Tag Archives: Mindful

by

My slow path to introversion

My Dad moved us all the time.  I went to five elementary schools.  I think that there were a total of 13 different rentals that we lived in prior to buying our house, and in a universal sick thing, my brother was killed after we had lived in the house that was bought just a bit over a year.  I think that everyone’s childhood is a bit messed up, so I don’t think that I have the corner market, but I sure have changed now that I’m middle aged.

My son asked me last night how many years I have left, and having seen a Vedic Astrologer in 2008, I just told him that number and then I realized that I have fewer left than I’ve had.  I have changed the basic structure of my personality too, which certainly gives me pause.  I’ve also become less dominant in general.

I had to make new friends all the time.  So, I talked to everyone, but I also listened.  I developed the persona that I could talk to anyone, and I did.  I think that this particular trait came in handy especially when I was selling software or CDs.  (I loved that job at the record store.)  I participated in class, I did forensics, I sought some leadership positions, and in college, I realized that I was only a mediocre actor, so I began *attending* the theater instead of trying out.  I figured, at the time, that was my litmus test.  I was truly an extrovert, because I wasn’t a good actor.  It was interesting to me that contrary to most popular beliefs, actors are introverted.

I was talking with my partner last weekend after I did the announcements at church.  I stumbled a bit in the earlier morning service and found the crowded 11:00 am service much easier.  She figured it was practice effects, and I told her that while that was true, much of it was crowd size.  Larger group, easier for me to feel less pressure and intimacy.

So, that’s it.  I was terrified of deep intimacy and being isolated.  I moved to a minuscule town in the midwest for my first grad degree and if I didn’t teach that day and participate in class, I heard no human voice, as those were the days of calling cards and land lines for long distance.  I got much better at being alone, and then I got really good at being alone when I booted out my ex-husband, had my coming out affair, and many friends stopped interacting with me.  These days, I talk to a new person if I have to, but mostly I work.  On nights like last night, I miss the lanky swell of my partner’s body in our bed.  I can connect deeply, openly, and honestly with her.  But, that’s about all that I want, because I don’t want an entourage, but seek things that help my family be solid and happy.

by

Nebulous and flowing

I talked with my friend who facilitated my being able to be with my girlfriend.  My artist.  She says that she is my sherpa, and I don’t get that.  I don’t know why she says that she is my nomadic, mountain woman.  I will tell you that I miss her eyes, touch and laugh right now sitting on my couch sipping a beer.

I was smoking pissed and hurt with this same friend when she cancelled on my artist and I a month ago and then sent me mean texts that remind me of my ex.  Explanation points and telling me to fuck off was not what I wanted.  That has faded.  But, I am still much more comfortable doing my own thing at my house.  I’m liking my house a lot and have cleaned up a lot of closets and the like.  I’m going to do that more today.  I don’t want to write.  I’m going to get up at 3:30 and do that tomorrow.

Right now, I want to write about what my friend (who connected my girl and I and also cancelled) said about my dreams.  She agreed that I was working through limits that I have set with friends who are on the periphery of my life, and she said something really interesting to me about the dream about my ex.  She thinks that I have finally “closed up shop” so to speak and she said that it is because I am in love with my girlfriend.  She didn’t use that metaphor, but it meant “done and done,” which is how I felt even before I hung out for a night with my artist.  She told me that the themes in the dream were of children, because my ex, if she did ever contact me again would want to appear carefree and childlike.  Well, she is NOT.  She is dark and angry.  She has passion, but the other side of that passion is fucking scary.  I can’t navigate her moods or her pawn making.  That was when I had the beginning of the emotional affair that I did.  Of course, I was talking outside and as I rounded the corner, there she was!  She was walking with her two kids.  Of course she was.

That is when I put my ex to bed.  That night, my son and I fought like crazy because he was hungry and we couldn’t find the restaurant.  While we fought, I confronted my ex on why she was forming a friendship with my cousin and her kids.  That was low, and weird.  While she would only say how it happened, I realized that there is no why with this woman.  There are only linear, sequential stories in which everyone wants to be close to her.  That’s her.  When I got to my car again, after my son and I ate, made up, wound up having a good night, and I was driving back home, I had heavy flirtation from this woman.  This interaction culminated in a two or three-day emotional affair.  That was the night that I got the goods who my ex is, laid her to rest, and realized that I could have heavy passion for another woman.

And I did.  That’s gone.  She has a beautiful voice and eyes, but I would never want anything with her.  It’s just not there.  She was my “closer” for the end of my ex.  And there she was when my friend was analyzing my dream, and telling me that I am in love with my girlfriend and that I am dreaming about her, because I was in love with her, and now my heart belongs to someone else.  Could that be true?

by

Probably just a little weird

Vivid dreams are typically unsettling.  When I was little, and I mean really little, I dreamt about knives and assailants all of the time.  They were violent and graphic; although, I can remember them, they are not worth writing in here due to the gratuity of media.  Those are best for a conversation and like many, I don’t think that I’ve had those even with my psychologist who I saw for years.  I get that I work stuff out in my dreams.

The company had taken away my car insurance.  They had raised the amount to $1000 monthly if I wanted it, and then it would have to be underwritten and approved if I was ever to get it.  A lawyer called me and said that I could no longer drive, and if I did, I would be incarcerated.  My mother was there and was signing documents, and then my ex-husband came in and said that he wanted nothing to do with it.

There are financial issues.  They are not insurmountable, but I will have to see how my business launch for side work goes this summer.  I also need to teach every term in a blended class.  That seems to be the wave of the future, and although I prefer everything being f2f, that is not the way that the world works in the wake of this economy and social shifting as a result of computers and Internet.

I think that there are people who I just don’t want to engage with.  I think that shadow aspects were explicit in this first dream.  I don’t want to be leaned on so heavily that I lose myself or have no reciprocity.  I have told three friends over the last month that I don’t want to hang out right now.  I don’t.

The other dream was real too.  I woke up and at the top of my Droid there was an icon that is typically in the window of settings in an actual camera.  It was a video camera icon and it meant that someone had sent me a video recording.  I opened it like it was a message and it went into a video shot in a pasture with fences all around.  The film quality were those muted colors from the 70s.  A little, short-haired, blond, freckled girl was jumping onto a saddled horse.  There were men in stetsons all around her who were clapping and encouraging her, and then the shot got more macro and she was riding around, but I closed it and deleted it.

It’s a good thing to not hear from or be bothered by my ex.  However, there is something energetic that I feel right now.  I don’t know what it is, but I do know that she is more moody than usual around the holidays.  I would never reach out, because I don’t want her show.  That’s what she does.  It’s a well-orchestrated performance which includes everything that you’d ever want to hear, because she is an incredible listener and also a chessmaster.  It’s so different than standard manipulation.  It’s surrounding yourself with pawns who do your bidding because you have “goods” on them or know exactly how to motivate them.  I know her deal.  However, she showed up in my dreams.

It’s all time.  It’s just waiting and seeing.  I love my girlfriend, but I can tell that I’m not in love.  I don’t know if we are building anything.  I trust that we love each other and have positive feelings for each other, but I have no clue what the next several months will entail.  I suppose it doesn’t matter.  Right now, I love her, am hopeful, am not involved or overextended in anything, and can write and go to class because she is not possessive or does she expect much time with me.  We enjoy each other when it happens.  We shall see what the ceiling is on what could be.  That could take months, but I love being with her when I can.

by

As you age

When you have a seven-year-old, a nine-year-old, and a twelve-year-old in the house together, and you have been raising an only, it has some “dynamics.”  I think that I may be dropping my son off today at his best friend’s house.  It should be my ex-husband’s weekend, but he has flu, so I don’t think that I will be able to get my normal time. Given that my boy had a lot of trouble not driving the bus with a card game, and wanted to change the rules so nobody could follow it, and really just wanted to play video games, I should take him on a long walk with our dog today and then have him read.  He is truly the quintessential only child.  I do rather wish that could change.

