Monthly Archives: August 2012

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Never over

I let her have dinner with me two weeks ago.  I don’t know what this experience will ultimately entail, but I know that based on some interpersonal work that she is doing, that she is different.  I know too, that she wonders if she’s lost me or if I will suddenly starting dating someone.  She was funny and open, and that’s a side that I have not seen since last fall.  She is in there, but is scared that I will just decide to explore intimately one of the connections that I have with either of these girls.

The first girl is obscenely too young for me.  A ten-year age different also involves some stage of life disconnects that would impact a relationship significantly.  It is also obvious that she is mad at me for breaking our date last weekend, but I don’t have the bandwidth to see two girls at once.  She was somewhat remote yesterday and promised to call Sat, and did not, so I didn’t say when I approached her that I was back seeing my ex.  No reason to when after our date you didn’t contact me much.  I think that I got one text, so it was simple for me two weeks ago to say that I had too much going on and couldn’t keep our date.

The other girl is quite reserved and shy, so she won’t make a move and honestly, she would be a wonderful friend to me, and that should be where it stays.  I seek passion.  She gives me those non-hug hugs as well, so nothing will ever happen.  I kind of am an introvert collector, but it’s been much easier for me to date an extrovert.  I’d rather that she and I just spend time together to get a good friendship on track anyway, because my extremely social lifestyle would put her over the edge if we had a relationship.

I had to change some plans with my ex this past weekend and she came unhinged.  I reacted too much to it too.  I need to remember that she has not gone on a vacation in 8-years and that she works around the clock most weeks.  I don’t want to call her at work again, but will answer when I am able at my work.  Changing plans is not good, but I don’t come unhinged when they are changed.  I’m ultimately more flexible and patient though.

The appeal still is that last fall was gorgeous in every way, and that we have a deep emotional and physical connection.  She held me tight on Saturday night and told me that she was too spent to make love and told her that was fine.  She said, “Who is this?” I told her most of the truth, and that was that sex will usually happen if you have a strong connection and I noted that during our summer of separation.  Another factor is that for a minute this summer, I kinda dated a girl who would have shown up to do me any day of the week, and that left me empty.  I want my sexual activities to matter every time that I do it.  Yesterday morning we had a couple hours of wonderful contact that was some of the best that we have ever had.

I just want to hang out with her when it makes sense, less the intensity that ultimately feeds problems.  I don’t have to engage when she is angry about something that has only to do with me on the periphery.  I could date, but I don’t want to date.  It’s too much work unless someone is honest about being into you and has confidence and drive to meet you half-way.  I’d rather get the things done that I have to, and continue to work on a possibility for relationship with my ex.  It seems crazy, but deep, passionate love is crazy.

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BME

So, I talked with my ex last night and the conversation felt comfortable.  I wound up thinking, “Maybe it is possible to to friends with an ex?”  However, today when she learned that I had some dates, and of course, sex, she FREAKED out.  I don’t have anything to apologize for a damn thing that I do, as we are not together, but she wigged completely out.  Let it be known that she and I had not had any intimacy for three months.    She continues to tell me about all the offers that she gets, but that she can’t take any of them because she “cares for me” and that is not even accurate.  She had told me about a reading that she had done said that this is her closure year and not a good time to start a relationship, so that’s the reason.  Whatever the reason, you broke up with me every month for three and in the third, I started agreeing with you.  Tonight, you told me in an e-mail that you’d go to therapy with me.  However, that is not bait that I will take.  Have your date on Thursday.  Good for you!

I had two today.  I thought that this girl from church was really cute, so I asked her out.  We picnicked and took a long walk around the park.  I embraced her after we parted after a couple of hours and she squeezed my right bicep.  Yep.

My cycling partner introduced me to this other woman who came to dinner tonight.  She dressed up, brought wine, and talked at length with me.  I liked this evening.  I was worried that she didn’t talk, but she does, and is smart and very stable.  I liked her.  She is a week and two years older than me.  My first date (lunch) is 10-years younger.

Wow.  There is certainly a beginning, middle, and end when you break up completely with the woman who you thought that you were going to marry.  And I’m very interested to see what shall unfold with these two women.  I had a great ending to my weekend!

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The Good Fight

What will I do if I still feel this way after next fall?  It has been so beastly hot as of late that I will just be glad for the season to turn, but honestly if she continues to hold so much weight over my heart, what will I do?  Nothing seems to help.  We were so damn happy last fall, and nothing compares to the way that I felt then or how much of myself I gave to her.  I’m not sure when or if those conditions could be met again.  I could do some low maintenance thing with a girl, but I probably could not give too much of myself and that is not fair.  The last girl who I dated was just too needy and thought that she was beyond reproach, but I wonder what would happen if I met a really incredible girl?  Would I even “see” her?  I’m incredulous.  I wish that there was some way for my ex and I to actually be together and enjoy each other without rancor.  I am still in love with her.

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Cultivation

I am really hoping that this year I am able to get some distance between my heart and my ex.  It’s not that I ever contact her, because I just don’t.  I actually also wrote her a letter about where I am, as she has been incessantly contacting me and I’d prefer that it would abate.  She had told me to tell her when I move on because she told me that she only wanted to hear that from me.  Dating for a couple of weeks was a mere distraction, and in the letter that I wrote her, I told her that I had been distracting myself for a couple of weeks and stopped.  She knows me so very well and is a mature person, so she will understand the subtext, and I’m sure that it will piss her off to high hell.  However, I had to just see if this girl and I were compatible.  However after two weeks, she presents as clingy when her roommate is out of town, so I’m not sure if I can even fully tend to a friendship with her.  I think that she is just young.

