Monthly Archives: July 2026

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1st House

I had written before that Scorpio found a book on colors and three primary adjectives for all 365 birthdays in the art museum we were in. Mine were Researcher, Healer and Seductive.

I’m going to employ the first one for a week.

I’m going to write about my zodiac chart.

Previously, I only had looked at my Sun, Moon, and Ascendent (Rising) Signs. When I was dating Scorpio she felt fascinated by all the empty houses in her chart, so I started thinking, “What’s up with houses anyway?”

There are 12 houses which astrologers used to divide the sky, and they are the degree to which the earth was with respect to the sun when and where you were born. According to astrologers, each house divides your life into categories.

According to a source that I have by Woolfolk, your first house is the House of Self and is your most powerful house. And what is there encompasses the most important placements in your chart. She also writes that the First House is a lens for your chart as it filters everything else.

I was blown away looking at my chart yesterday because my Moon, which is in Scorpio, is in my first house. I knew that had to be important. I have a DK Parker’s Astrology book that a previous workout partner gave me, so I read about that placement.

So, what does it mean if your Moon Sign falls in your first house?

Apparently, if you’re Moon is in your First House you have an urge to care for people. That made my worries about my son and his choices seem validated. Additionally, I have chosen a career in mental health so that checked out too.

Moon placement involves your reactions and responses. People with a Scorpio Moon have feelings directly on tap anyway, and that’s always true of me. The energy is also physical and has determination and the instinct to achieve.

Scorpio Moons in the First House are intuitive, imaginative and remember your childhood with nostalgia. Weaknesses are that you can dissipate energy, be moody and oversensitive. I like to see that as me being emo. Strengths are that you’re receptive, romantic and curious (Woolfolk, 2006).

So, there are Conjunctions, Trines, Oppositions, Sextiles and Squares which are the aspects of planets to the degree to which they were apart during the time that you were born in charts too. Some of these aspects are favorable and others are unfavorable (Woolfolk, 2006).

My Moon in Scorpio has an aspect with my Venus which is in Virgo that forms a Sextile. A Sextile are planets which are 60 degrees apart. That means that I am affectionate, light hearted, artistic, and love beauty (Woolfolk, 2006).

My Moon in Scorpio also has two Trines. In charts, that position is the most favorable aspect. It means that you have planets which are 120 degrees apart. (I should mention that 44% of my chart is in water, which I found so telling because I have had romantic relationships mainly with water signs.) These two Trines and with water placements in my chart. I have Jupiter in Pisces and Saturn in Cancer. The former suggests that I am optimistic and that I have a friendly personality. I also that I have good business sense and I enjoy travel and literature. The latter suggest that I am diplomatic, ambitious and that my overall nature is conservative. I am thorough when dealing with problems and patient (Woolfolk, 2006).

You’re ascendent is always in your First House and mine is in Libra. My Mercury is in my First House and it’s also in Libra. The themes are that I make lists of pros and cons with every decision and can change my mind. It also means that I like socializing with people. This placement Squares Saturn though… Squares are challenging and stressful and when they can be overcome, resilience is possible. I certainly can be blunt and abrupt ðŸ˜ģI also have a Conjunction in Mercury, which is powerful, so it’s typically beneficial, but not necessarily. It’s simply the most powerful aspect. My Mercury conjuncts my Uranus, which suggests a talent for scientific thinking but that I am stubborn and eccentric (Woolfolk, 2006).

All these things in my First House form a stellium. It’s like waring planet placements. They’re gathered together in one area of the zodiac and can form conjunctions (Parker & Parker, 2001).

I think that because there are so many planets in my first house that is why people misread me as having the Fire element in my chart. I really have an overall deficit. However, my First House is busy with waring planet placements. I do find that I do best when I ponder solutions for a long period of time, find people fascinating, am odd and do better when I’m reflective rather than quickly speaking my mind.

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Transactional

Last night I took my ex-husband out to dinner. I have not spoken with him much since February of 2025.

Last Groundhog Day, I had him look after our son that evening because I had concert tickets. As is consistent with some types of college age kids, our son experimented with concentrated marijuana–it’s called a dab–and way too much acid. He cried most of the day and kept telling me that I was lying to him and that he’d broken his brain.

My ex-husband drank 7 beers that night. I had stopped drinking altogether and didn’t get triggered by alcohol so I had a six-pack in my beverage cooler area of the refrigerator. I was keeping those around for friends who come over to my house when I make them dinner–I do that all of the time for loved ones. I had told my ex-husband that he could have the Christmas Ale that was there and to be sure to eat the lasagna that I’d left for him too because the ale had high ABV. I never said anything about the six-pack.

He drank everything (7 beers total), triggered the shit out of our son, and was acting bizarre.

Two-weeks later I told him via phone that he has always been an alcoholic. I told him that he needs full treatment. I never spoke to him again. He said, like he always says, that he needs individual therapy and he was going to do it this time. He never has addressed anything. I know that will never happen. I was with the guy 11-years, and married to him for 9. (Just an aside that he’s the only man I’ve ever been with. I’ve kissed two guys including him.)