She ran up and kissed me and said, “Baby!” when I came in the house.  The woman who connected us was right behind me.  My girlfriend has a way of making those things just work again.  I have only been with two middle children.  I like that.  They are natural mediators.

You know how you have something in your head that doesn’t happen and it’s hard?  I just wanted her to hold me when I came in.  I asked to hug me when we were leaving and she was exhausted and I traced the top of her back, which is really beautiful and moved her hair off of it.  It’s like drinking her in when we are that close.  I also like feeling where her sit bones are against my thighs when I lay sideways and she bends her knees over my legs. Our connection is good and many times our affection is sensual and is always tender.  I was glad that we connected even if we had another girl there and our little boys.

I was supposed to see her and the little boys again today for a Halloween activity, but I don’t know if my son will cooperate.  He gets scared with costumes and has always been terrified of animatronics. I will probably just drop him off at his best friend’s house for a few hours.  He has a game today, and I’ll definitely enjoy that, but then I want some time with my girlfriend and her little boys, if that is a possibility.

I’m ready to settle down.  I wound up in a str8 marriage as a child, and continued it because I’m loyal and he was my buddy.  Then when he continued the path of anger and rage toward me, I just didn’t want that anymore.  I didn’t want to be with him, and we separated, he moved to AK, and I did the solo thing in the big house.  I sure have gotten good at keeping up with this place, and the funny thing was that it was before our son!  I would have left him then (2005), but I suddenly got pregnant and thought that we should try.

I want to put out the intention to be living with someone after I turn 40.  I want to have family, navigate situations with a few kids, and have arms around me when I wake up.  I want to nurture and connect to a woman who has my whole heart, and connects me to the world.

by

Sex

I realized that I honestly have had more of it on the whole when I have been single.  I count “single” as not living with someone.  That has been 6-years.  When I was married, I only really had steady sex for about 3-years, and then I would have to beg him and he had all kinds of issues about it, so it was really infrequent.  After I gave birth to my son, we didn’t have sex but about twice in a year, and it was bad sex.  I HATE bad sex.

I have this friend, and of course, I must note that it is not me, and I really have this friend.  She has ended every relationship except for the one that she currently ended with an affair.  I find it interesting, because I have never cheated on anyone who I have been with or I have I ever been even slightly tempted.  I told her, unsolicited via text, that my best learning and getting solid years have been my two with celibacy.  That was 2008 and has been this year (2013), but this year is hard to really count because twice I have shared a bed with an incredibly beautiful woman.

However, when we do make love it will be altering.  I doubt that it will feel like sex.  It will be a long time in coming though, because as best as I can tell, she ensures that during the week she keeps her parenting as solid as she can.  I respect that, because her little ones need that foundation, and because her teenager has only this year and next for high school.  We need to get our rhythm for our relationship anyway before that occurs.

My son got up to throw up at 3:30, so this is one night that I’m glad that I didn’t have sex, because I couldn’t have gotten up to have coffee.  That’s what I’ll do.  I will eat a little bit and then drink this pot.  Afterward, I want to get all of my clean laundry folded.  That would be difficult had I had sex all night.

In my last two relationships, I think that was the only way that I felt connected to the girls who I was with.  It was funny, because I used to be super extroverted and wanted to talk to new people and get them to tell me their story.  Now, I have heard so many sad stories, that I want those to come from one person, who I want to be my partner.  People just talk to me.  They tell me everything.   And that is how Shane, the Drunk was.  She would talk and talk and talk, and my being the very focused and good listener who I am, I would listen to her for literally hours.  I guess that finally when we were winding down, I expected sex.  Not a good pattern.  She and I had the most consistent sex of any lover who I have had to date, but we stopped kissing much.

I could kiss my current girlfriend over and over.  I would NEVER stop kissing her and I love the way that her mouth fits over mine.  I would like to see their mother, because I think that is a gene from her.  The girls don’t have their Dad’s mouth.  I like my girlfriend’s older sister a lot actually, and she has my girlfriend’s same mouth.  She is not even slightly pretty if you compare her to my girlfriend, but they have the same mouth.  She is cute and stuff, but my girlfriend is like head-turning beautiful.  It’s fun to be out and about with her because of that, actually 🙂

With my ex, we would kiss hello or goodbye and it was nice, but in bed, because she has such a show in bed, she would rarely start with kissing except when we had sex in the morning.  Mostly she did those power play and controlling things that translate into “Do me right now.”  Then the show ensued, which I’ll admit did get into my head for months, I would have sex with her, and it was consuming.  But, only in a physical way, as she completely grosses me out now, and I wonder how her ploys get people to think that she is the sexiest ever.  She really just has nice eyes.  She is way too over-developed and imbalanced in terms of her cultivated build and proportion of her body.  I got addicted to the show though, and because she was so critical of me, it was the one thing that she couldn’t criticize.  That was the only way that we connected.  So, after awhile, it was completely unsatisfying for me, and was what she just expected from me when she was ready.

I don’t know how I can be saying this, but I am saying it.  I don’t want to have sex with my girlfriend just yet.  We are not ready until we really have our dating rhythm.  I don’t want that to be the way that we connect.  I like cooking with her and cuddling with her on the couch when she is working and I am resting or reading.  I like to connect with her that way.  I also like taking walks with her and sitting outside.  I want to see if we can shop for a gas fireplace this weekend.  If I can get one that we pick out together for my back patio, that would be a good connector without sex.  Time with our sons is like that too.

I love sex.  It’s an incredibly important part of a relationship, but because I don’t want it to be the sole connector, I think that it should be more mindful.  It also shouldn’t be the sole method of connection between partners.

by

Organic Flow

If what you’ve done is a good predictor of your future behavior, I say to that, evolve with it too.  I was getting a little in over my head with my artist.  Now, it’s time to slow myself down a bit.  Monday is not that bad to wait to get together.  She is not champing at the bit to make weekend plans to me, and I would gather that because she had a long and difficult week at work–about which I know no details–that she just wants to connect and nest with her little boys.  I tried her on the phone last night and she texted that she was sorry that she missed my call and that she was making dinner.  She ended it with, “I miss you!”

We have plans for next Monday and Thursday.  So, I’m not going to obsess.  I’m going to revise Chapter 3 and I really need to run.  I may run after work tonight.  This weekend I should consult with a gardener about my lack of lawn in my backyard, since it is all cleaned up back there, and I should write like crazy.  I always have people who want to see me.  I’m not going to watch football at my cousin’s house on Sunday though, because I may not be gay.  I don’t like watching professional sports.

My workout partner said, “You lost yourself for a bit in this.  You sound solid now and MUCH better.”  Lesbian relationships are different, and mine aren’t in the Date 2: Move in, and Date 3: Get the donor ready, but they still match that intensity.  I realized that what I know of her, I could read in her book that she is editing.  It’s not the stuff of her.  Hell, I don’t even know her custody arrangement.

I know that when we are together it’s much better.  It’s connected.  It’s easy.  We have chemistry making meals together in the kitchen.  Our boys get along.  I feel really good when my head is on her left shoulder and I lay on my side and she puts her legs bent over mine and rubs my left arm.  We have magical kissing.  That’s all a pretty good start, but it’s a start.  Now it just has to flow, because you can’t bend the river.  It goes where it shall.

by

Run all you want

You can be mindful and always present with what you are doing in a relationship, but past is honestly prelude.  I have trouble with being rejected or thinking that I have been rejected.  And I will not be able to do things that resemble push and pull ever again.

