Tag Archives: Pain

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Honesty

I’ve had five dates since I broke up with Scorpio.

I have been DMing with about six other women.

I don’t have any business investing my heart in women.

At this time, I wrestle over and over with the fact that when Scorpio is mad she yells. It may begin as crying, which becomes a raised voice and later always gives way into yelling.

I can’t understand how she was able to go dark for an entire day. Having sex with three different people in 24-hours also seems like a mood cycle.

I probably shouldn’t say the latter, but after a lot of reflection, it’s very difficult for me to turn off the part of my mind which is trained.

In terms of healthy conflict, I had said that we needed to walk away from people in a park when we were out of town together and she was yelling. That time she was yelling because I said that I would go back on Saturday from the camping birthday party that she wanted me to attend with her and she said, “No.” Originally when I committed to that activity, she and I would’ve had the first night with just us together in separate accommodations. Then we’d have had two other nights in an open floor plan cabin with two other women. We wound up having a woman whom neither of us knew in our cabin that Thursday night, and then two different women from her friend group on Friday and Saturday nights.

During that conflict she told me that she would never go to an overnight party for one of my friends and that she was glad that she knew that was my boundary.

She continued to yell.

We talked about that conflict four different times and got to the bottom of it and she said that my not staying the whole time meant that I wasn’t a teammate. I understood that. I went. I did the best that I could around 60 people who I don’t know and I made three quiches for the contribution that she and I made for our brunch team. (Due to her dietary restrictions I learned how to make one that was gluten and dairy free.)

Teammate.

Does a teammate go dark for a whole day?

Does a teammate not acknowledge two texts that you send (one at 7:30 pm and another at 9:10 pm)?

Does a teammate drop a threesome bomb via text in the middle of the night?

I think that’s a coach who tells you how you’ll play everything.

Last week one of the video dates that I had was awful–I wrote about it–and the one that I had yesterday was good.

I have to admit that an adventure partner or an out-of-state travel partner feels less appealing to me given that I broke up with my girlfriend and don’t have an anchor partner. I’m left not understanding how she could unload on me when I had hurt feelings about her behavior and choices.

I can pose those three questions again and substitute the word “anchor partner” with “teammate.”

I know the answers regardless of the role of the person in each question. No.

It doesn’t change how incredibly heartbroken I am in this situation.

Scorpio and I had so many things that were aligned. We had a brilliant emotional and physical connection. There were superficial things that turned out to be fascinating in our commonality as well. We had both empty sibling and home and root houses in our charts. I have the same facial expressions that one of her partners had whom she was deeply in love with and would break up with and get back together. She looks like my murdered former sister-in-law and is an artist and witchy like she was too. We have women (different archetypes) tattooed on our left sides. We laughed so hard for hours. We could cuddle for hours too as our bodies ceased to begin and end (She said once, “Our bodies just fit. They fit perfectly.”). Scorpio and I had it going on. There is nothing that I can do to impact her volatility, deflecting responsibility, belittling, and sabotaging.

I’m committing to five sessions with a psychologist (The first appointment is today.) to reconcile my conflicting feelings and deal with heartbreak.

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Knee

Five-days after I last wrote in my blog there was a sloppy, snowy puddle in a dark stairwell at one of my sites. I should’ve been more careful, because a 15-year-old who I was walking out after our session fell there 20-minutes before. I helped him up. He had scrapped his shin. I thought “Don’t wear Crocs.”

Except that the stairwell is really dark when it’s overcast, so I didn’t see the puddle and fell at the base of the staircase. My leg went under and behind me. The knee hyperextended. All my weight fell on it. I had to awkwardly pull my leg out from under me. I tried to do the group that is scheduled, but my knee just kept swelling. I had to call our Human Resources Department and then get a case number and head to Urgent Care.

Although it happened on the 3rd, I had problems with the insurance adjusters. I didn’t get a MRI until the 30th. The Physician’s Assistant called me yesterday. It’s three things. Two are old things. One is brand new. I have damaged all the cartilage behind my knee cap.

I have severe osteoarthritis. This diagnosis isn’t shocking. My leg was in a full leg plaster cast for 14-months as an adolescent. I didn’t get a walking cast for a long time and then had to rehab my knee for a couple of years.

I have chondromalacia. I was born knock kneed on my left leg, and then getting hit by a car and having 7 fractures was largely unhelpful.

I will finally see the Physician on Friday. However the Physician’s Assistant told me that what is likely is that he’ll send me to the Orthopedic Surgeon for a consultation.

I’m in very good physical shape for 50. I have a realistic, yet mostly positive outlook. I think if I’m being honest with myself, it’s really a matter of timing and figuring out the best way to get a total knee replacement down the road or sooner.

It’s been very sad for me to do a super long hike quickly and then be like someone in her 70s coming back down. I am so slow with downhill anything. This issue has been going on for a long time. Now, it’s so much pain that I haven’t been able to bike to work, run on the treadmill or do the elliptical, had to quit bowling and couldn’t be on either of the kickball teams this spring.

Oof. Any thoughts?