I used to be in touch with both of my former mother-in-laws. They generally loved me. Because my ex-spouses are the dreamer types they also were glad that their kids married me. I’m not given to anything dreamy or prone to fantasy. I’m always pragmatic.

Anyway, my ex-husband’s mother is starting to decline. I can just tell via text. My son told me that when he called her a few weeks ago for her birthday that she repeated things over and over. Last night I learned that her brother (my ex-husband’s uncle) has early onset dementia.

I talked about his mother and he said that she was fine in person when he saw her in 2024.

He said that he knows that he needs to visit them seasonally.

He acknowledged that he’s unable to make plans.

It’s ok. Those things are not my business at all. Now that my son drives and I bought him a car and insure it, nothing will ever happen again. My son won’t need him for anything.

And this dinner wasn’t transactional. I just knew that it was time that I had some manner of relationship with him again. I’ve known him 32-years. And he has never been able to set a goal or really make any decisions of any kind. That won’t change. Nor does it change that I have his DNA in my brain because we had a child together. I had to get over myself and my anger towards him.

He’s been with his partner for a few years now and they live together. He described parallel play that they engage in. He doesn’t seem happy or unhappy with her. I can imagine that many more years will pass by for him and there won’t be anything that has changed.

We did, however, laugh a ton.

I told him about breaking up with my GF in May and the following morning being in a pool of my own blood on the floor given the difficulty of a restraint that I had to complete for the safety of a youth.

I told him about the old dating app that I used to use and the conversation that I had about race and racism with a person who was using his ex-wife’s identity on a lesbian only service and let him read the bizarre text conversation thread. That whole exchange could be written with some backstory and be an episode or a limited series comedy.

We laughed and it was such an easy dinner. The only obstacle was that the Sudanese restaurant is closed only on Wednesdays and I forgot completely that we have a good Thai restaurant now close to the high school in the neighborhood, so we wound up driving to a suburb to eat at one that is authentic. It was fine. We got a table; although, it was packed.

I had a great time with him. Basically, I grew up with him. He’s the same as I remember him as a teenager. I met him when I was 19 or 20 and he was 18. Honestly, he really hasn’t changed much at all.

I’m so glad that I took him out to dinner.

His binge drinking and overall alcoholism won’t affect me or our son.

I was thinking about transactional relationships generally after dinner.

I had gone over to visit Nightingale one night this month and asked her out of the blue if she was using me for sex.

She paused a long time and said, “I was at first.”

Now that she’s decided that I create an obstacle or perhaps distraction to her finding her life partner that’s really what our thing was. She spent most of the month mad at me because I don’t date someone and state, “You’re going to be my life partner.” I don’t think that stance is real.

For example, I thought that Scorpio and I would travel together forever. I knew that she wants to live with someone again eventually and given that she was almost always talking about her ex-BF I just kept assuming that she would reconcile with him and that would be who she lived with. I would have been so fine with that scenario too. He sounded cool. She and I still could’ve travelled together and I like male metamours.

That didn’t work out. If I had feelings that didn’t match hers, she told me that my feelings didn’t make sense. I had to break up with her.

Prior to Scorpio, I dated another woman for a year who had a young child. This day a year ago I had blogged about a date that she and I had that she completely planned and paid for. Although we had been dating for 10-months at that time, this was the only date in which she had done that. Our relationship was transactional and I got very little out of our relationship. Seems like it was a soft onboarding to relationships in general after my divorce.

Maybe dating is often transactional.

I want to communicate and be myself in relationships.

I couldn’t do that with the woman that I dated after my divorce. In fact, I wouldn’t go on very many dates with a woman now who said that she’s not a sexual person. It shuts off all my physical touch needs that I have. I used to have to ask her to rub my legs or play with my hair. And she was good at it! It never would’ve occurred to her to touch me unsolicited.

Scorpio told me once that she wanted a BF who would fly her to Pfish concerts all over the nation. That would’ve been transactional. Our relationship was uncomplicated. I made her dinner midweek and we talked and connected and then spent one night together every weekend after a proper date doing something specific.

Nightingale wanted to travel with a woman right before her knee surgery. It turned out that her previous replacement wasn’t ready enough to go to CA, so she decided a mountain cabin was fine. After some time together and a little travel, she decided that I’m not worth having around.

I think that if I understand the playbook with women who I date, that I’m flexible.

Pic taken today 5-years ago

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Delegation

July 2 – July 19th was a record for me.

I had an intense experience which was connected and full of chemistry that burned out completely.

She did it for me too. Nightingale was the delegate.

Since she left the cabin on the 15th late at night our texting was scant and we didn’t talk on the phone ever again until yesterday: the 19th.

Last night when I called her at her request she sounded oddly formal and told me that the local anesthetic that her surgeon had given her would wear off the following day (today). She indicated that was when her pain management would begin getting real.

Nightingale has another brand-new knee. She’ll be healing now and her not-quite-three-month-old other knee still swells a whole bunch when she walks around on it. I’d imagine that sometime in the spring things will feel healed.