I touched her hand in 2005, and I knew that I had to avoid her, but then, I was transferred.  She is a big flirt too, so we just wound up talking more and more and then I started organizing Happy Hours.  That affair developed as a progression, and we wound up sleeping together mid-October of 2007.  The first few times were just mind-blowing; although, they weren’t satisfying.  Then when she had a work karaoke party, I spent the night and it was very good.  I fell asleep next to her and slept well too.  I wanted to date her.  She was in a very different place, however, and was lukewarm on kids and never saw herself as a mother.  Now, looking back, she and I never would have worked, because we didn’t have the depth of conversation either.  I learned from her that I don’t like feeling rejected–I know that is just my perception, but I don’t like it.

She sent me an email in September of 2011 just a week after my birthday.  She had just turned 37 a month before too.  We had a connection, I think.  But, she got into her controlling patterns based on fears of me not needing her desperately–even if it was just her money–and that I would leave her.  I wouldn’t have done the latter if she hadn’t kept saying that she loved me, but love wasn’t enough.  I don’t do push and pull and I won’t.

I want to continue to laugh.  I want to snuggle and have connected conversation.  I want to have family nights and dinners.  I want to a couple of nights away a few times a year for tons of sex, dinners outside, and generally escaping for a short period.  There are things that I can’t run from, but I can certainly focus on where I’m going and what I seek.

by

Occupational Hazards

I fear the question, “What do you do?” when I’m dating a new woman.  And, I had erroneously thought that my new gf knew what I did, because I have known her for 10-years.  But she didn’t and she said, “Oh.  Wow.  What makes THAT appeal to you?”

There is a gamut of responses:

  1. What am I thinking right now?
  • I actually have no idea, because I’m not clairvoyant

2.  How fucked up are you that you went into that?

  • It’s just what I do for a living because I was interested in psychology

3.  So, do you just diagnose your friends and everyone around you?

  • No, I am not working right now, but now that you mention it, paranoia anyone?

4.  How does it not bother you?

  • In that way, I’m kinda like a guy and when I’m done with work and leave the building or office, I don’t take anything home.

5.  I could NEVER do what you do, because I could not be around people.  How do you do that?

  • I don’t hang out with anyone long who needs group 🙂

However, my career has affected my dating, and I’m not going to pretend that it hasn’t.  She and I need to talk.  She is sweet and tender and honestly would never do anything to hurt anyone or is she motivated out of cruelty.  However, because of my ex baggage, that I really need to honor, I crave consistent.  I need some ground rules around it too.  I had to call my workout partner and took a solo walk to take a picture of a tree that had probably 7 different shades of red on it, because at that point I had to clear my head.  How can something that we said on Thursday be a trigger on Monday morning?  No one is born knowing how to treat you, and when you have conflict you are equally culpable for engaging in it.

My workout partner said, “______ , you have had a really bad day, so that’s effecting the situation.  And you know stuff that is going to come up because of _____ , so you don’t have to tell that whole story, but as stuff comes up, you owe it to both of you to talk through those things so they can improve.  Don’t jump to conclusions.  Have a conversation.”

I realized that although I took two months longer than what relationship and family therapists say you should take after a relationship that because I have had no relationship, I had no idea what would be triggered in a new one.  What I mean is that I was with my ex off and on for 15-months and I didn’t kiss anyone or even seriously consider a girl for nine-months, so I just needed a new relationship to see what has affected me longterm.  I did wait more than half the time of our whole relationship, but I had to be in relationship to see what I have become.

Well, now I go to how WYSIWYG you are right away.  And that’s not it.  My artist has been naked vulnerable about who she is and what goes on for her.  It’s really my turn to tell some of that, which will include the impact of the only two times that I have been in love.  I guess that I’ll start that convo here.

by

Surprises

So, I knew that we were having dinner together on Friday, but I didn’t know that she would be staying.  I took my son out of practice, as it was running over, and went to our house–she had already arrived.  She started making out with me in my garage.  Ok, then.  Then my son and I helped her get all of her bags in the house.  She said, “It’s completely presumptuous, but I am staying the night tonight.  I have to work a little and don’t want to drive home.”  I said, “I think that is a wonderful idea.”

No shaving, no landscaping, sleepy, and after dinner and putting my son to bed, we are both sitting on my couch.  She had to work a little, so I straightened up my kitchen and took my dog for a walk.   I couldn’t believe that were going to wake up together.  When she was done with work, she read some of it to me, and I liked that a lot.  We went to the kitchen to get drinks and she kissed me and after we pulled away she said, “I don’t think we should have sex tonight,” and because I have wanted the first time to be special and we don’t really know all of our dynamics yet, I said, “I am in complete agreement.”

She cuddles a lot all night–I’m not used to sleeping close like that all night.  When we first got into bed, she did start kissing me pretty intensely and then she had her hands on the fronts of my shoulders, so I felt like I had to say, “You can touch me.” When she did she gasped and said, “You have incredible tits.”  I laughed.  That settled why I was wondering why she wasn’t feeling me up.

It has been a really long time since she has been in a relationship with a woman, and the one that she did have which lasted a year sounds like one in which she would just be moved sexually by this woman and wind up in her bed with her.  She had a non-serious bf at the time, and the other girl did too, but eventually went exclusive with him, and that result broke my artist’s heart a little.  I guess, from what I can gather, she is just ready to be in relationship with a woman.

In this case, and I told her this, I just hope that being with a girl works for her.  It’s different.  It’s emotionally complex and involves a level of intensity that seems unique.  What she has gathered is that if we just go slow, that stuff will work itself out.  I think more than that, it’s essential for me to give her space for reflection, and also just follow her lead with anything physical.

I think that’s good.  I have slept with women way too soon almost every time.  I told her before we all left the house that what seems to be building is a solid friendship.  She said, “We are.”  I actually think that it’s healthy.  Now, I do honestly want to take off every stitch of her clothing and feel her skin on mine, and kiss every part of her that is not covered by a bathing suit until I can do more, but I won’t.  I don’t really want to either; although, I fantasize about it.  I want to wait until it’s not only special, but it’s right.

by

Did I ever

It’s difficult to put into words; although, the words shall unfold as I write.  I went over with skewers of halibut buttressed between purple onions, zucchini, summer squash, and asparagus spears, and grilled caramelized apples with pineapple on the sweet skewers.  Then, of course, I made my salad.  She was simply thrilled with the food.  We talked easily and about everything, and then she looked over at me with her huge hazel eyes and said, “We have time, and when I’m with you, I want the time to slow and I just want you to know everything.  But, we really have all the time in the world.”  But, then the bomb in my soul dropped through when she said, “Two big things.  First, you know that I’m bi, right?”  I told her that until Saturday, I didn’t and that I would have been talking to her in an entirely different way had I known, and she threw back her head and laughed hard from her tummy.  I couldn’t have a table corner between us anymore.

She gave me the tour of her half of the converted school house that she lives in and I felt my body come alive on the deck.  So, we sat there in this ridiculous rain as she told me more of her story and we noticed the lines between the sides of the old school house, and she told me about the renovations.  I felt like being outside there with her was a gift, and we talked easily and openly about everything.  There was a simply huge sumac tree in front of our view separating the sides of the home–one side had industrial siding and the other was softer dark blue stucco, while much of our surroundings was natural.  We admired and looked at the end of her garden on one of the final days of summer, and took in the other trees in the background while we talked and I stroked her legs that she had laid across my lap.  We talked for an hour out there and then when she was completely vulnerable, I told her that I wanted so badly to just hold her, and not in a lawn chair.

