I should probably take my dog on a long hike again on Saturday. I need to think and she needs to run and get crazy. Although I should have never let her off-leash, it was beautiful on Christmas Day. With an entire day off, I should spend some of it at higher elevations.
It’s weird to spend as much time as I did second guessing myself. I like to think that I’m “over” my childhood, but I obviously am not if I’d let a woman treat me like shit because she had a bad year. I’m very sorry that my ex lost her father and that does the single parenting thing with a toddler. I started the latter when he was 21-months old, and it is really rare–happens once or twice a year–for him to be away more than two days and that only is twice a month.
I have had my thoughts and have done some soul searching stuff. She deserves to find someone who can tolerate her moods. And I do think that it is possible that when she meets her future partner, she will just be less critical of her. Even with reflecting, it is not ok to say the things that she does to me even though she is grieving and has a tough road. That’s displacement, and I want a partner who can say when she is angry or hurting instead of attacking.
I have a business meeting and then I have supervision over lunch today. Afterward, I need to motor at home to get it straightened completely. A friend from high school is in town tonight so I’ll go out for a little bit. I was out a little last night as well because my friend needed my support given her husband’s health. He has had one surgery and will probably need chemo.
I want to meet my next girlfriend through connections or activities if possible. I’m really an avid hiker and don’t bike too much when it’s this cold. The first day it is 50 and it falls on one of my weekends, I will bike to one of the reservoirs, but for right now, I’ll do my stationary one. I still try to lift 3-times a week too, so I know that I have some good habits to take me through the Winter.
I loved her so deeply. We had that passionate, animalistic love in addition to that connection thing that keeps convo going and interesting, but we never really had a commitment. She had one foot out and the other one merely tested the waters. I’m not looking for a life commitment within a year, but I’m not looking for a rollercoaster ride either. Life is like that anyway, so you don’t want your relationship to be part of the lurching and scariness, but rather you want the belt to ground you. I’m going to take time and seek something good.