I had a wonderful day yesterday, so now I’m reflecting on it. Now, I’m looking forward to my hump day, which would have started out with a 30-mile bike ride, but it seems really cloudy and like it could continue to rain. I don’t like slipping around inclines on trails on my very light road bike. I don’t think that it actually rained much at my house, but there are huge gray clouds, so my new cycling partner and I are going to do an afternoon ride tomorrow. I did my Day A yesterday, and it combined with humidity and heavy clouds promoted the best sleep that I’ve had in weeks. However, I had a really somewhat unsettling dream.
I was in my black cocktail dress that is fitted at the waist, and I am not sure why I was because I had a slew of adolescents in a day treatment program with whom I was working. Lonely girl was there and working with them as well, because she was giving information on psychopharmacology. It should be noted that I would never be in a slinky black dress if I was working with adolescents or if I was at work, but I was. She was talking to me, and then when I was talking to a group of boys, I turned around and she started touching my back, and then started tending to a blemish that I apparently had on my low back. This dress is not backless, but it was in the dream.
Later after the clients were in her huge backyard in a group, she and I were drawing on a white board and talking about ethnicity, and I told her what everyone who just meets me and is somewhat gauche says, and that’s “What are you?” I get a range. I think that I look Italian, but I get Greek, Asian, and sometimes get asked if I’m Latina, which is more confusing since I do speak some Spanish. She laughed. We talked more and I sat on her back porch. She sat down and put her legs around the back of my right arm and moved herself against me. Then she pulled me to her with her legs, and wound up having her lower body completely pressed against my upper arm and her knees were against my stomach and back. I could feel her heat. At that point, I was really turned on and she asked if I liked her. I said, “Well, I certainly find you attractive, but we have a house full of kids. I’ll have to come back tonight.”
Wow. I think that all the manifest content of that is that I really do miss sex in general. It’s been a couple weeks shy of six-months. I told my workout partner last night that I know that I let my ex say abusive shit to me for as long as I did because she met companionship needs and that I knew that when I stopped seeing her (completely) that I would have a dry spell.
This particular round of celibacy is somewhat self-inflicted because it’s rare for me to be attracted to someone. I was not attracted to Peter Pan, but thought that she was sweet and earnest and it was really flattering to have someone so into you when your ex was doing more push and pull, and you hadn’t had sex with her in three months. That was last summer though. I am not attracted to lonely girl. And she only texts very rarely. She has a nice smile, gorgeous dimples, and I like her hands, but she really is not someone who you’d want to date. I’m done with rich girls too. I think that I also dreamt about her because one of my best friends just broke up with her bf who slept with his best friend a couple weeks ago. He had been in love with his best friend his whole life. She said, “It would be like if you and I got drunk and hooked up.” I said quickly, “That would actually be a mistake because it would affect our 12-year friendship.”
Sex does affect a friendship. With Shane and with Bette (my actual exes), I was not friends with either of them first. So, I’m cool with both of them, but don’t seek them out or makes plans to see them. This particular girl who I dreamt about and I are pseudo friends. It’s not a friendship though. It was odd that I lain in bed for sometime this morning before I got out because I was given pause. I was aroused when I woke up. In the dream it was easy for her to pull my arm against her with her knees. I think that it’s good that if she does get into touch to hang out, I will have my son and she will have her daughter. That will put a halt on any moves she might have. Maybe it’s a cautionary thing. She has a terrible reputation with the 40ish outdoorsy set who I met last September. It’s all regarding that she is not one that you’d want to get into a relationship with, but I think if both parties are open, that is their business in terms of who they sleep with, but I’m not into open. I don’t have time for it either. I also don’t want to have sex with someone who had a relationship with one of my ex’s best friends. No thanks.
I wonder what I will have capacity to do on Saturday night. Probably not much. The race is only five-miles, but it’s got a lot of climbing and lifting combined with water. My son is doing the quarter-mile, so it will be really nice to see him on a weekend that is not mine. I’m proud of him for trying. I imagine that when I get home, I will not be into doing anything but taking a hot bath and using ice and Tiger’s Balm. My intern and her best friend are going to eat dinner with me, so I am pre-cooking on Friday night. These are those times when it’s really nice to have an uncomplicated pinch hitter. Like an ex who you’d never want to be with, but are cool with. If I’m being completely honest with myself, if Shane were still ten-minutes away, I could see myself saying, “Hey, can we hook up for a couple of hours this weekend? Is there a window wherein you will not be having a drop?” That would probably piss her off, but she and I had the most consistent sex of anyone who I’ve slept with, and I would never want to be with her. It’s rare to have something so uncomplicated. Gotta eat, clean and write.