Tag Archives: Dating

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April Fool’s Day

The wind died down! Woo-hoo. It was so depressing. I still was able to walk 230,460 steps for March, which was good for me as of late. I bike a ton so often that’s why my step count is lower. January and February were so trying for me because I couldn’t really cycle much. I had never truly known how much of my self-care is wrapped up in riding my bike. I have this thing wherein I like my walking and cycling to add up to more hours than being in a car. I failed miserably last month:

I had a bunch of fun with my friend yesterday at lunch. I drank two IPAs. I had the best charred chicken wings ever too. I told her that I have a goal of love for others. She said, “Like polyamory?” I answered in the affirmative. She said, “What if you meet an incredible woman and she wants you to be hers exclusively?” I told her that I would say that she is a great woman and if that is what she wants she deserves someone to feel that same way about her and build something exclusive together. When I have just written out what she asked me, my stomach truly turned the strong, black coffee that I consume every morning. There is something revolting to me about possession of a person.

I do think that marriage is a great idea. When I got married in 2014, I wanted two egos in the house–as I am forever seeking balance and have it tattooed on right bicep–to help raise my son well. She did so many things for him. I really hope that if he does get done with high school midway through next month that he calls and tells her. I would have stay married to her too; although, like I told my friend yesterday, she did wind up crying 3-4 days inconsolably weekly in the last year that she lived with me. She struggles with health and wellness. I wish her well, and am grateful to her that I finished my doctorate with her help. She will get $82,500 for it, and then I will consider our chapter completely written.

I don’t want to remarry. I don’t want to cohabitate. I also truly believe that I can be in love with 2-3 women concurrently. My friend was obviously intrigued by how that could be. I told her that I had 15-years of my writing, so it’s not like a new concept to me. Speaking of which, look what I found this week:

“I wonder if I can be very attracted to several girls at once,” as written by ______ on January 17, 2013. That’s because I always am. So, as I wrote about in March as written by the brilliant screenwriter Cameron Crowe, “So what’s love?” To me it’s being moved mind, body and soul. The soul thing is consuming and pervasive. I’ve felt in twice in my life. One lasted a few months and another lasted years. I’m fine with no sex until those three conditions are met.

My friend recommended “Attached” and there are 22 holds, so I used gift cards and ordered it. I can bike to pick it up tomorrow. I’ll give it to someone after I read it. Obviously, people are wrestling with their attachments if there are currently 22 active holds.

My colleague who almost died is in FL as I mentioned and we have her daughter. Her daughter is a year younger than my son and lightyears more advanced emotionally. I don’t know why. Anyway, she talked to me last night about her attachment to her mother and how mother-daughter relationships are complicated. Mine really wasn’t. My Mom and I only fought when she told me that I was putting on heirs going to my first round of graduate school. We weren’t the same after that, but we still had a foundation and she was my touchstone and safe point. I know that she wasn’t a treat to come out to, but we had an uncomplicated foundation that is difficult to completely explain.

I sang on Thursday and some members of my doctoral group and the nice guy from work and his girlfriend and I are singing tonight. I called the dance studio and no one is there until Monday. I may drop in there on Monday. I don’t work very much on Monday anyway. My son and my colleague’s daughter practiced a little bit last night and we taught her some chords. She has an electric guitar at home. I was so grateful that she entertained my son last night. I was also grateful that my son’s Dad went through his Federal and State returns and found an exclusion for tax rate because someone claims him as a dependent. I am looking forward to my Boss’ birthday party tomorrow. Her sister is an artist and has a huge poly community. I’ll definitely be chatting with her!

Finally, I read an article in the US version of “International Business Times” about April Fool’s Day. It likely started when folks migrated from the Gregorian calendar to the Julian calendar. There have been several types of spring jest as well. Sometimes sending someone on a fool’s errand or dressing up to make fun of the powerful is part of April Fool’s Day. All of those historical reference points seem good for a night doing karaoke with physicians and professors!

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Attachment

The last time that I saw the climber was March 13th and we kissed a whole bunch in my car after I asked for a hug. That weekend I read Fraley (2019) for an updated view of attachment. The article was very good, so I printed it for her, but she wasn’t at work on the 20th having had car trouble weekend climbing so I’ve not given it to her and am re-reading it in the printed form. I’ll give it to her next Friday.

What’s sticking out to me now, upon reading the article another time, is that primary attachment isn’t likely an adult thing. That makes a ton of sense to me too, as when toddlers who were characterized as avoidant or anxiously attached would have disruptions as adolescents given that they didn’t have a safe space at home when they were going through tumult. I agree. Several hours before my Mom died I told her again what a good Mom she was and that I wouldn’t be who I was without her parenting. Had my Dad been responsible for me solely, I’d be on drugs, a drunk or dead. My Mom would stay up late until I got home from work, she would keep dinner on “Keep Warm” in the oven when I got home in the dark at 7:30 after a difficult swim practice and sit there while I ate it talking to me about school and practice. I was attached to my Mom in a secure way. But, she didn’t stay my primary figure.

My friends are really important to me, and I’m attached to them as a source of support. I have four best friends. A guy from middle school, a woman who I used to work for in TX, my best friend from my first round of grad school, and my best friend here whom I see in person usually monthly are people who I can only see or talk to occasionally, but feel connected to anytime that we’re together. I can always eat and laugh with my best friend. We have a love of music. She will Pollyanna things though and also has a bit of the “silver-lining” it. I don’t give her full details of my plights, and rather just tell her where I am once I get there.

My best friend from grad school was the one who knew that I was going through problems with my ex-wife in the greatest detail. My ex-wife would get overwhelmed with the way that I argue and the general fire that my son spews and would move out all the time. Oddly, she wanted to live partially here and partially in AZ ongoing. When she met a man on the Internet and had him in the house while I was in ME and asked my son about it when he was going to his Dad’s and I couldn’t talk to her about how inappropriate that was–you can’t date at a park or coffee shop?–I said that we didn’t need to talk anymore. I’m just paying her off right now. I’ll be completely done in either August or September. I told my best friend from grad school the whole story. She listened and said, “Wow” a lot. That’s all that I needed. I’m going to go see her in Germany in November. All this information to say that I don’t have a primary attachment figure and have several. Fraley (2019) summarizes research about adult attachment networks.

I have networks and am most interested now in consensual nonmonogamy, which is what the same article has detailed in the last section (Fraley, 2019). I want to treat lovers as I have friendships. I have so many friends. Because I moved 13 times before I turned 13 too I am adept at making new friends. I have also worked on being open. It was easier for me after I came out at 33. I can talk openly with anyone who I trust and am a good judge of character. The latter is probably an occupational hazard as I can read body language and also tone of voice better than most. I can easily tell who I should tell personal bits of information and who I should not. I don’t like to do what society tells me. I also believe that I can be completely in love with 2-3 women. Fraley (2019) that personal motivational factors can affect attachment. I am motivated to meet lots of women and also spend time with the climber when she wants to hang out with me. Stay tuned.

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Try it again

I did not have to use those simulated ice tools again. They let me simply climb. They started me on a 5.9 and the start was brutal. By the time I was 10-feet up, I was shaking. I told the instructor that it was way past my ability level. I have climbed 7 times TOTAL before, so I’m not good with mini edge pieces like this one:

You slide your foot sideways on it and are barely flat on the wall. I felt really good when the instructor who has climbed all over the nation said that the start was gnarly, and also said that it was a 5.11+ climb after she couldn’t get up it all the way. Sport climbing is pretty difficult actually. I want to get back on rock. I ought to be able to do that mid-April because the climber is so nice. I needed my pinky though and because I had bowled 6 games on Thursday, and my middle finger was a little swollen and it got more swollen climbing. I need to take really good care of my hands and joints if I want to get better at climbing. The top broken pinky joint feels mostly healed, but the bottom joint still looks a little dislocated and is pretty swollen. I’ll have the OT at work look at it again next week. No more boxing or dodgeball.

I lifted on Friday and on Sunday. I want to take my dogs hiking Wednesday. I would like to get my total steps up to 300,000 by Friday. I never quite track 10,000 per day, but always get way more heart points than is recommended. I’m only up to 174,368 steps, so I need 31,000 or so everyday for the remainder of the week. It’s doable. I have a walking lunch with a friend of mine on Friday and tomorrow I am having lunch at a colleague’s parents’ house.

I am going to karaoke with my doctoral group on Saturday. I’m going to bring the nice guy from work if he remembers. I guess that you can have friends join. The cardiologist’s friend from snowshoeing saw his picture and asked me to bring him. It’s at least slightly a prowl for me. I really want to increase my pool.

My Boss turns 40 on Sunday and is having a bash. I asked the climber, but she was noncommittal. She wasn’t rude, but has been pretty adamant lately about wanting to climb soon, and hasn’t said yes to anything else; although she thanked me for calling and inviting her to the party. She’s climbing and ice climbing for a week. We’re good though. She didn’t go to work last Monday and texted back and forth with her initiation that day. After kissing in the car when we commuted home together a couple of weeks ago today, I knew that she and I were good.

It’s so nice to not be working right now. I got all my tax stuff submitted to the accountant and now am waiting for a giant bill. I made over 131K last year, so I will pay in badly. I’m going to clean some stuff around the house too. I’m getting things done that I don’t have the bandwidth to do when I go into the office everyday.

My ex-mother-in-law texted me. She has a memory of just us eating dinner in a restaurant in NM. I don’t think it ever happened. We had breakfast with her boyfriend only, but I didn’t go to dinner with just her. I didn’t argue and recommended The Shed. I hope that she and her boyfriend like it. Neither one of us made it a thing. It was a little unsettling. I would never want ill-will between us and legitimately miss her and my ex-wife’s two sisters.

I get 9-weeks of vacation this summer. I’m going to go to OR. I’ve never been. I’m going to stay in Portland two nights and then I’m actually driving–I never do that–a couple of hours to Crater Lake. I will still rent a bike so I can do the 33-mile rim ride, but will have a car. I usually use my feet or rented cycles on solo vacations. I’m going to call two companies tomorrow morning before I go to lunch. I want to have a bike with me for a couple of days when I’m physically at Crater Lake Lodge. I’m also going to boat on a booked trip to Wizard Island. I’m looking forward to spring and summer!

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Fill Line

Whew!

I have weight machines today, but first have to drink coffee and walk my dogs. I also need to pop over to the crunch and go chiropractor because my left hip is really janky and throwing me off.