We went into the largest room in the house and cuddled on the couch in front of the fire.  That is when awhile later she asked if I was going to kiss her.  My lips fit under hers and we have magical kissing.  After some heavy kissing wherein I kissed and bit her neck, and lay my mouth in the notch at the base of her throat, she laughed again and said, “We have sooooo much fun ahead of us.”  And we do.

I really did wait for her.  I know that we can start small and be mindful, but she is more than my girlfriend.  I waited and have found my one.

by

Bam

I just don’t have those slow, organic developments.  I don’t.  Girls and I just tend to know what we would like.  The big difference now is that after the girl from last summer and I had our thing for a second in July of 2012, and then all her lies started unraveling, I realized that I need to know someone’s friends and they have to know mine before we hook up.  That was my mistake with her, but I also think that I didn’t feel that mutual chemical bam also means something.

My artist told me via email that the only time that she saw herself looking the way she does once before, as she in the picture that was snapped by one of my hs friends at the wedding Saturday.  It was apparently when she knew that she was in love with a man who she later married and had two kids with after she could no longer hide her affection for him.  Wow.  I haven’t ever been that flattered.

Now I’ve got two days to pretend like I can easily sleep and feel stable driving dinner over to her house.  She writes like I do.  She loves music and reading.  I think that I kinda could feel that.  I have obviously looked at and been impressed with her paintings, but when my workout partner asked what I wanted, I said, “I want to snuggle under a huge, fuzzy blanket and watch movies.”  That is how I feel about her.  She is so beautiful, and definitely funny and cracks jokes, but I just want some time to share with her.

I get that chance on Thursday.  I don’t want to ask stupid things like, “What are you looking for?”  I’d rather reflect on our energy.  There is a lot of sexual energy there, but I also liked when we were laughing and joking on the back deck too.  I didn’t think that this year would end with no connection, but I had no idea that it would end with a chance to quickly fall in love.  I am ever-amazed with the beauty and the seeming lack of predictability in life.  I’ll write again on Friday morning.

by

Approach

You have to approach a summit with care and planning.  Further, you have to recognize where you were and how far that you’ve come when you climb a mountain or simply make changes in your life.

I did a hike with one of my friends yesterday that I had not done in 5-years, and it is funny that I remember the last legs of it being very different than it was.  Some of it could be in part due to the fact that I did my first summit alone.  But, who really knows why it was so different yesterday than my memory of it was. Is it because I know how to watch and go forward with planning of my next steps?  Is it because it was my first and I’ve done 13 others now?  Is it because it’s just not all that scary and I’ve gotten accustomed to making summits? I don’t know. The metaphor is good though. I certainly haven’t always been careful or have I planned everything.

I know now what I seek, based on where I’ve been, and I’m good enough on my own not to engage in something that will yield nothing for me or my son.  I realize that is a selfish interest, but I try each day to give back and approach with good will everyone who I run into so as to share the gifts that I have, and express my gratitude.

I was sitting in a salon that is new to me to get an expensive as hell haircut last Tuesday night.  I was a little tired, and the new gay male stylist (new to me!) was running late.  I didn’t want to read the article that I knew I’d have to put in my proposal by three the next day, so I was half-heartedly looking at magazines on the table next to me but had not picked up any of them.  I saw a thick dining guide for our city and the neighboring university town.  I thought of my ex partner. She abuses alcohol, but when she is not drinking or just having one or two, she is the best companion over a meal or walking around looking at art. So?  I snapped a shot of the magazine cover and emailed her.  In it told her that when I see things like that, I miss her tons.  She didn’t get back to me until a day later, but we had an authentic, well-connected, and warm series of interactions.  I think that she is still in love with me.  Although, I was never actually in love with her, I love her like a friend and still do, but I wouldn’t want to ever get involved with a woman who is addicted to anything.

That’s a lesson yielded from this now 6-year journey of being single. There are times when you just need to push through lots of pain and there are times when you just need to sit and wonder.  I’ve had little hook-ups or stints that yielded nothing but that it is possible to eventually be able to have an orgasm from someone other than who you thought was the love or your life, and it’s good to learn to make red enchillada sauce from scratch.

There may be some things that you engage in too, that don’t yield much of anything. I just am.  I know that I will have a more complete family some time in the future.  I love yesterday and am grateful for climbing, connection, loving interactions with my son, and hearing him say to one of his good friends two Moms, “We are all going out then as a family.”  That innocence and pure love makes me hopeful for what the next legs of this journey shall bring.

by

Gearing up

I’ve been climbing mountains with my time.  Now, I have to write all day and don’t know if I can join my workout partner at a fitness festival tomorrow morning, because my son has been really tired.  I don’t think that I should get him up around sunrise on a Saturday.  I can watch them, but seven-year-olds really need their sleep.

Because I have wanted to feel connected to nature, I have seen a few sunrises far from home in the last three weeks.  Additionally, I walked around the peaks of two new mountains for me, and one of which is the highest point in our state.  Also, I went back up to peaks that I had previously climbed which are adjacent.  I had done one first in 2009, and then repeated it with both of the peaks being summited in 2010, so it was cool to go back up with one of the newer friends who I have.  You really bond on a climb, and we did.  Here is how my views have been as of late:

Taking a picture doesn't really do this kind of scenery justice

Taking a picture doesn’t really do this kind of scenery justice

I am going to meet 11 new girls on Sunday.  When I was first out of my str8 marriage, I hiked with my son with some of those groups and then last summer I played kickball.  I didn’t meet anyone of lasting interest and the latter caused my to blow my right quad, which I still have some issues with when I climb or walk long distances.  (I just couldn’t NOT kick the hardest pitches from a frat boy type of asshole, so I paid.)  However, I am hopeful that this group will yield some new people to hang out with for my last few days of vacation and into my fall.

My workout partner met one of my guy friends last week.  We had a lil’ BBQ and drinks on my back patio.  She is going out on a date with him tonight.  I am also orchestrating at least one, if not two, other meet and greets with guys who I know over the next several weeks.  She had a shitty experience with a guy from our gym–he is super hot, but is a drunk–and then a very scary thing happen early in the summer with one of our colleagues.  I guess some of these meetings; although, she asked to meet my guy friends, are like big sister protection.

My ex called me early last week, and it was very odd.  She said that she wanted to know how my summer was going and then she told me about a prank that she played on her friends.  I would never do something that could potentially scare someone as a joke.  I crack them all the time, but they are never at someone’s expense unless I really have that dynamic with someone who also teases me.  I also don’t make scenes, because I don’t like directed attention unless I am speaking for my profession, but then there is that “professional distance.”  I had been introduced to my ex via an old colleague who knew my ex’s best friend.  I talked to her on the phone yesterday and I said, “I guess she wants to be my friend.”  She said quickly, “______ , she doesn’t want to be your friend.  She is obsessed with the way that things were left and that there is someone in this world who does not have a favorable impression of her.”

That was interesting.  How can you think that if you are literally constantly giving negative feedback to your girlfriend or making slights and underhanded comments to her that you will leave it well?  Are you kidding?  When I was talking to my colleague, I told her that there was nothing that I could do well either, and she would always tell me how she was good at the same things or the best at them.  Now, I do get that her athletic abilities will always surpass mine, but I don’t care.  I don’t compete against anyone, and simply want to fit my sense of things, and I don’t have standards that require me to take chances.  I have turned around without making a summit four times in five-years, and walked around several obstacles at both of my adventure races.  I don’t have a sense of myself which requires me to prove anything.  I also don’t control anyone.  I don’t have that need.

