Monthly Archives: March 2012

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Done and done

Bad to do it via phone, but as I have had a break up text a couple of days shy of three months ago, and an awful weekend exchange that lead to semi-hiatus at the beginning of February, this worked for me.  I can’t.  Just can’t.  It’s like there is this approach to me as if I have all these weaknesses and drawbacks that makes it awful to be around me, and that is not partner connection.  There is overt and covert aggression too.  I can’t navigate her moods and don’t want a friendship right now either.  I’m just going to fade.  We may have just been a six-month thing.  It is too bad that the first three-months were so good.  They were.

But, she doesn’t do holidays well at all or does she seem to stay connected with me through tough times.  I don’t want that.  I’m glad that I see my psychologist on Monday.  I want to tie this up as neatly as I am able.  It is definitely good to be able to reflect and move on.  In particular, it is good when I have as much free time as I do coming up in two months.  Back to the drawing board and getting closer to finding what I really want.  I think that I learn more each time that I date and what works for me.  This particular instance could be attributable to bad timing, but I think that I still like a softer sort of approach to everything in life.

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Learning to listen

So, maybe I don’t listen fully.  I think that I have been rendered so much on the defensive–honestly, it’s like warding off blows–that I’m probably just talking to deflect.  I know that I’m not a bully though.  That is complete shit.

I have this book on keys to a strong and loving marriage, and I think that I do a lot of the things in it that are good, but I obviously don’t listen enough to her.  That seems to be her strongest complaint.  That I’m selfish and don’t listen or do I respond to her needs is what she says when she is telling me why she is not sure that she wants to invest any time in it.  There are these A’s that you can follow when you have a chronically angry partner.  They are to agree, apologize, and then add.  So, it would look like this I think, “I can follow through on making sure that I have tied up loose ends that I promised this weekend.  I’m sorry that I didn’t make it a priority.  I felt like I would get around to it, but things were so shaky in January and February that I went remote.”

I think that it’s hard to listen well all the time.  However, I do want to give this a fair shot over the next two months.  I do love her.  I don’t know if we can or if she would even like to do so.  I can’t control her, but would like to see if we can rebuild our foundation and get back to what’s important, which is simply loving each other.

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I think that I’m falling out of love

On the second of this year I texted, “You should not incessantly irritate your one.”  And it’s worse than that now, because she can’t really have a single day with me when she doesn’t say what will not work for her long-term.  I can’t really do this, because one, how do you know what works and doesn’t work for you with the exception of abuse or cheating until you have learned how each other works, and two, isn’t this stage supposed to be more romantic than hard, cold facts of non-negotiation?  I’m sorry, but at the six-month mark, you don’t really have enough under your belt to know, but she knows what won’t work.  Well, I really want to save her the spiel.

So, what will I do?  Tomorrow I will check in on her when she gets the rest of this medical procedure done.  I drove her to part one tonight as an emergency basis.  Honestly, I want to say something sarcastic about that fact, but I won’t.  I’ll just say that is what a girlfriend should do for you.  You should be with her when that happens and not rely on your neighbor.  Your neighbor will never be  your partner, and I’m seriously starting to wonder if she actually wants one.  Bitching at someone constantly and concentrating on a person’s shortcomings is just sick.  Look at the good, build from there, and talk about how you want communication to look.  Focusing on what you DON’T want just makes you feel negatively toward your significant.

I’m not making any plans with her.  I’ve said that before about other girls and that scares the shit out of me, actually.  The thing is that above all, I want to be valued.  I’m not here.  I don’t need her.  I’m looking for a partner.  I’ll miss her son, but I can’t take the complaints about me all the time and then the “I love you,” texts afterward.  That is too weird and not what I’m looking for.  She may be my one, but it is like that damn Ingrid Michaelson song, because “it’s one day in the future,” and does not seem to be now.  I’m honestly fine with that too.

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We shall see

So, I have a date tonight.  It will be great to actually see her because it’s been five-days.  My psychologist said that we are just in the basket of relationship, which can get scrunched, and we have to just show up each day.  Yesterday was not a very good day.  I was exhausted having worked 7 – 4:30 and then had to rush to get food and take my son to sports.  When we got home, we were just a few minutes from his bedtime, but he was hungry again.  I read to him and got him squared away and then was chilling, and listening to music.  She said a couple of things that were nasty.  I was just tired.  “Baby, you sound exhausted,” would have been easier for me to receive than a completely unfounded accusation and telling me had it been true that she’s dump me.

