Vees

So, I’m on page 126 in the Sheff (2013) book and thinking about my past relationship with the woman who got a transplant recently as well as thinking about what I’ll never do again. It probably helps to review, but if you’re interested in the slightest, please read “Waiting or Dying.”

When I met her, I just wanted to hook-up and we did that for a couple of months. Then she pared down lovers and it was me and one other woman. We were eventually a vee. I knew about it with a great level of detail, and the other woman knew little about me. One time she had texted me, “Do you have earrings with _____?” I can’t remember what she texted. I texted back, “My ears aren’t pierced.” And she had texted something to the effect that she knew that I “could handle her asking about the earrings.” By that time, I don’t think that she was having sex with anyone but me and one other woman. We were a de facto vee after my girlfriend couldn’t manage her “kid in the candy store” stage. I was so busy with a preschooler that I could just sleep with her every other weekend.

I don’t want that ever again. The other woman was insanely jealous of me, and when my girlfriend moved, I was just glad that she was 6 states away. I wasn’t ever jealous. After she pursued me because the other woman was out of the picture, I couldn’t let go of that she really didn’t ever choose me. Being exclusive with me was an extension of her pervasive complacency. Our foundation was built on nothing, and we ended with nothing. How you start out does matter.

I don’t want to have or be a primary partner. I want an honest rotation. A quad would be ideal. I understand that the network would be complex, and I have no need to know much about any of the women in my partners’ networks. I would be fine if my partners wanted to zoom, phone or have a quick meeting, but that would not be something that I’d want. I just want a clean STI test and I’ll give one too before intimacy.

I would still like to hold hands, snuggle and kiss whoever I want to, and think that works fine too. If someone in my quad wants to sleep with an entire network that is totally fine with me too, and I know that I could manage around three significant relationships. Again, when there is time in between having sex, I won’t have sex with a woman until I see a newly dated STI document.

I don’t want weird jealousy ever again. I don’t want to ever listen to someone bitch about a woman in their network either.

We live way past 25 now. In some cases, a relationship can last forever and be very good. People dynamically grow and change together. Otherwise, I think that we’re meant to have many relationships. I personally want to have safe, honest, and relationships built on emotional intimacy. And like my friendships, I want to have many.

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

4

I like Astrology.  I don’t have much use for anything past an ascendent, but I think Sun, Moon, and Ascendent are cool, and of course, I do think about Venus placement right now too, but I don’t think much of the other planets in daily stuff.  Anyway, in the summer time when my ex was planning her coup (Meaning that she was ready to sleep with me after a three month hiatus.) she said that her soul number was 9 and that mine was probably 9 too based on Astrology and bday and stuff.  It’s not. It’s 4.  Apparently, you get along best with your soul number when it’s the same or if you’re even, being with another even number.

I had some weird stuff transpire on Tuesday and a friend of mine gave me some immediate feedback.  In the end, she had seen a sign off of a road with the word, “Fair” on it, and the first date of the fair was her Mom’s bday, and the second date of the fair was the day that she was in surgery to save her Mom’s life. (Her mother did not live.)  Later she sent me a HeyTell at 4:44 having no idea that 4 is my number and said that she was thinking of that sign “Fair” and that she was between two cars.  One was 444 in the number section, which her Mom always said is an angelic number, and the one behind her was 999.  So, I don’t think that it is time to do the “friends” card with my ex.  Some day, maybe, but right now I just don’t want any of her energy and definitely not her non-emotional, rational, and combative self that she is championing at this point in time.  She is on her own path.

So, I had an incredible day yesterday.  I had to confront a colleague about her insensitivity and general lack of professionalism.  I had to give a parent a good news, bad news scenario about her 11-year-old in terms of ability and possible diagnosis.  My client who really needs to (by her own admission) stay consistent with her counseling just skipped session without so much as a text.  And, I ran a 5K on the treadmill.  My heart rate average was 160 as well.  I also was able to talk to my workout partner for the duration, so I have built up some endurance.  I would like to run outside on Sunday, so I’m going to with her.  I have not ever done pavement–well, not since 6th grade.  Our family 5K is next Sunday.  Our dog is so crazy that I’ll have to get in a zen place with her darting and beg the nature Gods not to put a rabbit in our path.

It sure is rare to be a licensed psychologist in the area where I work.  I’ll probably have to leave, which is just part of my journey.  It’s inconvenient, and will involve probably my getting on the road thirty minutes earlier than I do now, which will be challenging for my son, but I think that it’s time for me to move on to a place where I can get settled.  I also have to complete this doc, so it’s the last step.  I will need to stay put though, if they complete my training.  That sounds like I’m becoming a Jedi…  I wonder what Yoda’s soul number was?

A little dangerous

My weekend was good all and all.  My friends made us a simply wonderful dinner on Saturday night and hanging with them is always incredible.  I have great friends.  My son got too tired from all the activity on Saturday, so he was a bit grouchy and annoying on Sunday, but today he made up for it.  I love watching his dance class.  I have only rarely missed it–like maybe four times in a year.  He talked my ear off all night otherwise, we had a wonderful dinner and our house is clean and nearly all organized.  I also made a helluva dent in my dissertation shell today.  All very good.

