Category Archives: Summer

I couldn’t stand this summer on the whole. There was personal strife, but also it was deathly hot and people in my local world were affected by a big tragedy.

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Futures

I think that because I have always put out the intention that she is the one who I want to be with, that there is a chance that we can be together.  I got two therapist’s vitaes and saved them to a file that I’m making, which includes a contact who was recommended by one of my colleagues who is also my friend.  The timing is bad though, because she is still trying to finalize that property division between her and her ex-partner, and continues to work around the clock.  Dust really needs to settle for her before she can have a partnership and build something with her son as a family.

She had a date with a woman who got gamey and strange this summer.  Sounds so familiar to me because I have dated for five-years and can’t even count the number of them that I have been on–many of which have yielded nothing–and I have been with two women for more long-term situations.  I was with her for 8-months and was with my ex for much of two-years.  However, I find it troubling that the commitment piece has not been mutual for me for large amounts of time given who I have chosen.  This time around, I am hopeful that she and I can build a real commitment, which is based in passion and the desire for companionship with one person.

I can hold that I did make mistakes with her during the 8-months that we were together.  I also think that when things get tough, I tend to be more committed to bouncing than the girl.  I think, “Fuck this.”  That is not the stuff of an ltr.  I want to think, “I will stop at nothing to make this relationship work.”

We are going away for two nights.  Given that neither of us are campers, I’m sure that it will be interesting to say the least, but I am excited to get to spend time with her in the mountains and be around her friends finally.  I have met briefly many of them, but have not had time with them in typical conversation.  I also just want to be outside with her and trek around.  We have not gotten out of town together in 10-months.  I can really sense where things had gone awry previously and where they should go in our future.

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Immediacy

So, when I work with kids and also do some work with adults I sometimes have to ask them, “Where are you right now and what are you experiencing?”  That kind of in-the-moment focus helps one not drudge up the past and also aids the ability of a person to be fully present and focused on moving forward.  She came over late last night and we just enjoyed each other fully, and I also made a full breakfast this morning for both of us and my son.  One of the highlights was when my son’s dog busted into the bedroom and lain her body on her.  I told her, “That one is mine, and you’ll have to find your own.”  She loves her and it is obviously reciprocal.  We wound up being all of us piled in the bed and she held my son too.  It was a sweet morning.

Last night she told me that she wanted to get naked and I said, “Well, that sounds great to me,” and she quickly followed it up my affirmation by saying, “Well, not a naked cuddle.  My intention is to fuck, so I just want to be clear.”  I actually really like how direct she is, and still hold that hers and my sex life is incredible and would be impossible to parallel.  We had quite a lot of sex and then drifted off to music via my iPod in a docking station.  It was nice.  We would have had some more lovemaking this morning, but we got in pj’s because my son was awake and all cuddled together eventually.  I can still smell her perfume in my room and will be missing her tonight while she is in the mountains with her mother and son and some of her “adopted” family.

I told her that I just want to hang out with her.  She told me that she just has to be sure.  I told her that there is no “for sure” things, but that I’m not about to bottom line our situation or think that she should trust me within 6-months.  She said that if I gave her an ultimatum, she would bounce.  I didn’t remind her that I told her that I didn’t want to continue after we had tried to reconnect in July and she presented like a corpse, and that it was she who continued to contact me constantly.  I honestly thought because I had hooked up with a girl a few times, and also had two different dates with two different girls that we would never speak again.  Then she got it, and that was if we truly were operating with immediacy, we need to just enjoy and not be so damn guarded.  Saying, “my intention is to fuck” is a great start.  We need to stay here…  Laughing, talking, enjoying each other and our intimacy as best as we are able given very busy and separate lives.

I still love her and told her all last night and this morning.  We do love each other.  We do have incredible amounts of passion and wonderful intimacy in convo and also the sexual realm.  I know that we are in love, and hope that we have the ability for a commitment.  She told me that I treat her better, am not selfish, and say things that are sweeter and sound different than they did before.  She is still grieving her loss, working on finalizing all aspects of her “divorce” from her partner who she has not been with in 7-years, and just wants me, to be me.  I can do that.  It’s the only way I know.

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Actually different

I get it now, but it took all this time away and my holding that her ability to withdraw emotionally from me would not work ever again.  I want to maintain a connection with her, and don’t want her to pull away when she is scared or when she feels like she has to control a situation.  The only thing that I think that wigs her out right now is that I slept with a girl when we were separated this summer.  I also had a couple of other dates too.  I don’t think that she understands that I just take what she says to me at face value, so if we are broken up, I’ll do whatever.  Ultimately, I’m looking for a partner and one to raise my son with in the end.

I knew that I was in trouble when she got out of her driveway and that was more than a month ago.  My attraction to her is intense and consuming, which is why I didn’t want to see her.  So, we talked and laughed and she said some funny stuff to me.  I kept turning red, which is actually completely ridiculous when you have been with a woman for eight months, but she still really does it for me.  At one point she said, “How many times are you going to get into your pantry when you blush?”  She also made some jokes about being dead inside and I told her that I was glad that there was no formaldehyde anywhere around because I just wanted us to be genuine with one another.  So, we were.  It was easy.