That is not a goodnight.

However, being naturally pragmatic, I am keeping my date tonight and seeing if we can also see each other on Sunday as well.  I need to tell her that was a poor message to have last before I did drift off to sleep.  However, I slept great, and did get up in time to workout and even lift a little bit this morning.  My goal that I want to start this week is developing my upper body.  I have definition, but overall I’m weak and when you consider how strong my legs are, that should be more even.  More…  Balanced.

I do not feel balanced in terms of my relationship right now.  Again, I had said that I would develop a mantra a couple of weeks ago, which now I see more as a broken record.  I would like her to be my future, but I don’t know where or when.  I know that she only wants one thing, but I’m hoping that we can just enjoy.  Honestly, if it gets really caustic like it has been, that is not enjoying.

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So?

What do I do now?  I kinda wish that I had been writing two falls ago when I knew that I had a shelf life with my ex, but the analogy is so poor because I only got caught up in wanting us to work for about three-months and then I spent an inordinately long time realizing that we never would and that really she just wanted to control me by having me far, far away from everything that I knew.  This situation is totally different, because not only am I completely in love and respect her, but she doesn’t want to control me, she just wants a life for herself and her son that is predictable and that she knows.  I get that, because I want to do that too.  I also know what my life is like where I live and now with it currently getting so much warmer, and I will soon be having some time off, it means that I can be outside within seconds.

I don’t like being in the car.  In fact, I hate it.  I used to live rural when I was in school and when I had rotations for school in other towns, I would put 600-miles on my car within a week and my back would be completely compressed all night.  It’s 90-miles a day just from her house to my building.  My current route is 16 total (roundtrip).  Anyone with kids will tell you that this amount of driving also takes you away from your kids that long too.  Unfair to my son who sees me within minutes when he needs me, and also puts a brand-new dynamic on our mother-son relationship.

I called one of my good friends who I see monthly for dinner at my house.  She gets along with my son so well too and is great with kids.  She popped over and had dinner with me and we all took a walk.  She told me that if I moved because she works really far south, she could see me three times a year meeting at a mid-point.  This example is just one of many, because my friends are very busy with their lives and children, etc., so it would take really concerted effort to get together.  I wouldn’t see some of the people who pull me out of my head at intervals and who I share meals with frequently.

Then, there is the matter of my parents and my son’s Dad not being able to do much with him without careful planning.  Blood matters.  It just does, and they should be able to get to him within 20-30 minutes.  It is really picking up my whole life and moving it; although, it’s the same state.

The main difference about this move and the one I considered for a second is that she already has a gig and people with whom she feels connected, and a entire outdoor routine up there.  I have built the latter for the cold months this year, and will continue to expand my repertoire for outdoor stuff where I am.  I get a bit down when it’s cold, and that is sad, because honestly, it is never really cold here.

When I was considering moving, I realized that I could not be outside as much as I liked where my ex lived.  That really didn’t matter much to her, because she was not healthy in general.  My ex did not have a circle of friends yet where she was and was willing to try another town so we could build something.  I’m not saying that I miss the drunk, I’m just saying that we could have built some new things together in a new location for us both.

I realized that she doesn’t give up anything at all if I move.  I give up a lot.  I also am giving up tons with a woman who really does have a laundry list of complaints about me; although, I do know that she is in love with me.  I’m looking for less rigidity and some celebration of me and what I offer.  I think that we will probably have to redefine and it may be soon.  I know that she told me to take the next 6-months so I can fall in love with where she lives, but honestly, in addition to liking how close everything is where I live and all of the opportunities that I have to expose my son to such as diversity, classes, and other learning opportunities without the commute, I also don’t want to be in my car 90-miles a day for half the year and miss my friends all the time.  It’s a recipe for later resentment for a woman who really doesn’t want to shake things up for herself.  She knows what she wants.  I feel like an add-on again, and I definitely felt that two-years ago.  I want a girl to choose me and build something that WE decide.

Honestly, I can’t really exit until it is inevitable, because I love our intimacy.  Obviously, I don’t have any band width to date because it’s like entering into something with a cheater.  I think of her all of the time.  I guess she was right to lead with us having an expiry date, and the aftermath of what our redefinition will look like is going to be painful.  I’m not anxious for it to start, honestly.