She proposed a boundaried friendship.

She told me that she knew that I’d be fine with occasional sex here and there.

It’s true that I didn’t have any expectations of her.

I like helping people out when they have needs.

She and I had a solid connection and undeniable chemistry. When she wasn’t unloading on me suddenly, it was seamless. I think that I have a higher toleration for that behavior anyway given my work and also some of my relationships. I know that flying off the handle isn’t about me.

She told me that she doesn’t want any of my help during her recovery. I’d imagine that she feels vulnerable with her knee elevated all the time and walking 10-minutes every hour for a couple of weeks.

Regardless, boundaried friendship is a strange term.

I told her that we were never friends, so although I couldn’t really say quickly how I felt in the moment, I’d be more inclined to reach out to her when and if it made sense.

I told her that when we left it at the cabin I was going to check in on her in the morning and at night as I’d been doing. My texts were pretty cursory. I’m glad that she asked me to call her last night.

This morning, I realize that I may not even be to wish her a happy birthday in November via text.

From her perspective I delay her finding her one. The woman who is perfect for her and wants to move into her house and blend finances. She bought her house with an ex-wife 7-years ago, and many women have lived in it with her including the ex-wife who she was married to for 1-2 years.

I have married, cohabited and blended finances before. The last time ended only 4-years ago, which Nightingale said was a long time ago and that I am ready to move on because the relationship was short (We were together 9-years.).

In fact, in a few weeks, I’d have been married 28-years to my ex-husband. We were married 8/98 – 3/08. I was married to my ex-wife 5/14 – 9/22.

When we were driving back from the urban lake hike last Wednesday Nightingale asked me if I’d remarry. I said, “I don’t think that I want to.”

I realize now that I believe that I have spent more years married than she has.

Her daughter’s other mother and she were in a domestic partnership, and it seems to have lasted only through the time that her daughter was 4 or 5. I don’t know how many years they were together before Nightingale got pregnant. Her only marriage was 7-years ago and lasted 1-2 years. She also isn’t single long ever. I heard so many different women’s names when she would share about her life. I’m a good listener, so she certainly talked more about herself and filled the air much more than I anyway.

Nightingale helped me feel better about Scorpio.

The trajectory of 17-days was always hers. I never initiated sex once. I just showed up and was my normal, attentive self. I never made a promise to her that I didn’t intend to keep.

I also won’t ever think that you should rush living with someone and blending your lives. She asked far fewer questions about me and made lots of assumptions.

I hope that she can find exactly what she’s looking for in a long-term and lifetime partner.

For my part, I’ll keep seeing women as it makes sense and I feel passion. I don’t have an end game. I also have never stopped believing that it takes a year to get to know someone well.

I’ve had three sexual partners since my divorce. I waited over two-years to have sex with anyone.

After this fire, I have realized that I’m comfortable in many different relationship structures. It will be interesting to see what transpires going forward.

I’m glad to have clarity today. I’m also going to use my vacation time remaining to address things that I want to before I start my other two jobs and begin taking classes.

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Intense

I know that I’m intense, and it’s been better generally when I have dated women who were equally so or got fired up about things occasionally. That way my energy matches well with a romantic partner.

Monday I got up to the cabin early afternoon and connected for about an hour with Nightingale. I had to head into town to get a couple of groceries that I’d forgotten. I came back and Nightingale had out olives, cheese, fruit and some other things, which was sweet. I got a salad completed and put it on the table and then made the pasta.

Nightingale told me that she was hanging onto something.

It was about my best friend.

When I was in my mid-twenties and new to this career we had a friend group who were also all early career.

One of the members of this group was visiting from CA and her trip dates were migrating all over the map which was frustrating. I cancelled some plans that I had too, but had promised her that I’d see her.

Finally, my best friend said that she’d host a pizza party for this mutual friend. I made a salad.

I asked Nightingale to accompany me because I thought that she was leaving for Northern CA the following day–it turned out that she couldn’t because of her knee swelling.

Anyway, what she said that she was hanging onto was that she had an awful time there.

My best friend was being cold and strange. And the experience was pretty awkward generally.

Nightingale said that I didn’t have her back, that I behaved badly, and that I should’ve gotten her out of there quickly.

That’s an overreach. I didn’t abandon her. And that she brought it up many days later is a difficult way to have conflict.

Anyway, I didn’t even want to eat, so having not even brought in my suitcase, I decided to go. I took my pasta dish and headed out on the dirt road to get to the highway. She called me a few minutes later and seemed less volatile, so I drove back and we talked it out.

Nightingale slept upstairs and I slept downstairs.

I hiked the following day.

I hiked the creek initially and it was moderately steep, and then after I did so at elevation and saw the creek from below I walked to the other side of the trailhead and started this hike (pictured above). It was very pretty and peaceful. It didn’t really rain as there is severe drought in the majority of the West–in fact, only in the area of ID where I was last month is lacking drought currently–but, I decided that I would be best to finish up where I had originally hiked.

