I just don’t know

Pause, pause, pause.  I don’t think that I’ve done that badly. I think that most of my entries are about what an asshole I am.  I’m not that bad.  I drive in traffic and have exclusively since December and my schedule is tight, but I don’t think that makes me a bad person.  There are some things that you don’t want in a gf.  The reason that I know is because I have done A LOT of dating. I keep thinking that is probably a good thing for every woman to do.

I’m telling you if we don’t see each other this weekend that I will probably have a lot of trouble continuing.  I don’t feel particularly acknowledged for what I do, but I do know a laundry list of things that are my shortcomings.  That is super imbalanced for me and not the way in which I aspire to live my life.  I will give her this card and the personal present that I designed though no matter if I just drop it off or not.  I do love her.

She has TONS of complaints about me.  That’s actually intriguing to me, which is a little sick, I suppose.  I haven’t been with anyone who was bothered by anything about me less my intensity and abrasiveness.  It makes me think that some of my shortcomings are unique to our union and I always come back to how similar we are.  I have said this to my psychologist, and I will say it again, I think that her level of criticalness is much like how I used to be.  I’m just different now and much of it stems from being completely alone and dating.  I’m strong on my own too, so I don’t need to tell others anything about themselves.  What’s problematic for me is the lack of gratitude for the fact that I’m trying harder than I ever have and that it still doesn’t seem to be enough.  I won’t be enough.  I’m terribly imperfect and don’t apologize for it.  Everyone has drawbacks.

There are some things that I don’t think that she’d compromise on anyway.  My son and I don’t fit simply into the life that she has either.  It’s not really just my friends down here; although, they are my family, but it’s my lifestyle.  I have tons of schools to choose from and literally live on a bike trail.  I don’t have to use my car much in two months, and won’t except when I’m climbing in the summer after my son learns to ride.  I try to live greenly too and the commute kinda makes me feel badly–it’s a lot of gas and emissions.  We don’t live close together.

This is a completely new tone for me and it’s impersonal. I think it stems from some resentment from not being acknowledged and being told that I’m something that I’m not.  I follow a schedule and I think that all women in our age group do, so that’s not being self-involved.  I don’t want shit pinned on me.  Damn, I am hurt.  I’m not sure what I’ll decide this weekend.

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