Category Archives: Winter 12/13

Here comes the new season… I typically follow dates on the calendar, but it is soooooo cold now and only about two weeks away, so I will start blogging in the new winter area for this blog. (I usually look back and note my emotions and growth during seasons.)

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Timing

Now, it really is a timing thing.  She explained that as she thought about it, that she is getting very solid on her own and doesn’t want to date.  She was fairly vulnerable when she was texting me earlier in the night and she is actually sick.  I’ve heard of the condition that she has too, and I know that you fatigue significantly in the sun.  That would be horrible for a girl like me, who simply loves being out all of the time.  I know that when you’re in no shape to date, you can’t date.  That is why I could just do Peter Pan for a few days, because she was a silly girl, and I couldn’t really take her seriously.  I had no idea that she was basically a liar though when she and I hooked up last summer.  Again, that was just a good rebound thing for me, and helped me just put a hard stop on a relationship with my ex because I had that fling.

This girl from church is straightforward and honest.  That is a good thing.  I won’t really seek out a friendship with her, but when she texts or interacts on my FB, I will definitely be my normal, conscientious self.  I think that when you have as much going on as she she does that she won’t contact me but about once a week.  We can be friends and that is fine with me.

Speaking of creepy, my ex knew that I was planning on a date last weekend, and she knew that I had a date with this particular girl last August when she flipped her shit and came down for “friendship,” but it was sex and then two months of dating again.  She emailed and asked me how my date was.  Since I won’t write really I said, “Didn’t happen.”  Then she said, “Why?  You ok?”  I said, “Long story.  All good.”  Then with incorrect punctuation she said that she wanted to know the story and asked how my son was.  I realized Hemingway sentences were not working right now so I said, “If you want to build a friendship with me, call sometime.  _______ is wonderful.”  Then silence on the chess board.  What a piece of work.

I do not miss that party bus, let me tell you.  It’s taken nearly a season free of seeing her less once, but I really do get it now.  I also get her.  We had slept together once in October and I told her, “I just couldn’t see doing a lifetime of this,” and I still can’t.  I also can’t interact much with her.  She will do what she does.  Her rapid fire questioning and her nicey-nicey stuff.  I can’t control her, but I can stay mostly cool with her.  My next response is already written and it will piss her off to high hell and keep her quiet for a week.  I’m hoping that someday, she just won’t contact me at all.  I think that will happen when I fall in love with a woman.  That will take me some time, but I am mostly just glad to have reassurance that she will be civil in public to me.  That’s a good way to end it.

It’s a good way to end a possible dating prospect with exchanging information regarding where you are too.  I’m not going to hustle for a friendship with her, but I’m here and will chat with her whenever she’d like.  I certainly won’t rapid fire questions or try to get her to talk to me by acting superficially disingenuous!

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Steps

So, I don’t think that the girl from church will go out with me.  That’s fine, because I probably present to her like a cautionary tale.  Let’s rewind.  After the tragedy that took place this summer, we were at a prayer service together.  That’s because on occasion, I had been looking at her across church and I thought that she was cute, but at the time, which was last spring, I was trying to sort out my shitty relationship, but was still very much in love with my ex. Post-it note that one.  It’s an important key to me and who I am.

This past summer I did not sleep with my ex.  In fact I did not sleep with my ex for three months, and then we reconnected for two months and slept together outside of the context of relationship until winter began.  I have been single (COMPLETELY) this winter.  I am proud of that, because I have mindfully and with lots of reflection moved through our break-up.  I have also gotten to a point wherein I am not consciously looking for anyone.  I honestly believe that a girl will cross my path.

Flashback to summer: After the regular church service ended, I talked to this girl finally.  We had a good conversation, and then she told one of the transgirls in the congregation and one of her good friends that she was going to sit with me.  We attended a prayer service.  I had been sleeping with Peter Pan a bit, but when her bullshit / lies unraveled and she got clingy, I told her that this was not the stuff of slow, getting to know you dating.  I bounced.  So, I figured since I did, I’d ask out the girl from church.  I did.

We had a great first date.  We walked from church to a neighboring park.  We ate homemade pasta salad and summer fruits and drank sparkling water.  We walked around the park several times, and unfortunately she got blisters 😦  Then I walked her back to her car and told her that I’d like to see her two weeks from now and have a drink.  At the time, I didn’t know that she was a recovering alcoholic.  I don’t know all of her story; although, I do know a lot about her.  Anyway, I told her that I had a great time, and then I embraced her.  She pulled me closer and then pressed her abdomen on mine.  I’m pretty sure that she wanted me to kiss her, but Peter Pan took a lot out of me the month before.  I no longer trust girls who I don’t know.  I pulled away–I didn’t even put my face in her neck–and then she grabbed my bicep and also ran her hand down my arm.  That was clear.

Then, my ex did a powerplay that week and came down for dinner so we could “talk.”  Fuck?  Yes.  I tried really hard those two months, and didn’t talk to the girl from church on the phone again until October.  She also knows that my ex has historically driven me nuts.  She probably won’t go out to dinner with me.  I get it.

I really don’t need any friends.  There are several who I miss so much and who I don’t get to see.  One of whom has four kids, and is really the sole supporter of them, so I really do have to come to her.  I don’t though.  I haven’t seen her since October either.

Back to one of my values.  I’m monogamous.  Shane was not when I met her, and honestly that didn’t matter all summer that we had sex.  At that point in my life–I was newly out and 34–I didn’t care to have a girlfriend and just wanted an FB.  Sleeping with Shane has lots of benefits.  She gives, which is unique for a woman like me who had two str8 girl gf’s as a adolescent.  And she is very good at what she does.  However, once you have slept with Shane for some time, it gets perfunctory.  It always works because Shane is after all pretty much a sex addict, but it lacks spontaneity and connection.  The sad thing about Shane is that she always used to say to me, “Don’t fall in love with me.”  She said that all summer and then for about four months that winter that we reconnected.  However, she stopped saying it when we went to NM.  Because she fell in love with me.

That was pretty consuming.  To have Shane fall in love with you!  So, I tried with her, because I am monogamous and because having a girl like that fall for you certainly gave me lots of pause.  Plus, she told me in NM that I was the best lover that she ever had.  She still says that to this day, and talks about missing our sex life.  I won’t ever sleep with her again, because we were really just a summer fling.

I didn’t care who Shane was sleeping with the summer that we met.  Later in winter when she reconnected with me on NYD and told me, “I’ve missed you so much.  I have never stopped thinking about you,” I thought that we could just date.  No, Shane also loved the love triangle.  I told her in a letter the following summer (after we had known each other a year) that she really liked juggling two women, and that it was highly unlikely that you could meet your one in a bar.  I wrote, “You liked the Pepsi Challenge of the triangle.  I.E. “Let me service her, and then get my needs met.”  She didn’t like that and just went off on me.  That’s my thing really.

If I say something to a girl that is my belief, why can’t she just say, “I get that you see it that way, and here is my perspective.”  I even talked to Bette about my trying hard, but it was not enough because it left her feeling that I had zero compassion.  That’s her perspective.  My being the sole driver, making meals, tending to her boy occasionally (I love him so much.) while she showered or whatever, making pictures, writing out cards, and just shutting up and holding her was not enough.  To her, I lacked compassion, was creepy, negative and selfish.  Although, I don’t get why she’d feel that way about me, but I do honor that is her perspective of who I am.  In that case, it means that we should not have a connection anymore.  I don’t know anyone who thinks that when I make efforts, that is who I am.