I was planning to go back here

I headed down the rocky trail (the first picture) and a guy and a girl were heading up. Only the guy greeted me and I noticed his nice and piercing blue eyes. After that brief greeting I walked a little longer when a small distance in front of me a blur crossed over. Then I saw a little cub, which was cute.

I froze.

They both crossed over the rocky path and began scaling the hillside on my left. I backed up and stepped several steps to my right.

Then the mother saw me and stared. She was 40-yards away.

I could hear my heart beating in my ears and all the blood was rushing to my temples. My neck was shaking as the blood was coursing through my body to my brain and extremities.

I stood completely still and didn’t avert my gaze.

She got out of my view and went up the hill and huge rocks started falling onto the trail. I walked sideways a bit more and could see that she was throwing them with her back feet. I kept sidestepping and then as she was busy throwing rocks, I thought that now was a good time for me to completely leave the trail and go back to the creek. I walked sideways for a minute or so and then because there wasn’t a trail and I didn’t want to fall, I went back to the rocky trail. I looked up. I stood silently. I couldn’t see or hear her. I ran like hell and was back to the trailhead in a flash. I’ve never run that hard. I also have never seen a bear before. And this situation included two bears in the worse scenario given a mother’s protection.

I’ve hiked many hundreds of miles. This was my first scary wildlife encounter.

I drove into town to get cellphone signal and talked on the phone with Hockey.

I didn’t want to take bear energy into the cabin given how touchy Nightingale is in general.

After a good talk with Hockey, I drove back to the cabin.

I told her that I was back an hour early because I had an encounter with a mother bear and cub. She told me that it was good that I wasn’t in Yellowstone or Glacier, because if I had been that would’ve been a grizzly, and I’d be dead. Regardless, it was scary.

Nightingale had made a roast with potatoes and carrots. It was really good. I said, “This is lovely. Have you ever made something this fabulous and someone pours ketchup all over it instead of tasting it?”

WWIII ensued.

To her I was controlling someone’s enjoyment of food that doesn’t have to do with me.

I do think that as an adult you have the chance to enjoy one bite of something if you simply try.

I told her that I was going downstairs and I packed up and started showering off the hike and the bear.

I only feel comfortable writing that she had a crisis. I know because I work with episodes all the time at work.

And because I know what to do, I tended to her for about 3-hours and she was fine and was able to sleep soundly. I went downstairs that night and slept solidly for hours having a bear encounter and then having my shit jumped again by a woman going through way too many moving parts at the moment.

The next day was fine and we walked roughly the same distance that I had hiked solo the day before; however, we were on an urban trail with panoramic views of mountains along a huge lake.

I picked up takeout Japanese food for us that night, brought it back to the cabin, and she wanted me to watch “Ted Lasso,” which has been recommended to me for years by various people. I think that I watched 3-4 episodes with her. Then she started cleaning up so I helped and then I went back to the tv because she asked me to start another episode. I could hear her packing up food so I said that I’d wait until she was done. I paused the show.

When she was done she said that because tomorrow was her last day before her next surgery that she wanted to be home, sleep in her own bed and wake up for a full day at home. I told her that made a lot of sense to me. I loaded her car. She hugged and kissed me in the house and I said that I’d walk her outside too. She kissed me again when I was talking to her before she drove away on the dirt road.

I called Hockey and we talked a long time. She and I talk everyday.

Nightingale texted me that night when she got to her house.

The following morning, I did as she asked. I addressed the final things in the property rental and sent a DM in the app for us. Then I texted her that I was leaving and texted her when I got to my driveway (not my garage).

Yesterday, I got home and my son had the garage blocked and the housecleaners were here. It was all pretty typical. I have a good vacation and come home to something chaotic or unpredictable which impacts my transition. The good thing was that I had a massage at 3. I was able to tell my massage therapist about the bears and I wrote a draft with some of this material in it when I came home. It was nice to be in a clean house. I slept well all night.

Whew.

I’m no stranger to any of these dynamics with women. She reminds me of a previous GF that I had in my 30s and also reminds me of my ex-wife in terms of seething for days about things that she spins on without talking about them. I also know that because of what she’s gone through in her life that talk therapy isn’t going to cut it and has the chance to be counterproductive. I’ve told her which modality I think that she should switch to after she’s recovered and can walk now that she’ll have two new knees.

Anyway, I am making the responsible choice and not mixing any romance between us going forward.

Nightingale says over and over how she’s seeking her long-term partner. That effort will be better when she’s addressed some of the things going on in her body.

Yesterday she told me her surgery time. I’ve texted her about good energy, healing vibes and other things. I won’t ever say or text anything adjacent to dating going forward. I’m willing and able to run some errands, chat in person or on the phone, and drop off meals or specific food craving things during her recovery. That’s it. There are some intense things that I can’t engage in anymore at this stage of my life.

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Lifestyle

My dog has some spinal problems so she doesn’t know if she’s pooping. She’ll be 15 in September at the end of summer. She hasn’t been able to take walks really anymore. She was into and completed a super short one–two blocks–yesterday after I bathed her at a Mom and Pop pet shop.

Her back hips are displacing altogether.