The weekend had a small thing come up…  I was with only one of the girls who made me a dinner a couple of weeks ago (It was the one who actually cooked.) over on Sunday.  She hung out with me for about three-hours too.  I wish that she wasn’t 5’8″, hot, and smart.  We laughed.  She played with my son–which would NOT be occurring if she was a love interest–and we took a walk around the pond and then she did the cutest thing…  She asked to swing with me.  Damn.  Can you say, “CONTRAST?”  So sweet and tender.  It is a bit worse because although I’ve known her a little less than a year, it feels like more because one of my best friends (who now lives in another state) is her BFF.  We just gel and click and I’m so comfortable with her.

I told two friends today that means that I can’t really hang out with just her again.  And, I won’t.

Now, I just really do need a distraction.

I ran finally tonight.  I don’t know how long it’s been since I actually worked out at all.  I’m drinking chicken broth with garlic and cayenne currently.  I could only run a little over a mile.  I had some wicked coughing fits today.  Tomorrow is my A weights, which is probably my least favorite day of the week, so “Yay, me!”  It’s really nice not to have clients tomorrow.  I have to work tomorrow night, but will score and write a report after my son goes to bed.  I don’t have to be away from him which is very nice.

That’s it.  A dirty confession.  Given that I was raised Catholic, it actually makes me feel like shit, but I have never cheated and am not going to start at 38-and-a-half.

Ready, set

I saw the best thing early this morning when I woke up to have a coughing fit.  It was one of those Venn diagrams, which are often touted by educators, but it has three overlapping circles with “self” inside of it.  It was in a blog.  I had to post it.  Captions at the tops of each of the circles talked about what people need from people in their lives.  I’m paraphrasing here, because I closed my social media site after posting it–after all I’m in the mode to unplug except for this activity.  Self included: people who always make you smile, people who always teach you something new about the world, and people who you want to spend the rest of your life with, which applied to self, which was actually the word “you” on the diagram.  That’s it.

I’m pairing down.  I only kept non-close people in this first round of unfriending from my church community, because you do see them every Sunday, and could wind up cleaning up their yards and doing food drives for them.  Plus, not to be homocentric, but it’s something that I’ve noticed over the last 18-months, they would do anything for my son.  Tons would show up if he were sick, and probably some of them who I have never said a word to or even made eye contact.  I think because many of them never wound up having kids, they love the few kids who attend church.  Some of them know who I am too.  As an example, a guy and his boyfriend grabbed me as I was exiting the large liquor store that is part of the local grocery store that I use.  He said, “We go to your church.  We love to hear you read.”  I don’t think that I’ve mentioned prior that I have a husky, radio voice.  No clue who this guy is.  But, connection would be extended in the other direction if he or his bf were sick or something.  You help people in your community.

I don’t want former colleagues who don’t keep up with my son on there.  I don’t want people who don’t have similar values on there.  I don’t want any exes on their except for my second girlfriend, who I lived with for three years in college.  She is barely bi.  I am the only woman who she has had sex with, and she has two kids, a straight marriage, a great career, and lives 350-miles away from me, because I went to college out of state.  She also relentlessly teases me, has known me 20-years this fall, and will “get” me on some levels that new people just won’t.  Of course, my ex-husband is also on there, but shit, I’ve known him 19-years this fall, and we share a child.  He doesn’t really get himself on the whole, but he is part of my life.  My ex-gf from college falls in the “make me smile,” and “someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with.”

Church girl never wrote back.  I recall, I believe that she promised to call after our first date as well, and never did that–although, I did have to cancel our second date.  I don’t think that she’s consistent.  That’s something that I am.  I’m also willing to work hard and see things through.  Please recall that I wrote the apology to her more for me, because I wanted her to know what truly was bad timing and that I believe she will have peace, prosperity, and a wonderful girl in the future.  Her first partner died.  I don’t know how.  But, we are not dating, and I made my honest, authentic olive branch.

My ex cannot always make me smile.  Mostly because interactions with people is chess with her.  She must control all moves.  My ex taught me 4 new lessons about the world.  I thanked her for those the before the last time that I saw her.  My ex is not someone who I want to spend the rest of my life with.  I’m glad that we dated, she left good lessons for me, but I don’t want to see her or seek her out.

I’m really ready to move forward.  I’m so good on my own and can chill with friends in three to four hour intervals any day of the week.  They are my family.  I have a beautiful son.  Our dog is very sweet.  I have kept my house and my car and have stayed afloat amidst pay cuts and huge health insurance hikes.  I’m set for a future, and very much looking forward to the next steps on this journey.

Steps

So, I don’t think that the girl from church will go out with me.  That’s fine, because I probably present to her like a cautionary tale.  Let’s rewind.  After the tragedy that took place this summer, we were at a prayer service together.  That’s because on occasion, I had been looking at her across church and I thought that she was cute, but at the time, which was last spring, I was trying to sort out my shitty relationship, but was still very much in love with my ex. Post-it note that one.  It’s an important key to me and who I am.