I am over the social limit. I had fun at guitar, but two teachers were talking to me during instruction, so I’ve had to practice more at home because I didn’t learn the song as well as I usually do. Bowling was fun. I was super mid averaging 115. Then Thursday we had our neighbors over for dinner and wine until 9. Friday I went to my best friend’s house and had to meet two new women. I sang like crazy, and didn’t play much. My best friend is a professional musician, so I get really shy when it’s her and others around. I could play just for her! I did sing a lot and sounded good. Yesterday two previous colleagues and I got together for Korean BBQ and Cass. I don’t even like lagers, but it was so cool and crisp–yum! Then I had a two-hour pit stop at home and my son learned the bass line for “Jumper” and brought his tiny amp that my ex sister-in-law had bought him for Christmas upstairs. It’s really fun to play. I want to sing it a little differently, so I need to memorize it. Then we went to the cowboy bar with two different previous colleagues and my current colleague who almost died and our workmate. The latter two and I do the same job. I really need to learn to dance. I have no confidence anymore. I was wishing that Owen was there. He would be patient with me, and he smells good, and is tall and gentle. I hit a wall at 11:30 and insisted that my colleague didn’t Uber and took her home. I had two big beers at 2-hour dinner, so I didn’t drink at the cowboy bar. I had a dissociative state and slept until nearly 9. I am over the fill line for being social.

This week is just as social. I have weights today, cardio with my son tomorrow, guitar class, bowling and then bowling with much of our whole staff from my main site. I’m so glad that I have Friday off of work! The weekend is cold, so I’m going to solo hike with the dogs on Friday when my son leaves for school. My goal is to practice guitar everyday and hike on the days that it isn’t snowing starting the 27th. I climb on Saturday the 25th.

I’m going to ask the climber out tomorrow afternoon. I was wanting to go to the Japanese gardens and eat, but the restaurant has permanently closed. COVID has really changed our landscape in the city. I am going to see if she’ll go north and west of town to sushi and then we can walk the neighborhood to some parks. I know that she wants to climb again soon too, and only the middle joint of my pinky is still swollen. I would like to have dinner with her on April 6th.

She introduced me to a term that I didn’t know on our ride home solo last week. It’s a phrase called, “attachment system.” I certainly knew about Ainsworth’s work with the strange situation and parent-child attachment and possible impacts on adolescent development, but thinking about anything related to one’s schema of attachment in relationships later was new to me. I printed the article that I read, and will give her the copy tomorrow. I learned about consensual non-monogamy in it in addition to attachment systems that she explained a bit. I hope that she likes the article and talks to me about her insights. Maybe over dinner in a month or so!

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Afternoon commute

Sunday night the nice guy said that he is going to ride in solo for a day or two, so I texted the climber about our commute. The nice guy’s gf is very sick with COVID; although he is testing negative. So, it would be three of us–including my son–in, and she and I only on the way home. Yay. I got my son settled in the backseat of the car with the exception of his missing medication. I also forgot my coffee cup because I didn’t pack it in my lunch pail. If those are the worst things that happened given the time change, I’ll take it. I knocked on the dark door of her huge house and she came out very shortly. My son was nice and quiet in the backseat with the exception of making conversation about a topic that she knows a lot about, so it was a cool commute in given that I had snowshoed this weekend and she had climbed a frozen waterfall and rare formation. We had tons of outdoor conversation. She was really touched by the coffee that I made her and the milk, but didn’t use the cane sugar.

I had cooked breakfast for our whole staff and she has a mug of mine that she’s been using since then, so I went to borrow it and she said, “No, I’m going to take care of this because it has water in it.” Then she came into my office and laid against my back while I was scoring a test event. I told her that she is distracting. Pretty ballsy too as the nice guy was outside the door just feet away; although he can’t see into my office and could only hear us. I spent 10-minutes in her office at the end of lunch. She’s really easy for me to talk to and feel connected.

I told her that people have specific reactions to me just wanting to be and be open to whatever in terms of connections. I told her that people believe that I’m in a phase. She said, “Who cares if it is a phase and it ends?” I told her it’s really not given that with my marriages and the time that I was with both of them that it added up to 21-years of monogamy. Then I had exclusiveness with at least four other women now that I think about it. (I just realized that now that I’m writing.) The day to day stuff just doesn’t work for me personally, so I know that it’s not phase-oriented. I just want moments. I found out also that the climber had wanted kids and that she would still likely be married if he’d been able to have them, and that made me sad and made me understand her big, bustling household of 5 other folks who cook and host dances together. That’s her family and it’s very cool.

When we got to her house I asked her if I could have a hug. Then we wound up holding each other really close. Her breathing was a little jagged and she said, “I don’t want to get out of your car.” I told her that she didn’t have to and kissed her cheek and she held me tighter. We wound up kissing for awhile. It was so incredibly nice. Before she was getting out, she bit the front of my left bicep. I told her that we need to get together and she agreed. I’m going to see if I can get dinner with her in the next three weeks, and she wants to go climbing with me. My skin on my pinky is scaly and weird. I think it’s trying to do everything to heal up. I’ll use the dreaded simulated ice tools again on March 25th and will see how holding it with a three-fingered grip works.

She is such a complex person. I’m just starting to get to where I can ask her personal questions. I wouldn’t say that’s she’s guarded, but she doesn’t give lots of information unsolicited. She has definitely moved me on a body and mind level. I look forward to more time with her.

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Social Butterfly

It took forever to get up to the lunch spot that the host picked. A pickup and some semis had a collision near one of the mountain passes so traffic accordioned back although the accident had been cleared. When I got there, Vegan was there! I was shocked. The host and her partner said, “Well, you pretty much have your doctorate.” So the rules are loose and you can bring friends. Check. No neuroscientist and no medical school director in attendance. Fairly nice lunch. The butterfly had hosted a Christmas Party recently and I said, “I thought that you said, ‘no more potlucks?'” She explained it was mostly outside our group, and then I learned that it was for an elite group within our group. I just said, “Gotcha. It was for people who you care about.” Lesbians can be incredibly exclusive. It makes everything difficult with dating for sure. Lunch was only slightly awkward, but the friend of the cardiologist who I’d met before at a beer garden happy hour and I talked a bit, and I finished her hashbrowns. I noted that I liked them both.

I talked a bit with Vegan. She’s a really good skier so on the downhills on the groomed snowshoeing trail, she got some speed and went down fast. I was talking with the cardiologist and her friend again, and helped the cardiologist get into her cross country skis by pushing the side of my gigantic snowshoe into the front of her ski and she got clipped in. (My snowshoes were given to me by my ex who just got a liver transplant, and she’s a hair under 6′, so they’re really too big for me, but I’m a minimalist amd won’t buy new snowshoes.) However, there was massive ice on the road between the trails, so the cardiologist fell and had to go back. Our group met up with them again on the downhill and I told the group, “I’m going back up with them because I drove all the way up here, and have barely hiked!” The cardiologist was faring much better in snowshoes! Great conversation and connection. I just love the cardiologist and her friend.

We got down to the bottom and were hanging out in a group–Vegan was gone because she had another obligation–and I told them about karaoke a couple of Thursdays ago. The host said that would be our next thing. It will be cool. I explained that things happen there like me kissing 30-year-old women so we need to keep things on the dl. Social butterfly was in costume and her snowshoes still, but everyone else was loosening up and getting beer samples. Then the cardiologist and her friend and I caravanned back to their hotel and spa and went to dinner. We had a wonderful time. I’ll make sure that I see them as often as they can make time to meet up with me. They included me and were genuinely interested in me. I had such a wonderful time yesterday and feel encouraged–so grateful that I’m even dealing with losing an hour this morning!

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First Day

I have a picture of him with his tiny fist pumping in the air, jumping off the stairs from the front of his school where he attended a full-day early childhood education program–like pre-kindergarten. Today is the first of 47-days. He is no longer a hobbit-sized tow-headed Energizer Bunny. He stood in his egress window smoking cigarettes on Sunday night until I woke up. He always shuts down and says, “Send me back to my Dad.” It took about an hour on Sunday night and he finally shifted. He said that he was petting our tortie in the basement and saw the shelf with all the books that I used to read him and teared up. He and I could go to family therapy twice a week. He doesn’t have an off-cycle. He’s defiant and often very rude. I just want him to finish high school. He hates it and needs to be done. Today feels like my first day too.

The climber did get sick. I don’t know if she has COVID. The nice guy who also commutes once a week with us does. I was disappointed to not get her all to myself in the car. That could only happen now in the afternoon one day or possibly May 22nd through early June. However, I must note that she said that we need to go back to our climbing spot two-weeks ago and directly invited me to the indoor ice climbing gym last Monday. She sent me pictures of her in a crack way up some giant sandstone formation and a sunset picture on Sunday when I sent her a small text re: I’ll pick you up and text when I leave my house at 7:20. We seem good. I want a get together though.

Vegan texted me yesterday. It said that she hoped that my week was off to a great start and that it was wonderful meeting up on Friday and having the introduction to Green Goddess dressing. I texted back that when she heals, I want to climb with her. She is accepting and will be a good climbing partner–just can’t kiss or hug her.

I’m not going to ever text GA again. If she comes to my city, I hope that she gets ahold of me. I would call her if my partner-in-prowl and I do a workshop in GA, but that’s it. I’ll get tall redhead’s number if I ever see her again. I’m excited for guitar class tonight. Spring is on it’s way; although it’s cold as shit. Today could mark the first day of the rest of my life.

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No chemistry

My initial impressions were correct. I like Vegan. She’s so cool. She’s full of forgiveness and acceptance. I can’t kiss Vegan and I didn’t hug her. She hugged me though. I stepped on the toe of her boot and put my leg back.

When I was making out with the climber in October–the very first time that we did–we did all kinds of kissing and such. It lasted over 3.5-hours. We had paused and I was running the tips of my fingers up her back and down the sides of her face. She asked me to do that more. I asked her, “I wonder why our teeth never hit?’ She said, “I think when we’re both riding skateboards, kissing while going down a hill, they will.” We both laughed, and kissed more. Chemistry is a real thing and you’ll never be able to get reductive and analyze all the factors behind it. She and I have it. Indoor ice climbing would have been very fun on Monday night. Damn pinky! All that being said, the nice guy got COVID and is out until Wednesday. I’m making making the climber coffee and bringing her milk and sugar. Just us in the car if it all works out!

Vegan and I talked about our marriages. It’s helpful to have her as a friend. Her marriage petered out. Mine was fraught with unpredictability wherein she’d move out or quit jobs.

My wife was like a beautiful and less violent version of my Dad. I have to be completely honest with myself that is either: 1) normal for me, or something that 2) I’m attracted to. I know that my ex-wife is beautiful. She’s tall and has a killer body. She lives 12-hours away with her mother and I don’t have to see her. I would have a lot of trouble when she’s in a normal mood cycle not touching her. Her shirt rode up the last time that we truly spoke in June and I ran my fingers lightly up her back over her incredibly faded tattoo of a character from “Moondreamers.” Not cool. We’d filed three-weeks earlier. Chemistry is real.

Regarding other redheads… If I run into the 5’9″ one again, I’ll kiss her. She seemed pretty cool. She goes out in a group with her friends occasionally.

I’m looking for partners and liaisons. The former would need to be women who are those with whom I have intimacy, and the latter would be those with whom I hang out with and don’t get completely naked. I can add some friends too.

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Songs and Scams

From one of the best films of 1989:

“That’s not even a scam!”

“What’s a scam?’

“Going out as friends.”

“No, it’s not; a scam is lusting.”

[in unison] “Then what’s a date?”

“A date is prearrangement with the possibility for love.”

[whispering] “Then what is love?”