Yesterday she slipped in the tub and was laying down in the tub and pooped again.

One of the three cats has renal failure beginning. It’s been really stressful because she doesn’t always finish her special diet food and then one of her brother cat eats it and he gets diarrhea. The other brother had an anal gland abscess and when his Vet removed it, she said that it was the biggest that she’d ever seen. He has to go to the Vet every four months now.

My dog is in a clinical trial, so her life will be extended a little regardless if she’s on the placebo because she sees the Vet all the time.

However, they cost thousands.

I was able to rehome my ex-wife’s dog in May of 2025 so that’s helpful. It is also helpful to not have dog pee on things that she would mark smelling up my house while I was at work.

Only the dog is mine.

I’m too much of a softy to rehome the cats although they’ve become too much with the food situation. I’ll contact the cat vet and see how the diet can be changed to one thing for all of them.

I was talking with Nightingale last night and the cat with the renal disease was chirping, meowing and sometimes purring.

Nightingale didn’t mention anything. She’s allergic to cats. However, to some extent she’s not even close to an animal person. I haven’t ever been on the phone with someone who didn’t ask which one was making noise when any of mine are being appealing.

I like her dog a lot and he’s trained to only be a dog in all respects. He can’t get on furniture, beds, or even greet someone unless they reach down to greet him.

When she made me dinner on Saturday night in her house her well-trained and super cute dog made a specific noise and wagged his tail and I said, “He’s asking for food, right?” She was shocked. I told her that I’m great with animals. I am good with domestic animals’ cues and can get very close to deer when I’m hiking to snap a picture. (I’m not a dumbass so I don’t like being near mountain lions, rattlesnakes, moose, and haven’t had a bear encounter yet thankfully.)

Scorpio’s dog was a really good boy and well-trained. He was allowed to obsess on me when he wanted to and he did. I still miss her dog a lot.

I love all animals. I like to watch the birds on the porch when I drink coffee in the morning or have a Spindrift, Waterloo, or Lacroix at night. When I used to walk my dog sometimes I’d see black foxes near the creek which was equal parts scary and cool.

I’m an outdoor plant. I love being outside all of the time and even don’t mind repetitive tasks such as removing cheatgrass, kochia, henbit, prickly lettuce, purslane, and spotted spurge in my tiny grass patch in the backyard at night. It’s too bad that means that no matter what I do, I’ll get bitten a couple of times by mosquitos, but I still like the task.

Nightingale can’t come over to my house because of my ex-wife’s cats and my dog. She has allergy induced asthma and some other conditions.

Nightingale has lived with other women in her pristine house. I don’t know the timeline–meaning when they moved in. Not only would I not want to do that, but we don’t like the same things day-to-day. Even if I could cohabit, and at this point I absolutely cannot, it would have to be with a likeminded woman.

I love having a purring cat next to me, sitting outside and fussing in a yard, talking a long walk through neighborhoods (which used to include walking my dog 1-3 miles everyday), and taking any excuse to spend more time outside.

I go to a cabin in the mountains today. Nightingale rented it.

I’m looking forward to walking and probably doing a journal in my nature journal today. I can hike on Tuesday and Wednesday too.

I won’t miss my pets really given all the things that they’re requiring now and need a break.

I’ll write on Friday. Nightingale gets her knee replaced that day. I’ll have a lot of information about our dynamic after this week.

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Cabin

I was in one in a really remote area in May with Scorpio. We spent three nights there. We had a night with one woman who neither of us knew, and then the following two nights we were with two women who were her friends in our cabin. That configuration of sleeping ensured no sexual intimacy.

I’ll be in a cabin in another area of the mountains Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday night with Nightingale.

Just us.

It’s pretty remote too. And it includes an area that I climbed in 2009 a couple of times. I’m excited to see what I can see from the windows in our cabin. I also want to trek around solo or with her.

Last night I took her basmati with saffron, chicken piccata with fresh lemon butter, and cauliflower with sweet peppers and garlic. We talked and snuggled and kissed a tiny bit and then I left after a couple of hours. I simply wanted to know that she had dinner that night. Cooking for friends and other loved ones is like breathing for me.

She texted, “This meal is so fucking amazing.”

The kitchen in our cabin is waaaay better than my kitchen, so I think that I’ll bring some food that I can cook. I’m excited to have a meal with her in a home. We are so new we’ve not gone out to dinner yet. And she can’t come to my house due to significant cat allergies.

In a cabin. 1-1. Together and with enough space to not be together when something moves us.

I like that so much more than being around tons of people. I’m not a group person unless there is an activity like kickball or bowling. I don’t even enjoy parties.

I do enjoy nature. I enjoy it solo and haven’t had an intimate partner who enjoys it as much as I do.

I think it’s worthwhile to mention again that Nightingale has a new knee that is 12-weeks old. She’ll get the other knee replaced on Friday.

We have to stick a pin in our mutual love of nature. We can certainly trek a tiny bit this upcoming week, but she can’t overdo it because then she’s stuck to her ice machine afterward.

She’s a fly fisher.

