Tag Archives: One Love Foundation

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Fallout

I had to admit to Hockey last night that I do like to fight sometimes.

Relationships can become stagnant and conflict is inevitable.

If people are being their authentic and whole selves, they will disagree with you occasionally. Things you do will impact them in ways that wouldn’t impact you similarly. It’s also possible to have different feelings, emotions, and sometimes reactions.

I know that elicited a couple fights I was with my ex-GF because she is just so neutral about everything. Scorpio sent me an IG last week which referenced an article about Botox which related to my ex’s presentation and how she is in relationship. When you paralyze your face with a neurotoxin you’re not able to express yourself normally, which in turn affects internalizing and externalizing behaviors. That made sense. Botox would naturally blunt you and also restrict your range of expression. It also curbs your need for sex. All the information checked out.

Yesterday at work I had to restrain a client which always sucks. He also got me in the mouth (busted lip) and when I was turning his body he got a huge handful of my hair, I was able to release his fingers and get him fully turned; however, he popped me really good in the nose before I had him contained. My blood was everywhere. He got really upset and began crying harder. I was really glad to have had 4-hours of personal leave which would’ve been used for driving to the music festival to camp with Scorpio.

I did a ton of yardwork. Talked to Hockey on the phone. And also texted Brooklyn who immediately called me when I told her about the restraint. The latter was pretty gross because I spit out blood clots until about 4 pm or so yesterday. Hockey is as she always is–supportive. Brooklyn said, “I’m going to get all witchy Italian on you right now.” She wanted to tell me what she noticed on Saturday night.

“Ok.”

“When you opened those cookies and we asked where you’d gotten them and you said that your morning date baked them, she visibly reacted. It was on her face and in her body.”

“That’s surprising. I’ve been dating for probably six weeks. And when I sent her a couple of kind texts on Sunday night when she was at ‘brunch’ and it was met with ‘goodnight sweetie I had a threesome situation xxooxx.'”

“She’s not poly.”

“She’s had waaaaay more experience with all types of polyamory than I have. And I just move slow on the sex piece.”

“Her threesome, and the text was retaliatory.”

“How come I’m the one who’s controlling, manipulative, monogamous and need to go fuck someone?”

“I’m telling you, when the cookies came out, she was affected. That should be a lead in in your writing.”

“I think that when the cookies came out, I became monogamous.”

We had a good laugh about that one and when we hung up I kept working on the side path in my front yard to remove weeds out of the bricks and was laughing out loud like a lunatic. I texted Brooklyn later about that I’m sure that my neighbors think that I’m a lunatic laughing loudly to myself and she texted, “The best thing about being Italian is being a lunatic.”

Maybe all of her behaviors–her silence, her insensitive text, some of her cursory and scant texts for the next two days–were all designed to provoke a reaction in me.

I will say that when I found out exactly what the encounter was I said, “That’s nothing! That wouldn’t put me at risk for anything either.”

And it’s not. But, it’s not something to text. It’s not a phone call conversation either. She should have spoken to me about it and told me that she had some romance / intimacy and that she’d like to speak with me.

I tell her every time that I have a date. And she has some kinda feelings about me not getting intimate right away with dates. I don’t want to do that. In fact, I probably wouldn’t have slept with her on date three if we hadn’t been out of town. I do move slow. The point of it is that it wasn’t about sex, it was about timing and tact. She was tactless.

Instead of speaking to me with appropriate volume, she just spent at least 10-minutes yelling.

I grew up in a house full of yelling. My ex-wife was volatile and reactive. She would yell and also slam things. One time she threw something down the stairs and damaged the paint.

I’m not going to do any volatility anymore. I also think that adults should be able to acknowledge raising their voices and say, “Let’s talk another time.”

I’m resolved.

In addition to being volatile, she was out of control. I think that she engaged in behavior all afternoon through the end of the night on Sunday to sabotage our relationship.

That is a bummer too. We had a wonderful connection and I am in love with her.

Scorpio’s accusations landed in a manner which felt belittling. I’m not any of those things that she said, and my concern was about my two kind texts being met with the goodnight I was in a threesome bit. I’m entitled to my feelings no matter what. And all three of my friends said that text was mean and like a bait.

LA came over for dinner last night. When she finally understood what had happened she said, “Run. It’s been four-months. These things are not going to get any better, and in fact, she’ll just start blowing up about small things.”

Volatility combined with completely lacking any accountability with my concerns felt disrespectful. Loving connections are those in which responsibility is not deflected.

I took her stuff: ear plugs, a couple of clear rubber bands, sunscreen in addition to stuff for her dog over to her porch.

She’s out of town camping. I just ate the expensive pass that was mine for the music and camping.

I also had figured out a way to use a sock band around her extra motion sickness device that no longer has the loop on it so it pops off. I had charged it so I could have one at my house and figured out how she could wear that as a back up. Our intention was that I always had her extra charged in my car in the event that we wound up driving somewhere.

It felt great to put all that stuff on her porch.