I have taken to writing to a mystery girl in pen at night before I go to bed.  I’d like to meet a new girl.  So, I write about good hugs, good conversation, passion, and connection.  I don’t write about good conflict resolution skills, but I think that those are of value too.  Can you call in your one by putting out intentions to her?

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Nakedly mean is back

I told her that we didn’t have bad timing because she already has a girlfriend.  Then she unloaded on me and said that I completely lack compassion and that is something that she never understood.  Frankly, I got sick of the “timing” card, which was always bullshit, so I called that.  She admitted that she never wanted to drive to me so she could see me.  That is what stung the worse, and I always assumed it.  I get being tired, but my world is that it is always better when I wake up next to a woman when my week has been long or bad–but I didn’t say that.

All of these exchanges are via email.  I told her that I don’t know a single person who thinks that I lack compassion and I listed all the straws that I grasped at including always driving to her–sometimes several times in the same weekend–just to be with her to support as best as I could, especially after she lost her father.  She does not acknowledge that, and it’s because all people have drawbacks to her.  They are failing her.  They don’t give her an even exchange of what she gives them.

People do have weaknesses.  People do fuck up.  Maybe that’s true, but I don’t lead with them, because I would be sad and miserable.

Additionally, I told her that because I don’t know anyone who thinks that I lack compassion, I am not meant to be close with her, and she agreed.  We will see how long.  I don’t care though.  I tried to be her friend, but she has this bizarre flavor wherein she lists what a great woman I am and how “proud” she is of me, only to then tell me that I lack compassion.  She must still think that I am creepy, negative, and selfish too.  Again, those are not things that even my good friend who I have always had since 5th grade thinks.  Consensus is that I’m direct, honest, and straightforward.  I’ll take the consensus, because I only entertain a friendship with her for a day or two.  In fact, I only entertained a relationship in the same manner after September.  I told her that we don’t show up to the external world in the same way and that I wish her peace.

So, I have a few sentences.

  1. Fine.  How are you?
  2. Good.  Just working.
  3. Great.  He is doing tons.
  4. How are things for you?
  5. Hours for school are hard.

Cool!  I have read enough Hemingway to be able to do this stuff well.  That’s it.  It’s on a rolodex.  (However in the days of SIM cards and synching your email to your phone, those days are over.)  But, I can open this entry when she does get in touch with me again so I have my list.  Those are the ONLY things that I will say to her.

My girl from church and I didn’t get to talk on the telephone yesterday.  Damn.  I think that she likes being pursued though.  I don’t have time for that though, and haven’t had to do it much.  I came out at 33.  I lived with my college gf, and my hs gf lived across the street from me.  I’ve never had to pursue much, and generally do like the quote that those who want to be caught are the true catches, so I’ll just wait to hear from her.  That is what is best with introverted Water Signs.  And believe me, I have had three–fourteen-years worth–and also a few dates with a girl who was exactly her sign.  The secret is…  Don’t overwhelm them.

She has to work all day on Saturday, and because she has been unemployed for so long, I completely get that.  I left her a VM and said that the offer for dinner is always open, because I’d like to get to know her better and that if I need to get a sitter, so be it.  Yesterday, I actually had to serve communion as well.  She came up in a large group of transgirls and when I smiled at her, she flushed.  It was very cute.  I texted her later that for what it was worth she looked pretty today and I was glad that she took communion from me.  It’s nice to flirt.  I’ll see what transpires.  I do think that summer is a good time for me, and even if it’s super hot and burning again, I have done my hard work moving through a bad relationship, and I even had my sex-only rebound thing.  I’m looking for more.  I’m going to go to my friend’s church a bit this summer too.  I also have two races in April, and then one in June, and one in July, and a cycling event in September.

Church was beautiful yesterday.  Having been raised Catholic, I can’t think of a time that lent has been beautiful, but it was in my church, and the message was that we are not alone ever and that we are all works in progress.  I sat by this guy who I really like.  He is sweet and fairly quiet, but very bright.  He and I both had tears during the service.  My boy came bounding up with paper dolls right before the last prayer for communion–of course with wounds on some of them–and said, “They are all different.”  It seems that they are still doing diversity in the children’s liturgy.

I don’t want to “get things right.”  Rather, I want to move and learn from a woman who walks my path and and I walk hers.  I’m good with being “in progress.”  Remember that Bill Murray only really does want Andie McDowell in “Groundhog Day,” but he has to become well-rounded and authentic before she will even notice him much?  I am good with where I am.  I don’t put others down, and I know that I can be good to those who I know and nurture.

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Doy

I don’t mean I give, but I’m pretty much a top, so I guess it has double-meanings.  I can go out on a date again with the child.  My friends keep telling me that she is not a child, but 28 does freak me out, but I’ll just get over it.  I’ve seen her for over a year, and have talked to her since last July, so it fits my “know well” thing.  Plus, she wrote, “How about a juicy mango?” on my status last week.  Hello?  I talked to her yesterday and we had ease in conversation and then when I got to my practicum site I said, “Can I take you out to dinner next Saturday night?” and she said, “That sounds good!  I’ll check my schedule and get back to you.”  We’ll go to a trendy spot in a gentrified area just north and west of downtown, and I’ll tell her a start time, so we have two cars.  If the convo is good, I’ll walk her to her car and hug her again.  If she grabs my bicep again, I’ll finally kiss her.  I’ve known her eight months.  So, I do have a girl I can date.

Bette HeyTelled yesterday morning, and at the end of it she said, “Are we going to be able to be friends?”  So, I just called her.  I talked to her about various things and then she posed the question again, and I said, “You know, _____ , I originally just wanted to be amiable when I could feel your new girl’s energy and realized that you couldn’t say such mean things to me unprovoked if there wasn’t another moving right in.  But now after seeing you, it gets convoluted.  I just wanted us to be cool on the off chance that we see each other out and about, but now…  So, I just need to take time.  I’m quick at work, and in fact, my colleagues always say, ‘There is ______ , on a mission!” but in my personal life I am not like that.  I rely on observations and need lots of them to make decisions.  Last night was just too convoluted.”

Then she said, “Well, the ball is really in your court, and you’ll need to contact me.”  I said, “_____ , that could be years.”  And she said that was ok.  About a half an hour later she apologized for ever hurting me and indicated that she really meant it.  Then she texted again and said that she loves me and that I still have a significant piece of her heart.  I texted, “Thank you.  I love you too.”  And I do.  I fell completely in love with her and she was a critical part of my journey.

However, I really need to date.  I don’t know if it’s feasible to date a whole bunch of women, because I am away from my house a minimum of 11-hours daily getting things done.  I don’t have time or a method to meet lots of girls.  However, I’m NOT having sex next weekend.  I think that the end of the month is a good idea for that.  Because then it has been nearly four-months since I have, and that is always a good marker for me to rid another girl’s energy from me.  I don’t want her to feel Bette when we do connect if it proceeds that way.  I know that she wants to, and that she wanted to make out on the street when we had our date in August.  Slow build up this month seems good.  She is not Peter Pan either and has always told me the truth.  We should be good.  At least it’s a fun prospect, and I’ll just get over her age.