Impressions that you give others result from your interactions.  With distance, I get that had I stayed with my ex that all my behaviors would have been attempted to be controlled and that if I did something, she would have to do it better.  In fact, there were things that she simply wouldn’t try, because she didn’t do them perfectly.  Last year my birthday trip required about a mile-and-a-half of steep hiking.  I climb up four to ten times that amount of distance and at much more pronounced levels of elevation gain as a hobby, so it felt like nothing even with camping gear.  One of her friends said, “Wow, ______ , you are just bombing up there.”  It was only until recently that I realized that is probably why she flatly refused to hike with me, and that is because it’s something that I do more, so I can do it.  Wow.

She can call me.  I’ll probably answer her calls if I’m not doing anything.  I won’t call her.  I won’t interact with her by choice either.  I made my peace with thanking her for the four things that she imparted to me.  I will not romanticize what is only a good show that lasted three-months and then the year-long fallout, which resulted as I actually began to know who she was and how she shows up in the world.

I can be persnickety.  I am not overly friendly with new people; although, I am helpful.  Even as an extrovert, I watch and observe before I make decisions.  I also like things that I do a certain way–especially food.  There have been times in my life that I have been attracted to toxic people.  They will join with you when you are feeling badly, but now I want to seek out positive interactions.  I don’t want to be around any poison.  I am looking forward to meeting some positive girls tomorrow and connecting to new people in a slow, organic way.  I’m done with extremity and fervor.

by

Contemplation

It’s good.  It took nearly seven-months, but I am really over my ex and don’t want to seek out anything at all.  My workout partner asked if she knows that my sermon is tomorrow.  I said, “I think so.”  I would be really shocked if she came.  It’s too vulnerable for her to do so, and I’m sure that she knows that many of my good friends will be there.  It’s also not on her terms or is it something that she can control.  She started our relationship with a power differential based on a phrase in an email that wasn’t there.  So, she would make mean or simply teasingly sarcastic comments about it and who it made me out to be, so when I finally fell out of love with her, that kind of stuff was all that remained.

We had a handful of fun and funny moments and that was it.  She doesn’t even make me laugh when we do talk now, and things that I have written about her or even to her involved an energy shift that made it so I could detail why we just didn’t work and don’t show up the same in this world.  I don’t want to control or criticize anyone, and I don’t care who does something better than me.  Talents and strengths are as individual as anything else that make up a human.

I have gone over my sermon about five-times.  Tomorrow morning, I need to sit with the guy who does all the visuals for the service so I can underline my cues in my script that I wrote.  I don’t want to have a missed cue for him.  I added a picture of my brother to the slides yesterday, so I already feel badly about changing that.  It’s one that should be there though, because he is standing alone on a porch and looks contemplative.

The only thing that I’d really like to ensure before Boot Camp today is to have what I’m going to say after the pop song is sung is completely memorized.  I don’t want to have my notes around for that.  I’d rather just take them up when I start my message.  It’s not much information and I added some stuff that is more mindful than it is religious to mine.  I will just get that committed to memory, so I can look at the congregation while I say it.  I think that I don’t really look too much at my notes anyway while I’m speaking, so it shouldn’t be a problem.

A friend of mine from church who is transgendered and I met at a park n ride in the foothills before sunrise on Wednesday morning.  It was obvious when we got close to the trailhead that we 1) travel well together, and 2) are probably going to be friends.  We couldn’t find the road to get to the trail.  I think that it turned out that we didn’t drive far enough west initially, but she knew the roads fairly well there, so we started bumping around forrest roads until we ran into a locked gate.  We got out and hiked the forrest road and shortly thereafter found a tree over the road.  That explained the gate.

After a few miles, we found the section of the trail system, which connects the mountain ranges in our state with over 500-miles of trails.  Someday it would be neat to backpack and camp sections of it with my son.  I’d like that.  It was good to be on trail, but it was steep.  Finally after some huge grade scaling, we saw a sign that said the mountain name on it with the height and pointed a directional arrow.  We embraced.  We wound up summiting three times total, because we hiked the south ridge line and some loose scree drove me nuts and caused me to cancel my rock climbing lesson.  I just think that I’m less of a climber, because I’m not an extreme person.  The summit was beautiful.  My friend is a professional photographer, so she posted incredible pictures.

That’s where I am.  I get there, but I don’t often follow the trail and there are times in which I simply can’t find it.  It doesn’t matter, because it’s those bumps that really involve the learning and confidence-building for me.

by

Working

I have been working way too much this week.  It will reach 60-hours.  I finish up my class on Sunday.  So, today in between some house repairs, running a carpet cleaner at my parent’s house, and paying some bills, I have got to go to the university to computer score two personality inventories, and I still have to write three reports.

I was child-free last night after my son’s game and meeting with my pastor about my sermon next Sunday, but I couldn’t go out.  My son brought home a simply hideous virus that is mostly just in my throat now, but there was a period of time that I had eaten two granola bars and quinoa salad; although, it’d been over two days.  Although I have hardwoods, I didn’t want to do what my son had done on the carpet at my parent’s house.  It’s been a helluva week.

I think that things are shifting for me though.  I would like to go out tonight and have a glass of wine.  I had to cancel my outdoor rock climbing class on Saturday because I’ve been too sick.  I have a beer festival though.  🙂  I’ll need to print those tickets tomorrow morning too.  I don’t have a client until 10. I told my roommate, who is NEVER home, that I don’t date anymore, but I pair down.  What I do is hang out, work out, go to my friend’s houses for dinner and such, or just meet other’s friends and kick around.  It’s like information mining.  Only my friends know that I’m ready to settle down.  Organic is my approach, and the last few girls have been easily eliminated as possible love interests after a little data gathering.

Shane was supposed to call my son last night, but I didn’t turn out having him.  I moved it until next Tuesday.  So, she’s been “going to call him” since January, and it’s going to be July.  Nice.  It’s more odd to me that she affects this close relationship fantasy.  She spent two weekends and two sustained weeks with him 2.5-years ago.  And the latter killed her.  She cried, she raged, she wouldn’t have sex with me for 6-days, and of course, she drank like a fish.  But, I always say, and I mean this statement, “People are doing the best with what they got.”  She can jump out of airplanes, but she doesn’t have 24-7 resolve to parent.  She can be an aunt who drops in and out.

I think that I mentioned that I had a good conversation with Bette.  I think that she will get to a point in the next two years when she can really start to address her moods.  She still says that now that she has had a year’s space from her grief that she is doing well, but in a same breath she can scratch the surface with the hurt that she has over her two older kids who don’t talk to her anymore.  I think that those demons will have to be addressed, and if I had to bet, I’d say that they will be in time.  That’s her journey though.

I’ve been writing about my brother.  He’d be thirty this year…  I can remember a lot of things about him, and always wonder what he’d be like now.  It’s a story that I’ve never really told in total, and now I’ll be telling it to a handful of people who I know, and others who are part of my church, the whole story.  It’s an exercise in being vulnerable.  That is good for me.  I’m on a track that is doing the best with what I got.

by

Much improved

Monday pretty much sucked.  I also had a potassium fall and my left bicep was twitching all to hell.  I just have determined that no one should be electrocuted.  Very glad that I finished the event on Saturday night, but won’t do it again.  I like our little local 5-mile adventure race, and now that I know what to expect, I want to get a good time on that one next year.  No electric shocks and not running up blacks (ski hill) = more manageable.

Tuesday I actually even got a little work done.  Had some need to text Bette because I finished that race well.  So, now I’m going to have to write two more reports and then go to the art supply store for work tonight.  Wish that I would have slept more, but not really complaining.