In my haste leaving her house on Thursday night I left my cutting board. I’d also left my coffee packets and the ones that I need to send back to recycle because we were to take both of those things camping when we were at the music festival. I don’t care about those three things really. She’ll probably throw out the cheese that I had on my steak salad. I cooked for us on Thursday night. The food that I made was amazing.

I’m not a great spouse.

I’m a stellar girlfriend.

No matter how much my heart has moved, I’m not going to be in a romantic relationship with a woman who yells.

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Health

I’m a health fanatic. I watch my step count. Every week I lift, run an interval for 20-minutes, and do a cardio routine with 90 reps of hip and leg sets. I also eat fruit and vegetables and try not to eat things out of bags. I drink water and coffee and rarely drink.

I have also had only 11 sexual partners which is one of the lowest numbers that I’ve heard of with unmarried people in their 50s.

I like dating a lot. I like connection. My sex drive isn’t as such that I would engage in casual encounters. I don’t need it like I did in my 30s and love connected sex. I had two partners in my 30s who I slightly regret the speed in which we were intimate.

My jobs are trying at intervals during 10-months of the year. I have made a decision that I need to meet with my pension organization in the fall. I need to know if I have 3 or more years left. I’m tired of jugging responsibilities and these often impact my health when I’m overwhelmed. Work life balance can certainly affect all aspects of my life.

That doesn’t mean that I would tell anyone how they should do health, work and sex.

Scorpio and I had a date on Saturday. I drove to her house and brought her to my friend, Brooklyn’s house. We had a good time with her. Scorpio is very social so she likes hanging out with other people too. We had fun, connected sex that night. I took her home so she could get ready for brunch on Sunday late morning.

I didn’t hear from her again until after I’d slept about 3.5-hours.

I had texted her at 7:30 pm that I hoped that brunch was fun and that I had a wonderful 36-hours with her and that I appreciated her. That night I went to bed at 9:30 and sent the “Goodnight” text with the hug and kiss emojis. When I randomly woke up at 1, I think that what I had was a drunk text. And it included information about a threesome.

Then she was in a bad mood via text on Monday and on Tuesday. Her texting was cold. And she has to get an extraction and probably a bone graft on Wednesday, and I’m willing to take her to that appointment and get her back to her house. However, she was in a bad space and barely asking me a single question. Some was related to drinking, which she doesn’t do often. I know that some is related to the way she is impacted by my dating that I’m doing. I wasn’t sure how to bring it up last night. And I was in a hideous mood anyway (work, second date with Portland, wibbles about a threesome, and feeling behind in my giant house and yards).

I eventually asked her for an 8-second hug to see if it would reset my nervous system. It did. In fact, she continued to hold me. Later when I was putting the final touches on dinner I felt my vagus nerve reset. It hadn’t done that in a few weeks. We adjorned to her movie room and office to talk.

She said that she trusted me enough to be around me when I’m in a bad mood because she knew that I would bring it up if it had anything to do with her. I told her that unprotected penetrative sex that could lead to my contracting HPV would be something that would affect my mood. I get that was direct.

However, I didn’t deserve what happened. She cried and sometimes when she does she also yells. That feels like weaponizing tears to me. In fact, she told me that I was 1) controlling, 2) manipulative, 3) a bisexual shamer, 4) monogamous, 5) a repeat of her ex-boyfriend of 3-years, and that I needed to go fuck someone.

Last night marked the 2nd time that I have had to tell her that I don’t want empty sex.

I was so proud that although she was yelling that I said that I had not heard from her in 9-hours and assumed brunch was that: 1-4 hours max. I told her that I sent a text saying that I had a great 36-hours with her and it was met with a threesome text. That was so off the mark. To hear nothing from her and then have something insensitive in response to my text regarding appreciating her made me feel bad.

She told me that 1-4 hours for brunch was an “assumption,” and went back to saying that we don’t have “rules,” and all kinds of other things that make me monogamous. It was so strange. And, I was done being yelled at. I said, “You’re yelling still. I don’t think that I can do this.”

She finally said, “Bye.”

After my former sister-in-law was murdered I began utilizing curriculum that is used mostly with young people (high school and college age) that helps recognize the Signs of Heathy and Unhealthy relationships. I was so glad that a colleague recommended the training to me. It took me weeks to get through it and I use it personally and at work. The curriculum is a family’s sublimation effort as a result of the murder of their daughter whose ex-boyfriend killed right before she graduated from college.

I mention it because no matter what, no one should be yelled at. I mention it too, because having my check-in text met with a flippant threesome text was hurtful and would’ve hurt anyone. Instead of acknowledging my feelings, regardless of how I brought it up, she unloaded on me. That’s not love.

I’m not going camping today or this weekend. I have very little to apologize for–I just don’t have ways to bring things up to her generally. We see each other midweek and spend weekend dates together. Our texting isn’t great, and she doesn’t like to text. She’s also not a phone call person. We’re good in person. We’re not good at conflict.

I think that if she wants to continue to spend time with me that we need to have a friendship.