I have had this damn email for too long. I’m not sure how long actually, but today in my son’s class (while I watched him dance), I realized that it carries energy in my draft box. I don’t want that energy. I like, “Good. Hope you two are well.” I don’t want it to be anywhere, but here–namely–because it invites reengagement in conversation and the like. I burned her name on a piece of paper last summer with a sentence that I wrote. After I blew the ashes and it had gone out, I unfolded the paper and it was blank. All my handwriting had disappeared. I have decided to put this email here, and then I don’t want to say much more about her. I got what I needed and want to go to my friends’ party this weekend with it already “sent.”
I’m going to be as clear as I can. I don’t want to pre-arrange seeing you. I’m sure that we shall run into each other by chance in the future, but I don’t feel comfortable with a friendship or actively cultivating something close. We had a good trial run of things for 15-months, and I don’t want to try to convert our old situations into a “friendship.” I’m not there, and want to heal and move forward.
I think that we struggle to understand one another, don’t get along, and live far apart. It doesn’t make much sense to attempt to turn a painful lost love situation into anything when it’s so difficult just to get together, and even relate to one another. If we were meant to be friends, it wouldn’t be this hard, so I think that is life telling us something.
I don’t think that you know me all that well, tbh. I think that if you did, you wouldn’t believe that I had “zero compassion.” But, what I have come to is that it doesn’t matter at all what you think I’m like. If I’m creepy, negative, and selfish and don’t have compassion for others that is just what interactions with me yielded. It gives me pause, because I don’t know anyone who possesses those qualities or have I ever told anyone that he or she were that way. Such a strange thing for me, and I can’t wrap my brain around why that is the result. Honestly, I’m not sure why that is your pitting of me, but it doesn’t seem like I should be part of your circle. You should be around nice people.
I’m simply not that way. I’m a lot of things, have tons of drawbacks and the like, but I just like to laugh and connect with others. People who I chose to spend time with help me understand the world better. I surround myself and am blessed with wonderful friends.
I can remember not being able to wait to wake up to email you to share about my day, get information on what you were doing, who you were, and what motivated you / made your heart tick. I quickly fell head over heels in love with you and had an incredible three months with you sharing my whole self and feeling so gratified looking into your eyes or being in your arms. I wouldn’t trade fall of 2011 for anything.
As I’ve said, I also yielded being able to make sure that my son has a wonderful meal when I don’t see him until the following morning, I realized that he actually needed a dog, and I really am in phenomenal shape now, which I know may improve my overall health and life quality. The last thing that started toward the end of September nearly two years ago was that I trusted myself enough to give my heart away. Those are pretty good lessons resulting from ending a relationship. I am lucky. Sorry that it only worked in my direction and you never got your four quarters. They are coming for you or are already there with a really great girl.
Glad that we are cool. It means a lot to me that you and I will be able to comfortably greet each other when we do see each other. Peace and light your way.