I do understand that this venture won’t be all easy, but I don’t want any of that back and forth bullshit that we had.  So, I just lay low and wait until she wants to connect.  With all the shit that goes on in her life, I’m glad that she does make as much time for me as she does, and it’s a lot.  We had a nice weekend together this weekend.  It was a date on Friday and a little connection plus time with her son on Saturday.  That is good enough for me.  I’m just going to see how things play out this year, and then go from there.

I still love our sex life.  I still think that she is funny and sexy.  I love her eyes.  Her body feels perfect in my hands.  I very much like that she thinks that I’m funny, a great lover, and that I’m smart and intellectually stimulate her.

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Never over

I let her have dinner with me two weeks ago.  I don’t know what this experience will ultimately entail, but I know that based on some interpersonal work that she is doing, that she is different.  I know too, that she wonders if she’s lost me or if I will suddenly starting dating someone.  She was funny and open, and that’s a side that I have not seen since last fall.  She is in there, but is scared that I will just decide to explore intimately one of the connections that I have with either of these girls.

The first girl is obscenely too young for me.  A ten-year age different also involves some stage of life disconnects that would impact a relationship significantly.  It is also obvious that she is mad at me for breaking our date last weekend, but I don’t have the bandwidth to see two girls at once.  She was somewhat remote yesterday and promised to call Sat, and did not, so I didn’t say when I approached her that I was back seeing my ex.  No reason to when after our date you didn’t contact me much.  I think that I got one text, so it was simple for me two weeks ago to say that I had too much going on and couldn’t keep our date.

The other girl is quite reserved and shy, so she won’t make a move and honestly, she would be a wonderful friend to me, and that should be where it stays.  I seek passion.  She gives me those non-hug hugs as well, so nothing will ever happen.  I kind of am an introvert collector, but it’s been much easier for me to date an extrovert.  I’d rather that she and I just spend time together to get a good friendship on track anyway, because my extremely social lifestyle would put her over the edge if we had a relationship.

I had to change some plans with my ex this past weekend and she came unhinged.  I reacted too much to it too.  I need to remember that she has not gone on a vacation in 8-years and that she works around the clock most weeks.  I don’t want to call her at work again, but will answer when I am able at my work.  Changing plans is not good, but I don’t come unhinged when they are changed.  I’m ultimately more flexible and patient though.

The appeal still is that last fall was gorgeous in every way, and that we have a deep emotional and physical connection.  She held me tight on Saturday night and told me that she was too spent to make love and told her that was fine.  She said, “Who is this?” I told her most of the truth, and that was that sex will usually happen if you have a strong connection and I noted that during our summer of separation.  Another factor is that for a minute this summer, I kinda dated a girl who would have shown up to do me any day of the week, and that left me empty.  I want my sexual activities to matter every time that I do it.  Yesterday morning we had a couple hours of wonderful contact that was some of the best that we have ever had.

I just want to hang out with her when it makes sense, less the intensity that ultimately feeds problems.  I don’t have to engage when she is angry about something that has only to do with me on the periphery.  I could date, but I don’t want to date.  It’s too much work unless someone is honest about being into you and has confidence and drive to meet you half-way.  I’d rather get the things done that I have to, and continue to work on a possibility for relationship with my ex.  It seems crazy, but deep, passionate love is crazy.

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BME

So, I talked with my ex last night and the conversation felt comfortable.  I wound up thinking, “Maybe it is possible to to friends with an ex?”  However, today when she learned that I had some dates, and of course, sex, she FREAKED out.  I don’t have anything to apologize for a damn thing that I do, as we are not together, but she wigged completely out.  Let it be known that she and I had not had any intimacy for three months.    She continues to tell me about all the offers that she gets, but that she can’t take any of them because she “cares for me” and that is not even accurate.  She had told me about a reading that she had done said that this is her closure year and not a good time to start a relationship, so that’s the reason.  Whatever the reason, you broke up with me every month for three and in the third, I started agreeing with you.  Tonight, you told me in an e-mail that you’d go to therapy with me.  However, that is not bait that I will take.  Have your date on Thursday.  Good for you!

I had two today.  I thought that this girl from church was really cute, so I asked her out.  We picnicked and took a long walk around the park.  I embraced her after we parted after a couple of hours and she squeezed my right bicep.  Yep.

My cycling partner introduced me to this other woman who came to dinner tonight.  She dressed up, brought wine, and talked at length with me.  I liked this evening.  I was worried that she didn’t talk, but she does, and is smart and very stable.  I liked her.  She is a week and two years older than me.  My first date (lunch) is 10-years younger.

Wow.  There is certainly a beginning, middle, and end when you break up completely with the woman who you thought that you were going to marry.  And I’m very interested to see what shall unfold with these two women.  I had a great ending to my weekend!