I adore Cameron Crowe. I believe with my whole body the dialogue that he writes and his actors execute. I think people 10-15 years younger than me tend to read currently my blog. First of all, thank you, as it curbs loneliness and secondly watch “Say Anything.”

I went out with the nice guy last night. His gf bailed as did his friend and one of his dance partners who was going to bring a friend. There was a young, hot redhead. I gave her a hug at the end of the night. The KJ was in training under the normal KJ and she didn’t have the balance of the music right, so I was pretty mid. It’s cool. I’ll probably just buy one of those karaoke machines for my house which is compatible with Spotify after I pay off my ex-wife. My God can he sing! He’s even on testosterone and nailed his song.

On the way home I told him that I want to have 2-3 partners. He said that then they all want to do stuff with you at the same time. I said, “Then don’t trip out. Make plans and follow through on those and be honest. I see this idea of mine as very different than dating. It’s an adventurer, someone to go to music venues with, and with whom to tool around, and another to look at art and go to dinner with. Everyone STD tests and discloses and I live my life as do the women.” He told me that I should talk to the climber who has a polyamorous commmunity. I said, “I don’t want to get set up. I’ll meet people organically. I have a scam tomorrow night.”

I went back to the bar, because he was too tired and I had to take him home. I hung out up front. I had given the bartender my copy of “Our Kids.” She wants to go into politics. She needs to read it. How is it that my generation will be the last homeowners? Millennials and Z will have to cohabitate and likely with several people to own. That’s fucked. I sang one more time and had to pay $10, hugged the redhead and went home.

I am scamming tonight. The Vegan and I are hitting the wine bar. I won’t order wine, because I have rules with alcohol and she stopped drinking. I have not touched her since October when I’d not seen her in months and we were both in a live training having texted during the virtual components. I did not hug her at the convention or at lunch. There is something uptight about her. She used to be sarcastic and she isn’t now nor does she tease in a sardonic way, but I think that I am too flawed for her. I slept with my Boss in 2007, and I don’t want an exclusive relationship. I’m still glad to have a scam tonight. I don’t think that it involves lusting and is simply going out as friends. Again, it’s social and curbs my loneliness. I’m a sexual or 1-1 variant via the Enneagram, so hanging with one person tends to be my comfort zone. I like the intensity of connection with a person and feeling energy of that person completely.

I am persnickety as fuck. I can’t bowl with a splinted finger. I sucked on Wednesday. I can’t sing when I can’t hear myself. I think that I need to gain more skill with being off my A-game!

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Keepin’ on

I biked about 10-miles and some change on Sunday. I went to a very small lake in a park in our city and laid down. Before I did that I sent GA a text. Her name isn’t Georgia, but she lives there. I just don’t want to call her Rugby although she played it in college because that evokes a certain look and she’s really feminine. In fact, she’s the most feminine woman who has ever kissed me. I would’ve thought that she was straight actually. I laid down on the other side of a drainage ditch about 20-feet from the lake and closed my eyes. On the dormant grass I was in a windbreak, but it was roaring. I could only hear the seagulls calling and with the high wind it was like the ocean. I laid there for 10-minutes with the sun on my face. Gorgeous.

GA and I texted all afternoon into early evening. It was Q & A and really nice. It definitely cut the loneliness. On Thursday, Vegan texted me and asked if I could go to the restaurant with her. I’d told her that it had the best Green Goddess dressing that I had ever had when we had lunch two weeks ago. We had such a good time at lunch. We have dinner next Friday. I’m looking forward to it. I might like her. I’m not sure.

Today I was waiting for the nice guy from work to show up for our commute. I’m going with him and his girlfriend to karaoke next Thursday. I texted him that it was no rush, but I was wondering and he said minutes later that the climber had just picked him up. They finally got to my house and we went to work. She sat in the back, and was pleasant and more open than she’d been last Monday.

I worked and was doing massive amounts of paperwork and finally went to warm up part of my lunch. I didn’t want to go back to my office. I’ve been so lonely. I peeked into her office and said, “Are you busy?” She said she wasn’t. I said, “I don’t want to eat alone, may I eat in your office?” She said that I could. We had a really nice conversation. She laughed a lot, blushed a little and I found out that although she nor her ex are neither satisfied with the terms that mediation is done and she’s glad it’s over. She also said it’s getting warmer so we need to go back to the spot where we climbed in October. It was a nice ride home and I told her commuting partner that she was getting shotgun. We all chatted and joked and such. Balanced car trip back to my driveway where her car was parked, and then we all said, “See you Monday.” It was so much nicer than it’s been.

I’m going to send GA a picture of me tomorrow. The one that I’d sent her with my fall kickball team is ok, but I look too skinny, so I’m sending one tomorrow. I’ll watch my son’s team play and then lift weights and my son can get a good picture of me. I would love to see her again. It would be possible at the end of next month, but I’m being calm and cool.

I was pretty sad this week given the injury. I can type now, but I can still feel where the fracture is. It’s also very purple at the top joint. I have to bowl on Wednesday, so I’ll have to get creative with taping or really bandage it. I decided to play kickball on the old league and bowl for this gay league. I think that’s the safest sports with young, huge men.

I guess these girls don’t look masculine. One could be GA before she puts on her makeup and fixes her hair.
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Little Updates

I think that the fracture was mostly at the top joint. There is a smaller one down the side. It’s healing though which is good. It’s almost a week. At 6:30 tonight, it will be just that–one week. I’m not going too nuts. I don’t love not being able to plank, but I’m not completely crazy.

It’s the third one that I have broken. When I graduated with my two Bachelor’s in 1997, my left ring finger was taped to my pinky on a tongue depressor. I caught a basketball pass incorrectly playing pickup three-on-three. It looks funny wherein I am shaking the President’s hand with my other hand injured in my cap and gown picture. Then in 2015 or 16 my dog ran one way while I was picking up my wife’s (ex now) dog’s poop and she snapped my right ring finger. Three fingers, so I know and don’t need to do the $60 co-pay. I’ll rehab it too. Our new Occupational Therapist at my main site is so cool, so I’ll ask her about it when I start doing hand strengthening.

I am not going to stay with this league. I paid for March and April for the old one. I had fun in the summer kickball and really these huge men are a bit strong for me to hang–especially in dodgeball. I also don’t like this team manager. She’s rude and kinda stuck up. I’m going back to what I knew. I played on a Meet Up kickball league about 10-years-ago and there was one guy who pitched as hard as he could. I blew my quad kicking it.

I have to expect that playing sports causes injuries. I just want to be a little more circumspect. I do want to keep playing rec sports though.

I have been walking and biking. It’s a little difficult to bike over bumps because of my pinky and pain, but I’m getting it done. I had fun at the Mardi Gras party that I went to last night, and am looking forward to seeing my teammates and my colleague tonight at the cowboy bar. I’m being social and as active as I can injured. I also have practiced guitar three times. I think that I’m doing as well as I can. I hope that my son can stop lying about vaping, and have told him–as I caught him again–that it was the last time that is happening in the house if he wants to live here. We’ll see. It’s nice again, so I’m going to add to my biking right now. Hopefully, I will meet a nice woman tonight. I’m super behind on that goal.

  1. Calm and cool – Absolutely
  2. Spend less – Moderate progress as the convention and being away from my house set me back
  3. Do you – yep, and helping others
  4. Lift like a girl – damn pinky; another setback
  5. Healthy alcohol consumption – check! Only three over the course of 4.5 hours with massive amounts of food at the Mardi Gras Party
  6. Get big – I am bigger, but have a small injury setback currently. Thursday – now: 30,058 steps & 13 miles cycling
  7. Love / Connect / Lead with Heart – Check
  8. Sing – Check
  9. Play guitar – Moderate progress
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Feeling really good

My son’s best friend since probably about 4th grade was here last night. I was so peopled out that I had to escape: wash my car, find the cat litter that is difficult to find, get some vegetables, etc. because I didn’t want to catch up with his Mom for an hour or sometimes more. She had her daughter at 17, and so she’s much younger than I am. We don’t have a thing in common. Actually, now that I think about it, she’s probably the same age as the climber. I didn’t want to talk though because I talked with people all week. Originally, my son’s best friend was going to come and go. I thought that he was driving and he is licensed; although my own son is three-months older than he is, but his Mom didn’t want him driving so far. His family moved counties when my son was in 6th grade and he’s known him since 1st. They were laughing and my son was showing him the guitar that I rented for my son and they were having a great time. Hearing my son laugh was so great. I can make him laugh a little, but he’s not generous with laughter. I know it’s part of the depression that he deals with as well. His best friend stayed the night. I made southern chicken sandwiches, sweet potato fries and a monstrous salad. I left it out and will eat it tonight before dodgeball.

I also got three rounds of rapid eye movement. I can remember three rounds of dreams. I feel so, so good. It also was nice on Friday night to get hit on. And not by a man! By a super young, blond, blue-eyed, very feminine, ex-Rugby player with a slight southern accent. Fun. I actually looked terrible Friday night and didn’t have on one bit of makeup. I also never would have approached her to talk, because I was just chillin’ in the gay bar, which is something that I like to do. I’ve known the owner for 15-years and talked to her as well. It’s where I prowl with my friend.

Speaking of which, I need to work through more modules to update one of my trainings. It’s probably 5-10 hours of content. I’m motivated to do it though because the particular training is such a good one. These other two workshops can be a little dry. I need to really get familiar with the content so I can bring my charm. I can’t dance. However, I would say that I’m one of the best public speakers period. My partner-in-prowl has done these workshops probably more than I have. I’ve probably given about 3-6 times via the one that I’ve been endorsed in for the last 8-years, and have given close to 20 in the one that I like. During convention, I got a new one and am a virgin for it. It’s actually called “Provisional.” We should look for places to train in which there is hiking and pretty women.

That’s it! I just feel so good and hopeful. I know that I’m going to meet lots of new women.

I was surprised not to meet any at the convention, but the one night that a vendor had drinks and food was the one in which our old friend had chosen for a dinner out. It’s ok, she lives in CA now where she was born and without her I’d never have met my best friend. I also was intrigued by the best flatiron steak I’ve ever had. I have a couple, so I’m going to read a bunch of tips before I cook it. I make good steak, but this one was like butter. I need to look up some tips before I make my own. I just thought that the convention would be a good place to meet women, but it was more a time for reconnecting with students whom I’ve taught.

I took a 10-mile bike ride yesterday because it was 63-degrees. There is still a lot of ice on trails, but my bike to work route is nearly clear. I can do it in rush hour and will do it Tuesday through Thursday. I feel like I want to bike 30-miles a week to make up for all the commuting that I missed from snow-poc-alypse. I love cycling and tooling around on my bike.

I don’t work Friday or Monday. Friday I’ll have to deal with my parent’s estate and we do have family therapy. I want to talk about goals and rewards for doing work and connecting with teachers rather than leaving campus at lunch and getting high in the parking lot. I texted his godparents to help me. I didn’t want to be a downer during our climbing class in January, so they didn’t know that he dropped out. I wish my son’s Dad was a little more inspiring for my son. It was odd, but my son said last week, “I’d never marry a woman like you. It would be like marrying myself and I would be so angry all the time.” It’s odd because I don’t think that we’re similar. I’m super active and hardworking. I’m not sure what he meant. I’m going to ask what he meant in family therapy. As I was finishing this entry, his godparents were texting me back and they’re going to support me and him. I’m a lucky person.