I’m in my 4th month of continuing not to date.  I have been completely celibate for six-months as of Saturday when I did the race challenge.  I think that NOT dating takes up less energy and when you have a little flirtation mixed with possibility for fun hang outs.  It yields that you don’t have very much expectation.  I took a walk with my cycling partner yesterday, and I told her that I have no idea what Scrubs and I are doing.  I also reiterated to her that she needs to find out what she’s doing with her ex before I would even consider kissing her.  I am teaching her how to complete my Day A weights on Thursday.  I look forward to hugging her.

Lez Children must be avoided.  Pride Sunday was really strange and I told my workout partner that I felt like I was in a throwback to five-years ago when I was newly out.  I just don’t do well drinking all day, and it frankly reminds me of my relationship with Shane as well.  Not enough goals and things that make you happy, imho, if you prefer to pound alcohol the ENTIRE day.

I haven’t had a summit yet.  I would like to get one of those one.  I think that I want to plan a climb on July 3rd.  I’m not even sure which one yet.  I’ve only done eleven and think that if I can fine jumping off platforms, I can increase exposure.

I have only Bette to thank for this level of fitness, so I did so.  Then she said that she wanted to send me pictures of her race, and I said no thanks.  She sent me some school stuff from her son.  I do miss him.  He is a cool kid.

Pre-screening is the only thing that I will do while I am NOT dating.  I don’t want to get involved with a woman in anyway that’s physical unless I really know her.  Then you can ignore things under the pretense of “getting to know you,” because you are already getting o’s and all the dopamine.  No more of that for me.  It may mean that I’m single for a year or two, and that is just fine by me.  I don’t want to gamble or be an ex collector.

by

Remember

I went out last night and bullshitted with the bartenders and talked to one girl at length.  She was super butch, but funny and smart.  I enjoyed myself, went to the car with a spring in my step, and talked to my workout partner and then slept like a baby.  I have a job interview in just over an hour, so I need to pop in the car and then head up there.  One of the bartenders knew where I was interviewing, because his father used to work there.  I don’t subscribe to or endorse coincidences, so I thought that was cool.

There was a time a few short years ago when I’d leave the lesbo bar and would feel so badly.  I hated the way that I felt.  I believe now that most of it was because I thought that I should be with someone.  The thing is that I met Shane in a bar four-years ago on June 19th, and that yielded a summer of fun and then all kinds of weirdness after she fell in love with me, and I convinced myself that I should make something work.  Why make something work?  Those efforts are for 3-5 years down the road when stuff hits and you have to navigate it.

For argument’s sake let’s say that there was a super fit, light-eyed girl who was single who sat with me last night and we chatted.  We can go farther and say that she got my number.  I’d still be who I am now.  It would have been exciting and interesting, but I’d have figured that perhaps she was pissed at her girlfriend and went to the bar to make her jealous.  I also would have told her that we should meet for a bike ride sometime in the the next month.

Bette was so important to me for close to a year.  When she started her stuff of breaking up with me, and then really needing to sleep with me, and then engaging in fights with me, and then calling me or showing up to make plans for sex, I just kinda let my heart die.  That’s not the kind of love that I want.  It sounds a lot more like a relationship sponsored by the sensationalist and fear-based media in which anxiety prays on what I would lose without her, or how alone I would be if we didn’t talk.  I’m alone.  No one texts or pursues me.  I’m fine.  In fact, I know that girls who I know don’t contact me because they are not the right girl for me, or am I for them.

It’s good to come home and talk to a dear friend and go to sleep.  This friend of mine only gives advice when I ask, and we know many deep, dark secrets about each other.  I would never let those go in one direction.  I don’t fire questions at someone to get data, so I have a way to keep them needing me.  There is a genuine, open, and honest experience with others.  It’s authentic. That’s the path that I walk.

by

Game Day

So, it’s nearly here.  My five-mile.  Given that I had done my B weights late at night last night, I was sleeping soundly when I got a wrong number at 12:30.  Arg!  Maybe it was divine intervention, but it still made me mad as I was sleeping so well.  I’m groggy right now, and pounding coffee having dropped off my son at school.

Gonna run our dog a little.  She is very hard to run because she is a boxer mix and does a lot of weird furtive movements.  Right now because I’m in a tank and running shorts, she jumps sideways and wags her whole booty when I get up to get coffee and the like.  I was told that she is also German Shepherd–she is very beautiful–but whatever her other half is, makes her FAST.  It is hard to run her.  She outruns all the dogs even at a packed dog park.

It’s cold.  I like it.  I didn’t like biking to the reservoir with my new cycling partner yesterday given the headwinds.  The 21-miles was agony.  Like always though, I’m glad that I do that stuff.  This weather is great for running.  I hope that I feel that way after my 5-mile Saturday!  I was dreaming about my cycling partner when I got the two wrong number calls after midnight.  That doesn’t matter much because she is a str8 girl, and I love her bf.  I just think that I’m ready to sleep with someone, but I won’t do it because I don’t want more of the same.  Sex complicates everything and I want to enter into dating mindfully the next time through and don’t care when the next time through is.  I kinda want to see my psychologist.  I should see if she has had any cancellations today.

I got the most disingenuous text from lonely girl on Wednesday.  I wanted her to bring her daughter to an activity that is unique at my current clinical site.  I’ll be taking girls back there who are clients next week, so I wanted a dry run of the equipment.  The artist is really fun to hang out with as well.  It was cool because the kids got to make art, but it turned out only to be my son.  No biggie.  He loved it.

Lonely girl wanted to reschedule for Thursday, as she didn’t have her daughter much this week.  When I said that joint custody must be lonely–given that I miss my son by Saturday night on my non-weekends–as I’m used to full custody, she promptly followed-up with why that is not true and how her life has perfect balance.  I found it so lacking in normal vulnerability.  When I told my cycling partner about it yesterday, she said, “Maybe she just wants to be perfect.”  I let my workout partner read it and she laughed hard and said, “Wow!  That’s arrogant!”  She continued to laugh and I probed her a bit, and she said, “Really?  That makes it sound like she wants for NOTHING in her life.”  I said that is probably not accurate, because only last month she was asking me questions about how you meet girls. But, then she said, “I think that she is selling herself as perfect and that her life is one that we all should aspire to because she has EVERYTHING that she needs–enough friends, enough workout time, just everything and doesn’t need anyone.”  Either way, I didn’t like the candor.  I’m not going to make any plans with her unless she sets something up.  There is imbalance about her, and she seems really weird.

I’m hoping to have some new adventures to blog here at some point, but whenever that shall be, will be.  I have a new blog that I’m keeping up with well, and I use my identity as it details some aspects of my clinical work.  I like to write there too, but look forward to someday having some sexy stuff again.  Right now is not the time.  Time to run our dog.  I’m grateful for friends, cool weather, a workable schedule, and our house.  It’s not that I want for nothing and that I think I’m perfect.  I’m simply really good where I am, and trust my journey.  I hope that all who make my day by interacting with me here, enjoy their weekends.

by

Zeitgeist

There was another natural disaster that killed 24 people this week in the US.  It left a lot of debris and devastation.  Like many people, when weather tragedies occur, I wind up thinking about wars, because they are tragic too; although, entirely human made.  I’m thinking of those families and will do so in church.  For some reason, I don’t talk about war or weather extremities with my son, and he doesn’t ask.  I guess not having a tv with reception does shield him from scary thoughts in his seven-year-old head. Anyway, I wanted to reflect on tragedies a little this morning, and thank people going into this long weekend.

My Dad is a Vet.  He didn’t see combat, but he decoded conversations which were intercepted.  He doesn’t speak Vietnamese, but it was easy for him to pick up German in school and he spoke it well enough to transcribe phone conversations.  He can’t really hear much now though.  That’s ok though, because he doesn’t really like people.  I know that he likes his grandson though.

