Many behaviors that we exhibit, which are complex and seemingly not sensical at times, are merely a function of our level of anxiety that we experience when specific in situations. I am worried about being unable to get along for an hour, but I know that I am much more well-polished with those skills than she is. For example, I have to see my ex-husband literally all of the time. I am completing clinical hours after work, so he has to pick up our son after school. It is rare that we have disagreements and I simply refuse to engage in anything similar to a power struggle with him when he explodes. About quarterly, he annoys me with an explosion of temper, but I don’t say anything to our son. I tell him, “I’m not going to engage with you like this,” and I probably could have done stuff like that with my ex too, but she attacks and dehumanizes with her words. That is for her and her new girlfriend to work out 🙂
She is anxious. She emailed me five or six times last Tuesday, and last night–very late–she did so twice and from her social media site. When you have been with a controller and you are trained like I am, you know why she does what she does. However, I don’t have to open the next email from her, because it’s similar to the first one. She will not “see” anything, because I won’t open it, and if she really, really wants to share songs with me, she can email me to my account and send one of those “read upon receipt” sending conditions. She doesn’t attach a file, but rather says, “I like the beat in this song,” or “You’d love this song.” Some of these contacts make me feel like she is trying to get me to add her back, but I wouldn’t do that for anything and maybe never. Wow. Even Shane is better with following friendship rules.
I had written in some summer entries that what you do for a living does matter. Peter Pan introduced herself to me as a teacher, but is actually an assistant who does not work full-time. Not only was it distasteful for her to lie for two months, but it also made her free and easy, fly-by-the-seat of your pants, screw at one in the morning before you go home attitude make a lot of sense as well. What you do for a living effects your show-up factors. My ex is used to everyone around her lying to her and getting away with things, so she crafts control through methods that seem legitimate. I’m just used to her, so I simply know why she does things in the method that she does. If she can truly switch careers next year, as she has made a good product, she will likely soften some, which will be very good for her son and those who she caretakes.
I told my shrink that because I do what I do, I may be alone forever. She laughed, and said, “No, but you are likely to be more discerning with relationship.” What I am really glad about is that when I’m just enjoying–not when I’m fighting or being treated badly–I don’t even think psychologically. However, when a relationship is ending or has ended, I do know what my exes will do. Again, I just don’t have to engage.
We need friendship ground rules. I’ve been thinking that it could be necessary to tell her that I am am very much on-the-fence that we can be friends. I think that we can be cool and be amiable, but I believe 1) your partner is your best friend, and 2) she is so intense that the level of friendship that she and I would have–meaning with which I am comfortable–would not be fulfilling for her. What do I want? Very little to be honest.
Infrequent contact seems more normal to me, as does hanging out annually or a couple of times a year. I have to also be honest and also say that it would be much easier for me to come over to her house after snowshoeing when I have a girlfriend who is there with me. There still exists this power differential and I don’t know if she can keep her mouth shut about sex with me. I guess that many of these musings shall be answered after Thursday. I have to go commute in through the snow in an hour, so I’m signing off for this day.