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Willpower

It is hard when you are getting to know a girl with whom you wonder if she has a lifestyle that could fit yours to not text your ex back or even engage with her.  I supposed that it just goes back to what my psychologist said and that’s you can’t control her contacting you, and you can control your reaction to it.  So, she has been all over my social media page and commented on one activity and a picture of my son, and I thought that the text that I had gotten while I showered was from the woman who I am currently seeing, but it was from her wishing me a happy workday and telling me that the office is lucky to have me.  It’s sad, because she does this…  She treats people like shit and wonders why they don’t engage with her after the fact.  My reaction is that she still has a very strong hold for me and I can’t contact at all for three-weeks and that’s just for a bday wish.

My current and I haven’t really rebounded from the fight, but we did have sex last night very late and connect.  Because of the disagreement, she makes lots of jokes about our fight, and some of her jokes have that injured feel.  She is probably like me and that is basically a forgiving person, but she is incredulous that it will happen again.  There are some things that I must accept about her.  She is loyal to her roommate and believes that she meets her needs less sex, she is still very much tied to the negative feelings about her ex and some border on emotional vengeance, and she does not see longterm potential in what we have.

I tend to go with what the person who I am dating gives to me.  She is sweet.  She is earnest.  She has a free and easy lifestyle and does not want to be constrained in particular; although she enjoys time with me.  I suppose that I am open to meeting another woman, and that part of me feels sad that this is my approach with such a sweet girl who I can laugh with so easily and who makes time for me.  I will take over the next who knows how long the lessons that I get from her and add it to what I am ultimately seeking.  I still am looking for a compatible partner.

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Semi-gf

Remember in “Singles,” when one of the main characters is sitting in a coffee shop and says, “Hand me that phone, I am going to call my new, semi-girlfriend?”  I don’t know if I even really want one right now, and I do know that my schedule is daunting for all who are around me.  I was with my best friend and her family yesterday and she said, “Isn’t there one night that we can have dinner together next week?”  Things are going to go from busy to insane within seconds here, so I don’t know what I am capable of in terms of relationship maintenance.

Also, I would NEVER live with girl until I have known her a year, so I am not sure when you switch your relationships when many falls come around, how you will have a partner to do the day-to-day with you.  I told her and it is unfortunately very true that I have been part of a catch and release program for sometime now.  However, what I imagine myself being in is a longterm partnership.  That is what I’m seeking though in all honesty.

She left yesterday morning before I left to take my dog on a walk.  She was in text contact most all afternoon and then came over to connect and have more sex in the late afternoon.  I didn’t ask her to come over, but she kept asking what I was doing and when I would have my son with me again.  Then she had a family situation to deal with, which stressed her out, and we wound up talking quite a bit on the telephone before bed.  Then she texted and said that she still wanted to be talking to me, so we did.

She is sweet.  She is romantic.  She is an earnest and aggressive lover.  She is young.  She is scared to be vulnerable and open with me, so I will do what I do with anyone in that boat and that is give space to her while being consistent and solid.  In conclusion, I really do like her, enjoy time with her, and am grateful to have a girl to sleep with and connect to while I am working on my wounds.

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Momentum

I feel really good.  I think that although I did coerce her into coming over last night that I was good to her.  She was sore given her camping trip and fast-paced lifestyle that she has.  Also, she had not slept in four-days.  I should have taken melatonin, so I could have slept more soundly after I gave her a deep massage.  Next time…  Saturday that is.  I felt bad that we woke up a lot because I am–let’s face it–stoked to have a naked woman wake up next to me what will be three times this week.  That is so rare for me, and is honestly what I’m looking for longterm.  As is someone to make breakfast for everyday.  That was nice too.

I told her that my lifestyle may not work for her because this will be my busiest 10-months, but if she just wants to see what may develop given that I love hanging out with her and enjoy our sex life, then we can just see what it’s like when we spend more time together and settle into the fall.  We really had some good chemistry there and it is sooooo good to be back in the saddle again.  With my ex, things that were that satisfying became few and far between, so it’s also gratifying.

I’m just going to take this situation day-by-day.  She has housemates who are like family to her, and she frankly does not want to disrupt that much, so it may be that she is not really in the boat for a partner.  I’d be fine with us just having sex and seeing each other when we could and then becoming friends after I’m done with this busy, busy year.  What will be, will be and I feel so much better than I did and am grateful to not be pining for last fall with my ex.

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A taste

That is the bad thing about sex when you are not used to having it as much as you’d like…  You want more.  Damn.  She is out-of-town and I have my son.  I suppose that we will sleep together this weekend anyway.  Damn again!  I wasn’t going to do this kinda thing with her.  Physically, she is not really my type at all, but maybe I’m just so happy to liked for who I am and have someone interacting nicely with me that thinks who I’m sexy and smart.  That’s a good thing.  Sooooo superior to selfish, negative, and creepy when you are unwilling to drive to me, are unsure that I have longterm potential, and want to be free of sexual intensity.  Well, the latter sure has a different spin when you fuck until 5 in the morning and then do it again at 7.

I did tell her that she needs to be dating a non-mother and probably someone her age or younger.  She said that she has done younger.  I will tell you too that she was the first thing on my mind today as were some of the particulars from the 6-hours of sex.  When I called her this morning, I told her that I have no idea what we are.  The thing is that I just want to take a year and see, but I also want her to find someone way less complicated than I am.  I will be working constantly August – May and I have full custody of my son.  That is not constant sex, which is something that she likes.