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More loose ends

I process things pretty slow. I’m also long-suffering. Those qualities do not make for a good match in exclusive partnership. Anyway, as I write all of the time as I’ve been doing since last November these features have made me want independence, and to love and enjoy others in specific places and times. I won’t live with someone again until I am in my 80s and need some help from someone younger who I pay with whom I have a business relationship. I will not remarry. I think that monogamy works for a handful of people. I have not been exposed to a marriage that I thought was working for both people in my sphere. I know that they exist, but it always seems like massive sacrifices are made by one person more than the other when I know both people. That is where I am.

I had talked to my ex who is dying slowly on January 21st and was on car adapter through speakers with her and her wife. The conversation was bizarre. It spanned medical procedures and the new cars that they’re thinking about buying. It made sense finally to me why she reconciled with her wife. I guess she was broadcasting their business on Facebook, and talking about their fights and possible divorce. I don’t get on Facebook unless someone tells me that I have to log in: eg. pickleball dues or a post that they need me to address. Didn’t ask how I was. Didn’t inquire about my son who she always says that she adores. I get she’s on a transplant list. I knew all the stuff that had happened via text when I donated to her Go Fund Me. I don’t like cars. I bought a sport utility vehicle in 2008 and still drive it. It was two-years-old. I repair it and put parts in it. I’m not going to hustle down there. I’ll go see them when it’s necessary.

I have a sinus infection. I guess what is going around is bacterial. I’m NOT getting antibiotics. Work was difficult, but definitely not impossible. And then I bought everything and took it for the first time last night, and I slept through the night except to blow my noise once and my throat is good. One night of vitamins and such. I always have Kickass Immune and EmergenC, and still have a little bit of the Chinese herbs that my ex-mother-in-law used to send, but I needed to add these until I felt cessation in sinus pressure and a sore throat:

I COVID tested negative–again–why don’t I get COVID? I have to be careful with zinc. It sends to nauseate me or make me throw up. I think that the sources on the left were more water soluble so it was fine. I also made mushroom risotto, chicken cutlets with panko and kale chips in the oven last night, so I was pretty full when I took these zinc.

I didn’t see the photographer at the art performance. She texted me the next day and said that she was texting with the woman who I was able to sit with–and her boyfriend and a lesbian couple. She said that she was sad not to run into me. So, I’ve texted with her a little bit about the sale of house this summer. I don’t actually want to hike or cycle with her. I want a professional relationship. I saw a few pictures of her recently and didn’t find her attractive. At the beginning of April, we’ll do a walkthrough pending the late afternoon that works for the tenants who pay bills there. I’m not hugging her and will bring my son if I can make it work with his schedule. He’s a good buffer. He’s also very good looking, so he distracts people.

He’s going back to high school. Not his high school, but one in which he can blend online and in person classes. He told me last night that he wants mostly in person classes. I don’t care, and am glad he’ll have a diploma instead of a GED. There still is some stigma. In his case, it’s truly being lazy. I have to hire a driver. Uber and Lyft have too broad a window, and I want him to be on time. He can take the city bus home. His Dad can take him once a week, and I can take him once a week. Hopefully, it won’t be as expensive as his out-of-pocket therapy that ended a week ago was. He has to go to school nine weeks only–not a year-and-a-half. They’ll get his schedule done on Monday. His personal essay for the application said that in 6th grade the friends that he had controlled him rather than knew him, and that COVID killed all his motivation for school. I wonder who else has a student like my son?

I have to study today and also read. I have a training of trainers event on Tuesday and Wednesday and work on Monday and have convention things all day on Thursday and Friday. There is a corporate sponsored party on Tuesday night as well. Maybe I should have my son stay at our house and I should stay in the hotel with an old friend? No, I won’t sleep well and that seems a little bit 20-something. Regardless, I’m excited for the convention.

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Other topics

I was in our group consultation via videoconference for a new modality that I’m hoping to receive certification, and got a text from a woman who is recently divorced who was in the consultation with me. I know her through an intern that I supervised in 2011-2012. She is really sarcastic, and an angry vegan. Do you know what an angry vegan is? They make it their entire identity. However, she’s a newer climber and probably way better than me, but she texted that she’s getting on the wall this next week, so we’re going to go climbing. Attraction to her would never grow, but I am so glad to have someone that I can belay and watch so I can go up routes. That is something that I’ve mentioned helps me to get up a route. Also, now I’ll have to learn the gris gris.

I went to the art show. It was really cool. I was sleepy though so a little encumbered. A man asked if he could join me at the standing table and he was fun to talk to, but I knew after he returned with a another drink that he’d ask more questions about me and it would become a thing. Fortunately, a woman who also sings with my best friend was sitting down with her boyfriend and a couple of lesbians and had an open seat. Why are men hitting on me all the time now? I think that I’m going to have a samurai ponytail when I go out in mixed company to expose my undercut–particularly when I’m in a dress and heels. My boss bought me a drink, but it was our domestic version of an IPA, and their products give me headaches. I do better with small batch and microbrews. The concert and native dancing was phenomenal. I went through a drive through and got a grass-fed hamburger and chili cheese fries. I’m not a vegan, and don’t think that I’m angry.

I slept well three nights this week. I have a sweet spot of understanding. When my mood is semi-hideous, I need to stay up later than usual. So, I’ll do planks, stretching and a short meditation. I need to see that now that I don’t pay for Amazon music if I can still get a listen for a 2-7 minute program that was simple and really good. I’ve not found something comparable on Spotify. If anyone has a recommendation for what I could listen to in my Pixel buds while planking and then stretching, please comment or email me here.

My son is still lying. He’s only taken the GED Math Practice test. That means that I have to endure the wrath today while he takes Language Arts and do the same pattern before dodgeball tomorrow for either Science or Social Studies. I will buy him something for his future guitar if he takes the final one on Monday while I’m at work. He also talked to his ex-girlfriend for hours last night and was going to get back with her. Mind you after she blew up his other ex-girlfriend’s Dad’s birthday party he was “never speaking to her again.” I need to help him with a friendship with her. She can’t come to our house anymore under the guise of friendship though. She’s a sweet kid, but beyond manipulative and really unhealthy mentally and physically.

I’m prowling tonight. At 8, I am dropping off my son at his Dad’s apartment. I am packing gloves and his big down jacket so he can walk home. It won’t get even near the freezing mark for two-days given La Niña. I’m going to work with him today and watching his team play and then I’m going to use the machines and make sure that he does cardio. He skipped Monday, because he has a cold. He caught a cold because he vapes and is overweight and has shitty sleep hygiene. That latter is post-COVID and hasn’t shifted. When he was an athlete he slept 7-13 hours. The latter was after a weekend of sometimes 11 basketball games.

There are some really cute ladies on the other dodgeball teams. I need to get close to them to make sure that they’re in their mid-thirties. I just can’t be serious about conversations with anyone under 35. It makes me feel like I’m chilling with a high school-aged client and that is super creepy and skeeves me out completely.

I had a weird dream about my ex-wife Thursday night. I can’t remember it now and had to be at work super early all week and worked to nearly five after being there at seven-fifteen on Friday. If I have a dream that I want to reconsider, I write it down my hand while still in bed, but had to work too much this week, so I don’t remember it.

My lead at my main site likes to schedule complicated meetings all in one week. It makes my life and another specialist’s life hellish. She also is a little simple. The other specialist said something that caused me to laugh until I cried and I could no longer stand. Our lead doesn’t read very well or pronounce things well, and also has a tendency to suddenly not understand legal procedures for some complicated meetings. It’s an odd presentation. Likely induced by stress. Anyway, the other specialist who was incidentally my pickleball partner last fall was talking about some procedures and our manager being confused and she said, “It’s just exhausting. I can’t keep up with all the fucking stupidity.” I told her that I was glad that I wasn’t wearing eye makeup because I would have had it everywhere, and I also had lung butter for the better portion of the day from laughing so hard after she said that. It went in my 2023 quotations cell phone file. Also, in there is, “Would you ever date _____? She does all that white people shit.”

My colleagues keep me sane. I’m really lucky. I make good money and love so many of them.

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Writing helps

I know that I had written that I read “Opening Up.” Through writing and also processing some trauma, people experienced alleviation of symptoms according to the professor and researcher. Now when we work with people we teach them a ton of mindfulness, relaxation, and sometimes biofeedback before we process anything significant. The exception is when you have someone come in your office in an acute stress state or fully panicked and then you ground them fairly directedly, and allow them enough time and space to tell the whole story. You can also have them rate how it feels to tell it with totally freaked “10” and calm “1.” You can have them tell the story a few times too to hopefully desensitize the heightened emotional state. I have life circumstances that are in a low state of stress all the time, so I just have to ventilate a little. I talk a bit about stress and write way more.

Last night my colleague who almost died was talking to me about work and when we got to my son’s best friend’s house, I hung up the call. I called her last night while I was lifting weights. She’s a mess. I think that three-years ago her own stuff got really flared up when a client of ours was murdered. It was grisly and all over the news too. Her father had chosen to come to her house to die just a year prior, and the man who raised her just died of cancer. Way, way, way too much. That’s why she was suicidal. I told her, “______, I am your solid friend. I’m pretty basic (I didn’t explain that it wasn’t in the white Adidas, yoga pants, carrying a Hydroflask way because she’s a Gen X’er too–actually I’m 6-weeks older than her.), and never do anything weird. You can count on me to always be the same.” She stopped crying eventually and calmed down. Hopefully, she slept ok.

After my brother was killed and I was in the hospital, my mother had fielded all kinds of phone calls and read letters from 8th grade kids who were my “best friend.” I know that the woman who I prowl with once monthly also calls me her “best friend.” My ex-wife always told me that I’m so much of a better friend than a partner. It’s all pretty interesting to me.

Even the climber said, “Have you always been this confident?” I told her no, and especially was not in my thirties. That’s true. I used to try to hard. I can read my writing from 2011 – 2013 and see all kinds of over extensions and frankly silly shit that I used to do. Glad it’s over and likely has come with age. Speaking of which, I put it out there that I’m still wickedly attracted to her on Monday with talking about the blue hue match of her eyes to her sweater, and that she has a memory of me in my underwear. Because she’s busy, and likely it’s with new partners, I’m going to just work with her a bit and say “Hi,” if our paths cross in the hall or copy room. Otherwise, I’m not going to initiate a conversation with her again. That’s more firm than my simply saying that I won’t ask her out. Come to me if you’d like, as you know where to find me.

I’ll see the photographer on Friday. I really hope that she just says, “Hello,” and catches up with me. I don’t want to hug her or do anything which involves a mixed message. We all have an art demo and music performance from my best friend’s singing partner. My best friend gets back from a month in Asia next week. She won’t be at the museum for this artistic experience. My Boss will at about 7 or 7:30, and she was shocked that I don’t have a date. I told her that I don’t chase. And, again, she said, “Wow. That is impressive.” I guess confidence is sometimes attractive and other times surprising.

