Tag Archives: Marriage

by

Delegation

July 2 – July 19th was a record for me.

I had an intense experience which was connected and full of chemistry that burned out completely.

She did it for me too. Nightingale was the delegate.

Since she left the cabin on the 15th late at night our texting was scant and we didn’t talk on the phone ever again until yesterday: the 19th.

Last night when I called her at her request she sounded oddly formal and told me that the local anesthetic that her surgeon had given her would wear off the following day (today). She indicated that was when her pain management would begin getting real.

Nightingale has another brand-new knee. She’ll be healing now and her not-quite-three-month-old other knee still swells a whole bunch when she walks around on it. I’d imagine that sometime in the spring things will feel healed.

She proposed a boundaried friendship.

She told me that she knew that I’d be fine with occasional sex here and there.

It’s true that I didn’t have any expectations of her.

I like helping people out when they have needs.

She and I had a solid connection and undeniable chemistry. When she wasn’t unloading on me suddenly, it was seamless. I think that I have a higher toleration for that behavior anyway given my work and also some of my relationships. I know that flying off the handle isn’t about me.

She told me that she doesn’t want any of my help during her recovery. I’d imagine that she feels vulnerable with her knee elevated all the time and walking 10-minutes every hour for a couple of weeks.

Regardless, boundaried friendship is a strange term.

I told her that we were never friends, so although I couldn’t really say quickly how I felt in the moment, I’d be more inclined to reach out to her when and if it made sense.

I told her that when we left it at the cabin I was going to check in on her in the morning and at night as I’d been doing. My texts were pretty cursory. I’m glad that she asked me to call her last night.

This morning, I realize that I may not even be to wish her a happy birthday in November via text.

From her perspective I delay her finding her one. The woman who is perfect for her and wants to move into her house and blend finances. She bought her house with an ex-wife 7-years ago, and many women have lived in it with her including the ex-wife who she was married to for 1-2 years.

I have married, cohabited and blended finances before. The last time ended only 4-years ago, which Nightingale said was a long time ago and that I am ready to move on because the relationship was short (We were together 9-years.).

In fact, in a few weeks, I’d have been married 28-years to my ex-husband. We were married 8/98 – 3/08. I was married to my ex-wife 5/14 – 9/22.

When we were driving back from the urban lake hike last Wednesday Nightingale asked me if I’d remarry. I said, “I don’t think that I want to.”

I realize now that I believe that I have spent more years married than she has.

Her daughter’s other mother and she were in a domestic partnership, and it seems to have lasted only through the time that her daughter was 4 or 5. I don’t know how many years they were together before Nightingale got pregnant. Her only marriage was 7-years ago and lasted 1-2 years. She also isn’t single long ever. I heard so many different women’s names when she would share about her life. I’m a good listener, so she certainly talked more about herself and filled the air much more than I anyway.

Nightingale helped me feel better about Scorpio.

The trajectory of 17-days was always hers. I never initiated sex once. I just showed up and was my normal, attentive self. I never made a promise to her that I didn’t intend to keep.

I also won’t ever think that you should rush living with someone and blending your lives. She asked far fewer questions about me and made lots of assumptions.

I hope that she can find exactly what she’s looking for in a long-term and lifetime partner.

For my part, I’ll keep seeing women as it makes sense and I feel passion. I don’t have an end game. I also have never stopped believing that it takes a year to get to know someone well.

I’ve had three sexual partners since my divorce. I waited over two-years to have sex with anyone.

After this fire, I have realized that I’m comfortable in many different relationship structures. It will be interesting to see what transpires going forward.

I’m glad to have clarity today. I’m also going to use my vacation time remaining to address things that I want to before I start my other two jobs and begin taking classes.

by

TikTok

I woke up on Tuesday morning having slept really well to a TikTok by James Sexton regarding lesbian divorces characterized by knock down drag out fighting and prior Domestic Violence experiences. My initial reaction was “WTF?”

Then I realized that my GF had sent it for a reason, so I obtained a white paper and found out that due to intersectionality–being female and having less financial power and sometimes more impact on ability to achieve stability alongside being a sexual minority causes pain. Pain has to go somewhere. Researchers assumed that this intersectionality puts pressure in the female couple dyad.

It made me feel awful.

My divorce wasn’t amiable. She always told me that we had no foundation, and that was true.

I loved her for years and my love wasn’t enough. We got married when my son was in 3rd grade.

My Mom shattered her shoulder weeks after we had wed and my parents were both already declining. My son went off the deep end in 6th grade after his father had a breakdown and moved states at the end of 5th grade. Everyone was crumbling around me and I had no way to be enough or help significantly anyone who needed me. Nothing could become proactive or stable. Decline was all around us.

My ex-wife and I both have tendencies toward being reactive. It was a recipe for contention, but not physical violence. I’m glad that our marriage is over. I had filed once in 2019 and she had me reverse the filing. She filed in 2022 and became biromantic with men and is now married to a man and is living out of the country.

My GF and I went back and forth DMing in TikTok because she has it was “interesting” and “seemed to support” why my divorce was difficult from my ex-wife and not really from my ex-husband.

The whole thing was grossly oversimplified.

And I found it hurtful.

Last night we talked about it and she told me that she found it hurtful that I didn’t see how interesting it was and applied to my divorce. She said that we sometimes arrive at an impasse.

My GF is one of those women who is kind, caring and tends toward helping everyone out. I think that sometimes because she assumes positive intent, she doesn’t know how some of her assertions land.