I can also tell you that for right now, she is nice to talk to and that I’d do her right now if she was in town and I could get a sitter.  I fell in love hard once and it was simple for three-months, so now I think that I feel more comfortable going back to slow, organic development.  I shall see and truly have an ease with her, so I will just take each day with her and see what becomes of it.

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30-day trial is not applying right now

I had hot sex last night and this morning with a friend of mine.  She and I have known each other very vaguely, but we have been hanging out a ton since mid-June.  We went out and when the night waned on, I realized that I was going to sleep with her.  She is also vaguely in love with me, which made it flattering.  She is very smart too, so when we talked about our fate and a one-time thing, it was obvious to me that is just want she wanted as well.  It was nice, and it was very nice to forget about my ex for many hours.

The only thing is that she is ready to date, and I can date every other weekend.  Given that she does not have kids of her own, that is what we could do.  I told her what we both already knew…  We are at different stages of life, that I would not bring my son around our dating, and that she is worth way, way more than a rebound thing.  She deserves the whole package.  I need to heal up completely anyway.

I won’t sleep with her again anytime soon.  I want to do social things with girls and build up my circle of friends.  I used to say that I don’t do my friends, and I wouldn’t, but I just wanted arms around me as did she, because for her, it had been a long, long time.  She is a brand-new friend anyway, because I have known of her, but not known her really until last month.  I hope that this intimate connection will be an impetus for her to meet a girl who is not a Mom to date.

The thing that is amazing is how open she is.  My ex doesn’t take anything that I say at face value.  It’s a competition or I am not being truthful.  With this girl who is my friend it is polar opposite–as are her looks–which meant that I had to talk to her somewhat about the obvious reasons for our sex.  I have no regrets.  It made me feel vital and will help cure me of my ex’s spell.

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Leave it

I think that my ex did some girl on Friday night, so of course she gets into contact with me under the guise of supporting me because something awful has happened to some of the families who I work with and that she wants to “support.”  I did think about her all day and I actually don’t care that I said that she was the one who I wanted to hug me via text.  It’s true.  I  think that she was on my mind, because there was pain and pressure resulting from the problems and we had pain in our relationship.  That was our normal rhythm.  But, I do feel good about leaving her a VM saying that I have plenty of friends and if it was 5-years later, we could totally catch up, but right now, thanks for checking in on me, but what I miss is being her girlfriend.  I do get that she will always push and pull me and that is more her issue than mine, because I’m for real.  And I know that I can leave it…  Just like my dog is typically able to do with those things that would cause her pain or she does not need.

I am glad that I’m writing, because I don’t feel jealous now.  I was in Nancy Drew mode when I woke up this morning, and really the girl (Or even if it is a guy, because she does enjoy sex with men.) doesn’t matter, but what does is after she did it, she misses me.  In fact, I completed a 9-mile hike on Friday and she commented on the album in the middle of the night on Friday.  She can’t stop thinking about me.  Me.  The one who was a blue-light special who she won’t drive to, doesn’t know if I have longterm qualities, and just needs to see if we are compatible.  Well, at the end of the day, we will not have a longterm relationship, because she will not let it just be and grow, but instead has to look for “hidden” meaning in what I say and put parameters on my behavior that she controls.  So be it.  Now, I need to focus on the fact that she’s an ex and that I don’t need another friend.

My cycling partner’s family was in town last week.  I really liked meeting her sister; although my son was a mess and making interesting choices when he was upset.  I know what we can focus on this school year, because he is actually doing much better with compliance, so now we can work on confidence.  That is a good analogy for me too.  I am a good rule follower in relationship, because although my personality is fairly strong, I usually bend because I’m naturally adaptable.  This time around I will be cognizant about where my girl bends too.  Compromise and flow.  I really like that my cycling partner’s sister said about me, “I liked meeting her.  She is such a genuine person.”  That is me, and I know that I can find genuine too, because that is honestly the energy that I put out there.  Tomorrow or later in the week, I am going to start writing about my 30-day plan.

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Realization

I don’t like nominalizations as a general rule, but I guess I am here and that is what the outcome is because I’m completely single and it is one of those abrupt ending things.  I got really angry with her because her approach is competitive and superior.  I realized that would be hard for me and my son to navigate when she and I fought.  I was also really hurt when what I was reduced to was 1) not be willing to drive to me, 2) not sure if I had longterm qualities, and 3) wanting to date in a casual, but exclusive way.  All of smelled of I want you to know how not into you that I am, and you have to chase me while I call all the shots.

I have realized that I am at least initially attracted to these controlling, addict types of women.  They have this appearance and semblance of security wherein they really just want to craft a world that includes how others around them will behave.  I don’t actually miss her, but I miss the way it felt to fall in love with her initially.  How does one keep love going?  I think I could have had I not been attacked so often.  That I do not miss or do I miss the way that she would loose her temper walking her dog or when an employee of hers did something that she didn’t agree with in terms of performance or decision-making.  She is the type of woman who puts others on the constant defense in general.  I think that she likes to be intimidating, because then when those around her have had enough and leave, she can tell herself that they had failings or weren’t accountable.