This past summer I did not sleep with my ex.  In fact I did not sleep with my ex for three months, and then we reconnected for two months and slept together outside of the context of relationship until winter began.  I have been single (COMPLETELY) this winter.  I am proud of that, because I have mindfully and with lots of reflection moved through our break-up.  I have also gotten to a point wherein I am not consciously looking for anyone.  I honestly believe that a girl will cross my path.

Flashback to summer: After the regular church service ended, I talked to this girl finally.  We had a good conversation, and then she told one of the transgirls in the congregation and one of her good friends that she was going to sit with me.  We attended a prayer service.  I had been sleeping with Peter Pan a bit, but when her bullshit / lies unraveled and she got clingy, I told her that this was not the stuff of slow, getting to know you dating.  I bounced.  So, I figured since I did, I’d ask out the girl from church.  I did.

We had a great first date.  We walked from church to a neighboring park.  We ate homemade pasta salad and summer fruits and drank sparkling water.  We walked around the park several times, and unfortunately she got blisters 😦  Then I walked her back to her car and told her that I’d like to see her two weeks from now and have a drink.  At the time, I didn’t know that she was a recovering alcoholic.  I don’t know all of her story; although, I do know a lot about her.  Anyway, I told her that I had a great time, and then I embraced her.  She pulled me closer and then pressed her abdomen on mine.  I’m pretty sure that she wanted me to kiss her, but Peter Pan took a lot out of me the month before.  I no longer trust girls who I don’t know.  I pulled away–I didn’t even put my face in her neck–and then she grabbed my bicep and also ran her hand down my arm.  That was clear.

Then, my ex did a powerplay that week and came down for dinner so we could “talk.”  Fuck?  Yes.  I tried really hard those two months, and didn’t talk to the girl from church on the phone again until October.  She also knows that my ex has historically driven me nuts.  She probably won’t go out to dinner with me.  I get it.

I really don’t need any friends.  There are several who I miss so much and who I don’t get to see.  One of whom has four kids, and is really the sole supporter of them, so I really do have to come to her.  I don’t though.  I haven’t seen her since October either.

Back to one of my values.  I’m monogamous.  Shane was not when I met her, and honestly that didn’t matter all summer that we had sex.  At that point in my life–I was newly out and 34–I didn’t care to have a girlfriend and just wanted an FB.  Sleeping with Shane has lots of benefits.  She gives, which is unique for a woman like me who had two str8 girl gf’s as a adolescent.  And she is very good at what she does.  However, once you have slept with Shane for some time, it gets perfunctory.  It always works because Shane is after all pretty much a sex addict, but it lacks spontaneity and connection.  The sad thing about Shane is that she always used to say to me, “Don’t fall in love with me.”  She said that all summer and then for about four months that winter that we reconnected.  However, she stopped saying it when we went to NM.  Because she fell in love with me.

That was pretty consuming.  To have Shane fall in love with you!  So, I tried with her, because I am monogamous and because having a girl like that fall for you certainly gave me lots of pause.  Plus, she told me in NM that I was the best lover that she ever had.  She still says that to this day, and talks about missing our sex life.  I won’t ever sleep with her again, because we were really just a summer fling.

I didn’t care who Shane was sleeping with the summer that we met.  Later in winter when she reconnected with me on NYD and told me, “I’ve missed you so much.  I have never stopped thinking about you,” I thought that we could just date.  No, Shane also loved the love triangle.  I told her in a letter the following summer (after we had known each other a year) that she really liked juggling two women, and that it was highly unlikely that you could meet your one in a bar.  I wrote, “You liked the Pepsi Challenge of the triangle.  I.E. “Let me service her, and then get my needs met.”  She didn’t like that and just went off on me.  That’s my thing really.

If I say something to a girl that is my belief, why can’t she just say, “I get that you see it that way, and here is my perspective.”  I even talked to Bette about my trying hard, but it was not enough because it left her feeling that I had zero compassion.  That’s her perspective.  My being the sole driver, making meals, tending to her boy occasionally (I love him so much.) while she showered or whatever, making pictures, writing out cards, and just shutting up and holding her was not enough.  To her, I lacked compassion, was creepy, negative and selfish.  Although, I don’t get why she’d feel that way about me, but I do honor that is her perspective of who I am.  In that case, it means that we should not have a connection anymore.  I don’t know anyone who thinks that when I make efforts, that is who I am.

I have taken to writing to a mystery girl in pen at night before I go to bed.  I’d like to meet a new girl.  So, I write about good hugs, good conversation, passion, and connection.  I don’t write about good conflict resolution skills, but I think that those are of value too.  Can you call in your one by putting out intentions to her?

Nakedly mean is back

I told her that we didn’t have bad timing because she already has a girlfriend.  Then she unloaded on me and said that I completely lack compassion and that is something that she never understood.  Frankly, I got sick of the “timing” card, which was always bullshit, so I called that.  She admitted that she never wanted to drive to me so she could see me.  That is what stung the worse, and I always assumed it.  I get being tired, but my world is that it is always better when I wake up next to a woman when my week has been long or bad–but I didn’t say that.