Such a strange path.  My shrink is right, and you certainly cannot bend the river.  I don’t want to, and am ready to float down, while I can appreciate and avoid fervor or rapids.  Canoe seems good.

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Still balanced

I came in when she was already there and she gave me a sports hug, but didn’t hurt my back, so that part was good.  Oh well, she touched me over and over and I noticed that I was recoiling a bit.  She was also watching my mouth at times when I talked.  It was fine.  My friend who I don’t really 100% have trust in was there and she came over to me, and I went to her table and then she said, “She still has feelings for you, and gave me that look.”  Oh well.  Good for her and her gf.

She told me that her gf has some drama visa vi her ex of 7-years.  It was a somewhat convoluted story, but didn’t sound clean and I told her that she will have to see “how clean it is for her, ” and she said, “That is so odd, because that is nearly word-for word what I’d said.”  Again, oh well.

She asked why she wasn’t invited to the dinner party that I told her about, and I decided not to play Captain Obvious regarding that she never wants to drive down, and that it was for my friends.  I did say, “Well, it was for happy couples and you haven’t been with your girlfriend long enough.”  She said, “Well, I’m happy and could have just come.”  I laughed and said, “I guess so,” and then she quickly said, “You won’t invite me though,” and I said, “Probably not.”  And, I won’t for years, and am incredulous that we will see each other again via prearrangement.  I don’t even know when we’d run into each other.

She didn’t bring up FB again, but I showed her pictures of the couple who had me over for dinner last Saturday, and she said, “Are you attracted to that one?”  And I said, “I always have been.  That porcelain skin and light eyes has always been the hottest thing to me,” and she said, “Well, that’s not me,” and I said, “You’re very fair.”  She said, “I get dark in the summer.”  I said, “Your skin gets bronze, but your coloring is very light, and is it ok that I’m saying these things?”  I realized later that she baited it, but she said, “Yes.”  Then she asked me if my boundaries were clear with her and I said, “My boundaries are always clear and they are very much in love and it is beautiful to watch.”  She still doesn’t get me and the air is constantly full of projection when she talks.

She left an hour or more early.  I’m home too.  (I left a bit early and am tanked.)  It was fine.  I was not attracted or unattracted, but was neutral.  I’m just ready for the next segment of my life and won’t go up there ever again; although, it should be noted that she came down here for this presentation.  So, that is my truth for a girl who does not believe in absolutes and I am signing off and going to bed!

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Stream of consciousness

I haven’t seen her in about 10-weeks and tonight will be a funny reconnection.  We are seeing a psychic do a “presentation?”  I don’t know what she does, but my friend who I don’t completely trust, but has been in my life for nine-years said this woman is amazing.  She apparently can channel many lost loved ones.  Not that I subscribe to coincidences anyway, but it is amazing that this night takes place the night before her father passed a year ago.  I don’t know what she’ll channel, but it will be fascinating, I’m sure.

I wrapped some natural chicken thighs in non-nitrate turkey bacon and am baking them.  It smells good.  I cut up three gigantic carrots and diced some onions and celery hearts and put them in the bottom on the crock.  I soaked the lentil blend last night.  I’ll combine them with broth before I go to work.  The boys will have a comforting pot of food.

I’m feeling pretty neutral.  I remember when I met her for a glass of wine in mid-October I felt this same way.  She looked liked shit that night too, because she was worried about her surgery, so it was easy just to chat.  She said something shitty to me and touched my hand and I pulled back.  It was condescending.  I hope that I don’t have to put up with much of her shit tonight.  I just want to laugh a little.

We stopped laughing.

We laughed one time in September–when I mistook Mr. Clean for Listerine–and the other times it was completely heavy.  Way too serious.

Was it just a dopamine rush for three-months?  Waaaay back in 2011…  I think that there was more, but I do think that she was on her best behavior with me, and then couldn’t maintain.  She does these highly affected things so she won’t look like a controller.  Her moods are really intense and completely volatile.

If we don’t laugh tonight, I won’t do anything but send cards.  She told me to tell her when I’m dating, but I don’t want that energy around when I finally do sleep with someone.  And, I don’t want to sleep with anyone who I don’t know again, so I’m just doing the friend surrounding currently.

I was craving apples yesterday morning so I posted it.  The girl ten-years my junior who I had a date with last summer wrote about a “juicy mango?”  I took that like an offer so I posted it.  Honestly, I really wouldn’t mind sleeping with her every other weekend if that would be appealing to her.  I may ask at the end of March.  I do miss Shane for that reason given that in 2009 she was 10-minutes away, and we could hook up and it was fun, and low maintenance.  I do know this young girl, so that would fit my current bill.  However, does it delay her being able to look for a partner and have some kids?  I’m direct.  I may ask.  I’ll see how she presents in church on Sunday before I ask.

I have all of this work to do.  I have to get it all done by 4/30 too.  Insane.  Especially when I’m already working 60-hours a week and am pushing 40.  On top of all of this, I’m on new meds for acne that make having my cycle what I do everyday nearly.  That is just lovely as well.

I wonder why I’m happy?  I am.  I have taken to holding my son against my chest laying parallel to the length of the sofa and toward the corner while I read to him.  He was sick last Wednesday and we started this tradition.  I have great friends.  The little circle of lesbians that I’m finally assembling (after wanting it for nearly two-years) is taking off and now our dinner parties will rove.  I have a lead for my doctoral internship.  I’m out of a negative relationship.  I think I get why life is good and I’ll take that energy with me tonight to the psychic.

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Writing need

I haven’t written in awhile.  I guess that when I don’t, my mind works stuff out anyway because I have been dreaming about girls for a few weeks.  They are in those shadowy, sprawling ways wherein one girl can turn into another, but I do know that because I’m just increasing my space away and getting stronger it mixes up all my relationship history in my head.  I don’t really believe the tired idiomatic phrase that time heals all wounds, but when it comes to love and lost love, it is probably the most helpful.  Additionally, I would never really run into her anyway, so I just have to work it all out silently and without seeing her.  I think that it’s best.

I would really like to have some companionship, but I don’t think until the beginning of June is it even realistic.  I have to finish up all these clinical hours, get my 30-pages through IRB, make observations every Wednesday and conduct and record my interviews, and then find another placement for next fall and spring.  Not the stuff of free time.

I still make sure that my son sees friends and plays sports though, so I don’t feel like anything is really lacking or not being met on the home front.  He kicked some ass on the basketball court yesterday too.  He also had an outdoor and one indoor playdate and I connected with an old friend.

I did something to my lower abdomen.  It probably was strained last Saturday in Boot Camp.  I’ll monitor it.  Last week was really poor on the workout scene, which tends to affect my mood.  I need to step it up this week.  I plan on starting that midday tomorrow because one of the Rec Centers is open and then I can stay on track.  I’ll see if my friend wants to join me.  At this particular location–a VERY trendy spot–there are some hot-ass straight girls to admire too, so that’s always fun.  Guess we will head to church.  I hope today is a good start to a new week.

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Middle of winter

It’s finally gotten cold.  I wish that it would snow.  I don’t like summer fires and hope that there is something that shall ensue to help us here rid ourselves of that as a possibility.  I’ll do some snow dances.