I used to be so sweet to her.  I was reduced in the end to being hopeful, but ultimately realizing that we would always have an external factor in our relationship, which at the end was halting the physical component in our relationship.  I have great friends and I do get to see them often, but I do live alone with my son and my dog.  I don’t want to be living in this big house without a family that includes partnership.

I learned that I can be rawly vulnerable.  I mastered the ability to connect before and during sexual intimacy.  I developed the desire to keep my body as strong as is possible with many duties that I have.  I have started to put things that are small first in my house so I live in order each day.  I know that I am worthwhile and that I deserve lasting love, and even though everyone says that we all deserve to be loved, I appreciate working toward it and making changes that I can.  I will make mistakes, but I’m willing to behave differently.

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Can’t do crazy

So, she was here for a couple of hours and some change and said that we could date.  Are you kidding?  We talked about your donor and when our timeline could align, etc., and were together for 8-months.  I can’t navigate her control issues and her approach to me.  Done with the push-pull.  Will not ever answer anything from her ever again and am all set.  I just need to heal.

Let’s summarize.  She wants to “date,”  but won’t drive down.  She has no idea if I’m longterm relationship material and just wants to get to know me to see.  I’m afraid that is working with an employee from an escort service, and I know that I could use her Debit card for gas, but again, I’m looking for a partner.  I thought that is what we both were looking for, but she’d rather stay stuck in old patterns and saying that I hurt her too much.  So, I guess it’s a call girl who emotionally triggers you.  No thanks.

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What does she want?

I still don’t understand where she is.  She chats me last week and says that she wants what I want too, eg. being held, co-parenting, and not feeling like she is carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders, and now the difference between she and I is that she doesn’t really have to have a partner.  Well, make up your mind.  You sure have about not going to counseling, but you still want the cake to consume don’t you?

She tells me that she misses our sex life and that we should try that as an approach.  I told her that I have had a loveless commitment, and I’ve had a fuck buddy, and now I’m seeking partner.  I guess that we have a lot to talk about today.  Again, she plays the role of seductress very well, but it feels like she has to keep one foot out.  I’m worth much more than that.  She said that we can’t make a relationship work, but doesn’t want to be analyzed or does she have time to go to counseling.  Given that she neglected to see the woman who she sees during her father’s last month, death, and disorganized funeral, I do know that the latter is true.  To be true to myself and respect myself, I can say what I want in just over four hours.

  1. I want to share my daily life with someone
  2. I want to wake up next to her and go to bed next to her more nights than not
  3. I want a family and the possibility to have more children
  4. I want to talk about things before they become problematic and evolve into bad patterns
  5. I want someone who even after some time, we still have trouble taking our hands off of each other
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Wonder

So, a brand new friend came over for the traditional 4th of July BBQ last night and we played with my son, talked, ate, laughed and connected.  Notice that I say new, because in fact, I met her at my friend’s going away party last month as that girl was moving to the West Coast.  We get along really, really well.  It’s easy and it will stay easy because of variety of reasons, but it’s sad that she does like me.  That won’t grow for me, because with sexual chemistry, I can feel it immediately and if I can’t imagine things, I don’t stare into your eyes, at your mouth, look at your ass, and glance at your hands, it won’t happen ever.  I know that is not cool, but I’m wired that way and passion doesn’t grow for me.

I was not only thinking how odd it was that she and I can just talk, but I was also thinking how good it is that when she challenges what I say that she gives me examples about what others do, etc., but doesn’t attack me or make a fundamental attribution error saying that decisions that I make, make me who I am, when in fact, they are simply decisions and not character flaws.  I also don’t like having my words dissected so they can be used as evidentiary support for why I have ulterior motives or am being deliberately evasive.  Why does my ex still have my heart?  Well, because in matters of the heart, rational thoughts don’t enter in as much as we’d like.  I told my new friend that it would really be great if I had a switch over my left breast, but I don’t, so I will just have to gain some understanding on Sunday and then make some rules.

She thinks that I will continue this waiting around thing, and I assured her that I won’t.  Otherwise, “coffee” would not have had those kinda thrilling aspects when I got compliments, or when we smiled as often at each other as we did.  I am glad she is taken, because I don’t want the swing through the rebound with a girl like her, and I really need to get my act together before I date again.  But, after some connection and time, I would be ready to date another girl again.

I wonder what Sunday will hold.  I think that I know because she is pretty transparent.  I think that she has now had ample time to build up her case for why I messed up our relationship.  That’s fine if that it is what she has to convince herself of, but I know that we’d have been fine if she didn’t start breaking up with me after the first of the year, and by the third round of it, I just tended to agree with her.  The final straw was the dramatic going into the spare bedroom when I was not only not near her or was I talking to her.  Honestly, when I think about that, I wonder why I even went up there over Memorial Day?  When you know that you have  a few good days with someone and then she goes back into a cycle of worry and anxiety, which translates into her attacking you, that will probably always be her pattern.  I don’t understand why she has my heart actually, and I wonder how long it will take to have it be ready and open for something new?