I think that in entries from 10-years ago I talked about next year starting my easy part of life. A Vedic Astrologer told me that during a 2.5-hour reading that I paid for. I also had my friend who is coming in two weeks for convention do a distance reading through her mother probably 12-years ago. She told my friend that I wasn’t through the difficult part of my life. I think that Dad dying in 2020, Mom dying in 2021, my divorce in 2022 and my son dropping out this year are all trying. I think, too, that these circumstances have been helpful. Writing about them has made them more easy to process.

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Look back on three-days

I was scared of dodgeball. Wham! HUGE gay guys winging the balls against concrete. Everyone was 10-20 years younger than me. Wow. Why did I sign up? I got better as it went on and in our last loss I nailed a guy and it bounced off him, but one of his teammates caught it. Damn. I was the last one on our side. I didn’t go to the bar afterward, but may next Sunday. It’s difficult because I work on Mondays pretty early and have to leave at 7:20. I am going to practice with my son this weekend.

Monday was nice. I went into her office and chatted with her. She noticed the red highlights and I told her that I had the undercut and just turned around and made her lift my hair to examine the mountains and the horizon. She petted the buzz too, which felt nice. I was standing over her desk for awhile too but one of the people who shares with her was there intially, and after that woman left, we talked more. I was wearing a fitted pink shirt. She kept looking at my breasts. I got a little charge out of that and noted it and was glad that I could meet her eyes well, which I can’t always do because then I kept noticing how much she was checking me out.

I worked all morning and then in the afternoon went back to her office. I said, “Your sweater matches your eyes,” and she looked down and smiled big. Then we talked a little she walked out of her office. We stood at the window at the end of the hallway together. We talked and talked. She had never used the ice tool that I had just tried, and said that she knows it’s safer because you don’t have anything sharp. I told her that I was bruised all up so couldn’t wear booty shorts to dodgeball given the bruising from crashing into the wall over and over and she laughed. We talked about work, and I said, “I was thinking that when I was presenting last week that I remembered that you need to imagine the audience in their underwear and wondered if it works in reverse? Except for you, you wouldn’t use imagination, it’s a memory.” She blushed a ton and I said, “Oh, good! That was the effect that I hoped to get–with you blushing,” and she said, “Well, it’s that the heart rate increases.” She was still red so I kept looking at her. She adjourned the conversation and went back to her office eventually, and my partner at work said at the end of the day, “I saw you two talking for a long time!” I didn’t say, it’s because _____ has seen me in my underwear. (Wonder when I’ll have the same thing with her?) I quickly saw some purple ones–she had to take off a base layer under her hiking pants–the night that became 3:40 in the morning of Halloween and the same night she lifted the back of her shirt and I kissed all around a purple sports bra on her sculpted back. However, after the ballet, I was in a bra and underwear for a couple hours in my bed.

I was walking home from the liquor store last week talking to my partner at work and she said, “Would you ever date _____? She does all that white people shit.” and I stopped walking for a second and said, “She’s cute, but she’s really, really busy, and does real outdoor stuff. I couldn’t keep up with much of the stuff that she does and she’s a real dance teacher and dancer. It was fun climbing with her. I certainly would be open to doing something with her again.” All that is true. Again, her ball, her court, and not asking her out again.

I was at work today and was pretty busy. During my mid-day obligation that I have daily at that site I was walking with one of my colleagues whom I adore and she said that she’d been out on two dates. We traded some stories. She’s my ex-wife’s age (three years younger than me). I asked her if she’d date a 32-year-old and she said, “Hell, yes.” I showed her the climber later (us at the ballet) and she said, “She’s cute!” I told her that in two weeks when I’m on convention that I was going to find her a 6’4″ Swedish skier that she can see weekends in Europe. We’re both newly divorced, don’t ever want to remarry, and agree with the appropriate STD testing protocol that you could love and be intimate with 2-3 partners. We both have side work and make good money and have one kid. She likes men. So, I’m going to find her more men for her circle. Not men from my dodgeball league :). She’s a cool person and we always laugh together. I told her that in addition to an STD talk, I don’t want to have sex with any woman whom I’m not in love with. I also told her that I know that I could be in love with 2-3 different women concurrently.

I slept like shit last night. Sunday night was good and last night was tough. My son is with his Dad tonight. He only has to take one more practice test for the GED and his scores have been so high that he doesn’t have to take the full test in a center and can do it at home as long as he does well on the last one that he has. He’s taking that Friday. I’m taking him and his best friend out to dinner tomorrow night. He turns 17.

I think that things could be getting a little easier in all respects. I’m hoping so.

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Saturday

I took a class on the artificial wall again, and we used ice tools. Imagine a slanted hammer with a handle, and also some edges half up it and a movable leather loop. There isn’t a loyalty free simulated ice tool available so I drew it for you here and you must imagine trying to find ledge pieces on an artificial wall from which you attach the leather instead of using your hands. That meant that when I slung it onto a ledge piece on the wall and then stepped up and threw it to another piece I fell. Not gracefully. Boom. Hit my back, flail off and away. Simulated ice tools. Real fun.

I have drawn the simulated ice tool for you to view using the Paint App–you’re welcome

I had a ton of fun though. The instructor was the same main guy from the class that I took late summer and told the climber about. That means that since I’ve healed from my injuries, I have now had the same instructor for the same class and then this class with simulated ice tools from one of the instructors from the first outdoor class ever. When I retake his day and a half class this spring, I shall have come full circle. I should do well, and still want to try to climb weekly if possible. I like it and will likely get better. Just don’t know about simulated ice tools at this stage for me.

There were eventually three other students. I spent about an hour and half climbing and stayed there for 2.5 hours. The instructor is also a dancer and has mutual friends within the dance community with the climber. Small scene: dancing climbers. I told the instructor that she was my colleague and she is. I’ve just had three make-outs with this particular colleague.

I also redid my highlights and they’re legitimately red now and did two haircuts. Yes, two. Getting the undercut the way that I wanted it was a tall order. I’ll include a loyalty-free picture here for you of an undercut.

I have salt and pepper hair though

My new-to-me-salon-cosmetologist doesn’t have a barber’s license, so I had to go elsewhere to get my mountains. I have mountains in my undercut because I went to a Barber Shop and two guys worked on my mountains in the back of my hair in my undercut. The back of my hair is mostly dark brown while the front is pretty gray these days. I’ve actually been noticeably gray since 26, and my ex-wife “encouraged” me to go gray during COVID. The word is loose as it was more like, “I can’t believe that every three weeks you put plastic into the environment and rinse all that toxic shit down the drain. You have to dye it outside, because it’s giving me hives. Gray hair is sexy. You’re so rigid.” It’s highlighted now anyway and has been for two-months, and with the undercut, I think that I look badass.

I am fair to midland. I am super excited for dodgeball league that starts tomorrow night. Hopefully, it will be super social and improve my mood. Talking on the artificial wall today and to three different hair professionals was also fun.

On Thursday, I went to the bar and sat down at the bar. A girl asked to sit with me. She was cool and kind so I bought her GIGANTIC shot of Patron. I thought that she was Gen Z and she thought that was hilarious. I think that there are child millennials and just on the edge of Gen X millennials. She was on the child side. She wanted to buy me a drink and I declined. Anyone who reminds me of my son cannot buy me a drink. I owned “Hit me with Your Best Shot,” and then took myself out to sushi. It was fun.

I brought home takeout after my haircut and another errand. I am playing fortune cookie love life. Here is my closing:

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Landed

On Friday night I taught and was done at 7, and I was really hungry. My son had been at the music studio and he had met his ex-girlfriend there. I really like her. I don’t like them together. She has poor health in all facets, so I think that he was drawn to her because of my ex-wife honestly who was also in poor health all around. Anyway, we went to dinner. The kids told me that they want to get back together and I said, “That’s not a good idea. You should be good friends, and _______, if you want to break up with ____ you should talk to her. It’s likely impulse and it’s comfortable seeing ___ again.” They listened and considered all of it. Her mother met us there and we hugged and chatted. She invited my son and I to family karaoke.

I did my walk Saturday. My colleague who tried to kill herself called me and we we talked awhile. I played guitar, I sent the required paperwork to the Bank Manager for the house, and cooked a bit. I took my car to get detailed because I want it very clean when women who are new to me go places with me, and then although it’s still pretty icy, I biked 7-miles to go shopping. I got some dog food, new jeans and finally found a red t-shirt. Why is it difficult to get a red t-shirt?

When I got home, I had really rough conversation with my son and found out that he had only been to a few classes in the last two weeks. His Calculus teacher reached out to me via text. He said that if I gave him $2 a day, he’d go to all his classes, and that sounded like a cheap way for me to preserve some sanity for what I call my jail sentence. I have just over a-year-and-half left with him here. He has to move out when he turns 18.5. He has a move out day. Then my son left to his current girlfriend’s house for her father’s birthday party. I fed my pets and did a little cleaning and took them on a nice walk. While playing guitar, I got a text from my son that he was coming home.

He’s dropping out. I think that he’ll pass the GED in his sleep. He’s so good at math and a good writer, and will just need to work off the study guide for Science and Social Studies, but for the latter he passed an Advanced Placement exam two school years ago doing nothing. It’s not that he isn’t bright. He can’t navigate social dynamics and now can’t go to class at all. It’s definitely upsetting. Not what you want for your child either. He has to get another job and doesn’t drive, so he’ll have to bike or walk to work. His ex-girlfriend messaged his current girlfriend during the birthday party and a mess ensued. Doors slammed, awkward whispering, and he came home. Suffice to say, I had shitty sleep Saturday night and Sunday was difficult.

I talked with my colleague who tried to kill herself–she’s a single mother too. I got a text from the wife of my ex who is dying, and she had to get two units of blood on Saturday night and they can’t find the bleed. I’m buying tickets for the end of March to NC, and am hoping to see her with my son. That may not be the timing and I’m distraught about it. And I drove to the Rec Center and added 15-20 lbs more than I’d been using on the machines. I was still in a hideous mood and tried two friends, and it went to VM. I walked a bit over a mile and drank my recovery drink. When I got back to the car his girlfriend texted me that my son had a “family iPhone.” I was shocked. I called my colleague who tried to kill herself. As I was driving back to my house, I kept her call in the pocket of my jacket. I went to his room and said, “_______, ____ texted me and I need the iPhone that she gave you.”

At the time, I never thought in a million years that parents would undermine MY parenting and not talk to me regarding a smart device as they knew that the flip phone was a consequence. I kept my colleague on the phone. I went to their house, put the phone on the porch and took a picture which I sent to the girlfriend’s Dad and Stepmother. He texted, “Thank u.” Are you kidding me? My son’s on a flip phone and subscription separate GPS! On what planet do you give a child a phone who’s had a phone for 7-years and doesn’t get to have technology in his room? Why is that your decision? I woke up my son, said it all made a lot of sense why it’s been easy for me to collect his district-provided laptop and flip phone at night, because he’s never had to stop using text and social media messaging. And what’s worse is that other parents made that decision for me.