My weekend was great.  After my son’s basketball game, I went around to several stores, but I couldn’t find nice cuts of NY strip, and by then it was getting late, so I just scaled down the menu.  (I still had a lot of cleaning to do.)  I made fusilli with roasted tomatoes and braised asparagus and chicken picata.  Of course I laid out a ton of antipasto and also made my famous salad.  I can make steak carbonara another time.  Everyone loved the food.

Then we played The Game again.  I can’t believe how hard I laughed, but because I was at a Boot Camp Saturday morning and the first five sets were based in Crossfit practices, those two things combined have made my abs hurt so bad!  I had nothing left yesterday afternoon after walking my dog, so I ate dinner with my workout partner, took a bath, and went to bed.

I feel good this morning.  The woman who moved six states away emailed again and told me that she was going to send my son a gift if it was ok.  It’s fine.  I know that she would never drink around him again, so she is also welcome to visit this summer.  I guess that now that the last two women who I have dated have actually mattered, I can work a little for amiability.  It’s easy with her, because there is no romantic love or passion there at all.

Not the case with my ex at all, and that is going to be so difficult to navigate.  I know that it’s foundational to be nice and kind to someone.  She just doesn’t seem to be able to do that with me, so it should be a non-issue, but it’s not.  I know that I deserve to be treated as well as I treat her, but the gloves are just off (Or is it my clothes?) after we hang out for awhile.  I wish that we got along, but we don’t, and she doesn’t have time for me really anyway, or would she be willing for us to see someone.  I guess that I have ultimately come to that she needs someone who is unaffected by her moods.  I’m just not that mellow.

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Peeps

Well, I get a three-day with my son this weekend, which is good.  I spent this weekend getting lots of things done, so I didn’t have as much time to clean because I also went out on Saturday.  This weekend, I should get some solitary stuff together for my son to do inside the house because his bday is next weekend and we should save money.  I have Happy Hour on Monday, so that is my adult social thing that I will do.

My friend who just turned 37 is so cool–we went out for her bday on Sat.  She has an arty way about her, but she also tends toward connecting well with the person who she is talking to.  She was very late, so I talked with one of the bartenders in this trendy spot.  He came over and said, “Can I get you something?”  I told him that I didn’t  know that my friend would be this late, and he said, “I’m like that too.”  I nodded and then said, “Oh?’  He told me about his 8-month relationship and how his girlfriend can’t stand his running late, and then I said, “Well, she is an amazing person, and we all have faults so I don’t really care about this fact.”  He smiled and laughed.  I elaborated and explained how if you are basically a good person and just do one thing, and you probably don’t always do it, as long as it isn’t a dealbreaker, it doesn’t affect anything that much.  He said, “Well, I didn’t ever come to her late until after 3-months.”  I told him that everyone does nice things for three-months, and if he really wants to change this fact about himself, he can develop new habits.  He said, “I was so fucking bored.  Some of the people who come in here are…  You’re so for real!”  I congratulated him on his 8-months and he bought me a drink.  Because she got there an hour-and-a-half past our start time, I was there for five-hours.  They have cool art though, and we enjoyed that and brilliant conversation.

I talked to one of the soloists at church yesterday.  In fact, we had a long conversation.  She is soft butch and has incredible eyes.  She and her partner have two kids.  She works for an agency in private practice and has all her clinical hours done too.  Anyway, she asked if my bday twin was my gf.  I said, “No, she’s straight, and I outgrew that at 22.  I’m also very single.”  She has been with her partner for five-years and married for three, and she said, “I have outgrown that too, but it just took me awhile.”  I told her that from the security point, that it is heartbreaking for me, so I will not be doing it, and she talked about the thrill of the catch.  I realized that I have really gotten old.

Five couples will be at the dinner party next month.  After you hang out with that many happy people, you have to have some good energy.  One of my friends who is coming said, “I think it’s lesbian osmosis.”  I laughed and thought that was pretty good, but what I really want to do in general is be around people who I can laugh with and feel their happiness.  One of my good friends and her gf came over for dinner last night so that my first introduction to her would not be the party, and they are really into each other, but they are new. Lots of things will settle in this year and her girl is a major extrovert and my buddy is very private, and quiet.  I’m not sure how that dynamic will be for the long haul, but my friend and I have been friends for five-years, so it would have been really weird not to invite her.  One of the other couples does nearly the commute that I just had.  They are extremely happy too, because they made an incredible impression on my friend who was home for her bday and the holidays, so I think that it will be good to be with them too.

I like to be around happy people.  I like to joke lightly with folks when they get too serious or they don’t see the humor in lots of situations.  I like stimulating conversation and want to share some of my hobbies with a woman.  I especially want to cook for her. As I begin these pre-dating ventures, I will bring a buffer person or couple to my house, so that when I’m going to bed, I can just say, “Well, goodnight everyone,” and get coats.  I’m not about to engage in physical intimacy until I have some good data about a girl, and good or bad, that does take time.

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Weekender

We are going out in a slightly larger group than the ones in which I typically go in tonight, and then tomorrow night I’m buying one of my fellow students and soon-to-be MH colleague a couple of drinks for her bday.  Later I’m supposed to meet a couple of friends at a different bar, but I have to run about half an hour after work at the Rec Center, so they will have to meet us where we are starting out.  Then we are going to go over to the other bar.  Before the economy was bad, there were 5 lesbian bars here.  Now there is one and the old owner who used to have two different bars apparently partially manages this one, but does not own it.  Bad economy indeed.

My friend is actually hosting a Happy Hour–I didn’t think that it would materialize.  She wrote the word “lez” in a reply to a post that I made on her Wall, and I was surprised, as I was about the assertion about my having a good networking (Lez) op at happy hour, and apparently she thought that it was a private message.  Hahahahaha!  Happy hour could be really interesting now.  Maybe it will be attended by all men.  I think that is interesting though, as my only complaint about her is that she keeps people around to feel better than them, and writing a post like this, kinda makes that fact public to your friends.

I have said it before and I will make my current intentions public and authentic.  I just want to meet a whole bunch of girls.  I got really burned with my last hook-up in the summer because the girl lacked integrity and was Peter Pan.  I would prefer to spend time with a whole bunch of girls at once over the next five-months or so and then just see which one is looking for an exclusive dating situation and is sexy, funny, smart and balanced.  I do think that connections grow from other people.

Unfortunately, about eighteen-months ago, I had gotten out of a very weird two-year, and met a unique woman who is now my ex.  See I had just been hooking up with the drunk, then this other girl told her that they had to go exclusive and she caved.  I never spoke to her again.  Sound familiar?  I have amazing boundaries with exes.  Then when she contacted me NYE and I read her text NYD, I thought it romantic.  I was in a low place at that point too.  That lasted a month and then ultimatum girl was back in the picture.  The latter started to hurt, but it distracted me from the fact that when she and I spent time together, she was often drunk.  When she moved, I wanted to be done.  She charmed me.  Again, another pattern that I have.  I flew around for a year!

So, now, I want to perhaps meet some girls through others, but don’t want to date for sometime.  I want to hang out and be outside, listen to tunes, communicate, and eat and play cards.  Seriously!  I like to sit and play board games when you have had a whole long time out in the snow or the like.  I need to be upfront and honest about my lack of trust given the Peter Pan.  She introduced herself to me as a teacher and let that lie ride for over two months.  I plan on also using my keen skills of observation while I’m meeting girls.  We shall see how the path to my next girlfriend unfolds.