I’m a hiker and tiny bit of a climber.

We’re so undefined right now. She could pull the plug on us anytime that she wants to. I can’t imagine having a new love interest when you’re going into another knee replacement.

I’m going to:

  1. Enjoy tonight and our vacation next week
  2. Support her with her guidance and direction after her other knee is replaced

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Teachers

We stay stagnant when we surround ourselves with people who think only as we do.

I’m learning that some people know what they want no matter what.

Nightingale is learning that some women move slow and intentionally with decisions.

She was sooooo pissed off at me on Tuesday night. I had to get polished at using the skill: “I feel x, when y is happening, and I’m hoping that in the future you’ll respect my (boundary, time, need for understanding / validation).”

We talked on the phone for four-hours.

At the end of it she said, “Can you just come over here and hold me all night?”

“At two in the morning?”

“Yes.”

I don’t like having conflict over the phone. I will not engage in ANY intense texting.

When we have friction, we’re going to talk f2f.

Sleeping or Sex?

It was nice to be in her bed with her and see how nicely our bodies fit together when we’re sleeping. It was interesting that she approached intimacy from so many different angles until she got what she wanted. I was firm with not touching her and kept moving my hands away from where she’d put them. She said, “You’re strong.” I said, “Yep. And I don’t engage in gamey or shitty behavior.” The thing is that if someone after a long time keeps showing how much they want you, you can clarify, obtain consent and go for it.

She’s not my GF.

She’s not really my friend.

We don’t have similar ideas / attachment about outcome.

The only crushing thing about an end to being lovers for me would be not preserving a friendship.

I still want my exit interview with anyone.

She wants the life partner who she wakes up with everyday and who she will grow old with and tend to and vice versa until death.

I don’t think that the relationship escalator is real–it’s exceptional, so it works for a small percentage of couples.

I have to work today and tomorrow.

We’ll see each other on the weekend.

I don’t care what we’re doing and will do it with her as long as she lets me.

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Stable

Nightingale and I have had some emotional and physical Jenga.

She is about 10-weeks out from her first knee replacement.

Her other knee gets replaced this month.

I had a friend here in town who’d not visited in 7-years. She was here for a few days with her ex-husband and two kids.

After Nightingale and I had met and clearly established that we liked each other romantically, she accompanied me to my best friend’s house for pizza and sides on Sunday night. That morning after we were done walking around we hugged again and I kissed her quickly. That night, she met me at my best friend’s house. Our Sunday was a bit like a marathon first date, and it worked for me.

She and I had a wonderful time with all of my friends.

Then she had to name all of her discomfort while we were talking in her car at the end of the night. She doesn’t want to date anyone polyamorous. It was a rough and painful conversation.

I get it.

I’m great with boundaries.

We can both let many hours go by talking, so it was about 10:30 and I said, “I’m going to give you a hug and drive home.”

I moved across the seat and hugged her and she was crying a little bit and said, “I want to touch you.” I said, “Yeah, and you’ll have to keep it G rated.”

Yesterday, I went over to have coffee with her in her modern and pristine house and it was awkward and sad.

I hadn’t slept worth a shit on Sunday night so I did a few things that I had to do and didn’t feel any better until I lifted weights. Nightingale’s knee had swelled up so bad that she had to cancel her trip to CA that she was going to have before her next knee surgery. I know that she and I probably overdid it on Sunday, but I was kinda glad that she found out about it when she was here and not in Northern California unable to do things that she wanted to do because of swelling.

It sucks to have wiring that doesn’t fit another’s when you clearly have a good connection in the emotional, physical and romantic realm.

Last night, I cleaned up after my dog and cats–talking to Hockey on the phone the whole time–and then settled in to watch the next episode of “Dark” in the sequence. Nightingale texted me. Given that she’s a real athlete–the whole thing–track and soccer through high school, college track scholarship, and has completed two Iron Mans and is a triathlete–watching the US lose yesterday and also knowing that she can’t go to CA was too much for her.

She texted, “Have you ever just wanted to be held so you can cry?”

I said, “Absolutely. Do you need me to shower and come over?”

I think that she wanted that and didn’t want that. Holding two things that are both true is a tough spot.

I went over there.

I could hold any friend who needed me to. I could provide a clothed massage, a held hand all night, and would even draw a bath and keep a friend company while she cried in the bathtub.

This scenario wasn’t a heavy lift for me. It was nice to 1) support, and 2) have physical input.

We half-assed watched old episodes of “American Idol,” talked and I rubbed her back and even her surgical scars on her knee that has already been replaced.

Her knee is stable and it is nervy and feels weird so it jacks up her body. She is healing.

We talked and talked and talked. It wasn’t friendly, and it wasn’t purely romantic. It was a completely intimate and connected experience for both of us and I really needed it.

When I’m not seeing anyone, I miss touching a woman. It doesn’t have anything to do with sex for me.

After a couple of hours we were simply snuggling and it got intense so she said, “It’s time for you to go home.”

I popped up and she was shocked.

“Jesus Christ, I didn’t mean get out! Wow.”