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She told me she will never move

So, I was floored.  I got mean.  I apologized.  I want to hold that she didn’t come at me from a place of love, but at first that we had a shelf life, which colored the whole conversation and fucking crushed me.  I think at this age that you don’t fit neatly into a woman’s life.  It’s also complicated when you are blending kids that you birthed independent of one another and have dreams for them.

I want:

1. Someone to build a life WITH me and being willing to make compromises

2. Sexy

3. Smart

4. Funny

5. Sees good in me

6. Adaptable and balanced with her approach to things

I’m going to ask if I can come to her on Friday and play with her son on Saturday this weekend.  I’m actually going to do it right now.  I am not as raw as I was that she didn’t approach me from a place of love now, because love for her bike and lake is greater because it’s longer-term.  That is actually a good analogy for most things.

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I can feel her

Oh, my girl and I have had some nice exchanges, messages, and direct conversation this week!  It’s amazing to be this connected to a woman and that is brand new for me.  I’m no stranger to when I’m dating someone to watching my phone and being encouraged when she calls or texts, but with her, I can sense her and we have synchronistic channellings of each other.  It’s odd to be with a girl who you are so much alike and sometimes that makes the sparks fly when we disagree or just have a different timing or less intense reaction.  It’s completely bizarre for me to be with a girl more intense than me too.

Again, I used to be like her.  Friends called me a hothead and now I’m more into waiting and then engaging when I feel solid and know what I’m going to say.  I have cultivated a lot of patience and it serves my son and I well.  I’m also patient with her.  She gets down because I forget some things or repeat something that I’ve said.  Like I’ve held for a long time, she has high standards.  I know that my standards were not lowered, it was just that I had resigned myself to thinking that it was not in my path to have a partner.  Now, I’ve revised my list.  Revisions occur because I’ve found my partner.

1. I want someone who is willing to gamble and shake it up with me.

2. #1. Includes building a life with me in a place that is new for both of us.

3. Making new paths together and valuing the close ones who matter.

4. Listening fully and openly to concerns that I have.

5. Realizing that I’m the one who she wants.

These are the intentions that I’ve been putting out for a week solid.  They have resulted in some good interchanges coming to fruition.  We are really on the same page right now.  I don’t want her to think about the future per se, but just love time with me and be open to us as a possibility.  We are honestly building our future currently.  The only thing I think that I need to practice now is saying, “Shh…  Let’s be still and enjoy.  There is now, and we are each other’s future.  Let’s work that out in the fall when our calendar has completely turned together.”  I’m feeling a new energy, and dammit, I LIKE it.

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What a difference a day makes

And a night.  Amen.  I want this venture to work.  I know that now that I’m older and certainly wiser that I’m ready to get married.  I want to build a whole life out of choices and experience mystery and that unfolding that only comes when someone ignites everything inside of you.  When she talks about things, I get hot.  When she looks into my eyes, I meet her gaze and feel heat rising to my face.  When she kisses me, it burns into me.

I have no idea why I told her…  Again, I’m sometimes like Homer Simpson, but I have burned out on kissing everyone.  There was this time period wherein I actually stopped kissing my ex, and then when she would kiss me, I’d stop.  We didn’t even enjoy each other when we were intimate and got sort of a business like approach to it when we did have sex.  Very odd.  There is nothing business-like with my girl.  She fucking slays me.

How does one keep it going?  How do you build trust and how does she know that you are really that boring?  You don’t do anything that is odd or not part of what you mean.  You just want only her and know that if she would let down her guard–not worry, never second-guess, and just take a total leap of faith that you’d do anything for her and her son?

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A little bit of flexibility

So, Friday we spent the night together and it was good to talk and connect.  We were both exhausted, and again, I think that as we are both mothers, Friday nights can be kinda like collapse time rather than anything hot and probably always will have that flavor if we decide to make the plunge.  If we do, I would hold firm that she and I pick something…  Together.  I don’t think that it’s equitable to move into somebody’s house where they have memories from previous stuff and I don’t think that either of us moving into the other’s house makes sense.  She has held firm that my area is NOT an option.  Although I do love it here, and have spent 30-years total in this city, I have some bad memories. I would be willing to move.  Not into anybody’s house.

Let’s go back to the drunk.  She wanted my son and I not only to move 6-states away, but she also wanted us to move into her parent’s house!  Not that they were there yet, but who the fuck wants to live in somebody else’s house?  How is that making dreams and decisions together?!?  And that’s what I’m looking for.  I’m looking for someone to make some decisions WITH me.