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Goodness

I had a wonderful day at work yesterday and it felt like a different planet in comparison.  I’m grateful for it.  This night is pretty long for me and I work 11-hours, but I will always hold that working even 14 is waaaay easier than parenting.  That is a full-time job that can push every single button that you have and never ceases.

I’m trying to get my dinner party scheduled.  I was excited to do it over President’s Day, but one couple is going to be out of town.  This was the first holiday weekend that I would not have my son all school year too.  I’m hoping that two weeks earlier will work for all the other couples.

I have a little cold.  Everyone at work is really sick, and I am doing well with just getting extra sleep and eating a ton.  I must have some issues about that though, because I had a weird dream wherein I got together with a friend who I have not seen since June and she was saying to me, “You sure lost a lot of weight quickly and now you gained it back.”  In the dream, I knew that I really hadn’t gained any weight, but kept looking at the legs of my jeans anyway.  I guess that means that although I get home really late tonight, that I need to do cardio.  I will.  It’s not that I’m neurotic about exercise, I can skip, but skipping often makes me feel weird if it goes on for days at a time.  I’m well enough to workout tonight.

This particular friend who I dreamt about and I have had some major differences over the years, but the good thing is that we were able to talk about them.  I don’t trust her explicitly, but I like to hang out with her on occasion and we laugh.  She is the one who worked with the woman who introduced me to my ex ultimately.  She said that she is hosting a happy hour in a couple of weeks.  I will go if it happens.  She is really funny, but I don’t like her treatment of her husband and she talks a ton of smack about people and used to keep folks around for comic relief.  That’s not my thing.  I have a close circle of friends, and don’t need to surround myself with people who I have to feel superior to, because I like to be with people who are easy and fun.

I woke up happy without the aid of the alarm.  I have been up an hour so far.  I’m trying to troubleshoot some problems with my laptop on my own, but may call for support this weekend.  I don’t even have class this weekend!  I need to see who I can eat dinner with on Saturday night.  The one friend with whom I wanted to connect is now out of town, so we shall see.  I don’t want to work and organize all weekend, but would rather keep things in balance.  I feel very good about where I am right now and want to stay here as well as possible.

One of my next goals is that I really want to expand my circle of lesbians and have been wanting to for sometime.  It seems like when they get a new relationship, they really do drop away.  Hopefully, if their relationships continue on a smooth trajectory, they will reach out.  One of my friends has been dating the same girl since late summer and I haven’t even met her yet, and she has been my buddy for five-years!  As I am a firm believer in energy, I want to be surrounded by solid couple energy, so I really hope that I can get all the couples at my dinner party.  I know that we will have fun.  I want to do lots of things to keep this goodness ride goin’

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Adjustments

I recall when my ex and I didn’t hook up for three-months that by the end of the second month, I really wanted some arms around me and some sex.  I told my psychologist (who I pay) that I won’t be getting into that pattern anymore because of the little liar.  It was unsettling that she kept truths from me craftily.  Although it would be nice to sleep with someone, I’d rather it be someone who I really know.

I get that takes time.  It takes a year.  But, conversations about what you want and value can organically develop especially when alcohol is not involved and the convo takes place in the daylight.  So, no more than 2 beers and alternating getting together for dinner and for hikes or bike rides, I think.  I’m not a skier or boarder, so that makes some girls not want to be with me.  However, I do love music.  In the middle of winter you don’t tend to think about outdoor concerts, but those are really fun too.

We hiked and sledded yesterday.  My friend who accompanied me so I had help with our dog and my son, played a bunch of songs in the car that her love interest had sent her electronically.  (She is 12-years younger than me, so I noted gone are the days of the mix tape.  And of course I used to synch my ex’s iPod monthly.)  My friend has started a distance “something” with a guy who lives on the east coast.  She was happy and a good pair of extra hands to have while my son sledded and we waited to hike.

Today friends are coming down for a couple of quiches, hashbrowns, and salad.  They have two kiddos.  I’ve known them 18-years.  I think that we will have fun.

I had this running argument with my ex that I ran by my psychologist, and that is that you can tell a lot about a girl by the way that she treats and responds to her friends.  She agreed with me and said that just knowing a woman’s friends is good information, but my ex always said that stakes are way too high in love relationships so it’s not comparable.  My ex thought that quality of friendships and feedback that you get from your friends has no relationship to your love relationship.  Even her best friend in the world was one who she would talk smack about, and I could never understand that because she would do anything for my ex.  You don’t have to agree with a person’s choice of partner, but it makes hanging out in pairs much easier.  So I thought about that this morning–meaning who your friends decide to marry or co-habitate with and it’s effect.

I think that I could ignore a partner who doesn’t treat my friend well.  In fact, I pretty much do.  My best friend who lives locally and is a woman, has a husband who is literally never home and doesn’t seem to make the kids clean up or do any chores. There is more to it too, but I just give him a hug and move on, because I’m not married to him.  My ex says underhanded things directly to the face of her best friend’s partner–one that I could quote was a crack about being overweight.  Another time, because she is incredibly quick, she said a disarmingly mean thing that let her best friend’s partner know that she was intelligent.  I think my ex lives to make others uncomfortable when her insecurities are taped.  There were also those miserable dog walks that we took wherein she’d scream at her dog because she was conducting smell fests more than walking.  She also used to throw the leash down.  I definitely get that type of response!

Like I did last summer, I’m adjusting to being single.  However, I’m different because when we tried late summer to see (just the months of our bdays), and she started her fickle dance of breaking plans when she wanted to and then unloading on me when it hurt my feelings, I just bailed.  Then when she said we weren’t priorities in each other’s lives and I lost it, she did a great job of not yelling back at me, but upon reflecting, she only was calm because she had never seen my lose my temper.  The latter is not pretty.  I’m done, done now.  I’m productive and using schedules and getting organized for the final legs of my doc too.  I think that when you tell a woman that you don’t want to approximate dating anymore, you have really ended it.  When I didn’t go to her party at the beginning of last month, I think that caused her to move even further from me.  So, then like she does with friends, she said things that sit oddly and then hurt later.

I definitely need to use my skills of observation when I start dating.  Having one girl who checked her watch and the another reflect on how feminine her ex was while I was next to them naked, has left me cautious to say the least.  I still want a girl who wants to be with me.

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Not bad at all

I got up very early this Sunday morning, but it’s not a big deal, because I don’t have too much to take care of anyway.  I laughed really hard again last night and had such a splendid time.  When I’m with people like I was last night, they really meet my needs.  My good friend and I had about an hour to talk before one of the new couples who I’ve just started hanging out with got to my house.  I cleaned up quite a bit too.  Then we ate a salad, linguini and clam sauce, and I made veggie sausage and peppers with the best seitan product that I think is available.  I seem to make friends who are vegetarian all the time.  In fact, when I was at the Post Office yesterday I was in line between two of them who talked to me at length.

We ate the dinner and then we played this game wherein you pass four pieces of paper in a set continually to your neighbor.  The game works best played in even numbers because you alternate writing a statement or drawing a picture.  So, I would write something like, “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush,” and pass it and the three blank papers clockwise, and you’d read that statement and then draw a visual representation of some birds probably, and a hand and bush.  After you were done with your art, you’d pass the pile again leaving only your drawing exposed so that the next person has to write a statement about the picture.  After four passes, you get your statement back and it’s funny to see the story evolution.  You eventually get back yours, and you have two pictures and one other statement if you play with four people like we did last night.  Then you can lay out sequentially the story.  We laughed really hard and the couple had brought their dog too, so mine was glad to have her girlfriend.  (They had hiked two weeks ago together.)