All of these exchanges are via email.  I told her that I don’t know a single person who thinks that I lack compassion and I listed all the straws that I grasped at including always driving to her–sometimes several times in the same weekend–just to be with her to support as best as I could, especially after she lost her father.  She does not acknowledge that, and it’s because all people have drawbacks to her.  They are failing her.  They don’t give her an even exchange of what she gives them.

People do have weaknesses.  People do fuck up.  Maybe that’s true, but I don’t lead with them, because I would be sad and miserable.

Additionally, I told her that because I don’t know anyone who thinks that I lack compassion, I am not meant to be close with her, and she agreed.  We will see how long.  I don’t care though.  I tried to be her friend, but she has this bizarre flavor wherein she lists what a great woman I am and how “proud” she is of me, only to then tell me that I lack compassion.  She must still think that I am creepy, negative, and selfish too.  Again, those are not things that even my good friend who I have always had since 5th grade thinks.  Consensus is that I’m direct, honest, and straightforward.  I’ll take the consensus, because I only entertain a friendship with her for a day or two.  In fact, I only entertained a relationship in the same manner after September.  I told her that we don’t show up to the external world in the same way and that I wish her peace.

So, I have a few sentences.

  1. Fine.  How are you?
  2. Good.  Just working.
  3. Great.  He is doing tons.
  4. How are things for you?
  5. Hours for school are hard.

Cool!  I have read enough Hemingway to be able to do this stuff well.  That’s it.  It’s on a rolodex.  (However in the days of SIM cards and synching your email to your phone, those days are over.)  But, I can open this entry when she does get in touch with me again so I have my list.  Those are the ONLY things that I will say to her.

My girl from church and I didn’t get to talk on the telephone yesterday.  Damn.  I think that she likes being pursued though.  I don’t have time for that though, and haven’t had to do it much.  I came out at 33.  I lived with my college gf, and my hs gf lived across the street from me.  I’ve never had to pursue much, and generally do like the quote that those who want to be caught are the true catches, so I’ll just wait to hear from her.  That is what is best with introverted Water Signs.  And believe me, I have had three–fourteen-years worth–and also a few dates with a girl who was exactly her sign.  The secret is…  Don’t overwhelm them.

She has to work all day on Saturday, and because she has been unemployed for so long, I completely get that.  I left her a VM and said that the offer for dinner is always open, because I’d like to get to know her better and that if I need to get a sitter, so be it.  Yesterday, I actually had to serve communion as well.  She came up in a large group of transgirls and when I smiled at her, she flushed.  It was very cute.  I texted her later that for what it was worth she looked pretty today and I was glad that she took communion from me.  It’s nice to flirt.  I’ll see what transpires.  I do think that summer is a good time for me, and even if it’s super hot and burning again, I have done my hard work moving through a bad relationship, and I even had my sex-only rebound thing.  I’m looking for more.  I’m going to go to my friend’s church a bit this summer too.  I also have two races in April, and then one in June, and one in July, and a cycling event in September.

Church was beautiful yesterday.  Having been raised Catholic, I can’t think of a time that lent has been beautiful, but it was in my church, and the message was that we are not alone ever and that we are all works in progress.  I sat by this guy who I really like.  He is sweet and fairly quiet, but very bright.  He and I both had tears during the service.  My boy came bounding up with paper dolls right before the last prayer for communion–of course with wounds on some of them–and said, “They are all different.”  It seems that they are still doing diversity in the children’s liturgy.

I don’t want to “get things right.”  Rather, I want to move and learn from a woman who walks my path and and I walk hers.  I’m good with being “in progress.”  Remember that Bill Murray only really does want Andie McDowell in “Groundhog Day,” but he has to become well-rounded and authentic before she will even notice him much?  I am good with where I am.  I don’t put others down, and I know that I can be good to those who I know and nurture.

Fears

Many behaviors that we exhibit, which are complex and seemingly not sensical at times, are merely a function of our level of anxiety that we experience when specific in situations.  I am worried about being unable to get along for an hour, but I know that I am much more well-polished with those skills than she is.  For example, I have to see my ex-husband literally all of the time.  I am completing clinical hours after work, so he has to pick up our son after school.  It is rare that we have disagreements and I simply refuse to engage in anything similar to a power struggle with him when he explodes.  About quarterly, he annoys me with an explosion of temper, but I don’t say anything to our son.  I tell him, “I’m not going to engage with you like this,” and I probably could have done stuff like that with my ex too, but she attacks and dehumanizes with her words.  That is for her and her new girlfriend to work out 🙂

She is anxious.  She emailed me five or six times last Tuesday, and last night–very late–she did so twice and from her social media site.  When you have been with a controller and you are trained like I am, you know why she does what she does.  However, I don’t have to open the next email from her, because it’s similar to the first one.  She will not “see” anything, because I won’t open it, and if she really, really wants to share songs with me,  she can email me to my account and send one of those “read upon receipt” sending conditions.  She doesn’t attach a file, but rather says, “I like the beat in this song,” or “You’d love this song.”  Some of these contacts make me feel like she is trying to get me to add her back, but I wouldn’t do that for anything and maybe never.  Wow.  Even Shane is better with following friendship rules.