I told her that I’m good with boundaries. She came over to me and took me in her arms and kissed my neck while holding me. I held her tighter and then walked over to her door.

I put on my shoes and looked at her and said, “Just one kiss, ok?” I had the green light and went to give her a quick kiss and then it was all her.

I stopped in the middle of it and said, “That’s you! I was just going to give you a quick kiss before I left.” She just pulled me to her and kept kissing me.

I totally get where she is coming from with regards to not wanting to date me. And, I’m fine with it. I had a couple of GFs since 2024 and those relationships were not meant to last longer than they did. I think that I can just keep showing up for Nightingale and see what unfolds. I’m not going to do anything weird. I’m glad that she let me support her last night and that we had some genuine romantic kissing when I left her house. There is zero reason to future trip and not just let something unfold organically with her based on the pacing that she sets.

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V2

Today I talked with Nightingale for close to two hours. She’ll leave for her solo vacation on Tuesday.

We talked about our childhoods.

Our experiences in therapy.

We talked about work.

We talked about parenting (Hers is 18 and a daughter; mine is 20 and a son.).

She talked about her reservations seeing someone polyamorous.

I told her that I got it. And honestly I’m pretty malleable and have done all manner of relationships based on what partners talk to me about and what I’m comfortable doing.

I told her that I felt like I was being punished for the sins of their ex-BFs in my last two relationships.

It’s refreshing that she was married to a woman and has had many, many GFs since then and those have mostly been with women who need some caretaking.

I listened fully to that.

I only take care of myself. I don’t ask for anything either.

I didn’t ask my ex prior to Scorpio accompany me to my PRP injection last summer–but, she offered and did it giving a baby monitor (She had a three-year-old at the time.) to the accountant below her unit in her building, and Scorpio didn’t do anything for me. (She did arrange some flowers by hand in vases and bring them to me twice, but that’s small gestures after four months. I think that she paid for two meals during our time together too. She was waaaay cheaper to date than my ex-GF though because I didn’t have to take her places all the time and pay for babysitters.)

I explained what an anchor partner does and described the tour of my city that I did for Scorpio when I got off work, had to pick her up on the far west side and then drive far south to pick up her car. I made dinner for her that night. I’m a great anchor partner with a local GF.

I talked about how I’ve always had friends for different purposes. (Honestly, I think that lovers could fit that bill for me too.)

I also let her know that there isn’t a single romantic connection in my life right now.

Assuming that we get there–and we both decided that needs to be determined not only through a vibe check but also an embrace–she and I can work on what feels right. It would take me quite awhile to feel solid with her anyway and my last comet doesn’t talk to me at all anymore. I think that we can make something work if we like each other romantically. We certainly have great chemistry and conversation.

She wants lasting connection.

I asked her when her birthday is. It’s five-days after Scorpio’s. I said, “Oh, that’s good.” And she asked, “When’s your birthday?” And I told her and she said, “Oh, you’re a Virgo. That’s my moon.”

ðŸĪŊ

Nightingale is Scorpio-Virgo. I’m Virgo-Scorpio. Her Ascendent is right on the cusp of Gemini and Taurus, so that means if she’s mostly Gemini, our big three are the same (Earth, Water, and Air). The latter seems to fit more because she is verbose in her presentation. Cancers are pretty careful and watchful. Nightingale is a great talker.

I’m hoping that Scorpio Version 2 is a romantic and intimate prospect, and I’ll know on Monday morning when we walk.

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Boyfriends

Therapy is such a good thing. I have one more thing which is not related to a new love interest to write about today. It’s related to my insight after therapy.

I’m totally fine dating bisexual women.

They’re often prettier.

My last two GFs were still both really hung up on their ex-boyfriends.

My one prior would talk about him all the time. I realized recently that she was going to parks with her daughter in his area of the city because she probs wanted to run into him and had a belief that when he saw their daughter he would rekindle. Or maybe just pay child support. Or perhaps stop texting, “Hi,” at 3 in the morning and respond to pictures of their daughter that she sent to him. She would also talk about how amazing he was too. It was a treat.

Scorpio talked about her ex-BF all the time. Recently she told me that she’d gotten spoiled by him because he did all the driving. During our last fight she called me monogamous and said that I was a repeat of this ex-BF. To all that, I can call bullshit.

My new love interest is lesbian. Like me. That means that she won’t be hung up on an ex-BF.

When I date a bisexual woman again if she’s recently broken up, I need to ensure that she is over him. If not, I will probably suggest that she does couples work with the guy and reconciles. I’d be fine dating her after that time. I like having male metamours. I don’t want to be a stand-in for a man going forward.

ðŸĪŊ

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Fire

I had therapy yesterday.

I told him that I feel like the whole world is on fire so it may not be the best time to start a long-term relationship.

He told me that he would worry if I was sitting at home and refusing to step outside.

I debriefed my date with KY.

He said that he worries when people seek passion, but he hears that I don’t want to be depleted by someone either.

He also called me an optimist.

Why should I give up?

Wildfire smoke has settled in my face.