Although my mood was only slightly less hideous, it was then horrific. I was vile. My son asked if he should move out and I told him no, but whenever his Dad can have him overnight that he should. I just need space. Not that a 17-year-old understands interfering in other people’s parenting, and her parents apparently handed over the phone to him “so it would be easier for him to text their daughter.” I told him that they have bizarre boundaries, and it’s not his girlfriend’s fault, but I have no trust in them and he’s not permitted to date her ever again while living with me. I got a text from his ex-gf’s mom saying that she would include me in the next family karaoke, but her daughter hasn’t been feeling well all day and she’s not going out with her friends. I thanked her. I hope that I do hear from her again, as she’s cool and that sounds so fun. Just before 7, my son’s Dad picked him up. I was in a hideous mood still. So, I went to a new karaoke bar and put my name in and sang. People at this venue were really good, so my first song was mid. My second song was wonderful. Too bad what was derivative of that was two guys hitting on me and one trying to buy me drinks. I was polite and declined, but then didn’t wait for my next rotation. I just went home. I slept like a rock last night. I feel so good today. I’ve landed.

I’ll text the climber happy birthday. She apparently wasn’t at work on Friday, so I’ll text her that I hope that meant that she wasn’t sick, but was rather extending her plans to add a day. I don’t think that she’ll text back. She’s been bad about that as of late. However, I do me and I’m conscientious and wish people Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday. I don’t chase, and won’t ask her out again. We shall see. She’s sexy and incredibly fun. She lives with five people though and they dance all the time and also do elite outdoor adventuring. Admirable for sure, but not something that someone can just simply join into and I wouldn’t want to do so. I’m up for a sing-a-long if that ever happens.

I’m NOT texting or calling the Photographer. After we get back from NC I’ll send her an email calendar notice for late afternoon some early April day so that we can walk through the house. That’s it.

I’ve had this situation happen before wherein things fizzle and then I have new experiences. The main difference now is that I’m not looking for an exclusive thing. Case in point is these two situations. One could be my crazy adventurer, and the other could be my coffee and hiking / biking companion. I would love to add a third too. Like a woman to traipse around a museum and go to live venues for music. I have what I want dialed in and won’t compromise anything.

  1. Honesty
  2. Independence
  3. Boundary
  4. Kindness
  5. Love big and with no limit

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Pools

I went to work yesterday and was what has become my emotional and behavioral baseline which is a bit nervous, and altered into worry because she wasn’t there nor was her commuting partner. My work partner is back finally after, honestly, almost dying, so I went to her office for several minutes too.

I should probably tell that story. There is a chance that if I stuff it and don’t write about it that I’ll have weird dreams or parts will come out in conversation.

My son and I went touristy caving in August. It was a long, long drive. I’ve worked with one of my work partners for going on 6-years. She and I have never been super close, but we have a great working relationship. Her Dad got very sick last April and had to go to the Mayo Clinic. He had so many blood clots a the time. She hates driving. I don’t love it and don’t enjoy being in a car, but I’m a good driver. My son and I were having dinner with her in August and she said that she needed to see her Dad but couldn’t drive and my son said, “We’re going there in two-weeks and can take you,” and she was so grateful. The initial leg of our trip was way out of the way and on the way back we asked her to meet us near another highway to reduce time and mileage. It all worked out. However, her Dad died just under two-months later because he actually had fast-progressing cancer.

Then she became suicidal. She drank hard alcohol, didn’t drink water (You HAVE to drink water here because it’s so dry.) and stopped eating. I took her food and also dropped off food for her daughter. She kinda stopped parenting last fall. She came back to work and off leave and went promptly home after a couple of hours. Then she was drunk for our next several phone calls. Finally, I gave her an ultimatum. Go into rehab or I’m dispatching a welfare check. She was hospitalized for 6-days. She’s getting lots of bills. However, she’s alive. In a training that I lead one line that I learned is “I’d rather have you mad at me, than dead at me.” We’re friends now. So weird.

When I went out into the hall I saw the climber–so glad that she was at work–and said, “Happy New Year, _____,” and thought fuck it, so I hugged her close and tight in the hallway. Easy to get away with that stuff under the guise of 2023. So nice. A little later I said that I wanted to show her my tattoo. It is finally finished. It was done later in the month in 2013 and some on the top of my hips hurt like hell, so I never finished it. (That area hurt again too. Ribs are ok, and body fat is not on me.) We went back to my office and then four people were there. Of course they were. I’m going to ask her Monday if I can take her out to dinner for her birthday next Monday and then I can show it to her in my car or something. I just want to make plans for this month. She invited me to a community dance last night, and I just don’t feel confident about that yet. I need to get lessons squared away. She also said that I should do a sing along at her house sometime. I could go for that. I’m getting way better chording on this guitar that I bought.

I led an hour-long training yesterday afternoon for everyone. I couldn’t even look at her. So, she got one of the notebooks that I brought and some colored pencils and drew. She’s so cool. After my training and after our meeting was done, I gave her the unopened bag of Bark Thins and the one that had been opened and asked her take it to her house. I think that she has five roommates in her giant house that she owns. She handed me back the unopened one and I told her please that my son doesn’t need it and needs to lose weight. She thanked me.

I need a new pool. One of my bosses was talking shit to me on Tuesday because he’s been out on all kinds of dates and I have had one in the last two weeks. I said, “Yeah, you swipe,” and he said, “No, I met her on Facebook.” Don’t know how the Facebook dating app is different than swiping, but ok. You’re better at pool and bowling than I am and you win on dating. I just need a big pool.

Goddess of the cyclist/hiker hear me! Where is that pool?

I’m excited for a convention next month. My old friend who moved back to California may come too. She asked me to send her a picture from my wedding via text, and I said, “No way.” Then I realized it was super rude so I texted that I was divorced. She felt so badly that she didn’t know, so she said she’d come next month for the convention. We spoke and she said that she can get funding for the Conference, so we may connect there. I’m excited to network at the convention and maybe have a long distance hiker and biker.

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Goals

How many people are writing about these today? Or tomorrow? Anyway. It’s really important for me to think about.

I went indoor climbing and finally got up a route because I watched my old work husband’s wife do it and studied her body for handholds and steps up, and then had lots of encouragement from them both. I was so proud. When we were at sushi afterward, I got a text from from the photographer ensuring me that she only wanted to be friends. I wrote back, “Want to play pickleball? We can definitely be friends.” Then weirdness ensued.

My old work colleague who had kids a year after I had my son actually reached out to me Monday and said that she wanted to hang out on Wednesday, so although I’d not heard from the photographer, I said that she and I would play pickleball with her in the morning. It usually is only about an hour. I thought that the photographer and I would hike afterward.

My old work colleague cancelled in the morning on Wednesday via text at 6:30 a.m. She had named noon as a start time. I was so irritated. Why call me and say that you want to hang out on Wednesday? She has an extra racket, so I needed her. I only have mine. The photographer has never played before and wants to learn. My old work colleague was also bringing another woman so that we could all play. Have no idea why she didn’t bother to look at her work schedule. The photographer said that it was cool and she was thinking a bike ride, but it’s going to rain. I sent her a picture that I’d sent the climber in November of my bike on a No Parking Sign at my main building that I work in with ice everywhere in the background. I ride almost no matter what. Almost. I just slowly said that I was sorry, and I hope that our paths cross sometime soon. I have to sell a house in the fall, so she’s the one that I want to do that. Also, I always do what I say I’ll do and if she contacts me, I’ll take her safely up a high peak.

I see my best friend tonight, so I want to when I hug her just say, “Hey, ___ wants to be friends and I’m totally fine with that.” I don’t want to talk about it much because they’re pretty decent friends. I’ve realized that when I meet people through my best friend that there is no way to keep much clean and she’s kinda in our relationship. Not really a big deal, because she doesn’t have too many single friends, so I don’t see it happening again.

One of my goals is to just stay calm and cool about everything with respect to woman who you want to date. You can’t control other people, and honestly you wouldn’t want to do so if you’re being honest with yourself.

I have to grade today and tomorrow. I haven’t graded.

Instead, I worked because I need the money because one of my checks was $400 less than it usually is and that job doesn’t start again in February like it usually does. Yikes. So I did two cases and got quite a bit of money, but had to pay my best friend $300 for rent and other things that I need for cases. I changed my disclosure statement to reflect administrative fees going forward that I’ll collect directly from clients for $150 per case. Doesn’t solve my problem of really needing money now though. The issue is that I’m still paying my ex wife every month until August, and then in the late summer or fall when I sell a house, the buyers can pay her directly through the title company the remainder that she and I decided upon. That is a burden externally and internally for me. I need to do my very best to keep spending down and also beg if I need to for a monthly case. Those will mean that I only have to come up with $70 extra to pay my ex wife.

Money won’t always be like this. In fact, I talked to my best friend from my first round of grad school last week, and I’ll go see her in Germany in November if I can get a passport quickly right after the house sells. Mine expired in 2014. I’ve only been to BC and Mexico. I will have quite a lot of money in the fall, and I do want to go to Europe. I want to see Rhineland, which is where my mother’s folks originated, and I want to see Bavaria and the Alps. Otherwise, I am open to whatever and so lucky to finally have actual money so I can travel abroad. It’s coming, but I have to be very careful right now.

A second goal is to think about all spending until the house that I can sell is sold.

I had wonderful prowl last night with my old friend. She fixed her makeup expertly and looked really pretty. I am very fit right now. I don’t think that my waistline has looked like this since probably 2013. My old friend kept saying that she needed to pull her shirt out because she didn’t want her belly to show. I think that some of it has to do that I don’t have any body fat in my waistline and really that has been a long time since I’ve been without love handles and the like. I think that the oblique work that I’ve been doing has been helpful. She is more than welcome to do circuits or anything with me!

That brings me to my next couple of goals. I really want to get bigger again. I used to have huge biceps. I had a weight day that you can do with 20-lb dumbells and then at least 30-lbs on a barbell–you can use more weight. I got freaked out because my orthopedic surgeon said that it might be best for me not to do anything over my head anymore. She didn’t say no. So, I want to do that routine once weekly and I can do that at home. It doesn’t require anything that I don’t have.

A third goal is to add back my A Weights day to my routines.

I took my old friend out to dinner last night and we drank sake with our food. I can’t believe how much I ate. I had done 6 machines for triceps, biceps and rhomboids, and did drink 32-ounces of whey protein and ate a sandwich, but I was still starving. Then at the bar for our prowl, I had two beers over the course of four-hours and drank three glasses of water. I feel tip top today.

My fourth goal is to monitor well drinking and never over indulge.