I thought that I should say thanks before we come up on a weekend–and mine is actually a four-day one–to people who believe in God and country.  I know that I don’t have those kind of convictions, but I do think that there are many people who don’t see things as I do and believe in this type of service.  That’s following your passion.  Now, I will tell you that my heart skips a little beat when some of my more concrete high school kids who I know enlist, because they will not test as officer material and will probably be on the front lines in various imperialistic and capitalistic ventures.  Scary.  I don’t like dwelling much there tbh.  May God and well wishers keep them.

I read a post today, which was old, but was surprised that my opinion was not included in the 60 comments.  I know that I’m weird.  Some of my odd approach is the courtesy of dear old Dad, but I was actually shocked to not see anyone elude to what I think is behind many slow recoveries after a national disaster.  The writer wrote about the earthquake in Haiti, which I knew killed hundreds of thousands of people.  I knew too that it killed people who were indigenous to the island.  They are extremely poor.  The irony is that the hotels on that island are apparently unparalleled.  Scary contrast, but much like the way of the world.

My Dad is a Marxist.  I think that posting something like that could cause an onslaught of rage.  Socialism and Communism are threatening topics about which to blog.  People have in their heads that the country China is Communist, but it’s actually an Oligarchy of rigid control.  Anyway, the purpose of this post is that I’m really just thanking little people who follow their passions, and people who have deep convictions to serve an entire country.  Thank you for your beliefs.  Thank you for your commitment.  And with Father’s Day coming up very soon, thanks to my Dad for always making me think.

by

Tanked

I probably got six-hours worth of sleep.  The light comes in so strongly in the morning.  I got up, had some coffee and then went to my Boss’ Boot Camp, and it was brutal because it was on asphalt.  Our Boot Camp is on grass and trail when we do it outside.  I didn’t even bear crawl because I didn’t want to tear up my hands.  So suburban…  Crawling in a dusty parking lot in between traffic cones.  But, hell, I wear my gloves so my callouses are smaller on the palms of my hands where my fingers start, so I’m not going to tear them up on asphalt.  I did 26-minutes of cardio stations though with no rest and did manage to cut my wrist, forearm, and bicep flipping the tractor tire at one station.  Butch moment 🙂

I rode my bike with my colleague again, but we didn’t go all the way to the reservoir today.  We rode an hour, and then my client was a no-show, which stunk.  I shopped for books for graduation presents.  I love book stores.  This one used to be on the trail from my house and now it’s more downtown, but I love it so much.  Although I cannot afford it, I bought Brene Brown’s new book, and think that I’m going to stay home to read it.  I’m supposed to go to another graduation party, but the one for my intern really wore me out.  Tons of exercise and oddly in my old age, I’m becoming more introverted and don’t want to make idle conversation with former students.  I like one of them quite a lot, but I’d rather just send her the book and card.  Laying on my couch and typing feels really good.

Earlier this evening, I thought that I would go to the bar, but I don’t want to now.  I’m so happy here at home.  I told my workout partner who accompanied me to my intern’s graduation party that I know that a girl is not going to knock on my door tonight, but I’m not willing to disrupt my happiness right now.  That’s what I’ve come to.  I’m happily tanked from Boot Camp, a bike ride, a few errands, and one party.  That’s enough.  I don’t want to seek much of anything right now or do I want to explain why I drank three beers late afternoon and talked and laughed, or that I ate two big plates of pasta.  I think that it would take a really special girl for me to disrupt what I’m doing and what I seriously enjoy.

by

Shift

So, of course Shane would send my son a package yesterday.

One of my clients got called into her job last night, and another one moved her session, so I decided to move my on-going family who I will be referring out to a couple of providers to late afternoon tomorrow.  Last night, I ate dinner WITH my son–he only saved me half of a biscuit though–and talked at length.  We walked our dog, cuddled, and seemed really connected.  He is awake now, because our dog already busted in his room, but I am staying home with him until his father picks him up for the weekend.  My son’s school has a planning day for teachers and so there are no classes.

I had a good shift today.  I think that because lonely girl has been contacting me and she is really pretty, I was thinking about an FB again.  She is a quick bike ride away.  However, it is not good to sleep with someone who you know has done shady things which have resulted in losing friends.  That is pretty complicated sex.

Shane and I had the uncomplicated thing for a summer.  When she told me around Labor Day that because she had been sleeping with one of the girls from work for 7-months, that when she said that they should be exclusive so she just agreed, I was like, “Peace out.”  This was four-years ago.  She was shocked.  I think that I meant more to her than 1) I had thought, and 2) She meant to me.  I never contacted her again, and we reconnected four-months later on NYD.  At that time, I figured that I maybe meant a lot to her, and it was flattering.  That’s really all lonely girl is.  It’s flattering, but it needn’t go down the sex road.  So, it won’t.

The funny thing about roads that you travel is that they can become circuituous.  I don’t want to circle back to an FB.  I do think that lonely girl will either put the moves on me or proposition me for sex, but I can just go home.  I had an FB last summer when my ex and I were on a summer hiatus, and I just don’t want one.  Even if the new prospect is super gainfully employed and independent.  It means a lot to me that the women who I met that she hung out with over a year ago don’t speak to her now.  Begs the question…  What did you do?  I know that lesbians are cliquey, but damn.

I’m fine with friendships with lots of different people.  My father had us move about 13-times as I grew up.  I was in 7th grade when we bought a house and stayed, and that stability lasted a year wherein my brother was killed and I was seriously injured.  I knew mobility and then debilitating loss.  Those were my frame of reference for my first 14-years.  It was my journey though.

The lessons from that is that I can easily make friends, but that it is more difficult for me to give myself away.  I’ve gotten really good at the latter over the last six-years.  I can tell new people my story, because I have worked through it.  The biggest shift for me is that I know it’s critical to be vulnerable when you are making a close friendship and that it is a foundational attribute when you are with a partner.

I was vulnerable with my coming out affair, Shane, and then really very much so with my ex.  That is where I am.  I’m ready not for an FB, a conversion of FB to a gf, or a woman who flips and flops and never really settles on committing to me.  I’m shifting for being ready for that real thing whenever the time is right, and it will be with a woman who I know well and have already spent lots of time hanging and connecting.

Video by

Change

I know that I will just be meeting girls this summer and hanging out.  I get how to do that and how it’s different than 1) taking a girl home from a bar, or 2) emailing someone so different than any woman than you’ve been exposed to previously, and getting caught up in the elixir of passion.  I can do that.

However, I don’t know what to do about work.  I need to talk with the state regulatory board today and see what supervisors would have to fill-out when they sign off on my work.  I think that I would like to talk to the professor who has been mentoring me.  I talked with a licensed clinical social worker on Saturday and she told me that licensing boards are actually more interested that your supervisors actually work where they supervise you so that they understand the system.  She said that it’s less about the hours that they work and more about if they have adequate knowledge of the system.  I still think that I’m gambling though.  I can’t really do that.

Part of me wants to stay so I can more accurately control the gathering of my data.  That has to take place in August, which is both scary and sad.  I do have a phone appointment with the boss of this department on Wednesday so I can talk to her.

Again, I need to speak with the manager of our dual diagnosis program too, because I need some more experience that is purely clinical.  I think that given that I’m 2/3 done with practicum that I get community mental health, but I would like to see a different day treatment.  I am familiar with this setting given that I tested for it 2004 – 2007 and worked in one up until I moved most recently (2010).  However, I think that ours, given that it contracts with a large mental health corporation, is run differently than ones that don’t have that component.  I need to talk to him this week too.