The town of compromise actually has some good schools in it too.  Ethnic and cultural diversity is important for me as well, and it’s a stone’s throw away from a great little city.  As long as we could financially make it make sense, I would be down for a move in about two-years.  I could easily give up my house and I would like it if we could make some new friends and connections together.  When you are this age, you don’t always fit into your partner’s friends circle easily.  I think that my friends in general are accepting and just glad that I’m in love for real with someone, and I’ll always see them.

So tonight is actually a date-date.  Which is good.  I need some intimacy and connection in that realm.  It’s odd that I put such a high premium on it, but I do.  With her, it’s so incredible too and has it’s own set of emotions that are tied to it.  You can honestly feel love expressed physically, and I thought that stuff was bullshit until now.  Truly.

Well, it’s not.  She is who I want to build a life with in the future.  I want us to raise our boys and have at least one more kid, but do that together.  Closely aligned with that is that I want us to do everything together, which includes working on the nuts and both conjointly of cohabitation.  I love her.

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I just don’t know

Pause, pause, pause.  I don’t think that I’ve done that badly. I think that most of my entries are about what an asshole I am.  I’m not that bad.  I drive in traffic and have exclusively since December and my schedule is tight, but I don’t think that makes me a bad person.  There are some things that you don’t want in a gf.  The reason that I know is because I have done A LOT of dating. I keep thinking that is probably a good thing for every woman to do.

I’m telling you if we don’t see each other this weekend that I will probably have a lot of trouble continuing.  I don’t feel particularly acknowledged for what I do, but I do know a laundry list of things that are my shortcomings.  That is super imbalanced for me and not the way in which I aspire to live my life.  I will give her this card and the personal present that I designed though no matter if I just drop it off or not.  I do love her.

She has TONS of complaints about me.  That’s actually intriguing to me, which is a little sick, I suppose.  I haven’t been with anyone who was bothered by anything about me less my intensity and abrasiveness.  It makes me think that some of my shortcomings are unique to our union and I always come back to how similar we are.  I have said this to my psychologist, and I will say it again, I think that her level of criticalness is much like how I used to be.  I’m just different now and much of it stems from being completely alone and dating.  I’m strong on my own too, so I don’t need to tell others anything about themselves.  What’s problematic for me is the lack of gratitude for the fact that I’m trying harder than I ever have and that it still doesn’t seem to be enough.  I won’t be enough.  I’m terribly imperfect and don’t apologize for it.  Everyone has drawbacks.

There are some things that I don’t think that she’d compromise on anyway.  My son and I don’t fit simply into the life that she has either.  It’s not really just my friends down here; although, they are my family, but it’s my lifestyle.  I have tons of schools to choose from and literally live on a bike trail.  I don’t have to use my car much in two months, and won’t except when I’m climbing in the summer after my son learns to ride.  I try to live greenly too and the commute kinda makes me feel badly–it’s a lot of gas and emissions.  We don’t live close together.

This is a completely new tone for me and it’s impersonal. I think it stems from some resentment from not being acknowledged and being told that I’m something that I’m not.  I follow a schedule and I think that all women in our age group do, so that’s not being self-involved.  I don’t want shit pinned on me.  Damn, I am hurt.  I’m not sure what I’ll decide this weekend.

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Made it through a beginning of the month weekend

The moon is nearly full, is it not?  It was tenuous all weekend and then as usual, something that I said, which followed logically for me was inflammatory for her yesterday.  Shit, just after she had just called me “honey” too.  I think she gets what I was saying now, but it’s so weird to piss off your gf all the time and have to explain yourself.  Part of this is my fault, because the peeps who I hang out with have known me four-years at a minimum.  They get me.  I’m in your face, and totally WYSIWYG.  The thing is that I’m a good person and a nurturer.  I’m not used to be challenged at the character level.  I have a good soul and would do anything for my friends.

So, it still feels like I barely dodged yet another break-up.  It’s a shitty pattern.  I don’t feel safe at all.  It’s the way things are with a woman who has to look for loopholes for a living though, so it’s probably my lot until she trusts me.

I want to be with her this weekend.  I miss the way that she smells and feels.  Friday can’t come soon enough for me and I can’t wait to connect to her.  I love her.