I had written in some summer entries that what you do for a living does matter.  Peter Pan introduced herself to me as a teacher, but is actually an assistant who does not work full-time.  Not only was it distasteful for her to lie for two months, but it also made her free and easy, fly-by-the-seat of your pants, screw at one in the morning before you go home attitude make a lot of sense as well.  What you do for a living effects your show-up factors.  My ex is used to everyone around her lying to her and getting away with things, so she crafts control through methods that seem legitimate.  I’m just used to her, so I simply know why she does things in the method that she does.  If she can truly switch careers next year, as she has made a good product, she will likely soften some, which will be very good for her son and those who she caretakes.

I told my shrink that because I do what I do, I may be alone forever.  She laughed, and said, “No, but you are likely to be more discerning with relationship.”  What I am really glad about is that when I’m just enjoying–not when I’m fighting or being treated badly–I don’t even think psychologically.  However, when a relationship is ending or has ended, I do know what my exes will do.  Again, I just don’t have to engage.

We need friendship ground rules.  I’ve been thinking that it could be necessary to tell her that I am am very much on-the-fence that we can be friends.  I think that we can be cool and be amiable, but I believe 1) your partner is your best friend, and 2) she is so intense that the level of friendship that she and I would have–meaning with which I am comfortable–would not be fulfilling for her.  What do I want?  Very little to be honest.

Infrequent contact seems more normal to me, as does hanging out annually or a couple of times a year.  I have to also be honest and also say that it would be much easier for me to come over to her house after snowshoeing when I have a girlfriend who is there with me.  There still exists this power differential and I don’t know if she can keep her mouth shut about sex with me.  I guess that many of these musings shall be answered after Thursday.  I have to go commute in through the snow in an hour, so I’m signing off for this day.

Getting there

I wouldn’t say that I was at peace…  But, I would say that it is really nice to have absolutely no contact from my ex–well, with the exception of a bday well wish message for my son that she left last Monday–and be able to continue to realize that she didn’t work for me.  I really don’t want someone who has to complain about me all of the time when finally she has stopped throwing up something that I wrote in my face, which took her ten-months.  I’m not actually sure why 1) I went out on a date with her in the first place, and 2) I went back to her house after that date.  If someone tells you that you are going to be her friend and fires questions at you so she doesn’t have to talk, it is probably just more disarmament.

That’s an odd way to live.  Having superficial friendships with people–because they need you and ask you for advice all the time so you can play dime store psychologist, and you never share anything about you–and then when you have something tripped or you feel fearful, you get the edge in conversation by making others uncomfortable.  I certainly was on the receiving end of both of these things, but I didn’t want her advice, because I don’t need it, and I stopped letting her throw me off balance.  Her exes over the course of her adult life have desperately needed her.  I’d prefer to have a partner, but it’s not a must.  It’s just a value that I have and one that I hope that I do fulfill at some point.  And I certainly don’t need this girl to rescue or save me.

There are some qualities that I’m seeking, but one of my friends said that kind of thinking is dangerous, because it’s difficult to find someone who is seeking the same things as you.  I want to consider her feelings and be a solid girl to fall back on when things are difficult.  I think respect should be paramount for both of us.  I know a lot of things about living, but I’d love to learn more.  When the woman who moved six states away from me and I redefined as a distance relationship, I really liked traveling with her and taking in things.  The only thing that was a disconnect was that she would usually get drunk, and she was unable to hike and walk long distances.  I have learned the importance of getting away though, and that is good.

I don’t think that I took anything away that I enjoyed from my ex.  I just improved myself some.  I have become quite fit, and I think about what I can be doing early to make the evening go smoothly for my son and I.  I just changed some habits as a result of being with her.  I also got a dog for my son, which I think of as an improvement in lifestyle.

I think that I am nearly free from her now.  I dreamt that sent me several texts, and all of them were kind, but I don’t think that is going to happen.  I think that she is done with contacting me because I don’t need her advice, and we can’t be casual.  I am on my road to peace.

Closure

No, that is bullshit, because I don’t believe it.  I just wanted a one word title this morning before I go into work and my night site.  People are dynamic, and as they learn, change, and have other influences which are external or result through connections with others, and they also change with respect to grieving the loss of another or a relationship.  I know myself well enough at this stage of my life that I just wait and think and act when I know that it’s right or it feels like the right thing to do.  When I was younger, I’d fly off the handle and simply react, but I’ve outgrown that.  This change is one of the main reasons that my ex and I wouldn’t work.  She says almost everything that pops into her head and is also hot-headed.  I don’t do that anymore and have learned to simply slow the hell down.