Finally all the sinus stuff has moved and my cough and such are productive. I won’t be feeling like poo too much longer given that the stage that it’s in.

I did my interval run anyway and dealt with the headache.

I still didn’t want to cook.

I logged into my dating app and saw that I had squirreled away three boosts… I guess that maybe I had forgotten to use them in MT and ID? I dunno.

I boosted.

I went to pick up a whole bunch of Chinese food. (Catonese. Unfortunately, one of the best restaurants in the nation closed here so we don’t have a good Szechuan choice anymore.)

DMs:

Tomboy: “Hello! We have some of the same things in common. And we both have verified profiles, which is refreshing. What are your plans for the weekend?”

Nightingale: “It might also be refreshing that I have done therapy. This weekend is trip planning to [an undisclosed location]. I’m going to do a little road trip, redwoods, the coast, oysters, and farm to table food. What are your plans?”

And then the good, reciprocal exchanges came. She’s smart. She’s funny. And she’s open. That all seemed good to me.

Then she wanted to move right to a call.

“Hey do you want to talk over the phone?”

“A phone call tonight?” It was really late.

“Why not?”

Why not indeed.

An hour and half later she wants to delay her trip leaving in a day so we can take a walk. Ripping off the Band-Aid it seems. Stay tuned.

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Matchable

Getting to the date was a whole thing.

I got there early because I didn’t want her to be waiting for me.

She apparently was just a little bit late and didn’t want to interrupt my conversation.

She also didn’t think that I was me.

That was the odd part. I was the only one there within the 45-minute time period who was in a purple dress–or any dress at all for that matter.

So I wasn’t just standing around being awkward and overdressed, I made conversation with a guy who was timing his walk and getting some coffee refilled. We talked about electric cars, pollution, wildfires, democratic socialists, and corporate interest.

I sent location pins to the matchmaking service and kept going in and out of the coffee shop.

Finally, there was a short woman sitting at a table by herself on the phone, and I just interrupted her conversation and asked if she was waiting for someone and she nodded and tied up her conversation.

She is very pretty. She has huge blue eyes, a great smile, and takes her appearance very seriously.

Our dynamic seems friendly to me. She wants to meet my friend group too and is willing to be our sub for bowling when she’s in town. Her teams are now in Philadelphia, NYC, and DC, so I don’t know how many Mondays she’ll be here realistically, but I do want her in our friends circle. She hails from KY. I know that she is going beyond vibe with my teammate from AL.

Neither one of us are attracted to butch women.

I guess that if you exchange numbers with a date that you’re not really matched again. So, she told me that we shouldn’t say that we have each other’s numbers. I told her that I would upvote her and she said she would with me as well. We texted quite a bit last night with her initiation.

I’m going to host a Saturday night party at the end of the month like the potlucks that I used to host seasonally after I’d been divorced for 2-years. Hockey has wanted me to do that, and I’ll literally invite any woman with whom I’ve had a date over the last 2-years to it. Part of my polyamorous orientation is that I want people to have new friends and lovers because I connect them.

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Life

Career after retirement:

This morning I got up to enroll in the first course that I’m taking in a 5 class sequence. I’m on a wait list though ðŸŦĪ There is a chance that I can’t start until NEXT fall because I think that I may have to stop teaching on Tuesday nights for one semester. (I’ve taught almost exclusively on Tuesday nights for 11-years at one university.) I’ll have to talk to my supervising professor who made a post-doc experience for me in the winter of 2015 to see if she’ll allow me to change the night of the week for one semester only. One class that I will need to take for my candidacy application is only taught 3:30 – 6 on Tuesday nights. I’m so lucky that my Boss will let me flex my work hours and leave early for a semester. There is no way that if I had my old day job I could do that. And my old Boss would’ve said no.

Last two GFxs:

  1. We had mismatched libidos. When I said that we don’t belong together in March of 2025, I should’ve stuck to it.
  2. We didn’t have healthy conflict. I need to ask specifically at date #4 with any woman if she yells during conflicts. I can’t tolerate that at all. Because it’s a no fly zone, I need to ask if I can take a break from the conflict until she is able to speak without a raised voice.

Dating Pool:

I remain in the database with the matchmaking firm as a “Matchable Member.” My first year was comped. I have my first date today which is in person and now has been moved by the match again. It’s close to lunch time. It’s nice to have plans regardless. I’ve not had an in person date with a new woman since May 16th. I’m going to bring my most charming and funny self to this date regardless if I’m attracted to her in the slightest. It’s nice to have something to do today.

Pride:

I went to a friend’s house for a pre-party on Friday night last week. I got concerned whether or not they were going to go out at all and didn’t wind up leaving their house until after 11 pm. I went to a party with DJs with a friend on Saturday night and we stayed all afternoon until the evening. On Sunday I went with MI to the parade and we listened to some music and watched the coolest and most creative drag performance that I’d ever seen.

Mental Health:

I feel balanced. I have an appointment with my new psychologist tomorrow. I’m awarded two more sessions for free after this one and then I’ll see him monthly out-of-pocket. I need some support with my dating life generally. Breakups are never fun.