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Maintaining

So, I have completely lost it before after a break-up, but that was well over four-years ago.  If that’s what this hand holds, I won’t go off the deep end and will instead reach out to friends and get things done.  Forward motion is best.  One of my good friends relocated to the East Coast a few years ago because her husband is completing his residency and I was talking to her several weeks ago right after my gf had broken up with me a second time, and she said, “Don’t you get it?  She’s testing to see if you will leave her.”  I was baffled because I won’t.  I’m here, and I have never said anything else aloud or held in my heart that she’s who I want to be with.  Another friend of mine with whom I work said, “You know that she is going to break-up with you again, so all you can do is change your reaction to it.”  I guess that I need to change my reaction to that I have not heard, “I love you,” in five days too, because I do love myself, so I should assume that she loves me too.

I had an appointment with my Psychologist last night and talked through all of it and she said, “She has been through so much and continues to go through more, so what you can do is stay balanced.”  I said, “I don’t want to get broken up with because I can’t do it again!”  She said, “Why?  What will happen if she tells you that she doesn’t want to be with you anymore.  You have a lot of evidence and you believe also that she wants to be with you, so why can you not ‘do it’?”  And I really had to ponder that one, honestly.  Why does it matter if I get a cold e-mail or text today?  I can just call her and say, “I don’t want to write or talk about this stuff right now.  Let’s take a week because you have had probably the worse week of your life, and then let’s talk face to face.”  I need to maintain my sense of balance and not get thrown off.  I don’t like being there.  I want to stay with what I want and be stronger than I ever have been.

I guess my other entries were pretty rigid.  I had this sense of what I will and won’t put up with or something.  I want to build a life with her.  She is amazing.  She may be on the fence about me, but I’m certainly not about her, and honestly, my maintaining what is the truth for me is all that I can honor.

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Need for me

I know that I need to write today, and I knew that before she left me her message.  She will begin a cycle of grief.  I think that is completely personal.  So, I’m going to write what I know right now.

I love her.  I want to build a life with her.  She is like no one.  She has the highest standards of anyone who I’ve ever met.  I’m not easily intimidated.  I’m so good on my own too, so we will see what our future holds as some more time passes.  I know that if she breaks up with me for good that I’ll be just fine and will keep on doing what I do.

I was a bizarre shell of a human being for a year and still exhibited some questionable behaviors afterward after I finally came out.  Why didn’t I come out sooner?  The funny thing is how big of a lesbian I am.  I would say that in terms of femininity, I am pretty middle-of-the-road, and certainly men look at me and the ballsy ones will approach me and hit on me, but it’s pretty rare that I have to come out to anyone.  The quintessential Tomboy, and very much into playing hard, laughing and being physical are part and parcel of who I am at my core.  When kids from high school found out that at 23 I had married, the common reply was, “______, is married?  To a man?”  I stayed in that marriage for nine years too, which was baffling given how little we had in common and our playmate role even had fallen away after about 5-years of knowing each other.  This fall I have known him 18-years.  He’s ok, but doesn’t have any goals so I sometimes I have trouble respecting his decisions.  I have not missed living with him for what will be five full years this fall.  That’s the thing, I’m loyal and want what’s best for others…  Historically…

We had started working through this relationship and couple’s text and some of the preliminary chapters combined with my blogging and my own therapy has lead me to know that part of me has fallen away.  I’m only still loyal.  Now, I want what is best for me and my son.  I broke up with my with ex because she was a drunk and a control freak.  I don’t think that she ever loved me.  The woman who I had my coming out affair with didn’t ever really love me either.  I know, too, that my ex-husband never loved me either, but was young and interested in propriety and doing right by his family.  I get that.  We have some similar values.

Now, I want what’s best for me and my son.  The stupid dating shit that I’ve done isn’t good for either of us, and yields my feeling empty.  I like how circumspect I have become based on my lessons yielded from dating hell.  I’m a lesbian version of a “Sex in the City” character, seriously.  I’m just not an empty sex afficionada, so I can’t be Shane.  Of course, I have had sex most months for two years, so that’s probably easier for me to say, but I would prefer not to have another FB.  Those kinds of unions do not yield a relationship.  Even if I try, those kind of girls that you start out just doing are not the ones who I want to settle down with because I’m pretty concrete.  If I get together with you because I want to have sex, that’s what I want.  If something organically develops, it still probably was based in lust and not in being compatible.  I’m looking for settling down with someone and growing together, or I’ll just have sex occasionally and do my thing.  I’m an independent and strong woman and won’t settle.  Not even a little.