I woke up on Sunday with the drunk heavy in my mind.  After talking to a few people (close friends), I determined that maybe I should confront her in specific about her alcoholism.  Yesterday, this feeling turned to my being worried that something happened to her, so I just e-mailed her.  Turns out that she had her thyroid removed.  We have exchanged some e-mails and I certainly told her that I always worry about her health and what she does to her body that it doesn’t need.  I feel good about my contact too.  She had emailed me 8-mos ago and I only answered it now; although, I did so in a completely new thread.  She said, “I miss you both very, very much,” so this am, not wanting any mixed messages, I told her about my internship plans, my lack of desire to ever move, and that I am seeking a healthy relationship.  However, it is interesting to be back in touch with her.  We have known each other four-years this summer.  Wouldn’t that be great if I could get to this comfy level with my ex?!?  She left a bizarre message for my son on Monday morning.

I don’t believe in closure, but I’m tying up loose ends.  I’m living authentically and mindfully.  I work around the clock, but I still take time for me, connect to my son, and stay fit.  Now, over the next six-months, I want to meet some nice girls.  My cousin told me that I could delay sex about as well as I could grown horns when I was with her last night at Happy Hour.  I just want to actually know the next girl I date.  We shall see.  Or you will, as I nakedly chronicle my many years of dating here!

Weekender

We are going out in a slightly larger group than the ones in which I typically go in tonight, and then tomorrow night I’m buying one of my fellow students and soon-to-be MH colleague a couple of drinks for her bday.  Later I’m supposed to meet a couple of friends at a different bar, but I have to run about half an hour after work at the Rec Center, so they will have to meet us where we are starting out.  Then we are going to go over to the other bar.  Before the economy was bad, there were 5 lesbian bars here.  Now there is one and the old owner who used to have two different bars apparently partially manages this one, but does not own it.  Bad economy indeed.

My friend is actually hosting a Happy Hour–I didn’t think that it would materialize.  She wrote the word “lez” in a reply to a post that I made on her Wall, and I was surprised, as I was about the assertion about my having a good networking (Lez) op at happy hour, and apparently she thought that it was a private message.  Hahahahaha!  Happy hour could be really interesting now.  Maybe it will be attended by all men.  I think that is interesting though, as my only complaint about her is that she keeps people around to feel better than them, and writing a post like this, kinda makes that fact public to your friends.

I have said it before and I will make my current intentions public and authentic.  I just want to meet a whole bunch of girls.  I got really burned with my last hook-up in the summer because the girl lacked integrity and was Peter Pan.  I would prefer to spend time with a whole bunch of girls at once over the next five-months or so and then just see which one is looking for an exclusive dating situation and is sexy, funny, smart and balanced.  I do think that connections grow from other people.

Unfortunately, about eighteen-months ago, I had gotten out of a very weird two-year, and met a unique woman who is now my ex.  See I had just been hooking up with the drunk, then this other girl told her that they had to go exclusive and she caved.  I never spoke to her again.  Sound familiar?  I have amazing boundaries with exes.  Then when she contacted me NYE and I read her text NYD, I thought it romantic.  I was in a low place at that point too.  That lasted a month and then ultimatum girl was back in the picture.  The latter started to hurt, but it distracted me from the fact that when she and I spent time together, she was often drunk.  When she moved, I wanted to be done.  She charmed me.  Again, another pattern that I have.  I flew around for a year!

So, now, I want to perhaps meet some girls through others, but don’t want to date for sometime.  I want to hang out and be outside, listen to tunes, communicate, and eat and play cards.  Seriously!  I like to sit and play board games when you have had a whole long time out in the snow or the like.  I need to be upfront and honest about my lack of trust given the Peter Pan.  She introduced herself to me as a teacher and let that lie ride for over two months.  I plan on also using my keen skills of observation while I’m meeting girls.  We shall see how the path to my next girlfriend unfolds.

Control

I think that I get what I can and can’t control.  You can’t control the way that someone treats you, but you can control how you react to it, and sometimes your reaction is, “I can’t hang out with you,” and that is what I have chosen.  It may be that at the end of February, that my ex and I do go to that show together, but that works well for me and I can even get a cab there if I want because the venue is a very short distance from my house.  (I do really love where I live.)  However, I can say with complete confidence that I won’t be going up there for any reason other than a complete emergency.

It is really wonderful that since I told my ex that I couldn’t even approximate dating because of the way that I feel afterward, she has really not said boo.  She won’t this time, and I can tell, because I may not know her well, but I know exactly how she treats people.  She may not even e-mail at the end of next month, so in that case, I will need to think of someone who should come with me. It really should be my friend who now lives in CA, but she is in an aggressive school program.  I’ll think of someone.

Ultimately, she couldn’t control anything about me.  Certainly she did aggressive and passive aggressive things to me, but those won’t happen anymore either.  It was funny that she always told me that I wasn’t accountable, but I kept wanting to talk to her on the phone since the last time that I saw her and after my asking her three times when a good night was, but wouldn’t even say that she was too busy, but simply wouldn’t answer that question.  I used to think that this stuff was gamey, but it was really just another method of controlling the situation.