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Clairvoyance

Is this what “actual girls” really expect you to have?  There must be a reason that I have been with three Gold Stars, as they were pretty transparent.  A couple of my friends have said that my ex was my “first real girl,” but I lived with a barely bi straight girl in college, so I am not sure, but I do not get my ex.  What does she really want and expect?  I sure as hell don’t get it!  And when I was married to a man, I just wanted him to listen and not tell me what I did wrong or tell me how I should have handled things when I had a bad day at work.  I did not expect him to anticipate my needs and would directly say, “Can you just listen?  I don’t even expect you to respond,” which did translate into him making a hostile look while he listened, but then again, he does things so much better than me.  Anyway…

So, of course the contact CONTINUES.  And I don’t like the way that some social media sites keep you signed in if you are just simply using your cell, so I may disable that feature if possible.  She acts like we have been hanging out or something and can just do idle chit chat.  What kind of shit is that?!?  We have not seen each other since the 25th of May and that ended in total crap, so I am not sure what she is thinking.  She also wants to say that I am the one that is too busy, and that is bizarre too.  I asked her what was attractive about an 80-mile roundtrip in three-hours wherein I watch her paddle around a lake and get all kinds of emotions stirred up?  She changed the subject on that one!  Lord.

Sunday cannot come soon enough for me because she will just keep contacting me.  Why TF will she not go to counseling with me? I don’t get it, because if someone is on your mind this much and all you want is for them to hold you at night, then why don’t you want to make the relationship work?  I do not understand her.  I do need some loose ends tied up though so I can move on, so I really can’t wait for the weekend to get here.  I may not comprehend things any better than I do now, but we can make some rules so I don’t have to be pissed like I am.

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Dday

So, I’ve got a week.  That’s good too, because she actually is driving me nuts.  She said that she was thinking about me in a naked way last week, and a few hours later, she called and was sarcastic and flirty, and then we lost signal so she played her game by not telling me why she couldn’t call me back (She could have quickly sent a text.) until she was going to bed.  She is mean and manipulative.  The thing is that saying that to her won’t get me anywhere.  I just want to tell her that I’m not comfortable with much of a friendship until a lot of time has elapsed.  As she makes commenting on my status and activities in addition to pictures that have me in it a religious exercise, she can stalk me since she added me last week (She had taken me off when she told me that I was selfish, negative, and creepy.).  I don’t ever click to her page and may turn off any updates from her soon.

I just need to start getting over her.  My cousin is afraid that I will sleep with her next week and then feel guilty.  She needn’t.  That I won’t do; although, I am sure that she will be seductive, which is another form of her manipulation.  When she asks me directly if I’m either still attracted to her or if I want her, I will answer honestly.  Although I do, it wouldn’t feel right even in the moment because our relationship has gotten so gamey and fucked up.  I will tell her that even though I asked twice about going to couple’s counseling, her non-answer was enough for me.  I will also explain that I just need time off and I just believed that we needed to state our intentions uninterrupted and face to face.  Using her words to “not personalize it” when I don’t contact her at all should be that she understands that in order for me to heal, I don’t want to be intimately connected.  Again, maybe next July we can see what is what, but for now, we should embark on a Christmas card relationship.

We will need parameters and ground rules.  I’m going to ask that we don’t raise our voices.  I have only done that once at the end of a VM, but she is a screamer.  I also want us to completely hear each other out, and when I ask, “What do you think of that?” I would prefer that she tell me rather than say, “I’m just listening” or “I need to process,” because I know what that yields.  She keys up for why I am wrong much, much later rather than just validating how I feel.  That approach makes me really glad that I’m not her girlfriend and makes me not want to ever have her very close.

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The Right Things

I told the psychologist who I pay yesterday that I am doing all the “right things:”  biking, lifting, working in the yard as much as possible, working part-time, seeing my friends, and today I’m going to my cousin’s house so my son can play with his second cousins.  She told me chop wood, carry water is the right approach, and it is.  But, do you know what is even more important?  Getting good sleep!  I feel like a million bucks right now.  I also have a good distraction in that woman who I don’t see really, but who I got a good charge out of hanging with last Wednesday.

I want to be clear, because my only gay friend who I see often gave me a lot of shit about her.  I am not a cheater, and hope that a couple of years from now I am at their commitment ceremony.  However, I’m around if they decide that they don’t have that future thing.  I’m doing my thing an waiting for a girl like her who catches my interest, because I’m ready to be vulnerable and put it out there to try again.  Like John Cusack says in “Say Anything,” “I want to get hurt.”  I’m not a masochist, but I do believe that you have to put it all out there to really keep a lasting love.  I’m willing.

