doesn’t really have rules and you can add accounts, so my son (who lives with me) and her daughter use the Disney that I pay for. I think that her daughter mostly uses it for watching the same scenes in “Moana.”
I wasn’t sure how to introduce this password change with her. So I sent a text:
“I added HBO and Max to _______’s and my account for Hulu and Disney and it didn’t allow the old password when I added these to the bundle. The new password is ___________ .”
A few hours later she texted, “Thank you!” so I put a thumbs up on that text.
She doesn’t respect my boundaries. In fact, because I have them and won’t text about loving her, took two months off from contacting her after she broke up with me, and generally don’t want to see her regularly, she texted that I am cold and have no concern for anyone’s wellbeing except my own. That’s her narrative which is fine. You can’t control anyone’s narrative or should you want to do so. People think what they want about you.
I think that boundaries are personal. And when someone has to attack your character or call you names when you have them instead of approaching you from a place of curiosity or even expresses disagreeing with your decision, you don’t need to have contact with the person.
Conversely, Scorpio made conversation with my friend, was charming and affectionate, met hew people and quietly engaged by her presence in group last night. Except for being water signs in their sun sign, they have nothing in common.
I went to this discussion group one time with my ex-GF and it was fine yet not connected. That’s how we are now. Fine and have no connection.
I was low energy this week and moody AF. I took two Z strain last night and also drank one cup each of valerian and melatonin tea. I feel really well this morning and will be able to to attack work.
When I was married, she and I became strangers rather quickly. It’s shocking to me that we stayed together as long as we did. It certainly wasn’t related to complacency. We fought like a mf.
I don’t mind fighting honestly. In fact, in my experience, it shifts things in your relationship and often, some changes accompany conflict.
Scorpio and I have been able to address an undercurrent that we have. I don’t need to revisit it; however, because it’s come up in February and in April, she may need to do so.
I’m sexually motivated. In fact, it’s been rare for me to have a romantic partner who is as sexually motivated as I am. Historically, I have had two who were and they weren’t women with whom I had a real relationship.
One was basically a defensive liar. She led with a lie about her career when she met me and then pulled a Bill Clinton. She was, like me, sexually motivated. I interact with her superficially sometimes and have for about 2-years and she grosses me out because she has never apologized for letting me run with her lie. The point is that we had a good sexual connection.
Another was a woman, who lived out of state and had also lived in AK for awhile, whom I really had nothing in common with beside sex. She reminded me a of a cowgirl. And we had really good sex. We spent a couple of weekends together and she helped me to spring into dating again after my heart was broken at a level that I’ll probably never have again, which is good.
I’m still like I was in 2009 and 2012 and that is a Solo.
My priority is my relationship that I have with myself and times that I have let that falter has affected my romantic partners.
To address my primary relationship I have since the pandemic lifted taken Solo Vacations when the academic year ends. This year it’s later than it usually is–yet still before it becomes summer–and I had to schedule it around my BFF’s and GF’s schedules. Although, I am a Solo, I care deeply about my connections.
I’m looking forward to the majority of my work winding down this year and recalibrating. I like to put the most healthy version of myself into relationships.
I have now spent four nights in a row with Scorpio. We laugh constantly, ask each other good questions, are touching each other always, and find magic and beauty everywhere we go. And we simply keep talking and working on things. We’re super compatible.
One of her friends was turning 57 so she decided to throw herself a birthday party. I drove and took Scorpio to it so she could do whatever she wanted. When we left that night she said to her friends, “Because sober (and pointed to me) and then she said, ‘not sober,'” while she referenced herself.
The following morning we drove to the southwest for a vacation. We had three nights together and a standalone casita at a B&B.
I wanted to her to see one of my favorite places on earth. I had spent my first honeymoon mostly in the town that we’d first driven to and have been going back for years. We ate dinner in the town and walked around a little bit before driving on to another county to our B&B.
I love chile rellenos and this one was phenomenal and unique
I’ve written about this factor before and it’s that I can’t get in hot springs or hot tubs. However, I thought it super important that Scorpio have some hot springs times. There is a world famous one around where we were staying, but I didn’t want to do something that everyone does. I like standing out when I’m dating a woman. So, she and I took a hike and went to a wild one.
One of the pools was in the 90s and the other one at its depths reaches 106. Everyone was clothed so Scorpio didn’t take off her bikini bottom, but she did soak topless. All of it was hot.
