You can be mindful and always present with what you are doing in a relationship, but past is honestly prelude. I have trouble with being rejected or thinking that I have been rejected. And I will not be able to do things that resemble push and pull ever again.
I touched her hand in 2005, and I knew that I had to avoid her, but then, I was transferred. She is a big flirt too, so we just wound up talking more and more and then I started organizing Happy Hours. That affair developed as a progression, and we wound up sleeping together mid-October of 2007. The first few times were just mind-blowing; although, they weren’t satisfying. Then when she had a work karaoke party, I spent the night and it was very good. I fell asleep next to her and slept well too. I wanted to date her. She was in a very different place, however, and was lukewarm on kids and never saw herself as a mother. Now, looking back, she and I never would have worked, because we didn’t have the depth of conversation either. I learned from her that I don’t like feeling rejected–I know that is just my perception, but I don’t like it.
She sent me an email in September of 2011 just a week after my birthday. She had just turned 37 a month before too. We had a connection, I think. But, she got into her controlling patterns based on fears of me not needing her desperately–even if it was just her money–and that I would leave her. I wouldn’t have done the latter if she hadn’t kept saying that she loved me, but love wasn’t enough. I don’t do push and pull and I won’t.
I want to continue to laugh. I want to snuggle and have connected conversation. I want to have family nights and dinners. I want to a couple of nights away a few times a year for tons of sex, dinners outside, and generally escaping for a short period. There are things that I can’t run from, but I can certainly focus on where I’m going and what I seek.