I’ll probably keep saying it…  I don’t desire a clone, but rather want a woman who is good to me.  Kindness is not that tough.  I don’t think that assuming the best really is either prior to living together for a longer period.  I do think that in time, little things start to bug someone.  I like the talk that I watched given by an anthropologist who said that you are able to get a significant dopamine hit many years into your relationship by varying your sexual routines or simply laughing a whole bunch.  I love the latter and definitely am looking for that in my next girlfriend too.  It is work to make me laugh, but it’s really easy for me because I can read people easily, so I can fairly quickly gauge what they will find funny.

I’m going out on NYE.  I want to find a good, smaller venue like I was in last year.  I can’t stomach the huge dance club and really don’t desire any Dickensian Lesbian Nightmares.  However, I can stomach meeting some nice girls to talk to and getting some numbers and the like.  I’m sure that there are funny nice ones all over the city.

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Sweet Spot

Good, solid sleep, tons of laughs last night, and nothing urgent to take care of today leads to bliss.  I’m not going to do anything but make a self-addressed postage ready shoebox and take my dog to the Dog Park.  I need to retrieve my best pair of Birkenstocks.  Otherwise, I plan on cleaning, organizing, paying bills, and doing one simple write up that will take me 15-minutes.  I think that I will cook a few meals too.  I have decided not to drive anywhere far away today.  My son and I are spending the entirety of NYD on a farm, so I don’t need to go anywhere in particular today.  I have my easy three weight sets, but that won’t take much time.  I also need to really start squaring away my house.  I want to be done with that chore by Monday afternoon.

I got that perfect amount of sleep last night.  I feel pretty good today less a little headache and very slight sore throat, but I think that’s just because having my humidifiers set up needs to happen.  I can probably do that today.  One of my best friends is coming over for dinner tonight.  She is pretty amazing and has lived in HI and in CA for sometime, and is just home for a bday and Christmas trip.  She is my water and dog person friend.  We should do her chart tonight as that seems odd for a Cap.  She probably has a Water Moon as do I, or has an Ascendant that is water-based.

Someone read my entire blog, and that has never happened.  I keep wondering if it’s an ex.  I’m kinda an ex-collector, sadly, and it is as a reader aptly put–although I can’t accurately quote–you don’t have to keep a staple around for a decade when you know it isn’t really going to nourish you and feed your soul long-term.  It reminded me of when I was lamenting my 2009 – 2012 relationships and my psychologist who I pay said, “You didn’t marry either of them.”  And that’s true.

I had coffee with a fellow student and soon-to-be MH colleague, and she told me that regardless of how beat up I felt in my last relationship as a result of being constantly criticized and sized-up in general, that I have to remember that in addition to needing to control others, there are some people in this world who deep inside are not happy and don’t feel like they are good enough or simply worthwhile.  She told me that sometimes these people need to disparage others to simply know that they are better.  Another reader wrote that when you are with a “fault finder”–I love that phrase, btw–they get into your head and undermine your sense of self and your role in your relationships.  I’m grateful to have only been with one in 38-years.

My lessons are to stay fit and get good food and sleep.  I also want to avoid sizing others up or criticizing others in their journey.  I do realize that some people’s lives would not work for me, but unless they bitch about it all the time, it is working (somehow) for them.  I just am.  I don’t have the desire to feel better than anyone else.  I can wish everyone well and be neutral or just avoid people who tend to not feed my spirit.

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New feelings

I didn’t feel like I do now after my coming out affair ended, and I definitely didn’t feel this way after I ended it with the drunk.  Then I was ecstatic, which wasn’t all that good because I started communicating with my ex pretty close to right afterward.  I need some down time to just reflect on what I want before I date again.  I didn’t do that last time around, which is why they were both controllers, addicts in their own ways, and not communicative.

I need to be outside.  I need to laugh like I did tonight.  I need stimulation and connection like I had over coffee.  I need to be attracted to a girl and for her to find me attractive too, so we can have that chemical hit when we connect.  I learned today while reading some research that when you get away, vary your routine, or add a lot of laughs and ease that you can have sex like you did in your first year within your ltr.  That gives me hope.  Also hopeful is that I have some new friends who deeply love each other and have been in an ltr for years.  I want that.  I don’t like the fade.

I also don’t like feeling sad.  It’s finally completely over, and I know it.  It’s different this time and we probably won’t see each other for a really long time.  The latter is ok because then I’m hoping that her rage toward me has subsided somewhat.

I’m culpable only for not wanting to put up with ill treatment, but she’s not used to anyone challenging her or even disagreeing with her.  I’ve watched her say, “He is pissing me off calling all the time.  I think that he just needs me more than I do him,” about her best friend, and I have seen her have periods of silence with her manager wherein it just has to blow over because she does not budge or try to talk through work conflicts.  That’s what she’s used to.  In fact, I recall when we were working in a couple’s book that she had never been broken up with ever anyway.  And I didn’t really break up with her, because she started this dance over a year ago and I just buckled and started agreeing with her after three-months of break-ups.

Being pushed away just is deadly.  I was so demoralized for so long and really wondering why I was such a bad person?  I do think that you can be mismatched with someone, but really I do think that some people just naturally find faults.  I don’t want that because I really have a belief that everyone is doing the very best that she or he can with what they’ve got.  That belief includes me, because I always try the very best that I’m able.

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I have a day completely off tomorrow

I should probably take my dog on a long hike again on Saturday.  I need to think and she needs to run and get crazy.  Although I should have never let her off-leash, it was beautiful on Christmas Day.  With an entire day off, I should spend some of it at higher elevations.

It’s weird to spend as much time as I did second guessing myself.  I like to think that I’m “over” my childhood, but I obviously am not if I’d let a woman treat me like shit because she had a bad year.  I’m very sorry that my ex lost her father and that does the single parenting thing with a toddler.  I started the latter when he was 21-months old, and it is really rare–happens once or twice a year–for him to be away more than two days and that only is twice a month.

I have had my thoughts and have done some soul searching stuff. She deserves to find someone who can tolerate her moods.  And I do think that it is possible that when she meets her future partner, she will just be less critical of her.  Even with reflecting, it is not ok to say the things that she does to me even though she is grieving and has a tough road.  That’s displacement, and I want a partner who can say when she is angry or hurting instead of attacking.

I have a business meeting and then I have supervision over lunch today.  Afterward, I need to motor at home to get it straightened completely.  A friend from high school is in town tonight so I’ll go out for a little bit.  I was out a little last night as well because my friend needed my support given her husband’s health.  He has had one surgery and will probably need chemo.

I want to meet my next girlfriend through connections or activities if possible.  I’m really an avid hiker and don’t bike too much when it’s this cold.  The first day it is 50 and it falls on one of my weekends, I will bike to one of the reservoirs, but for right now, I’ll do my stationary one.  I still try to lift 3-times a week too, so I know that I have some good habits to take me through the Winter.