There was a guy in the top pool with us. After awhile, he began conversation with us both. He was an artist and somewhat of a poet. He left the pool to go to the river and I couldn’t believe that he was swimming in it. When he came back I remarked on that and he told me to go and it would be good medicine. I told him that it was too cold. He said, “That’s not very Scorpio of you.” I realized that he was referencing my largest tattoo as I was in a bikini and I told him that was just my Moon. I stood up and said, “What am I?” while exposing it sideways and he said, “A Virgo,” and I said, “Yes, and can you see my ascendent? It’s in Libra.” I can’t remember exactly what he said, but it had to do with how troubling my combo is and I said that emotional turmoil is pretty common for me.
Then I got bold and popped out of the pool, crossed the lower muddy one and dipped my feet in the river. It was so frigid and immediately made me shiver so I just slid into it. Then I got out and sat looking at it. The artist said, “Ten seconds! Just breathe into it.” I submerged my entire body and looked into the canyon counting. My heart was pounding and I had to continue to remind myself to breathe. I began slowly counting. When I got out, a couple in the low pool said that I was in there longer than 10-seconds. I’m proud. I like being tough.
I had neglected to remember my change of clothes. They were back at the B&B. That was a potentially problematic thing because we had dinner reservations for a super nice restaurant on Sunday night. Scorpio said that she would dress me. We stopped into a cannabis lounge, and both went to the bathroom together and she said that I was absolutely not staying in a wet bikini top. I’ve definitely been without panties a few times in my life, but not without a bra… I stayed in my t-shirt and Scorpio lent me her overalls which were capris on her and hit me above my ankle. I put on sandals and subbed out my Hokas. I was presentable.
Scorpio is so nurturing.
We had a wonderful dinner. We had a long drive back and I smoked my first legal pot that I’ve ever had. It was a 1-1 ratio of CBD and THC and caused me a great, mellow high. I was so glad not to get paranoid. I think that I smoked pot from 29-34; although I lose track of the dates the main thing that I remember was that it was well before there were dispensaries and such.
The next day we did an art gallery and trekked around together. We had a late lunch at one of my favorite restaurants in the world. I bought her a bracelet and then we wound up on a rooftop. I had peppermint tea and she drank a latte. We got back to our B&B at a reasonable hour and she built a roaring fire that she tended to for hours.
I told her specifically that I loved her and that I was so grateful for this vacation.
The next day she had to work in the morning and then we left for home. She played a poem for me when we were in a mountain pass. We talked through our communication patterns, what we hope that we could be building, and then when we were both ready to starve, found a restaurant about 2-hours from home and had dinner by a river.
Recently, I had listened to an episode of the podcast “Solo: The Single Person’s Guide to a Remarkable Life” which was about aloneliness, which is when a person starts to get stressed out because there isn’t time to be alone. That is something that I get because I’m introverted.
We all know the Goyte song from 2011 that has the lyrics about telling oneself that a relationship is right and feeling lonely when together with the partner.
I felt that with my ex-GF and my ex-wife many months.
At this point, I am often pretty tired and need me time because a new relationship while exciting, is also consuming.
Dan Siegel writes about the importance of having time in. I need that. I’m going to make a plan to give myself a specific morning and nightly routine to regulate. I also have some things that I’d enjoy working on.
I like to write and also need to work on promoting my book.
Scorpio and I have been talking about polyamory.
For her, she doesn’t want to be limited or told what to do.
For me, I have what I want in her right now. She’s my girlfriend, she’s a travel companion, and she’s also an anchor partner. I define the latter as a person who knows and cares about your day-to-day.
I went on a date on Saturday afternoon. It was with Ph.D.
She is smart, funny, and open.
I felt absolutely no romantic draw to her.
That gave me pause.
The following morning when I was in bed with Scorpio I told her that I was going to get a lot of shit from several of my friends for being monogamous right now. And she said that was a them thing. I asked her what she meant and she said, “______, it’s not like it’s really a poly card anyway, but you’re open. Yes, you’re not specifically putting out seeking energy right now, but it doesn’t mean that if you felt a pull that you wouldn’t see what it was about or limit yourself with a potential connection with a woman.”
I think that much of it is that I’m not lonely at all right now, and with this relationship being so fulfilling at this point in time, I don’t want anything else.
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