I bought myself a Christmas present. It’s beautiful. It’s a guitar with a built-in tuner that is 3/4 size. I want to get better. I’ve been playing and singing “A Little Bit of Love” and just started learning “One Sweet Love.” I have played, historically, classical guitar, so I do look stupid with a steel string acoustic up in the air on my left side, but I can’t play otherwise. I have been singing my ass off at home. I also sometimes play “Every Rose has it’s Thorn,” but the range is a bit on the low end. Anyway, because of this activity, last night when I could hear myself, I thought it sounded good. I sang “We Belong.” (It’s really hard to hear yourself in a bar on karaoke speakers.) Three people came up directly and said that I was amazing. A little, young blond woman talked to my friend and she motioned to me sitting on the couch and the girl beamed. Also, there was a hazel eyed dark haired woman who smiled at me several times afterward and also would come into the room where the stage was. At the end of the night, I went to the bar and tapped her shoulder. She didn’t talk to me. I said, “I just wanted to say ‘Happy New Year’ to you,” and she smiled so big. She thanked me. Then she hugged me and we hugged tight. It felt so good. It felt similar to hugging the climber.

My fifth goal is to be bold and approach women for a nice exchange and maybe a hug.

My sixth goal is to keep singing.

My seventh goal is to practice a bit of classical again, and get really good on my beautiful guitar with chords and singing simultaneously.

I was disappointed to not have a cycling and hiking partner anymore. I don’t think that the photographer really bikes all that much. I think she’s more into yoga. Also, she said that she wanted to do a less intense hike, so the 5-8 miles much have been a bit much for her baseline.

So, I’d like to meet a younger woman who is very driven to hike and bike. I only say younger because women in their mid and late forties don’t have the energy that I do with the exception of my best friend from work who wished me good luck when I’d not connected with the climber in a couple of weeks. She is badass. I am pretty sure that she turns 50 in May. However, she lives in TX. And she just bikes around on a cruiser.

My eighth goal is to find a pretty woman to hike and bike with during the week and for a couple of hours when it works on the weekend.

I’m bold, and direct. I have no need to dwell on what a woman is doing when she’s not around or making plans with me. I’ve always been able to support myself and my son. I have no desire to support a woman. I’m on a path to financial solvency. I’m fit and getting fitter. I care passionately about my health. I have a distinctive speaking voice and through a hobby am getting my singing voice to meet my deep and easy to listen to speaking voice. I love women. I love hugs with chemistry. I took guitar as an elective in high school and now have a beautiful instrument. I want to get really good. I love my bike. I love to hike.

  1. Calm and cool
  2. Spend less
  3. Do you
  4. Lift like a girl
  5. Healthy alcohol consumption
  6. Get big
  7. Love / Connect / Lead with Heart
  8. Sing
  9. Play guitar

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Challenger / Protector / Boss

What do I want to work on? Conflicts. I don’t care about them at work. There are some unreasonable consumers that I have for stakeholders, so I just disengage. I guess that is normal for who I am via the Enneagram because when I get stressed out I withdraw and think about my own things which are often pessimistic. The approach reads like a turtle. In the shell, head buried, stay in there, and then when you come out have a strategy. That’s gross. It is the natural stress point though with becoming an investigator when you’re under stress and are a Challenger.

One time in one of my buildings we were all stuck at work late at night because we are public servants and sometimes little makes sense and is a rule or simply bureaucratic. We were reading the Enneagram stuff and when it got to parts about an unhealthy 8, it basically described razing the area and everyone in the path to the ground whilst self-destructing. Hahahahaha.

The photographer said that I don’t seem like an 8, and that’s because I feel most comfortable living in the Giver and Helper, which is the heart of the 8. Like me, the climber is also an 8. I noticed that she only uses one noun to describe it: Protector. The photographer is a 3 and the term Achiever resonates with her. She told me that she is working on not having to accomplish daily.

I need to work on conflict. I am wondering if taking a walk would help the turtle. At that first twinge of disappointment / disagreement just say, “This situation seems to be going in circles. I’m going to take a walk, and come back in an hour. I value you and don’t want to say anything that is solely in anger.” I need to operate from a place of empathy when I come back and acknowledge any harm that I have caused.

Do you fight with lovers who you don’t live with and with whom you make concrete plans and only concentrate on those? I don’t think that you do. We had plans to climb the artificial wall at the Rec Center and those had to halt because we had a late meeting and celebration which ensued after the meeting was over. I didn’t trip out. And she didn’t trip out when I couldn’t find my car that night. She also had to cancel when she got rebound symptoms on 11/11 when we had plans. I didn’t trip out. I texted her that if she’d like we should go to a play, symphony or ballet sometime because I didn’t know how my hair looked straightened since I stop dyeing it, and we should do so and get dressed up together. She thought about it for three-weeks and then asked and we did it! No fight. No conflict. Not that we’re lovers… Yet.

I haven’t spent enough time with the photographer to test my evolving theory. I hope that she can make Tuesday work, because I had to flake out on indoor climbing and dinner plans with my old work husband and his real wife. Now, he’s got to reschedule those. I just have to watch the weather for winter summits. Those can be really impossible in windy conditions.

When the photographer and I got back to the trailhead where I parked on Sunday, I’d asked her if I could take her to lunch and she said that she had a 4 o’clock and that made me really conscious of the time. I think that I got back to her car at 3, so she made it. She said that she would not have any plans after our plans for the next get together. Again, no conflict. I still need to work on my skills with them though.

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Blue-eyed, Millennial Capricorns

She embraced me too–super mutual embrace.  She remarked that I was obviously good people because I was acquainted with my best friend as is she.  I asked her if she was allergic to dogs and she exclaimed, “No, did you bring pups?!?”  I said that I hadn’t,  but wanted to drive and couldn’t do so if she was allergic due to dog hair in my vehicle.  She hopped in.  I drove west.  And when I turned off to start heading up to the trailhead from the highway I said, “It’s so beautiful up here. I’ve not been up here in a long time,” and she talked about hiking there last weekend.  I turned around and got back on the highway.  She was taken aback and did laugh, but was very surprised.  I actually had intended to head more west, but the road was confusing so we were heading back, so I decided to turn into the road that goes into town and she told me that she’d shot a wedding here.  I said, “I want to hike somewhere new to you!”  She said that she swore that it was right there only and hadn’t been on the back side of the trail.  We found the trailhead with her help and she started talking to me about what she is going through right now with a friend of hers and it is a lot–scary stuff.  That opened the door to my being really open with her.

The photographer talked about her family, she talked about her ex, so I talked about two of mine including my ex-wife.  And she told me where she’d arrived with her friend and care of her.  She’s solid.  She is also very sexy, multilingual, does a daily Yoga practice and dances.  She has her own businesses and has a flexible work schedule.  We talked about her bike too.  I want to ride with her as well.  She told me that she’d never done a high peak and that friends are always saying that they’re going to take her up one.  I’ll have to lend her snow pants and they won’t fit her super great, and we should maybe both rent crampons.  I am reasonably sure that I have two sets of trekking poles, but have to look.  I know the one that we’ll do and have done winter mountaineering one time on a rope team, so I feel confident.  We just have to look for the best high pressure day next week because it can get windy and miserable.  The forecast looks safest in 8-days. 

I talked about my recent shift into believing in polyamory.  I explained a few times that it’s weird to have many friends and one partner.  I talked about how odd it is that one person would believe that she could be all for another.  We talked about my best friend’s desire to be with a woman, and how it freaks out her husband.  I said that they should swing, and then realized that would mean that my best friend would also be providing some intimacy to a man other than her husband and it 1) really grossed me out, and 2) helped me understand that would be incredibly complicated.  It would be easier for them to have a woman that they had an understanding with, but it’s off the table because he’s jealous.  It makes me sad for her. 

She almost fell and noted how quick my reaction time is.  I would have caught her.  Parts of the trail were incredibly icy.  I’m going to have to buy new boots finally because there is a part of them that has no tread at all.  I slipped a couple of times, but it wasn’t anything serious.  We must have hiked almost 8-miles.  I keep my phone in my back pocket, but it lowballs things if I don’t specifically run the app and rely on it to run in the background.  If I run it specifically to track though, it drains my battery.  It tracked us at 5.8-miles.  Regardless, we gained lots of elevation and I was STARVING when I got home. 

It was a great first date.  We embraced again outside her car, and she said, “Nice to meet you,” and I said in her ear, “We’ve met.”  She blushed a little and laughed and said, “Oh, I know.”  She’s much more cautious than the climber.  She’s also almost exactly two-years older than her.  It’s really odd.  The climber’s birthday is one day in the next three-weeks (37), and the photographer’s is three days after that (39).  Incidentally, my best friend’s follows in three-days and my son’s three days after that, but they are Aquarii.  My love interests are blue-eyed Millennial Capricorns.  I like this part of my life.

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Drinking with the climber: Points of reflection

She had to go to a legal conflict resolution session with her ex yesterday because the person leading it couldn’t meet on Monday. When I got to my event, one of the other professors and her female partner left. It was really awkward. I made a joke about it, and they said it was their one-year anniversary, but it was odd. I told them that I would see them in March because they’re organizing cross country skiing. That’s something that I want to learn how to do, and all the classes that I tried to sign up for at the beginning of the month are now full, so I’m really glad that one of the professors with whom I work has organized a trip. The other professors and I hung out for about an hour and she finally texted that she was on her way! By that time, only the woman who is a mentor to me and did my post-doc for me was there, but I’ve known her years and she was a little lit, so she was being super fun when the climber got there.

She looked so tired. I put my arms around her and hugged her tight, but her energy was really low. She came back to be with us and I said, “I’m getting a beer!” I had drunk water for an-hour-and-a-half because of my baggage / experience. My ex who is dying would be loaded all the time.

I flew to Mexico in 2010 for Thanksgiving and she missed me at the airport and all the resorts there have the same name, so with my Spanish that is high school Spanish, I hailed a cab and drove around. Finally the cab driver said, “Do you think that this one is it?” I sat in the lobby. She hadn’t even bothered to give me her mother’s last name. I used the courtesy computer and emailed her and sat in the lobby for an hour (Does anyone reading this entry remember international roaming and being unable to text?). At that point, a woman who I believed to be her sister, and her nephew, and his girlfriend got off the elevator in swimsuits and towels. I ran toward them and introduced myself. If I remember correctly, they said that my ex was at the pool or in a cabana or something, or maybe she’d gone to the room? My ex did apologize, but she was really tipsy. When I flew into Key West for our last trip ever in September of 2011, I finally found her in a pool at a hotel wherein she’d texted me the name because at least that trip was in country. She was topless swimming in a pool and got out eventually when she saw me.

Don’t drink when your date isn’t there yet. Don’t even order a beer or glass of wine. Read the room, and energy. When she got there she had a Moscow Mule, I believe, and later had an Old Fashioned. I can’t drink hard alcohol, so I had two IPAs. I was definitely tipsy. She can hold alcohol way better than I can. I’ve now made a decision. No more solitary drinking. I have had a beer most nights for many, many years. But, I am done. I’ll have two beers with a friend or on a date when my date is drinking. I also will have beers when I cook for friends. It’s time for me to shift some habits and not mute things that are annoying through drinking when I’m home alone with my son. It’s dissociative. So is watching a movie on my phone. No more alone tactics like these.