I loved her so deeply.  We had that passionate, animalistic love in addition to that connection thing that keeps convo going and interesting, but we never really had a commitment.  She had one foot out and the other one merely tested the waters.  I’m not looking for a life commitment within a year, but I’m not looking for a rollercoaster ride either.  Life is like that anyway, so you don’t want your relationship to be part of the lurching and scariness, but rather you want the belt to ground you.  I’m going to take time and seek something good.

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Want what you got

I know that it is not good to covet.  I get that.  But, my journey right now is spending time with one childless couple and one with a child who have that good thing.  You know what that is.  They get along, and obviously love each other and when you spend time with them you can either feel chemistry or good navigation of the tough stuff or even the little stuff.

My ex e-mailed at some point.  Likely she did so early in the morning.  I’m totally down for a friendship, but I don’t want a close one because I am pushing 40, and now realize that you best friend is your partner.  That is not fair to my next girlfriend to be close with my ex, and hell, it’s not fair to me either.  So, I will read the e-mail sometime after Christmas has passed.  When my son is gone and I’m cleaning and organizing.  I’m not doing it today, because I don’t have the bandwidth for it.

I’m looking for that thing.  The chemistry, the connection, and the endurance in tough times.  I know that there is a girl out there for me.  One who knows that the little silly things are not the deal breakers and that a girl like me doesn’t do any deal breakers anyway.  I don’t quit working or champion mediocrity in any fashion, I don’t cheat, have never been cheated on, or have I had those funky emotional affairs.

So wherever you are right now, I am here.  I have a house, a dog, a kid, a job and a lot of passion.  I have also learned a whole lot on my journey in the past 38-years, but being naturally adaptable and flexible, I always learn more, which makes my chosen occupation a good thing.  Meaning kids have taught me a lot, and I know that my partner can teach me even more.

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Deep inside a shadow

I’m getting ready.  I figured some things out and I feel like this new shift that all of us are supposed to have is happening for me as well.  It’s like emergence.  As there are no coincidences, it is fitting that I had the worse part of a mild flu last night and ran a high, shaking fever.

Everyone has patterns.  So does my ex.  She tends to be a grass is always greener kind of person, and that is where she and drunk are the same.  What she does is she is with someone and misses stuff about her most recent ex.  She used to miss sex with her ex who she had raised her other children with, and last Friday night she told me how she missed her most recent ex (besides me) because of the way she smelled and was such a woman in terms of having candles lit when she got home, etc.  I felt like saying, “Sorry it was always just dinner when we were together,” but instead when she was going on and on about her, I said, “Candles lit, looked beautiful, and dinner made?”  She said no that I was the only woman who ever cooked for her.  But, because she is now in her pattern of missing her ex, she remembers all the good qualities that I don’t have.  I can tell you that I’d rather have great, passionate sex!

The drunk was not exclusive with me until she moved six states away.  That is grass is always greener for her too.  She missed me and realized that she was in love with me when she and I went away to NM together for a weekend, but she was moving to the east coast in a month, so it was bad timing.  She didn’t tell me that she loved me either until I had flown to see her once, and she had just made love to me after she had come for a trip and visit.  At that point, the drunk had flown to visit my son and I about a month after I had visited her back east, and then she professed her love after we had a our first night together.  Although, I did love her, I was never in love with her.  I was slowly realizing that she had a problem with alcohol; honestly she loved the bottle way more than my son for sure.  And I was a distant third.

My ex loves money.  She says all the time that she is not materialistic, but she is.  She hoards material things because she fears an early death and her beautiful little boy being without as she was.  That I do get.  I don’t want my son to feel poor.  I work around the clock because of that issue of mine too.  She and I both had periods in our childhoods with periods of significant poverty.  My son has never known eating shitty food or living somewhere unsavory.  Her son will never know these things either.  So, in that way, we are driven by the same fear.

Grass is always greener and driven by desire for more.  Me?  I just want to find a sexy, bright woman who wants a resolution with me because she knows that I’m worth it.  I’m the one that she wants to build a future with and doesn’t make her feel any longing.  I’ll know when I meet her, and want to start off with let’s figure out what we both do in conflict and talk about it while we honeymoon.  She and I can figure it out…  Together.

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Grief Cycle

I love getting lots of sleep.  I probably would have slept another hour or so, but the alarm called.  Now, I am drinking my coffee and getting ready for my day.  Last night, my clients insisted that I have dinner with them and also asked me to sit at the head of the table.  They also gave me a Coke, so I had to sleep with assistance, as I am quite sensitive to caffeine.  I feel really good though right now and hope that my last day before the paperwork and vacation is a good one.  Yesterday was pretty terrible with the exception of my practicum stuff.

I did, however, get preliminary approval on my study that I have to get completed next year.  That feels really good.  And it was attractive to this particular boss lady in general for all of her settings in which she provides supervision and professional development.  The last thing that I wanted to do was a qualitative study, but I do have a proposal model and the other professor on my committee will guide me to get it done.

So, I guess that I’m saying that I have some hurdles conquered.  That feels good, as I want to go into this year with a different focus, so I think that it will help to truly be moving forward.  I do know that grief cycles, so I will have some bad moments most likely.  But, I have not had any longing for her like I did in the summer, so it’s accurate to say that it probably will not ever get that bad.

At the beginning of November, she had left me a HeyTell saying, “It’s just some days like this one when I miss you so much,” and because she has specific mood cycles which she is at least somewhat aware of, it will likely come at the end of next week or the beginning of the year.  It’s me who is different though, and I won’t be saying, “I love you,” or “I miss you,” at all anymore because the former sends a mixed message and the latter isn’t true.

She is simply moody and gamey, and I would be in complete shock and given pause if she said that she will come down to go swimming on Saturday.  I called her yesterday and said, “I know that your friend has not confirmed whether or not you have Saturday plans, so let’s just say meet at 10 o’clock at the pool and swim, and then come home for lunch and get you guys on your way by 2, so that he can get in a nap,” as he is newly two.  She said it sounded fair and we hung up, and she called back, saying that she hoped that I didn’t personalize her getting ready while we talked, and I said, “No,” and then it was obvious that my son needed me and we needed to interact, so she hung up abruptly.  I was in a Charter School later morning and sent her a picture of a stuffed animal, whose type is an inside joke and she didn’t respond.  Gamey.  As is the fact that she would not tell me when a good night was to talk this week when I have asked this question very simply, and have done so three times since Sunday.  She does this kind of weird shit with her friends too, and I certainly don’t.  But, one does seem to need “stratagems,” as Amelie says when dealing with her.

I can stay balanced and solid and refuse to engage in bullshit.  I’ve gotten very good at that.  I also feel the presence of another right now, and I just don’t think that it is just her ex-partner, so I won’t sleep with her.  I will be telling her that I won’t sleep with her the weekend after this one either.  I don’t think that is appropriate.  It is staying centered honestly.  I want to find my center given that I have so much time off, and that is my plan.  I know that she and I are amiable now, and that is where we need to stay.

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First is to ask

So, I want to live with a girl who is passionate, smart, funny, and stable.  I would prefer to stay 15-miles from here and I don’t want to live in the suburbs or outskirts unless it’s the other city in this area, which is a possibility.  I guess that I’m supposed to get specific about my confidence in finding a relationship that lasts.  I must have to cultivate, seek, and show stability.  I can do that.

