I want to meet up with one of my friend’s best friends, but she is another mother (dammit) so that makes scheduling a complete nightmare. I want to grab a couple of beers with her and sit across the table with her and if I can feel it, I want to go on a long hike with her, and then, we shall see. I love sequences and rules. I have arrived at what will work for me, and know that these kind of things don’t work for everybody, but I wanted to write about what I have learned.
My new set came about in 2010 when I started having SERIOUS reservations about going exclusive with the girl I met in the bar in 2009 who turned out to be a complete alcoholic. I kept asking her if she really believed that your FB or one-night stand could actually become your gf? Maybe for a lot of girls, the answer is “Yes,” but mine filled me with such caution and I guess that I never fully believed if she had not moved that she would have kept our psuedo relationship open, and including the bi-curious str8 girl who she worked with. I knew, definitively, that we would never be long-termers when my son and I tried to spend two weeks with her over Christmas. At that point, I told my best friend from grad school that she and I just couldn’t ever be compatible. The catches with her were the trips and plane tickets already bought and paid for in 2011. I kept seeing her, and knew that I shouldn’t. I talked to her about our shelf life all the time too, but that was dangerous to do with a drunk.
I realized that the way that you start out with a girl really does matter. This particular ex used to tell me all the time, “Don’t fall in love with me,” and I never did. I did begin to love her, but I feel love toward good friends as well. It was terrible that she fell in love with me, because then she told me that I was her key to a stable and full life. At that point, I was beginning my personal financial issues, and associated problems so she told me everything that I wanted to hear. I was convinced. For a time period anyway.
Now, I know, Lesson #1 The way that you begin a relationship, will be the way that the relationship ends
When I turned 37, I was so glad to be completely free of her, and had a plan when I would fly in October to the state where she now lived, and was thrilled that my best friend from grad school would pick me up. I was on top of the world late that September. So wonderful was it to be completely single, and I also found a church that I love and continue to go to. I figured that my next gf would grow from connections with those in my church community; however, upon reflecting on that idea, I realize that the congregation is too much older than me, and is also full of gay men, so that’s pretty unlikely. I never expected to go to a BBQ and meet my most recent ex’s best friend. It had only been about ten-days since I last slept with my ex when I exchanged emails with my most recent ex. Honestly, I had sex several times with the drunk because I am pragmatic, and I figured that I would enter a long dry spell. It turned out to be no dry spell and insta-relationship. She seemed so different than the drunk that it just “felt right,” and as a consequence, I learned another big lesson.
Lesson #2 No matter how right a girl feels, you need to know her and hang out for awhile before sex
And after all, she is a top sales and marketing professional. Those kind of folks live and breathe “closing deals,” “showing a side that appeals to others,” and “talking in ways that ignite emotions.” All of it is a sales pitch, and does not have a shred of truth or authenticity. I only wish that I had seen her talk to her employees prior to us sleeping together for a month! That would have ended any amorous feelings that I had for her prior to the dopamine hits and the elixir of passion, which do highjack anyone’s mind.
My most recent ex was also the complete master of make-up / break-up. She could do it so much better than anyone in the world, actually. I don’t think that I will ever have another girl who I am interested in do push and pull so well. So when this tiny girl reached across the guy that I was talking to at a friend’s going-away, I was given some pause. This girl was INTO me. That never changed and had not changed five-months ago when she called me and wanted to see me.
So we hung out for five-weeks. I made her meals, bought her beers, talked and complained about my ex (who I was still very much in love with at the time), we climbed a mountain once, and talked to on the phone as well. We dated for a little bit after I got drunk one night and was taken with how she knew word-for-word all the lyrics to any song at a karaoke joint. I do like smart. However, as her lies were being slowly revealed and she felt guilty about them, I began to see who she really was. Actually, I think that she realized that I was back at work and that, then, she should be going back to work, but would not be doing so and I would be onto her games, so she just had to tell me. I had arrived at my final lesson before 40 that I follow to this day.
Lesson #3 We need to hang out with each other’s friends
I want to know your friends, and you need to see the level of support and care that I provide to mine. I love my friends, and am honestly one of those people who does everything for them. I love connecting over music and food and going on outdoor adventures. I laugh hard with my friends all the time and would have been a mess during this very long dry spell without their support as well. They are honestly my family, and even when we disagree, we can move through conflict well and still have each other’s backs.
So, we shall see if we meet for beers. I would like to start slowly and mindfully. I met her in June, and have heard about her for over a year. I know her best friend, and do outdoor stuff with her best friend’s partner who I adore. It would be really simple for me to host a patio party in the next few weeks and have them and other friends at the party. I can follow my rules