I felt judged. I was hurt. I told her last night on our date that I want to feel safe, seen and secure. She said that she wanted that too. She was upset with me for not seeing why she sent me that particular TikTok.

I got up really early today. I didn’t sleep well because my new love interest who I was supposed to meet tomorrow had to fly abroad for work and will be gone two weeks. I misunderstood when her flight would get in and thought that it would be this morning in my time zone, but it will be late afternoon today. I shouldn’t have slept with my cell phone near me!

Because my GF and I had a date last night and were still talking about this difference of opinion, I went ahead and thought about the situation again. I still find it odd that she sent it to me and thought it would be helpful to me. Having conflict about TikTok is really weird.

I DM’ed:

“So, I watched it again and even through afterglow [dosage of psilocybin on Thursday night] it seems to say that lesbians have knock down drag out endings and high DV rates. Sorry, I don’t understand why you sent it to me. I’m just trying to be a good person and GF. I am also willing to slow down, monitor reactions that I have, and ask more questions for information. Making assumptions or jumping to conclusions [something that I have to continuously work on] doesn’t seem to result in abusive fights or domestic violence in my experience.”

So, she’s upset. And I’m less upset, but don’t see why that was the one that she chose to send to me.

Except for some animal videos, I don’t particularly like TikTok. If I can get my book designed, I will probably use it for my content, and it doesn’t seem to matter now because she hasn’t sent me anything on it since Tuesday at 1:06 am.

How can I reframe this problem? I don’t see my individual therapist for 12-days and would love feedback. It helps me to write and it also helps for people who read my entry to comment.

by

More loose ends

I process things pretty slow. I’m also long-suffering. Those qualities do not make for a good match in exclusive partnership. Anyway, as I write all of the time as I’ve been doing since last November these features have made me want independence, and to love and enjoy others in specific places and times. I won’t live with someone again until I am in my 80s and need some help from someone younger who I pay with whom I have a business relationship. I will not remarry. I think that monogamy works for a handful of people. I have not been exposed to a marriage that I thought was working for both people in my sphere. I know that they exist, but it always seems like massive sacrifices are made by one person more than the other when I know both people. That is where I am.

I had talked to my ex who is dying slowly on January 21st and was on car adapter through speakers with her and her wife. The conversation was bizarre. It spanned medical procedures and the new cars that they’re thinking about buying. It made sense finally to me why she reconciled with her wife. I guess she was broadcasting their business on Facebook, and talking about their fights and possible divorce. I don’t get on Facebook unless someone tells me that I have to log in: eg. pickleball dues or a post that they need me to address. Didn’t ask how I was. Didn’t inquire about my son who she always says that she adores. I get she’s on a transplant list. I knew all the stuff that had happened via text when I donated to her Go Fund Me. I don’t like cars. I bought a sport utility vehicle in 2008 and still drive it. It was two-years-old. I repair it and put parts in it. I’m not going to hustle down there. I’ll go see them when it’s necessary.

I have a sinus infection. I guess what is going around is bacterial. I’m NOT getting antibiotics. Work was difficult, but definitely not impossible. And then I bought everything and took it for the first time last night, and I slept through the night except to blow my noise once and my throat is good. One night of vitamins and such. I always have Kickass Immune and EmergenC, and still have a little bit of the Chinese herbs that my ex-mother-in-law used to send, but I needed to add these until I felt cessation in sinus pressure and a sore throat:

I COVID tested negative–again–why don’t I get COVID? I have to be careful with zinc. It sends to nauseate me or make me throw up. I think that the sources on the left were more water soluble so it was fine. I also made mushroom risotto, chicken cutlets with panko and kale chips in the oven last night, so I was pretty full when I took these zinc.

I didn’t see the photographer at the art performance. She texted me the next day and said that she was texting with the woman who I was able to sit with–and her boyfriend and a lesbian couple. She said that she was sad not to run into me. So, I’ve texted with her a little bit about the sale of house this summer. I don’t actually want to hike or cycle with her. I want a professional relationship. I saw a few pictures of her recently and didn’t find her attractive. At the beginning of April, we’ll do a walkthrough pending the late afternoon that works for the tenants who pay bills there. I’m not hugging her and will bring my son if I can make it work with his schedule. He’s a good buffer. He’s also very good looking, so he distracts people.

He’s going back to high school. Not his high school, but one in which he can blend online and in person classes. He told me last night that he wants mostly in person classes. I don’t care, and am glad he’ll have a diploma instead of a GED. There still is some stigma. In his case, it’s truly being lazy. I have to hire a driver. Uber and Lyft have too broad a window, and I want him to be on time. He can take the city bus home. His Dad can take him once a week, and I can take him once a week. Hopefully, it won’t be as expensive as his out-of-pocket therapy that ended a week ago was. He has to go to school nine weeks only–not a year-and-a-half. They’ll get his schedule done on Monday. His personal essay for the application said that in 6th grade the friends that he had controlled him rather than knew him, and that COVID killed all his motivation for school. I wonder who else has a student like my son?

I have to study today and also read. I have a training of trainers event on Tuesday and Wednesday and work on Monday and have convention things all day on Thursday and Friday. There is a corporate sponsored party on Tuesday night as well. Maybe I should have my son stay at our house and I should stay in the hotel with an old friend? No, I won’t sleep well and that seems a little bit 20-something. Regardless, I’m excited for the convention.