My mentor puts everyone at ease and is extroverted, reads well dynamics, and the climber started getting acclimated and livened up a ton. The climber is so charming, funny and easy to talk to. She bantered with my mentor and they discussed grading in a post-COVID environment, living and teaching abroad, and also my mentor told stories from her youth and the climber engaged, was laughing and asking her questions, and was so easy and fun. What a contrast from my ex-wife who was so awkward all the time around my colleagues. She wouldn’t even let me have colleagues over for dinner and when my mentor came over after I turned 40 and had dinner with me, she buzzed around the kitchen. My mentor remarked again on how beautiful my ex-wife was. Although true, I don’t miss having to limit any social interactions and worry that when we were around people–particularly those who are educated–she would sometimes fight with me after they left. She’s not like that with her family, or two of her friends from high school, but isn’t comfortable around many people. I can’t believe that I convinced myself it was normal.

My mentor left around 8:30 or so, and the climber said, “Can I join you?” and snuggled up with me in the booth. I said, “I would love to take you out to dinner.” She said, it was probably around nine, “The hour for fine dining has passed.” I cracked up. I asked her about the conflict resolution and she said that there was some limited headway. I was so glad. We talked about how our vacations were going to shake out. She kissed me and I told her it was my lifetime quota for kissing in public. I said, “Quota is the wrong word. It’s that I’ve kissed you in public more than anyone who I have been with combined.” I said a few phrases in Spanish, and she got all fired up. Spanish just has some precision in phrasing that doesn’t translate well in English, so I use them. Check. Going forward will speak in Spanish for at least part of the night every time we’re connecting.

She ate some sweet potato fries, and I was no longer hungry at all. We talked and talked. She explained her impressions of people and not seeing gender in anyone. She talked about three days with her sister and Mom and Dad for Christmas. She talked about her camping plans. This time, she didn’t ask me about dates that I have (I have only one.) and generally seemed more confident about my not wanting exclusive. I did tell her that when I make plans, I would like to pay. I also told her that I want to go caving with her and do some hiking or climbing in the south. I think that we can do that this summer or spring. She is always game for an adventure.

We kissed, and I put my hands all over her arms and also was touching her left thigh. I always wind up touching the tops of her hands. They’re fascinating. I finally got to palm mine with hers. It’s remarkable because mine are so small for my height and hers are huge for hers. We talked about being the shortest and darkest in our families. She touched my right leg once and said, “You have on corduroys too!” We both like the sensory experience of wearing them and petting them. We talked about doing that when we are sitting or in meetings and love the feel of them. I used the word “basic.” She said that illustrates the only age difference. I guess I get it, but I am WYSIWYG. My son calls girls in white Adidas who have a certain look “basic,” so that must have been what the climber was referencing.

She got tired, hit a wall, and I put on my gear and she walked me out. When I put on my reflection straps and helmet, I felt like a dork. I apologized, and she said, “I’m waiting until you get that put away (my lock) and then I’m getting another kiss.” I remembered her her side comb, and said, “I have something for you.” She said that it was from her wedding. Besides her shoes, it was the only thing that she’d removed after the ballet when I was ultimately in a bra and underwear in my bed. I think that she was younger than me when she married the man who she’d ultimately been with for 17-years of her life. I got married to a man at 23, and was a child. I only have our album, and don’t have the garter or anything from my hair or the jewelry. I’m going to thrift my wedding dress from my second wedding over vacation. The climber talked about liking having something fancy from her wedding and I agreed. She looked so beautiful with her hair fixed last week for the ballet. I like her in a beanie, corduroys, and a down jacket too. I just like her.

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Exciting reconnection

My best friend is a musician. She is also very, very extroverted. During the height of the first COVID summer my ex-wife and I were in her backyard with another couple drinking and eating cheese and veggies. I had brought a beautiful bottle of Rosé, and it was good, and the bottle and stopper were gorgeous. I was drinking. My ex-wife doesn’t drink at all. Awkward doesn’t scratch the surface. One of the women with whom she’d performed in an amazing canyon the summer before just has dark energy. Her partner sat mostly quietly. My ex-wife wanted to leave when we got there. That wasn’t unique.

My best friend was having a concert this October and it was going to be at the partner’s house. Not sure when the couple broke up. I’ll find out soon. The concert was fairly inexpensive, but the people she’d invited couldn’t afford it, so it was cancelled. My best friend was disappointed because she really wants me to be connected with this woman. Last Wednesday, my best friend had lunch with her and she told her to give her my number. Not sure why my best friend wasn’t down for that, but she sent us a connection email.

Here is what I wrote back to the connection email:

“Hi, ___,

Do you hike or cycle?

Kindly,

______.”

Several days later I got back the cutest email. She doesn’t remember me. When you’re in partnership that’s exclusive and you live together it has an effect on what you see, connect to, and are open with in terms of others. I sent her a picture of a glass wine stopper because she had complimented the bottle two-years ago–my God, it will be three in July, and now that I’m thinking about it, I think that bottle is in my son’s room with a plant in it, but I wanted her to have a visual of something she’d said to me then. She had given me her number in the cute email, so we’ve exchanged lots of texts Monday through yesterday. I wasn’t heavily flirtatious or anything, but we’d just made plans so I wanted to her to have the knowledge that we did indeed meet almost three years ago so I sent that picture.

She had said in her email that she’d like to get a drink/coffee/hike/bike. I made hiking plans with her for Sunday. I actually can’t wait! She’s really cute. Reddish, blondish hair, large blue eyes. I can’t remember, but I do think she’s taller than me which is my historical norm. I want: great conversation, and two hugs. I want the last hug to be tighter and closer. Of course, I’ll get what I want and that’s exercise. I need a woman with whom I can hike and bike who I think is attractive. I don’t necessarily need to be taught something from a woman such as climbing or dancing, because it creates a power differential, which I don’t think is super healthy with someone who you kiss.

The climber is all stressed out. When I see her on Thursday at the tail end of my work party, I’m just going to give her a hug and read her energy. She had to make an appointment for Thursday and I thought that it was going to be Monday, but the person helping her with legal navigation with her ex wasn’t available on Monday. I don’t have any expectations for Thursday and have loved our last four times together with the exception of her worrying that I want to be her girlfriend after the ballet. I don’t want a girlfriend/partner.

I tell everyone the same thing. I don’t want to live with anyone, I don’t want a marriage, and I never want financial entanglements. I don’t have the energy that is required in exclusive love relationships. I also have come to a decision that like your friends, you can have girlfriends that you like to do different things with: go to dog parks, potlucks, adventures, dress-up dates, hikes, etc. I really don’t even have enough experience yet to know all the possibilities. I will tell you that after I broke up with my ex who is likely dying that I went straight into another partnership and was convinced of a “one.” That is nauseating bullshit. I’m not everything for anyone and why would there be for me?

I’m not afraid of commitment. I could be with two or three different women and those could be the ones who I see. I do think that when sex occurs that I’ll go back to therapy. The climber was super relieved that I’ve had a date since she belayed me and that I had asked out another woman who said life was hectic right now. I’m not sure what she was thinking, but I don’t want to talk about other women with women and she said that she wants to hear that stuff. I won’t give details unless I’m asked though, because I don’t want repeats of what I had in 2010 listening to a woman bitch about another woman she is intimate with, because that doesn’t work for me. Again, when things progress physically, I will get a new therapist.

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The Ballet with the Climber

She came into my house having been running a few minutes late. After a bit, we embraced, and I can’t tell you how great that it felt for me to have her arms around me again. She titled her head and kissed me. We kissed. She had on sparkly heels, ear rings, a matching necklace and a tight purple dress. I just can’t get over her body. And when she wears a dress that’s fitted at the waist it’s a singular experience to be able to walk behind her and watch her glide.

I had jacked myself all up with nerves given the long period in between when we’d seen and touched each other. I was so nervous, a little jumpy, and then after we were on the train having taken my car to the Park N Ride, I relaxed and eased in. She had told me that she was curious about my nerves. I told her that I process slow. It’s true. I retold her and with all the detail when I watched her climb, fix leads, and rappel and she belayed me up 20-feet. She said is that when your son said that “You’re a Rock Star? That’s good. A Rock Star. I think it’s a compliment.” After some laughter and cuddling, I was back to that ease that I have with her.

We were off to the side but only about 12 rows back in the Orchestra. It’s some of the best seats that I’ve ever had. We touched and held each other. Because she has her own dance company and teaches, it was consuming to watch it with her. I’ve seen it probably 8-times actually, but I got so much out of it not only given our seats, but watching detail given my picking up on her energy when we touched or followed the same gaze toward the stage.

After intermission, she kissed me in my seat. She said, “Is that ok here?” It had turned me on a little bit, so I said, “Yes, of course.” She kissed me again. When the lights dimmed for the second act, I kissed her. We settled back in to watch it. The performance was great.

A brass band was playing outside and we swayed together a little and then after 5 songs she took me to the busy sidewalk and danced with me. I told her that it wasn’t our gazebo. Her boldness combined with sensuality gets me whole body and mind. We walked back to the train and kissed. She asked me again and I told her that I’ve had partners who wouldn’t even hold my hand. I think that my ex who is dying would kiss me occasionally, but it was when she was really drunk, so I hated it because it was embarrassing. My ex wife would hold my hand only every once in awhile and then would get worried that people were looking at us. The climber could care less.

We snuggled and talked on the train. I asked her if this was a date, and she said, “I think that this is actually a date.” When we got up to the surface parking she thanked me for suggesting the train and said it was great to talk and cuddle. I opened her door for her and shut it gently and said, “I’m closing your door because this IS a date.” When I got into my garage, I said, “Can you please come in?” and I slowly unbuttoned her wool overcoat and hung it in my hall closet. We got into my bed and she gave me a lot of shit for the decorative pillows. I don’t like taking all that stuff off and on either and can’t wait to get new bedding actually. We made out and I said, “I don’t care that you have on a dress, but I’m taking mine off because it’s uncomfortable.” Hers clung to her body and was fitted at the waist. Mine was sleeveless and a straight cut with a high collar and back, and was too constricting. She told me that she hadn’t packed for her weekend and we couldn’t do 3:30 again, and I agreed. We made out and she told me that I have the softest skin.

I think that she’s worried that I want something from her that she doesn’t want to give. I told her definitively that I don’t want to remarry and I don’t want to live with anyone. I told her, “_____, I don’t expect something exclusive. There’s something so immediate about being with you, and I’m so cautious and careful (Frankly, I can be risk aversive, but I didn’t say that.) that it’s so good for me to do things with you that I would never do normally as you open up possibilities for me.” There is this tenderness with us too wherein we lay so quietly and touch or just gently hold each other. I think that she calls this quality “sweet,” and it is. I just want to see her monthly when I can, and I want us to concentrate on those plans that we have. And when it works, I want more plans.

I’m still going to prowl. I will probably go back to the group with the neuroscientist who shot me down and the other woman who went to the dog park with me before she had a health thing. I’m not swiping. I want to meet women organically and connect when it makes sense. Until my next adventure, I’ll have my intrusive thoughts about the climber.