I have all the hindsight that I need.  Ever since she started her monthly break-ups, I have written.  Each month I would try to make changes, but mostly what she wanted to change was something that I couldn’t and it was one e-mail that I sent (out of over 40) that she didn’t like because she said it sounded casual.  That is so bizarre.  Then what she did even after she wouldn’t talk about the e-mail in particular is throw up roadblocks.  All of these left me feeling like I was being treated casually.

We never dealt with any issues or talked anything through.  I don’t think that she can either.  She can communicate anger really well, but can’t own when she is upset or work through anything which results in compromise.  I watched her do this dance all the time with work situations, and it’s interesting that there are also people with whom she was extremely close in a personal realm who no longer speak to her.  She can communicate clearly boundaries, and anger, but working through hard things with someone is NOT something that I ever witnessed her being able to do.  Again, it’s her way or there is a punishing that ensues and does not cease.  I would never want to be with her again even if she said that she would really go to counseling.  I’m done.

It is so good to have all of this silence.  And she doesn’t get into touch at all anymore, and somehow, I just know that she won’t.  I can’t control her reaction to me if she runs into me by chance, but I can control my pleasant smile that I will give.  I’m still so glad that I loved that deeply; although, there was nothing in that experience that I could control.  That is the thing that I have yielded from this part of my journey.  I can love fully without any guarantees.

 

The well-examined life

My friend just posted, “When our actions are based on good intentions, our soul has no regrets.”  I try to live my life that way.  I try to be mindful when I’m hanging out with people and connect to them as well as possible.  I looked at art with one of my best friends and her teaching partner yesterday.  We had fun, and I was shocked that she bought me lunch because it is her husband who is now in cancer treatment.  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to her, right?

In addition to having good intentions and always doing the best that I can, I also work really hard at everything.  I give things my all and keep at it even when it seems hopeless.  I think this kind of focus will get me through my doctorate too.  However, because that is kinda me, I want to do it differently this time around when it comes to a girl.  I have been chatting with my friend who had to move to east coast because of her husband’s residency, and I told her that I need lots of dates before I sleep with a girl.  She told me forty and I said, “There is no way on this earth would I ever delay sex for 8-months!”  I don’t think that she “got it” that would mean two months longer than that because I don’t mix my son up ever, so it could be four nights a month, and that would be if she were available twice every other weekend.  Nope.

I had no intentions sleeping with the little liar.  I was not attracted to her, but she was very smart and seemed to have a fighting spirit, so I did wind up sleeping with her after a drunken karaoke night, and sex was that crazy one-night stand-style, but was not fulfilling.  I kept sleeping with her because she kept pursuing me.  But, the first words out of her mouth to me were lies when she extended her hand and told me that she was a teacher.  She had never finished college, she was definitely–less the sex–“in a relationship with her roommate,” and she had what Jack Nicholson’s character says in “Something’s Gotta Give,” which are versions of the truth.  She was what my friend who I hung out with all day yesterday calls “The Man Child.”  It’s not because she was more butch, it’s because she is super immature and would still probably live a college lifestyle.

I’m settled.  I have a child, house, and dog.  I don’t pick up and take off for four days unplanned because what is fun for me is planning the hows and packing well, and then letting adventures unfold after getting to where I want to be.  She would have shown up nearly any night of the week to do me, but I need a mix and a balance of plans and romance for something to work.  I also don’t fit in a fuck at the end of the night around 1 am on a work night after I’m done golfing and drinking with my buddies.  That is really hard to achieve when you have a real job and need to use your brain.  My pitying of her approach is not a judgment, but rather an explanation of a disconnect.  7-years was also too much of an age difference.  Leading with lies has made me gun shy about time too, because she and I didn’t have sex for 6-weeks, but she was good at remembering the falsehoods that she had lead with and did not trip up.

So, if there is a beautiful, light-eyed woman who I talk to tonight, I don’t mind ringing in the New Year with her, but it can’t be on a pillow.  Plus, that is hardly 20-dates.  (The drunk only had to wait four-hours.)  Mystery girl and I will have to spend more than a handful of hours to 6-weeks together before I sleep with her.  I just am looking forward to that connection again.  Tomorrow morning we head to the plains to spend a whole day on a farm, so I have to pick up my son super early from my parents.  Happy New Year.

New feelings

I didn’t feel like I do now after my coming out affair ended, and I definitely didn’t feel this way after I ended it with the drunk.  Then I was ecstatic, which wasn’t all that good because I started communicating with my ex pretty close to right afterward.  I need some down time to just reflect on what I want before I date again.  I didn’t do that last time around, which is why they were both controllers, addicts in their own ways, and not communicative.

I need to be outside.  I need to laugh like I did tonight.  I need stimulation and connection like I had over coffee.  I need to be attracted to a girl and for her to find me attractive too, so we can have that chemical hit when we connect.  I learned today while reading some research that when you get away, vary your routine, or add a lot of laughs and ease that you can have sex like you did in your first year within your ltr.  That gives me hope.  Also hopeful is that I have some new friends who deeply love each other and have been in an ltr for years.  I want that.  I don’t like the fade.