I don’t know how I feel about the new setting.  When I screened, it seemed like the boss was just neutral.  I think that many administrators are that way.  Then it’s getting used to a brand new set of rules and two new buildings.  That is a lot to deal with, but I certainly have done it before.  It’s been since 2009 that I really thought seriously about moving, and then did at the very beginning of 2010.

I AM SCARED.  I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I am here… Again.

by

Inspiration

I’m ok.  Really I am.  I can remember feeling just like this late summer and early fall of 2008, and then when 2009 rolled around I dated three different women within six-months.  I was ferreting out what I wanted during that time.  It’s odd that I wound up spending so long after that with the same woman.  I’m glad to say that I didn’t do that in my recent ex’s holding pattern.  I could have stayed with her too if I hadn’t told her that I couldn’t approximate dating because of the way that it makes me feel…  So here I am four and a half months later, with few answers, but feeling like I put a hard stop on things that I really couldn’t tolerate.

Even if you are within the worse days of your life, it’s not ok to put someone down all the time or is it to make complaints about them.  My shortcomings wound up being mostly what we were conversing about when we finally did see each other.  That and flying off the handle got really old.  The chess board is on a shelf and there won’t be any moves anymore, and that’s fine with me.  I left it at that I agree that we don’t communicate the same, and that we CERTAINLY don’t fight the same.

One of my buddies came to dinner last night, and she spent the night in our basement.  She has been my friend for five-years.  She was in a fairly dark place last night and had actually cried at work, so she was especially vulnerable.  Her relationship is starting the bumpy cycle.  I actually don’t care for her gf much.  She does that competitive conversation thing and she also is completely self-involved.  My friend has put up with the latter a whole bunch.  Apparently, she gets sick quite a bit when she is stressed and then has been blaming it on my friend.  To me, they just don’t sound all that compatible, but the other thing is that you are responsible for your reactions to other people.  Blaming stuff on others is just a way to lack accountability for your part in things.  I think that because my friend loves her, that she probably will just put up with it, but that’s not what I want for me.  I told her, “I just wish that she listened to you, and that she didn’t seem to take you for granted.”  I know that now I will have a roommate for a year.  She is not going to move in with her gf anytime soon.  That’s cool.  I can use the money.

Remember when Tom Cruise’s character agrees with his love interest that he is just looking to be inspired?  I can inspire myself, but I’m looking for a girl who finds inspiration in a hike, a beer on the porch, listening to a song while talking, and hanging out after dinner before putting the dishes away.  I just want to connect with someone around those simple things and enjoy those moments.  I’m looking for a woman who is secure enough with herself, how she presents, and what she wants so that she can connect to me, and eventually, my son.

by

4

I like Astrology.  I don’t have much use for anything past an ascendent, but I think Sun, Moon, and Ascendent are cool, and of course, I do think about Venus placement right now too, but I don’t think much of the other planets in daily stuff.  Anyway, in the summer time when my ex was planning her coup (Meaning that she was ready to sleep with me after a three month hiatus.) she said that her soul number was 9 and that mine was probably 9 too based on Astrology and bday and stuff.  It’s not. It’s 4.  Apparently, you get along best with your soul number when it’s the same or if you’re even, being with another even number.

I had some weird stuff transpire on Tuesday and a friend of mine gave me some immediate feedback.  In the end, she had seen a sign off of a road with the word, “Fair” on it, and the first date of the fair was her Mom’s bday, and the second date of the fair was the day that she was in surgery to save her Mom’s life. (Her mother did not live.)  Later she sent me a HeyTell at 4:44 having no idea that 4 is my number and said that she was thinking of that sign “Fair” and that she was between two cars.  One was 444 in the number section, which her Mom always said is an angelic number, and the one behind her was 999.  So, I don’t think that it is time to do the “friends” card with my ex.  Some day, maybe, but right now I just don’t want any of her energy and definitely not her non-emotional, rational, and combative self that she is championing at this point in time.  She is on her own path.

So, I had an incredible day yesterday.  I had to confront a colleague about her insensitivity and general lack of professionalism.  I had to give a parent a good news, bad news scenario about her 11-year-old in terms of ability and possible diagnosis.  My client who really needs to (by her own admission) stay consistent with her counseling just skipped session without so much as a text.  And, I ran a 5K on the treadmill.  My heart rate average was 160 as well.  I also was able to talk to my workout partner for the duration, so I have built up some endurance.  I would like to run outside on Sunday, so I’m going to with her.  I have not ever done pavement–well, not since 6th grade.  Our family 5K is next Sunday.  Our dog is so crazy that I’ll have to get in a zen place with her darting and beg the nature Gods not to put a rabbit in our path.

It sure is rare to be a licensed psychologist in the area where I work.  I’ll probably have to leave, which is just part of my journey.  It’s inconvenient, and will involve probably my getting on the road thirty minutes earlier than I do now, which will be challenging for my son, but I think that it’s time for me to move on to a place where I can get settled.  I also have to complete this doc, so it’s the last step.  I will need to stay put though, if they complete my training.  That sounds like I’m becoming a Jedi…  I wonder what Yoda’s soul number was?

by

Leave the fear

I am going to do some vertical climbing.  I’ve never done it, and am very scared of heights, but it’s guided and was only $50.  I have to wrap my brain around it, but I just don’t believe in living with fear.  I started climbing mountains in 2008, and I have done some ledges and the like in addition to being on all fours when it gets steep, but I have not done vertical….  Yet.

I was driving up a forest road in my old Accord in 2008–it’s actually a very nice car, but I had to give it to my ex out of fairness–and parts of this road were missing at the time.  People kept turning around and I was like, “Nah.”  So I did this weird maneuver around the side of the ditch and then swung the wheel 180-degrees, but I dented the shit out of my oil pan.  It’s not like when you do something like that you can exactly turn around, so I just bombed up, but my car was smoking and lead to my having to repair it later.  The roads were turning from private, to missing, to zoned for parks, to National Forest Roads, so when there was a switchback later and a little driveway, I just turned around.  It was 5:45 in the morning.

I wound up driving around an old mining site and to a paved road, and finally parking low in a pass area.  That is how I completed my first summit, and I did it solo.  It was a much more difficult mountain in terms of technicality at the end and hugging a sawtooth and some scree when you would wind up a bit off trail, but I did it, and I did it completely on my own.  The latter was kinda stupid, so I did wind up climbing with another person after my first summit.

I think that is interesting, because I’m actually terrified of heights, but that’s the whole thing… I don’t believe in being hobbled by our fears.  People say trite stuff like “Face your fears,” but more than that is examining what you can do to pass through them.  I don’t think that when you live somewhere as beautiful as I always have with the exception of when I was in undergrad and my first round of grad school that you should let things that make you anxious rule you.  So, I just don’t.

I have given away my heart and been nakedly vulnerable.  I have completed 11-summits.  I have paddled down a strange river through tree roots and under swampy trees and weird spiders.  I have hung onto the back of a girl on motorcycles and jet skis.  These are not my comfort zones, but I have changed as a result of engaging in these activities.

So, now, in June, I’m going to climb some verticals with equipment.  Ultimately, I will be glad that I tried it.  Face what terrifies you.

I think that the path to being whole is truly being authentic and honest with yourself.  That is so easy to say, but really difficult to work through when you examine and then change.  With being vulnerable and naked with your emotions, it is worth the gamble, because you just change.  I think that when I give the sermon, I would like that to be a thematic tie.  I need to take a peek at my readings and face that fear too.  I speak in public all the time, but don’t have to talk about things that I’m not deep in understanding or require me to connect to my experiences.  But, that is the whole approach to being spiritual right?  It’s not dogmatic, sanctimonious, or does it suggest that one way is right.  It’s scary, but I want to face it like my vertical that is coming up too.