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Girls

So, I had “coffee” with her yesterday…  Because I get up before 7 everyday and at 5 August – May, I don’t actually take in caffeine often after 10, so I accidentally got there super early because I cannot tell well what the time riding will be when I use my new bike, which is very fast, and then I ate a bagel and drank water and waited.  After she got there, she asked if I wanted anything, got herself some tea, and sat down.  We didn’t talk about business.  I think that she was cognizant of that toward the end of our 1.5 long meeting and she quickly began paging through her binder and highlighting what they did.  Hmm…  She also said, “It’s obvious that you workout,” and didn’t tell me that she had a girlfriend until she was leaving.

Her eyes are gorgeous.  What a beautiful shade of green!  She also has the straightest, whitest teeth and wonderfully contagious smile.  I have to admit that her full lips are nice to watch when she talks.  I have to be honest, I was very glad that she has a girl.  I’m so fucked up about my ex, who I haven’t seen in a long time, and probably it will be two months before I do see her (meaning since the last time that I saw her).  We can explore what we are meant to, but I would be smoking pissed if my girlfriend had an hour and and a half long coffee with some girl who she had obvious good chemistry with and she made a reference to her body.  Let’s recall that she also looked at my boobs when we met at the beginning of May.  Good ego boost.

I need to disclose that I have spent 14-years of my life with Pisces.  I also had a coming out affair with a green eyed professional with the most beautiful mouth in the world (2nd Pisces).  This girl who I am getting to know is NOT a healthy clone of the drunk (also a Pisces.), it’s just the hair color and the soft butch presentation.  The drunk was like my ex.  She was full of shit most of the time and had a sales presentation.  I used to have that, and can affect it when I need to, but the drunk uses her presentation to to control conversation and people in certain respects.  This girl is soft and warm.  She is funny too and open and honest.  I felt funny that she knew very little about me, so I told her about my ex in the street when she was leaving.  I liked the way that she used my name when she left.  I tend to overwhelm Cancers, but I think that I wouldn’t with her and hope that we can hang out socially soon.  We are not business colleagues.

Nobility is going to be my approach.  I am curious when her girl moves for work what shape that will take for her.  I told her my experiences with six-states away, but her girl really does want to settle here.  We shall see how they navigate distance.  We shall also see what it feels like if she and I hang out solo when her girl moves.  I will have to exit after a few hours every night if we are going to meet one on one.  I will also have to honestly deal with my attraction–which as I have dated long enough to know is fed mutually–if it grows.  I don’t know.  I just know that coffee was interesting.

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Incredulous

I am that way because I am highly intuitive and know people prior to them showing me their hands, or even if they don’t want me to know them very well, I still have an accurate sense of who people are and how they will move through situations.  In addition to a good gut-level sense of what is what, I’m also an observer and save questions for times that I really need to ask them or want to get the focus off of me.  She and I are highly unlikely to ever be together again because I tripped some serious shit in her.

She’ll come down for dinner at the end of next month, and again, I will listen, but I will be shocked if I even get to explain why I thought that we should go to counseling.  Oh well, there really isn’t a whole hell of a lot that I can do.  I do think that she’d like a closer friendship than I will give her, but that’s not going to happen because someday I really do want a partner and keeping her that close is the classic lesbian pattern with your ex providing everything.  However, it is not the whole package and given that I took 11-years off from it, I will be ready for it when I am ready to date.   I have best friends, and don’t want another one with the exception of what I really like about being in a relationship!

Anyway, I was thinking too, when I was listening to a song by Vertical Horizon how interesting it is that we assign qualities of a deity to our lovers.  She does not, in fact, know what I’m thinking.  I don’t think she wonders about it much either.  She is just paralyzed by the fact that I could be lost to her.  I won’t do that.  I will stay in her life, but not at the expense of me.  Warm and honest, and the truth serum is my approach.  I don’t know if we will shift back into each other’s arms ever again, but I would like to have what I always found to be funny, and that is a “healthy breakup.”

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Naked

There is this song by the BoDeans that talks about being completely vulnerable, and the song title is the namesake of this post.  I figured that I would get some readership given the obsession with sex that American society has, but really to have excellent sex with someone you are also expressing some sort of vulnerability or connection with the other person.  A friend of mine sent me a Ted link today, which a presentation by a Social Work Professor in TX, and she said that in order to actually connect to another person, you must embrace completely that you are worthwhile.

I am worthwhile, and I don’t feel ashamed that I gave my whole soul and told many personal things that I had not expressed previously during my most recent relationship.  I took risks.  I have grown.  I have refined what I want and my psychologist (Who I pay) told me that I’m getting closer.  I think that I’m there and when I meet her, I will just know, and we will connect and build what we want and can attain.

Possibility

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Promise

There are some days that are just harder than others.  The thing that struck me as most odd was the stark contrast to yesterday.  My friend and I literally laughed our asses off and we went for about 33-miles on a ride around the city.  It was phenomenal as was our lunch that we cooked.  Yesterday rocked.  Today was bad.

I got tons of sleep.  I lifted weights.  I braved the heat for three-miles on my bike.  I walked a little.  My friend made me breakfast and I took a cup of coffee with her.  However, I missed my son as soon as I got up and couldn’t stomach going to a Happy Hour solo for some reason.  Then she HeyTell’ed me a couple of times.  I was courteous and wished her a good evening, but I’m not saying goodnight.  At some point, she will have to realize that she is not my girlfriend and that the friend conversion is just bizarre.  Maybe in a year, but seriously, how do you pretend that you don’t get visuals of things that would make me flush from the face down to type?