I also don’t like feeling sad.  It’s finally completely over, and I know it.  It’s different this time and we probably won’t see each other for a really long time.  The latter is ok because then I’m hoping that her rage toward me has subsided somewhat.

I’m culpable only for not wanting to put up with ill treatment, but she’s not used to anyone challenging her or even disagreeing with her.  I’ve watched her say, “He is pissing me off calling all the time.  I think that he just needs me more than I do him,” about her best friend, and I have seen her have periods of silence with her manager wherein it just has to blow over because she does not budge or try to talk through work conflicts.  That’s what she’s used to.  In fact, I recall when we were working in a couple’s book that she had never been broken up with ever anyway.  And I didn’t really break up with her, because she started this dance over a year ago and I just buckled and started agreeing with her after three-months of break-ups.

Being pushed away just is deadly.  I was so demoralized for so long and really wondering why I was such a bad person?  I do think that you can be mismatched with someone, but really I do think that some people just naturally find faults.  I don’t want that because I really have a belief that everyone is doing the very best that she or he can with what they’ve got.  That belief includes me, because I always try the very best that I’m able.

I have a day completely off tomorrow

I should probably take my dog on a long hike again on Saturday.  I need to think and she needs to run and get crazy.  Although I should have never let her off-leash, it was beautiful on Christmas Day.  With an entire day off, I should spend some of it at higher elevations.

It’s weird to spend as much time as I did second guessing myself.  I like to think that I’m “over” my childhood, but I obviously am not if I’d let a woman treat me like shit because she had a bad year.  I’m very sorry that my ex lost her father and that does the single parenting thing with a toddler.  I started the latter when he was 21-months old, and it is really rare–happens once or twice a year–for him to be away more than two days and that only is twice a month.

I have had my thoughts and have done some soul searching stuff. She deserves to find someone who can tolerate her moods.  And I do think that it is possible that when she meets her future partner, she will just be less critical of her.  Even with reflecting, it is not ok to say the things that she does to me even though she is grieving and has a tough road.  That’s displacement, and I want a partner who can say when she is angry or hurting instead of attacking.

I have a business meeting and then I have supervision over lunch today.  Afterward, I need to motor at home to get it straightened completely.  A friend from high school is in town tonight so I’ll go out for a little bit.  I was out a little last night as well because my friend needed my support given her husband’s health.  He has had one surgery and will probably need chemo.

I want to meet my next girlfriend through connections or activities if possible.  I’m really an avid hiker and don’t bike too much when it’s this cold.  The first day it is 50 and it falls on one of my weekends, I will bike to one of the reservoirs, but for right now, I’ll do my stationary one.  I still try to lift 3-times a week too, so I know that I have some good habits to take me through the Winter.

I loved her so deeply.  We had that passionate, animalistic love in addition to that connection thing that keeps convo going and interesting, but we never really had a commitment.  She had one foot out and the other one merely tested the waters.  I’m not looking for a life commitment within a year, but I’m not looking for a rollercoaster ride either.  Life is like that anyway, so you don’t want your relationship to be part of the lurching and scariness, but rather you want the belt to ground you.  I’m going to take time and seek something good.

It’s probably always been a no brainer

I was shocked to hear her say that she would co-parent with her ex if she divorced the man and moved back.  It’s so bizarre, but the thing is that it would work for her.  I don’t want to co-parent with another person, but rather desire to live with a woman who builds a household with me.  I just think that she and I just want different things.  Saturday will come and go with no visit from her and her son, and then I will just meet her halfway or something to wish her well the following week.  We can have coffee or a drink and some laughs.  I don’t want to spend the night with someone who is nasty and says shitty things.

I haven’t met anyone who really turns my head and ignites my passions.  It’s funny because those two girls from summer–one date a piece–are obviously interested.  One keeps up contact and the other mentioned me in a comment and is now hosting a Happy Hour.  Neither do it for me at all, so that’s why I know that I have not met a girl with whom I’d like to see if we have that thing.  I am still embarrassed about my sprite-like FB from summer, who was basically a liar, but that was all just part of my journey.

What I have come to is pretty simple.  She is not who I was looking for, and although I did fall madly in love with her, and we talked futures, “our” path never involved her giving anything but just having some space for us.  Meaning that we leave our life in the city and move to a redneck, meth-stricken, semi-rural area and fit into her existing life.  When I started wondering about that, because it was something that she wasn’t controlling, we began our dance of push and pull, which was almost a year ago now.  I just need to bow out of this aspect.  We can be friends and I don’t need to sleep with her.  I don’t want to either.  I don’t need to be contrasted with a woman who moved to get over you and married a man in her mid-40s, or do I need any slights made about my appearance or method of responding to her.  I’m good.

I have never wanted this type of relationship.  I don’t want what my parents have which is rancor in a nearly 40-year commitment.  I’m looking for mutual respect and love.