There are plenty of reasons that I want to live with a girl.  So, I think that I should start by getting my house completely organized.  Then it’s like I can invite a girl in, so to speak.  My coming out affair lived in a suburb in a pre-fab kinda house, but not a McMansion, and she never bitched about my house.  I miss how nice she was to me.  I know that she never wanted to be a mother, and that I was not super stable, but she was good to me.

How you are good to others is preparing meals, hiking, and laughing, and learning from other’s ways of life.  I hiked with a new friend and her partner on Saturday with our dogs and it was incredible to connect with them and see how genuinely loving they are with one each other.  The right kinda energy is projected when you smile often and connect with your whole heart.  You present being that you are worthwhile, good to spend, time with, and you never isolate.  These types of efforts represent being productive.

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It’s probably always been a no brainer

I was shocked to hear her say that she would co-parent with her ex if she divorced the man and moved back.  It’s so bizarre, but the thing is that it would work for her.  I don’t want to co-parent with another person, but rather desire to live with a woman who builds a household with me.  I just think that she and I just want different things.  Saturday will come and go with no visit from her and her son, and then I will just meet her halfway or something to wish her well the following week.  We can have coffee or a drink and some laughs.  I don’t want to spend the night with someone who is nasty and says shitty things.

I haven’t met anyone who really turns my head and ignites my passions.  It’s funny because those two girls from summer–one date a piece–are obviously interested.  One keeps up contact and the other mentioned me in a comment and is now hosting a Happy Hour.  Neither do it for me at all, so that’s why I know that I have not met a girl with whom I’d like to see if we have that thing.  I am still embarrassed about my sprite-like FB from summer, who was basically a liar, but that was all just part of my journey.

What I have come to is pretty simple.  She is not who I was looking for, and although I did fall madly in love with her, and we talked futures, “our” path never involved her giving anything but just having some space for us.  Meaning that we leave our life in the city and move to a redneck, meth-stricken, semi-rural area and fit into her existing life.  When I started wondering about that, because it was something that she wasn’t controlling, we began our dance of push and pull, which was almost a year ago now.  I just need to bow out of this aspect.  We can be friends and I don’t need to sleep with her.  I don’t want to either.  I don’t need to be contrasted with a woman who moved to get over you and married a man in her mid-40s, or do I need any slights made about my appearance or method of responding to her.  I’m good.

I have never wanted this type of relationship.  I don’t want what my parents have which is rancor in a nearly 40-year commitment.  I’m looking for mutual respect and love.

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Must recall

I was just thinking how “selfish, negative, and creepy” has now been reduced to “not productive,” and the clear contrasts with an ex and some slights about appearance.  I think that I like the former failings better because they are overtly aggressive and not passively aggressive, and again, like I said in October when we had sex outside of the context of relationship, “I couldn’t see having a lifetime of that.”  I still can’t.

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Gotta stick to it

What a weird weekend.  I was so, so, sad too.  I even cried hard on Saturday and was a little teary yesterday as well.  I have  a first grader so the news was just too much for me.  Anyway, I think that is why somethings that she said, and did, kinda hit me in waves and I have decided now that some manner of friendship is what is appropriate with a woman like her.  What she usually does is begins with our contrasts and she told me that I’m not very productive, and that’s not true, so I’m not even giving that much thought.

It started when I confronted her about what I have been feeling, and that is that she is being pursued by someone.  It’s her ex that married the man and moved away, and she said that if she divorces him and moves closer she can be a good parent to her son.  That is bizarre, because she is supposed to be mentally ill and all that, and I would want a helluva  lot more from a second mother to my own son, but what the hell do I know?  She went on and on too about the way that she smelled, how she would have candles lit, and how their lifestyles went together.  So, just reconcile with her, ok?

When she gets physical, it is seemingly out of nowhere and I can’t read it, and I don’t really initiate because that has caused us problems and then she made fun of me when I was shocked.  She also mocked the way I look with my hair up.  She is too conflicted.  I really did the right thing by breaking up with her at the end of September.  I should try to avoid sex with her when the calendar changes to a New Year too, and I think that I can very easily.

I like my improvements in physical fitness that I’ve made and will probably ask her for some advice.  I like some of the domestic things that I have adopted from being with her.  Ultimately, I want to be treated really well and loved for who I am.

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Maxed

You reach a point where you know it won’t work–that is right now–but you want her to be with you because she feels so good next to you.  I couldn’t believe that when she was finally completely done with her ex, that she had a car accident.  Even more incredible is that she still spent the night with me under those circumstances.  I think that she has done some damage to her back, and I’m worried about her in general, but I really can’t wait for her life to calm down some (which probably won’t be until April) so we can investigate.  Now that she is finally financially separated from her ex-partner, she reminisced about her most recent partner and I think is grieving her.  If she wasn’t married to a man, I think that they would still hook up; although my ex never wanted to marry her.  I think that I will invite her down next weekend, and she if she’s willing to come to me, because I want to see what it’s like to have her here on my territory.  I loved laying next to her last night.

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Auspiciousness

Today is supposed to have all kinds of luck surrounding it because it’s the last day that any of us will have that is three of the same numbers.  I was in Chichen Itza in November of 2010 with my ex (the drunk) and scholars showed us the Mayan calendar and then explained how it ran out–solely in terms of record-keeping–at the end of the year in 2012.  We also saw how all parts of the calendar were in 10s.  It was interesting.

I have had some really anxious kids, and I’m assuming that their families are also feeling stressed because the world is apparently ending today according to some extreme Christians.  I will work with two families this evening and support those systems as best as I can.  People are really overwhelmed and it is difficult to not take some of the stress on, so last night, I asked my son if he wanted to ditch his class and hang out and he completely agreed.  I may drop him down to only one dance class and guitar anyway, because I don’t think that he is learning much in his vocal class.  We ate, we read, we drew and then I did two sets with my colleague that was all that I had left in me, so I went to bed.

Historically, although I was born in an even year, odd years have held more fortune for me.  I already have some promise of things to come in 2013, because my Pastor approached me on Sunday and asked me to preach–likely in July.  We talked about it, and I’m excited.  I have to finish my practicum and dissertation next year too.

I wonder if I will want to officially get back with my ex?  I might if she really could learn to fight respectfully.  People who say that they never fight with their spouses and the like are liars.  Conflict is truly inevitable, but comfortably resolving things is an art, which also involves a chemistry between two people.  She and I did the old attack and avoid pattern, which I know can lead to resentment.  Which is why the Friday before the last time that I had sex with her I unloaded on her.  Why should I avoid anymore?  And also, why should I just take her bullshit?  It turned out that I didn’t hear her correctly, but since we are not dating, I just apologized and then chatted a bit.  A few hours later I wanted her, so I drove up there late that night and it was nice.

I believe in synchronicity and the lack of coincidence and that circumstances reveal themselves to you on your journey and will continue to do so in slightly different ways until you face them and move through them.  I have not moved through a relationship like this though.  There are only two that have ever had any hold on me, and both of them are still people with whom I have contact because of their lasting impacts on my journey.  In college, I had the healthiest relationship that I have ever had, because the girl was very healthy.  Unfortunately, I was not well and just moving through some of my past, so I was not always nice to her.  I have apologized several times and reminisced about good memories with her.  My ex-husband and I do some co-parenting, so I do have a relationship with him as well.  It seems to me that my ex, is not all that much of an ex, so we shall see what fortune brings with her in the next several months.