I’m reminded of the on-again, off-again story that I got in detail that fateful weekend that I just drove home in the middle of the night.  She and her most recent partner did that.  That is her M.O.  It is NOT mine.  When I’m done, I’m done.  No matter what she does two to four weeks from now when she is down here for dinner will not lead her into my bed.  If she wants me, not only does she always have to come to me for some time, but she also has to commit to some couples counseling.  I’ll be shocked if she actually goes to dinner.

I have so many plans tomorrow.  I’m hiding from my cell phone all day starting at 8:30 am.  One of my friends is home before she starts school on the West Coast, so we are having dinner at my house.  I won’t be rude and even be around my phone.  I may or may not check it before I got to bed.  That will make this next day superior.  I’m really a lucky person and know that sometimes there are just simply shit days.  And it’s summer, so the sun will shine tomorrow.

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Shift

Not the microbrew; although, I hope that my friend brings a four-pack of it today so we can have it after our ride.  We will probably do about 30-miles today and I’m feeling very, very good.  I am very much with the wave of momentum, and moving forward with my life and made it crystal clear to my ex that I won’t put up with her shit anymore.  She is coming down to dinner in July.

I’m having coffee–the girl made it perfectly clear that’s what it was–next week to work out some details of the committee work that she wants me to do for a state professional organization with the girl whose number I got as a coup.  I will tell you that when initially she had asked me if I was licensed and she said that she needs a secretary, I could only think of Maggie Gyllenhaal on her hands and knees with memos in her mouth.  Hee-hee.

This woman is a healthy clone of the drunk though.  Down to many physical details, and I need to be circumspect this time around, and she wants a professional relationship.  To be perfectly honest as well, I didn’t even look at her ass when I met her, so that’s not a good sign for my attraction.  I need more lesbian friends.  Also, I want to do tons of professional networking because it helps the profession and because I don’t want to move for internship.

I’m going to crash a women’s happy hour tomorrow too.  My one friend who’s gay can’t go because she is working a swing shift, so I will solo fly.  I want to ride bikes with them anyway and I think that they do other stuff too.  Again, I’m expanding my  horizons and looking around until I find a girl who I want to date.  I’m going in cautiously initially, but when I find a nice and sexy one, I will be open and hopeful.  My heart is free!

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Consistency

So, she did call me to talk through a situation.  She also rapid fired a whole bunch of questions at me about what’s been going on and I just described my day and my weekend plans.  She told me that she wanted to talk to me about a professional question and said that she’d “love to pick my brain,” but as we talked, it became obvious that she had weird expectations.  I can definitely consult about behavior problems and what I recommend is empirically validated and will work.

What I can’t do is ignore the elephant in the room and that is that she expects an instant friendship.  That is bizarre.  We don’t have anything and she has never honored a f2f chat with me so we can end things on a better note.  She said about two-weeks ago that it is because she would want to have sex with me.  Well, sex is consensual and I would not want to have it with her.  She is not honest or consistent, and after we hung up she texted several times that she just wanted a friend.  I told her that she has tons of friends and we are undefined.  I also told her that she asked for a professional consult, that she never has seen me in a month because she’s “too busy,” and that I have no idea what we are and what she wants from me.

She’ll contact me again.  I won’t text back.  I will ask for a phone time and directly ask her what her expectations are.  I will also ask her again if she’s in love with me and would go to counseling.  If those questions are no, then we can take a year’s worth of space and then after that time has elapsed, if she wants to contact me, she can.  Just like these past few weeks, I won’t be contacting her again.  I haven’t and I won’t.  I do wonder if I’m in love with her anymore.  Last night was bizarre and there is no way that I would even want to touch her when I’m the covert “friend” who she wanted to catch up with under the guise of a professional question.  I mean what I say and say what I mean and expect that from my friends and want that in my love relationship.

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Happy Soltice

So, of course it’s two-days in a row with texting…  It’s an occupational hazard that I have actually, and this request from her is legitimate, and I am glad to use my brain and she can make phone contact if she wants more information than the rather academic stuff that I included in text.  All in her court.  I noticed that she has a close up pic of herself in shorts and a sportsbra for her profile pic right now, so she is obviously adding “friends” quickly for later coups when she is ready to date again.  Good for her.

When she told me that she needs time to sort herself out first and then decide what she wants last week, I took the wish with her name that I had written on a journal page (One of my MH partners told me that this is a method of communicating with the Universe) and burned it.  It lit quickly and burned to about a 2-inch square and when I unfolded that, I noticed that there was no writing left.  So, that is pretty clear if I’m communicating with the Universe.

So, what I am doing is beginning to network with outdoor types of women and I’m attending a going away party tomorrow.  I won’t have had a facial, but I can cover my roots.  Although I don’t feel open to dating per se, I do feel ready to hang out with some new girls.  I want to see if my heart can move again, and don’t want temporal parameters on that, and trust that it will when it is meant to.