My ex is not young.  We are exactly the same age.  Our birthdays are just three weeks apart, and being with her did not involve any explanations.  It was easy to talk and interact with her.  I just wish that she would have been less stressed so she would have treated me better, but I guess that is not in the cards for us.  I’m at this stage where I am vulnerable though, so I told her that I knew that she had contacted me and that I had not contacted her back until now, but it was because it’s just very hard for me to engage with her.  I just wish that we would have been able to work out the nuts and bolts of our relationship in counseling.  However, I suppose that she and I were not meant to be in a longterm relationship for some reason.  I would like to build one, but don’t want to sacrifice what I believe is treating others right and building a future or do I want to be with a dreamer who plays all day to escape dealing with real issues.

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NOT who I’m looking for

I don’t want to keep sleeping with this girl.  We need to go back to a friendship.  To tell me that because I fell asleep having already spent three-hours with her when I am back at work and juggling everything that I took advantage of her is much too odd and more work than I need to do with dating.  Waaaaay too much drama for a slow, organic development.  It’s too relationship-oriented for me too.  If she had more mature kinda characteristics–meaning that I could see her as a partner–I’d probably forge forth.  But, I don’t want to and I really miss those good times with my ex.  I don’t engage with her, and I won’t, but life does suck without her and I’m not going to lie.

Gotta talk to this current girl and do the “redefine as friends” convo thing.  I will, and this time actually mean it and intend to be a good friend to her.  I’ve told her over and over what a good egg she is, and it’s true, but she is not who I seek.  Right now, I really just need to connect with friends and mend this fucked-up heart.

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WTF

I don’t know what I am doing.  I know it’s a new girl, but really what does our life path even have the possibility of holding?  She talked about how much she loves kids and would be a great parent and sees herself with a kid, but now since sex, she won’t even hang out with us.  He would have no clue that we were dating, and the rule, which I actually know because I AM a parent, is that you don’t wake up together unless cohabitation is probable.  I don’t think it is in this case with us ever, but I will take time to see.

Here is why I don’t.  I’m working full-time and parenting full-time.  She cooked for me last night, which I thanked her profusely for doing and it was good, and when she came back to my house after 10:00 pm having played some rec sports, she was mad because the ref made only calls against them and they lost, so I had to hear about that for 10-mins.  Really that is souring your mood that much?  She never thought that my day entailed leaving for work, working all day, going to two grocery stores, cooking dinner for my son and his Dad who is graciously watching our son for the next three weeks, working out and then watching her cook (While I opened a beer for her.  She has probably had over a case that I have bought this last month.), and then we had sex.  When she left to play rec sports, I walked my dog.  When I came home, I was spent.  I didn’t even want her to come back, but she had left shoes here.  I listened to her bitch about the ref, I got her stuff to clean her scrapes, but I didn’t drink beers and hang out all day so unlike her, I was falling asleep.

My day is different. Our days will always be different because she works part-time.  As trivial as it  may sound, what you do for a living does affect the way in which you have to organize and live your life.  It’s not just her looks that are polar opposite of my ex, it is also her lifestyle, which is a solely free and easy one.  This is the first time that she made a meal for me and I have made her about 7.  She said that I took advantage of her.  I don’t get that.  Does not add up and seems odd after a few rolls and undefined dating.  I was tired, have been working after my vacation, and I always spend time with her.  Very odd.

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Willpower

It is hard when you are getting to know a girl with whom you wonder if she has a lifestyle that could fit yours to not text your ex back or even engage with her.  I supposed that it just goes back to what my psychologist said and that’s you can’t control her contacting you, and you can control your reaction to it.  So, she has been all over my social media page and commented on one activity and a picture of my son, and I thought that the text that I had gotten while I showered was from the woman who I am currently seeing, but it was from her wishing me a happy workday and telling me that the office is lucky to have me.  It’s sad, because she does this…  She treats people like shit and wonders why they don’t engage with her after the fact.  My reaction is that she still has a very strong hold for me and I can’t contact at all for three-weeks and that’s just for a bday wish.

My current and I haven’t really rebounded from the fight, but we did have sex last night very late and connect.  Because of the disagreement, she makes lots of jokes about our fight, and some of her jokes have that injured feel.  She is probably like me and that is basically a forgiving person, but she is incredulous that it will happen again.  There are some things that I must accept about her.  She is loyal to her roommate and believes that she meets her needs less sex, she is still very much tied to the negative feelings about her ex and some border on emotional vengeance, and she does not see longterm potential in what we have.

I tend to go with what the person who I am dating gives to me.  She is sweet.  She is earnest.  She has a free and easy lifestyle and does not want to be constrained in particular; although she enjoys time with me.  I suppose that I am open to meeting another woman, and that part of me feels sad that this is my approach with such a sweet girl who I can laugh with so easily and who makes time for me.  I will take over the next who knows how long the lessons that I get from her and add it to what I am ultimately seeking.  I still am looking for a compatible partner.