I’ve been climbing mountains with my time. Now, I have to write all day and don’t know if I can join my workout partner at a fitness festival tomorrow morning, because my son has been really tired. I don’t think that I should get him up around sunrise on a Saturday. I can watch them, but seven-year-olds really need their sleep.
Because I have wanted to feel connected to nature, I have seen a few sunrises far from home in the last three weeks. Additionally, I walked around the peaks of two new mountains for me, and one of which is the highest point in our state. Also, I went back up to peaks that I had previously climbed which are adjacent. I had done one first in 2009, and then repeated it with both of the peaks being summited in 2010, so it was cool to go back up with one of the newer friends who I have. You really bond on a climb, and we did. Here is how my views have been as of late:
I am going to meet 11 new girls on Sunday. When I was first out of my str8 marriage, I hiked with my son with some of those groups and then last summer I played kickball. I didn’t meet anyone of lasting interest and the latter caused my to blow my right quad, which I still have some issues with when I climb or walk long distances. (I just couldn’t NOT kick the hardest pitches from a frat boy type of asshole, so I paid.) However, I am hopeful that this group will yield some new people to hang out with for my last few days of vacation and into my fall.
My workout partner met one of my guy friends last week. We had a lil’ BBQ and drinks on my back patio. She is going out on a date with him tonight. I am also orchestrating at least one, if not two, other meet and greets with guys who I know over the next several weeks. She had a shitty experience with a guy from our gym–he is super hot, but is a drunk–and then a very scary thing happen early in the summer with one of our colleagues. I guess some of these meetings; although, she asked to meet my guy friends, are like big sister protection.
My ex called me early last week, and it was very odd. She said that she wanted to know how my summer was going and then she told me about a prank that she played on her friends. I would never do something that could potentially scare someone as a joke. I crack them all the time, but they are never at someone’s expense unless I really have that dynamic with someone who also teases me. I also don’t make scenes, because I don’t like directed attention unless I am speaking for my profession, but then there is that “professional distance.” I had been introduced to my ex via an old colleague who knew my ex’s best friend. I talked to her on the phone yesterday and I said, “I guess she wants to be my friend.” She said quickly, “______ , she doesn’t want to be your friend. She is obsessed with the way that things were left and that there is someone in this world who does not have a favorable impression of her.”
That was interesting. How can you think that if you are literally constantly giving negative feedback to your girlfriend or making slights and underhanded comments to her that you will leave it well? Are you kidding? When I was talking to my colleague, I told her that there was nothing that I could do well either, and she would always tell me how she was good at the same things or the best at them. Now, I do get that her athletic abilities will always surpass mine, but I don’t care. I don’t compete against anyone, and simply want to fit my sense of things, and I don’t have standards that require me to take chances. I have turned around without making a summit four times in five-years, and walked around several obstacles at both of my adventure races. I don’t have a sense of myself which requires me to prove anything. I also don’t control anyone. I don’t have that need.
Impressions that you give others result from your interactions. With distance, I get that had I stayed with my ex that all my behaviors would have been attempted to be controlled and that if I did something, she would have to do it better. In fact, there were things that she simply wouldn’t try, because she didn’t do them perfectly. Last year my birthday trip required about a mile-and-a-half of steep hiking. I climb up four to ten times that amount of distance and at much more pronounced levels of elevation gain as a hobby, so it felt like nothing even with camping gear. One of her friends said, “Wow, ______ , you are just bombing up there.” It was only until recently that I realized that is probably why she flatly refused to hike with me, and that is because it’s something that I do more, so I can do it. Wow.
She can call me. I’ll probably answer her calls if I’m not doing anything. I won’t call her. I won’t interact with her by choice either. I made my peace with thanking her for the four things that she imparted to me. I will not romanticize what is only a good show that lasted three-months and then the year-long fallout, which resulted as I actually began to know who she was and how she shows up in the world.
I can be persnickety. I am not overly friendly with new people; although, I am helpful. Even as an extrovert, I watch and observe before I make decisions. I also like things that I do a certain way–especially food. There have been times in my life that I have been attracted to toxic people. They will join with you when you are feeling badly, but now I want to seek out positive interactions. I don’t want to be around any poison. I am looking forward to meeting some positive girls tomorrow and connecting to new people in a slow, organic way. I’m done with extremity and fervor.